My True Story

My wife Beth and I have been married for 14 years now. We had sex every day at the beginning of our marriage, but even then I didn’t feel that I could satisfy her completely, in the sense of bringing her to orgasm until she was satisfied. She would have intercourse with me and then give herself orgasms with her hand afterwards. She also has never been able to have orgasms as a result of my giving her oral sex, but would always climax herself manually later. I was grateful that she did not act like this was a problem, and was content that she just gratified herself after I was done. She always said that it was difficult for her to have orgasms.

Several years ago, I began losing my erections during intercourse, and because of my impotence problems, and loss of sex drive, we went for quite a while to marriage counseling and sex therapy. These experiences helped us to communicate about our problems, and all aspects of our relationship, but they really did not help our physical problems. We did all of the things that the therapists asked us to do, including my trying to satisfy my wife with oral sex, and strap-ons, and watching sex videos, and massage, etc. But at the end, she was never satisfied by me, and I just felt more humiliated. During the therapy, Beth said that the only way she had ever had really good, easy orgasms was with a man who was able to give her deep, strong, long penetration in intercourse. And it was obvious to me that I wasn’t the man, and that I had never been able to do that.

After we stopped going to the sex therapy and marriage counseling, Beth confided to me that she loved me and wanted to be with me, but that she would like to find a man that she could have a physical relationship with. She said that she didn’t intend to fall in love, or to have emotional entanglements, but that she thought if she could just be with someone sexually once a week, it would satisfy her physical desire for a sex life. Of course I was very hurt and threatened by this, and I doubted that she could have sexual relations with a man without developing emotional feelings for him, but she insisted that she could, and that she wanted to stay with me.

We argued about this, and discussed it, and I cried a lot for a while, but I knew there was nothing I could do to stop her if she decided to do it. I felt that unless I agreed to accept it, she would probably just do it behind my back. Then, a few months ago, Beth told me she had met a man that she wanted to have sex with, and she asked me to agree to her going out with him. She said she had confided to him something of our problems, and that he had asked her to go out with him. She said she had told him that she would, because she felt I had already given my acceptance to the situation in our talks on the subject.

I’m 51, and this man is about 20 years younger than me, is divorced, and according to Beth, is someone who is not a promiscuous kind of person and will not cause any problems for me or for our marriage. She says he is a divorced person, who is very involved in his work, owns a small business, and that he understands and appreciates her situation, and appreciates the no-strings arrangement just as much as she does. She says that their relationship is just for sex, and at this point, I know that she would not give it up. She does seem much happier now, and less tense and nervous. So I have decided that the only thing I can do now is try to accept it, because I really don’t want to lose her completely.

After Beth began her relationship with this younger man, I seriously began considering getting a bilateral orchiectomy. I have several reasons for wanting this surgery: I am 51 years old, and have had very low sex drive and impotence for several years. I also have had many episodes of painful epididymitis, and my father had radical surgery for prostate cancer when he was 60. My wife also wants very much for me to have the operation, since we no longer have sexual relations, and she is having relations with another man. We both believe that it could prolong my life because removing the testes slows down the development of prostate cancer (my psa score goes up every year). And we also have read that it would eliminate my frequent scrotal discomfort from the epididymitis.

Beyond the health aspect though, my wife feels that it would help me to adapt better to the non-sexual relationship between us, and to her relations with the other man. We're good companions, but my wife is 42 and, we both think that perhaps I would be more comfortable with her situation if I were not producing the testosterone, and was on the estrogen and anti-androgen therapy men take after this kind of surgery. She thinks that I would not feel so jealous and unhappy when I know she is with him, or when she does not come home some nights, and that we could live together more comfortably just as loving companions if I didn't have the male hormones affecting my feelings toward her and her other relationship.

I have the idea that the change in my hormones might make it possible for us to live together as though we were sisters, rather than for me to continue to feel like a jealous husband even though things have changed so much. I would like that, if the change would make me feel more serene that way. I love her and want for us to be together always, and so having a bilateral orchiectomy seems like something that might help me to be able to adjust to our very changed situation.

So far I haven’t taken any steps toward actually having the surgery done, because I feel very embarrassed about my situation and motives, and, frankly, I haven’t had the nerve to go to a doctor and discuss it with him. I have the idea that I might be able to find a woman who would do it for me. I’m not looking for anything sexual in getting this surgery from a woman, but I would much rather submit to a woman doing it, rather than a man. That’s just how I feel. I have discussed this a lot with Beth, and I feel that I could discuss it with another woman, but that I would feel just too humiliated to talk to a man about this.

I read the post by Olivia, the photographer, who said that she has been fascinated since she was a young woman by the idea of seeing men castrated. In some way, her story inspired me to tell about my situation too. It made me think that there probably are women out there somewhere, perhaps physicians or nurses, who have the knowledge and the motivation to castrate a person like me.

Another consideration is the cost, because I’m sure our health insurance will not cover this surgery. I would like to have it done properly by a woman, or women, who have some medical knowledge and experience of how to do the medical operation. I told my wife that I was going to post this account about our situation, and she said, “Go ahead, maybe there’s a society of feminist nurses or someone who will do it for you free.” She is serious about wanting me to do it, and I am too, but I’m also a bit afraid of course. From what I’ve read though, about the hormonal changes that would occur, I think I would probably be happier if I had this done, and maybe healthier too.