Christine III: The Barbeque

By the time we got there, the entire campground it seemed were chowing down on barbequed chicken and hamburgers. As we entered the seating area I noticed the boy (I suddenly realized we didn’t even know their names) waving frantically at us. “There they are!” I cried, and we headed towards our new friends. “I’m sorry,” a lady said whom we didn’t know, “it seems that our children didn’t even get your names. I’m Karen Reynolds, and this is Josh and Amanda. My husband Robert is working all week. He’ll be here Friday night.”

“Josh?” I said stupidly. Josh! Now why couldn’t I have a name like that? “Christine,” I heard my mother saying. “This is Christine, this is Gail, I’m Susan Elliot and this is my sister-in-law Julia.

“C’mon,” Josh said enthusiastically with a mouth full of burger, “I’ll show y’all where the food is.” Without even thinking about it, I took Gail’s hand and we followed Josh to the food line. Mom and Aunt Julia exchanged a few more pleasantries with Mrs. Reynolds, then followed us to where they were handing out hamburgers and chicken burgers.

The next hour or so was spent demolishing all the chicken and barbequed beef in sight. I won’t even try to tell you how much chicken I ate - actually it’s embarrassing! Suffice to say I didn’t go undernourished that night. But as everyone got their fill, a disk jockey began playing dance tunes.

As is usually the case at such functions, no one danced. Everyone was chatting and gossiping, catching up on all the happenings since the last get-together, or trying to shout above the music, which of course caused the DJ to play the music louder, which caused more shouting, which... well, you get the idea. Suddenly Mrs. Reynolds stopped what she was saying and exclaimed, “Christine! Your whole body is twitching to that music.!”
“It is?” I said as I was jolted back to reality. “Sorry, Ma’am, I guess I...”
“Christine loves to dance,” my mom explained. “She just... well, she just loves to dance, or sing, or more usually, both.”
“There you are, Joshua,” Mrs. Reynolds said. “Finally a dance partner other than your sister. Ask her to dance, Josh!”
“Aw, Mom!” Josh complained.
“Josh likes to dance too,” Karen said to my mom and Aunt Julia. “But like most little boys, he’s too shy to ask anyone. He’s constantly complaining that the only girl he can dance with is his sister, but when he gets a chance like this he chickens out. I swear, I’ll never understand the male ego!”

I was in a total panic as Mrs. Reynolds, Mom and Aunt Julia all nagged at Josh to ask me to dance. “I... I’ve never danced this kind of dance before,” I protested. “All I’ve ever danced is ballet.”
“Dancing is dancing,” Mom said in her wisdom. In truth, I knew she was right. Actually, after some of the ballet routines I had learned I knew that all I had to do was follow the music, and with most social dances the female follows the male anyway, but I had never even thought of that. “You wanna?” Josh said as his deep brown eyes looked directly into my blue ones. I could tell he was just itching to get on that dance floor, and in truth so was I.
“I... I guess so,” I stammered. “But... I... I mean... All I’ve ever danced is ballet...”

“Josh has been learning social dancing for two years,” Mrs. Reynolds told my mom. “He started with clogging, then branched out to social dancing. He’s really good, but sometimes he gets discouraged because he can’t find a partner other than Amanda and you know how brothers and sisters can be.”
“Clogging?” I questioned.
“It’s sort of the exact opposite of ballet,” Mrs. Reynolds explained. “Sort of like square dancing only people do it with shoes like tap shoes. Josh really enjoys it.”

“Coming?” Josh asked nervously. “Don’t worry, all you gotta do is follow me.” I nodded just as nervously and took his hand as he led me to the dance floor.

As we stood and looked at each other tentatively, the DJ started a slow number - a waltz! I had waltzed as part of a ballet routine, but of course it was a waltz with a ballet flavor. Nonetheless the familiarity of the dance put me somewhat at ease as Josh took my right hand in his left, then slipped his right arm around my waist. My bare waist! The feel of his hand as he slipped it around my waist and pulled me to him was the most electric feeling I had ever experienced! It wasn’t erotic... after all I as only eight years old! I didn’t even know of the existence of the word erotic! But it felt so... so RIGHT! It just felt like this had been my destiny! I stumbled a little as we started to dance, not because I didn’t have the feel of the music, but just because I was taken so by surprise! Then I got into the rhythm and we glided gracefully around the floor. We were the only couple on the floor, and I could feel every eye in the place on us! “You’re doing great!” Josh commented. We both relaxed a little and got into the dance.

When the waltz was finished there was still no one else on the floor. Everyone clapped as we started to sit down, and Josh turned as red as a beet! I could feel the heat of my own face flushing, but it didn’t matter. Josh looked so cute with his red face! I noticed for the first time just how incredibly handsome he was! He was wearing a pair of rather baggy tan cargo shorts, and a white T-shirt that revealed muscles that were already forming even though he was still not quite 11. I admired his great looks, then realized with some degree of shock that my admiration was not envy - I had no desire to have a body like that! But to look at him, touch him, dance with him... that was... was... well, right then it was all that was important to me!

The music started again - a 50's jive tune. Josh grinned from ear to ear and without asking, took my hand and led me to the dance floor. It was so cool as we danced around the floor, whirling and swinging to the music. I had a little trouble with the footwork, but I quickly realized that it really wasn’t important, and I was really getting into the knack of following Josh’s lead. He really was a terrific dancer, and following him seemed so natural to me. When I whirled I noticed that my dress was swinging high and wide. I remembered seeing dresses on girls do that and I had always thought it would feel neat, and I’d been right. I began trying to see how high it would go. It never even occurred to me that I was probably displaying my panties to any who cared to look.

“I got a confession to make,” Josh said suddenly as we danced. I froze! I guess my entire body stiffened because he felt my back tighten where he was holding me. In my mind I was thinking he was going to say he didn’t like girls or something like that. But he continued. “Please don’t hate me,” he said when he sensed my nervousness. “It’s just that... well... I dunno, I guess it’s just that I usually don’t like girls ‘cause they’re so goofy, especially younger girls. But you’re so... so different! I guess I really don’t like younger boys either ‘cause they’re even more goofy. Girls are always giggling about nothing and boys are always wanting to fool around and punch each other an’ stuff. But I like you! You’re so... so serious!”

“I like you too,” I said before I realized what I was saying. “I love dancing with you. I’ve never danced with anyone before except in ballet... no one ever wanted to dance with me.”
“What about Gail?” he asked. “Does she take ballet?”
“Yes, but she’s not into it like I am. She tried it for a couple months but she just didn’t like it all that well. She told me she might not go back in the fall. I was disappointed ‘cause Gail’s really cool, an’ I was hoping she could be my partner.” Too late I realized what I’d said.
“Your partner? But she’s a girl! I thought you would need a boy partner.”
“Well...” I stammered, “I... I sorta... well... I usually dance a boy’s part. I mean there’s always a shortage of boys in ballet class so they get me to dance the boy’s part.” I hated lying, but it would all be over soon enough. Only one more day as a girl and then I’d tell him the truth. And it was true, I did usually dance a boy’s part. After all, up until today I had always been a boy.

“I can’t imagine why they’d have you dance a boy’s part,” Josh said as he pulled me a little closer. “I mean, you’re so... so nice and... and you should be a girl all the time. I mean...” he was stumbling and stammering, trying to find the right words. “I... oh, I dunno, Christine, you’re just such a nice girl, and so pretty! It’d be a shame to turn you into a boy. You’re all girl! I mean, most girls wear pants or shorts all the time, and they don’t look like girls at all!”

We danced every dance that night. At his mother’s prompting Josh asked Gail to dance, but she declined. I was so thankful! We didn’t talk much more, each it seemed deep in thought. Suddenly, for perhaps the first time in my life, I was very aware of my genitals, and of Josh’s. I pictured him naked. Please understand this wasn’t an erotic thought, just a thought that went through my head. As he stood there before me in my mind, his most secret body parts showing predominantly, everything just seemed to fit. I pictured myself standing beside him. Something wasn’t right. I mean, those things that were on my body that were the same as Josh’s just didn’t seem to belong there! All of a sudden (and this wasn’t the first time in my life) I hated my genitals! If only I’d been born without them!

There had been countless times, as long as I could remember, when my little wee-wee had stiffened and stood straight out. It was so embarrassing! Every morning it was sticking out of my pajamas, in fact it often found the opening and stuck straight out! Then there were the times at school when it would grow. It seemed that one of the boys would always notice, then everyone would laugh. It happened to other boys too, but they seemed to take it so much more in stride. But when it happened to me, I wanted to die! It was so... so humiliating!

I had always worn boxer style bathing suits because my penis was less evident than in a speedo style suit, at least when it wasn’t standing up. But even then when it came to life, I felt as if the whole world was staring at it and laughing. Even my family, it seemed to me, were painfully aware that I had those things and were watching their every move. I had never shared this information with anyone of course, but even with boxer bathing suits I was uncomfortable. I just felt horribly self conscious with my upper body bared. In my mind I “looked like a girl,” except of course for that ugly protrusion that seemed to delight in embarrassing me. So I just avoided wearing bathing suits altogether whenever I could, and I never ever went shirtless no matter how hot it got. When Gail and I bathed together, which we still did from time to time, I would regard Gail’s smooth genital area with envy; not desire, ENVY! To me it seemed so much less complicated! If only I had been born that way! These thoughts had always been more or less unconscious until now. But as I glided around the dance floor in Josh’s arms, my ten year old hero, I became painfully aware that this was all a dream and would soon be over. Oh, why did I have to have those things?

“Last dance!” the DJ called, breaking me out of my reverie. “We’ve got two young lovers here tonight,” he continued, “and I mean REALLY young! This is for all you young lovers no matter what your age, so everybody on the floor!” A slow tune started, a song I recognized instantly. It was from a Disney movie that I’d seen recently:

When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are.
When you wish upon a star,
Your dreams come true...

“Christine,” Josh said, “are you crying? Did I do something?” In fact my eyes had filled with tears without my even noticing. I had pulled closer to Josh and rested my head on his shoulders. He was so tall and strong and... and so much the boy I knew I would never be! He had told me as we danced that he liked playing baseball and soccer and basketball, all sports that every boy likes to play; that is every boy except me! I was no good at any of them and didn’t care! I would much rather be playing dolls or card games with Gail, or reading, writing, or dancing... anything except all those things that I was supposed to like.

“I’m sorry, Josh,” I said. “No, I’m not crying. I was just thinking...”
“Thinking what?” He was obviously puzzled.
“I dunno... it’s just that... this is such fun, I wish it wasn’t the last dance. I’m just hoping we can be good friends, but I’m afraid...”
“I think we’re already good friends,” he assured me.
“Yeah,” I said as I sniffled just a little, “but... but you don’t know anything about me...”
“I know all I need to know. I’ve never liked a girl before, ‘cept my sister that is. But I really like you. You’re... well, you’re so... so ALL GIRL! But you’re not goofy like other girls. You’re really sweet!”
I looked up into Josh’s face, but I didn’t see him. I looked beyond, into the clear Carolina sky. There were a billion stars shining down on us, but I didn’t see them either. I focused on one star; a very bright one. It seemed to me to be shining directly on Josh and me. Eight years trying to get it right as a boy had ended in dismal failure, but only a few hours as a girl and already I had the most gorgeous young adonis in the world telling me I was ALL GIRL!

...When you wish upon a star...

When you’re eight years old, the line between fantasy and reality is a very fuzzy one. When you’re eight years old, wishes still come true; there are still kings and knights and princesses. Fairy godmothers are still real; if you’re lucky, so is Santa Claus and elves and fairies. I thought about the movie. In my mind, Pinocchio was a real puppet who, after learning the merits assigned to him, became a real boy. In my eight year old mind this had really happened, as a result of a wish on a star! So why not me? I looked at the star again and I made my wish.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” a voice in my ear said.
“Huh?”
“The sky,” Josh said. “I love watchin’ the stars. Not very boyish, I suppose. Maybe I shoulda been a girl, ‘cause I love looking at the stars.”
“No way you shoulda been a girl,” I replied. There it was again! I was having that weird feeling, and wishing... wishing what? And who was that talking? Certainly it couldn’t be me, could it? I mean, I was an eight year old kid! And in the past hour I had decided in my wisdom that Joshua Reynolds was all boy and that was the way it should be, that Christine Elliot was all GIRL, and that too was the way it should be! Silly? Oh yeah! Big time! But it was nice to pretend for a while, and it was a good way to ease the pain and embarrassment of being a little boy in a dress, or even worse, a little boy who couldn’t catch a ball or toss a football.

“You two were so cute!” Mrs. Reynolds exclaimed when we returned to the table.
“Aw, Mom!” Josh said self consciously. “We were havin’ fun! Do ya have to go and spoil it by saying we were cute?” I didn’t say anything. I had felt something of a thrill at the comment.

“Oh my goodness, look at the time!” Aunt Julia exclaimed. “We’ve got to get two girls into bed or they’ll sleep all day tomorrow.”
“So?” Amanda queried. “We’re on vacation! Josh and I always sleep late up here.”
“Be that as it may,” Mom said, “it’s past 11. Time for our two to get into bed. Thanks for everything, Karen. See you tomorrow.”

Bedtime! I knew what that meant. More borrowed clothes. Gail, as usual, was thinking along the same lines. “I got a pair of pajamas that look a lot like yours,” she said to me as we walked back to the camper, “except that... well, they’re kinda girlish looking. But at least they’re cotton.”
“I’d rather have one of your nighties, if that’s ok,” I replied. Then sensing the sharp look I was getting from my mom, I added “I think it’ll be cooler. It’s still pretty hot.”
“You can sleep in your underwear if you want,” Mom offered.
“Mom!” I scolded.
“You do at home half the time. I don’t see...”
“In briefs, yeah! But I don’t wear pink panties at home.”

Mom didn’t answer. Soon I was pulling my sun dress over my head and off, and anxiously awaiting Gail’s choice for a nightie for me. She produced a beautiful pastel green nylon one with green and blue birds all over it. It had a second layer, which was what I learned later was called “sheer.” Like the sun dress I’d been wearing, it had a full skirt, but it was floor length. The bottom three inches had a ruffled trim, as did the top edge. The inch or so wide straps were lace. It was very feminine, and I couldn’t wait to wear it. “That’s pretty girlish, don’t you think?” Aunt Julia said to Gail.
“It’s ok, Aunt Julia,” I said nobly. “Nobody’s gonna see me anyway. Thanks Gail.”

Standing in the moonlight outside the camper in just panties, I slipped into the nightie. There it was again! That feeling! As the sheer material slipped down over my torso I could feel the light friction as it fell into place. It was a feeling that I’d been waiting for my entire life! I had never realized it, but the sensation of that silky material against my bare skin filled me with a sense of fulfillment.

“Bathroom first,” Aunt Julia reminded. I headed for the trees as Gail started for the washroom building; then I remembered that girls don’t just whip out their thingy and pee in the trees, so I ran after Gail. “Wait for me,” I called, and we both ran laughing and giggling to the washroom. We each chose a stall and went in and closed the door. I pulled up my nightie and slipped my panties down, then sat down and peed in the toilet as if I’d been doing it all my life.

“You asleep?” I whispered when Gail and I were snuggled in our sleeping bag. We were sharing one adult sized bag - our choice!
“Uh-uh,” she answered.
“Gail,” I whispered, “can I... I mean... can I do something?”
“Like what?”
“You remember when we bathed together, how you wanted to touch me... I mean... my... you know...”
“Your penis?” she said a little more loudly than I would have preferred.
“Shhhhh!” Yeah. You remember?”
“Uh-huh. It was really weird!”
“Can I... can I touch you... uhhh... can I touch you there?”
“Sure, if you want to. It’s only fair, but I got no...”
“I know. I was just curious what it would feel like to have nothin’ there.”
“It’s ok, Chris. You can touch if you like.”
“You can touch me if you like,” I offered.
“No thanks!” she replied.
“Yeah,” I agreed, “It’s kinda gross, isn’t it?”

I tentatively slipped my hand under her nightie and into her panties. Gail softly slipped her panties down to allow me better access. My hand wandered into her crotch. There was nothing there! It was totally smooth, except for a small crack. It felt so incredibly heavenly! This was what everyone should be like down there! Nothing sticking out, nothing hanging down always getting in the way, nothing to hurt like fury when you get a ball or a knee in the crotch, or slip off a bicycle pedal. “It’s beautiful!” I whispered as I withdrew my hand. “Thanks, Gail.”
“You can touch it again if you like.”
“Thanks. I was just curious. I wish I was smooth like that.”
“Maybe you can be,” she observed.

“What’s it like?” I asked. “I mean, you know, bein’ a girl all the time. What’s it like?”
“I dunno, Chris. I guess I never really thought about it. But I know it feels awful good when folks talk about how pretty I am.”
“You ARE pretty, Gail,” I said, and I meant it.
“So are you,” she answered.
“But I’m not supposed to be pretty.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s so stupid! I don’t mind telling anybody that you’re pretty!”
“You better not! I’d never live that down. As it is most o’ the boys think I’m weird. If they heard someone sayin’ I’m pretty, they’d think I was a freak or something.”
“You can’t tell me you didn’t like it when everybody said you were pretty today.”
“It felt kinda weird, but yeah, I liked it. It made me feel all... I dunno... I just felt all funny inside, like I was likin’ something that I shouldn’t be liking.”

I felt Gail’s hand running through my hair. “Mom told me never to tell you she said this,” she said absently as she combed my hair with her fingers.
“Tell me what?”
“She said you’d be mad.”
“I won’t be mad, Gail. What did your mom say?”
“She said... she said it was a downright sin, having such beautiful hair on a boy. She said you’d never appreciate that hair like a girl would.”
“I love my hair! An’ I take care of it too!”
“Yeah, you do now. But mom said sooner or later you’d get it cut off, an’ she said that was gonna make her cry.”
“Cry?”
“Uh-huh. I think I’ll cry too, Chris. You really are pretty, even when you’re not wearin’ girls clothes.” Then seconds later, after she slipped her panties back up she was asleep. I lay awake for a while, totally in awe of the sensation of my cousin’s totally uncomplicated “down there” area.

As I lay awake, savoring what I had just felt and wondering what I might do to be the same, I heard my mom and Aunt Julia talking. One thing about being in a tent: people outside can be heard plain as day. “What have I done?” I heard my mom say.
“You mean about Chris?” Aunt Julia responded. Mom must have nodded. “I think you have made one little boy very happy. He and Josh had the time of their lives dancing.”
“Too good a time,” my mom said. “Julia, am I turning my son into a girl?”
“Of course not! It’s just the novelty, finding another child who enjoys dancing, making new friends. He’ll get over it. Besides, you heard what Karen said about it being nigh impossible to change, I mean really change, the gender of a person.”
“But if she’s right, that means...”
“It means what it means. But I think Karen’s right, that we should just play along. Besides, you’re taking him in to get him some boy’s clothes day after tomorrow, right? He’ll soon be the same adorable little boy he’s always been and the entire incident will be forgotten.”
“You think so?”
“I know so! So let’s just go to bed, ok? Those kids’ll be up at the crack of dawn.”

“But... I just can’t stop thinking about how pretty he was today,” my mom said. “I mean, he was beautiful!”
“He is anyway, Susan. But I have to admit, he seemed to take to that dress a lot more easily than I ever thought he would. I know he’s been having a really difficult time lately in school. I’ve noticed quite a change in him over the past few months. But today, he was his old cheerful, sunny self. Did you notice him singing while he and Gail were playing?”
“Actually I did,” Mom said. “I was thinking, that’s the first time I’ve heard him just start singing out of the blue like that for over a year.”
“Sounded good, didn’t it?” Aunt Julia said. If Mom answered, I didn’t hear what she said.

I lay there thinking about what the two women had said. Was Aunt Julia right? Would I get over these feelings? Would I tire of this just like I’d tired of wearing diapers? But that was totally different, wasn’t it? Or was it? Maybe somewhere deep down I wanted to be a baby again so I could have another chance at coming up different - as a girl! Maybe...

My hand wandered down my torso, down to the bottom of my nightie. It felt so totally incredible! My hand wandered up again, against my bare legs to my panties. They were tight - so tight that what was inside blended into my body in a wonderful way! It was almost as if they weren’t there at all! I slipped the panties down and fondled myself. TOTALLY DISGUSTING! I thought of Josh. I knew he had similar equipment, and for him that was ok. On him it fit... it was right! But on me it was all wrong!

As I lay there thinking, visions of Pinocchio in my head, dreams coming true, wishes made upon a star being granted, I felt as if I wanted to cry, but at the same time I felt so incredibly comfortable! I pulled the panties back up, getting them as high as I could. I arranged things inside and then ran my hand over the outside. It was true! Everything seemed to disappear! Satisfied, I pulled the nightie down, savoring the soft silky feel of it against my skin, and I drifted off to sleep - a deep, peaceful sleep.

To be continued...