This story follows on from the events in "AGood Marriage Apart From Sex." Some people wanted to know what happened to Anna and Mike. It's a stand slone story but you may enjoy it more it you first get up to speed on "A Good Marriage .." which is in the Archive.
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Anna's Cure by Kortpeel This story is for Tiara who wanted to know what happened to Anna and Mike I'd never felt so guilty in my life. I must have been out of my mind to do what I did to Mike. I'd give anything in the world not to have done it. I can even see the stupidity of my thoughts at the time. I didn't want sex. It was repulsive to me. Mike had accepted that. He even accepted that I wouldn't give him a hand job. But he was a good man, a lovely loving husband and father. He had his needs and because I couldn't or wouldn't meet them it had seemed logical to remove the source of those needs. I deceived him wickedly. I let him believe I was organising a surrogate for him. He was enthusiastic but. instead of the sex session that he was so looking forward to he was castrated. I'd even convinced myself that it would be for his own good. That's what Dinah, the castratrix had told me. I was actually physically sick as I watched her cut through his scrotum and then slice off his testicles. I stayed up all night at the bedside and watched him. In the morning I was prepared for his anger, which I deserved, and eager to do anything that would make some sort of amends. He wasn't angry. Or if he was he showed no sign of it. He spoke calmly, softly even. He showed me the stitches where his manhood had been and said "Welcome to the rest of our lives." In his calm voice and in his eyes was the bleakest of bleak despair. When Mike has anything on his mind he withdraws into himself and broods on it. It's always difficult to get him to talk about whatever it is that he's brooding on. Some men are like this. This time he withdrew so far inside himself that he was in a virtual coma. He did all the small daily things of life on automatic. He barely spoke and was too far inside himself for it to register if I spoke to him. Julie, our five year old noticed it. "What's wrong with Daddy? Have you been fighting with him?" If only I had. That's easily mended. "No Darling. Daddy's just got something he wants to think about. That's all." "I've never seem him this bad before. Is it something I've done?" "No!" I said it too strongly and scared her even more. "Darling it's nothing you've done. Daddy loves you and Marcus very much." I knelt down and hugged her The poor little thing looked so worried. "Mummy, why are you crying? Have you done something bad?" My sweet innocent little girl had, with all the intuition of her five years, put her finger right on it. I couldn't lie to her. I'd done enough lying. "Yes. I have done something bad. I haven't been a good wife to Daddy." Julie considered that and nodded. For an instant she reminded me of my grandmother. "I thought perhaps it was something like that; one of those grown up things. Does this mean you are going to get a divorce?" Julie wasn't being precocious. Divorce was an everyday reality in her life. It was a thing that parents did. Most of her friends' parents were already divorced. I told her that if Daddy wanted a divorce he could have one but I'd do everything I could to avoid that. "I'd like you to stay together. I love you both." Julie gave me a hug and wandered off in thoughtful mood. That night Julie woke up with a nightmare and Marcus, 4, wet his bed. "What's up with the kids?" Mike asked as I got back into bed but he was asleep before I could tell him. Those were the first words he'd spoken to me in three days. Next day over breakfast once the kids were out of the way Mike actually spoke to me,. "Anna would you do something for me?" He sounded normal but somehow emotionally frail. He still hadn't got it completely together. I of course was so pleased to have him back with me, out of his 'coma,' I'd have done anything for him. "Yes. What is it?" "Look, we've both been a bit way out. I'd like us to go for counselling." "Oh Mike!" I ran around the table to him, hugged him and kissed him. "Yes darling. Of course I will go for counselling." To me it meant Mike wasn't thinking of a divorce. He wanted to save our marriage. "But in particular Anna, I'd like to get to the bottom of why you are so anti-sex." There's a little imp that lives in the back of my mind. He guards the no go areas of my brain. Most of the time I'm unaware of him. Something woke him from his slumber and he gave my conscious mind a prod with his trident. It hurt. "No Mike. Leave it. Can't you just accept that some women don't like sex and leave it at that?" He looked at me. Really looked. Mike has a powerful mind and for once he turned it full on me. It felt like he was scanning my mind, mining data. "I see. Look here's a counsellor who's been recommended. Make an appointment and we'll go together." He handed me a business card. Dr. J. Weathers with a string of qualifications was a consultant psychiatrist. I realised then that this would be more than just ordinary counselling. Mike is self employed writing software from home. I go out to work. It made sense for me to make the appointment and just tell Mike when to be there. He was waiting for me in Dr. Weathers' reception area when I arrived. "Doctor said to come through as soon as you get here." Mike took my hand and led me down a passage and through an open door. Dr Weathers was a woman with shoulder length blonde hair. Her age was indeterminate, thanks to cosmetic surgery. I guessed at early fifties. Whatever, she was in great shape and had that healthy glow that comes from careful diet, frequent workout and an external oestrogen supply. She bade us welcome and indicated for us to sit in the sinfully comfortable, leather upholstered arm chairs. She was wearing a short skirt that should have looked ridiculous on an older woman but on her it looked great. She had the legs for it. I noticed Mike was impressed. It was obvious to me but, I hoped, not to Mike that this was a woman who was still playing the catch-a-man- game. We went through the usual pleasantries and "call me Jean" put us at our ease. Mike was totally relaxed and trying not to be too obvious as he admired her legs. To make it easier for him she crossed and uncrossed her legs from time to time giving him a glimpse of nylon clad thigh. Mike seemed to enjoy it even if it was half a century old. At last it was time for business. "Now why have you come to see me?" Mike looked at me, hoping I'd do the talking. I gave him a look that told him no-ways. So he started. He came straight to the point. "Last week Anna had me castrated." "Jeez honey! You didn't?" Well done Mike, I thought. You got her first time. Dr. Weathers made a swift recovery. "Is this some kind of joke?" "Show her, Mike." Mike stood up, dropped his pants and showed her, lifting up his limp but hardening penis to give her a view of his scar. It was healing nicely, I noticed. Jean leant forward to get a better look. I got the impression that her interest was the most genuine thing about her. She looked at me almost with respect. "This is the first time I've seen a case where the woman has actually done it. Usually it's just talk. Er… Thank you Mike. I've seen it with my own eyes." Mike pulled up his pants and contrived to make a production of tucking in his now rock-hard penis. From this point on I knew that we had more than Dr. Weathers' professional interest in our case. Now that she was being sincere I resented her less. I took over the narrative and told her the story of my pampering sessions from Mike, that I couldn't stand sex of any kind, how I was worried about his unsatisfied lust and how it had seemed a good idea to cure his lust by castration. I'd found out through casual girl-talk at work that there was a woman who did that sort of thing, I followed up, found her and called her. She'd been very wary on the phone but we arranged a meeting at which she'd told me what castration did to a guy. The main thing about it, the thing that appealed to me the most, was that castration didn't change a man. Apart from taking away his sex drive and lustful urges he would still be the same guy, maybe not as aggressive as he had been. She'd said that there would be an initial period of adjustment as the man came to terms with his loss of sex drive. I needed to understand that this was difficult for a man as until then sexual thoughts occupied his mind all the time and governed his behaviour. Hence he was faced with a radical change in his thinking. However, she'd found that once men had gone through that stage they came to terms with it and were actually quite happy. It freed their minds for other things. They didn't miss their sex drives and most of the men she knew who'd had it done considered themselves better off for it. It was as if they'd outgrown a juvenile phase. From that meeting it seemed that castration would make Mike the near-perfect husband. I love him dearly and the only stress in our marriage was that he wanted sex which I couldn't give him. I knew that this was a potentially dangerous situation for our marriage so having his testicles removed made perfect sense. Dr. Jean Weathers had listened intently to my story without interruption, just nodding occasionally. At the end she said "But you didn't talk to Mike beforehand about having his testicles removed?" "No. I deceived him. I was going to but when I brought up the subject he immediately assumed that I was agreeing to him having sex with another woman and organising it for him. So I let him think that. I did have second thoughts but Mike was so keen I couldn't tell him the truth. In fact, it was his enthusiasm for sex with some other woman, any woman as far as he was concerned, that strengthened my belief that it would be for the best." Being able to say that took a whole load of guilt off my mind. I felt better for it. It was a kind of self-given absolution. "Mike, now you've heard Anna's side, what do you have to say about it? How do you feel?" I suddenly got nervous. Mike hadn't said a word to me about how he felt. I just wanted him to get through his adjustment period so we could settle down into the loving non-sexual companionship that the castratrix had forecast. "To my mind the root cause of all this is Anna's hang up about sex. If she could enjoy sex like any normal woman this would never have happened." Normal woman? I always considered myself perfectly normal. How could Mike say that? "How would you describe your marriage apart from Anna's refusal to have sex?" "Other than that we have a very good marriage. Anna and I love and respect each other. We both love our children. We are happy." "Anna?" "Yes. I agree with that. Sometimes Mike withdraws into himself and won't talk about his problems - that's difficult for me - but that's just Mike. Otherwise we are fine." "Mike, Anna deceiving you and having your testicles removed without your consent, surely you must be angry and resentful?" "Not at this stage. I've deferred taking up an attitude until I have the facts." Even as he said it I realised that was so Mike. He could be awesomely unemotional and objective at times. Dr. Weathers didn't say anything. It wasn't the usual counsellor's ploy to make the subject continue speaking. She was just so astonished. "I realise that I'm partly to blame for being so eager to accept a surrogate. I probably deceived myself there. I realise too that Anna must have been anxious for the future of our marriage because she wasn't being a good wife in that one respect." "However there is some culpability on Anna's part. She did continue to deceive me and she did put me through a process that was traumatically horrific. It was a waking nightmare in fact." Mike paused to give anyone else a chance to say something. No one did. Jean and I were listening to this open-mouthed. "But what's done is done and there's no putting them back. What we need to resolve is where we go from here. To my mind the ideal situation is to cure Anna's hang up about sex." "You are still thinking in terms of a normal sex life then?" Dr. Weathers asked him. "Of course. Preferably within the confines of our marriage." "Even without your testicles?" "If everything else is right, one could think of it simply as a radical contraceptive measure." I found myself wishing that Mike would speak to me so openly about himself like he was talking to Dr. Weathers. Not that I would always understand him but it would be nice. I'd had no idea that this was what he was thinking. I did of course know full well what Dr. Weathers was thinking about Mike and I wasn't happy about it. Fortunately Mike didn't know. Part of his charm is that he has no idea at all what a lovely guy he is. I've never really understood how a guy with such high intelligence could be so innocent in the basic everyday things of life. Mike's thoughts were totally engaged in his conversation with Dr. Weathers. "The question is, can you get to the bottom of Anna's antipathy to sex and remove it?" "I don't know. It's too early to say." She turned to me. "Anna would you agree to a session with me, without Mike present?" The imp in my mind woke up at that point. He was angry but what could I say? "Yes. Of course. If that's ok with my husband." "Mike?" "Certainly." Our hour was up and I made an appointment to see her without Mike there. My imp was wide awake and sending me warning signals. I ignored him. I had a feeling that my marriage was on the line and that was more important than the stupid imp. Mike came out of his shell and was almost normal over the next few days. Julie noticed immediately and her nightmares stopped. Marcus didn't wet the bed again. There'd been a couple of Sundays since his castration but I hadn't been able to face asking him to resume those pampering sessions that I'd loved so much. Even though he got nothing from it Mike would bath me and then give me a full body erotic massage in our salon that we'd had built in a converted outbuilding. I missed those sessions and wondered if we'd ever be able to resume them. With things almost normal I was happy to put what I'd done to Mike out of my mind and enjoyed looking after my house and family. Julie was much happier too. She noticed the change in me and so did the girls at work. Turned out they'd been quite worried for me. "Yeah, we thought you'd had your husband's balls cut off," one of them joked, referring to my earlier interest during conversations on that topic. I managed to join in the general laughter. For our one on one session Dr. Weathers wore her hair in a bun, no make up and a long, grey granny dress. She was looking her age and seemed more comfortable for it. There was just a faint scent of lavender and mothballs about her. I'd come straight from work and was power dressed in a business suit. It was good for my self confidence. I was dreading this session and my imp was wide awake and on guard. Without Mike there I had the most awful sense of being on my own. Jean began with a résumé of facts established to date which I agreed was accurate. Then she went on to ask some questions "When did your dislike of sex begin?" " After Julie was born I found I wasn't enjoying it so much. Gradually I found I wasn't enjoying it at all. But I did it for Mike. Sometimes I faked it just to make it nice for him." Jean nodded encouragingly. She seemed happy with my answer. "Then I got pregnant with Marcus and I used it as excuse not to have sex. After he was born I got back into shape and Mike was eager to start again. But I couldn't face it." "Can you tell me why not? What was it that you didn't like?" "It seemed so … undignified … kind of degrading … not right." I was fumbling for the words. Jean waited for me to find them. "It was just so … distasteful." "Even though you love Mike?" "Yes. It's funny. I don't understand but I had the feeling that I was letting him degrade himself by what he was doing to me. Er by, well, bringing himself off inside me." "Then what?" "I stopped having proper sex altogether. Mike wasn't happy but he seemed to accept it. He wanted some … wifely attention from me and got me to do him by hand. But even that was too 'ugh' after a while." "And this was about the time that you and Mike started your pampering sessions?" "Yes. Mike started it all by giving me a back massage. And he did it so well. I think he hoped it would get me interested in sex again." "Didn't it?" "No. Well, it developed into a full body massage and I suppose you could say it was sexual. He would get me to orgasm with his fingers, sometimes his tongue. But it didn't seem like sex as such." "What did it seem like?" "Not sex. It seemed more like a special treat. Almost like a nice meal in a good restaurant would be. Like as if I deserved it for looking after the house and children." "So would it be true to say that from the time you got married until you got pregnant with Julie you enjoyed sex?" "Yes. In fact from the time that Mike and I became a couple." "What about before Mike?" This question woke up my imp with a start. I thought about it, trying to decide what to say. In the end I spoke the truth. "I had a large number of partners." Jean just waited for me to continue. She didn't look shocked or disapproving. In fact I got the feeling she'd had quite a few partners herself and still did. "I just enjoyed sex and I liked guys and I was free and uncommitted. I was always careful of course. When I met Mike it was sort of different. I fell in love with him. Making love with a guy is different from just having sex. I've never been with anyone else since." "Are you parents still alive?" My imp became watchful. "No." "Tell me about them." The imp was on guard. We were approaching a no-go area. I spoke slowly and carefully, choosing my words. "I don't really remember my Mom. She died when I was about five. An illness. She'd been in bed a long time before she died." There was a long pause. I didn't want to go on. I didn't know what to say next. I felt uncomfortably warm. I could have done with going to the bathroom. "I have this memory of a room lit with candles. It's daytime but the blinds are drawn. Mom's coffin is on trestles and I know Mom is in there. I'm frightened for her and I want her to come out. I'm scared. And I start crying. How can they do this to my Mom?" Another long pause. "I remember my Dad picks me up and comforts me. In his big strong arms I feel safe. He talks to me. He has a kind, gentle voice and I know he loves me. He talks and I listen to the sound of his voice. I don't really listen to what he says. Just that deep rich voice makes me feel better, reassured. Then I do catch his words: 'It's just me and you now, Anna. We have to look after each other'. It makes me feel good." I stopped. "I don't remember what happened after that." "That will do for this session. You are doing very well Anna. When can you come again?" "Do I have to?" "I think so. There's definitely something buried deep that you're suppressing." My imp, the guardian of those memories warned that he was on guard. He blew himself up just to let me know that he wasn't just a cute little cartoon drawing. He could be the evil demon from hell if necessary. "Please, I don’t want to come here any more. It's too painful. Can't we let the past be? Why stir up all that old stuff? It's all dead and forgotten." I felt hot. I sensed perspiration all over my back and on my forehead. God! But I needed to pee. I started to walk out. To escape. Dr. Weathers had a hard expression on her face. She looked at me almost with contempt. "Honey, your 'dead and forgotten past' has already cost your husband his balls. It's gonna cost you your marriage if we don't fix it. It's gonna make your kids as screwed us as you are. Is that what you want?" The plain cold truth, put like that, stopped me dead. Her voice softened a little. "It won't be pleasant to dig it up and face it. But it is only the past and whatever it was is only a memory. If you leave it there it will fester and poison the future for yourself and those you love. " I made the appointment and got out of there as quickly as I could. The bathroom, when I reached it, was a half minute of heaven. My imp joined in too. I had a picture of him standing like a small boy trying to get height and pissing all over the inside of my skull. Does anyone else ever get thoughts like that? I wondered. I desperately needed someone I could confide in about the counselling but there was no one. I couldn't talk to any girl friends because it was all so personal. I just went over and over it all with Mike. Poor Mike. Provided he's actually listening he gets what you tell him the first time round. He doesn't need and can't stand repetition. However he understood my need to verbalise my feelings, as he put it, so he let me ramble on to him. Or at him. Occasionally he would even reply. I told him everything I'd said to Dr. Weathers and even dug up some more detail and more angles on it. The only part that really interested him was me going over my sex life before I met him. I would have expected him to be jealous and resentful but he was actually quite intrigued. It didn't seemed to upset him at all and he even asked for more details. Julie noticed that I wasn't my normal self. "Mom, first it was Dad. Now it's you acting weird. What's happening?" It occurred to me that my daughter had her father's brains and my intuition. It was almost scary how much she noticed. "Darling, you know I told you I hadn't been a good wife to Daddy?" "Yes. I said you shouldn't get a divorce." "None of us wants a divorce. Not Daddy, nor me. Or you and Marcus." She nodded. "So I'm seeing a specialist so that I can be a good wife." "So we can be a normal happy family again?" "That's right. That's exactly right." She thought for a moment and gave me the most beautiful heart warming smile. "I like that, Mom. Is there anything I can do to help?" The question, from a five year old, had me wrong footed. "Er - just be a good girl. And make sure Daddy knows you love him." "Oh he knows that. I tell him so every night." She skipped away happily. The imp in my mind nodded approvingly. I realised that he loved Julie as much as I did. As a result of me rambling on and the support I was getting from Mike and Julie I was far more confident when I arrived for the next appointment. It was for mid-afternoon. Mindful for my bladder after last time, I'd had nothing to drink since breakfast. Dr. Weathers was in a blue tailored trouser suit, heels, had her hair up and was wearing glasses. There was just minimal make up. I approved. That was how she ought to dress for her work. "So after your Mom died then what?" I felt my imp struggle to wake up and get himself on guard duty. It seemed he didn't sense any threat but just felt that he ought to be there. "I just carried on living with my Dad." There was a long pause. I didn't break it. "What was your home like?" "Just me and Dad. We had a small wooden house. A large garden. And there were fields out the back." "Any pets?" "Not really. There was a cat called Mr. Bones. I think he was a wild cat, or just a stray. He'd come round to say hello and see if there was any food for him. I used to give him something." "What work did your Dad do?" "I don't know. He must have worked at the saw mill. Most people did. He'd go in the morning and come home at night. He'd have been a blue collar man. At weekends we'd be together and do things." "What kind of things?" "Sometimes we'd go for a drive. Do some shopping. Sometimes I'd help him. I remember one summer I helped Dad paint the house outside. We rubbed it down and he showed me how to put the paint on. How to do the brush strokes. I loved that." "You must have been on your own a lot." "Yeah." "Did it bother you?" "Not as I remember. Sometimes I'd spend the afternoon at a friend's. Maybe I'd read a book or watch television. Oh yes. As I got older I'd clean up some and cook a meal ready for Dad when he got in. He was always so pleased about that." "How about school? Did you enjoy it?" Did I? I could scarcely remember. "School. Yes. It was ok. I liked the other kids. Enjoyed being part of the crowd. I liked English. I read a lot and enjoyed reading. Can't remember much else about it." "Boy friends? Dating?" "Must have done. Everyone did. I sort of have a picture of sitting on the bleachers with some other girls. We were watching the boys training and we were just talking about boys and what they were like and who'd done it yet. It must have been that stage of our lives." Jean smiled. It corresponded with her school memories too. "No special boy?" I thought and shook my head. "No. not that I remember." "Not something you'd forget. Did you get much homework?" "Some. I was always ok with English. I remember my Dad helping me with Math. He was actually pretty good at Algebra and Geometry and all that." "You sound surprised." "Yeah. I didn't realise at the time but he must have been pretty bright. Not many of the other kids had parents that knew Math and stuff. " "He never married again?" My imp was on guard and alert. "No." "Why not?" "Er … I don't know." "A single man. That age. Bright. A child to raise. Did he ever go on dates?" "Er - He may have done. I wouldn't know." For heaven's sake! Now I was feeling thirsty and I wanted the bathroom. Dr. Withers asked a whole lot more questions switching to how Mike and I were getting along, then going back to my childhood. "Anna, did your father ever abuse you?" "No. He didn't." "Ok. That's enough for this session. Next time I'd like to see you and Mike together." That hadn't been too bad. I'd gotten through it. I got a nod of approval from my imp as I left. Between sessions some thoughts occurred to me. Where was all this leading? I still disliked sex. What the hell did my childhood have to do with the present situation? Apart from Mom dying when I was small it was a perfectly normal childhood. In any case, until Dr. Weathers I scarcely gave it a thought. Now she'd got me on to it I remembered Mr. Bones, horses and cows in the fields behind us and me and Dad driving along the dirt roads kicking up a dust in his old Ford. That car was always dusty. Mike had a big rush job on with a deadline. He was locked away in his own mind for most of the time and we didn't get much chance to talk. Julie seemed to think that things were coming right and she was her normal happy self. I wasn't all that bothered about the appointment and my main concern was to make sure that Mike didn't forget. He was working on a portion of some colossal global economic model that was going to eliminate world poverty or something and it excited him. It's not always easy to tell he's excited: "It is rather interesting," he'd remarked when I asked him about it. That was the Mike version of fever pitch. This time Dr. Weathers was wearing a long skirt with a slit up the side, full war paint and her hair up. Mike approved but he was sat slightly behind me, away from Dr. Weathers so I couldn't see him. The session started with a series of easy questions on our progress with sex. There was no progress and Mike had been leaving me alone ever since his castration. He was coming to terms with it and as far as he was concerned the gel he had to rub on his skin every day was working fine. He considered himself perfectly normal. So much for castration and my dream of the perfect non-sexual husband. He answered Dr. Weathers, without the slightest embarrassment, that he was jerking off several times a week. And no, blue balls could hardly be a problem under the circumstances. Dr. Weathers liked that. The questions worked around to my childhood again. "Anna, last time you said that your father didn't come on to you." "He never did." "And you were a bit vague when you said there weren't any women in his life, apart from you as a young girl?" I found I was feeling too warm. I would have asked for a window to be opened but in this air-conditioned room the windows didn't open. "Well, he supported local functions. Perhaps he might have escorted other women to those things. I don't think he had a relationship with anyone." "Does the name Emily Travers mean anything to you?" Miss Travers was our French Teacher. I remembered she was always chic. She was the woman who Dad escorted to the dances and do's in our town. I always felt she was a threat to me. I can't think why because she was never anything but pleasant." "Miss Travers? A teacher?" "Yes. You remember her?" "Vaguely." Gee but it was hot in that room. I could feel perspiration between my shoulder blades. My imp was wandering around at the back of my mind, keeping an eye on things. "What can you remember about her? Try and recall." What could I say? I didn't remember anything at all about her. Just vaguely I thought there was some sort of do she was at. It was a barn dance, Dad had taken me and Miss Travers. I was pleased with myself because I knew I looked great and I was wearing a training bra and real grown up panti-hose for the first time. It had been fun and I'd been enjoying myself. I slipped outside for a breath of air after several lively dances and I saw Dad and Miss Travers kissing. It shocked me to the core. I crept closer, They didn't see me. They were talking about getting engaged. Miss Travers and Dad were going to get together. Buy a house in town … better for Anna rather than grow up in the sticks. I crept away and was sick. My imp was looking shocked. He'd been trying to guard that memory. He puffed himself up to demon size and he scared me. 'Keep off. Do not come closer.' Why was I upset so? Surely I should have been happy for Dad. Why? The demon took on a more frightening shape. Scaly wings with claws and slobbering jaws with teeth. God! It was hot. I could feel perspiration on my forehead. I knew why I was upset. Dad was my man and Miss Travers was trying to steal him away from me. My demon kept prodded my brain with his trident. It was hurting. Each prod produced fire and bolts of lightning. It's bad enough for a grown woman to lose her man but for a twelve year old girl? I'd be alone. On my own. I was scared. I needed to think. How could I stop this? How could I fight off a grown woman; and an attractive one that my Dad liked? I recalled the collective wisdom of my peer group on the bleachers. Boys only want one thing. Men are the same as boys in that way. Keep him happy and he's yours. After the dance we drove home. I was in the back seat and that woman sat in my seat next to Dad. After we'd dropped her off I got in the front and snuggled up to my Dad. At home he turned down my offers of food, tea, coffee, beer and went to bed. I took a shower, put on a nightie and made sure I was smelling nice. My demon was pushing me away from this disused part of my mind. I was fighting him. He got bigger and fiercer and was trying his demon tricks on me. Flashes of fire were coming from him to drive me away. I could feel the heat and I was drenched in perspiration. In my mind I watched the child walk into the kitchen. She made two cups of coffee and carried them on a tray along the passage to her dad's room. A tap on the door. "Dad?" "Yeah? Come in." "I couldn't sleep Dad. So I made some coffee and I brought you a cup." Dad had been reading. He put down the book and took off his glasses. He looked surprised. I'd never gone to his room before, like this. "Er thanks, honey. That's nice. Now shouldn't you get into your own bed?" "Wasn't it a great dance, Dad? Did you enjoy it too?" "Yeah. I did enjoy it. But -" "Do you know, this was my first real grown up dance?" I kept him talking. I got into bed with him. All so innocent. We talked. The coffee got cold, untouched …. After that night I always slept in his bed. For the next two years … He was a kind and gentle lover. I wasn't abused or exploited. I was exploiting him. I had to keep him to me. I was meeting his needs. Not Miss Travers. He never went out with her again. I found I was crying for the poor stupid child I'd been so many years ago. Dr. Weathers was looking at me, giving me time to collect myself. She had a kindly, sympathetic expression. I realised I'd been thinking aloud. "Then what happened, Anna? What ended the arrangement?" "I don't know. I don't remember." My demon was guarding the memory. But I had to know. For all his terrible fearsomeness he wasn't real. I threw myself at him to get to the memory and I just went right through him as if he wasn't there. I landed on the road home from school. It was the last day of term and I'd got a good report. I was looking forward to sharing it with Dad. I ran the last part, even though by then I'd turned 15 and was too old to run like a kid. Dad wasn't home. His car was in the drive. He had to be around somewhere. There was a wooden shed in the garden. Dad liked to potter around in there in his spare time. The door was shut. I called out to him as I went to it. I called again. The pad lock was off. "Dad?" I opened the door. I could see why he didn't answer. He didn't have a face. His shotgun was on the floor. On the bench was a note. It just said "Forgive me." I shed the tears then for my Dad that I couldn't shed at the time. I cried for the little girl who'd realised what she'd done. And I cried for Julie and Marcus and for Mike for what I'd done to them. Dr. Weathers explained it all in psychiatric terms like displacement and denial that I scarcely understood. As I saw it I was a worthless nut case who destroyed lives and who should be locked away before I could do any more damage. But it was Mike who understood. He nodded to Dr. Weathers who left us. Mike held me. He said the words I least expected to hear. "I am proud of you Anna." Was this a cruel joke? Savage revenge from a man I'd so wickedly wronged? "You carried that terrible burden of guilt all by yourself all these years. Yet you've been a wonderful mother to Julie and Marcus. And you haven't been too bad a wife to me. You've kept a warm loving home for the family. And we all love you." I clung to him and wept some more. Later Dr. Weathers came in carrying a tray. "I find tea is very appropriate for these occasions." Actually it was. Over tea with it's funny, formal little ceremony of pouring out and passing the milk and sugar I was able to think once again. Dr. Weathers wanted us both to come back for a final appointment. I agreed but didn't think it really necessary. Dr. Weathers explained in simple terms how my dislike of sex had been triggered by my father's suicide. "As you saw it, his suicide was because you had sex with him. You were frightened of losing Mike in the same way so you would do anything to avoid sex with Mike." She said I had an extreme personality and that when I was threatened I would do whatever it took, as I saw it, to protect myself and my family. Mike nodded. He was all too well aware of it. That night Mike and I made love, fucked madly, for the first time in years. It felt funny . I missed his balls bouncing against my thighs. I drifted off to sleep that night in a happy glow of contentment and a feeling that everything was going to be wonderful. I had a weird dream. My imp said goodbye to me. He sounded exactly like Dad.