I am older now. Older. Sometimes wisdom is derived from bad judgment. We are, after all, a product of the decisions we made. Mine were seldom good, and for years they were not mine to make. I am an eunuch. I am a former slave, now free to live out my days alone. I have been discharged. It is almost a relief as it is a deep loneliness and since of loss.

I sit at the bar, but across the room she sits. Antonia. She was my former owner and the holder of my sex. She sits alone now. Waiting. She waits for her next slave. Her next eunuch.

I was a young healthy seaman. 25 years old when I arrived here. I am not from Europe, I was from America (they say the states over here). I was here though, waiting for another ship to crew. That is our life. Work a ship to its destination and catch another. What a life, getting paid to see the world. I had heard of a ship heading to New York in 4 days. I was going to the docks the next day to file my papers but I decided to stop into this very bar 5 years ago to the night to get 1 more beer before bed.

She was there. At that very same table. She was drinking wine and smoking a cigarette that rested in a long black cigarette holder. She looked simply marvelous. I surveyed the room. There were the usual crowd of old drunken sailors, and some rather unsavory looking women and this old man at the bar. Sitting exactly where I am sitting now. He was crying. He looked up at me when I walked in. Our eyes met. Without a word, he got up and left. He walked right past me and vanished into the night.

So I sat here, right in this very seat and ordered a pint of the house brew. I could not see her from here but I could not help feeling her gaze. It cut right through me. Those eyes. Sometimes you know you are being watched. I turned. She did not turn away just kept the eyes fixed on me. They were like magnates. She raised her glass to her lips and sipped and set the glass down. Then it happened. She pointed at me then curled up her finger as if to summons me. ME!

There was this urge to run. But there also was this strange fascination that would not let me go. I got up and went to her table. She blew her smoke in my face. Then she laughed at me. "you cannot leave, you know. I will not let you"

"Ma’am, you are the most beautiful woman on the entire planet and I have seen the whole world"

"I bet you have my dear, but you have not seen the world until you have spent the night in my bed"

"I could not imagine what that would be like"

"How could you, I must be leaving, my boy but I will be back here in 2 days. Be here at 8pm sharp and I will take you for my slave. If you are 5 minutes late, you will never see me again." With that, she arose and left.

I must have sat there for an hour, but it probably was less than 5 minutes. I got up and staggered for the door. I was not drunk, but I did feel strange. I was walking to my hotel when the same old man I saw in the bar, grabbed my shirt. He just appeared from the shadows. I did not see him. I was startled.

But then I saw that he was crying. He looked up at me and the tears rolled down his eyes like waterfalls. He was old and dirty and hadn’t shaved for days.

"Do you want money, Old Man?" I asked.

"I don’t want your money. Money means nothing to me." He sobbed.

"Then what do you want?" I asked.

"I want nothing from you. But let me please have a minute of your time" he said, choking back the tears.

"I was a young man like you. I was handsome and healthy. I had my whole life ahead of me until I met her. It was here. In this very bar where you were tonight. She was young and beautiful. I had to be with her, no mater what the cost. She had to leave but told me to return in 2 days at 8pm sharp. Of course I was there and she took me to her home in Holland.

It was a grand house with spacious grounds. Grounds I would come to know so well from caring for them. We sat in the great hall for a while, she had the servants bring me drinks. I don’t know how long I was there because I fell asleep. But when I awoke my life was forever changed.

I had gone to her mansion to be with her, to worship her beauty and taste her lovely charms, but though I bathed her daily and spent hours massaging her and dressing her, I never once had the pleasure of pleasing her. You see when I was sleeping she had me emasculated. I am a eunuch now.

If you come back here, that will be your fate." He released my shirt and disappeared into the night.

I tossed and turned all night. I had the strangest dreams. By morning, I was sure he was just one of them. Could it be that he was real. What if he was? If I came back to the bar, would she do that to me? When I finally awoke, it was almost 1pm. Now it was too late to go to the docks to put in my papers. I was going to have to wait at least a week for another ship. My money was low but I could make it that long I guessed.

I only ate dinner that night and went to bed early. Another long and fitful night dragged slowly on. I dreamed about bathing the lovely Antonia and wanting her, all the while realizing I was no longer a man. I dreamed about standing in front of a mirror and seeing nothing between my legs. I awoke in a panic went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I had a hardon that was 9" long now. I went back to bed and tried to think of life on the ship and put this out of my mind. It was simple really. Just don’t go to that bar this night. There was really nothing to it, actually.

Finally morning arrived to rescue me from the fitful dreams. I got up and walked to the docks. I asked the steward if he knew of any ships heading west. He said that there was a freighter coming in tomorrow and the skipper had radioed ahead that 3 of the crewmen would be staying. I could see him tomorrow at 3pm. Ah, possibly a lift home.

By five I was getting hungry. I decided maybe now was not a good time so I walked to the town square and watched the pigeons until about 7:30 and started back towards the hotel. For some strange reason, I took the wrong road. It seemed like I was being drawn, like a magnate was pulling me. It felt like I really could not resist. Did I want to go this way?

At 7:55pm, I walked into this bar. This very bar, the one place I really did not want to be and there she was. She beckoned me over. I did not have to go. I was drawn to her. I sat down. I did not say a word, just lowered my head.

"nice" that is all she said. "come, we go"

She got up and I followed. I did not say a word as we were driven through the night.

"I knew you would come. You could not resist. I own you now"

"I followed her in. The house was very large. The ceilings were at least 20 feet high. We went into the great room and sat down. The servants brought us drinks. Mine tasted like bitter tea but I drank it. She smiled at me and walked over and gently stroked my hair.

"You are so young and so beautiful. Do you think I a beautiful?" she asked.

"Yes"

She placed her finger below my chin and gently raised it until our eyes met.

"Then look at me", she said.

I stared at her motionless. I was feeling a strange glowing feeling. She gently pressed up under my chin. I slowly rose. She turned releasing my chin and I followed her down a long hall. I was getting dizzy a little. We went into a room at the other end of the hall. It was a plain room. There was nothing fancy here, just wood floors and a table with a blanket over it.

"I want you to remove your clothes", she said.

I did so without asking why. She smiled at me.

"Nice" she said and nothing more.

"Lay down on this table. Your head here", she said.

I got onto the table. I was feeling a little woozy now and just thought if I could close my eyes for just a minute. But then I felt my legs being bound to the table legs. I don’t know why, but I did not resist. Then my arms were bound to the legs on this side of the table. I felt warm liquid being applied to my whole body from my neck to my toes. This was a depilatory, to remove my body hair. As I drifted in and out, I remember the old man telling me he was made eunuch while he slept. I tried to awaken but my arms and legs would not move. I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. It felt re-assuring.

Then there was this warm tingling feeling around the base of my penis and a gentle tugging of the razor removing the hair there. I was drifting off to the sounds of muffled voices. There was some pain but it was lost in the fog as sleep was now unavoidable. The dreams were weird. It was like I was drunk or on another planet. I slept for what felt like days. When I awoke I was not in my bed in the hotel room. I was in a large bed in a Victorian looking room. A quick panic flushed over me. I wanted to jump out of bed and find a mirror but I strangely could not seem to move. I realized I was tied to the bedposts. Just then a young and very attractive woman placed her hands on my shoulders.

"Please don’t move, you will hurt yourself"

"What?" I struggled to get out?

"Your stitches may break", she said

"Stitches?"

"Yes, stitches. They are not in a good spot"

"Where are they"? I said in a fright.

"Well, lets just say you are no longer all that you once were", she said almost with a smirk.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"My aunty wanted to make sure you were well behaved while you were here. After all there are a lot of girls here and one can never be too careful", she quipped.

"I’m confused, what have you done to me. I am a good boy, really"

"Well, actually you are not", she said giggling.

"Not what?" I said.

"Not a Boy anymore", What?

"Your stitches are now where your boy used to be, you see without it, you can never be naughty so it had to go", she giggled.

"What do you mean", I cried.

"Well you now, what is called a eunuch. You do not have your boy things anymore. It’s ok really, you would not have been able to use them and now you are free to play with us. It’s really not as bad as you think."

"Maybe for you", I sobbed

Just then the door opened and Antonia walked in.

"I see you know now. I guess you can be untied"

She took off the ropes from my feet and hands. She picked up my head and cradled it to her breasts and motioned to her niece to leave. Once the door was shut she stepped back from the bead and untied her blouse. She freed it from her shoulders and let it fall to the floor then she took me to the bathroom and showed me the mirror.

My manhood was indeed gone.

"you will like it here. And after a while you will find that you are better off without that smelly little thing of yours. In time, you will thank me for what I have done but for now, I know you will be resentful for your loss. When I turned to face her she was now totally naked. I wanted to yell or scream but in her beauty, all I could do was cry. She cradled my head to her breasts and led me into the bed and we slept.

I served my Antonia faithfully and her family for 5 years and as is her custom, at that time she freed me.  yea, free to do what.  I am now free to watch her get another slave.  Perhaps it will be my turn to try to warn the next one.  Maybe, like me, they will not listen either.