Anna's Fall

By

Kortpeel

___________________________________________________________________________

Like most women I had a weight problem.

After Julia and Mark were born I'd never been able to get back to my former figure. I'd always had a slight problem with weight on the hips and thighs that spoiled an otherwise satisfactory figure. After the babies it was a lot worse. All the aerobics and exercise in the world didn't seem to shift it.

It occurred to me that testosterone might help. Men don't have a problem with fat on their hips and thighs. And don't they have the cutest buns?

Mike kept a stock of testosterone for his own use as he had no testicles. It came as a rub on gel. I asked him if I could try some. He was worried it would upset my hormone balance or have some unpleasant side effects. However I kept on at him until eventually and reluctantly he let me try it.

I was nervous at first and applied it very sparingly. I gradually worked up to an optimal dose, making sure that I wasn't growing extra body hair or developing a deeper voice.

Over a period it worked. My hips, thighs and buttocks slimmed and tightened and to my delight I found I developed a better figure than I'd ever had, even before the babies. The dreaded cellulite which was beginning to develop disappeared altogether.

I couldn't detect any other symptoms. It didn't affect my skin which had always been good. I may have become a trifle more self confident which was a result of knowing how good I looked; nothing to do with the testosterone. Neither was the increased assertiveness which arose purely from the improved self-confidence.

Just possibly, the testosterone may have boosted my sex drive. Or it may have been my enhanced self esteem. Either way, for the first time in my life I was happy with myself. There was a certain irony in the fact that a woman who'd had her husband castrated in order to avoid sex couldn't get enough.

Masturbation is ok but it only takes a girl so far. What I really liked was a man on top of me and his prick inside me. Best of all I loved the part where his ejaculate creamed into me when he came. I was missing that with Mike. His performance was fine but his ejaculate didn't pack the punch of a real man with balls. And three or four times a week wasn't enough.

For a while I told myself that this was my own fault, that it was a kind of retribution for having Mike castrated. Then after a while I realized it wasn't my fault at all. My hang up about sex that led to Mike having his balls off hadn't been my fault. It all traced back to my mom dying when I was just a kid.

So why should I suffer for it? In any case I noticed that all that masturbation was making my clitoris grow. It was protruding from my labia like a tiny penis. It was unsightly and I tried to cut down on the stimulation there. But I couldn't. The only way I could stop masturbating would be to take a lover. In contrast to my husband I visualized a big beefy jock with rippling muscles who was hung like a horse.

The thought alone was enough to start me off again. I could feel my labia and clitoris fill with blood and my vagina become moist. My clitoris pressed against my panties when that happened and made a tiny bulge there. I didn't mind at all. It reminded me of how my old boyfriends used to get embarrassed at the bulge their erect penises would make in their pants.

Mike knew about my enlarged clitoris and attributed it to the testosterone I was taking. He wanted me to stop using it. No way: the benefits were too great. Of course, I didn't tell him about my masturbation and fantasy lover. There was no point in upsetting him unnecessarily.

It was at the gym, one Friday before a long weekend, where I saw this guy. He was blonde, blue eyed, about 6' 6" tall and broad shouldered. His torso tapered down to a narrow waist and firm flat stomach. He had thighs like tree trunks. As he walked the muscles rippled all over his body. Best of all, the part that really caused me to stop breathing, was the bulge in his swimming trunks. God! If he was that big soft what would he be like hard? He must have had testicles like hens' eggs in there. This guy was a sex machine and I wanted him.

I watched him swim. He dived in and swam lengths in a fast crawl. Afterwards he came into the machine room and started pumping iron. The gym was unusually quiet. Most of its regulars had gone away for the long weekend. I watched for a while and went over to him.

"Hi. I haven't seen you here before."

" forty eight, forty nine, fifty." He took a few deep breaths and sat up from the exercise machine. "Hi. No I'm new here. Name's Ivor." He put out a massive hand.

I took it. "I'm Anna."

"Then you must be a regular here, Anna?"

He stood up and we walked over to some soft chairs by the water dispenser.

"I've been coming here twice a week for over a year now. It helps me keep in shape."

He studied my shape. I was in tights and leotard. "Well, it's certainly effective. You are in great shape. "

"Thank you. You look pretty good yourself."

We gave ourselves each a Styrofoam beaker of water from the dispenser and sipped it.

"Normally after this," Ivor said "I like to jog round the playing field for a lap or two. Would you care to run with me?"

"Why not? I'll get changed and meet you back here."

"Ok."

In the change room I slipped off the leotard and tights, put on a t shirt and running shorts that were clean in my locker. I would have left off my bra for effect but I knew from experience I couldn't run without it.

Ivor was waiting for me. He had on a bright red t shirt and white running shorts. It was getting dark outside and the playing field flood lights were on. There were no games being played but some half dozen joggers were running around the field.

We jogged. "Tell me if this is too fast for you."

"Just comfortable," I told him.

It was and I kept up with him easily for two laps. On the third lap the lights went out.

"Oh!" I said and stopped.

When Ivor saw that, he too stopped and came back to me. "What's up?"

"I don't like the dark." That gave me an excuse to get closer to him. "Will you give me a minute for my eyes to adjust. And catch my breath."

He didn't seem to mind me standing close to him and he gallantly put a protective arm around me. That allowed me to snuggle up against him. His body was rock hard. He had a lovely smell of fresh male sweat. I put a hand up and felt across his chest.

"Gosh but you must be super fit," I told him

His protective arm tightened around me. My hand exploring his chest went lower and I felt across his abdomen.

"Well, you have kept up with me on this jog. " He gasped as he spoke. My hand had gone a little lower on his abdomen and brushed over his penis. I could sense a stirring below.

"But it was me who needed a breather." I could feel his penis through his shorts and jock strap. It was hardening rapidly..

He put his other hand on my t shirt and slid it across my breast. Emboldened he slid under my t shirt and was on my bra cup. I could feel his penis straining against his jock strap. I put a hand down inside his shorts and worked away until I had hold of his penis. It was too big in girth for me to grasp. "You are a big boy, Ivor."

"Is that how you like it, Anna?"

"Yes please."

Some joggers were approaching and we had to break off. No matter: the ground was ready for planting. Ivor kissed me as the little knot of joggers passed. We followed, some way behind them. We completed that lap and did another three at a slow pace. By the time we got back to the gym it was quiet and everyone else had gone.

Side by side we walked into the men's change room. I stripped off completely. Ivor watched me. Then I stripped him.

"If you're good I'll let you wash my back," I told him and led him by his big penis into a shower cubicle.

When the water was right I jumped up on him and put my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. He supported me with one hand under my bottom and lowered me on to his massive prick which he guided with his other hand.

Jeez! it was a stretch as he slid into me. It felt like I was being torn apart. Sort of like giving birth in reverse. But oh it was so nice. I squeezed Ivor as tightly as I could with my arms and legs, enjoying a pleasure so intense that it was almost unbearable. I wanted it to go on forever. It was just so lovely.

Then the shower door opened and some dumb woman cop was looking at us with her gun drawn. Stupid cow. What was she doing here? Didn't she know this was the men's changing room and women weren't allowed? She came closer and in a fit of rage I freed one arm and smacked her in the face. She fell back.

Ivor lifted me off him and put me down.

"Dam'." Hell I was angry with that woman. I went for her. I would have done her serious harm but her partner was male and I found myself with my hands cuffed behind my back. The male cop was treating himself to an eyeful of me in the nude.

"Hey and what's this then?" He fingered my protruding clitoris. I tried to knee him but he was too quick for me.

"Right little spitfire here," he said with a sick leer. "Let's take them in."

I found myself in a holding cell with three hookers and an old bag lady who smelt terrible. She was sleeping off a drunk at the back of the cell. I was naked underneath the gym dressing gown that the police had put over me.

I sensed that the hookers were trying to figure me out. I didn't fit into the usual pattern. Then the woman cop turned up with a police surgeon. She had a black eye and scratch marks down her cheek. The hookers saw that and smirked at each other. The surgeon asked if he could take a blood sample and I let him. Why not? There were no drugs or drink in me.

I was formally charged with resisting arrest, causing actual bodily harm to a police officer and lewd behavior in a public place.

In addition to my rights the police woman told me that sanitary pads or tampons were available if I needed one. They skip that bit on television. As it happened I didn't. I did want a lawyer though.

The lawyer was a feisty young black woman with a tough, no nonsense air about her. She checked that I'd been treated properly by the police and was disappointed when I told her I had been. I didn't say anything about the cop fingering me.

I told her that I'd seen this guy at the gym and wanted to screw him. As I saw it that was no-one's business but mine and Ivor's. If the cops hadn't interfered none of it would have happened.

She gave me an odd sort of look. "But you were in the men's change room?"

"There wasn't anyone else there. The place was empty. If there had been anyone else there I'd not have gone in."

"Why did you hit the policewoman?"

"She ruined a good fuck. I was coming to a beautiful climax and then she bursts in. Hell! I was angry."

"Would you say you lost your temper?"

"Damned right I did."

The lawyer looked at me. "You know, in my line of work I see things but you are the toughest, hardest assed cookie I've ever met."

That surprised me. I would have said I was perfectly average.

"Now I'm going to ask you some personal questions. It's information I need for your defense. Give me straight answers and no shit. Whatever you say stops with me. Ok?"

"Ok."

If that lawyer thought I was tough, I knew she was bright. She got my whole life story out of me.

At the end of it she leant back in the chair. "Sweet Jesus, girl. Ain't you somethin'?"

I shrugged.

I spent the whole of the long weekend in custody. Mike and the children had gone on ahead to his mother's place some six hours drive away. I was to follow the next day. The lawyer contacted my psychiatrist, Dr. Jean Weathers, who knew my story. Jean phoned Mike and told him I'd been delayed and not to expect me. He was naturally concerned but she assured him everything was under control and no need to worry.

For my court appearance Jean and the lawyer fixed me up with the most modest demure outfit they could find. It was a plain gray, button up the front dress that came to mid calf, white gloves and white low heeled shoes and for heaven's sake: a straw hat! I felt like something out of a 1950s movie. I looked and felt positively virginal.

The test results of the blood sample the police surgeon had taken showed a testosterone level equivalent to an eighteen year old healthy male. "And acting just as stupid," was Dr. Weathers' comment. The lawyer was pleased though: "This'll keep you out of goal."

The judge was a cantankerous looking old man. I got the impression that he regretted the ending of capital punishment in our state. He didn't smile at all. He actually scared me.

My lawyer entered a plea of guilty on my behalf and in mitigation explained the circumstances of an unfortunate mix up that had led to a dangerously high level of testosterone in my blood stream. Dr. Weathers explained that such a high level of testosterone would result in the sort of behavior that I'd exhibited. My lawyer pointed out that I was normally a good wife to my husband, a good mother to my children and held a responsible position as a fashion buyer with a leading chain of clothing stores. And of course I had no previous convictions. Normally I was a decent hard working citizen.

The judge looked as if he didn't believe a word of it.

"I am sick and tired," he said in judgement "of people not taking responsibility for their own actions. I hear such excuses every day. Any male who behaved as you did would not be able to use testosterone as an excuse. He would, quite rightly, receive a hefty prison sentence. In these days of sexual equality I see no reason why you should not get the same."

At that point I felt sick.

"Furthermore you knowingly and of your own free will assaulted a police officer. That cannot be overlooked and the court has a duty to protect law enforcement officers."

The judge took a sip from a glass of water.

"Therefore I sentence you to a term of twelve months imprisonment. "

If it hadn't been for the court official beside me I'd have fallen.

The judge continued: "Because you are a wife and mother and because I do not wish to punish your husband and your children: the sentence is to be suspended for five years."

The judge hadn't finished yet. He fixed me with his eye. "Furthermore, for you own good, this court orders you to be held in protective custody until such time as your blood testosterone level is normal."

Then he told my lawyer to make sure that I understood the sentence.

Downstairs in the cells I actually was sick, into a bucket.

My lawyer was sympathetic. "What it means, Anna, you gotta behave yourself and keep out of trouble for the next five years. If you get convicted of anything, you'll have to do twelve months in prison. If you can keep out of trouble for five years, they forget about it."

"How long will it take for my blood to be normal?"

"About a week, I'd expect," Dr. Weathers said.

Doctor Weathers stayed on after the lawyer left. "What do I tell my husband?"

"The truth."

"I can't. I did go with Ivor. He'll never forgive me for that."

"You think he won't know? Anna, the best thing you can do is tell him everything. He'll understand that it was the testosterone that ruined your normal judgement."

"Yeah - like the judge did?"

"Oh, he understood all right. What he wanted to do was give you a fright to make you behave yourself in future."

"He succeeded."

While I was in custody the enormity of what I'd done came home to me so strongly that I couldn't bear to live with myself. I was so ashamed. When Mike came to visit me in prison I had to force myself to look him in the face. I did tell him everything as Dr. Weathers had said I should.. He didn't react.

Instead he said "We had people from the Child Protection Agency around today. They want to take our children away; put them into care. They seem to think we aren't good parents."

What he meant was their mother wasn't a good parent.

What really frightened me, more than the judge and the Child Protection Agency was Mike himself. Beneath that neutral, non judgmental exterior of his I thought I could sense a coldness toward me. It was as if he were drawing away from me. The realization sent a cold shiver down my spine and my stomach cramped up in a knot. I couldn't do without Mike. He was life itself to me. If Mike left me my life was over. I might as well stay in jail.

That night I had a nightmare. It was all confused but I was a child again in the room where my mother's coffin had stood. Somehow I was in the coffin and Mike and our children were looking at me. I wanted to tell them that I was fine and that I loved them but I couldn't move or speak. Mike looked sad. The children, Julia and Mark, looked worried. Mike said "Goodbye Anna " and closed the coffin lid on me. I woke up screaming.

Next day I was shivering and trembling and felt dreadful. I was in a cold sweat all over my face and torso. My clothes were damp from it. The medic who took my daily blood sample said it was a testosterone withdrawal symptom. She saw a lot of withdrawal symptoms in her line of work. As far as she was concerned it was a sign that the testosterone level was coming down nicely and I'd soon be released from custody. I didn't argue but I knew it was the state of my marriage that was upsetting me.

I spent all day thinking about Mike, our marriage and its future. If any. When I considered how much of my nonsense Mike had taken from me in the past I couldn't blame him if there was no future.

He'd got a rotten deal when he married me. I'd seduced my own father at twelve and lived with him as his wife until I drove him to suicide when I was fifteen. I'd had countless affairs before I met Mike. I'd refused to let him have sex with me and tricked him into being castrated so that I could avoid it. I'd been deliberately unfaithful to him with Ivor and created one hell of a scandal. I now had a prison record and my behavior could result in us losing our children.

I slowly forced myself to realize that no man, not even Mike would want to live with a woman who'd treated him like that. I didn't even try to sleep that night. I just sat hunched up on my bed reflecting on what a lousy mess I'd made of my life. I'd had plenty of chances and screwed up every time.

I was in apathetic despair. I'd lost Mike and nothing else mattered any more. The children would probably be better off in care. I felt awful and felt that I deserved to feel awful.

I lapsed into a lethargic state where nothing mattered at all and the slightest action was too much trouble Numbness was better than hurting and oblivion would have been better still. I felt I was progressing toward oblivion. By withdrawing right into myself I was able to shut out the world and all its problems. Everything that was hurtful or threatening was outside of me and I felt safe inside my own head. In a weird kind of way I was even achieving a degree of comfort in my wretchedness, or at least, minimizing the discomfort.

I wanted to remain like that forever but something was forcing me out of my comfort zone, out into the world with all its hateful unhappiness, back into the mess I'd made of everything.

It was Dr. Weathers slapping my face, shaking me. Why was she being so cruel?

I was half dragged across the floor. "Look. Have good look at yourself."

Where my reflection in the mirror should have been was an ugly old crone with deep sunken eyes, matted tangled hair and deathly white skin. She would have been scary but in her eyes was a such a look of hopeless misery that I felt sorry for her.

When I realized who it was I was sick. I vomited but only a few drops of bile emerged.

Dr. Weathers wiped around my mouth and let me sip from a glass of water. The water helped but all I wanted was to retreat back inside myself.

"Are you going to let Mike see you looking like that?" It was the one thing she could have said that would get through to me.

"Mike ?" That's what I tried to say but it came out as a croak. Some more water helped. Dr. Weathers got me to eat some food and then she bathed me like a baby. She did my hair and organized some clean clothes. They were prison issue but at least I was able to start feeling human again.

And all the pain came back. Dr. Weathers saw it. "What's upsetting you so?"

"I've lost Mike."

"Why do you say that?"

"I sensed it in him last time he was here. Not that I blame him after all I've done to him."

"What have you done to him, Anna?"

I took a deep breath. Confession really is good for the soul and I needed to say it. "I denied him sex and tricked him into being castrated. Then I got myself onto testosterone and started having sexual fantasies. I masturbated all the time. I tried to make my fantasy happen. I was doing so with Ivor and would have gone on doing it if I had got away with it. As it was I just made the most awful scandal and fools of myself and Mike. Now they want to take our kids away from us because of what I did."

"Who else apart from Ivor did you go with?"

"There was no one else."

"Don't lie Anna. This is serious."

"Dammit! Isn't Ivor enough? There is no else and I'd tell you if there was."

Jean Weathers smiled.

"What's so funny?"

"I got a reaction out of you. An angry woman can't also feel sorry for herself." She paused. "But it is serious. You had unprotected sex with a total stranger."

I was too shocked to say anything. That hadn't occurred to me. I stared at Dr. Weathers as she continued. "So far you've made Mike, your husband whom you claim to love, a eunuch and a cuckold. You don't want to kill him too?"

"Really, he'd be much better off without me. Wouldn't he?"

"Would you be better off without him, Anna?"

"I don't understand. What are you getting at?"

"Wouldn't you prefer a guy like Ivor?"

"God no! Ivor's just a penis with a man attached to it."

Dr. Weathers smiled at that in spite of herself. "So you want to stay with Mike?"

"Of course I do. That's all I want. If he'll still have me."

There was a long pause. Dr. Weathers was going to tell me something important and trying to find the best way to put it. "Anna, I think you have a good chance. Mike came to me and asked for my advice. He wanted to know how I thought you'd behave after this."

"What did you tell him?"

"I said I'd see you first and let him know. Which is why I'm here."

I resented that. Why should my future depend on some other woman's opinion of me?

"Don't get angry honey. I'm on your side."

I'd forgotten just how insightful Dr. Weathers could be. I had to smile at my transparency. "Ok Dr. Weathers. Right now there's nothing I want more than to be a good wife to Mike."

"That's 'right now.' Will you want to be a good wife next week? Or next year? Say you get another of those dangerous mad ideas in your head?"

"Then what if I do? I must have learnt a lesson by now."

"I'm sure you have. But you'll forget it."

"I won't."

"Anna, you have an extreme personality. It probably comes from an inner insecurity. How you translate that into actions I can't tell. But the moment things are going well and life becomes humdrum I think you are going to do something crazy."

She may even have been right. It couldn't be denied that I'd done some crazy things.

"What would you say that you had to do to be a good wife to Mike?"

I thought about that. What did it mean really? What is a good wife? "Love him, be loyal and faithful to him, even in my own unspoken thoughts. Keep a good house, prepare meals that he likes, keep our home, neat and clean. Be a good mother to my -, to our children." What else? "Don't cause him embarrassment, support him in what he's doing ...."

It suddenly occurred to me I could do all those things. Easily. It was exactly what I wanted to do. Apart from the bit about my unspoken thoughts. "Yes I can be a good wife," I told Dr. Weathers.

"Except for what?"

"Eh?"

"You had a mental reservation when you said that."

"Mike can be a bit annoying. He gets so lost in his own thoughts ..."

"Lots of intelligent men are like that. Ok I know what you mean."

Dr. Weathers and I talked for a while. She was concerned about my long term behaviour:I had to behave myself for at least five years or that suspended prison sentence would activate. She was going to recommend to Mike that he give me yet another chance.

It took two weeks for the testosterone level to come down. I sat in protective custody, a very subdued and chastened version of my old pre-testosterone self.

Mike came to visit me. He wasn't all that effusive but then he never is. Neither was he judgmental, blaming me for getting into this mess. He told me that he'd hired the same lawyer that I'd had to help him in his fight with the Child Protection Agency over the custody of our children. The kids were still living with him at home and everything was ok.

I was concerned about that lawyer having access to Mike but Dr. Weathers later told me that she was a man hating lesbian dyke so I had nothing to fear. There was in fact a certain irony in her having a man for a client.

Mike did say that he and the children were looking forward to having me home again. Those few words were enough encouragement to make me come back to life.

I spent my time thinking about how to be a good wife to Mike; the sort of things I should do. Those thoughts created an arousal and I wanted to masturbate. I forced myself not to. No more of that. It was the thoughts I'd had during masturbation that had led to my downfall.

But it was so tempting with all that spare time and nothing else to fill it. It wouldn't matter and no-one would know. It was so pleasant to get that nice feeling again; that lovely tingling feeling spreading out from my clitoris. My vagina moistened as I thought of being back home with Mike and what we would do. No more Ivors ever. Never again would I be tempted by the memory of that huge great lovely cock tearing me apart in the showers. I could imagine if we hadn't been interrupted. He'd have continued thrusting and I'd have had those great balls dump their massive load hard into my womb. I could just imagine the sensation and -

God! What was I doing? I was as bad as I ever was. Fear drove away lust. I couldn't trust myself. The moment I got out of here I'd be off again.

I felt so guilty about myself, that I was unworthy of Mike and a danger to him, that when he visited I was unable to act normally or talk to him properly. As usual he didn't say anything but next day Dr. Weathers just happened to visit me.

She got out of me what had happened and my fears and concerns. "You were right Dr. Weathers. I can't trust myself."

She nodded. "You've done well to recognize it. Acknowledgment of a problem is a pre-requisite for solving it."

"Can it be solved?"

"Eventually. Time will cure it. As you get older ..."

"Yeah and being in goal will keep me out of trouble too. What about now? "

Dr. Weathers looked thoughtful for what seemed for ever. She was going to say something then shook her head.

"What ?"

"Nothing."

"You were going to say something. "

"It was just a fleeting thought. So unprofessional that I can't even voice it."

"Jean, forget professional. Tell me what your thought was."

She came closer to me and lowered her voice. "Anna you say these thoughts come to you when you masturbate?"

"Yes."

"What if you couldn't masturbate? Then what?"

"Then I would be happy making love with my husband. But how -. Cut it off down there?"

"I am not recommending that as a course of action. I rejected the thought even as it occurred to me. It is an uncivilized, barbaric thing to do."

It was the answer. I should have thought of it myself. If I didn't get aroused so easily, couldn't masturbate then no more fantasies. I'd be out of danger. I could happily be Mike's wife.

I said so to Dr. Weathers.

"No ways."

"It'll keep me out of jail. No more risk for Mike, or our children."

There were two other reasons that I pointed out. After my terrible act of having Mike castrated it would be a fair penance. It was one that I wanted, even needed to make. The other reason was that I was overdeveloped there and it was embarrassing to have my clitoris permanently protruding from my labia. It embarrassed me in front of my husband.

Dr. Winters thought long and hard. "For Mike and the children then?"

I nodded.

Mike was appalled at the idea. Dr. Weathers sold it to him on the grounds that it met some deep seated psychological need in my extreme personality to compensate for having him castrated. The secondary benefits like keeping me out of jail and on the straight and narrow were mentioned in passing but even Dr. Walters didn't feel up to explaining that to him. "Patient confidential and it's better he doesn't know," she rationalized.

My first day out of protective custody was spent at a court hearing to decide on custody of our children. The social worker and the CPA lawyer were well known to Mike's lawyer. Normally they were on the same side so our girl had insider's knowledge of their case. She tore into them with such gusto that she ripped their case to pieces. Then she got Mike on the stand to testify and she was so sweet and gentle with him that I became suspicious of her. "Man hating dyke lesbian, my ass. That bitch fancies Mike something rotten," I realized. I had to suppress my urge to scratch her eyes out.

Mike fended off the cross examination easily. He's an unworldly guy but once he's put his mind to something he can be formidable. His testimony destroyed any case they had. The judge hearing the case was a sweet old lady who took a shine to Mike. He does have that effect on woman of all ages. She ruled that there was no case to answer.

"You really sure you want to do this?" Mike asked me at the gynecology clinic next day. I was prepped and in the stirrups. Mike was touching me down there and it felt lovely. I was going to miss it.

"Yes darling. I have to." There were tears in my eyes for Mike and the children, and also for my own clitoris. It sort of felt unfair to it, like it was having to pay a dreadful price for my own mistakes. It had always been good to me and done exactly what it was supposed to do.

The gynecologist removed it under a local anaesthetic. It was quick and painless. There wasn't even much bleeding. Sewing up after the cutting was the longest part. I stayed in overnight for observation and Mike collected me the next day. It was a bit sore for a while and I was conscious of it not being there. I was sad that it was gone, like missing an old friend.

Mike dutifully obeyed the gynecologist's injunction of no intercourse for at least two weeks. It gave me an opportunity to bring him off by hand and mouth. I got real pleasure out of meeting his needs. I was enjoying myself as wife and mother and knew that this was my real destiny in life. I wondered how I could ever have been so stupid to risk it all.

I was worried when the two weeks were up about having proper sex with Mike. He knew all about Ivor but how can you ask a man you've castrated to wear a condom? Needless to say Mike knew without me telling him. He rather enjoyed having me put the condom on him. "Quite like old times," he joked.

I'm not sure whether it was physical or psychological but that first time again with Mike was as good as ever. I once again had the sense of giving myself to the man I loved. and how lovely it was to do that. The climax, when it came, seemed to spread out from deep within my vagina. It felt different but it was wonderful.

Mike kissed me, tuned over and went to sleep. I lay awake thinking how beautiful life was and what a lovely man I had. I was looking forward to being the best possible wife for him. I even felt pleased that I couldn't masturbate ever again. Masturbation is a kind of infidelity, an ever present temptation. Somehow I now felt bound even closer to Mike.

It was another two months before they called to tell me I was HIV negative. It was only then that I realized how much anxiety I'd been enduring. It fell away from me and I suddenly had this feeling of joyous elation.

I immediately told Mike the news.

"That's nice," he said. "Now we'll have a whole lifetime together."

To hell with liberation. I was so happy to be this man's wife.

End