(Names are not given in concern for others.)

I have been very lucky in life.

My first mistress castrated me after two years of knowing her, then threw me out about 5 months later when she finally got bored of me. Both events were a surprise, but it was probably the loss of my mistress that upset me more. For three years after that I was a virtual social recluse and spent more time working, walking and training my dogs, and on the internet. I lost interest in things that had been my main joy in life before - bondage is more fun with balls. I think it's got something to do with pain and pleasure neural pathways, and testosterone release cycles. I got very depressed, had to start taking replacement hormones and antidepressants, and I had to get counselling. I think through the black days I've often been able to see a lighter side of life, which is essential.

It didn't help in some respects, because I'd probably have done the same thing to myself. Most of the counsellors didn't understand me. However, I started to see that life is more than sex and personal pleasures. I started to realise that life can actually be fulfilling without testicles! It seems odd to think that if more men realised what advantages there are (without fixating on the negatives), then there would be more self-made eunuchs.

I don't like having to hide my status, but life requires it. Many people aren't that understanding and some can be abusive. It's easier to talk to women than men about it. Men are too protective of their "crown jewels"! After the initial surprise, I've generally found that women find they can relax more in my company when they think I'm not after their bodies. One good friend said that she felt she could talk more easily to me than to her girlfriends about relationships. It was because I wasn't after her boyfriend (as I'm neither one of her girlfriends and I'm not gay) and I wasn't after her either. The time I spent with her and other friends became genuinely because I enjoyed their company and really appreciated their efforts to encourage me when I was down. I began to appreciate equality with men and women as I didn't before. The world needs more men who are not afraid to become eunuchs. There would be less aggression and more diplomacy. More consideration for others. Having said this, my girlfriends often enjoy making humorous comments when they can - when watching football (or any ball sport), for example. The vet is a friend of mine and she neutered my dogs when I got them. She couldn't resist making a comment about me not allowing any testicles in my house. I suppose that's true though. If I can't have balls then why should the dogs get to keep theirs. Despite the increasing awareness of others however, as I started to improve my relationships I became more acutely aware that although I had many good friends, I still didn't have that one intimate relationship everyone desires.

I had been less concerned about finding a mistress now than about the prospect of finding any women who could accept who I was. Most women want children it seems, at some point. There's obviously no way I can provide there. There's also the small matter of having a history that's a bit abnormal. I got very unhappy in school and started regularly abusing my genitals. After being a bit careless one time, one of the girls in the school discovered me. Instead of reporting me though, because she was a friend, she made me meet ber in the small woods at the back of the school that night. When I arrived she was there with two other girlfriends. That night was my introduction to, what I discovered was called, ballbusting. I think from that time on I began to associate women with pain and pleasure combined. I think I became a topic of fascination for the girls. I am still amazed that no teacher and none of the guys appeared to know about it. By the time I left school I think over half the girls in my year, and several from other schools, had taken the opportunity to see what it was like to kick a guy (me) in the nuts. My expectation of women then was coloured by this experience. I sometimes looked back with a haze of nostalgia but then had to check myself to remember that I missed out on loads of things I wanted to do because I had to get a beating, unless I wanted things made public. So it was basically bullying, with a harmful effect on the prospects of making real friendships. I do still keep in touch with some of the girls from school. One friend said that a friend of hers had been able to ward off the unwanted attentions of an admirers after hearing about me and using similar techniques. I'm glad that time is over but I don't hold any ill-feeling.

At university I started to make real friends for the first time. I got depressed about my previous history and struggled with porn and increasing desire to abuse myself. I seemed to gravitate to people with similar experiences. I once walked in on a girl who was literally pinning her strapless dress up to herself through her nipple piercings. She actually became a good friend, albeit an odd one. She persuaded me to see how much weight I could carry suspended by my balls. When I managed ten kilograms (just!), she said that if I could double that, I could sleep with her. About six months later after a very drunken night out I did achieve it and slept with her. Unfortunately, I couldn't remember the incident very clearly (which was also the loss of my virginity) but woke up with a raging hangover, feeling sick and with swollen scrotum, sore balls and a dull pain in my abdomen.

After that I kept striving to get out of such destructive situations. I went to church, which helped for a while, but part of the problem was that I also enjoyed it. I prayed for God to help me resist temptation. One night after a bible study I came out of church and was approached by a woman. She said simply that she had a message from God for me. I was to follow her and learn to serve her in order to serve God. She said that she was extremely irritated that she had to come to me to say this. She also said that if I came with her and accepted this she would help me to overcome my struggles. She also said that if I accepted this she wanted to eventually castrate me. If I accepted this I should meet her at an address she provided. I dismissed her as a weirdo, or drunk at the very least! She seemed to be high so I just politely extricated myself.

About a month later at a low point my resistance again was low and I called the woman. It's amazing how the mind can think one thing one moment but then do the opposite in the next.

When I met her again she said I should always call her "Mistress" even in public, She set various rules and also stated that once I was committed, there was no way out until she permitted it. In the state of mind I was in I hurriedly said yes and signed a contract she put in front of me.

Over the course of the next two years I basically lost control of my finances (I still had to work as a physiotherapist), my time, my decision making, my life became essentially hers. I didn't have the personal skills or self-esteem to be able to get out. I guess that's what she first saw when she met me. I became more and more degraded as time went on. Many activities are one's I won't talk about. I had to sleep in the bathroom by the toilet. Every time I wasn't at work I had to wear shackles. I won't describe the rest because I find it hard to think about now. With hindsight I was uncomfortable about a lot of things then - but if you have your moments of doubt when you're chained up physically you can't escape. If you're psychologically enslaved then the chains don't matter. Two years after first signing the contract I was castrated. I had forgotten, or at least not taken seriously, her threat to castrate.

I had taken three weeks holiday as my Mistress had said I should. I'd expected her to give me some time off, I think. Instead my first day of holiday involved the most unpleasant bondage and genital torture I had ever had. Over the next week I was not unlocked at all. Various friends of my Mistress came to visit and all were invited to give as much pain to my balls as they could. By the end of that week I wanted to leave. At the same time though I was getting really turned on by it. At the end of that first week, my Mistress unlocked my chains and said "this is your only chance to leave intact, leave immediately as you are and never return, or stay and accept the consequences". I was naked and my balls were tied up with several yards of string so leaving would have been difficult in a residential area. I think also I didn't want to lose my Mistress, I was totally infatuated with her. (To be honest, even now I can't begrudge her my loss, because I learned so much from her). Besides which I was in one of those turned on moments, so I stayed. She locked me up again - wrists and ankles, and said "in just over a weeks time, I'm going to castrate you. I'm going to suspend you by your balls and invite anyone who wants to watch." So that I had to think about it and to get used to the idea she put an elastrator band around my scrotum and said she would leave it there until she saw me the next day. I would have to kneel there for a day in the outhouse, watching my balls going blue - she was back about six hours later that evening mercifully. Although I could see the changes happening I didn't regain as much sensation in my balls as before - I suspect that the testicles were fairly dead after this anyway. I think that helped reduce the severity of pain with some of the treatment later that week.

She did go ahead with the suspension as threatened. I made an effort to struggle but about twenty or thirty invited guests from the local scene were there and I had no chance of breaking my bonds. My wrists were tied to my ankles behind my back. A heavy, metal "cup", clasped tightly around my scrotum, was attached to two chains around a hoist on the ceiling. My mistress did jokingly ask if I had any last requests. I'd been gagged as well so her comment was just for humour. After the treatment of the last two weeks, I'm surprised that my balls weren't mush and didn't just pull through the cup - I think probably it was because it was so tightly on.. Having been tied, I'd not been able to touch them with my hands but they'd been kicked, punched, stamped on, crushed, needles stuck through them, and worse, the previous fortnight. Being suspended was excruciating. Giving birth is supposed to be the most painful thing for anyone to endure. If it is really worse than suspension then all men should be suspended just to get the idea.

Ever since I first heard the phrase "strung up by his balls", I've been fascinated by the concept. If I could have kept my testicles and survived the event I think I'd have tried it again. There was a huge cheer from everyone when I was hoisted up. A couple of friends said that it was quite funny watching me wriggling uncontrollably as I was pulled up. The video showed that my scrotum stretched almost two thirds of the way to my knees. After about two or three minutes of struggling I started to try to curl up in a ball, tensing every muscle, trying to cradle my groin with my legs curled up. I was screaming into the gag but no one let me down. After about ten minutes I seemed to be in a stupor. My mistress came up to me and I vaguely remember her saying that she wanted to kiss me. I'd never kissed her before, and I guess that like this she probably thought that I couldn't take advantage of her (she'd been abused and raped when younger), which would have been right. She said that if we kissed, I must promise not to bite her out of spite otherwise her anger would make me wish I'd never been born. I have never had a more tender, more sensual, more erotic, beautiful kiss. To say the experience was worth it would be exaggerating but I try to think on the positive aspects to cope with the negative ones.

A nurse friend of my Mistress had some thick suture material. She pushed a needle through the base of my scrotum. (By this time I couldn't scream, but just moaned. A couple of people there watching have since joked about my "pussy behaviour" and "screaming like a girl".) The suture was passed round my scrotum and tied as tightly as possible, passed round again tied again. This was repeated several times, passing through the base of my scrotum to hold the ligature in place. Secondary to this a metal wire was wrapped around the base of my scrotum and twisted tightly with pliers, virtually cutting into my skin. My legs but not my arms were released and several people held me on either side as I was suspended head downwards, with hands behind my back. My Mistress took an old kitchen knife she'd brought and sliced carefully above the suture. There was minimal blood. The blood in the scrotum had been static for so long that it had clotted in the stretched vessels. ( I don't remember much as I was starting to be a bit spaced out, almost hallucinating - I must have been hanging there for at least 40 minutes.) When I looked afterwards, the surgical wound was neat and clean and didn't bleed, so I think it went ok. I didn't pass out immediately but don't remember much of the next few hours clearly. I woke up in my Mistress's arms as she was joking about the events of the day. The experience of being cared for by her did much to make me realise that my changed sexual status might not matter.

It took about six weeks to recover from the event physically. The skin was quite taut so kept breaking open when it had nearly healed. Friends have asked me if I got to keep my balls and scrotum. My Mistress tanned and trimmed the scrotum herself as the taxidermist wasn't helpful over the phone when trying to discover how kangaroo scrotum purses were made. She's used it for a purse at a couple of interesting events I think. The testicles were dried out and have shrunk substantially. They were originally going to thrown away but I suggested that she keep them. I think there may be a jeweller who would be willing to turn them into earrings - but where could she wear them?! I suppose many would think the whole thing bizarre.

I think despite the castration, if she had not told me to leave I would have happily lived with my Mistress until now. It was a privilege to know her. Even now, if you asked me if I'd willingly go through it again, I'd probably say yes. The difficult thing now is explaining the lack of resentment, or perhaps even having gratitude. As I said before, I don't know the best way forward now. A good friend of mine was pestering me at the bar about relationships and who did I "fancy" or "who would I tell I fancied them, if I had the balls?". I said honestly that it was her if anyone, but it would be difficult in my situation. She didn't speak to me for six months after that. I next saw her when she came to a party in my flat. We arranged to meet for coffee the next day. She said that she'd thought about things and had changed her mind. She actually said that she'd got a bit fixated on castration, and that if I wasn't a eunuch already, she'd probably have wanted to try to do it to me now herself. In the past I didn't understand this desire women have to hurt men. I suppose actually I can see reasons for it now in the way things have been between men and women! Maybe it's not just about hurting someone. We started going out and although there have been hitches things are going ok.

I wish I were still whole, but I have to accept that life is different. Eunuchism isn't a fashion statement and shouldn't be anyone's fantasy. However, it's also not the end of the world. If you think you want to have your testes removed then consider everything. I have friends who have started to fantasise about being castrated after they saw my penis without testicles. Certainly testosterone can keep the libido up, but it won't help with kids! I spoke to my partner because of my circumstances so she couldn't have children from me. I didn't want that to be a problem for her. Either we can try sperm donation, or she could sleep with a fertile guy. I think the most important things in a relationship are honesty, openness, trust, love, and an ability to enjoy each other. At first she refused but now she's thinking differently. She can sleep with whoever she wants - I can't stop her. I would just like to be the one she considers her best friend, whom she can talk to.

I have many down days, but I've always had those. I do have a sex life but it's different. I think about my partners hopes and desires, and I've got to love the relationship aspect. It's important to embrace every alternative area of sexuality when your equipment is different. I've been told that eunuchs in the past were known to have been required to give oral sex. It's definitely a more important aspect now, but only with the whole of the rest of sex - the ordinary times when an action can show love, the foreplay, the kissing, the touching. My partner now jokes that since the best sex she's ever had is with a man with no balls, perhaps she should go one step further and cut off my penis. In that case I'd have less avenues for personal satisfaction and be even more focussed on her. Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong. One thing I have learned now though is that you should never make a snap judgement about such things.

I hope this has been of interest. It's been a bit meandering in places but I hope there are things to help consider your fantasy and reality. Fantasy is dangerous if you let it rule your reality. Life is poor if you don't try to live your dreams.