© Justin Cumberland 2007

Chapter Seventeen

During the ad break they took him to see the surgeon. The guy looked at Jason’s penis and shook his head. ‘Did it make it better?’ the surgeon asked.

‘Yes,’ Jason said.

‘I can give you another one if you like.’

‘Another one?’

The surgeon picked up a syringe and held it in front of Jason’s eyes. ‘This’ll really pick you up.’ Without any more ado he leant forward and injected the syringe into Jason’s shoulder.

Suddenly, Jason understood.

From that point forward everything suddenly got better. His head cleared. He became aware of things around him, he was steady on his feet and able to reason clearly again. What had happened out there was a bit of blur, but he understood now that the surgeon had prepared him for the possibility of a hit by giving him an injection which had both calmed him and dulled his senses. It was, he realized, a drug. It had been done out of kindness; and out of all the people who helped him that day, Jason often thought later, it was the surgeon who was the kindest and most genuine – and he was a foreigner!

‘Here, hop off the table,’ the surgeon said. ‘You can have this if you like.’

He unhooked a robe from the back of the door and handed it to Jason.

It was green – a dark green, and it was totally devoid of pattern or ornamentation of any kind, except for the inclusion of a manly J embroidered on the left breast – and, as it turned out, the surgeon had put that there himself.

‘I’m good with a needle,’ he said, nodding at the J.

Jason took the robe and put it on. They had taken the tank-top and the sandals off him before bringing him in here; and, for the first time that morning, as he tied the belt around his waist, he felt fully clothed. He pushed his lips together and smiled at the surgeon.

‘Well, I suppose you’d better be going.’

Jason nodded his head and, as he walked away, the surgeon leant forward, smacking Jason playfully on the arse.

Jason closed the door behind him only to see Todd, who was standing in the hall, leaning against one wall, smoking a cigarette and reading from a sheet of papers. Apparently, he had been waiting for Jason. He smiled at Jason and dropped the cigarette on the floor, extinguishing it with the sole of his sandal. For some reason he was still dressed in his tank-top, although they had, almost immediately, taken Jason’s tank-top and sandals away from him.

‘Hey,’ Todd said, raising his eyebrows. ‘I’m learning my lines.’

‘Hey,’ Jason said.

‘Come in here,’ Todd said, turning around and opening a door which was behind him. He pulled the door outward into the corridor.

Jason walked forward and through the door, realizing as he did so that it was the door to the broom closet – the same closet from which the surgeon had surprised him earlier. It was dark inside but, as Todd stepped in behind him, the boy reached forward, over Jason’s head, pulling at a string and igniting the single globe which hung suspended from the ceiling. It was bright, but as it lit up the closet, Jason was surprised at how big it was inside. It was like a small bedroom, and did, in fact, have a small day-bed along one wall. On the back wall there was a large painting of a rainforest scene on Perspex, back-lit with a fluorescent tube. Opposite the bed there was a row of shelves packed with cleaning gear.

Todd sat down on the bed and took Jason’s hand, pulling him down so that he was sitting beside him. He turned his head toward Jason and smiled.

‘You look good in that,’ Todd said, moving his eyes up and down Jason’s robe. He lifted his chin up and smiled again, looking into Jason’s eyes. ‘Where did you get it?’

Jason nodded his head sideways, indicating the surgery which must have been on the other side of the wall. ‘He gave it to me,’ Jason said.

‘The surgeon?’

Jason nodded.

Todd threw his head back and rolled his eyes up in his head.

‘What?’ Jason said.

‘Nothing. It’s just…don’t worry about it.’

‘Don’t you like him?’

‘Like him?’ Todd looked at the floor and shook his head slowly as though Jason had said something really stupid. There was a moment of silence. Todd turned around and looked at the door. He seemed to be watching it, as though, at any moment, he expected it to open. That didn’t happen and Jason waited, wondering what Todd could be thinking. He watched the boy’s back as he took a deep breath and expelled it before turning back to Jason. ‘Can I have a look?’ Todd said, nodding at Jason’s crotch. He smiled.

Jason frowned. He didn’t know what Todd meant at first. He had forgotten the injury he had suffered out on stage. He hadn’t actually looked at his dick himself since he had fallen onto the floor and Andy had helped him. Somehow he had forgotten all about it even though he could feel a constant buzzing and had sat in the surgery naked while the surgeon had commented on it. Jason frowned again. How could he have done that? How could he have sat there, naked, unconscious of his dick which had just sustained an injury, seemingly unconcerned about it. The explanation, of course, was the injection the surgeon had given him along with the attention Andy had paid him. Everything felt fine.

He stood up and looked down at his erection which forced the soft material of the gown forward. It was strained around it like a tent. He didn’t understand how he hadn’t noticed it when he put the gown on. He had tied the cords underneath it. And, if anything, it was bigger than it had ever been, seeming, if not any longer, to have substantially more girth. Jason put his hands on the cord and started to untie it.

Suddenly, Todd jumped up and clasped his hands around Jason’s gently, stopping him from untying the cord. ‘Can I do it?’ Todd said.

Jason moved his hands out and held them away from his sides. Gingerly, Todd started to untie the cord as though he was opening something valuable. He untied the knot and let the cords go so that they dropped toward the floor. He stretched his thumbs out, inserting them inside the lapels of the gown and then slowly he drew the gown apart.

‘Oh fuck! Oh man!’ He opened his mouth in wonder and smiled at the same time. He guffawed. Jason watched his face. He was afraid to look down and could only watch Todd as the boy looked up and made eye-contact with Jason. His expression intensified excitedly as he looked into Jason’s eyes, open-mouthed and smiling. They stared at each other as Todd, absent-mindedly, pulled the gown wider apart. Without looking down, Jason took the sides of the gown from the boy and opened it wider, pulling the sides backwards and holding them against his hips.

Todd obviously wanted to look down again but he seemed to be making himself wait. He swallowed and closed his mouth, still smiling at Jason. His eyes seemed to bug out of his head a bit as he looked into Jason’s eyes. And then he turned his head down again. ‘Oarr! Fucking hell, man! Can’t you feel anything?’

Jason shook his head and stared at the top of Todd’s hair.

The boy seemed frozen. Jason stared at the top of his blond hair. He wondered, vaguely, what Todd was making such a fuss of. He supposed it would be a bit red. He hadn’t really made the connection with the fact that it had suffered exactly the same type of hit that his balls had first thing that morning – in the original saddle round.

Todd let out another guffaw and looked up at Jason quickly, ‘Can I touch it?’ he said.

Jason nodded his head, not thinking about what this might mean.

Todd turned his head down and reached out a hand. Jason’s eyes followed him. He frowned. He looked down and said to himself, what’s that? He didn’t know and it confused him. He understood, dimly, that it was where his dick should be; but it wasn’t his dick. It was much too large; and it was oddly shaped. It looked like a beehive on the branch of a tree.

As Jason made the connection, and realized that the ‘beehive’ was that third of his dick which had been compressed by the mallets, he felt his eyes opening wide. He stared in disbelief. He felt sick in the guts. Something terrible had happened. It didn’t look right and Jason didn’t understand how it could ever possibly look right again. He felt his chin suck inwards. It began to quiver. Tears started to form in his eyes and he could only watch in disbelief as Todd reached a hand forward and touched the swollen head carefully, with the tips of his fingers.

Quickly, he drew his hand back and looked up at Jason. He expelled his breath in a sudden burst, rounding his mouth and forcing the breath out with a hard ‘Ho!’ smiling at the same time.

He looked down again, excited. He obviously hadn’t seen the expression on Jason’s face, or realized that Jason had started to cry.

Todd opened his hand wide. He made a grasping C shape and stretched his hand forward, opening it over Jason’s swollen head. He closed the claw carefully, squeezing the swollen flesh between the tips of his fingers.

Jason felt his arse pull backwards as his groin collapsed in a bit.

‘Does it hurt?’ Todd said, as though he knew the answer and knew that it was yes.

It did hurt but Jason was too upset to answer him. He wasn’t thinking clearly and didn’t really understand why the boy was so excited.

Todd reached out with his other hand and began to feel Jason’s dick with that also, making a second claw and squeezing along Jason’s length, paying particular attention to the area where the swelling started, feeling the difference between the place where Jason’s dick was simply erect, and the place where it began to bulge outwards.

‘It’s not even purple,’ Todd said.

Jason winced and, as he did so, a tear-drop fell from one eye, landing on the back of Todd’s hand.

Todd looked up at Jason and smiled. He didn’t move his hands but kept squeezing, even increasing the pressure a bit. ‘I’m hurting you – eh?’ he said.

Jason shook his head and blinked the tears away. It did hurt but ‘it’s not that,’ he said.

Todd pulled his hands away. He was disappointed. He frowned. ‘What’s up, then?’ he said. ‘Are you upset about it?’

Jason shrugged his shoulders, letting go of the sides of the robe so that they fell back across his chest, leaving his dick sticking out of the gap.

‘Take it off,’ Todd said, grabbing a side of the robe and tugging on it.

Jason ducked one shoulder and turned as Todd pulled the robe, slipping it down Jason’s back to reveal his shoulder blades and letting it fall over the curve of Jason’s butt. He dragged the robe toward him, flicking it underarm into a corner of the room.

‘Don’t you want to lie down?’

Jason jerked his head back a bit. The idea hadn’t occurred to him. It would be good to lie down, though. He looked at the bed. It was clean and had been carefully made with crisp white sheets and a gray, utilitarian, but very clean blanket. There was no coverlet, which made Jason baulk a bit. He didn’t like the feel of wool against his back. It was scratchy.

Todd put one hand on Jason’s shoulder and gently pushed him, aiming him at the bed.

Jason took an uncertain step; and then he decided. He got onto the bed and lay on his back. He felt the scratchy wool against his skin and decided to get right into the bed. He got up and pulled the covers back, climbing in again so he was between the sheets. They were cool and crisp and clean. He smiled.

Todd had moved to the corner of the room to get a chair and, when he turned around, he was surprised to see that Jason had gotten into the bed.

‘He’s not gonna like that,’ Todd said, walking forward with the chair.

‘Really?’

Todd shook his head.

Jason decided he would have to get up again. He remade the bed as best he could and lay down once again on the top of it, deciding to forget about the scratchiness of the blanket. He didn’t have to let it worry him.

Todd swung the chair to the side of the bed and sat on it, looking up and down along the length of Jason’s body.

‘Maybe you should pull out,’ Todd said, catching Jason in the eye.

‘I can’t,’ Jason said. He had stopped weeping. He wasn’t going to cry in front of a kid.

‘They might let you – if you asked them.’

‘They wouldn’t – and anyway it’s not that. I can’t pull out. I know that. Not at the moment. But I can’t anyway. It would be stupid. I don’t want to. I mean, I have to go on.’

‘Do you want to?’

‘Of course,’ Jason said.

‘Are you enjoying it?’

‘I’m going to win.’

‘Win?’ Todd paused. ‘How are you going to win?’

‘I’m gonna – I don’t know…’ Jason said. ‘I just will.’

‘I don’t think so. I mean, I hope not.’

‘Of course,’ Jason said.

‘I mean, I’d like to see you get the money. I wouldn’t care about that.’

‘But if I end up with the money…’

‘Well – that’d mean you won’t be getting wasted any worse.’

‘Which means that you…’ Jason stopped, ‘will be,’ he added quietly.

‘Me?’ Todd said. ‘I’m not getting my gear wasted.’ He moved his hands down quickly and cupped them over his groin. In the last few moments he had lost his erection and he could easily protect his kit with his hands. He was just a kid and, sitting there with his blond hair in the red tank-top with ‘TODD’ splashed across it, sitting on a wooden chair and wearing a pair of sandals, sitting there and looking at Jason with his dark eyes and a mock expression of pain and concern, he looked sweet and innocent; and, Jason thought, it was a horrible shame that the people who ran the show had been mean enough to put him in the position he was in.

‘You can’t avoid it, Todd. It’s going to happen. It happened to me.’

‘Yeah – but that was my fault. I’m not going to do it to myself.’

‘You’re not in control. You can’t make things happen.’

‘But I did – I mean…I did the worst thing. I gave you that box.’

‘You didn’t do anything, Todd. You’re on a game show, for fuck’s sake. You can’t control what happens. You’re putting your gear at risk – it’s as much at risk as mine is – if not more.’

Todd laughed. ‘I don’t think so,’ he said. He took his hands away from his groin and spread his arms and legs apart. ‘It looks fine to me.’

‘Yeah, Todd, it looks fine now but it is at risk. Why wouldn’t it be? You think there’s something special about you?’

‘I’m a kid,’ Todd said. ‘I’m not even a contestant.’

‘Of course you’re a contestant. How could you not be a contestant?’

‘I’m only thirteen.’

‘So?’

‘Well, you can’t be a contestant until you’re eighteen.’

‘But you’re here. You’re on the show.’

Todd shrugged his shoulders.

‘Do they know you’re not eighteen?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Didn’t they ask you about it?’

‘Yeah. Of course. I had some fake I.D. Eric got it.’

‘What? And they bought it?’

‘I don’t know. I doubt it. They never said anything but I’m pretty sure they know.’

‘Well, it’s pretty obvious.’

Todd smiled. ‘That’s the joke.’

‘The joke? What sort of a joke is it, Todd? You think it’s funny now – but you’re not gonna think so when…Why the fuck did they let you on here?’

‘I don’t know. They said no – a few weeks ago.’

‘So what – they changed their minds?’

Todd shrugged his shoulders. ‘They texted me. “Please come in on Saturday,” they said.’

‘Saturday? It’s Monday, Todd.’

‘Yeah, but this was on Friday. We had to have a meeting. On Saturday.’

‘A meeting? What was the fucking meeting about?’

‘You,’ Todd said.

‘Me?’

‘Yeah. They said they had a guy coming in on Monday and they wanted me to come on with him.’

They’d told him. How could they possibly have told him? What had they done to convince him he’d be safe when they’d told him? ‘What did they say about me?’

‘I don’t know – they told me you that you knew you would win. They said you didn’t have any doubts about it. But they didn’t show me a photo or anything. They should have showed me a photo. I didn’t even know who they meant until this morning.’

‘Well, how do you know it’s me?’

‘It’s pretty obvious.’

Jason felt sick. Todd knew. He could tell from the way he looked that Jason was the one who was getting special treatment. They had actually told the kid – and yet, still, somehow, he seemed to think it didn’t matter. He seemed to think he could come on the show and go through the ordeal with the other contestants without any danger to himself. He seemed to think he could somehow escape unscathed while Jason was there beside him, in the competition – thinking he could win while another contestant had everything planned out for him. It just didn’t make sense. What had they possibly said to convince him?

‘Weren’t you worried about yourself?’

‘Me? Yeah – a bit, at first. I’d never really thought about coming on the show properly. I’d never really sat down and thought about what it meant. I’d just thought it’d be fun. I really wanted to waste some guys – play around – you know what I mean. But, whenever I imagined it, it was always me who ended up winning. And then – when I came in on Saturday I started to think about how I could lose. I started to get worried. I suddenly realized that I’d be putting all that at stake.’ He looked down at his groin, and staring at it, said, ‘And – oh man! – there’s no way I want to get my balls blasted! I’m only thirteen.’

He looked up at Jason and smiled.

‘It’s not that bad,’ Jason said.

Todd started to laugh a bit but stopped himself. He swallowed. And turned to look at the door again.

‘You know, it’s probably going to happen, Todd.’

‘No way,’ Todd said, still looking absent-mindedly at the door. ‘They said not to worry about it.’ He turned back to Jason. ‘They said it wouldn’t happen to me – no matter what.’

‘And you believed them?’

‘Well, not at first. When we first got here I started feeling really sick in the stomach and I was gonna just pull out and go back home but Eric said to just listen to what they had to say because it would be pretty stupid to ride all that way back home again when it had taken us fucking hours to ride all the way here in the first place. My legs were caning, so I said, whatever. They gave us some coffee and I vomited it up. I felt all weak and soft between the legs and I was thinking “there’s no way I can fucking well do this.” I was gonna leave but then the production guy came in and they started talking to me about how things would probably turn out today. They said they couldn’t guarantee anything about exactly what would happen – and obviously, they said I could play as much part in it as I wanted to. I mean, they wanted me to – do whatever. They explained to me about you. They didn’t tell me who you were or anything – they just said there would be a football jock on the show. If they’d showed me a photo I would’ve just done it straightaway.’

‘Done what?’

‘Come on the show.’

‘But you came on after they’d told you about me.’

‘Yeah – that’s what decided me. I mean they talked about you and convinced me how good it would be to be on the show with you but if they’d just showed me a photo I would’ve said yes straightaway. I don’t think I could’ve stopped myself. I mean, it just wasn’t the same when they were telling me about you. I was thinking yeah, it’d be okay, being on the show with a guy like that’d be fun; but still, I didn’t really trust them. I didn’t see how it would work. I didn’t think that you’d be so good. I didn’t think you’d be so – gullible.’

[Frame: Recall distortion.]

‘Gullible?’ Jason didn’t want to be sure if he knew what that meant.

‘Yeah, your friend said it but I just didn’t think—’

‘My friend?’

‘Your buddy.’

‘Garth?’

‘Yeah, he said you were the most trusting guy I’d ever meet. He said that it – that you – were fucking beautiful.’

‘He said that?’

‘Yeah – he kept going on about it. He told me all about your face and your dick and your abs and everything. He said that you were pure. He said you made the best of everything no matter what. He said you were really kind. I thought he was a fucking fruit.’

A fruit? ‘When did you speak to him?’

‘Here,’ Todd said. ‘At the studio. Saturday. I’m telling you about it.’

‘What was he doing here?’

‘I don’t know. Helping set things up.’

‘What? The equipment?’

‘No – the production stuff. He was talking to the producer.’

The producer! Why would he be talking to the producer? Of course! Jason felt ashamed. He had been setting things up, like Todd had said. He had been making it safe for Jason; but he had somehow, by building Jason up into some hero figure, helped to convince Todd to come on the show, just so he could be with Jason. It didn’t seem right; but, he supposed, Garth had had Jason’s best interests at heart; and in his own hard way he had failed to consider Todd, thinking perhaps that Todd was exactly the sort of person Jason wanted to waste. He didn’t. In fact, he felt differently now about Busted. He didn’t want to waste anyone. And he wondered how he had become so excited about the whole thing over the past few weeks.

It felt wrong to think that Garth had gone to all this trouble when it wasn’t what Jason wanted at all. The effort involved! And to think, at one time, he had doubted Garth when Garth had told him about Busted and how easy it would be. To think Jason had been so belligerent about it when Garth had made sure – actually coming in and talking to the producer – well it made Jason sick with shame.

He knew Garth was a friend but he had never really realized how good a friend. The guy had always tried to do something special for his birthday and now, once again, he had made an effort – a big effort – to ensure his friend’s safety by actually coming in and speaking to the producer!

‘Did you hear what he said?’ Jason asked. ‘When he was talking to the producer?’

‘No.’

‘Did you get to speak to the producer?’

‘Well of course I did,’ Todd said. ‘I wasn’t going to come on without speaking to him.’

‘What’d he say to you?’

‘He said I’d be safe. He said he’d guarantee it.’

Guarantee it? What sort of a world were they living in? Jason wondered. What sort of a person was this producer? Someone who would lie to a thirteen year old kid? And all for the sake of a show? All for the sake of ratings? Had all responsible adults disappeared from the face of the Earth?

‘Is that all he said?’

‘Pretty much – I mean, they showed us around the studio and he was there. He didn’t really say much. I asked him what sort of games we’d be playing but he said I’d just have to wait and see. I wasn’t happy about that and I… Anyway, he told me to relax about the whole thing – just have fun and enjoy yourself, he said.’

‘And you think he meant it?’

‘Sure he did.’

‘You think that’s possible?’

‘Of course it is. I mean – fuck, man! I’m having the time of my life!’

That, at least, was some comfort. Everything, as it stood, was fine for Todd. He had been lulled into a false sense of security but wasn’t, at least, for the moment, aware of how he’d been used. If he could be kept safe then Jason might feel better about the whole thing. It was, after all, Jason who was responsible for the position Todd was in. If Jason wasn’t on the show then Todd really would have a chance of winning. As it stood, all Jason could do was make sure the kid suffered the least possible damage, even if Jason had to take another hit himself. He owed the kid that much.

‘You know, Todd,’ he said. ‘If it comes right down to it and you’re in any danger – I mean – any real danger of getting badly fucked up. Don’t think I wouldn’t take another blow for you. I mean, if we’re in competition somehow – and if it’s a case of simply hurting me – so that you save your own balls. Just do it. Don’t think twice about it. I’m going to win anyway. I’m not going to lose my dick. There’s no scenario where that will happen.’

‘Really?’

‘Of course,’ Jason said.

‘You’d let me hurt you if it meant saving myself – and you wouldn’t feel bad about it afterwards?’

‘Yes.’

‘Wow! Thanks,’ he said.

He seemed relieved. Perhaps he really was worried despite the bravado – seeming to be okay about the position they’d put him in, but afraid, naturally, that it wasn’t okay – looking for reassurance that it was alright to be where he was, doing what he was doing. It wasn’t. It couldn’t possibly be.

‘You know,’ Todd said, ‘if you like, I could do something about that.’ He nodded at Jason’s swollen dick.

‘What?’

‘I don’t know. Rub something into it. Get the swelling to go down. Do something about the pain.’

‘There’s not really any pain.’

‘Yeah? Well,’ Todd said. ‘I could fix it so…’

‘If you want. I don’t think it’ll do any good.’

‘Well, I can try,’ Todd said. ‘I might stuff it up – but, well, if there’s not any pain. I mean, how much more damage do you think I could do?’

‘I suppose you’re right,’ Jason said. He didn’t think there was much the kid could do to hurt it and he was, at least, trying to help.

‘I’ll clean it up,’ Todd said. He smiled and got up off the chair. ‘There’s probably something here.’ He looked along the shelves on the other side of the room. He seemed to be considering – looking carefully at a whole lot of bottles and containers that were arraigned there. Suddenly, he stopped and changed his mind about the whole thing. He turned around uncertainly, looking at the ground. He slapped his palms against the sides of his thighs and then looked at Jason on the bed. ‘Yeah,’ he said. He turned back and made a decision quickly, picking up a bottle that he had stared at for some time. He held it up and read the label slowly. ‘Disinfectant. Hospital grade.’ He looked at Jason and smiled. ‘That’s cleaning stuff, eh?’ he said.

‘I think so,’ Jason said. It sounded medical. Perhaps it was for wounds.

Todd looked along the shelves for a clean rag but said, ‘I can’t find one anywhere. I’ll just do it with my hands, Jase.’ He stepped over and got on the bed, straddling Jason’s legs and sitting down on his thighs. ‘This’ll be okay.’ He tipped the bottle up, pouring the liquid over Jason’s swollen head and letting it run down the sides, trying to gather it with the one hand which he had cupped around the base of Jason’s cock. Jason felt it slide along the underside of his dick, along the base where his balls had been. It flowed down into his arse.

Todd was using far too much, emptying the entire bottle and starting to rub with the one hand, smoothing the liquid all around Jason’s groin, between his legs and up and down his length. It was flowing down onto the bed and wetting it but Jason didn’t want to say to Todd to stop. The kid was trying to help and Jason put his head back on the pillow, closing his eyes and enjoying the feel of the cool liquid which was soothing, particularly as Todd had started to gently caress his length with both hands now, having finished the bottle and let it fall, empty, onto the bed beside Jason.

It felt good. There was some tenderness; but Todd was being very gentle and Jason had just thought it probably would do some good and might even get the swelling to go down a bit when his eyes suddenly opened wide and he felt his thighs starting to quiver underneath Todd’s weight. He stared at Todd bug-eyed. He opened his mouth but couldn’t speak.

Todd smiled uncertainly. ‘Is it okay?’ he said. He looked at Jason but kept rubbing, thinking, obviously, that Jason’s reaction was to pleasure.

It was, in fact, to pain. There was a sudden burning sensation all along the length of Jason’s dick, flowing down along the base of it and into his arsehole. He lifted his arms, elbows locked, and started slapping his outstretched hands on the blanket before reaching up and slapping Todd’s thighs. The kid was hurting him.

Todd stopped rubbing and took his hands away. ‘Does it hurt?’ he said.

‘It’s burning,’ Jason managed, suddenly finding his voice. And then the burning subsided just as quickly as it had begun. ‘Oh, it’s okay now,’ Jason said.

Todd frowned. He looked disappointed. He sighed and rested his hands loosely on his thighs. ‘They’ve really got it worked out, haven’t they?’ he said.

‘What do you mean?’

‘All the shit they give you – the pain blockers – all the other crap. It makes it possible for you to go on, sure, but…’

‘What?’ Jason said.

‘It’s not good,’ Todd said. ‘It’s like a bad joke. He makes it possible for you to suffer anything and still want to go on. If you could feel it – everything you’d been through. If you could feel it all at once and know what you’ve suffered then you’d probably feel differently about it. I mean – you know what’s happened, sure; but he’s given you so much shit – changed things so that they seem okay to you – and it just doesn’t really hit home, does it?’

‘Who’s he?

‘The producer.’

‘Do you think he does it on purpose – so people’ll just keep going?’

‘Of course,’ Todd said.

‘Maybe he’s trying to be kind.’

‘Kind? How could it be kind? It’s just not honest. It’s not fair. I mean, if someone’s in a difficult situation then you should do everything you can to make them aware of it. Sure, if they don’t listen – if they can’t see what’s happening to them, well, there’s nothing you can really do about it but go on playing your part. To hide it from someone – to deceive them…’

‘You think it’s cruel.’

‘Of course it’s cruel. What could be crueler than dishonesty?’

‘I can’t give up, Todd. It’s against the rules.’

‘You would though,’ Todd said. ‘You’d break the rules. You’d just get out of here. You wouldn’t care about the rules because there’s only so much you can take – and to change things so you end up taking more than you can take, hiding it so you don’t even know if you’ve taken more than you can take – well, it’s just not fair.’

‘I can’t really do anything about it, can I?’

‘I can,’ Todd said. ‘I can show you the pain.’

‘How?’

‘Do you think he’s still next door,’ Todd said, nodding his head sideways at the wall of the surgery.

Jason shrugged his shoulders.

‘Hang on a minute.’ Todd got off the bed and left the room.

When Todd returned, Jason had fallen asleep. He had got under the covers because the scratchiness of the blanket had started to annoy him; and, between the clean, crisp sheets, he had fallen asleep. As he slept he had heard the sound of glass breaking in the surgery beyond the wall; but he heard it dimly, in a torpor, before falling deeper into his fugue.

‘You’re in there again!’ Todd said, suddenly waking Jason as he came back into the room.

‘The blanket’s scratchy.’

Todd rolled his eyes backward. ‘Just get out of there. He won’t like it if he finds out.’

‘Look what I got,’ Todd said. He pulled three syringes out from behind his back where he had been concealing them.

Jason raised his eyebrows and got out of the bed. ‘Fuck!’ he said. ‘Now I have to make the bloody thing again.’

‘Just do it,’ Todd said. ‘And hurry up. We’re running out of time.’

Jason pulled the sheets up and started smoothing them. He felt stupid doing this. He was naked. His dick looked ridiculous; and he was starting to feel despondent about it again – embarrassed about it because he thought Todd couldn’t possibly like the look of it despite his reaction when he had first seen it. It was ugly and Jason was trying to hide it, turning away from Todd as he made the bed, trying to conceal the beehive with his body, while, all the time, Todd was trying to look at it. ‘I got one for the swelling,’ he suddenly said.

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. I thought. I mean – I want to try something if it’s okay with you.’

‘I thought you were going to do something about the pain.’

‘Yeah, yeah, I got that too – and one for me.’ Todd put the syringes onto the bed. Jason had finished making it and he decided not to worry about his appearance anymore. Todd was going to do something about it. The kid liked him – and, really, from the way he kept looking, it was obvious he liked the look of Jason despite the fact that he was injured.

There were three different liquids in the syringes – an orange, a green, and an angry red which looked far too bright to be natural.

‘Which one’s for the swelling,’ Jason said.

‘The orange one,’ Todd said as though it was obvious. ‘Didn’t he give you one for it already?’ Todd motioned at the wall.

‘No,’ Jason said.

‘Well that explains it!’ Todd said. ‘No wonder it hasn’t gone down!’

‘Will it make it do that?’

‘Sure,’ Todd said. ‘It’s an anti-inflammatory.’

‘I didn’t get one before either – for my balls.’

‘Oh – that was my fault,’ Todd said. ‘I told him not to give it to you.’ He paused for a moment, holding the needle to the light. ‘Oh fuck!’ He said. ‘He’s so stupid. That’s why he—’

‘You told him.’

‘Of course,’ Todd said, lowering the needle and looking at Jason. ‘How else would they have got so big. I mean – I wanted to see how big I could get them.’ He laughed. ‘I just thought it’d make Blast-Off better – and, oh, fuck man…’

Jason shook his head. ‘You told him not to give it to me?’

‘I said that,’ he frowned at Jason. ‘I don’t know what you’re so upset about. It did make it better. And if I hadn’t gone in there after the saddle round—’

‘The saddle round – oh, this is bullshit, Todd! You didn’t know then. You didn’t know what was going to happen.’

‘Of course I knew. Blast-Off was the only thing that was set-up. It was the one game I really wanted to play. I knew we were going to play it. I made sure of it. If they hadn’t said yes then I might never have agreed to come on the show. I said they had to let me and they had to let me choose who I wanted to. I didn’t know I was gonna choose you until I saw you this morning. I took your robe off and looked at your arse. It was fucking beautiful! You’re fucking beautiful, Jase! I tapped you on the shoulder and you smiled. You said thanks. And I thought, oh fuck, I really want to choose him. I got hard at the thought of it.’

‘That’s bullshit, Todd. You didn’t know. You’re making the fucking thing up.’

Todd expelled his breath and shook his head. He stared at Jason, hardening his face. ‘You know, Jase, you just don’t wanna hear it, do you? I keep telling you all this shit and you’re just not going to listen no matter what I fucking say. I gave you the fucking box! I knew what was in it.’

[Frame: Cognitive distortion.]

Todd was just a kid, over-excited, trying to claim credit for something he couldn’t possibly have done.

‘Here, sit down on the bed,’ Todd said. ‘I’m going to play doctor.’ He put a gentle hand onto Jason’s chest and pushed him backwards. Todd knelt on the floor, moving between Jason’s knees and splaying his elbows out so that they rested on Jason’s thighs. He held the needle in one hand like it was a cigar, looking at it through the light, cocking his head to one side as he watched the swirling opacity of the liquid in the glass. He smiled, unconscious of Jason, and then got up onto his knees and shuffled closer. He put the syringe in his right hand like a dart, and taking Jason with his left hand, he jabbed it suddenly into the underside of Jason’s cock, a sharp thrust, perhaps a finger-width from the head.

‘You think that’d fucking teach you,’ Todd said.

Jason screamed. Of all the pain he felt that day, this was the cruelest – the most intense. Todd had sunk the needle deeply and suddenly, as though he wanted to hurt Jason. He was angry, Jason supposed, because they had had an argument; and the boy held Jason rigidly, determinedly plunging the contents of the needle, grim faced, digging his elbows into Jason’s thighs.

Jason closed his eyes and threw his head back. He flopped backwards onto the bed as Todd removed the needle, hitting his head on the wall and allowing it to slide till his chin was resting on his chest. He kept his eyes closed and tried not to weep. Todd had been deliberately cruel. He was angry, obviously, and Jason had had enough.

If only he could go home. If only he had parents. If only such people existed in the world. He had hoped at one time, but knew, from the white-cold memory of years spent wandering an empty house, that such people didn’t exist. They were, if not entirely absent, then never seen and never heard from.

He took a deep breath and expelled it suddenly, letting out a sob. He felt his mouth crumple and he turned over to one side, wrapping his legs up so that he was like a foetus, waiting to go through it all again.

Time passed.

And then suddenly he felt Todd’s hand, touching his perineum, all along the place where his sack had once hung. Jason felt his breath catch and expand in his chest, hearing a sudden gasp and then he breathed out again as the boy cradled the place in the palm of his hand, and with his other hand, reached upwards, sliding a dry palm on skin till the hand lay flat between Jason’s shoulder blades. He felt Todd move, climb onto the bed and lay down. He felt him shuffle forward, shape his body into Jason’s, force Jason’s heels away with his knees so that he could slide down along the back of his thighs, locking his legs into his and laying down behind him.

He could feel the soft warmth of Todd’s genitals, pressed into the crack of his arse. He could feel Todd’s chest expand against his back as the boy breathed deeply and the pressure released, increased and released again while everything went still and quiet.

‘I’m sorry, Jase. I shouldn’t have done that.’

Jason pushed his head down but said nothing. He had already lost enough that day.

They waited in silence.

[Frame: Open.]

‘What time do you think it is?’ Jason said.

‘I don’t know. Getting close to nine. We should get ready because the door’ll open soon.’

Jason sat up, placing a hand on Todd’s ankle to steady himself.

‘Has it gone down any?’ Todd said, kneeling up behind him and putting his head over Jason’s shoulder.

Jason looked down and was surprised to see that he had somehow been miraculously restored to what he had been before the saddle round. The swelling had gone, and, though his dick was still erect, it was less bloated than it had been, and even, Jason felt, he might be able to get it to go down. On the tip of his penis there was a small red patch, the only mark from the accident he had suffered on the upright saddle.

‘It’s much better!’ Todd said.

Jason nodded his head and reached a hand forward as though it might burn him, touching quickly and bringing it gently away, not believing that what he could see was real.

Todd unfolded himself onto the edge of the bed, using Jason’s shoulder to support him. He locked his hands together between his knees, did not look at Jason, looked at the floor, but said, ‘Jase, can I get you to do something for me?’

‘What?’

Todd got up and lent over the bed. The other needles had fallen between the wall and the mattress and he had to put one knee up onto the bed so that he could reach them, pulling them out and tucking the blanket back down where he had displaced it.

‘Lie on your back.’

Jason shook his head.

Todd forced breath through his nostrils, suddenly disappointed, ‘I’m not gonna do anything.’

Jason said nothing.

‘I want you to fuck me, Jase.’

Todd lay face down on the bed while Jason injected the syringe into his hole. He was afraid – afraid that Jason would hurt him – afraid that Jason would be too big; and, as Jason later learned, this wasn’t something that Todd wanted to do at all. He was doing it for Jason. He was doing it because he thought Jason would enjoy it. He was doing it because he knew it was the last chance Jason was going to get, the only one he had ever had; but he didn’t want to, and he was afraid. It wasn’t the first time Todd had been fucked. He had been fucked before. He had been fucked many times. But he didn’t like it. If someone had asked him he might have liked it. But no one ever had.

He sat on Jason, straddling his legs, which had been his original plan, Jason later supposed – the reason why he had done it in the first place – the reason he had waited in the hall and pulled Jason in. But that was later, when he understood what Todd had done and why he had done it. And Todd asked Jason to stop. He asked him to but Jason couldn’t at that moment – didn’t, anyway. And as the expression on Todd’s face changed, said, ‘come on, Todd. Just hang on a minute,’ not stopping to pause but moving faster. Todd had become, by that time, a frozen statue of a crouching boy, tipped forward, pressed into the mattress. His legs out wide as though they could be bent up behind him like an unfolded fan.

When it was over, Todd got up quickly. He was leaning forward a bit, with his hands in front of him like he was a primate as he goose-stepped toward the shelves, grasping a pair of the surgeon’s orange coveralls and stepping into them quickly, doing up the zip until it was high around his neck, not bothering to cuff the legs or the sleeves which were far too long, pulling them up a bit, but just standing there, without looking at Jason, like he was alone in the room – like he was alone, anyway.

Jason waited. He didn’t want to look at Todd. He could see him; but he didn’t want to meet his eyes; and Todd was, anyway, looking at nothing. It wasn’t possible, at that moment, for Jason to see Todd; but eventually he had to say, in spite of himself, because guilt got the better of him, ‘What’s wrong, Todd?’

[Frame: Insert field.]

Todd moved. He crouched down in the corner and pulled the coveralls off. He put his hands behind him and stuck his fingers into his arsehole, working them around and around.

‘What are you doing, Todd?’

‘I’m getting the come out. I don’t want it in me.’

Jason watched as he worked his fingers around. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

‘I didn’t come.’

‘You did. I felt it.’ Todd pulled his fingers out and wiped them over his face, smearing the faeces over his nose and chin. He looked up at Jason, challenging him. ‘It won’t defile me,’ he said.

[Frame: Resolve field.]

When it was over, Todd got up quickly. He was leaning forward a bit, with his hands in front of him like he was a primate as he goose-stepped toward the shelves, grasping a pair of the surgeon’s orange coveralls and stepping into them quickly, doing up the zip until it was high around his neck, not bothering to cuff the legs or the sleeves which were far too long, pulling them up a bit, but just standing there, without looking at Jason, like he was alone in the room – like he was alone, anyway.

Jason waited. He didn’t want to look at Todd. He could see him; but he didn’t want to meet his eyes; and Todd was, anyway, looking at nothing. It wasn’t possible, at that moment, for Jason to see Todd; but eventually he had to say, in spite of himself, because guilt got the better of him, ‘What’s wrong, Todd?’

‘Wrong?’ Todd shook his head and then saw Jason. The boy’s eyes had retreated and they were wet. He had been slapped, apparently, with an open hand, or kicked, without deserving it.

Jason waited. He couldn’t keep looking at the boy so he looked at the floor instead. He felt angry – angry that Todd had to spoil it – angry that Todd had to be upset, because really, he had done nothing wrong. He had just, well…

‘You’re just the fucking same,’ Todd said with a sudden sob. ‘You’re just the fucking same as the rest of them.’

Jason did nothing. He didn’t really know what Todd was talking about. He thought he probably knew, but didn’t want to believe that he was sure. He couldn’t really, at that moment, move to a position where he knew that that was true.

‘What, Todd?’ He said, hearing his voice, knowing that it was meaningless, that he was dissembling.

‘You fucking well raped me!’ And then, a moment or so later: ‘You fucking well one-timed me, cunt.’ And again. ‘Can’t you think of anyone but your fucking self? You don’t know fucking well how, do you.’

[Frame: Temporal extension.]

Time seemed to stretch into an eternity.

A few days ago, Jason would not have been culpable. A few days ago, he was a child. A few days ago, in this state, he would have been under the legal age, and they would have been two children together. So, he reasoned. He didn’t really understand. He didn’t really know what Todd was upset about. He didn’t really know that it wasn’t the act so much as it’s continuance, beyond consent, that had upset Todd. And this was probably, because he sensed somehow, must have – only knowing later – that Todd hadn’t wanted to do the thing at all; but had lied, for him.

Nothing was crueler than dishonesty.

[Frame: Temporal extension.]

Jason realized he was trapped. Time was without sense.

‘I feel like I’ve been here forever. I feel like a fucking prisoner. I feel like I’m in a fucking prison!’

‘You are.’

He looked up suddenly, surprised that Todd had spoken, surprised at his tone.

He had to blink his eyes because the room suddenly resolved itself. The bright fluorescent light flickered into life; and the room became something it had never been. There was a long low bench along the wall where the shelves had stood. There was a small television, a blue pin-board above it; and the chair which Todd had sat on, which he had brought from the corner of the room, was not a chair at all. It was a steel stool, fixed to a horizontal pole which was attached to a leg of the bench; and it swung on this leg, so that when Todd had gone to retrieve it, he had been swinging it in a circular, sideways arc, rotating it into the center of the room.

There were some shelves – at one end where the shelves had always been – and on these were some clothes, the orange coveralls, some socks, some underwear, a towel, spare sheets, a blanket – militarily folded. There was a toilet, shiny, steel, without a seat, fixed to the wall in the corner, a shower in the other – and between these, of course, the painting, which wasn’t a painting at all, but a window, barred, showing a distant scene of a harsh dry landscape where it had never rained, but where, somehow, things grew. There were some narrow, struggling trees, some dry grass. It was still a forest but not a forest like any Jason had ever seen. The sun was harsh and bright and it slashed amongst the trees, cutting bleached sections out and reflecting them back at Jason. It was some other place, some other country.

It wasn’t even America.

Jason stood up and looked out the window. It was winter, apparently. Despite the harsh sun there was a bitter, dry wind which tugged at the heads of the trees, splaying the spare branches and collapsing them alternately, turning them, twisting them.

It was beyond belief. He wasn’t even sure it was the Earth.

‘Where are we?’ he said.

‘It’s a prison.’

‘I feel like I’ve been here forever.’

‘We’re going to have to go soon.’

‘Can you get out?’

‘Soon.’

‘Aren’t we at the studios.’

‘Sure we are.’

‘Well, how come – what is this place?’

‘It’s a cell. It’s for the surgeon. He’s serving a sentence.’

‘A sentence?’

‘He’s a sex criminal. He mutilated a child.’

‘It doesn’t seem like much of a punishment.’

‘He’s not being punished. He’s being reformed.’

‘That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, Todd.’

‘Well, the world’s been taken over by women. You can’t expect it to be rational.’

There was a hissing sound and the door popped open an inch or so. At the exact moment when Jason decided he simply couldn’t stand it anymore, the door opened, and they let him out. Someone from the outside, in the corridor, grabbed the door and pulled it towards them. A jolly face appeared – a plump woman, wearing a blue shirt and dark trousers, keys and handcuffs attached to the belt. She was carrying a radio, and, as she saw Jason and Todd, she raised it to her lips, depressed the button, and said in a sing-song voice, as though they had been playing hide-and-go-seek, ‘I’ve found them!’ She was both excited and pleased with herself.

It was unusual to see a woman but Jason decided her name was not Stephanie. She was obviously a dyke; and he was not a little boy anymore. He didn’t have to let it worry him.

By this time Todd had injected the green syringe into Jason’s groin – into the place where Jason had pressed the back of a spoon when he was a child, where there was a small depression on either side. It would take ten minutes or so; but Todd had said he would soon feel the pain. He would feel all of it.

They were going to play Handyman.