Bryan's Story, Part 4

Bryan 04

Metamorphosis

Pain – unremitting, unyielding, dull, and throbbing pain brought Bryan to full wakefulness the next morning. It had begun by creeping into his dreams, disrupting them and eventually shattering them. The pain grew and swelled until Bryan’s sleeping mind could no longer deal with it. Synapses fired shifting his brain from sleeping to waking mode. Outside his suite, the sky was still dark – dawn hadn’t started breaking yet. Awake, the pain was more intense. It wasn’t the kind of pain that made Bryan want to scream hysterically, and for that he was grateful. But, the pain was enough to make movement uncomfortable.

He must have made more noise than he thought, because the nurse was by his side instantly. Bryan figured the pain was evident on his face because the nurse, a young Latino, immediately produced two pills for Bryan to swallow. He began stroking Bryan’s hair and face gingerly, soothing him in barely accented English.

“I know – it’s uncomfortable this morning, isn’t it?” He asked, his voice soft and gentle. “Those pills should take the edge off the pain for you in just a little while.” The young man poured some ice water into a plastic cup and held it to Bryan’s lips so he could wash down the small pills. Setting the cup down, the nurse remained at the bedside stroking Bryan’s hair comfortingly. “Just try to relax, Jorge is here to take care of you.”

It didn’t take long before the pain began to recede to a tolerable level, Bryan wasn’t sure if it was from the effects of the pain killers or Jorge’s gentle ministrations. He felt his eyes growing heavy again and soon found himself drifting back into an undisturbed slumber.

Bryan opened his eyes again and found the sunlight streaming in through the sliding glass doors leading to the deck outside his suite. He realized he’d slept for a couple of hours. His groin ached, but the pain that had awakened him earlier hadn’t returned. He had just managed to pour himself a glass of water when Jorge peeked into the room. Seeing Bryan wide awake, the young nurse came into the room.

“Feeling better, now?” Jorge asked.

“Much better, thanks,” Bryan answered. In the light of morning, Bryan was able to clearly see Jorge for the first time. Jorge surpassed the beauty standards Bryan imagined the resort must have for their employees. His tan skin was smooth and flawless. Jorge’s large, compassionate brown eyes were enough to make Bryan feel better. His jet black hair was cut in very casual Caesar style that he wore in a stylist rumpled manner.

“Hungry?” Jorge asked. He smiled broadly at Bryan’s nod, revealing large, white teeth. “Great, I’ll get breakfast sent up right after I give you your bath.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Bryan protested, feeling a little embarrassed.

“Ah – no arguments from you this morning,” Jorge grinned. “Take advantage of the pampering you get today. Tomorrow, I’m going to make you get out of bed and walk to the bathroom to wash yourself.” He ignored all of Bryan’s assurances that he felt able to wash himself and disappeared into the bathroom with a large plastic basin. He returned in a few minutes with the basin filled with steaming water.

Raising the bed, Jorge helped Bryan out of the open backed gown and then soaked a washcloth in the water. Bryan felt like he was a little boy again as Jorge gently scrubbed his face with the soapy washcloth. The young nurse was thorough – he methodically washed every part of Bryan’s exposed skin. He even ran the damp washcloth over Bryan’s hair before carefully combing it. He even lathered Bryan’s face and shaved the small amount of stubble from his chin. At last, Jorge was satisfied that his patient was clean and looked his best. Only then did he order breakfast to be sent up to the suite.

For his part, Bryan wasn’t sure whether to be embarrassed over being bathed by Jorge, or liking the experience. There was something appealing about being pampered so extremely. He decided to follow Jorge’s advice and enjoy the pampering – he just hoped the cute male nurse didn’t intend to spoon feed him as a part of the pampering.

The breakfast tray was just being removed when Sam appeared. He conferred with Jorge for a few moments before taking Bryan’s vital signs. Then, donning latex gloves, Sam had Jorge lift up Bryan’s hospital gown while he changed the dressings. Bryan caught a quick glimpse of thick surgical dressings stained red. Sam must have noticed the expression of shock that flashed across Bryan’s face at seeing the old bandages.

“No fears,” Sam said, soothingly. “That wasn’t blood on the bandages – well, to be honest a very little bit of it was. But, most of what looked like bloodstains was just antiseptic.” He produced a small tube of antiseptic gel from his bag, generously applying it around the incision before placing new bandages in place. “Jorge tells me you had a little bit of a hard night. That’s to be expected for the next day or so – but, it will pass.” He finished up and snapped off his gloves as Jorge lowered the gown.

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you,” Sam said, cheerfully. “Everything looks spot on. But, now comes the part you’re probably going to really hate.”

Bryan braced himself for terrible news – maybe something had gone wrong during the surgery and now, they’d have to complete the castration by removing his testicles.

“Hey – don’t look so scared,” Sam chided. “It’s not that bad – but it is going to be uncomfortable.” He lowered the rail on the side of the bed. “I want you to get up out of bed now.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” Bryan protested.

“It’s going to be painful,” Sam admitted. “But, it’s really for the best – you don’t want to get too stiff from staying in bed for days on end. C’mon, I’ll help you get out of the bed – then, we’re going to walk into the living room and you can sit in there for a little while.”

That didn’t sound too bad to Bryan. He figured it would only hurt a little bit as he shifted his body on the bed, and then he’d just have a short walk into the living room. Swallowing hard, he tried to swing his legs over the edge of the bed. As soon as he did, a stabbing pain shot through his groin and brought tears to his eyes. Bryan’s face drained of color as he shook his head and tried to lay back. Sam refused to let him quit and urged him to try again, helping Bryan swing his legs out of the bed in one smooth motion.

Sam had Bryan sit on the edge of the bed and catch his breath while he unhooked the collection bag from the side of the bed. Using surgical tape, Sam taped the bag to Bryan’s calf. Then, Sam held out his hand and helped Bryan stand up. The bandages between his legs forced Bryan to stand with his legs spread wider apart then he was used to doing.

“Okay!” Sam cheered him on. “You’ve gotten past the hard part – see, I said you could do it.” He stepped back, his hand still out for Bryan to grab if he felt the need.

Bryan wasn’t about to deny that he was experiencing pain, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as he had thought it would be. His legs felt a little wobbly, but he didn’t see any problem with walking into the living room. His first step changed his mind fast. He found he couldn’t take normal steps and was forced to shuffle like a little old man into the living room of the suite. Jorge was standing next to a well-stuffed arm chair. He smiled encouragingly at Bryan as he approached the chair with shuffling baby steps. To Bryan, the short walk from one room to another felt like it took hours. Every step brought fresh aches from his groin. He sighed in relief as he sank into the chair.

Sam sank to one knee by the side of the chair, patting Bryan’s hand, “I won’t lie to you – it’s going to be painful to walk around today. Part of that is from the incision, and some of the discomfort you’re feeling is from the surgical tape pulling as you walk.”

“Walk around?” Bryan wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that.

“Later on you’re going to take a walk around the room with Jorge,” Sam said, matter-of-factly. “And, before you get to return to bed, you’re going to walk out to the deck and back.” Bryan began shaking his head, he didn’t know if all that was possible yet. “I know, right now you think that is a bit much for you. It’s not, believe me.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Bryan panted.

“You can do it,” Sam assured him. “By this afternoon, you won’t be walking so stiffly. If we let you just stay in bed for the next couple of days, you’d really be stiff and in some serious pain.”

“I’m in pain now,” Bryan said, trying to summon up a little grin.

“I know it aches,” Sam agreed. “But, you need to help yourself by working the stiffness out. I promise you, you’ll feel much better for the little walks. And, if the pain gets too bad, Jorge has your pain meds. And, if they don’t work, I’ll be right away with an injection that will relieve your pain.”

“Okay,” Bryan nodded in agreement. “I’ll do my best.” He finally managed a real smile. “Besides, I don’t think I have a whole lot of choice.”

“None at all,” Jorge laughed. “If you refuse, I’ll get mean and pinch your cute bottom all the way across the room.”

“I thought the idea was to make me walk,” Bryan shot back, without thinking. “That almost sounds like a reward for not walking.”

“Okay, if you be good and walk when you’re supposed to, I’ll pinch your butt,” Jorge teased. Suddenly, he burst out laughing as Bryan realized what he’d said and blushed furiously. Bryan couldn’t believe he’d said that – he was never that openly flirtatious back at home. Sam left after promising to drop in and check on Bryan’s progress later in the afternoon. With the television on, Bryan decided to just relax in the chair until either Jorge or Sam forced him to get up and endure the torture of trying to walk around again. He was halfway through watching a disaster movie that had George Clooney leading his fishing boat crew through a giant hurricane when he suddenly found himself forced to abandon his resolution of not getting out of the chair until Jorge forced him to do so.

It started with a slight rumble in his stomach, then it rumbled again. Bryan became aware of a growing pressure in his abdomen and within minutes realized that unless he wanted to soil himself, he had no choice but to get up and try to make his way to the bathroom. Jorge was busy in the bedroom changing the sheets, so Bryan decided to try to get up himself. His first attempt to just rise up from the chair sent pangs down his legs and into his belly. Calming himself, Bryan eased himself to the edge of the chair and shifted his feet until they were under him. Taking a deep breath, Bryan used his arms to lever himself up. To his surprise, he didn’t experience another jolt of pain. His stomach rumbled again and he felt the pressure building rapidly.

Another deep breath and Bryan turned towards the bedroom door. His first step was tentative, and relatively pain free. Grinning to himself, he tried another step and experienced the same results. He felt stiff and certainly wasn’t going to set any speed records, but moving around wasn’t quite as bad as it had been earlier. He had just made it to the bedroom door when Jorge hurried to his side. Bryan gave a quick, embarrassed explanation and continued moving towards the bathroom. Jorge’s offer of a bed pan was immediately rejected.

Jorge stayed about half a step behind Bryan as he slowly made his way towards the bathroom. Reaching the toilet, Bryan was glad for the first time that the gown he was wearing had an open back. Jorge retreated symbolically to the bathroom door, reminding Bryan not to push or strain as he relieved himself. Panting from the pressure and exertion of making it to the bathroom, Bryan nodded his head to show he understood. The pressure in his gut made his lower abdomen ache, tempting Bryan to push just a little bit. Then, his sphincter relaxed and Bryan gave a little gasp of relief. His bowels emptied in a rush. The pressure in his gut disappeared, leaving him feeling much better than he had earlier. Bryan found the walk back to the living room was easier than the earlier attempts at walking had been. Sam had been right – the more he walked, the less stiff he felt.

When Sam returned later that afternoon, he found Bryan wearing pajamas as he relaxed on the deck. Jorge had been replaced at noon by an efficient, but not overly friendly, female nurse. Bryan admitted to Sam that he was still feeling some pain – especially when getting up from a sitting position, but it wasn’t a stabbing or unremitting pain anymore. Sam said that was just one more good sign that everything was moving along nicely as far as Bryan’s recovery was concerned. He helped Bryan up from the deck chair and followed him into the bedroom. He mentally noted that although Bryan was walking gingerly, he wasn’t as bent over and stiff as he had been that morning.

Once Sam had Bryan back in bed, he removed the young man’s pajama bottoms and removed the bandages. Sam was glad to see very little signs of swelling. Of course, Bryan had been receiving anti-inflammatory medications since the surgery, but they often didn’t work as well as they seemed to in Bryan’s case. He delicately traced a gloved finger along the incision – it was a nicely scabbed and a healthy red straight line about five inches long. Sam looked and felt for any lumps that might be an early indication of developing infection along the internal stitches. Javier had closed the skin using surgical glue to minimize the development of a large scar along the incision line. Not finding any lumps or hardness under the skin, Sam nodded his satisfaction. There was some redness on either side of the incision, but that was normal.

“Want to see the new you?” Sam asked.

“Er – um, yeah, I guess so,” Bryan answered, hesitantly.

He started to raise himself up on his elbows, wincing a little as he did. Sam used the bed controls and raised the bed into a reclined sitting position. Bryan looked down at his groin and let out a little gasp of surprise. Ironically, the first thing that struck him wasn’t the fact that his penis was gone. What caught his attention first was the discoloration of his groin – it was mottled several different shades of a yellow or orange brown. Sam explained that the mottling was simple discoloration from the Betadyne antiseptic that had been used to prevent infection.

Bryan was relieved to hear that the discoloration was from the antiseptic and not bruising. Finally, he turned his attention to the place his penis used to be – he stared in open wonder at what he saw, his mouth slightly open. A thin red line ran from about an inch or two above where the top of his penis used to be all the way down to where his scrotum began between his legs. He didn’t know exactly what he had expected to see, but that narrow red line wasn’t what he had thought he’d find.

Sam grinned, “You were expecting a criss cross line of stitches, I’ll bet.”

“I guess,” Bryan admitted. “I really didn’t know what to expect to tell you the truth.”

Sam traced his gloved finger along the incision again, “Dr. Javier used absorbable stitches internally – they’ll just be absorbed into your body as the incision heals. He closed the surface incision using surgical glue.”

“Glue?”

“It’s the best thing for closing incisions,” Sam assured him. “We always try to use surgical glue to close the surface if we can. The days of the old-fashioned Frankenstein stitches are long gone,” Sam explained. “The glue results in a much finer scar,” he pointed to the thin red line on Bryan’s lower abdomen. “That’s actually wider than the final scar will be, you know.”

“You’re kidding!” Bryan stared down at the narrow incision in wonder.

“No, really,” Sam assured him. “Once the scab falls away, the scar left behind will be narrower. Before you know it, it will be a fine white line hardly noticeable.”

Bryan stared down at the bare groin – a corner of his brain kept telling him that something was missing. He should be seeing his perfectly proportioned penis slowly standing from a limp state to a full erection jutting straight out from his lower belly. Instead, there wasn’t anything there but a very narrow red line.

“Well, is it what you expected?” Sam asked.

“It’s better,” Bryan said, in a small voice. “I wasn’t really sure what to expect – but I figured there would be a big line of stitches and later – after it healed – a big scar.”

“Well, you certainly won’t have to worry about a big, ugly scar,” Sam observed, as he examined the area around Bryan’s new urethra opening. Again, he was satisfied that Bryan was healing nicely. It wouldn’t be long before the catheter could be removed. “Now, you’ll need to learn some new hygiene and toilet habits,” Sam explained. “You have to be aware that you’ll now have to sit down to urinate from now on.”

“Yeah, I figured that,” Bryan admitted. “I never felt comfortable using urinals, anyway.”

“Well, along with sitting down to relieve yourself,” Sam continued, “you’ll need to wipe after each time you use the toilet. There are several brands of moistened wipes available over the counter – they’re among the best to use to keep the area clean.”

Bryan nodded, blushing, he hadn’t considered having to wipe himself every time he peed. He knew he needed to be informed of the new changes, but was never comfortable discussing his bathroom habits with anyone else. He hoped Sam didn’t feel the need to dwell on the subject.

“Since your incision is healing so nicely,” Sam said, changing the subject to Bryan’s relief. “I’m just going to lightly cover the incision with a surgical pad. That will give the scab the chance to dry as it heals.” He opened a sterile package and drew out a large gauze pad, placing it lightly over the site of the operation. “We’ll keep these pads in place for another day or so – more as padding than anything else,” he explained. “I think you’d find it uncomfortable to have your clothing brushing across the incision just now.”

That made sense to Bryan – the area was still tender and a little sore. His pajamas were loose and baggy, but he didn’t want to even imagine how uncomfortable the incision might get if it was constantly rubbed. Sam had finished with the bandages and was pulling off his latex gloves with a snap.

“I want you to keep walking,” Sam instructed him. “But, keep it in moderation – don’t do too much at one time. Too much movement is just as bad as too little – maybe worse. Let your body tell you how much you can do. It’s natural to feel some discomfort as you move around – especially when you stand,” Sam explained. “But, pain is a warning that you’re doing too much and need to stop.”

“Okay,” Bryan agreed.

A week later, Bryan found himself standing in front of the full-length mirror in the bathroom examining his reflection. The scab along his incision had dried and flaked off leaving a straight, pink line down the middle of his groin leading straight to his scrotum. His balls seemed unwilling to hang as loose in his scrotum as they did before his surgery. It wasn’t that they had contracted up into his abdomen, they just seemed as if they didn’t hand down as loosely as before. Of course, Bryan decided, that could be because he hadn’t been wearing any underwear while he recuperated. Bryan returned his attention to the reflection in the mirror – there was a dark shadow of stubble on his legs and arms. Jorge had kept his groin shaved – “to keep the surgical tape from pulling” he had explained. Maybe that was the case, Bryan thought, then a mischievous grin turned up the corners of his mouth. It was also possible that Jorge just liked the way Bryan’s groin looked and felt when it was smooth. If the truth was told, Bryan liked the way he looked shaved smooth, too.

He turned and stepped into the shower, turning the water up as hot as he could tolerate it. He let the water cascade over his body, feeling his muscles relax. He waited until the shower had filled with clouds of steam and then stepped out to get his razor and can of shaving crème. Starting with his right leg, Bryan massaged the white foam up and down his leg. He had barely finished shaving his right calf when he realized he hadn’t given any thought as to whether he should continue shaving his body or not. Bending over, he critically examined his two legs – one calf smooth shaven, and the other covered in dark stubble. There wasn’t any doubt in his mind at all which leg looked better and more esthetically pleasing. Moments later, he was bent over again shaving his legs clean. Finished with his legs, Bryan immediately went to work shaving his underarms and arms down to the fingertips. Bryan was humming happily to himself as he smeared the shaving crème over his chest and belly prior to scraping it away with the razor. Stepping from the shower, Bryan once again marveled at how alive and sensitive his denuded skin felt as he toweled himself dry.

Padding naked across his bedroom to the closet, Bryan had his hand on a hanger containing a pair of his khaki slacks. Impulsively, he returned the hanger to the rod and pulled the new shorts Simon had talked him into buying from the shelf at the side of the closet. He selected the low cut tank top and billowy gauze shirt to go with the shorts.

Minutes later he was staring at himself in the full-length mirror again. Something wasn’t quite right with the image he was seeing. At first, he couldn’t quite put his finger on what was wrong – and then he saw it. He had unconsciously buttoned the shirt all the way up, leaving only the top button undone. Quickly, he undid the top three buttons and reexamined his reflection – the shirt looked better, more casual and relaxed. His hand shot up to his hair – brushed neatly, every hair in place with a neat part, the perfect preppy style. A few swipes with his brush fixed that – he brushed his hair forward, leaving only the slightest hint of a part and pushed the front up and slightly over.

The new Bryan stared back from the mirror. Examining his reflection again, Bryan was pleased to find he really liked the new image facing him. There was a content, satisfied upturn to the corners of his mouth he didn’t remember being in place before. He looked more – more, something. He tried to put his finger on it and just couldn’t at first. And, then it slowly dawned on him – he looked more like he felt inside. Secure, confident, and relaxed is how he looked and felt.

Wandering down to the lobby shops, Bryan had intended to find himself a new pair of sunglasses before heading out to the beachfront café for some lunch. Staring at the choices in the optical shop, Bryan found his gaze returning again and again to one of the advertising posters on the wall opposite him. The model in the ad bore an uncanny resemblance to himself – he had the same hairstyle and facial shape. Stepping over to the poster, Bryan examined it with the intensity of an art critic examining the work of an old master. Slowly, he pulled off his plastic aviator frames – looking from the round wire frames on the model to the plastic teardrop shaped frames in his hand. Within minutes he was trying on a set of the frames, the cable arms hooking over his ears and examining his reflection in a mirror. The round lenses gave him a look of innocence tinged with a dash of classic bravado.

He left the optical shop a little over an hour later wearing his new round Windsor style frames. Passing one of the shops, he glanced at his reflection and almost did a double take – he almost looked around to see if someone else was standing near him. He was used to seeing a fairly good-looking young man staring back. But, a good-looking anonymous young man – the kind of person who would immediately disappear into even a small crowd. The reflection he saw in the shop window was innocently handsome – boy next door handsome with a hint of sensuality. The soft gauze shirt, sleeves turned up to just below the elbow and the top four buttons open, draped appealingly over his torso. The short shorts that exposed nearly all of his legs – his smooth, sleek legs – worked to give him the innocent look of a harmless schoolboy and at the same time, hinted seductively that the schoolboy in those shorts just might not be as innocent as he first appeared.

Bryan hadn’t used any gel or pomade in his hair that morning when he brushed his damp hair. As it dried, the pushed up front had fallen slightly leaving a couple of locks enticingly draped over his forehead. Bryan stared at the unruly locks falling over his brow – normally, he’d either immediately rake his fingers through his hair to push the out of place locks back into place, or duck into a rest room to comb his hair. But, examining the dim reflection in the shop window, Bryan decided to leave his hair as it was – relaxed and casual. It kind of suited his attitude.

He was enjoying the sun on the café deck, examining the menu when Simon and Kev slid into the empty chairs at the table. They both complimented him on his new glasses, jovially teasing him that he was transforming himself in more ways than one. They were both glad to see Bryan up on his feet again and still happy with his decision. Eventually, a waiter joined them at the table, introducing himself as Jamison before offering to take their drink orders.

Looking up, Bryan found himself staring into the greenest eyes he’d ever seen. Jamison had thick, black hair slicked back in a retro style. With his bat-wing collar, red bow tie, and vest, Jamison looked like he’d stepped right out of some Art Deco illustration. Bryan frankly admired Samisen’s handsome face as he waited for Simon and Kev to decide what they wanted to drink. Instead of diverting his gaze when Jamison turned in his direction, Bryan continued to admire the waiter. Ordering an iced tea, Bryan smiled when Jamison winked before slipping away to get their drinks.

“I think Jamison likes you,” Kev teased.

“Think nothing,” Simon countered. “The way he winked at Bryan, there. And, did you catch those sideways glances he kept throwing in his direction?” Simon leaned across the table, “Face it, Bryan, our waiter thinks you’re hot.”

“He was cruising me,” Bryan said, his voice tinged with wonder. “Before, he wouldn’t have even paid me any attention with two hunks like you guys at the same table.”

“Hey, thanks for the compliments,” Simon said. “But, you’ve probably always been pretty hot yourself. Your packaging was just too plain before.” He reached out and patted Bryan’s smooth leg. “Showing all that delicious skin – mmmmm, that skin is bait most guys couldn’t ignore.”

“What’re you going to tell your boyfriend back home about Jamison, the cutie?” Kev teased.

For the first time that afternoon, Bryan blushed, “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“You have got to be kidding!” Simon said, astonished. “I can’t believe no one’s showed any interest.”

Bryan shrugged, “Guess they never noticed.”

“And, hasn’t there been anyone who caught your eye?” Kev asked, grinning impishly. “Maybe not a specific individual, but a certain type, maybe?

“Yeah,” Simon chimed in. “What kind of guy catches your attention?”

“I dunno,” Bryan squirmed. “Um, a guy with floppy hair … maybe a skater or surfer style cut …”

Kev nudged Simon devilishly, “Floppy hair, huh? Score one for Simon, here!” He leaned over the table. “Floppy red hair, by any chance?”

“Well, no – I mean I sure wouldn’t turn away from anyone as hot looking as Simon,” Bryan said quickly. “But, I was thinking of sunbleached blonde floppy hair,” Bryan’s eyes grew dreamy as he continued, “deep brown puppy dog eyes … a couple freckles over his nose … smooth six pack abs and chiseled pecs.”

“That’s not a type,” Simon challenged. “What’s his name? You’ve got a crush on someone and the poor bastard doesn’t even know.”

Bryan blushed again and looked down, “Just a guy back home.”

“Just a guy, my freckled ass,” Simon laughed. “You told us everything but the kind of underpants he wears.”

“Burgundy bikini briefs,” Bryan said softly, the corners of his mouth curling up puckishly, as he shot a sideways glance at the two Australians. “Sometimes a dark blue thong.”

“Oooooh,” The two Australians cooed, wagging their eyebrows at each other.

“If you’ve seen his underpants, you’ve seen his equipment,” Kev said. “C’mon, give details.”

“It’s bigger than mine …”

“Well, everyone’s bigger than you, now,” Kev giggled.

“Okay, okay,” Bryan laughed. “Bigger than mine was – almost seven inches. Circumcised,” Bryan added, quickly as Simon began to open his mouth. “It’s surrounded by a dark blonde bush,” Bryan sighed thinking about Aaron’s penis, wishing his best friend was gay.

“He sounds delicious,” Simon observed. “So, the big question is why haven’t you done anything?”

“We’ve jacked off together,” Bryan admitted. “But, he’s so straight, it hurts.”

“That’s a bitch, to be sure,” Kev said.

The friendly banter continued through lunch. Bryan found himself marveling at how openly he was discussing sexual matters with his new friends, and in public, no less, without feeling overly self-conscious. In fact, Bryan was beginning to find the conversation refreshing and freeing. It was as if years of pent up feelings and denied conversations were finally able to emerge into the open. Even during his many jack off sessions with Aaron, neither had really discussed techniques or what brought them pleasure. It was as if there was some unspoken rule that it was okay to jack off together as long as they didn’t talk about it while they were doing it.

Jamison let the three converse for quite a while after they finished lunch before bringing their checks to the table. As the dark-haired waiter left the checks on the table, Kev nudged Simon as he tilted his head in the waiter’s direction. All during lunch, Jamison’s sleeves had been rolled down – suddenly, his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows revealing smooth, hairless forearms.

“I think Jamison is trying to send you a little message,” Kev grinned across the table at Bryan. “He goes for the smooth look – at least on himself.”

“And, before you say anything,” Simon cut in, “remember this, no one is that smooth unless they’ve had a little help.” He sat back in his chair grinning smugly across at Bryan. “Just something to keep in mind.”

As they were leaving after signing their room numbers to the checks, Bryan paused to give Jamison a tip. He could have just left it on the table, but he wanted one more excuse to get a close look at the handsome waiter. Bryan delicately laid his hand on the small of Jamison’s back to get his attention as he handed the waiter the tip. A sudden impulse came across Bryan and he boldly let his hand slide down to Jamison’s tight butt and linger there a moment before he followed Kev and Simon out into the lobby. Kev’s mouth hung open as Bryan approached.

“You gave his ass a squeeze!” Kev proclaimed.

“I know!” Bryan beamed. “I’ve never done anything like that before.” He glanced around, a slightly guilty expression in his eyes. “Y’know something? It felt great!”

The three of them wandered down to the beach where they just wandered and chatted as if they had all known each other for years. Bryan lost all track of time, and found himself not really caring about what time it was. Before long, he had his shoes in one hand as he walked barefoot at the edge of the surf. Only when Kev mentioned he was growing thirsty, did any of them realize they had meandered all the way down to the clothing optional beach. Simon turned sharp glances at both Kev and Bryan.

Bryan swallowed hard, the old feeling of nervousness in his belly again for the first time since his surgery. Slowly, he shrugged, “Hey, it’s clothing optional,” he said as nonchalantly as he could. “Doesn’t mean I have to strip down.”

“Don’t matter to me, mate,” Kev said cheerfully to Simon. “I don’t care who sees the new me.”

“Cool,” Simon said.

The nervous knot in Bryan’s stomach grew larger as they turned away from the water and wandered up the beach. He noticed that most of the people on the beach were totally bare-assed. A group of college-age students were shouting, laughing, and generally having a grand time playing volleyball. The game was made livelier as they joked with each other about the way their genitals flopped around as they dashed and leapt for the ball. Bryan noticed that several people on the beach openly stared in his direction – he was becoming attuned enough to the nuances of glances that he could tell some of the stares were in admiration, and others were curiosity. For the first time since being shaved, Bryan became aware that his smooth skin really stood out in stark contrast to the hairy bodies of the other young men.

He was almost gripped with panic and ready to flee the beach when he took the time to really look at the toned, bodies of the volleyball players. While none were ape hairy, all had at least moderate to heavy hair on their legs and forearms. A couple had generous mats of hair covering their torsos. The knot in his stomach began to loosen. It wasn’t that those hair covered bodies were revolting or disgusting, but they really weren’t appealing. The coating of hair blurred the definition of the muscles on all the players. It was matted and sticking to their skin with sweat giving each player a slightly dirty look. In contrast, his muscle definition was sharp, the light coating of sweat on his body gave it a sheen – almost a glow.

The confidence began growing in his grin again. It wasn’t that the volleyball players were wrong and he was right, he realized. It was possible that some of those college boys just weren’t brave enough to buck social convention and shave. Of course, it was just as possible that they thought their hairy bodies were attractive. And, that seemed to be the whole point – he found himself more attractive, better looking with his skin smooth. That’s all that really mattered – his self-image was boosted because he had taken charge of his physical image. By the time the three of them reached the beach tables by the refreshment stand, Bryan felt his new confidence surging through himself again.

Bryan and his Australian friends nursed their way through three tall, cold fruit drinks before Kev noticed a stall that had beach towels and blankets available for resort patrons. He and Kev went over to get three giant towels and a blanket while Simon went to one of the concession stands and bought some suntan lotion. Minutes later, they had found a nice empty area of the beach and had the blanket and one of the towels spread out. Turning towards the surf, Bryan slowly began unbuttoning his shirt and folding it neatly as Simon and Kev hurriedly undressed.

“Hey,” Simon’s voice was full of concern. “Just because we’re going natural, doesn’t mean you have to strip off, too.

Bryan shrugged, “I know – I kind of want to – really.”

Simon nodded in admiration, “Cool – very cool, dude.

Unzipping his shorts, Bryan took a deep breath before sliding them over his hips and stepping out of them. He kicked off his shoes before taking off his tank top and standing naked for a few moments. Turning, Bryan sank to his knees on the towel before settling himself comfortably on his belly. He carefully unhooked his glasses from around his ears and then cradled his head on his forearms. To pass the time, he asked Simon and Kev to tell him about Australia. He marveled that their lives in Australia sounded pretty much like his own – they spent a lot of time on the beach or in the water swimming and snorkeling. The sound of their melodic voices and the warmth of the sun beating down on his back combined to make Bryan doze off. He didn’t even stir when Simon coated his entire back from neck to toes with the coconut oil suntan lotion.

Bryan didn’t know how long he’d been dozing when he finally began to wake to the sound of strange voices chatting with Simon and Kev. Turning his head, Bryan recognized one of the college students who had been playing volleyball kneeling in the sand anxiously chatting with the Australians.

“Welcome to the land of the waking, sleepyhead,” Simon said, cheerfully handing Bryan a cold beer and a spare towel.

Bryan pulled himself up to a sitting position, maneuvering the towel to strategically cover his lap. He took a sip of the beer before putting his glasses back on, carefully hooking the arms over his ears. As he took his time settling his glasses on, Bryan studied the college student kneeling at the other edge of the blanket. He looked just a little older than Bryan with a solid, well-muscled build – kind of like a wrestler, Bryan decided. His wavy hair was on the shaggy side and a dull mousy brown. There was an indefinable something about the college boy that was almost attractive. The attractive element was spoiled by the young man’s tangled mop of hair, though – he’d look downright handsome with a different style that suited his hair better, Bryan decided. Maybe a perm to give him curls like Kev, or a style that controlled his wild wavy hair a bit better.

Kev was sitting up Indian-fashion, his elbows resting on his bent knees, leaving his groin exposed. The college guy was chatting absently about his fraternity, but Bryan noticed his eyes kept straying to Kev’s crotch. The guy seemed scared and intrigued at the same time. Bryan began grinning as he wondered how the college frat boy would react if he saw Bryan’s smooth groin.

“Hiya mate,” Kev shouted. “This is Toby – he’s an American, too.”

Bryan raised his bottle of beer in greeting, giving Toby a smile. He noticed Toby’s return smile looked a little weak.

Simon leaned over closer to Bryan and whispered, “Toby chased the volleyball over here when it was knocked out of bounds, saw Kev’s crotch and it’s missing nut sack. Next thing, he’s over here trying to make conversation about everything but what caught his attention.”

“Think he’s down here for the operation?”

“For sure,” Simon whispered. “I think he’s still nervous about it, though. Y’can tell he’s dying to ask Kev about the operation, but is shit-scared to bring it up.”

They were interrupted when one of the other volleyball players ran up and dropped to his knees in the sand next to Toby. He was tall, his blonde hair cut in an Ivy League style, and had a typical gym body – slightly overdeveloped for show.

“So, Tobe, didja find out about the operation?” The blonde asked.

“Um, no – not yet, Brad,” Toby answered, his face turning a bright red.

Brad grinned down at Kev, “Bet Toby here hasn’t told you he’s down here to get cut, too.”

“I kind of figured that,” Kev said, dryly. He turned to Toby, “You seem a little uncertain, though.”

“Well, I guess …” Toby began.

“Doesn’t really matter,” Brad interrupted. “He’s got three more days before CHOP, off come the old ‘nads. Right, Tobe?”

“Yeah, three more days,” Toby agreed.

Simon leaned towards the two college boys, “Hey Brad, mate – how about you leave Toby here so we can get to know each other a little better?”

Brad smiled and patted the air with his palms, as he hopped up to his feet and jogged loosely back to the other frat boys.

“He seems like a real asshole,” Bryan said, watching the blonde jog off.

“He’s not so bad,” Toby said. “Really – he’s just doesn’t realize he comes across as having an attitude when he meets new people, is all. He’s pretty cool once he relaxes. He just likes to come across as being super cool.”

“If you say so,” Bryan muttered.

“So, why do you want to be castrated?” Kev asked, coming right to the point.

Toby dropped his head in embarrassment, “I don’t really want to, but don’t have any choice.”

“You always have a choice,” Simon said, gently.

“Yeah, don’t do anything you don’t want to,” Bryan added.

“You guys don’t understand,” Toby said desperately, looking around to make sure none of his companions were within earshot as he lowered his voice, “What do you guys know about secret societies?”

“Not much,” Simon said, as the others nodded their heads in agreement with him.

“Well, they exist and they’re powerful,” Toby said, his voice barely carrying to where Bryan sat. “Get accepted and you’re guaranteed to be successful in whatever you do,” he explained. “But, the thing is, you have to follow their rules and that includes any punishments they hand out.”

“What is you tell them to get stuffed, that you’re keeping your balls where they are?” Kev asked. “Are they going to hold you down and force you to be castrated?”

“No, nothing like that,” Toby admitted. “I guess they could, if they wanted – but, it’s not like that. If I refuse … well, just like they can make sure I’m successful, they can also make sure I’m not successful. It’s that simple. I’m pre-Law – studying to be an investments lawyer. They can make sure I get into the best firms in the country, or they can make sure I never get a shot with those firms.”

“And, what about some other firm?” Simon asked.

“I’d never even get past the application process,” Toby admitted. “I could try to make a go of it myself, open my own office and all.” He shrugged. “But, I’m smart enough to know I’d be lucky to make enough to pay the rent.”

“So, is this some kind of initiation ritual or what?” Bryan asked.

“It’s a punishment,” Toby said. “I fucked up big time, and I can accept their punishment, or leave the society.”

“I’d tell them to forget it,” Bryan said.

“Right,” Toby snorted. “I clear myself by accepting the punishment, and the slate is clean with the society. My first year out of school, I’ll earn about a quarter million bucks. Unless I really suck at my job, and I’m in the top five of my class …”

“So it’s unlikely you’ll suck at your job,” Simon observed.

“Right,” Toby agreed. “By the time I’m thirty, I’ll be pulling down a couple million a year – maybe more, and I can retire before I’m fifty if I want.”

“What’d do to make them punish you with castration?” Bryan asked.

“Every year we have a competition with another society from Harvard,” Toby explained. “It’s an athletic competition – rowing teams. Alum from both societies pledge pretty hefty amounts that we give to charity. The money from the two groups is pooled and the winners get the biggest share for their charity.”

“And just because you lost, they’re punishing you?” Bryan asked, incredulously.

Toby looked even more embarrassed, “It not just because we lost.” He took a deep breath and continued, “In the hundred years of competition, neither side ever had to forfeit before.”

“You blew off the event!” Simon exclaimed.

“I didn’t mean to, but yeah,” Toby admitted. “The night before I went partying and met someone and between one thing and another, lost track of time.”

“So were you sleeping or screwing when you were supposed to be rowing?” Kev asked, trying to contain a grin.

“Screwing,” Toby said. “And, because we forfeited, the other side got to keep the whole pot for their charity. Our alum had to kick in more money so we wouldn’t look bad.” Toby looked over at Bryan. “I know you think Brad is an asshole, but it’s because of him that I was even given a chance to redeem myself. Most of the brothers and alum just wanted to kick my ass out of the society.”

“Wow, talk about the punishment fitting the crime,” Kev said. “I hope she was worth it.” Kev noticed the furtive look in Toby’s eyes. “Or, was it a him?”

“Him,” Toby whispered.

Kev leaned back against Simon’s chest, “You owe me – told you he was one of us.” He turned back to Toby, while reaching up and wrapping his arms around the back of Simon’s neck. “We figured you have some questions you’ve been too afraid to ask, right?”

For the first time, Toby smiled weakly, “Yeah, I do.”

“So, ask away,” Simon said.

“Maybe we can get together later tonight,” Toby said hesitantly, glancing in Bryan’s direction.

“You can ask anything you want in front of Bryan,” Simon said.

“You mean he’s castrated, too?” Toby asked, his eyes growing wide in wonder.

“No, I haven’t been castrated,” Bryan said simply.

“Bryan’s cool,” Kev said, the corners of his mouth curling up. “Ask anything you want.”

“Um … well, does it hurt?”

“It didn’t hurt me,” Kev admitted. “I was asleep the whole time. You’ll be a little sore afterwards – but, it’s not like major pain or anything. You go to sleep … wake up, and it’s all over. Who’s your doctor?”

“Dr. Javier,” Toby answered.

“Don’t know what he’s like,” Kev said, with a sideways glance at Bryan. “My doctor was Hartz – an old German. Nice guy, but all business.”

“Javier does a good job,” Bryan said.

“How would you know? Did he operate on a friend of yours?” Toby asked.

Simon and Kev gave Bryan supportive glances. Simon tilted his head in Bryan’s direction.

“He operated on me,” Bryan said, softly.

“But … you … I thought you said you weren’t castrated,” Toby stammered in confusion.

“I wasn’t,” Bryan said, matter-of-factly. He pulled the towel back, revealing his smooth groin.”

“Oh my god,” Toby breathed, shocked.

Bryan looked at his friends, “Mind if Toby and I take a little walk?”

“We’ll be waiting right here,” Simon assured him.

Bryan casually tossed the towel around his neck and tossed his head at Toby, inviting him to walk down towards the rock outcropping. The two walked on in silence. Bryan was composing his thoughts, while Toby was still trying to comprehend seeing someone with his testicles, but no penis. Once crossing into the shelter of the rock outcropping, Bryan looked around for a comfortable place for the two of them to sit down and talk.

“Are you really committed to going through with the surgery?” Bryan asked.

Toby slowly nodded his head, chewing on his lip nervously, “Yeah, yeah I am.” He looked Bryan straight in the eyes for the first time, locks of his wavy hair falling across his face. “I guess you think I’m pretty shallow because I don’t want to lose the chance to make lots of money.”

“Nope,” Bryan said, simply. “Seems like you have a choice – you can just walk away and take your chances. Or, you can accept their punishment. Either way, sounds like the final choice has to be all yours and you want to go through with it. That’s all that matters – to me at least.”

“I’m scared about it,” Toby said, his eyes watering up. “But, at the same time, I do want to go through with it. I want to prove to the others how sorry I am for fucking up so badly.” The tears started to well up and spill down Toby’s face. “I just can’t help being scared.”

Bryan reached out and pulled Toby close to him, letting the older college boy bury his face against his shoulder. The dam of emotions broke at long last, and Toby began sobbing. Bryan ran his fingers through the tangled mass of mousy brown hair, comforting Toby and letting him purge his feelings. Toby cried for about ten minutes before pushing away and wiping his face. He started to apologize for his emotional breakdown.

“Don’t,” Bryan stopped him. “I kinda figured you needed to get all that out of you. It’s natural to be scared as the operation gets closer.” He described how long he had wanted his penectomy, the nights he had cried into his pillow because he didn’t think he’d ever be able to have the surgery. Then, he described his own feelings of nervousness just before his surgery. As he was talking, Toby rested his head on Bryan’s shoulder.

“Have you had any regrets since the operation?” Toby whimpered.

“That I had the surgery, no,” Bryan said, honestly. “Only regret I have is that I couldn’t have done it a whole lot sooner.” He continued stroking Toby’s head as he thought. “Y’know, in a way, having a penectomy was one of the best things to ever happen.”

“You’re kidding!” Toby said, amazed.

“No, really!” Bryan insisted. “I mean, it’s such a major change that trying other things for the first time just don’t seem all that big a deal. Since I’ve been here, I’ve gotten a totally different hairstyle – clothes, glasses – basically, a whole new image for me. It’s like for the first time in my life having the confidence to have the image of who I am in my mind match the image people see.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh,” Bryan grunted. “You’re probably scared that the people who know about you having to be castrated will think you’re not a man anymore, I bet.”

“Well, sure.”

“But, think of how much guts it’s going to take to willingly go through with the operation. In a way, giving up your balls takes more balls than most guys have,” Bryan said. “If that makes any sense.”

“I never thought about it like that,” Toby said sitting up.

“I bet most of the guys you know would need to be dragged kicking and screaming into the operating room,” Bryan said, thoughtfully. “They’d be crying like babies.”

“I’m sure they would be,” Toby said, his voice growing firmer.

“I did a lot of studying about castration and penectomies,” Bryan said. “You know, if you take testosterone shots or get a testosterone patch, you’ll still be able to get erections and even have orgasms.”

“Honestly?”

“Uh huh,” Bryan assured him. “And, being gay, you won’t need balls to have children or anything, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So, no reason for you to be worried,” Bryan pointed out. “You know you’ve got more courage than most other guys you know. You’ll still be able to get a boner, and don’t need to make any babies.”

Toby gave a timid little laugh, “The way you put it, it almost sounds like a good deal.”

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” Bryan said. “There’s this confidence that can build up inside of you, if you let it.” Bryan climbed to his feet. “I think we should get back to Simon and Kev, now. I think you’re going to be okay – and if you need a shoulder to lean on again, just give me a call.”

Toby stood up, wiping his swollen eyes and looking a little confused. Bryan laughed and reached out to run his fingers through the thick pubic bush above Toby’s penis.

“Nothing’s going to happen this time,” he said, taking Toby’s dick in his hand. “But, after you’re prepped for surgery and smooth down there, I’ll be around to visit you.” He leaned forward and kissed Toby fully on the mouth. “Then, I’ll make sure your last night before the operation is really something to remember.” Bryan looked at Toby for a moment. “Maybe you should jump in the water for a few minutes – no one will be able to tell you, well … got emotional.”

Bryan watched Toby dash into the surf and splash around for a few moments before slowly strolling up the beach towards the Australians. He was almost at the blanket when he realized he had left the towel on the beach for Toby. Looking up, he found Simon and Kev grinning like a pair of Cheshire cats.

“Looks like your little talk benefited you as well as Toby,” Simon grinned.

Bryan sank to his knees between Simon and Kev, kissing each on the cheek as he put his arms around the two of them.

“I just passed along the kind of support you guys gave me,” Bryan said, rocking back on his heels. He glanced back to see Toby loping up the beach. “I think Toby’s going to be okay,” he said.

To be continued ….