Christine VI: Psychotherapy

When I woke up, I was lying on my back looking straight up. The tall pine trees seemed to go on forever, with the shroud of green branches somewhere high above me. There weren’t so many shafts of light now, and I knew the sun was going down. Then I felt something tug gently on my hair. I turned my head slightly and looked into Josh’s face as he looked down at me. My head was in his lap, and he was just sitting there, running his fingers through my hair. He didn’t say anything, didn’t even smile. He just sat there looking at me, gently combing my hair with his fingers.

“I’ve known a couple kids like you,” he said softly. “I think it’s a crime the way the other kids pick on them. If you’ll be my friend, I promise I won’t let them pick on you any more. I don’t care if you’re a girl or a boy, it doesn’t matter. I hope you’ll still be a girl ‘cause then maybe some day you’ll be my girl friend, but it really don’t matter. I want to be your friend, Christine. I want you to join the clogging club and be my partner. I want to join ballet with you so we can be partners there too. I wanna play dolls with you and help you learn to swim better. Please?”
“You... you heard everything?” I whispered.
“Uh-huh. I wanted to go in there and flatten your dad. He had no right...”
“If you heard everything, then you already know I’m not gonna be allowed to be your friend, or girl friend, or anything else.” I started to cry again.
“Don’t be too sure,” he said as he put his other hand in my hair and combed with both hands.

“After you ran off,” he said as he seemed to look off in the distance, “your father came out of the camper. When he saw me I thought he was gonna kill me or something. But instead he just gave me a real funny look. He said he was sorry I had to hear all that, and that he just didn’t realize how unhappy you were. I didn’t realize either, Christine. I had no idea!”
“It’s ok,” I replied. “I been real happy since we came here camping.”

“We all sat down and talked after that,” Josh went on. “Then my mom and dad showed up and we all started to talk. Your dad said he was worried about you and asked me if I’d come find you. He felt real bad for the things he said, Christine. That was a long time ago. I don’t think I ever woulda found you except for all the white and blue you’re wearing. I found you here fast asleep, an’ suddenly all I wanted to do was to stay here with you an’ make sure you were ok. I... I dunno, this is gettin’ so complicated! I... All I know for sure is you’re a really neat kid an’ I wanna be your friend.”

“You feel sorry for me.”
“Well, yeah, I do. I hate all that’s goin’ on, but it’s not that. I wanted to be your friend before we found out about all this stuff. I like the way you dress, the way you dance, an’ I think you’re one of the nicest people I know. I mean... well... you’re just.... well, NICE!”
“Me? You talkin’ about me? Christopher the nerd?”
“Christopher, Christine, Winnie the Pooh, Dracula... call yourself anything you like. It don’t change what’s inside. It’s what’s inside that I like. An’ my dad can do all the therapy he likes, it ain’t gonna change what I think. I think there’s a girl inside.”
“Really? You think so? I mean, there’s so much about bein’ a girl I don’t even know...”
“That’s what makes me so sure. There’s a lot of things ‘bout bein’ a girl that just come natural to you. It would take me years to learn.”

I thought for a few moments about Josh’s comments. Then before I realized what was happening, those thoughts were coming out. “Josh,” I said tentatively, “have you ever... I mean... like, have you ever tried on any of Amanda’s clothes?”

Josh looked down at me with a real funny look on his face. He was thinking real hard. “No,” he finally answered, “not really. Last Hallowe’en ‘Manda and I dressed up as each other, but I don’t think that counts.”
“What was it like?”
“It wasn’t like anything really, just another costume. It was kinda fun foolin’ everybody, but...” He stopped in mid-sentence and looked at me sharply. “Wait a sec!” he exclaimed. “You think I might be like you? You think that’s why I like you?”
“No, Josh,” I said desperately, wishing I’d never asked. “I’m just tryin’ to understand what’s happened. I mean, when I first started gettin’ dressed in Gail’s clothes, I had the strangest feeling, like I shoulda been doin’ this before. It was like... like I had found a piece of a puzzle I’d been lookin’ for. I didn’t want to do it at all at first, but before I was dressed all the way I was picking out a different pair of underwear ‘cause I didn’t like the ones Gail gave me. It was like I’d been dressin’ that way all my life.”
“Be sure and tell my dad that. I think it’s prob’ly important.”

“I can’t wait to meet him,” I said anxiously. In my mind, I would see the good Dr. Reynolds for an hour or so, he could come up with his conclusions, then do whatever he had to do to “fix” whatever was broken, and all would live happily ever after.
“He’s anxious to meet you too,” Josh assured me. “He really believes he can help you. By the way, you should hear the way my mom talks about you. She said she loves you like you was one of her kids. I mean, she told me you had really made her love you.”
“Your mom said that?”
“Uh-huh. But you need to know something else too. Christine, when I left to come look for you, your dad was crying. He said he hated how much he’d hurt you, and he asked me to tell you that he’s stayin’ here tonight, an’ he’d like to take you and me fishing tomorrow.”

I sat up when Josh was telling me about the things his dad and mine had said, but he pulled me gently back down. As I relaxed with my head resting in Josh’s lap, he told me that my mom had told his dad about my theory that I was indeed a girl, but with the wrong body parts. “What did he say?” I asked.
“He laughed at first,” Josh replied. I felt crushed. “Then after he’d thought about it for a few minutes, he said why not? He said he’d never heard it expressed exactly that way, but after thinking about it, he thought it might be possible.”
“So... Does he think that’s what happened to me?”
“I asked him that. He said that there’s no way he could tell ‘cause he doesn’t even know you. He told me it would take a long time of therapy before he could be sure of something like that.”
“Therapy?” I asked.
“That’s what he does, Christine. He wants to give you therapy. You gotta let him, Christine. He’ll help you, if you trust him.”
“That’s what my mom said. But my dad... He doesn’t believe in all that stuff. He says psychol... well, shrinks... he thinks they’re all crazy.”
“Then you and your mom have got to talk him into it. You gotta, Christine!”

It was getting quite dark by the time Josh and I returned to the camper. All the grown-ups had started to worry about us, fearing that we’d both got lost. “We were fine,” Josh said with no hint of fear, “we were just talking.”
“We’d better get back to the trailer,” Josh’s mom said. “I’m sure Christine and her parents have a lot of talking to do, and it’s already getting late.”
“Ok, Mom,” Josh said. “See ya in the morning?” he asked more of my dad than me.
“Eight sharp,” Dad said as he looked at me, still in my good Sunday dress, which was by now rather soiled and quite rumpled. Without addressing me by name, he said “You and I need to talk, ok?”

After I was cleaned up and ready for bed, Mom and Dad took me into the van and closed the door so no one could hear what was said. “We’ve had a long talk with Dr. Reynolds,” Dad began as soon as the door clicked shut. “We want to lay down some ground rules, ok?”
“Yes, sir,” I said, knowing I really didn’t have an option.

“First of all, you need to understand how I feel about this... er... latest development,” he said.
“John,” Mom said, “That’s not first. You promised...”
“I’m getting to that,” Dad said. I could tell she had pissed him off. “Chris, I want to apologize for the way I acted this afternoon. I was out of line and I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok Dad,” I said. It really wasn’t ok, it wasn’t ok at all! But I sure didn’t enjoy fighting with my dad.
“D’you suppose I could get a hug before we start our talk?”

I had on one of my sheer silky night gowns, and I have to say for the first time I felt really strange wearing it as I put my arms around my father. The way he hesitated before hugging me back, I’m sure he felt rather awkward as well, but we both gave it a good try. “I’m sorry, Dad,” I said to him. “I wish I didn’t feel this way.”
“I wish that too, son,” he said. “I wish that more than anything in the world, but... well, you do, so let’s see if we can’t work things out so we all feel better.”

I had a somewhat strange feeling when Dad called me “son.” I had always loved it when he did that, but now things were different. Now it made me uncomfortable. Now I was starting to feel regret that if I got my wish, I would never again hear him call me “son.” Could it be that he and Mom were right? Was I already beginning to get over my infatuation with being a girl? Why in the world did everything have to be so complicated? Should I consider just dressing up when I felt like it, but remain a boy? I think deep down I knew this wasn’t what I wanted, but I knew my dad could live with it. My mom had told me that he said when she first told him that there was nothing wrong with a boy wearing a dress now and then... in the right situation. Of course the “right situation” meant in the privacy of our own home, behind closed doors where no one could see. But that missed the whole point, didn’t it?”

“The first thing we need to talk about is going fishing tomorrow,” Dad said after we were all seated comfortably. “First of all, you still want to go, right?”
“Oh yeah!” I said enthusiastically. Fishing with my dad was another of those things that knew no gender.
“Josh won’t be coming. Does that change anything?”
“Not coming? But Dad, I already talked to him about it, an’ he’s real excited about it. How can I tell him...”
“His father is probably telling him right now. Dr. Reynolds thought it would be a good idea if you and I spend some time alone together right now. He said he’d make sure Josh understands. Do you still want to go?”

I did of course, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about being alone with Dad in a boat all day. And then there was the matter of clothes. What was I going to wear? As if sensing my last thought, Dad brought it up. “About what you’re going to wear,” he said. I guess I kinda stiffened, because he held his hand up as a signal for me to shut up and listen to what he had to say.

“Your mother and I have gone through the boxes of clothes the Reynolds gave us. There are some very good jeans and shorts in Josh’s box. I think you’ll find they’ll fit you almost perfectly.”
“But Dad...” I started to protest. He held his hand up again.
“Let me finish,” he ordered. I did.
“It just doesn’t make sense for you to be in a boat all day wearing one of those sun dresses your mom says you like so much. So I’m gonna insist that you wear pants or shorts. That’s just plain practical. But you can wear whatever you wish for underwear, and you can wear anything for a top you want, or no top at all if you want. I’m still not convinced that this isn’t just some notion you’ve got and you’ll get over it, so for now in my mind you’re still a boy wearing girls’ clothes. I am not going to call you “Christine,” but I won’t embarrass you by blowing your cover to others. If I have to introduce you to anyone, I’ll just introduce you as “Chris.” I’m not going to call you a boy or a girl, but if anyone says anything about you being a girl I won’t correct them. Is that agreeable to you?”
“Yes, sir,” I agreed. I wasn’t too happy with his proposition, but I knew this was hard for him so I let it pass. Of course Mom was sitting there giving me a look that said I’d better agree.

“Dr. Reynolds is going to see you tomorrow when we get back. After that he’s gonna come up early every Friday for the rest of the summer, so I want you to be available for him every Friday afternoon. He wants to try to help you work through all your feelings so we’ll know what to do when school starts. I’m gonna be seeing him in town as well, and your mom will be seeing him up here, but he will not tell us anything about his meetings with you unless you give him permission. He told us today that you’re in for some pretty intense therapy, and some of it might get pretty... well... pretty tough. Are you ready for that?”
“I’m ready, Dad,” I answered. I wasn’t at all sure I was really ready, but at the same time I didn’t see where I had any choice.

“Isn’t that gonna cost an awful lot of money?” I inquired. I had been told countless times that there simply wasn’t any extra money right now, until they got our new house finished and the business got on its feet.
“Dr. Reynolds and I have worked out a deal,” Dad answered. “Actually you’re gonna have to help with that a little. He needs some computers for his office in town, so we’ve worked out a swap. I supply his computers and set them up, and he works with you.”
“But, what can I do?”
“As soon as you get home and started in school, you’re going to start helping me around the computer store. Actually you and Josh both, if Josh wants to. Amanda has already said she’s not interested.”
“Really?” I said, making no effort to hide my excitement. I’d been aching to spend time in that store ever since Dad and Uncle Dan had started it. This was a dream come true.

When I awoke in the morning, I heard the familiar cough of my mom sitting outside the camper. Everyone else was still sleeping soundly, so I quietly got out of the sleeping bag and padded over to where she was sitting and climbed into her lap. She hugged me warmly without a word for a few minutes, then kissed me lightly on the forehead. “While you’re out in the boat,” she whispered, “I’d like you to tell your dad you don’t hate him.” I agreed, but then added that I still didn’t understand why he couldn’t call me “Christine.” She got a little angry at me then, and explained that he had made some pretty big compromises, and that I should be willing to do my part too. I said I’d try, because I really did want to be on good terms with him. My dad’s approval had always been important to me and I already knew it was at an all time low right now.

“Mom,” I said after we’d just sat for a few more minutes, I having stolen several sips of Mom’s coffee, “Would you... er... would you put my hair in pigtails for today? Please?”
“Pigtails?” she questioned. “Why on earth do you want pigtails? I thought you’d just wear a pony tail.”
“I dunno, I just thought I’d like to try them. Maybe Dad’ll like them.”
“What your dad would really like...” she started, then thought better of it. “Ok, I’ll do it for you. Sit between my legs with your back to me.”

I knew Mom loved fooling with my hair, and she had once said if I was a girl she thought I’d be cute in pigtails. But as she was creating the braids, I made the mistake of telling her that Josh had said he thought it would be cute. “Josh!” she exclaimed. “I think you’d turn yourself inside out for Josh. What’s going on between you two anyway?”
“Nothing, Mom,” I answered. “It’s just... well... he’s just so nice all the time. He’s the first real friend I’ve ever had that I can talk to, I mean REALLY talk to.”
“Honey, there are usually things that girls just don’t tell boys, no matter what.”
“I know, Mom. But most of those kinda personal girl things I don’t even know myself yet. But Josh is just a really good friend.”
“I’ve got to ask, honey,” she said as she turned my face to look me in the eye. “You and Josh... are you two doing anything... like... well, anything that involves your...”
“I know what you’re talkin’ about, Mom,” I interrupted. “I’ve heard guys at school talkin’ about that stuff. No, Mom! I think that’s gross.”
“Ok, sweetheart. I won’t ask again any time soon, but I wouldn’t be a good mother if I didn’t check once in a while.”
“Ask as much as you like,” I said with determination. “The answer’s always gonna be the same.”

The fishing trip was, well, about what one might expect. When I presented myself to my father wearing a pair of Josh’s shorts, to which Mom had added a wide web belt to make them more feminine and turned up the legs two folds and tacked them, a purple girls’ tank top with a scalloped bottom that fell three inches short of my waist, my pigtails tied off with matching purple ribbons, white sandals with no socks, he gave me a look of disapproval. He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again, then said simply, “Morning, Chris. You ready to go?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied with a smile.

“There’s one thing I don’t understand,” Dad said as we packed the lunch Mom had made for us. “I just can’t figure out why you absolutely HAVE to look like a girl ALL the time, twenty-four hours a day.”
I started to answer, but Mom got there first. “You’re right, John,” she said, “you don’t understand. That’s only reasonable because you still haven’t accepted what Christine is pretty sure is the truth: that she’s a girl and always was. Until you accept that, you’ll have trouble understanding. But you gave your word.”
“I remember, honey. And I’ll go one step further. Chris, it kills me to say this, but I do have to admit, you look kinda cute.”

Dad could not have made me happier at that moment if he had told me the entire family had suddenly been transported to the land of barbeque, where all we had to do for the rest of our lives was to eat barbequed chicken and fish. I grinned widely and threw my arms around his waist. “Thanks, Dad!” I said.
“Thanks, John,” Mom said. “That was a nice thing to say.”
“I meant it,” Dad said casually as we started walking for the river. Well, Dad was walking and I was kinda floating about three feet off the ground. As we reached the boat, I wondered if he knew what kind of underwear was concealed beneath Josh’s shorts. Of course he does, I told myself, because he knew I had no boys’ underwear at all except for the pair of white briefs that still lay unopened on top of my sleeping bag.

Once in the boat, I was determined to demonstrate to my dad that girls can fish as well as boys. Unfortunately I hadn’t let the fish in on my plan. By lunch time I had only caught two medium sized catfish. Dad had caught five, and one was an absolute monster. No matter though, he did the same amount of teasing that we always did, the more successful always rubbing it in to the utmost. It was really great being friends with my dad again.

After lunch, I announced that I had to use the bathroom. “So why are you telling me?” Dad asked.
“Cause, Dad... I... uhhh... I have to go to shore.”
“I don’t understand why. Just stand on the side of the boat and pee over the side like you always did.”
“Dad!” I scolded. He gave me a somewhat disgusted look and muttered something like “oh, all right!” then started pulling in the anchor. I suppose I could have compromised that one small point, but to me right then it was important. So he took me to shore and I hopped out, ran into the woods and did my business, then returned. I might as well have stayed in the woods, because neither of us caught any more fish.

“I suppose now that you’re a girl you’ll be expecting me to clean your fish ‘cause they’re so yucky, right?” Dad said as we got back to the campground at 3. I saw a slight smile on his face and I knew he was fooling with me.
“Not this girl,” I replied. “I been cleaning my own fish since I was six and I still remember how.”
“I’m not sure those two minnows are worth cleaning anyway,” he joked. I ignored him and set about to cleaning the fish at the rivers edge. “Want me to clean yours too?” I said.
“That would be nice,” Dad answered with an even wider grin. Damn! I didn’t mean it and he knew it. But now I was stuck cleaning seven fish.

As soon as we were back at the camper, Mom instructed me to go to the washroom and get cleaned up, then go directly to the Reynolds’ trailer. She said the doctor would be waiting for me. Suddenly I was nervous. Everyone was making such a big deal out of all the therapy I was going to have, I wondered if that therapy would change me so that I could live my life as a boy. I didn’t want that at all, Especially now that I had proven that girls can do boy things like fish with their dad.

“What did your folks tell you about why you’re here?” the doctor asked as soon as we were settled in his spacious trailer. None of the rest of the family were anywhere to be seen, and Dr. Reynolds assured me he’d sent them to the pool and we wouldn’t be disturbed.
“Not much, sir,” I answered nervously. “They just told me I needed some... er... therapy so you could tell me what to do.”
“I’m not going to tell you what to do, Christine,” he said. “I’m going to spend the next few weeks getting to know as much about you as I can, and then I’m going to try to help you decide what to do. But it’s important that you understand, anything you decide is going to have to be YOUR decision, not mine. All I can do is help you figure out what you’re really feeling, what you REALLY want.”

He started by giving me a complete physical, which he said he did with all his new patients. “There will be more tests when you’re in my office,” he said as I removed my clothes. “For now I’ll just check you over, listen to your heart, lungs, things like that.” He did all the usual doctor things, then he checked over the parts I’d learned to hate really well. As he looked he explained that he was looking for any physical signs at all that there might be even a hint of female parts. There were none. As far as my physical body was concerned, he told me I was an absolutely perfect little boy. Damn! I’d been hoping...

“Don’t be discouraged,” he said when he saw my distress. “That really doesn’t mean too much. It would have been easier to sell your proposition in the system if I’d been able to find some hint of female genitalia, but I wasn’t really expecting it.”
“What’s genit... err....?”
“Genitalia!” he repeated. “That’s the ten dollar word to describe the physical parts that make you a boy or girl.”
“But, they didn’t make me a boy.” I argued.
“Most of the world thinks they did.”
“Most of the world is wrong. I thought you said you thought so too.”
“No, Christine, that’s not what I said. What I said was, you made a good point. That’s why we’re here... to find out exactly what you are, ok?”

“How long is it gonna take?” I inquired. I was already getting disappointed because I had thought we’d know by now.
“It could take all summer, Christine. Maybe longer. Maybe years. And we might never find out all the answers for sure. But we’re gonna try, aren’t we?”
“I already know,” I said defiantly.
“I know you do, honey. Unfortunately the law and the school board and medical profession won’t take your word for it. So I have to side with them until I have enough evidence to convince them.”
“Cause I’m a kid, right?”
“Not entirely. I’ve read of men in their forties in exactly the same situation as you’re in, and no one believes them either until they satisfy themselves. But I’m going to do my best for you. Please understand sometimes I’m going to say things that will make you think I don’t believe you. I do, but sometimes I have to pretend I don’t, so we can make others believe you, ok?”

“You mean like my dad?” I questioned.
“Yes, your dad. And your school. I assume you’re planning to go to school as Christine?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then let’s get to work, so we can PROVE you’re Christine, ok?”

On and on it went. So far I have covered about one week or so in the campground. I’m going to sort of skim over the rest of the summer, hopefully to illustrate how fast it seemed to go for me. Suffice to say it was without doubt the best summer, actually the best time period, of my entire life. Gail and I drew closer and closer to Amanda and Josh, and more or less in that order. We would often pair off, and it was usually, but not always, Josh and me together while Amanda and Gail were off somewhere else.

When Josh and I were together we usually walked through the pines, just soaking in the serenity of the forest. We liked to watch birds, explore new places, and talk. It’s hard to believe how much an eight year old and an eleven year old can find to say given the chance, but we never ran out of things to talk about.

My therapy sessions with Dr. Reynolds could only be described as intense. He spent the first few sessions getting to know me, gaining my confidence and trust. He succeeded on all counts, and then he got nasty. No, he didn’t mean to be nasty and he had forewarned me several times that some of the sessions would be downright painful; and that they were. He took me in my mind to places I really didn’t want to go; while there, he delved into my feelings and thoughts like few people on earth could do. Meanwhile he was no less abusive with my mom and dad. If there was a truth to be learned, he was determined to find it. He admitted that he’d never worked on a case like mine before. He’d had teenagers who were cross dressers, and one of them actually expressed a wish to become a girl. But he had never encountered anyone in his practice who was absolutely convinced that he’d never been a boy in the first place. So along with my therapy, Dr. Reynolds had to spend hours reading, researching, consulting with other more experienced therapists.

Unfortunately for Dr. Reynolds, Josh was always waiting for me when we were through. Sometimes I was in tears, sometimes little more than a basket case. At those times the good doctor suffered no small amount of abuse from my self appointed protector: his own son. True to his word, he never divulged anything he and I talked about to his family or mine, which made it all the harder on Josh because he had to simply trust his dad that what he was doing with me was necessary and beneficial.

In late July, for a sort of advance eleventh birthday party for Josh, we all journeyed to an amusement park in Virginia, then to Virginia Beach for the weekend. We had one of the best times in our young lives. And I discovered yet another secret about myself: I am an absolute total roller coaster freak! I couldn’t get enough! Those things are so totally wildly awesome, I made a vow that weekend to ride every single roller coaster in the USA before I die. I haven’t accomplished that goal yet, but I haven’t forgotten it either.

On the last day of July, Mom and Aunt Julia took Gail and me home to see our new house, and to pick up Dad and go for our final conference with Dr. Reynolds. He had asked my parents to hold off registering me for school until after this conference. Among other things, he’d been hoping to have enough data to justify registering me as the correct gender, whatever that turned out to be. I had pumped him pretty hard... as hard as an eight year old could... about what he planned to say in that conference, but he was far too smart for me. When we walked into his conference room, I still had no clue what he was going to say, nor did my parents.

To be continued...