Christine XX: A Surprise For Christine

I was quite surprised when the nurse escorted me into a meeting room on the second floor. There were Dr. Reynolds, Mom and Dad, Dr. Cooper, and two doctors I didn’t know. Dr. Reynolds introduced them to me as Dr. Obremski, Ben’s oncologist, and Dr. Carruthers, Ben’s primary care doctor. “What in the world is going on?” Dr. Reynolds demanded as soon as I was seated. I could tell that he was more than a little annoyed; probably the first time I had ever seen him in such a state. “I don’t know what on earth you said or did to Josh, but he was in tears when he got home yesterday. He simply wouldn’t let up until I made these arrangements. What did you say to him anyway?”

“I didn’t say anything except the truth,” I answered. “Ben is a nice kid and he doesn’t deserve to die just ‘cause of some stupid rule. I’m a perfect match for his bone marrow, and you’re gonna let him die instead of using it.”
“Well, I have confirmed with Dr. Obremski that Ben is indeed running out of options, but Christine, you have to understand that just because your blood type and his are a match, there are more things that have to be considered.”
“There is only one chance in about ten thousand that you will be an acceptable donor,” Dr. Obremski added.
“I’m tellin’ you, I’m a perfect match,” I insisted. “I didn’t know that last night, but I do now.
“But how could you possibly know that?” Mom asked.
“Doesn’t matter how I know, Mom, I just do. If you’re so sure I won’t be a match, prove it.”

The doctors whispered among themselves for a bit, then Dr. Cooper cleared his throat. “I believe Dr. Reynolds already told you that if you were to donate your bone marrow, and I repeat IF, that you would probably no longer be a candidate for surgery for at least a month?”
“Yes, sir, he told me.”
‘You know it took a lot of work and arranging to set this all up. We’re all ready to go next Monday morning, but I can’t promise you we can set it up with such an excellent team again for months, maybe years.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I insisted. “This is far more important than my operation. I’m sorry if I inconvenienced y’all a little, but we’re talking about Ben’s life! Besides, why are we even talking about this if you’re so sure I won’t be a match?”

Again, more whispering among the doctors. I saw Dr. Carruthers shake his head violently, then Dr. Reynolds whispered loudly enough for us all to hear, “Believe me, she won’t let up. I know her, and once she gets an idea in her head nothing short of cold hard proof will change it.” More whispering, a few nods and shrugs. Dr. Reynolds pressed the button on a telephone kinda device and spoke into the machine. “Can we have a stenographer in here please?” he said. Mom came over to where I was sitting and hugged me. “You’re going to throw all our plans away for this boy?” she whispered.
“Yeah, Mom,” I replied. “If I have to, then I have to.”

When the stenographer was seated and a tape recorder turned on, Dr. Reynolds again took control of the meeting. “Your legal name is Christopher Elliot, is that right Christine?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied.
“And you are here in the hospital to undergo a sex reassignment operation, is that correct?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You are demanding to undergo tests to determine your acceptability as a bone marrow donor for a cancer patient named Benjamin Collins, is that correct?”
“Yes, sir.”

We went on like this for over an hour, forcing me to answer to every aspect of what we had discussed for the benefit of the tape recorder. Finally Dr. Reynolds turned to my dad. “Mr. Elliot, are you satisfied that your son Christopher, commonly known as Christine, understands what he is committing himself to?”
“I am,” Dad said. “As with everything Christine does, she has researched this whole thing to the best of her ability, and has applied her skills as a child and reduced a very complicated issue to one that is so simple I’m wondering why we’re even having this meeting.”
“Are you saying you think she has over simplified the issue?” Dr. Obremski asked.
“Not at all,” Dad answered. “What I said was, she has reduced the issue to its simplest form and thrown away all the details that don’t really matter. It is simply a matter of being able to save a life, and wondering why she can’t just do it.”

“Do you agree with your husband’s assessment, Mrs. Elliot?”
“I do,” Mom said.
“And do you support his desires? Are you willing to sign a consent form allowing us to perform the transplant test, and if positive, the transplant of some of Christopher’s bone marrow to the patient Benjamin Collins?”
“I am,” Mom said.
“Mr. Elliot?”
“I am. I fully support anything she... or rather HE can do to help.”

“Are you both confident that Christopher can live with not having his SRS surgery, in spite of all the trauma he has suffered the past two years?”
“If Christine says she can handle it, she can handle it,” Mom said firmly, and Dad agreed. I don’t think I had ever loved my parents as much as I did at that moment. “My strong suspicion is that she can NOT live with knowing a boy died when she might have been able to help him,” she added.

The doctor asked the steno to get the agreement typed up right away, and we all sat and chatted while she was gone. “Oh, there’s one more thing,” I said as someone called me ‘Christine.’ “My... ...uh... I guess my name is Christopher. And Mom, could you please get me some boys’ clothes for when I leave the hospital? I know gettin’ me a whole bunch of clothes is probably more than we can afford so I’ll still wear my other things for a while, but from now on my name’s Christopher.”

“Why don’t we just hold off on that, until we see if you’re a good donor match?” Dr. Reynolds asked.
“I’m gonna match,” I said again with as much determination as I could display. “We might as well cancel the other surgery, ‘cause I’m not gonna be able to do it.”

I really got the third degree after the meeting was over. Dr. Reynolds wanted to talk to me, but he said it could wait, that I needed to talk it all out with my parents first. “I just don’t understand you, Christine,” my dad said when we were alone in the meeting room.
“Christopher,” I corrected him.
“Whatever. Dammit, boy! I just get used to thinking of you as a girl, and you decide you’re not a girl at all. What’s with you?”
“Things change, Dad,” I said with a shrug. “I’m just a kid. I haven’t figured it all out, but I know what I have to do. I’m sorry for all the confusion, but don’t you think I’m confused too?”

“Of course you are, Honey.” Mom said as she hugged me. “I know, you’re just determined to help your friend at all cost. But do you really understand the cost? And how can you be so sure that it’s the right thing to do? How can you be so sure that things are going to work out anyway?”
“I just am, Mom. I’m sure.”
“You were just as sure two years ago that you had suddenly become a girl, and that you couldn’t possibly live another second as a boy,” Dad reminded me. “So what’s changed?”

I felt myself starting to cry as I remembered all the hell, turmoil, teasing I’d been through in the past two years. Dad was right. I was willing to endure it all and more to achieve my goal. I had even defied my dad, the man I practically worshipped. Could they possibly be right? Was I once again making a decision I would regret later? And another thing they hadn’t brought up: What about Josh? It was well accepted by everyone that we were sweethearts, well, lovers if you leave out the sex part, in spite of our tender ages. Was I dumping him along with all the other plans?

I was still fighting the tears, but I was losing. “What’s changed is that I’ve grown two years,” I said to my dad. “I’ve lived as a girl and I’ve enjoyed it. But I’ve also learned to be a boy. I thought that being an athlete, and having muscles and not crying was what a boy is all about. Josh taught me that those things are not important. He taught me that it didn’t matter if other boys think you’re cool or not. I guess I learned from Josh that it’s ok to be different, and if someone has a problem with that, it’s their problem, not mine.

“And then I met Tony. Dad, he wants to be a normal boy so bad, but he can’t. His penis is gone. They’re even talking about castrating him and turning him into a girl so he won’t be frustrated as he grows up. I guess I didn’t understand that at first because I hated those boy parts of mine so much. But Tony helped me to see that what I’ve got, and what I am, are special. If I could take my penis off and give it to Tony I’d do it in a heartbeat, but I can’t. So the least I can do is appreciate what I’ve got and not cut it off.

“Then I met Ben. Ben is dying. He’s ten years old, and he’s dying! And you wanna know what he said to me when he found out my situation? He said that I shouldn’t worry about a private room, that I could have his after he died.” I was really crying now, and so was Mom. Dad tried to be the strong macho male, but it wasn’t working. I could see his lips quivering the way they do when you’re trying not to cry.

I told my parents about the dreams I’d had. They tried to tell me they were just dreams, but I flatly rejected that idea. “You’ll see after the tests,” I said. “I learned in that dream that I’m gonna be a perfect match for Ben. You’ll see. There’s lots of times in the Bible that God talked to people in dreams. Even Walt Disney said that dreams are a wish your heart makes. He believed in dreams, and look where it got him.”

I had hoped to see Josh around lunch time, but there simply wasn’t time. Mom told me he was here, and that’s when I demanded that he come with me to the lab. Mom said that only she and Dad could be there. I said I knew better, that they could get him in if they tried. “I’ll make you a deal,” Dad said. “There’s some business that really can’t wait I should be attending to this afternoon. If you don’t mind, I could have Josh go with you instead of me.”

That wasn’t really what I’d had in mind, but I knew Dad wouldn’t have brought it up at all if his meeting wasn’t important, so I agreed. Then before I knew it I’d been given a quick bowl of soup, and then I was back in a hospital gown, flat on my back on a stretcher in the cancer lab. As soon as I was settled and ready, Mom and Josh were ushered in. It was the first time I’d seen Josh since everything had changed, and in some ways I wasn’t looking forward to facing him.

Josh was very reserved and quiet, but that was more or less to be expected with me being tested and Mom there. When I looked into his eyes though, I could see something... hurt? Disappointment? Fear? I didn’t know, but they certainly weren’t the bright, clear, happy deep brown eyes I’d looked into so many hundreds of times. I wanted desperately to talk to him, but it would have to wait as the nurse arrived with a shot of some sort of tranquilizer which she unceremoniously stuck in my butt and drove the plunger home. “This procedure doesn’t really hurt,” she said as she pulled the needle out. “But it can be scary. This is just something to help you relax.”

Relax was hardly the word for it. Within seconds I knew what it was like to be drunk. I mean really DRUNK! They drew several vials of blood, then took some skin samples with a razor like thing, and then the big one. Two nurses came in, and the look on their faces told me even in my drunken stupor that this was gonna be more than a little needle stick. One of the nurses pulled my gown completely off after making sure I was covered with a sheet “down there,” then the other one produced a huge needle that they said they were going to stick into my sternum to take a sample of my bone marrow. “What’s a sternum?” I mumbled through half numb lips.
“That’s your breast bone, Honey,” Mom said.

First they injected some sort of freezing, then after waiting for the site to go numb, one nurse told me to look away while the other produced one of the biggest needles I have ever seen in my life. My curiosity wanted me to watch what they were going to do, but fear won out as I turned my head and looked at Josh, then Mom. Both of them were fighting tears, and Josh was losing. His eyes were literally flooded with water. He told me later he could hardly see me as he watched them shove that big thing into my chest and start withdrawing a fluid that looked like blood except that it was thinner. “One more thing and then we’re done,” one of the nurses said as the other left with the needle full of fluid. “We have to put a catheter in so we can collect all your urine for the next few hours.”

“A c-catheter?” I echoed. In my mind I could see little Tony, bound to his bed by that tube connected to a bag under his bed.
“Just till morning,” she said as she pulled a curtain around the bed and shooed Josh outside. “We want to measure some other chemicals just to make sure you’re good and healthy in case you’re a match. If your body chemistry isn’t good, we might have to give you some supplements before you can be a donor.”

Before I had time to make any more objections, the sheets were pulled down and the nurse was slipping what looked to me to be a huge tube into the end of my penis. It didn’t really hurt, but it was one of the weirdest feelings I have ever had in my life. She kept pushing and pushing until I thought she must’ve had at least twenty feet of that tube inside of me (that’s a gross exaggeration, in reality it was only a little over one foot, but it felt like twenty). Finally I felt something strange deep inside me and my pee started coming out of the tube and into the bag that was attached. The nurse took a little syringe filled with water, connected it to the end of the catheter and pushed the plunger in. “There,” she said. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“It’s kinda neat,” I commented. But what’s the water for?”
“Keeps the catheter from coming out,” she explained. “That water makes a little balloon on the end swell up which seals it against your urethra, and prevents it from coming out.”
“But... how do ya get it out?”
“Curious little man, isn’t he?” the nurse said to my mom.
“You don’t know the half of it,” Mom answered.
“Would you like me to show you?” she asked me.
“Yeah. Please?” I answered excitedly. “Can Josh come back in? I think he’d like to see too.”

The nurse covered me up again, then left to get another catheter, telling Josh on the way out that he could come back in. When she returned she explained how the tube was pushed in until it got into my bladder. “When it gets in there your urine will start coming out the end, and that’s how we know it’s all the way in. Then we inject the sterile water like this.” She injected some water into the special connection on the end, and a little balloon inflated on the very end of the catheter.

“WOW!” I exclaimed. “Is that ever neat!”
“But... doesn’t it hurt?” Josh asked.
“Naw, it don’t hurt at all,” I answered. “It feels real weird though, kinda like a burning feeling like I’m peeing all the time.”
“That’s the tube irritating the nerves on the inside of your urethra,” the nurse explained. “That feeling will eventually go away and you won’t feel it at all. Just remember when you get the urge to pee, just relax. You’re tightly connected and that urge is false, so if you feel a real strong urge to pee just pretend you’re standing over a toilet and let it go just as you always do. The feeling will go away.”
“I don’t stand over a toilet,” I corrected. “I always sit to pee just like all girls.”

It was almost supper time when I was finally back in my own hospital bed. I wasn’t allowed up unless I was in a wheelchair, which didn’t thrill me all that much, so I just stayed in bed. The results of the tests would not be available until morning, but they scheduled Ben and me for the transplant anyway, just in case. It was to be at 11 AM.

“I’m really sorry, Josh,” I said when we were finally alone. “I know you were looking forward to that surgery as much as I was.”
“It’s ok,” he said, but his tone, the look on his face, his eyes were all distant, detached. “You really had no choice, Christine. I mean, I’m proud of you for doing this for Ben.”
“You’re gonna have to get used to calling me Christopher,” I said after a long pause, “or Chris. I guess Christine is gone.”
“Gone? But... aren’t you gonna reschedule?”
“No, I don’t think so. I’ve done a lot of thinking in here and I’ve decided I wanna try being Christopher again. I think maybe this was some sort of sign that I shouldn’t have that operation.”
“You mean from God?”
“Yeah, something like that. It’s just... you know, little Tony and how bad he wants to keep being a boy, but he’s afraid they’re gonna cut everything off and make him a girl whether he wants it or not, and here I am with everything I need to be a boy, it just... I dunno, Josh, it just didn’t seem right all of a sudden. I’m sorry...”
“It’s ok,” he answered. “I think I understand.”

I knew that Josh really didn’t understand just by the look on his face. Actually I wasn’t sure I understood myself, but I still had a plan I hadn’t shared with anyone yet. I was planning to ask my dad to take the money we’d saved for my surgery and use it to have Tony’s penis repaired, which would leave no money for my surgery. Dad was already working with Dr. Reynolds to try to get Tony and his sister out of the horrible situation they lived in, and I was pretty sure he’d go along with me if I tried hard enough. After all it was my money, from the retainer Mr. Marks and his producer had given me. But still I hated to hurt Josh, and I couldn’t help shuddering every time I thought of living my life as Christopher. When Josh left the hospital, he seemed deep in thought - actually it was almost as if he was on another planet.

“How long you gonna have the catheter in?” Tony wanted to know as soon as we were snuggled together in bed. He had stopped all pretenses of sleeping in his own bed now, and simply crawled in with me after we were cleaned up and ready for bed.
“Just till morning,” I answered. “They wanna collect all my urine to do some more tests.”
“Did the tests hurt?” he asked.
“Not really,” I replied. “They gave me some sorta drug that had me so high I couldn’t feel much of anything.”
“You shoulda seen Ben today,” he said with his wide grin showing his perfect white teeth. “He’s already makin’ plans to go back to school an’ stuff. He’s so happy.”
“Doesn’t he know it might not work?” I said with concern.
“Yeah, he knows, but he says he just has a feeling that it’s gonna work fine. He says you’re like an angel sent to him.”

We lay together in silence for a while. I felt Tony’s hand slip tentatively down my mid section and grasp my penis. He slipped his hand along its two inch length to the end and fingered the catheter tube that was coming out the end. “Does it hurt?” he wondered.
“No, just a little weird,” I answered. I could feel myself getting hard, which felt really weird with that tube running inside; almost as if everything was under some sort of pressure. “I love it when you touch me,” I whispered as I slid my hand down inside Tony’s diaper.

Tony looked at me and smiled. In the dim night light of the room, his teeth and eyes seemed to be almost glowing in contrast to his black face. On a sudden impulse, without even thinking about it, I moved my head close to him and our lips touched. I kissed him. It was meant to be my usual run of the mill one second kiss, but Tony pressed against me softly and urgently. Before the kiss had ended I could feel Tony’s tongue trying to enter. I had never even heard of French kissing, but some instinct took over and I parted my lips to let his tongue in. I could feel myself now getting so hard it was actually painful. Tony moaned almost inaudibly as his tongue probed around the inside of my mouth. I sucked on it gently, then pulled away. “I’m sorry,” I muttered. “I didn’t mean to... uhh... it just sorta happened.”

“You never frenched before?” Tony asked, astonished.
“Frenched? What’s that?”
“That’s what we just did. We French kissed.”
“Where in the world did you learn to do that, at your age?”
“My friend Larry used to do it to me. He’s 14. I didn’t like it much when he did though cause he was always dirty and his breath smelled like beer and cigarettes. Did you like it?”
“I loved it,” I answered. “Your mouth, and your tongue... I dunno, it was almost a sweet taste. I never felt anything like that before.”
“So we can do it again?”
“Man, I certainly hope so. What else did Larry and you do?”

As soon as the question was out, I knew I shouldn’t have asked it. The happy expression disappeared from Tony’s face, replaced by a cloudy frown. “Nothin’ really,” he said. “He just played with my dick and made me play with his.”
“Made you? I thought you liked it.”
“I do like it with yours, but I mean we’re not really playin,’ we’re just touchin’. But Larry was always so dirty, an’ he’s big and hairy and rough. He used to hurt me sometimes. An’ he always wanted me to suck his and I wouldn’t do it.”
“Suck it? You mean his...”
“Yeah. I was kinda hopin’ you’d let me do yours tonight but then you got that catheter in.”
“I think that’s kinda gross,” I said with a shiver.
“Some guys love to do it, if the guy’s clean. I’ve always wanted to try it. Can I, Chris? Please?”

The thoughts of that angelic little black face buried in my groin, sucking on my most personal possession, was driving me wild. I already knew that gay guys did that sort of thing, but it had never occurred to me that I would ever do it, or have it done to me. But now, facing the possibility head on, with such an adorable little guy, I found the prospect somewhat appealing. And even more appealing was the thoughts of touching my mouth to personal places on Tony’s beautiful little body. Still, something inside me started to remind me that if I did this type of experimentation it should be with Josh, not Tony, “We’ll see,” I said. “First I gotta get this catheter out, and you gotta let me try too, IF anybody tries anything.”
“But I don’t have...”
“You got lots of other things. I’ll figure something out. Deal?”
“Uh-huh,” Tony answered readily. Moments later we were both asleep.

They told me repeatedly that donating my bone marrow would not hurt. Well, perhaps that’s because none of them had ever done it. By eight AM I was lying on another gurney, naked, and high as a kite with another shot of some drug. The nurses painted my whole side with that brown funky smelling stuff, all the time chattering brightly and wondering why I could only answer in mumbles. “OK,” Dr. Obremski said as he approached me with a needle that looked to me to be at least three feet long, “it’s show time. This’ll only take a minute or two, Christopher.”

That “Minute or two” lasted about five weeks in my book. He inserted that needle into my hip, where the hip bone sticks out, and then right into the bone. It didn’t really hurt going in, but once there I started feeling a dull ache somewhere in my lower back. The doctor poked and probed around, evidently having some sort of trouble getting it exactly where he wanted. Pretty soon the large cylinder attached to the needle started filling up with a red fluid that looked to me like watered down blood. “Ok, you’re done,” he announced as he withdrew the needle. He commented a few times what a brave little boy I was, and then he was gone into the next room to insert that fluid into Ben’s body.

I spent the rest of the day in bed, in and out of sleep as I tried desperately to come out from under the shroud of drunkenness that drug had caused. I was vaguely aware of Josh in the room, but I could do no more than mumble to him. I’m sure he had no idea what I was trying to say because I didn’t know myself what I was saying. Finally, about 6 PM, I woke up and was feeling almost human except that my hip was aching like hell. The first sight I saw when I opened my eyes was the beautiful, angelic, very worried face of Josh. “Hi,” he said with a broken voice. “You ok?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I said.
“Man, were you ever out of it! What in the world did they do to you?”
“I dunno,” I said as I grimaced when I moved my leg. “They gave me some sort of shot, and then they drove a truck through my bones.”

We sat in silence for a while. Josh told me that my parents were in earlier, and that they said they’d be back in an hour or so. As the fog in my brain cleared, it became obvious to me that Josh had something on his mind. I guess I knew him pretty well, but then he wasn’t very good at hiding his feelings. He was always so cheerful and sure of himself, except when something was bothering him and then he got really quiet. “What’s wrong, Josh?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he replied. “I just hate to see you hurting that’s all.”
“You’re lyin’, I accused. “What is it, Josh?”

Josh sat for a long time, mulling something over in his mind. Finally he got it out. “Dad told me that you’re not planning to reschedule the surgery,” he said.
“I can’t, Josh,” I answered. “I’m sorry, I guess this kinda fouls things up, doesn’t it? I mean... well, you and me... you bein’ my boy friend...”
“I don’t think it has to foul things up,” he said as he looked at me in the intense way that only Josh could do. “I mean, we can still be dance partners, and... and I still love you... I mean, that was a great thing you did for Ben... but why does it have to foul everything up?”

I don’t know why, but for some reason this conversation, at that particular moment, caused me to lose it. Maybe coming off that high had something to do with it, or the ache in my hip made me irritable. But whatever the reason, I suddenly threw off the covers, then pulled my hospital gown up to my neck. “Look at me!” I ordered. “What do you see?”
“Uhhh... just a... a diaper?” Josh answered. “So what, Christine? I know you wet the bed sometimes and I know lots of people have to wear them in the hospital. That’s no big deal.”
“Not that,” I said as I ripped the diaper off. “Now what do you see?”

Josh’s eyes grew bigger than I had ever seen them. He had never before seen me in my underwear, much less naked. He used to tell me I was far too modest, that virtue was a good thing but the human body was nothing to be ashamed of. “I... I see your penis,” he stammered. “But Christine...”
“Christine?” I screamed. “Touch it. Go on, touch it!” Josh obeyed, reluctantly. His first touch was timid and tentative. First one finger, then another, then it was in his hand and he was fondling it. “Does that feel like something that someone named Christine should have?” I demanded.
“But it doesn’t matter,” he argued as he withdrew his hand. I had started to react to his touch, but I didn’t even notice.

At that moment Tony came bouncing into the room, greeting us both with a cheery “hey guys.” I called him over. “Tony, show Josh your stump,” I ordered.
“Huh?” he said absently.
“I said, show Josh your stump. He doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t get mine cut off.”

Tony asked no further questions, but crawled up on the foot of my bed and lay on his back, pulling his diaper down to his ankles. Josh’s mouth dropped open and his eyes grew even wider. He reached tentatively and touched Tony’s stump tenderly. “Does it hurt?” he asked.
“Not now,” Tony answered. “It did for a while but not any more. I kinda like it when people touch it, but so far the only one that doesn’t mind touching it is Chris. And his is so perfect, I love playin’ with it.”

Josh eyed me curiously as Tony pulled his diaper back up. Then sensing that we were in a pretty intense conversation, he announced that he was going to go check on Ben and was gone. “You and Tony have been foolin’ around?” Josh questioned.
“Not exactly,” I said. “He likes to touch mine ‘cause he says it’s so perfect, an’ I kinda play with what’s left of his. It makes him feel good, and I kinda like to touch him too.”
“Does that mean you and Tony are... well...”
“No, Josh. We’re both boys, and he’s only 8 years old!”
“You and I are both boys too, Christine. And you’re 3 years younger than I am. But...”
“Please don’t call me Christine. Christine is dead. I was your girl friend when I was a girl, but I’m not any more. I’m Christopher now, and I’m not gay.”

Poor Josh was so confused he didn’t even know what question he should ask next. So I explained to him what Tony had explained to me: that touching another boy’s body, engaging in sex play, even loving another boy, didn’t mean that one is gay. I told him that Tony and I definitely do love each other, but that I still loved Josh just as much as I ever did. “I just can’t be your girl friend any more.” I said. “I can’t be anyone’s girl friend ‘cause I’m not a girl.”
“Then be my boy friend,” Josh countered.
“But we’re not gay,” I repeated.
“I don’t think we know that for sure,” he argued. “But I don’t think it makes any difference. I just wanna be your friend and be close to you like we always were. I don’t wanna lose you, Christine... er... Christopher.”
“I don’t wanna lose you either, Josh,” I answered. We were both crying now.

Neither of us seemed to notice that I was still lying on my bed, diaper off, all my glory on full display for all to see. Neither of us noticed Dr. Reynolds appear, with my parents right behind him. They all seemed to know instantly that Josh and I were trying to resolve the tangle of issues that my sudden change of heart, and gender, had caused. Mom busied herself putting a fresh diaper on me while Dr. Reynolds and my dad came over to talk to Josh and me. “Your mom and dad are very concerned,” he said gently. “Frankly I am too. We’re afraid your decision to cancel your surgery is a very big mistake and you’ll regret it sooner or later. I need to know what’s changed your mind, why you are now so determined to become Christopher again.”

“You yourself told me I couldn’t have it now,” I reminded him.
“What if I told you that I’ve spoken with Dr. Cooper and he is willing to go ahead?” Dr. Reynolds asked. “It seems your tests were all so good, you’re so healthy, that he thinks there’s very little increased risk if any. We can go ahead Monday morning.”
“Can’t,” I said. I could see Josh’s face light up like a Christmas tree, then go dark again when he’d heard my answer.

“Are you telling me you WANT to cancel?” the astonished doctor said.
“Yes, sir,” I answered. It might have flown had it not been for the tears in my eyes and my longing look towards Josh. Mom told me later that the look I gave Josh as I gave my answer was the most longing, the most pitiful she had ever seen in her life.
“May I ask why?” Dr. Reynolds asked softly.
“You owe us all an explanation,” Dad said. “After all you’ve been through, and all you’ve put the rest of us through, the least you can do is explain.”
“Tony,” I said as I started to cry harder. “Tony needs surgery, an’ there’s no money for it. I just can’t spend all that money on myself when Tony needs surgery so bad and can’t have it.”

Dad took one of my hands in his, Mom took the other. “Chris, if that’s your only reason, I don’t think you’re being very fair to us, or to Josh. It’s fine for you to care for others, but I think in some ways you’re being very selfish. That money just dropped out of the sky, and we were all so thankful that your impossible dream could become a reality. You can’t just squander it on someone else without even considering anyone else’s feelings.”
“I know, Dad,” I said. “But I also know you and Mom and Josh. You have always taught Johnny and me what a shame it is that we have so much luxury and waste while there are starving children right here in our own country. I also know that you are working with Dr. Reynolds to get Tony and his sister into a better family. I’m sorry, Dad, but I just can’t spend all that money when Tony...”

“There are a lot of very qualified people who will be quick to tell you that you NEED that surgery,” Dr. Reynolds reminded me. “We’ve gone to a lot of trouble to satisfy ourselves that this is not just some whim, it’s what you NEED. Christine is not going to die, Chris, no matter how hard you try to kill her. This is no more an option for you now than it ever was.”
“I don’t see where I’ve got any choice,” I said, but even as I was making the statement my thoughts of suicide popped uninvited back into my head.
“I’ll be right back,” Dr. Reynolds said suddenly, and he was gone before anyone had a chance to question where he was going in such a hurry.

Dr. Reynolds was gone over two hours, during which time I lay in my bed while Mom and Dad sat and chatted. Tony came back with a very gloomy look on his face, announcing that Ben was still unconscious but the nurse had told him there was no change in his condition. “It takes time,” Mom told him, but Tony would not be comforted. He had somehow got it in his head that Ben’s recovery would be instantaneous once my marrow was in his system. Even so, I felt a little disappointment myself, thinking that they should see some improvement at least.

“Johnny’s gonna be home Sunday afternoon,” Mom said brightly. “He said he definitely wanted to see you before your surgery.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem,” I said gloomily. He’s gonna be mad, but... well...
“He won’t be mad,” Mom said. “When he finds out all that’s happened and why you’re not having the surgery he’ll be very proud of you, just like the rest of us are.”
“Not having it?” Tony questioned. “But I thought... I mean, I thought the doctor said you could go ahead in a few weeks?”

“You haven’t told him?” Mom questioned. Then before I could answer Josh repeated the question.
“No, I didn’t tell him,” I replied. “I had to make sure you were ok with it, Mom and Dad, since it’s a lot of money and I can’t just spend it without your approval.”
“It’s really your money,” Dad reminded me. “As ill advised as we think the whole project is, we really can’t stop you.”
“Ok with what?” Tony demanded. “Tell me what?”

Before we had a chance to reply, Dr. Reynolds appeared. “Can I see you a minute, John?” he requested. Without questioning, without explaining to the rest of us, Dad got up and left. I thought it was rather odd, considering the intensity of our conversation, but I didn’t say anything. Again there was more small talk. Almost without realizing it, and certainly without thinking about it, I began to get curious. “Is something going on?” I questioned.
“I don’t know what you mean, dear,” Mom said. Now I knew there was something going on. I thought of the meeting Dad suddenly had to go to, allowing Josh to be with me when they took my bone marrow. Then Dr. Reynolds had left so suddenly, and now Dad had gone again. I still didn’t say anything, but I knew something was up. I looked at Josh, but he avoided my eyes. He wasn’t about to tell me anything and he knew I could read his face. So now I knew that whatever it was, he was in on it.

Dad and the doctor still hadn’t returned when visiting hours were over, so Mom kissed me once for herself, once for Dad, and then she left as if she knew exactly where to find him. “Tomorrow’s Saturday,” she said as she was leaving. “I suspect Gail will be in first thing in the morning.”
“Cool,” I said. I would certainly be glad to see Gail. I knew she was still going through a rough time, and I certainly was. But we had a calming effect on each other that defied description. On the other hand, I couldn’t lie to Gail. I was gripped with panic as I realized she would know instantly I was lying if I tried to sell her on the concept of becoming Christopher again. I had to convince her of my plan, but I knew it would be a tough sell.

After all the visitors had gone and things were beginning to settle down for the night, Tony and I made our way down to Ben’s private room. What we found when we got there wasn’t very pretty. Ben was dozing when we entered his room, and to me he looked as if he were already dead. He was so incredibly still, his face had the gray pallor of death. “He’s just sleeping,” Tony assured me as if reading my thoughts.

“Hi.” Ben said weakly as he slowly opened his eyes. “If I’d known you were coming I’d a baked a cake.” I tried to be cheerful as I greeted him, but it was hard, one of the hardest things I had ever done. He was so weak he could hardly lift his hand in greeting. “I never got a chance to thank you, Christine,” he said with a weak smile. “You saved my life you know. I felt so bad when my doctor told me that you had given up your operation so I could get a marrow transplant, but then he told me they were gonna operate on you anyway. I was so glad for you.”

“It was the least I could do,” I said self-consciously. Inside I felt totally sick. I had canceled my surgery for nothing. Ben was obviously dying anyway, yet he was so cheerful. He had absolute faith that he was going to get better now. But what he didn’t seem to realize was that even if he did get better, his family had abandoned him. I shocked myself by thinking that he’d be better off if he did die. After thinking about it I knew, with all my heart, that my mom and dad would never have let a little thing like two or three hundred miles separate them from their dying son, or daughter, or whatever. So my new friend Ben was facing - facing what? If by some miracle that I couldn’t see he did get better, he would go into foster care, and what would he have there to live for? I knew now because I’d been there, even if only for one night. What way was that to live? But it didn’t really matter because I knew I was looking at a dead boy.

“So you’re gonna have your surgery on schedule on Monday morning, right?” Ben asked. “I’m not sure, ‘cause sometimes I lose track of time, but this is Friday night, right?”
“Yeah,” Tony said enthusiastically. “We got two whole days with no tests, no therapy, so we can just hang out. It’s gonna be so cool.”
“That’s great,” Ben said. “So are you nervous about your surgery, Christine? I think I’d be scared to death.”
“There’s not gonna be any surgery,” I blurted out before I’d had a chance to think about it.

Ben’s eyes opened wider than I’d ever seen before. With a great deal of difficulty he propped himself up on his elbows. I remembered thinking that a body movement like that was something we all do effortlessly without even thinking about it, but for Ben it was a real struggle to accomplish. “No surgery?” he said intensely. “But why not? Dr. Obremski said you were so healthy the marrow transplant didn’t really bother you, except for some pain.”
“It’s got nothing to do with you or the transplant,” I assured him. “It’s just...”
“Just what?” he demanded. I was getting quite concerned that Ben was over-exerting himself. He had become quite agitated, more so than I would have thought he’d be able to do. “You can’t cancel that surgery, Christine,” he exclaimed. “If the doctor is willing to go ahead, why on earth would you ever think of canceling?”
“It’s kinda complicated,” I defended. “It’s got nothing to do with you, Ben. I just can’t...”

I didn’t even realize I’d done it, and it’s almost unbelievable that Ben noticed in his condition, but evidently I had shot a glance in Tony’s direction with my eyes. Whatever the reason, Ben turned his eyes directly to Tony and asked him gently but firmly, “Tony, can I talk to Christine alone for a sec?”
“Sure,” Tony replied in his characteristic cheery voice. “I’ll go down to the nurses’ station and scrounge us all a soda.”

“What’s Tony got to do with all this?” Ben asked as soon as the little guy was gone. “And don’t even try an’ deny it. I saw you look at him when you told me there wasn’t gonna be any surgery. When you’re dying like I was, you learn to notice things. I noticed the looks my mom and dad gave each other when they learned I prob’ly wouldn’t live. I knew, Christine. I knew they were gonna just leave me here. I saw the look in your eyes when I first woke up, but you’re wrong. I’m not gonna die, Christine. I’m gonna live and it’s all because of you. I dunno what I’m gonna do but right now it’s not important. The only thing that’s important is I’m gonna live. But I’m not so sure about you. I saw in your eyes how important this surgery was to you the first time I met you, and you’ve gotta go through with it.”

I was totally astonished at Ben’s insight. I suppose because he really didn’t have much use of the rest of his body, he had focused all his energy in his eyes. I don’t really know what it was, but he had obviously developed a perception that I could only dream about. He knew my mind, my every thought. He had figured out that his family had written him off, but still he was fighting with every fiber in his weak body. He was not about to give up. And his first thoughts, his only concern was for his friends, and in his mind he only had two: Tony and me. “I can’t go ahead with my surgery,” I said weakly. “I’ve got enough money to get Tony the surgery he needs, but there’s not enough for both of us. You know what happened to him, Ben.”

“I know,” Ben said. As he spoke I realized that it was taking all the strength he could muster just to form words and speak, yet he was as eloquent and coherent as anyone I had ever known. “I also have some idea what you’ve been through. You’ve already taken the chance on losing your chance at surgery to save me, and I think I have some sense of what a sacrifice that was. But you’ve been given another chance, Chris. And if you give that up just so Tony can get what he needs, what about you?”
“I’ll be ok,” I answered. “I can’t just turn my back on Tony.”
“Tony’s a survivor,” Ben said. “He’ll make it one way or the other. I’m not so sure about you.”
“I’ve done ok so far,” I answered. “I’ll be ok. Actually I think it would make my dad very happy if Christine would die for good and Christopher came back.”

“You don’t believe that and you know it!” Ben said vehemently. “You’ve got to do it, Christine. You’ve got to do it for you, but you’ve got to do it for your family too. You’ve got to be the best you can for your family, and you can’t do that as Christopher. You know it and I know it. Tony will do just fine, surgery or not. He’s tough.”

I couldn’t deny Tony’s toughness. In spite of all he’d been through, despite the fact that his skin was as black as coal, he was a bright spot in the entire Children’s Wing. “Our little star,” the nurse had called him, and he was certainly that. He was regaining control of his bladder and working hard at it, in spite of the fact that he knew his incontinence was the only thing now holding him in the hospital. Any day now he would be returned to the hell that he called home, but still he had a smile for everyone. Perhaps that was why I couldn’t deny doing everything I could to help him. “I promise I’ll think about it,” I said. I don’t know if he had heard me or not, because Ben had once again slipped into a state of sleep, unconsciousness, coma, or whatever term they wished to call it. He had simply expended all the energy he had and his body had shut down.

I didn’t sleep much that night, in fact I don’t think I closed my eyes at all until well into the morning. I had rejected my diaper tonight, telling the kind nurse that I was pretty sure I’d be ok. I didn’t know it then, but I would never again wear, or need, a diaper. Tony, who had gone all day without an accident, had declared he would continue to wear them until he’d gone two nights without wetting. Now he was curled up in my bed, sleeping peacefully.

I thought about what Ben had said to me. At first it was almost an academic analysis. How could he possibly have such insight? How could he know what I was thinking, what I was planning? And then my thoughts had reached a more personal level. How could he have known all the emotional trauma I’d had in the past two years? How could he have known that I cared so much for little Tony? And what did he care anyway? Why wasn’t he concerned about his imminent death? And what about his family? I had no idea what his home life had been like before he got sick, but now that he’d been abandoned like some defective machine, he just seemed to have picked up the pieces and kept on keeping on. In a similar situation I would have been totally devastated.

I thought with no small degree of embarrassment of my own plans for suicide. My problems now seemed so minuscule compared to his, yet I was prepared to throw it all away: my family, loved ones, my home, even Josh, just because things weren’t going my way. Yet Ben was lying in a bed, without the strength to lift both arms at the same time, and he was fighting for life with everything that he had. He had no family, no future, no hope for a rewarding life, yet his primary concern was for the only two friends he had in the world: a little black boy from the slums and a very spoiled white boy/girl whom he’d only known for three days. All these things mulled over and over in my mind until I was finally so dizzy I had to close my eyes to keep from being sick. So I wrapped my free arm around my little black buddy, and that’s the last I remember.

I was still asleep when Gail arrived in the morning. To this day I don’t know what time she got there; all I know is that when I finally opened my eyes at 8, she was sitting in a chair by my bed, just staring at me. She wasn’t looking, reading a book and occasionally glancing, she was STARING! “Hi,” I said sleepily. “You’re here early.” Then before she had a chance to answer I realized that Tony wasn’t in bed with me. “Tony?” I said as I looked over at his empty bed.

“He’s gone,” Gail said. “He woke up about an hour ago and bolted out of here like a shot.”
“Where’d he go?” I asked.
“I dunno,” Gail replied. “I’m glad he’s gone though. We’ve gotta talk, Christine.”
“It’s Christopher,” I corrected. “Didn’t they tell you? Everything is off.”
“They told me,” Gail answered. “They also told me you’re not very happy about it. For what it’s worth, neither am I.”
“Can’t be helped,” I said. “I really don’t wanna talk about it, Gail. I know I can’t fool you so I’m not gonna try. But I was really hoping we could have a little time to just be... well... like we used to be.”
“What we used to be that I enjoyed the most is sisters,” she said, her eyes never having left me. “I was hoping that’s what you’d remember most too.”

“It is what I remember most, Gail,” I answered. “These last two years have been so incredibly special for me. But just because I wear different clothes doesn’t mean that has to change. We can still be...”
“Be what, Christine? Be cousins? I don’t wanna be your cousin, I wanna be your sister. I want you to be MY sister.”
“I can’t do that, Gail. I was really hoping you’d understand. It’s all over. I’ve made my decision and everything’s off. I just can’t go through with it.”
“Fine,” Gail replied. “I know all about Tony and the money and why you feel you can’t go through with the surgery. But you’ve been a very successful girl for two years without any surgery. I just don’t understand why you can’t keep on the way you’ve been. Sooner or later...”

“Sooner or later I’d go fuckin’ crazy!” I said angrily. “I’m just sick to death of being half boy, half girl. I just don’t care any more what I am, Gail, as long as I’m ALL SOMETHING, and not half and half.
“You used to be all boy, and you were totally miserable,” Gail reminded me.
“I’ve learned a lot since then,” I retorted. “I don’t care any more what anyone thinks.”
“If you don’t care what anyone thinks, why are you so concerned about what’s between your legs?”

I didn’t answer her last question. Just then Tony came into the room, and he wasn’t his usual self. “Ben’s no better,” he announced as he threw himself on my bed. “I was hopin’ by now...”
“It’s still early,” I told him. “You can’t give up on him.”
“Why not?” Tony answered. “You’ve given up.”
“Have not,” I argued. “The doctors told me it could be weeks before we see any improvement.”
“I’m not talkin’ about Ben,” Tony said as he looked deep into my eyes. “You’ve given up on yourself. Ben told me that you canceled your surgery so I could have mine, but I got news for you, Christine. You might as well go ahead ‘cause I’m not havin’ an operation if it means you can’t.”
“You can’t refuse it,” I insisted.
“Already did,” he said in his defiant, almost fiery voice. “I just told them at the nursing station that there’s no way anyone’s cuttin’ on me.”

Well, if it was a fight I wanted, I should have been the happiest kid in the hospital. Now I had two giant battles on my hands, and no sign that either one of them would end any time soon. I had hoped that I could pump Gail and find out what was going on between my dad, Dr. Reynolds and Josh; instead I had spent almost two hours arguing with her and Tony, trying to justify my position and getting nothing but opposition. I wanted to use the old hospital patient dodge and declare I was tired and go to sleep on them, but I was feeling fine and they knew it. I hadn’t even worn a diaper last night and I hadn’t wet a single drop. I was out of arguments and desperate for something to say, so when Dr. Reynolds appeared in the doorway I welcomed him like a long lost brother.

“Up and at ‘em, Princess,” Dr. Reynolds said cheerily as he came into the room with Josh right on his heels. “Sorry, Gail, but your sister here has some prep work to finish up. Tony, get your tail into your own bed and get those clothes off. We’ve got some work to do with you too.”
“Prep work?” I questioned. “Prep work for what?”
“But it’s Saturday,” Tony protested.
“Don’t matter,” Dr. Reynolds said happily. “You’re both scheduled for surgery first thing Monday morning. We’ve had to call in some lab folks on overtime so let’s hop to it and get it done.”

“But how...” I stammered.
“Nurses told me you didn’t wear a diaper last night and didn’t pee the bed. That’s great, Christine. Unfortunately you’re still gonna have a catheter put in tomorrow. I suggest if you want to pee standing up just one more time you should do it now. You’re not gonna have the equipment to do it much longer. Tony, get your tail outta that diaper. Get a shower and push your call button when you’re done. Oh by the way, you’re both moving. You’ll be sharing a private room starting tomorrow night.”

“What the hell’s goin’ on?” I pleaded to Josh after the doctor had gone.
“Your dad and my dad,” Josh answered excitedly. “Man, when they put their heads together they’re something!”
“Will you please tell me what’s happened?” I demanded impatiently. “I made it very clear to everyone yesterday that I couldn’t go through with it, and now I find that the whole damned hospital is rearranging their schedules so Tony and I can go to the OR on Monday morning. What’s goin’ on?”

Finally, after a lot of ranting and raving, I managed to get Josh to settle down and explain what had happened. “You remember when you ended up in the Psych ward of the hospital?” he said.
“It’s kinda hard to forget,” I said bitterly.
“Remember how that nurse tried to trick you and then went through all your things, then videotaped you while you were doing your German lessons, practicing your dance steps, and...”
“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” I said irritably. “So what? I’d love to forget, but...”
“Your dad and mine double teamed the hospital administrator,” Josh said with the most evil grin I had ever seen. “Your dad was threatening a lawsuit, and my dad started pointing out all the psychological damage they might have done, and before it was over the administrator was begging them both to let you stay in the hospital so they could make it up to you.”

“But what about Tony?” I asked, still confused beyond description.
“That’s prob’ly the best part,” Josh said as his face brightened more than I’d seen it in a long time. “They called Social Services and did the very same number on them. Your dad has been trying to get information on Tony’s case, but they’ve been stalling. But when he and my dad both showed up at their office and threatened to blow the whole thing wide open, together with your case, they suddenly started to cooperate. Now Tony’s a ward of the State, and so is his sister, and they’re gonna pay all his expenses, whatever it takes. Then your surgery team got together after they found out that you were gonna cancel so Tony could have his surgery, and they took up a collection. Between the money that was collected and the free services that most of the doctors are giving, almost everything’s paid for. All of a sudden there’s money coming from everywhere, Christine. It’s gonna happen. It’s really gonna happen!”

I was to spend Sunday at home. Tony and I had been poked and probed so much all day Saturday that we were both exhausted when we finally went to bed, but the good news was that we were both in good shape for surgery early Monday morning. I didn’t want to leave Tony in the hospital, but Mom arrived early in the morning, before Tony was even awake, with the most adorable new outfit for me, and I simply couldn’t resist. Johnny would be flying in today and I was excited about that, so when I tried to explain to Tony he had simply waved me off, saying “Hey, man, I gotta stay here and take care of Ben. You go meet your brother, an’ I’ll see ya tonight.”

What I didn’t know was that Dr. Reynolds and Josh had arrived at the hospital just minutes after we had left to pick up Tony. He didn’t know anything about it either, but when we arrived home there was a very large surprise waiting. Dad had announced he had to stop for gas, then he had to stop by the computer store to get something he’d forgot last night, then there was bread and milk to pick up. I was really beginning to think we’d never get home before I had to go back, but finally he said he was all done and heading for home. As we rounded the corner of our street, I noticed all the cars parked at the curb, and then I smelled the aroma of ribs on the grille, and I knew he had delayed getting home on purpose.

When we got out of the van and walked into the backyard, there were Dr. Reynolds (well, Uncle Robert as he insisted I call him when he was not working), Aunt Karen, Amanda and Josh, Tony and a pretty little black girl that I knew had to be Marcy, Aunt Julia and Gail, and Adam and his mother. There was also someone standing in front of the grille, his back to me, in a Naval officer’s uniform. “Johnny!” I screamed as I bolted through the gate and threw myself into his waiting arms.

“Christine!” he exclaimed as he tried to regain his balance. “Where ya been, girl? I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.”
“Johnny!” I exclaimed over and over, my eyes flooding with tears. “I’m so glad you came. I was so afraid you wouldn’t make it...”
“Now why wouldn’t I make it?” he said as he held me so tight in his strong arms - arms I had never had and never would. Then he suddenly let go of me and I slipped to the ground, landing on my feet. As I slid down his beautiful hard masculine body I could sense it tensing, and I knew instinctively that he was now facing our father. The last time he’d been home Johnny and Dad had parted on less than the best of terms - a lot less.

I stood and backed away two steps, hoping that somehow there wouldn’t be a scene. “Hi, Dad,” Johnny said as he held out his hand. “Thanks for bringing Christine home today.”
“Johnny, son, it’s good to see you,” Dad said. He raised his hand tentatively to take Johnny’s, and then before their hands touched they were embracing. “Oh God how I’ve missed you!” Dad whispered as they both shed an ample amount of tears. “I’m so sorry, son. Please, let’s not fight any more.”
“Are you kidding?” Johnny said as he pushed our father away from him and looked him in the eye. “I’ll never fight with you again, sir. If I haven’t learned anything else in the Navy I’ve learned it’s a stupid man who gets into a fight he knows he can’t win. I love you, Dad.”

Well, I thought all the surprises were over for the day. Boy, was I wrong! “By the way, I understand congratulations are in order,” Johnny said as he tended the ribs and chicken on the grill. “Your new son and daughter are absolutely adorable.”

“New son and daughter?” I questioned.
“Well, once more you’ve spoiled my plan, Johnny,” Dad said with a wide grin. “On the other hand, everyone else knows so I guess it’s time you knew too, Christine. Tony, Marcy, come here please. I think it’s time you met your sister.”
“HUH?” I said, totally stunned.

“We shoulda told you,” Mom said. “But I couldn’t resist having a surprise for you. Your father and I have adopted Tony and Marcy.”
“But how...” I stammered. “I thought...
“I thought you’d be pleased,” Dad said. “You and Tony seemed to hit it off so well.”
“I am pleased, Dad,” I said as I recovered. “But what about Tony and Marcy? How did you get them away from their mom?”
“It’s a very long story,” Dad said. “When it became obvious that we were closing in on them and I made it very clear that I was going to bring criminal charges they agreed to sign over all parental rights, and then they skipped town. We have no idea where they went, but they’re gone.”

“Hi, sis,” Tony said as he came running up, his characteristic smile well in place. “You wanna meet Marcy?”
“You knew, didn’t you, ya little runt?” I said. Tony didn’t answer, he didn’t have to as his little black face brightened with that electric mesmerizing grin of his. “Mama told me not to tell,” he said. “She told me you like surprises.”
“I’ll get ya for that, Tony,” I exclaimed as I hugged him, then his... OUR sister.
“Never happen,” Tony grinned. “I don’t fight with girls.”

We had a great Sunday. Of course there was a bit of a shadow over Tony and me because our doctor was there and we weren’t allowed to eat very much - only two pieces of chicken, and even that was pushing the envelope. But it was great just the same, being out of the hospital, being all together, and best of all, getting to know Marcy who turned out to be a female version of Tony: bright and cheerful, full of fun, always ready with an electrifying grin that melted the hearts of any and all.

To be continued...