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It has been 20 years now sense my life changed, for better or worse I guess I will never know. First let me start with this story is not some fantasy or dream I thought up it is real life. I don’t play games with people and there is no reason to start now. I was 12 when my mother and step dad got arrested for selling drugs of a large quantity. My mother received a 10 – 25 year sentence, so that left me in the care of the state of NJ. I bounced around to a few different foster homes until I was 13, then I was placed in the care of a pastor and his wife. They had three children of there own and 15-17 foster boys in there home, depending on the time. The pastor was a kind-hearted man in most all his ways but his wife was rather cruel to all of the foster children. It was not until just after my 14th birthday did I realize why she seemed to dislike us so much. Over the year that I had been in the home I had seen some of the other boys go with the pastor on Friday evenings to his beach home were he went to work on his books and sermons. The boys always wanted to be the one chosen to go and they would show great disappointment when someone else was chosen or when more then one boy went. Because I never liked to stir up waves I was just content to not go and stay at the home and act as the pastors wife and children’s slave. This time I was chosen to go, with some excitement and apprehension I packed things for the weekend and off we went. We arrived at the home I guess around 11:00pm or so, we put away the food and clothing and set down to watch TV. About 5 minutes past when the pastor leaned over to star to unzip my pants, I was afraid, he was well over 6ft tall, 220lbs and in good shape for a man in his early 40s. That evening he brought me at 14 to my first ever climax, taught me how to suck on him as well as how to relax when receiving it from behind. It was one of the most confusing nights of my life; I hated what I was doing yet it felt so good to be with him and to make him happy. The next morning he woke me up, made breakfast and to my surprise gave me his daughter Ruth’s skirt, panties, top and stockings to put on. Ruth was my age and one of his three true children; she was also the subject of my deepest desires at that age. She was for me the girl that made you stutter when she talked to you and week in the knees to stand beside her. I put on her things because I was told to and I guess I was intrigued by it. That day we spent doing nothing but me playing his naughty little daughter, I did so many things that day with him that it truly still makes me ill to think about. Well the next morning came and we were on our way back home for Sunday morning services. He asked me to suck on him on the way to church and if I took him all the way into my mouth I could come back again soon. Believe me part of me wanted no part of this again, yet some sick side of me wanted it, so I sucked him, putting his entire dick into my mouth down to his balls. I could feel the cum reaching my stomach as he came but I never did taste it, that was positive for me, I really did not enjoy the taste. My second trip was about two months latter; it was pretty much the same as the first. It was my third trip that he decided to bring Skip another one of the boys with us. When we arrived we meet the pastors wife, she had come down earlier, at first I thought we were in trouble then she said “OK you little gay boys get your cloths off and let me see you suck each other, we turned to the pastor and he nodded in agreement with his wife’s wishes. So that weekend Skip and I both wore Ruth’s’ cloths and had sex with the pastor and each other. His wife however just watched and we never did even touch her. Instead of us sleeping with the pastor we slept together on the couch. I guess this was my big mistake because I liked the sex with Skip, he was my age and we were friends, it just felt so right. Over the next several months Skip and I would sneak off with each other to have sex, I was never proud of it but it felt good. After nearly two years of the trips down to the beach house I guess I had explored ever type of same sex thing you could possible dream up, yet I had not ever been with a girl. I was a bit over 16 when I first realized that Ruth had taken an interest in me. Of course this was not permitted because I was one of the foster boys. So we kept it to ourselves. We did everything you would expect kids of 16 to do except sex, Ruthie did not wish to go that far and I never presses it because I was afraid I would dirty her in some way. One night after some heavy petting between us she went to bed and I woke up Skip, he and I had continued sex over the years and I told him I really needed to have it now. Looking back I realize I was using him and I am sure he realized it then, but to us sex was using other people. We went outside by the shed and started, to our horror Ruthie walked out to the shed because she heard us and wanted to see what we were doing. When we saw her, I knew my world was shattered; it took her all of a minute to run in the house, wake up her mom and tell her what she had seen. As the night wore on in front of the pastor and his wife, Ruthie further explained about our petting and our like for each other. Skip and I stayed awake the rest of the evening sitting in the living room. The next morning skip and I, along with the pastor and his wife headed for the beach house. Not one word was said the entire way down, upon arrival we were instructed to remove our cloths and shave our pubic hair. We did so not knowing what was in store us. We were tied down to the bed in a speed eagle position and then left there for the entire day as the pastor and his wife left the house. Early in the evening they arrived back at the house and put a rubber ball in our mouths, then tapped it shut. I watched as his wife took a very small doctors knife and cut a whole about two inches above skips dick on the left and right side. I could tell that he was screaming in pain and the water of tears ran down his face like I would never have believed. I watched as she pushed his left testicle up into his abdomen and with her fingers in the whole she had made pull it out of him. Skip passed out early on from the pain, but I watched as she removed both his testicles and sewed him back up. I knew it was my turn now, I was so afraid, not of losing them (I did not know what they even did), I was afraid of the pain. I passed out about the same point that skip had and when I awoke late in the night, I could feel the pain in my stomach like none other before. The pastor went back home and his wife would come and go from time to time. Skip got better within about a week, I however seemed to be getting sicker with each hour. Skip told me that I had to pretend I was getting better so that we could go home. I did so and two days latter I was back in school, a teacher at the school noticed my fever and took me to the nurse. Of course they wanted to do a physical and I was opposed. I guess that is when I passed out again. When I woke up four days had passed and I was in a hospital, with a guard in front of my room. It seemed as if they had seen what had been done and then Skip came forward to tell what happened. The pastor tried to kill Skip and his wife then ran. They eventually caught him in Va. He was brought back to NJ and given 10-15 years in Avenal adult corrections for sexual abusers. After being released he took his own life with a gun while working in a car wash. His wife spent one year in the county lock-up and 5years probation. She has re-married and is living in Florida. Skip had a drug over dose at 19, I visit his grave often. As for me, after years spent with the nut doctors trying to fix what is not fixable (my head) and the hormonal specialist getting the correct mix of medication to allow me to continue to mature as a male, I guess I am OK. I have never been capable of having an erection, the medication that would be required I cannot take due to high BP. I did get married at age 23 to a great girl, her name is Ruth yes, the same Ruth. She is even more attractive as an adult then she was as a teen. We now have three children of our own, well I should say Ruth does, I guess they are someone else’s sperm but I love them as much as any dad could love his own children. I do get jealous when Ruth goes out from time to time, I realize I cannot give her what she needs but that is a whole other story. I stumbled onto this web page by accident, looking for information on others like myself. I realize that most of the stories are to excite people. Mine however was done just to let go and tell what happened, the people who read this don’t know who I am and will not. There is not a thing wrong with enjoying fantasies; I am living proof of how long a fantasy can keep you going. Just remember that some times reality is there and there is no good side when it is real, everybody lost in this one.