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The morning was nearly unbearable. A tropical storm had passed over Gastern Island two days before and the humidity was so oppressive, not to mention that with all that rain the mosquitoes had multiplied ten times overnight. When you went outside, it was like it was snowing ash there were so many bugs. I was lying in my twin bed under the window in the bedroom I shared with my little brother Brendan, who was still asleep. The night had been awful who can sleep when youre sweating so much that the sheets stick to you like glue. Finally in a fit of rage, I had thrown the sheets in a pile on the floor, but it must have been 3 a.m. before I got smart. Brendan was smart from the beginning. He never even put sheets on his bed. He never did. As I looked over at him sleeping peacefully, I noticed almost every inch of his body was covered with red whelps from mosquito bites. I also noticed that all five inches of his cock were rock hard and jutting up toward the ceiling fan. I wondered what he was dreaming about. I hoped it wasnt about Stephen. It was three nights before the night before the big storm that Brendan had gone down to the abandoned lifeguard tower with me to meet Stephen. Three nights. Had it really been three nights? Three nights since the boy that I loved told me he was having his penis removed. As that thought floated through my head, it felt like another squall was approaching, but when I looked out the window the sky was clear blue. As I lay there, staring up at the whirring ceiling fan, my mind wandered. As the blades spun, I imagined the fan dropping slowing from the ceiling over Brendans sleeping body. The blades transformed from painted particle board to razor sharp stainless steel as they moved closer to my brother. His was lying flat on his back, his body horizontal, all except for his straining prick which seemed to be reaching up toward the spinning blades. As metal and meat made contact, I realized I had been stroking my cock. It was all I could do to get to the bathroom in time before I brought up the stone crab we had for dinner the night before. Tears were streaming down my face as my Mom knocked on the door asking if I was alright. What was wrong with me? Was I really that much of a freak that I was jerking off thinking about my brother getting mutilated? I had never for a second felt guilt about being gay Mom and Dad sat me down when I was six years old and explained that some people liked people who were different from them, and some people liked people who were the same. They used their own genitals as visual aids and went on to explain that there was nothing wrong with liking one set more than the other. In fact, they encouraged me to experiment with both kinds to find out which I liked better. Not that I ever did. I already knew which ones I liked better. But this was different. How could I take pleasure in the fantasy of causing my brother pain? Sure the little guy was a pain in the ass, a royal pain in the ass, but I loved him. After about five minutes of enjoying the cold tile and porcelain of the bathroom floor, I finally managed to stand up and make my way out to the great room of our beach house. Rob, are you alright, Mom asked again. Yeah, that crab just didnt sit well with me, I guess. Maybe youre allergic like your cousin Francis. He cant eat any seafood at all now, isnt that right Robert? Thats right Lissa, My Dad answered, but I dont think Robs allergic. He eats shellfish all the time and has never had a problem before. He must have just gotten a hold of a bad claw. Maybe youre right, Robert, but I still want him to be careful until were sure. My Dad rolled his eyes, and their banter faded into the background as I walked to the screen door and looked down the beach at the tower where I had made love for the first time. Was Stephen alright? Had he gone through with his penectomy? I wanted to see him so badly, to hold him, to be held by him. Once I started thinking about what he would look like without his cock, I started crying. I just couldnt control it. In an instant, my Moms arms were around me, Its alright, sweetie, youre Father is right. I dont think youre allergic either. Its nothing to worry about. I pushed away from the clammy feeling of her arms. No! You dont understand. Whats wrong, Son, my Dad asked, kneeling in front of me. Whats happened to get you this upset? Is it something to do with that boy Stephen you saw the other night? Dont worry about him. There are lots of other boys here on the Island. Anyway, I thought you liked Peter Andrews back home. He looked up into my eyes with honest concern. I rarely got upset at all and never this upset. I cant talk about it. No, please dont make me. Stephen was going to cut off his cock, Brendan yawned as he opened the refrigerator and took a big swig out of the orange juice carton. All the commotion must have gotten him awake. God knows, nothing else would. My parents were both staring a hole through Brendan, speechless at his comment. Yeah, before he fucked Rob, he told him he was having his cock cut off the next day. I thought it was a pretty cool idea, but I think Robs throwing a fit over it. Hes been depressed ever since. What do you know about it, shit head, I spit at Brendan. Thats not the way to talk to your brother, my Mom shot back. Apologize. Im sorry, Bren. I know you didnt mean anything. I just feel so sick about all of this. My Dad put his arm around me and led me to the couch. Now lets all just sit down and take this one step at the time. Tell us what happened. My parents sat on either side of me on the couch, and Brendan sat in the chair facing us. I didnt know how I was going to do this. How could I talk about Stephen when it was so personal? All three of them were looking at me intently. I could see that Brendan was dying to tell the story himself. Finally, after endless clumsy grasping for a way to start, I was able to speak. It all started when Stephen took me under the stairs of the lifeguard tower . After about thirty minutes of running at the mouth like a chatty girl, the tale was finally told. Brendan was casually stroking his penis, his eyes closed. Mom was chewing her fingernails, which she only did when she was nervous. Dad was scratching his chin, in deep thought, though even he was aroused. Dont everyone speak up at once! I was so surprised that no one knew what to say. As I had told them what happened, I became more and more confident that my parents would know how to make things right. Now they were both mute! My Dad looked at me eye to eye. You havent told us everything, have you Rob? I know what happened with Stephen was shocking, but thats only half the story. What have you been thinking about since then? How does it make you feel? I shouldnt have been surprised since my Dads a psychiatrist, but it still unnerved me that he could see right through me like that. Its complicated, Dad. I know, Rob, it always is when youre talking about your feelings. When he first told me what he wanted, I was so scared. I just wanted to run away as far and as fast as I could, but something held me there. I love him, Dad. As he told me more about it and I felt him playing with my balls, all I could think about what how much I wanted to share everything about him. I want to smell like him; I want to be a part of him and have him be a part of me; I want to be with him every minute of every day. But part of me wanted to hurl. When he squeezed my balls and I came thinking about not having a cock, that part of me went away. All I cared about was Stephen and being with him, being WITH him. When he was inside me, I was the happiest Ive ever been. I didnt care what else happened after that, because I was complete. When he pulled out, part of me wanted to die right there and then because I knew we could never be together like I wanted. I want him inside me again. I paused to blow my nose and wipe my face before I started again. When he left, that part of me that wanted to hurl came back. I was still rock hard, still excited, and not only because wed just fucked, but also because Stephen was having his cock removed. I think thats what made me want to throw up, that it made me even harder knowing that the boy I loved was going to have it done. Im such a sick twisted freak. My Mom pulled me to her, hugging me. Now, now, Rob, theres nothing wrong with what youre feeling. Sexuality is a mine field of emotions, and its so easy to become confused by the different signals you are getting from your body and your heart. My Mom was a psychologist who shared my Dads practice. But thats not all, Mom. I am a freak! This morning . Sobbing, I couldnt speak. I looked up at Brendan who was sitting forward with worry in his eyes. He had stopped stroking his cock when I got so upset. Give him a minute, Lissa. This is hard for the boy. My Dad seemed to already understand. This morning, when I woke up, I started watching Bren sleeping. I glanced at my brother whose eyes were huge, his hand back on his cock, but I was too embarrassed to look him in the face for long. I started jerking off imagining imagining him losing his cock. I collapsed into my Moms arms crying my eyes out. Shh shh its going to be alright, she reassured, her arms holding and rocking me like she did when I was little. Rob, is that why you got sick this morning? Dad always got right to the point. He was kneeling on the floor right in front of us, his hand smoothing the dark hair away from my face. Yes I managed tentatively. You felt ashamed? Yes . I think I understand. My Fathers strong arms pulled me up on my feet and wrapped me in a loving hug. As I wept uncontrollably, he held me close. Dont be ashamed. Never be ashamed because of what you want sexually. Your sexual urges are natural its just your body trying to tell you what it wants. Havent your Mother and I always told you that? Now let it all out, let that shame float away on the sea breeze. But I wanted to hurt Bren, I stammered. No you didnt, you were just excited by the idea. Theres nothing wrong with being excited by an idea. You didnt hurt your brother, did you? No Then see, you didnt do anything wrong. It was just a fantasy, and fantasies never hurt anyone. It wasnt just a fantasy for Stephen. He was going to hurt himself. How do you know that for sure? First, how do you know it wasnt just his fantasy? Second, if he did have the penectomy the next day, how do you know he was hurting himself? Did you ever stop to think that it was something he needed, something that his body was telling him to do? My Dad always had a way of crystallizing things for me. Somehow, I had stopped crying. I dont think it was a fantasy, Dad. I saw it in his eyes. I felt it when he was inside of me. He was completely serious. But now that I think back about what happened, he told me he needed it, that he couldnt live with himself if he didnt go through with it. Well, there you go, he wasnt hurting himself. He was just fulfilling a need that his body had. There are more boys and men than you would think who go through the same thing that Stephen is facing. Your Mother and I have seen it at work many times. Some boys simply feel they should have been born as girls. Others just feel disconnected from their penis and balls like they arent a natural part of their body. Still others develop a fantasy about penectomy or castration that their body eventually feels as a need. Theres nothing unnatural about it. Its just one variation on the theme that is human sexuality, a realm where nothing is black and white. He paused for a moment before continuing. Why dont you go get a shower? It will make you feel better, I promise. When youre done, why dont you go check on Stephen and see how hes recovering? Alright, I will. As I turned to start down the hall, I noticed my Mom and Dad looking at each other with concern. Brendan on the other hand, was licking cum off his fingers. ********** Once I got in the shower, I really did feel better. I had been a complete bum since arriving on the Island on Friday. With my antibacterial soap and spray deodorant back in my locker at school, I had pretty much given up trying to smell good for the trip. It doesnt make too much sense to take a shower every day when youre doing a lot of swimming and your parents demand that everything in the house has to be all natural. With the storm, Id spent the last two days mostly in my bedroom jerking off thinking about Stephen, and I smelled like it. It felt so good to have the warm water flow over my body, taking all the sand, oil, and scum with it. My Mom had made a body scrub from ground up apricot pits and yogurt, and I lathered it all over my body, scrubbing my skin. As I rinsed, I looked down at my crotch. My triangle of dark brown fur was matted slick by the water, revealing my soft cock and balls underneath. I imagined what I would look like without my penis: the spot where my penis now was had been grown over with hair, just two balls hanging below a forest of curly brown pubes. As if answering some primal call, my cock immediately filled with blood. I leaned back into the flow of warm water and was transported to that world Stephen and I created as we were making love. It was a world where anything was possible, a world where Stephen and I were alone to live life exactly as we wanted. We had spent the entire day on the beach, both of us tanned dark as berries. Returning to the beach house, we knew this was the night we had awaited for so long. Before we had headed out for the day, Stephen had made up our bed in the center of the room, covering it with satin sheets and silk pillows. I had pulled over an end table beside the bed and dressed it with the same cloth and a sheet of granite, making an altar for our ceremony. As Stephen lit candles around the room and on our bedside altar, I turned off all the lights and slipped our favorite romantic music into the stereo. Once the mood was set, we were on each other immediately. This was going to be the night when we promised ourselves to each other forever. As our bodies touched, we both slid onto the slick sheets losing ourselves completely in the moment. Lips united, tongues wrestling and exploring, our hands slipped up and down each others bodies greedily. Our mouths searched out every inch of our bodies, licking, sucking, and gnawing until every secret was revealed. We now knew every spot that caused us pleasure and every sensation that heightened our passion. It was then that I lay back against the silk pillows and pulled my legs up against my chest inviting Stephen inside me. As he pushed into my pucker, my head rolled back, my eyes closed, and I chewed my lip. The room was filled with that same musk of lovemaking that we created under the lifeguard tower that first time so long ago. Stephens moans and grunts of pleasure were pulling our souls together in perfect embrace. As he humped with greater intensity, we both lost ourselves completely in each other. After what seemed like an eternity of bliss, we both felt it, that electric charge when Stephens balls rose up, ready to pump their contents into me. And so we stopped. In one fluid motion, Stephen pulled out of me and stood before the altar. I eased myself to the edge of the bed, swinging my legs to the floor. As Stephen slowly lowered himself onto my lap, my cock spread him open rejoining us in our physical unity. We pulled our altar between his legs as he began to rise and fall on my cock in rhythm with our beating hearts. My left hand reached around his waist to pump his dripping hardness in time with our passion. My right hand unwrapped a parcel on the altar. Under the cloth was a knife: the blade was six inches long and razor sharp with a hilt of ivory carved into the shape of an erect phallus. Taking it in my right hand, I was ready for what was to come. The electric charge between us was building once more as I could feel his hole hungrily clinching against my cock. Sweat streamed from our bodies as I felt every muscle in Stephens body tense, and the electric aura around us discharged. As the first rope of thick cum jetted from his cock onto the granite of the altar, I began to cut with the knife. Shuddering in pleasure, Stephen humped me and the knife at the same time until finally his cock came free in my hand. As I lay his cock in the puddle of semen on the stone, something miraculous happened. I felt it pushing into me again, knowing Stephen would be inside me for the rest of time. Slowly, we switched positions. Sitting on his lap, I could feel his cock throbbing deep inside me, even though I could see it still hard and proud on the altar between my legs. As I rode his Cock, I watched as Stephen reached around and began to pump my penis with one hand, taking the knife in the other. I knew what was coming and wanted it more than anything I could imagine. The charge was building again, but this time it was my balls which were rising as his strong hand gripped me. I closed my eyes and put my hands behind my head, ready to make my sacrifice to our love. Suddenly, time seemed to slow. As my orgasm pulsed from deep within me, I felt the cum shooting out of me a millimeter at the time. As the first spurt of semen cleared my cock head, I felt the steel of our blade bite into my flesh. There wasnt pain as I expected, but I still felt the edge cutting through my cock as I pumped out my offering. Finally, as it came loose in Stephens hand and he lay it on the altar, I could feel my Cock pushing into his pucker. As I looked down, there was no blood, just our two dicks lying in a pool of our pleasure. But I could feel my Cock inside Stephen and his inside me. As my fantasy ended, I opened my eyes to see cum dripping down the tile wall of the shower. For a moment, I watched it curdle as it intermingled with the warm water. Looking down at my softening cock, I realized I was wasting time that I could be spending with Stephen. He might need me after what hed just been through. ********** Do you really think you ought to be encouraging the boy, Robert? You know what happened to that patient of yours last year. God, how I wish she wouldnt overreact to this. Its not like Rob said he wanted a penectomy himself. You know how I feel about things like this, Lissa. If we discourage it or make it sound taboo, the boy will just become more interested than he is already. In any event, what I told him was true: theres absolutely nothing wrong with having fantasies. Hey Dad, what happened to your patient? So Brendan was intrigued, too. I was going to have to tell them eventually, but it would be best to explain it to the boys together after Rob got back from visiting the other boy. Brendan, its a long story, and Id rather wait until Rob gets back so I only have to tell it once. In the meantime, how do you feel about all of this? I think its pretty cool, Dad. Do you think Stephen really had his cock cut off? I dont know, but well probably find out shortly. I wish I knew more about it. My cock is way too much fun to cut off, but the idea really sounds fun. Lissa was giving me a look that said, Dont you dare, but theres no harm in giving the boys more information. Theres a website called the Eunuch Archive with all sorts of information about penectomy and castration. Oh wow! Im going to the library to check it out. They have internet computers there, right? They sure do, Son, but they probably wouldnt like for you to look at sexually explicit websites there. Well go get a wireless modem for my laptop tomorrow so you boys can read up on the subject. Until then, you best just forget about it and go out and play. With a quick hug, Brendan was out the door running for the beach. Robert. Dont start, Lissa. Youre overreacting. This isnt any different from when they started masturbating. Its always an adjustment when you realize that your sons are growing up. This isnt any different; its just a little out of the ordinary. I chuckled at the way she was reacting. When we were first together she was the one that convinced me to adopt our code, and man she was a pistol back then. As I led her to the bedroom, I felt the juices flowing. Damn, she always had that effect on me, no matter what else was going on. ********** As I walked down the beach toward the house Stephen shared with his two buddies, those old butterflies were back in full force. I was so worried about how he was doing, even though a part of me was still hoping he had gotten cold feet. Either way, I was anxious to see, hear, smell, and taste him again. The humidity was still oppressive, but it didnt matter any more. I could have been walking through a wall of water and wouldnt have noticed it. My mind was still whirring over how my parents had reacted to our conversation. Mom still seemed a little bit uncertain about the whole thing, but all that Dad said had reassured me that there wasnt anything wrong with my feelings. Somehow our conversation made me comfortable enough to jerk off in the shower without a case of the dry heaves. More than anything I longed to return to our special world, whether Stephen still had a penis or not. Finally, I came to the boardwalk leading to the right house, and quickly made my way over the dunes and up the walk to the backdoor of the little bungalow. Knocking three times, I had to wait about five minutes for an answer. When the door opened, I was greeted by a very hung-over looking guy Stephen had introduced me to on the beach three days before. Hey Roger, is Stephen home. After a big yawn, Roger finally seemed to figure out who I was. Oh, youre that kid Stephen was hanging out with on the beach the other day. Yeah, thats me. We played Frisbee for a while on Friday. Right, then I bet he fucked you silly. Roger was grinning with this silly but still lascivious smirk. Anyhow, Stephens gone, kid. He left town this morning. Is he alright? Yeah, why wouldnt he be? How did you guys enjoy your day together? When he got back Saturday night he was pretty ragged out. Um . I just wasnt sure how to answer that. Yeah, we had a good time. Is Stephen coming back before he starts his summer job? Nah, he decided to go back home to Tampa. I dont think he was feeling too good. Some bug probably, or maybe it was just too many tequila shots. He grinned again and wiped the hair out of his bloodshot eyes. Oh wait, he left something for you. Hang on a sec. With that Roger left me at the door, my mind filled with worry. Our day together? Stephen mustve told his buddies we were going somewhere and then gone to the clinic instead. What worried me more, though, was that he had to go home because he was sick. Had something gone wrong? Did he need medical help? Was he upset? Whew, I found it. Fuck, I almost totally forgot where Stephen left it. Here goes. With that, he handed me an envelope. Whelp, kid, I guess thats about it. I dont know what the letter says, but my guess is you should count yourself lucky to have spent as much time with him as you did. Its not often that our bud Stevie can keep his attention on the same boy for more than an hour. Anyways, youll get over it. After the door closed, all I could think of was getting home so I could keep Stephens letter safe. With no pockets, not even a shirt or shorts, to carry the letter in, I ran all the way back to our beach house. ********** I was running down to the water like Mom and Dad wanted me to, but how could I put something like this out of my mind? This was the coolest thing Id ever heard of I mean a guy really having his dick cut off? I wondered how they did it, what it felt like. Did it hurt? Doctor Grayson back home was always so gentle. I bet it wouldnt hurt at all. I wished I could see someone get cut. That would be so awesome. As soon as I jerked off again, I was going to the library whatever Dad said about it. I kept running, woody in hand, right into the water. I swam out until I got waist deep. There were people all around me, but they were swimming or playing stupid games and didnt know what I was doing. It was hard to keep standing up when the waves knocked me over, but I was beating off hard under the water so I didnt care. Then I had an idea! I remembered watching those shows back home on the Discovery Channel about sharks. They could taste blood in the water from miles away. Could they taste cum, too? Sure they could! When a really big wave knocked me over hard, I didnt even notice. I was too busy imagining a baby shark swimming up between my legs. He was about three feet long one of those blue ones they show on T.V. all the time. He was kind of cute, but when he saw my cock he went right for it. I mean really, how could he help it? I had the best cock in the whole world. As the sharks mouth closed on my dick, I pumped my jizz into the water and floated back to the beach. Man, I just had to get to that library. What was it Dad called it? The Eunuch Archive, thats it! I ran like the wind so Mom and Dad wouldnt see me. It really wasnt too far. Just a couple or three blocks down the road, next to the gas station where we got ice cream. When I went through the revolving door at the front of the building, the cold air sent shivers all over my body. Whyd they keep it so cold? Everyone was naked anyway. Why were grownups always so silly? I couldnt help but laugh because I knew Id never answer that question. I was here to answer another question: how do guys get cut? ********** When I got back to our beach house, Mom and Dad were in their bedroom. I could hear them fucking, and it made me think about Stephen all the more. I headed straight to the bathroom, the only place in the house where I could have a little privacy, not to mention the fact that the heat and humidity had caught up to me on the way home and the bathroom was the coolest room in the house. I closed and locked the door, lowered the toilet lid, and sat down on the cool while plastic. I must have sat there for ten minutes looking down at the letter before I opened it. The first thing that struck me was that it smelled like Stephen. The second thing was that I could barely read the handwriting. Either he had really bad penmanship, or something was seriously wrong when he wrote the letter . Dear Rob: I am so sorry for dragging you in to my nightmare. You just looked so innocent and beautiful on the beach on Friday, and I was so lonely. I never thought I would go through with telling you about what I had planned. But when we were together, I felt like you were the only person who could understand. This burden has been so heavy for so long. I am sorry I was selfish. Please forgive me. Forgive me for my handwriting, too, but its hard to write because I feel like Im going to pass out every minute. Theres been a lot of blood today. Too much blood. I was supposed to stay overnight, but I couldnt stand it in the clinic another minute. All those tubes and the nurses picking at them. I cant stay here either. If I stay, Roger and Matt will get worried that I am sick and make me go to the hospital. More important, if I stay, I know you will come to see me, and I cant let that happen. I saw it in your eyes when we were together, Rob. If I stay, youll be at the clinic inside a week, and it will all be my fault. When I signed the papers with the doctor, they asked me for any special requests like a video tape. All I wanted was to see and hold it after they were done and I was awake. As soon as they brought it to me, I wanted to die. Ive made a horrible mistake. I begged them to put it back, but they said it was too late. It took six hours for the drugs to wear off and it was dead forever. I guess thats why I had to get out of there. I had to run from what I had done to myself. I wont let you do the same thing. You cant. Rob, I love you, and I dont want you to ruin your life like I have. Please dont try to find me. I dont know if I can go on living as it is, but I know it will kill me to hurt you. Stay away, Rob, stay away and stay whole. Find someone you can love and be happy. Stephen Garth I remember reading in a book somewhere about the world breaking and the sound that it made. Stephens letter fell from my hands, and the stiff paper made a sharp CRACK as it hit the tile floor. The sound I heard was the noise of my soul, my heart, my world breaking. |