“Here dear, Dr. Deely’s column is pretty good,” Marge said, handing the morning paper over the table to her husband.

“I hate that Dr. Dildo quack!” Fred commented, accepting the paper. “He doesn’t know shit about the real world, besides, most of that crap he prints is all made up anyway.”

Just read it, asshole,” Marge said, rather coldly.

Dear Dr. Deely:

I am eleven years old and will soon be castrated. Some of the guys have been telling me how much it hurts. They say that first you get a shot in each nut with a square needle and that the nurse twists it as she pokes it in. They also say that the shot just makes everything hurt even more, and that they tie you down and pick you up by your nuts to stretch them out before they cut them off and then they burn you with a red-hot iron afterwards. Is that true?

Signed: Scared.

Dear Scared;

Don’t believe them! They are just trying to scare you. There is very little pain or discomfort involved in castration for a boy your age. Fist you take a nice hot shower, then you lie on a soft, warm bed. You are given a pill to relax you, and then a nurse comes in and washes you again and puts some disinfectant on you. The doctor comes in then and gives you two little shots that you barely even feel, sort of like a soft poke on the hand with a pencil, that deaden all feeling. They do put your hands and feet in some padded straps to keep you from accidentally moving. The Doctor makes just a little slice beneath your penis, then reaches in with a little pair tweezers called forceps and pulls each of your testicles out. You may feel a slight tugging sensation as he does that, but no pain. He carefully ties off the blood vessels with little pieces of special thread and then snips each testicle loose with a little pair of scissors. He may touch the every end of each cut with a cauterizing tool to prevent bleeding, but you won’t even feel it. Then he sews up the little slit he made and then your done. You can even walk out of the clinic afterwards, but you should stay in bed for the rest of the day. You shouldn’t run or jump for about a week, but after that you’ll feel just great. You are lucky that you are getting castrated now. It hurts a lot more when you get older.

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Yeah, right,” Fred sarcastically commented after reading the first question. “In the first place, no eleven year old kid is going to write into a newspaper doctor, and secondly, all the asshole said was something to shut the kid up. For all he knows it hurts like a bitch to lose your balls.”

“You tell them, smart ass, just keep reading,” Marge answered.

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Dear Dr. Deely;

I am in a quandary. I am a widow with a nineteen-year-old breeding son. He is an enthusiastic breeder and mates several times a week. He is very conscientious about receiving his monthly contraceptive inoculations and has not yet fathered a son nor taken a wife. I am engaged to a widower with a ten-year-old son. My fiancé’s son is currently breedable, but that status will change after we are married, as the law is clear that each couple can only have one breedable male offspring. Since my son is already breeding and his son is still prepubescent I feel that his son should be castrated. He is insistent that his son be the legitimate heir to our marriage and that my son be castrated or exiled. I simply don’t know what to do.

Signed: Confused.

Dear Confused;

From strictly a medical point of view the younger boy should be castrated and the older one allowed to continue to breed. Older adolescents who have become accustomed to breeding will rarely submit to castration and will invariably choose exile, and even considering the rigors and dangers of living in the wastelands I feel that they are better off leaving our society. They are always resentful if castrated, and there are often some truly horrible side effects associated with castrating an older youth. That having been said, there are obviously other issues here. You have not included genealogy information on you or your fiancé, and it is impossible for me to determine which of you has the better bloodline. All else being equal, and if both you and your fiancé are still fertile, you may wish to consider exile for your son and castration for his so that you may produce a new breedable son common to both of you. Good luck on what will obviously be a difficult decision.

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“I’ll tell you exactly what should happen,” Fred said after reading the question and the doctor’s response. “Her kid should get himself uncunted long enough to deal with the problem himself. Just stand the asshole fiancé and his little bastard up against the wall, pull down their pants, get a couple of bricks, and Wham! Problem solved. Everyone lives happily ever after.”

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Dear Dr. Deely;

My oldest son is the designated breeder. He is twenty-two and married, but still childless. Tests indicate that his wife is normal and that it is his fault that they can’t conceive a child. I also have a younger son who is twelve years old and non-breedable. I am considering the penectomy option for him instead of castration so that his sperm may be used to impregnate his brother’s wife. What are the risks associated with this option?

Signed: Want To Be A Granny.

Dear Wannabe;

Please don’t even consider a penectomy instead of castration for your son! All fertile males produce sperm, and the excess must be periodically released for both the mental as well as the physical health of the male. Removing the penis will severely inhibit the boy’s ability to rid himself of this excess sperm. You would need to manually remove excess sperm from your son, which is a difficult and degrading experience for both yourself and the boy. Also, most penectomized males that are allowed to retain their testicles through puberty become insane, even if subsequently castrated. Please consider having one of your prepubescent son’s testicles transplanted into his older brother. The transplanted testicle should immediately respond to the hormones in your older son’s body and become fruitful in a few months, at which time you may proceed with your younger son’s castration. If the transplant does not succeed the younger boy can be allowed to progress into puberty so that sperm from his remaining testicle can be harvested. This is one of the few cases in which I would recommend waiting until after puberty to castrate a non-breeder.

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Fred thought that one over for a while, but didn’t have anything to say about the doctor’s advice.

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Dear Dr. Deely;

I am sixteen and have been castrated for six years. I am glad it was done while I was young and I am okay about not being a breeder, but one thing bothers me. I have a really high, girl-like voice. Some of the breeder guys my age tell me that my voice will get a lot deeper if I let them put their semen in my throat. Is that true?

Signed: Squeaky.

Dear Squeaky;

Don’t fall for it! This is a joke that breeding boys have played on non-breeders for as far back as I can remember. Ingesting sperm orally, or anally, will not make your voice deeper. They are only trying to use you. My advice is for you to learn to live with your voice being the way it is. It is possible to deepen your voice slightly by controlled dosages of synthetic testosterone, which can only be administered by a doctor. The drug is normally only available to breeders and would have some rather severe side effects for a castrated youth. In addition to causing your voice to become deeper the drug could also initiate painful swelling in the penis and an increased growth of unsightly body hair.

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“Hah!” Fred exclaimed. “Send the nutless little fuck over here. I’ll give him his oral injection, and maybe one up his poop chute as well. Then he can see for himself what happens to his voice. Hell Marge, you might even learn something. We can sure as hell use some more anal and oral around here.”

“Wish in one hand and shit in the other, hotshot, then see which fills up first.” His loving wife replied.

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Dear Dr. Deely:

My fourteen-year-old son is a designated breeder. He wants to remain a virgin and enter the Super-Breeder competition when he turns sixteen. I have tried every thing to dissuade from this but he is insistent. Can you help me change his mind? He is a smart, athletic kid but I don’t think he could ever make Super-Breeder.

Signed: Doubtful Dad.

Dear Doubtful.

I must start by saying that I am totally against the whole Super-Breeder concept. The idea of a young breeder remaining virgin for two years so he can compete with others for the opportunity to produce warriors for our armed forces appalls me. If he wins he earns the right to breed freely with as many different women as he chooses, with no financial obligations to the children he fathers. The problem is that only five out of each hundred win. The others lose not only the competition but also their testicles as well. Your son is now of breeding age and he should be out enjoying himself, practicing his mating techniques, and searching for a wife to be a mother for his child instead of secluding himself into training for two years in some silly quest to become a Super-Breeder. It seems like pure madness to me, and I don’t understand why a designated breeder would even consider risking his testicles. My personal feelings aside, there are also medical issues. If he should lose at any stage of the competition, as he most likely will, he will immediately be castrated. A trained professional will not perform this castration in a clinic, but instead it will be a crude act of butchery carried out by a vengeful victor. The mortality rates for castrations such as these are extremely high, as is the suicide rate afterwards. In the unlikely event he should win he would be subject to an unknown number of diseases as well as the possibility of overstressing his reproductive system, making him unable to take a wife and father a legitimate, breedable, heir. You might try taking him to the arena to watch one of these competitions so he can hear the screams of the losers and see their faces as they are brutally castrated. Good luck.

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“Go for it kid!” Fred said after reading the last letter. “I wish to hell I’d of tried out for Super-Breeder! Nothing better that having a nice young virgin every couple of days, and you don’t even have to listen to them piss and moan for the rest of your life.”

“What would you know about pronging a virgin anyway?” Marge replied, sarcastically. “You never had one.” Besides that, you could only handle no more than one about every six months or so, and you’d never be able to knock one up anyway, unless you could get her to swallow, that is.”

Fred finished his coffee, rose from the table, and kissed his wife on the cheek. “I’ll see you tonight, dear.”

“Have a nice day and don’t work too hard, honey,” Marge replied.