Simon the Byzantine Eunuch finds that even the best laid plans go astray.
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Phantom Castrato part 3
The remainder of that year passed without much excitement.
Matts now-legendary outburtst in Church had caused a momentary
scandal, but the Emporer denied it all. Of course, I knew and I
knew that Uncle knew, but neither of us was ready to take on the
Emporer. Eunuchs are not stupid. We discussed it once and in
a dazzling display of logic I managed to thoroughly impress my
Uncle. I didnt dwell on my castration much anymore. I had
adapted to Academy life so well that it didnt make much difference
to me. My studies continued, my cheat ring continued, the bribes
continued, and so did the Empire. After a brief Holiday visit with
Uncle and my mother, I returned to school. Life resumed its normal
pace. Im sure that Uncle suspected that I was up to something.
After all, my career HAD been mostly HIS idea. I was careful not
to let it show just how much I WAS up to, however. Still, I should
have kept my mouth shut. I think that my off-hand comments to him
that night raised some suspiscions. In the end, I found that they
had.
Philos and Matt, I knew, were up to something. As I said
before, I should have seen it earlier. Hell, I even encouraged it,
come to think of it. It was probably some cold-hearted remark I
made to Philos and his seeming on-and-off infatuation with Matt.
As I mentioned, I had been castrated much earlier in life than
Philos had, and the whole idea of those carnal entertainments sort
of amused me. I didnt understand them, but they amused me. It
was shortly after we all returned to school that it happened.
Those of us who lived in the city proper, and those who lived not
far out had all gone home for brief visits with family and
friends. There were those with nowhere to go, of course.
Unfortunately, Matt was one of them. Philos didnt feel
comfortable enough to ask Matt to come home with him, and Matt
certainly wasnt welcome in the Palace. I think the fact that I no
longer really needed the fragile little fellow made me negligent of
what he was going through. As the holidays approached, all of the
progress that he seemed to have made began to backslide. He became
more and more withdrawn, and seldom spoke. He wasnt eating, and
he looked like an unmade bed. Philos wasnt spending too much time
with him anymore, and even though we still shared a cell, neither
was I. Our relationship had grown somewhat academic and business-
like, and looking back, I now realize that I wasnt paying much
attention to this boy who thought that we were friends. We decided
to leave him alone and to make him come to us.
Ive spent several centuries thinking about this. I think the
time we gave him is what made him more vulnerable than he had ever
been.
Matt finally spoke up, late one night. It was one of those
nights when sleep would not come to him. He woke me up sometime in
the middle of the night. Even by the light of his small lamp, I
could see that he had been crying. His white nighshirt caught the
warm glow of the flame, and the dim light gave his gaunt facial
features an unearthly glow. He just stood there, looking for all
of the world like a lost soul who desperately wants to move on but
does not know how. I was still sharing a room with him, even
though I was seldom there in it. Most of my things, books and
such, were still in my old cell and I tended to study and make
plans there. Philos spent more time in Matts cell than I did.
But that was the core of the problem. Philos hadnt been spending
much time there lately. The desertion over the holidays certainly
had not helped.
Matt just stood there, staring. I called to Philos in the
next cell. He came.
It was Philos who spoke first. Matt? Whats wrong? He
asked softly.
The little eunuchs head turned slowly, fresh tears running
down his cheeks. The lamps light lit up his pale hair, and a
familiar chill passed through me. I think that my own upbringing
in a loving family must have polarized me. I had someone to fall
back on, someone to impress. So did Philos. Matt didnt. Somehow
I just couldnt realize fully the plight of this weak eunuch boy
who had been consigned to a cold, hard Academy against his will. I
watched as Philos held out his arms to Matt, who took one uncertain
step forward and then fell into them. Philos set the lamp on his
nightstand, and held the slight boy as a fresh storm of weeping
shook his thin body. Through the choked sobs I made out the
words, You dont love me either. I should have known where it
was going.
I could just hear Philos stuttering reply about not being
able to admit it. He tried to blame it on his own feelings of sin,
morality, beliefs, upbringing
he was grasping at straws. I had a
good idea what had been going on, and this confirmed it. They were
lovers, but Philos was beginning to have doubts. He was probably
also enduring another of those unable to perform times. It isnt
that eunuchs arent capable of love; but Philos relationship with
Matt wasnt love. It was lust, and when the fires of Philos
limited lusts cooled, so did his attitude towards Matt. Of course,
pulling the moral and sinful excuses on him wasnt a good idea.
This time, he didnt go off though. He tried to pull away from the
bigger eunuchs embrace, but Philos was too strong for him.
Weakly, he began to flail at Philos with his small fists. All I
could do was watch as Philos weak excuses drove Matt deeper and
deeper into himself.
Certainly Matt knew that he couldnt hurt the bigger boy, but
still he tried. He was hurting, more than we realized, and he had
to lash out somehow. Still, Philos held him, his face unreadable.
He looked slightly confused and frustrated at his own
shortcomings. Finally, Matt gave up and slumped in Philos much
stronger arms.
You left me here, he whispered, You both did. I thought
you were my friends.
Matt, I began, hoping to salvage something of what I feared
was coming, I dont know what to say. I just didnt think. I DO
like you. Im sorry.
If you really liked me, he retorted weakly, then why did
you tell that fourth year student that you had some information
concerning his younger brother and the clerk in the hall of
records? Why did you tell him that you knew because the sickly
little bastard overheard it? Why did you laugh? Why, Simon?
One would think after almost ten centuries that the right
words would come. They havent.
You used me, Matt accused in a voice scarcely more than a
gasp.
What?
Philos told me.
Then it hit me. In our triad of bribery and deceit, we were
all party to each others secrets. We all had to know what all
three of us were doing to make it work. I realized, too late, my
mistake.
The first time we DID it, he told me, Matt choked, Im not
that dumb. I could see it in his eyes. I asked why he waited so
long. Still, Philos held him tightly, his own head bowed and
resting on Matts slight shoulder. You both used me, Simon. YOU
used me to get the stuff you needed because of who I am, the
Emporers bastard son, and where I could get in to. And Philos,
he choked out, half turning to face the larger boy who held
him, YOU used me for your own lusts, didnt you? Simon didnt
want you to at first, because he was afraid youd hurt me. He
needed to keep using me and he was afraid youd hurt me some
night.
Matt
Philos attempted, failing, Its just that, I felt
that
youre just so small and weak. No one wanted to hurt you.
My family wouldnt have understood it.
But the little eunuch interrupted him, his emotions shifting
from crushing pain and loss to anger. Then SAY it, Philos. Say
you love me. Tell me youre the only person in the whole world who
does.
Even by the faint light of that one small lamp, I could see
the horrible pleading in those gray eyes.
The silence was crushing. I swear the temperature of the room
fell.
To this day I dont think Matt could have ever understood what
kind of hell Philos was going through. Perhaps the self-loathing
was too much for him, or the guilt. Perhaps he thought he really
did love this boy, but just couldnt bring himself to admit it.
Wed all been taught that sodomy was quite the sin, and heard so
much about lusts of the flesh. As eunuchs, we werent supposed to
have that problem, but
Ill never know. Maybe Philos even thought
that his late castration had made him gay. Or maybe it was what he
feared that his family might think, or what they might do if they
were the types that werent tolerant of such vices. At last, he
released Matt from his grasp. Im sorry, he cried, and fled the
cell. Ive been haunted by that look on Matts face for the last
thousand years, that look of utter despair and loss as he watched
Philos go. I had nothing to say. Matts accusations were true and
I knew it. With tears running down his beardless cheeks, Matt blew
out the lamp and cried himself to sleep. I stayed awake for a long
time, wondering what Uncle would do in this situation. I must have
drifted off sometime before dawn, but when I awoke, Matt was gone.
His bed was cold.
It all exploded the next morning. I was on my way to morning
Service when the Master stopped me in the hall. I had still seen
no trace of Philos or Matt. You and I WILL talk NOW, Simon, he
said harshly, grabbing my shoulder in a painful grip and leading me
to his office. My heart felt as if it had fallen into my boots
when I was placed in a high back chair in front of the Masters
desk. My throat tightened as I looked at the stack of papers on
that desk, papers that I knew all too well. When Uncle walked
through the side door, my heart nearly stopped. He stared at me, a
look of horror on his face. It had obviously been an eventful
night. In his hand he held a small piece of paper. Even from the
backside, I could see a dark name signed at the bottom. The
backward letters read Matthias the Unloved.
Wordlessly, Uncle handed me the paper. I read it twice to let
it sink in.
What have you DONE, boy? my Uncle demanded, What kind of
twisted game are you playing here? Bribing fellow students is one
thing, but this
this
Words seemed to fail him. They hadnt
failed the Master, however.
What he has done, sir, has killed a student of this Academy.
I gasped. WHAT ?! I demanded. As far as I knew, the worst
things that I had done were threatening our priest with exposing
the fact that he was messing around with the Masters niece, and
getting one troublesome hulk of a senior student expelled for
entertaining a young lady in his cell. (Theres that carnal
entertainment, again.)
Uncle answered for him. His face was haunted. Your so-
called friend Matthias killed himself this morning, Simon. Your
other friend, Philos, tried to stop him, but he couldnt. After
that chat we had a while back, I began to suspect that you were up
to something. I had NO idea it was this bad, though. Young
Matthias threw himself off of the western battlement roof around
sunrise this morning. His letter of goodbye he left for you is
pretty damning, especially when combined with all these documents,
dont you think? Overall, its pretty amazing what you managed to
pull off here. I suppose, I am somehow to blame by setting a bad
example? Fortunately, no one believes a word of those papers you
miraculously heisted from the Palace. Everyone thinks that the
imperial seals are fakes. Youre lucky no one believes that
Matthias really was the Emporers bastard son. I might be able to
salvage SOMETHING of this.
I remember that letter well. It has long since turned to dust
over Time, but its words are still with me:
To Anyone Who Might Care,
After what has happened to me, I do not think I can go on with this
Life any longer. No one loves me, nor wants me. My own mother
didnt care for me, and my father is the one responsible for
my
being a eunuch and abandoned here at this place where I am all
alone. I thought I had found two friends, and someone who DID
love me at last, but I was wrong. Not even God wants me. The
priest says I cannot be blessed nor baptized, so what does
that
leave me ? I am neither healthy nor strong, and being castrated
has only made
matters worse. I dont like who I am, and I cant stand it any
longer.
I can see only one way out.
Lay the final blame at
Simons feet, for it was he who did this to me.
Goodbye.
At the bottom of the note was signed in blood, Matthias the
Unloved. There were spots on the letter itself, mute testimony to
the fact that Matt had still been crying when he had written it.
On the Masters desk were all of the carefully planned schemes, who
was being played off of whom, who was paying what for what
courtesies or silences. Even who was being helped in which
classes. All of it was there. Even Matthias own box where he hid
his share of the profits was also there.
A word of advice here if you ever get into this jaded game,
dont EVER put anything down in writing.
Again, the question: What have you DONE?
And I had no answer. The cold-hearted ambition and drive to
succeed fell away. It certainly picked a bad time for it. I
remember suddenly feeling a surge of pity for Matt, albeit much too
late. I bowed my head and listened to my Uncle, my benefactor, the
one who had put me on this course. He tore me to shreds in
minutes. Strangely, I didnt cry. Even with all of my lies and
plots laid out in front of me, everything exposed, I didnt cry.
Then Uncles tirade stopped. I heard papers flipping, but didnt
dare look up. You stepped over the line in taking on an
administrator and a priest, Simon. Did you really believe that
someone like the Master here wouldnt know how to deal with
schemeing little students such as you? Cheating in class or
bribing other students is one thing, but this
my God! Matthias
findings must have turned the trick to keep it running for so long,
but you went too far. Even if this tragedy hadnt happened to
Matthias, you would have been caught eventually. Youd have made a
perfect lawyer or prefect, you know. After all I did for you,
Simon, how could you DO something like this to your Mother and I?
Again, I had no answer. I merely shook my head.
I never saw Philos again. Im sure he made statements to
cover himself. He couldnt have been that stupid, and he certainly
knew enough to be more than helpful in destroying me. Uncle
handled the matters with the Academy with his practiced grace and
skill. He cleaned up the messes I had made. My documents and
plans, all of the evidence, and testimony from all of those whom I
had targetted in the past two years all disappeared under his
artful hand while I sat, under guard, chained in the lower level of
the Academy. In times past it had served as a dungeon, and it was
doing so once again. It was there in those terrible days of cold
and dark, without much food or water, that I began to lose it, I
believe. I began to think I had been forgotten. Time became
meaningless to me. Each day, while I was awake, was just a passing
cycle of night followed by dim light. Only the murmurs of the door
guards reminded me that someone was out there. Uncle had said he
might be able to salvage something, but I doubted it. In all of my
memory, I had thought that Uncle never made mistakes. But there,
alone in the dark, I realized the one grand mistake that he HAD
made. He made ME.
I knew I was in trouble when Matt showed up. I awoke to see
him standing over me, holding his night lamp. The pale glow
illuminated his own paler body and nightshirt. One of his eyes was
swollen shut, however, and his head was dented in on one side.
Blood ran freely from his nose and mouth, and his front teeth were
gone. His lips were swollen. The arm, which he had broken shortly
after his arrival, was broken again. He looked terrible. All
traces of his boyish beauty that he had derived from his own
fragility had been torn away in his fall. I also realized that I
could see right through him. He reached out and touched my face,
and in that instant, I felt his pain and knew his loss. All of the
rejection and hatred that had been aimed at this poor child for all
of his short life flooded through me. I saw the ground, the
flagstones below from atop the roof. I felt feet that were not
mine standing at the edge. And then I was falling. From behind
me, I could rushing steps and heard Philos scream. Part of me
knew that I was still kneeling in the darkness of my prison, but
another part of me was falling. The wind was cool on my face, and
I could see the eastern sky turning softly red and then orange to
yellow as I/we fell. I saw the pavement coming up to meet me/us.
I felt the impact. I know now that I screamed for days. Finally,
my voice gave out. Whenever I opened my eyes, he was there,
crying. When I closed them, I could hear him whispering to
me, Say it. Make HIM say it. Doesnt anyone love me?
And now you know why that dumb movie and that little boy who
saw dead people upsets me so.
I awoke one morning to find myself at home in my own bed. I
heard a voice, somewhat familiar, and realized that it was my
Uncle. He was only down there for a week. One week? It had
seemed like years. Suddenly it came back to me Matthias, Matt as
we had called him. He wasnt there. I couldnt hear him. Where
was he? I must have said it aloud, for it brought Uncle and one of
his friends into the room. The doctor who had performed my
castration so long ago was also with them. He quickly pulled back
the sheet, exposing my nakedness, and began going over me. There
were manacles connected by a short chain on my ankles. I
remembered. I closed my eyes and fell back onto the pillow. I
didnt care.
Hes dead, Simon. Remember? You killed him. You pretended
to be his friend, gave him a false lover, and used him. He killed
himself because of YOU.
What have you done to him? I heard the doctor ask, He
looks as if hes been starved and beaten for months!
My Uncle, ever the diplomat, was quick to reply. He spent
one week alone in the Academy basement, doctor, in chains. He was
fed and unmolested. I had guards on the door. The law wants him
and you wouldnt BELIEVE what I had to go through to bring him
home. He still isnt out of it yet. Emporer Michael has taken a
special interest in his head.
Such a future, laid waste, I heard the other man say, but
it meant nothing to me. Something inside of me had changed.
Something felt different. I felt like I did on the morning that
Matt had exploded in Church. Their voices seemed to fade off, and
I could hear Mother crying. I think it was Mother. It could have
been Matt. It could have been me. I dont remember. I had
dishonored them. I had thought that I was doing what was expected
of me.
I had failed.
Disjointed fragments of conversation came to me, but none of
it mattered. Matt, an Innocent victim of circumstance, was dead at
my own hand. With a bitter realization, I found myself admitting
albeit a bit late in the game -- that I had indeed cared. Had I
not cared, I would had not have threatened the priest who refused
to bless Matt and baptize him. The doctor covered me once again,
tucked the blankets around my chin, and rested a warm palm on my
forehead. I focused on his face. I could hear words from the
other room, disappointing
evil
so intelligent for his age
didnt raise him for this
how
over and done
but it all faded
off. I awoke later that evening, as the sun was setting, painting
the western sky in blazing orange and reds. As the clouds began to
turn purple, I sat up and noticed something on the stand by my
bed. It was a note. I also noticed that the chains were gone from
my ankles. There was a pack and a set of new clothes laid out for
me. The clothes were common travelling ones, not an Academy robe.
The note simply read:
Simon, there is nothing more I can do. Leave, and do NOT return.
I knew then, as I stood up and looked at my own naked body,
and at the clothes, that this must be how Matthias (Matt
) had
felt. I was alone now. Rejected by everyone. For what I had
done, I was to be exiled. I figured I wasnt safe in the Empire
anymore, and Uncle knew it as well. He might be able to protect
himself, but me the murdering little eunuch nephew? The pride of
a famous family gone bad? Forget it. I dressed in the clothes of
a free boy, clothese that felt so strange to me, and left the only
home that I had ever known. It felt like dying. I know, because
it wasnt long until I actually did that. I made my way out of
town, caught a ride east, and took ship across the Bosphorus the
next morning. Uncle had packed enough money for me to get far
enough out of the Empire so that I would be of no more trouble to
him. Of course no one would recognize me. I was just another
young boy out travelling, gone to meet someone or to visit a remote
monastery. I was not defenseless, for there was a short sword in
my pack and I knew well how to use it. I disembarked outside the
Empire soon thereafter.
I sat for a long while on that rocky beach, watching the ship
sail away. I was alone, like Matt had been. I was a eunuch, cast
adrift in a world where no one wanted me. Of course, there were
career opportunities for eunuchs, but I was out of the Empire and
taking care of harem ladies didnt appeal to me. I also did NOT
want to be a cleric of any type any more. Even if I did find a
place somewhere on the furthest reaches of the Empire, there was
the chance that someone might recognize me. Besides, even eunuchs
needed references. A simple lack of balls wasnt enough. I knew
that as I grew older, it would become more and more obvious that I
was not a man, but a eunuch. Were that discovered, I also might be
mistaken for a runaway slave boy. Of course, I would have no
family, no one to come home to each night. But then again, I was
fresh out of homes anyway.
I slept under the stars that night, alone and cold. I know I
didnt cry, however. When I awoke the next morning, I took the
short sword from my pack. Perhaps during the voyage across the
narrow bit of sea was when the idea had come to me. Perhaps it had
come when the spectre of Matt had visited me in the basement.
Regardless of when the idea formed, however, I awoke the next
morning certain of what I had to do. It was the only thing I COULD
do. I said his name out loud one time as I slipped the razor sharp
blade between my ribs. Uncle had given me a good weapon, and there
was only a little pain as the blade found its way to my heart. It
must have pierced it easily, considering for so long that there had
been nothing there. I think my castration had hurt worse.
Dying isnt so bad, really. Trust me.
Its what you did while you were alive that matters. I
watched, detached, as my young body fell forward onto the sword,
driving the blade up and out of my back. So many dreams died with
it. Then he was there, all traces of his horrible mutilation
gone. Matthias the Unloved stood there on that rocky beach,
staring at me, and staring at the part of me that lay dying, as the
sun rose behind him. He glowed with an unearthly light as I
watched that pale young eunuchs body fall to its side and die,
alone, cold, and unloved
The priest was wrong, Simon, the phantom castrato said
softly, reaching out a perfect hand to take mine in his, but
youll probably never know that. Its time to pay for what you
did.
I pulled my own transparent hand out of his and backed away
from him. In life, Matt had been a frail and sickly boy,
threatening to no one. But as the final sigh of the Breath of Life
leaving my dying body was carried away by the salty-smelling
breeze, he began to take on the look of the very Wrath of God
Itself. He made a sweeping gesture with the arm which he had
broken so long ago. The world is yours, Simon Peter of
Constantinople, he said in a sweet boyhood voice that seemed to
shake the very Earth, You are free to roam it at will until you
finally understand the Import of what you did. You will wander, a
lost and lonely, empty soul of a self-centered eunuch for as long
as it takes. Everything that you missed out on in Life, you will
watch pass before you. You will see love, loss, pain and joy. You
will help, in some obscure way, to shape the patterns of lives that
you COULD have had, but didnt. You will atone before you rest, my
Friend.
And then he was gone.
I stayed on that wind-swept and rocky beach for a very long
time, considering his words. A few days later, a high tide took my
wasted body out to sea. The worst part of it, worse than my
consignment to being a roaming Shade or the fact that no one would
find my body and mourn the loss, was the final smile with which he
had left me. Matthias the Unloved, an Innocent who had died by my
own designs, had forgiven me.
I guess if that kid from the Academy Awards had been there, he
could have seen us both, watching my body die. He could have
uttered his famous line again. He certainly would have seen me
he still can. For now I am the Phantom Castrato. Matt moved
on. I havent. Its been a thousand years and more, but here I
am, writing it all down for someone to read. I think they said his
name was Haley, that strange boy in the movie. He looked so much
like Nicky, but thats another long story.