The French Cook

A famous TV chef presents a recipe with man meat as the main 
ingredient.  One of the two guests is a good ole boy who at first 
does not realize he is the meal but who rises to the challenge!

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THE FRENCH COOK
Charlie B.

Quaint sounds of a baroque quintet with harpsichord playing 
something maybe late nineteenth century arrive quickly followed by 
a pan and zoom shot through a traditional dinning room, fully and 
beautifully set up, into a spacious kitchen occupied by two young 
couples and an aging, imperious but graceful lady about a center 
cooking isle.  The music fades.  Turning around and smiling to the 
camera, the madam intones with an unmistakable voice, "Welcome to 
the French Cook.  Today we will be making a once in a life time 
dinner for two couples.  Le Poulet aux Vin with a fantastic 
variation and a marvelous meat flavored Caesar Salad that would 
raise the eyebrows of many a professional chef.  Stay with us while 
we prepare a Meal of a Life Time."  The music rises to its finish 
while the bill board displays, The French Cook, in beautiful script 
writ large over the screen.

An announcer explains, "Today's show is brought to you by Eunuch 
Archives, DeSade Foundation supporting extreme erotica world wide, 
ManMeat dehydrated flavorings, Bobbit pickled parts and the good 
will and donations of men like you."

"Welcome," says Madam.  "Cooking with wine is a warm, traditional 
French cuisine.  Le Poulet aux Vin is known world wide as the best 
and most scrumptious variant of that technique.  One could hardly 
improve on such a master piece.  Yet, there is, in old France, a 
variation of this fine menu dating from as far back as the 18th 
century that is, sadly, not included in the training of even master 
French chefs, possibly because of difficulty in obtaining the key 
ingredient.  It would be a sad thing to lose this classic 
preparation which has warmed the hearts of many a French lady for 
over two hundred years.  I have myself prepared this variant many 
times whilst visiting grand estates guarding vineyards of Brittany 
and Champagne and have enjoyed this delicacy more each time.  
Today, with the help of these two lovely young couples, Bill and 
Jane and Tom and Lizzy, I will show you the classic variant, Le 
Boef de l'Homme aux Vin and Salad Caesar avec le grande testicle et 
garlic."

Turning to face Jane, la madam says, "Thank you for being with us 
today, Jane and most importantly, Bill.  We could not have done 
without you.  Our audience is probably wondering why Bill is 
naked.  Would you explain, Jane?"  

"Well, Bill, or William," said Jane, "is of French extraction on 
his mother's side and knew of this recipe but not the details so he 
suggested contacting you.  His family had long lost the recipe but 
you contacted us and asked us on your show.  His Grandmother often 
spoke of this delicious treat and he wanted to make sure that I had 
the opportunity.  Men, of course, must always be naked for this 
meal as they are a big part of it.  I think that it's sweet of him, 
don't you?"  La madam agreed that it was very magnanimous and 
suggested all men should want their wives to have the same 
opportunity.  William was indeed a fine example of man hood, 
regarded madam as the camera lazily zoomed onto Bill's swelling 
penis.  A most desirable specimen.

"And you, Tom and Lizzy," said madam, "why are you here?"  "We was 
in the studio audience when y'all called fer volunteer guests and 
heer we all are," said Tom.  "This is cool bein neked an all.  I 
wanted to see the dancin cat girls but it was full up.  This is 
pretty good though.  See my twinkie? (it was indeed a prize)  �and 
Lizzy wanted fer me to volunteer after she talked to that producer 
lady. She knows I like food.  When do we eat? Kin ah have some 
wine?"

"Well," said madam, "We will partake as soon as you are prepared.  �
and you should have as much wine as you can"  "Don't worry none 
'bout me, ma'm," said Tom gulping straight from a bottle, "A'm 
prepared as ah can git.  I want to make vittles as quick as I 
can."  "Splendid," replied madam, for the first time showing a wide 
grin chillingly like a Chesire Cat. "I'm certain you will make 
delicious vittles for us."

"Since this is a man meal," remarked madam, "it is only right they 
receive first attention�and because we need the first ingredient.  
Ladies, this unique, Louis the XIV piece of crockery is known as a 
Bull Milk Pot.  I think that's marvelous.  Ladies, let's see you 
rise to the occasion.  Place the tip of his penis in here and 
massage vigorously.  We need all they have," she said passing out 
the beautifully decorated porcelain capped pots to each lady.  "We 
won't get a second chance."  There was an elegant handle and what 
looked like a large tea pot spout, large enough for an ample man's 
penis.

William looked pleased.  Jane inserted his penis gently and began 
to stroke that which remained outside.  "Wow! Yahoo!" ejaculated 
Tom who quickly poked his own meat into the hole.  In no time at 
all, he was in orgasm.  "More, vigorously, ladies," encouraged 
madam.  The two men, at first bashful and self conscious (well, not 
Tom), soon lost contact with the audience and anything except the 
pressing need to eject as much semen as possible into the pre-
warmed pots.  Tom began to grin like a fool, half cross eyed, 
tilting out of his leather cushioned kitchen chair and caught in 
the nick by attentive Lizzy.  "Squeeze their nuts for all you can 
get," interjected madam.  William grimaced but obliged.  Tom was 
saying, "Harder.  Harder!"

"Set the Bull Pots aside for now.  We'll use it latter in Salad 
Caesar dressing," said madam.  Tom hiccuped and choked into his 
raised wine bottle, eyes open wide, staring straight at madam, 
still trying to breath Burgundy.  Lizzy whacked him on the back 
soundly and extracted the bottle.  He recovered after several loud 
snorts and a cough which attracted madam's frown.

Madam was already melting what looked like five pounds of butter in 
a sauce pan explaining the procedure.  Part was moved to another 
pan where she crushed a clove of garlic and sent several more whole 
cloves into the mix.  Cream flowed amply into the first mixture as 
she explained the necessity of stirring often even while preparing 
the meat.  Everyone was attentive.  "Now here is a gadget you just 
don't find in the malls," related madam to the camera.  "This is a 
meat brazier," she explained showing a green enameled appliance 
about 12 inches long.  In cross section it had a U shape and was 
lined with stainless steel, open at both ends,  perforated at the 
bottom but open at the top.  "The meat lays in here, lengthwise," 
she spoke, "with a flame from this small butane cylinder heating 
the bottom.  Juices flow through the holes onto flame heated 
baffles that provide the self basted, smoked flavor so essential to 
the dish.  Like a wok, hot air heats the sides so we can cook all 
around."  The camera showed an ever increasing quizzical look on 
Tom's face.  William was placid and calm, like a monk.  Both women 
were beaming and Lizzy was now drooling a bit.  "We need to be very 
careful cooking, basting the penis with garlic butter at first, 
injecting some melted butter down the pee hole and frying it in 
it's own juices.  Latter, as it swells, we will directly inject a 
basting mix into the penis and slice open the top."

Everyone could hear the bottle shatter on the floor and the camera, 
with some hesitation, came around to Tom who, drunk or not, sat 
bolt upright in his chair and with a loud voice shouted, "You want 
to cook ma dick on your show??!!!  Nooooh way!!!"  "Mr. Tom," said 
madam dryly and with commanding presence staring straight into 
Tom's eyes, "Is a big strong man like you afraid of a little pain 
when Bill is not?"  "No mam!" spat back Tom, "My momma didn't raise 
no weenie.  But you want to barbecue ma dick!!!"  "William is 
taking it like a man.  He is not afraid.  He is not a pussie," said 
madam in the same certain tone, "Would you not protect your woman 
if in danger?  Would you not risk your life for her?  What is this 
compared to risking your life?  Look at Jane, who will shortly be 
delighted by her man.  Will Lizzy be forced to leave humiliated 
without her treat because you are a wussie?  You should satisfy 
your woman as you said you would!!!"  

"Why, no, I didn't think of that," said Tom, "I'm not a wussie, 
neither."  He contemplated the humiliation of walking away from 
that he agreed to do. He would look like an idiot for not 
understanding the situation in the first place.  Worse, he would 
seem like a pussie next to this�this�prick who was going to let 
them cook his penis without a whimper.  He hated cry babies.  His 
father had always said, "No body likes a quitter.  Whatever 
happens, hang it in there!  Take your medicine!  Show the world 
what's hangin betwin your legs!"  A look of determination slowly 
came over his face. "I'll do it!!" he said, jaw set.  "I'll cook my 
own dam dick�but none of that French cream stuff.  Get me some 
barbecue sauce.  I am an American prick!!!  I'll cut my dick off, 
cook it and eat it Southern style."  

"William is going to slow cook his meat in the French penis 
roaster, Mr. Tom.  The flavor is better if you cook it attached.  
Are you able to do that, or are you afraid of the pain?" said 
madam.  "Nooooh mam!  Bill cooks his ding dong on him and I do the 
same dam thing," he said swallowing, "but I want to grill and 
barbecue mine.  I'll barbecue my dong right on me if'n you give me 
a grill."  

"Right over there, Mr. Tom, and searing hot already.  We will also 
be saute his balls in sauce and slice his cooked nuts onto Casear 
salad," said madam.  Tom was stunned but for less time.  "What the 
hell.  Balls ain't no good without a dick.  Off with my nuts!!! 
I'll �what�cook�satee�I'll cook my nuts up proper," "Wait, Mr. 
Tom," shouted madam.  "You need to tie your penis and scrotum up 
first."  She proceeded to truss his member in butcher's string like 
a roast and tie the sack off tightly.  Jane did the same, lovingly, 
to Bill.  "Now kin ah get back to barbecuing ma dam dick?" asked 
Tom impatiently. "Most certainly,"  replied madam, whose face now 
showed a hint of admiration and satisfaction.

With that, he grabbed another bottle, drank half of it, pulled a 
knife from the many handy and deftly sliced his nut sack off, 
dropping it in a ready bowl of marinade, showing not a hint of 
pain, so resolute was his demeanor. Next, he poured melted butter 
on the grill which sizzled delightfully.  Seizing a large cooking 
fork, he impaled his bulging dick and pushed it straight down on 
the searing grill into the boiling butter while smiling into the 
camera.  Men in the audience were cheering and a chant rose up, 
"whack it off, whack it off, whack it off!"  Steam rose up with a 
loud hiss as Tom grinned into the camera and pushed his swelling 
dick down harder on the grill.  He was rather satisfied with 
himself, confident that he could get it to plump larger than any 
other dick ever grilled.  Maybe it would plump until it popped�
cool, he thought and smiled.  How juicy it looks?  It smells good!  
He thought the black stripe grill marks were perfect.  Was it time 
to slice it off and turn it over?  He was charged up.  Ready to go. 
Tom was no wussie.  He was showing what a REAL man could do.  Lizzy 
was in heaven.  This was her stud, barbecuing his weenie for all to 
see.  It was a magical moment.

There was spontaneous applause from the audience and a standing 
ovation.  Shouts of "whack it off" grew louder.  Tom raised his 
free hand in the air in a clenched fist victory salute.  "Whack it 
off! Whack it off!" thundered the audience.  Tom picked up a fine 
carving knife and pointed to his sizzling dick, pantomiming the 
question, "shall I cut it off?"  The audience roared their 
approval.  He lay the knife over the base of his cock and slowly, 
ever so slowly whilst playing the audience for all it was worth, 
drew it across his dick.  Juices bubbled up at the cut sizzling on 
the grill.  It smelled even better! He feigned more pain than there 
indeed was but still continued all the way though.  Holding his 
impaled dick aloft on the fork, he took a long bow to the madly 
cheering audience, all the time grinning widely.  Then he returned 
his now swelling, and very tasty looking dick to the grill pouring 
barbecue sauce over it all and humming to himself as he lazily 
pushed it back and forth, sometimes brushing on more sauce.  It 
sizzled and whistled back.  If he had known it was this much fun, 
he would have barbecued his dick a long time ago!  Lizzy was 
concentrating on his sizzling dick and drooling.  It was clear she 
liked Southern cooking best.

Many ladies in the audience were now uncontrollable as long 
suppressed instinct took over.  Male studio guards ran for the life 
of their dicks.  Women stripped any man near and were busy 
massaging and sucking penises to their full size.  At first 
somewhat frightened, the men gradually succumbed to feelings and 
desires only half understood.  Ecstasy plainly showed everywhere 
even though most men knew they would never leave with their dicks.  
The producer, sensing high ratings, was on the stage to the right 
beckoning to the audience and pointing to the waiting grill.  Women 
pushed naked men into the aisle.  Rather than being seen as a 
wussie and since the camera had already spotted them, penis erect, 
nearly all trotted cheerfully to the stage.  Those that didn't lost 
their pricks to the sharpest teeth of the women nearby in an 
instant and a scream.  Their private parts were tied off as they 
went on stage where each was handed an open bottle of fine French 
wine.  Most were shouting out pointing to their engorged meat.  No 
encouragement needed but they got plenty, guzzling half bottles in 
a take, wine drizzling down their fronts and dripping off their 
dicks, many of which were at half mast after the orgy in the 
audience but soon raised a full salute with encouragement from a 
bevy of excited beauties now assembled for that purpose.  They were 
ready to barbecue their dicks to a tasty turn. They slapped each 
other on the back, pulled on each other's dicks, smashed each 
others balls, made "dickless" jokes, laughed and made bets as to 
whose would taste best or plump the largest.  Tom's bravado had 
reached down and pulled out hidden behavior by the balls.  It had 
grown to mass hysteria.

Madam was rapidly losing her show.  She had to do something and 
quick.  She whispered to William.  Soon they both strode to center 
stage by the cooking bar.  "We have decided to treat you to the 
DeSade recipe!  Here is where we separate men from boys," she 
shouted in a loud voice.  "We begin by tenderizing the testicles."  
With that, she grabbed William's nuts and yanked them hard and far 
out onto the cooking bar and began to seriously beat them with a 
tenderizing hammer.  At first there were splatting sounds but then, 
slowly the sound turned to deep thudding as Bill's nuts began to 
pulverize and flatten out on the block.  Madam was nothing if not 
thorough.  Bill's face showed raging pain being supressed and there 
was a flinch with each thud but he said not a word and managed a 
weak smile as she pounded his nuts to ball burger.  At last, she 
slit the whole tenderized mass off and threw it on to the grill 
where it sizzled away contentedly.  All eyes had returned for the 
moment to madam.

"French cooking is with wine," she announced loudly filling a 
basting syringe with a fine white variety.  Then she pulled Bill's 
engorged dick forcefully onto the block.  Picking up a trussing 
needle, she sent that straight down Bill's pee hole and then 
deliberately angled off to the side into the meat, shoving 
forcefully.  This she did repeatedly and quickly as Bill accepted 
the punishment stoically.  One could see the needle nearly poking 
out the sides of his dick as she perforated his pee canal the 
length.  Now she took the basting syringe and shoved it with great 
force straight into the pee hole and pushed down on the plunger.  
She was a strong woman and soon his penis began to swell to 
enormous girth filled nearly to bursting with fine wine.  Bill was 
cross eyed but quiet.  Deftly tying off the head and the base once 
again with the skill of long experience, she withdrew the syringe.  
Without hesitation or warning, she grabbed a large butcher knife 
and raising it high into the air, brought it down with a crashing 
thud, severing his penis in one chop, straight between the two 
bands at the base.  Bill fell dickless and deballed into his chair, 
hands over his mouth emitting a muted scream.  She took his huge 
member, now as much wine bladder as penis, arrayed it on some pasta 
in a French cooking pot and slid it into a hot oven.  Then she 
turned to the camera and said, "Le Boef de l'Homme aux Vin."

The startled audience slowly increased its applause until it was 
clear that they all concurred madam was indeed the master French 
cook.  It was not enough to save the men's dicks.  The old instinct 
took over again but they went straight to madam, placing their 
dicks on the block in front of her saying, "I would be pleased if 
you would chop off my penis, madam."

Music and credits played over the screen.  There was continuous 
applause.  There were shots of smiling audience women applauding 
and cheering.  Under the credits, one could see madam cleaving dick 
after dick with the same great sweep of the butcher knife, tossing 
each on to the grill attended by Tom.  We could see a bowl over 
full with tied off scrotums still filled with testicles.  Some one 
poured a concoction over them and set it aflame creating testicle 
flambe.  We could see them sizzling.  Jane was delicately slicing 
and tasting William's dick on a bed of pasta with white wine.  She 
was feeding a smiling Bill some as well who wagged is head up and 
down in approval.  Lizzy and Tom were eating his dick on a bun with 
cole slaw, wiping barbecue sauce from their face and smiling.  Tom 
did a thumbs up and smiled.  There were other shots of Tom 
barbecuing a dozen penises at a time wearing an apron reading, "eat 
the chef."  The camera pulled back and one could see dozens of 
white butts with the occasional black variety lined up at the right 
of the stage awaiting their turn with the master French cook.  Some 
girls were giggling and pushing barbecued pricks into the male 
cleavage so that the penis heads poked straight out.  They were 
uproarious when they pushed a white dick in a black ass and bit it 
off.  The guys also smiled and gave a thumbs up as the program 
faded away while we heard madam singing something quite martial and 
quite French punctuated by loud thunks.

END