Kate Stoker loves her husband, Roger, but he can be so irritating.
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Mark II Man by Kortpeel ________________________________________________________________ Much as she loved him Kate Stoker had to admit that her husband Roger could be irritating. She tried to think why. What was it about him that exasperated her so? There were lots of small things like leaving up the toilet seat, not putting the cap back on the toothpaste, not washing his hands properly so that he dirtied the towels. There were things that he didn't notice. He never remembered what she wore, didn't remember to compliment her on a new hair-do, would eat the meals she served but not remember to tell her how he'd enjoyed them. He was insensitive to her moods. He would only get upset when something upset him. He didn't seem to understand that you could be emotionally brittle for no reason at all: just because you were you and were having that sort of a day. Perhaps it was that assumption, utterly unjustified, of innate superiority that he had. Not that he'd ever say so. He probably wasn't even aware of it in himself. It was just apparent in everything he said and did. He could cope with situations. Like the time that a telephone salesperson wanted to sell them fitted carpets at 50% off and wouldn't take no for an answer. Roger had simply taken the phone from her, politely said "No thank you" and hung up. Kate had been trying to do just that for at least five minutes. Things that she dreaded or had to work herself up to do, Roger would just do without any effort. And that was irritating. At the same time she was glad he was like that. It was so useful to have him around. She acknowledged that she needed him and that in itself was irritating. Why can't I do the things he does? Physical strength things were fair enough and didn't bother her. She was quite happy for him to twist open a tightly screwed on jar top. Men were meant to be strong. But why did they have to assume that sort of macho arrogance because of it? And didn't Roger eat what he liked, as much as he like while she, Kate, carefully counted every calorie? He didn't put on weight. Perhaps worst of all was his lack of conscience. For Kate, the slightest sin of omission was a source of endless guilt and self recrimination. For Roger, when she had drawn any shortcoming to his attention, there would be an expression of unfelt regret and then he'd forget it. He shrugged it off so easily. Perhaps for Kate the last straw was when they walked home late one night from a party at Liz and Jim's place. They'd both had too much to drink so the two mile stroll home should have done them good. At the half way stage they both had full bladders. It was a quiet spot and Roger simply peed against a tree and was ok. It was different for Kate. She struggled over rough ground, in the darkness and knew that her shoes were ruined before she'd gone a few yards. Something ripped her dress too. This was the first time she'd worn it. Eventually she made it to a concealing bush and crouched. "Good evening Sir." Oh God! It was a policeman on his beat. He must have seen Roger standing there for no apparent reason in the middle of the night and was, quite naturally, suspicious. "Good evening, Constable." "Out for a stroll are we, Sir?" "Sort of. Actually I'm ever so slightly pissed so we left the car with some friends and we're walking home." "'We' Sir?" "Me and the missus, Constable. Got caught short." "Ah I see. Well good night Sir. Safe walk home." Kate had finished her pee but she remained frozen in position. She had never felt so humiliated. There was no one to see her thank heaven but to be discussed like that with a complete stranger … "You ok there Kate?" Roger called out after a while. Roger's voice unfroze her. "Yes." She stood and kicked off her panties. She been leaking and they were wet. She couldn't face pulling them up. Kate instinctively straightened her skirt and made her way back over the rough ground to Roger. "Guess what: a copper suspected me of loitering with intent." "I heard. I left my knickers behind." "Why?" "They'd got wet." "Oh. I'll get them for you." "No, don't -" But Roger had gone. It was only a few seconds and he was back with the panties. "There's no need to -" "Bugger that. Someone's gonna find them. I'm not having some pervert sniffing my wife's knickers." Kate loved that touch of gallantry even as she resented the humiliation that went with it. They walked on home arm in arm. A few days later Kate discussed her husband's irritating ways with Maisie, her friend next door. She told Maisie about the policeman episode. "It's not fair. Why should we women be subject to that kind of embarrassment? How come men get away with it all the time?" "Cos they all have penises, of course. Don't you know, Kate? It's the ultimate status symbol." "I suppose it is. But they wouldn't be much use to us without it." Maisie considered that. "True. Pity though that you can't have the one without all the other nonsense that goes with it." "I do so agree. Then you would have the perfect man." For some reason the thought stayed in Kate's mind over the next few days. She didn't mention it to Roger who blithely continued to be his darling irritating cocky self. It was a few weeks later when Kate said to Roger "Seeing as you have the day off. why not come with me to the gynaecologist?" "What for?" "Just a routine check up." "No, why do you want me there?" "It won't take long and we could have lunch after." "Ok." After an hour of looking at the underwear ads in the magazines and being stared at by women who wondered what a man was doing in a gynaecologist's waiting room, Roger was wishing that he was elsewhere. Visions of a long cool beer tormented him. A woman with a clipboard came up to him. "Mr. Stoker?" "Yes?" "I'm Dr. Harker. We need your approval for a minor procedure that Mrs. Stoker wants done." Dr. Harker offered the clipboard with the authorisation document on it to Roger. "What minor procedure? What's wrong with Kate?" "Oh it really is minor. Just a small thing to make life a little easier for Kate." The answer raised visions of yucky obstetrics in Roger's mind. He really didn't want to know. He signed the form. "When should I come to collect Kate?" "Oh it's not worth leaving. Would you like a cup of coffee?" The coffee tasted marvellous but he still felt sleepy, as one does during a long boring wait. "Would you come through please, Mr. Stoker." Roger followed Dr. Harker through into the examination room. Kate was there, looking great and fully dressed. "Oh! Gosh I feel tired." Roger closed his eyes for a moment to wipe away the exhaustion. When he opened them he was in a hospital bed in pyjamas. He saw Kate was there on vigil. "Hi darling. How're you feeling." "I feel Ok. What am I doing here?" "Recovering from your minor procedure." "What minor -? I don't understand. What have they done to me?" Roger stopped when he saw Dr. Harker approaching. After the usual pleasantries Dr. Harker explained it to Roger. "It's simply a minor body modification. We've disconnected your urethra from your penis and rerouted it to an outlet behind your testicles." Roger's mouth opened and closed but no sound came out. "So your penis is now purely a recreational organ, rather like a clitoris." "Bloody hell! So how do I pee?" "Oh you just crooky down like most people do on this planet. It's easy enough. Kate will show you how." "Shit!" "Defecation is completely unaffected." Some months later, after Roger had got used to his modification and no longer needed to wear a sanitary pad to soak up leakage, Kate told him that the procedure was reversible. She was so glad when he decided to stay with the modification and not have it reversed. She really loved her Mark II man the way he now was. End