Discovering Yourself

Discovering Yourself Part 1

I never knew how much one of those “self help” videos could really change my life until now. I stood chained wearing a leather harness in front of this man who I knew I wanted to unconditionally submit to. The events of the last 3 months rushed through my head to realize what had brought me here.

Chris has always been big on these videos. He had encouraged the entire gang to try different many of them. Nobody took them too serious at first. We all tried several of them and actually were surprised at how effective they are. I’m not sure who turned him on to them but we all were impressed by the results. The first one we tried was learning to speak Spanish. We now often carry on entire conversations in Spanish simply because we can.

I couldn’t for the longest time figure out how the tapes worked so well. The first of each series was always an audiotape. Within the first 5 minutes I would always out like a light. The videotapes in the series had put me out even sooner. Chris has explained to us that is why they work so well. While someone starts to fall asleep their subconscious continues to pay attention to the sounds you are hearing. A year later and the whole gang could now speak Spanish, French, Japanese, Italian, and even a little Russian.

Chris had then started giving us series outside of foreign languages. They were tapes of self-discipline, emotional wellness, confidence, and commitment. We were all pretty much hooked on them as much as he was. I wasn’t the only one who noticed a change in him. Personality wise he was still the happy go lucky kind of guy as always. It was his demeanor that had subtle changes. The most noticeable change came after he returned from a 3-week retreat he signed up for. His appearance completely changed from the “stylish boy band” kind of looks we all had to a cleaner cut “militant” look. I have always like the bleached spikes he sported but the crew cut he had turned me on too so I suppose I didn’t give it nearly enough thought.

When he returned he couldn’t stop talking about how he re-discovered himself with the latest set of tapes. The getaway was part of the completion of the set and he eagerly encouraged all of us to try. Adam jokingly told Chris he liked his hair too much to discover himself bald as he put a baseball cap on while reaching over to rub Chris’ buzz cut. Chris laughed it off and told us the tape will only help us be the person we want to be and can’t force us to do anything. He told us to give it a shot; it couldn’t hurt. We all agreed we noticed how more at ease Chris was as though he found a new purpose and identity so we each had taken a copy of the tape he handed to us. He told us the retreat offered with the tape was strictly optional and unnecessary if we deem it to be.

When I returned home I had thrown the tape in to the cassette player. I didn’t bother turning it on until right before I was ready to go to bed. I knew from experience that I would fall asleep listening to it and didn’t want to wake up on the sofa with a stiff back. I recall waking up the next morning and not really “noticing” anything different. Unlike the other tapes Chris had given us where I would wake up recalling something however vague, this time I didn’t. Then again I don’t think I gave much thought to that either.

It was 2 weeks later and we had all gathered at our usual hangout after work. We were comparing notes on the latest tape and came to a unanimous conclusion that it hadn’t been doing anything for us as it had Chris. It was shortly after that he had arrived (fashionably late as usual). He asked us if we have used the tape which we all had and told him it didn’t seem to have done a thing for us. I asked him where he had gotten all these tapes from which he told us was from a gay self-improvement site he stumbled upon. We all had laughed joking with him realizing he must have clicked on one of those pop up windows. He explained to us how the series was called “Discovering Yourself”. It was a set of tapes that helped people realize who they really are or want to be. The complete series allows someone to be a better companion and how to make sacrifices for another in a relationship. I recall making a wiseass remark as to how I am now able to make a sacrifice in 5 different languages to which everyone laughed at. He then gave us the videotape that goes with the set.

Right before going to bed I had set the tape up, turned on the TV and fired it up. This tape had started a little different from the rest as I recall. The others all started showing images of places or people meditating. This one started with a barrage of swirling lights and a low hum that was almost mesmerizing. After comparing notes with the rest of the guys the next day we all agreed that however different it managed to put each of us out like a light just like the rest. Unlike the rest though that had multiple videos this had just one in the series which we were to watch for 2 weeks.

At the end of the 2 weeks we had all met up at Chris’ apartment. He then asked if any of us were ready for the retreat. As the rest of us I didn’t know how at the time to explain to him that this last tape really didn’t do anything for me. Dave probably explained it best when he told Chris that it was all just a lot of vague images that he really didn’t connect anything to. Chris told us how he thought the same thing at first but assured us it wasn’t true. When we asked what he meant he then asked us “who is ready to salute and surrender your flagpole for the last time?”

We were all left motionless and had the same images rushing to our heads. We had images of submission and forfeiture. Rob was the first to quietly whisper, “I am”. Next thing I knew I was also saying the same. Mike was the only one who could say no although he was struggling to force it out. Chris told him it was OK as he explained the tapes would only help those that wanted the change. The rest of us had piled into Chris’ van as we headed for the retreat that guaranteed to rediscover ourselves. Mike asked us if this is what we really wanted and we all knew for sure it was. I remember him stopping Tim and pleading with him not too do it. Tim and Mike were always tight and made a good couple. Tim had apologized and told him he had to go through with it.

I remember having a nervous energy during the ride up. It was fear, anxiety, and uncertainty all rolled into one. When we arrived he had led us into a building where there was a small group of medical type guys waiting in a room. Chris had told us that this was the moment we have been secretly wanting since puberty and I knew inside he was right. He removed his clothes with his back turned to us. He took off his baggy nylon parachute pant that I loved seeing him wear cause it usually showed a bulge I liked to see although then realized there wouldn’t be anything bulging on him anymore. Just the thought started to give me a hard on as I had then realized I too soon wouldn’t be bulging anymore either. He then had turned towards us with that boyish smile. My eyes had become fixated on his crotch. Only a scar about an inch long remained where the 6” cock once was that I had the pleasure of sucking on many occasions. That was when he told us it was time for our initiation and we then removed our clothes.

We then stood in a single file line in front of a table with our legs spread apart. One of the docs had already made his way down the line having injected a local anesthetic into each of our groins. I recall Chris standing beside me asking if I was ready to which I told him yes as he then had proceeded to buzz my hair and clip my pubes. Adam was in front of me and Rob was on the table in front of him. He was in a kneeling position bent over with his cute ass sticking up at us with his nuts hanging loosely in-between. I had started to have more flashbacks to the videotape and became more aware of how the events would proceed. Another doctor approached Rob and was saying something to him and he put a rubber gag handed to him in his mouth. The doctor had moved behind him who blocked my view but I knew what was going to happen next. From a tray off to the side the doc had picked up what I recognized from the video to be an elastrator. After about 10 minutes Rob was being helped off the table and led into another room while Adam was being positioned on the table in directly front of me.

I moved forward and remember I was standing in the pile of Adam’s hair on the floor. I heard the sound of clippers behind me as Chris had proceeded down the line shearing Dave, Aaron, and Tim. Adam was putting the gag in his mouth as the doctor moved behind him directly in front of me. I could see him tugging on his nuts stretching them down. I noticed my crotch had numbed up pretty well and I wasn’t feeling too much down there. The doctor picked up the elastrator again as I heard him ask Adam if he was ready. There was no reply but I heard a clicking sound and noticed Adam’s legs tense up. The doc was still blocking my view so I really couldn’t get a good look but it really didn’t matter. I already had the jest of what was happening to us.

Adam was being helped off the table and led out of the room as I was ushered up. I kneeled on the table with my back to everyone as one of the doctors was helping position me as I bent over. My hands were guided towards the front of the table where there was a bar for me to grip. I was able to look back in-between my legs and see my nuts hanging probably for one of the last times. I saw the doctor take position behind me as he began tugging and stretching my sac. The gag was handed to me as I had put it in my mouth. He asked me if I was ready and I nodded yes. The nervous energy in me has turned into eager anticipation as I could see between my legs the doctor placing a band on the elastrator and positioning between my legs. He released the handle as the band closed into place. My muscles tensed up as I had seen Adam’s do as I felt the pressure around my nuts and bit into the gag. I recalled my crotch wasn’t as numb as I had thought. 3 more bands would be applied as I watched my sac start to turn blue from the blood being trapped inside. I was then helped off the table and led into the other room.

I walked through a door and it led into a small corridor with another door on the other end. On the right was a large glass window to a small operating room with 2 tables and a few more doctors. Rob was already on one of the tables. There was a group of doctors working on him. I didn’t get a good look there either. The tables were positioned lengthwise with the feet at the far end so I could only see the top of Rob’s head. It must have been the brighter lighting but it looked like Rob had even less hair than the buzz. As I approached the other end of the corridor I had seen Adam being led into the operating room with a large towel wrapped around him. I knew then it wasn’t the lighting as the stubble on Adam’s head had been shaved clean.

I was led through the other door where I entered a shower and the orderly proceeded to shower me. He told me to put my hands on my head as he had begun to scrub me down with what felt like a brillo pad. It was then when my hands were returned to my side as the orderly began to apply shaving cream all over my head and groin and he had removed the stubble Chris had left behind. I was then wrapped in a towel and led out a different door where there was a small hallway with 6 chairs lined up and I was told to have a seat. It was around 10 minutes or so before Dave was led into the room and took a seat next to me. We both sat there quietly staring at the wall in front of us. Just as Aaron had been brought in another door opened with one of the doctors asked who was next as I was then escorted into the operating room.

Rob was being placed on a gurney as I was being led to the table at the far end. I noticed Tim being walked through the hallway on the other side of the window with Chris along side. He had that puppy smile on his face as he began rubbing his head with one hand to poke fun at my shaved head. As I passed the table Adam was on I was able to get a quick but much better look at what was to be my fate. In a quick glance I had seen his severed balls on a tray next to his table and the doctors working on removing his cock. I couldn’t help but notice how tranquil he looked asleep on the operating table, which is when it really hit home that I too was ready for this.

I got on the table where the doctors worked quickly and quietly. My legs were spread apart and strapped down, as were my hands as well. One doctor had begun inserting a catheter in my dick as another was giving me injections. A third was rubbing my crotch with iodine. I was able to get one last look at my manhood before my head resting back on the pillow. I had seen my nuts had turned practically black which is when I knew they were dead. Things were starting to get fuzzy realizing one of those injections was another anesthetic. I could see one of the doctors pick up a scalpel as he was watching my face. I could tell he was waiting for me to go out, as I knew I was just about there. The last thing I remembered was my muscles quickly jerking and in a blur I had seen him lifting my nut sac away from me and dropping it in a tray as I had fallen into unconsciousness.

I remember waking up to the sound of quiet talking. I had begun to focus on the room I was in. I was strapped to another bed with my legs still spread apart and covered with a blanket. I looked across the room where 3 beds were lined up where I had seen Dave, Aaron, and Tim still sleeping. I was in-between 2 beds across from them where Adam was on one side and Rob on the other who was already awake and talking to Chris. He noticed me come around and asked how his favorite was doing. The others started to wake up as we each began fidgeting with our restraints. Chris told us not to bother trying and that we were better off tied down. He told us it would eliminate the concern of any of us itching or rubbing our groins. Tim, the youngest of the group having just turned 20 had asked him to lift our blankets so we could get a look. He declined telling us we didn’t want to see it now with all the bandaging and what not. I was a little unsettled when he told us we would have to stay strapped to these beds for the next 2 weeks for recovery. He told us not to worry and that it would go by faster than we realized. Chris got up and went bed-to-bed giving us all a kiss on the check telling us he’d be back in a week to get us. Dave had rolled his eyes at him saying “sure, kiss and run” as Chris left the room. Just as Rob had begun fidgeting the most asking what we were supposed to do for a week lying flat on our backs I had heard a voice from a set of speakers mounted on the walls in the room. It was a low tone voice that began “now it is time to discover your new life….”. I remember hearing Aaron chuckle saying “great, more tapes” as I started to get drowsy and fall asleep like the rest of us.

I don’t recall too much of what happened throughout that time that followed. I vaguely recall shadows of doctors coming in the room and messing around with our bandages. It did seem that it wasn’t any more than a brief nap before Chris walked into the room saying it was time to go. A doctor was with him and explained to us medications and hormone treatments we would have to start taking. He then proceeded going bed-by-bed removing our catheters. It was a strange sensation as I had felt the tube slide out of me from between my legs. I figured they did a urethral relocation so from here on I would piss sitting down. It was then we got our first look at our new selves and each other. I remember looking down at my empty crotch as we each did and having a feeling of excitement and that it was not just a dream. I had been nullified and happy about it. We were told the scars would fade the most over the next 4 weeks and by then should only be slightly visible. We then got dressed and headed for Chris’ van parked outside.

Mike was waiting for us when we returned home. He seemed a little unsettled and awkward like he was the odd one in the bunch. He was glad to see us and was still having difficulty believing we all actually went through with it. Several of us were concerned he would feel left out. I tried to make sure he understood this is what each of us really wanted and didn’t blame him for not wanting to go through it. One thing was sure, that was an interesting night. The six of us have been out of commission for 3 weeks and with Chris’ guidance we were anxious to discover our new sexual roles. Chris himself had only been a eunuch for only a month or so longer than us but he at least has had more time to adjust. Before long we were all undressed and ready to service the only man left in the group. Mike looked around at us bewildered and I recall him making a remark about how we had gone from a group of Backstreet Boys looking crew to an emasculated crew cut backdoor group of guys. The seven of us were all over Mikey. Aaron had his tongue in Mike’s mouth, Rob had his in Mike’s ass and I was going for his dick. Chris, Tim, and Adam were licking every other part of him. Mike was groaning in ecstasy. It was a strange experience being that I felt the same level of pleasure. It felt like I was ready to cum when Mike shot his load. I reached for my empty crotch to make sure there really wasn’t anything there. I couldn’t explain how but I actually had an orgasm. Chris explained that we would feel as much pleasure as the man we are with even though we each lack any sex organs anymore… talk about a bonus!

About another month had past and we were all adjusting to our new lives well. Mine as everyone else’s scars had faded a lot. Chris’ was barely noticeable, you would never know he ever had anything there to begin with. We met up at my place one Friday and Chris had told us we were ready now. When we asked what for he said, “to leave the nest and find our new dens”. Like the first time that prompted me to hop in a van and get my cock and balls cut off this also had triggered something inside each of us. We knew what it meant.

The following Monday we had each quit our jobs. Explaining this to Mike was harder than I could have imagined. For as long as I could remember it had always been the 8 of us together. I don’t remember who met whom first or who connected with whom first but we grew inseparable. Mike hadn’t taken it well at all. I remember him shouting at Chris blaming him for all of it. If it weren’t for those tapes we would have been the same old oversexed inseparable gang. We each knew our only regret was knowing we wouldn’t see each other anymore. Again we had piled into Chris’ van knowing it would be the last time. Mike and Tim were saying painful goodbyes. Tim then had jumped in the van. Chris was talking to Mike at the door for a couple minutes, they had shaken hands and hugged and Chris then headed for the van.

When we had arrived at the retreat again the parking lot was packed with expensive cars and limos. We were led into a different building than the first time. We were in a large room filled with other guys who all seemed to be in their 20’s. Upon instruction we all began undressing. I remember looking around in amazement. Every one of us has varying modifications. A couple dozen had their balls removed, another few dozen had only their dicks cut off, and I recall seeing about another 20 or so that were completely nullified like ourselves. Several of the host had made there way around the room with what seemed to be lipstick writing our names, age and a number on our backs. Everyone was led out of the room in small groups at varying intervals. Our turn came up when we were led out onto a stage except for Chris; we seemed to had lost him in the shuffle. I remember it was then on stage the reality truly sunk in, I was about to be sold. It seemed so strange that I was looking forward to it. We each stepped forward and turned around for the crowd one by one. With the way the stage was lit I don’t remember making out any discernable images to tell how many were there but I knew it was a lot. I oddly recall how good I felt hearing the flurry of bidding we were each causing. I also couldn’t help but think how it would be the last time I was with these guys. Tim was the last one to be bid on and I had worried about him being the baby of the group. I don’t remember him being the worst for wear though, especially seeing how he went for the highest bid. We were taken offstage and that is when it was time for us to say our good-byes. We were told to dress. To protect the buyers auction protocol required us to be blindfolded and tranquilized until we reached our new destination.

I don’t remember anything about the trip or how long it had taken. I just remember waking up still blindfolded and my hands chained to a wall over my head. I could tell I was in some kind of leather harness. I heard a door open and footsteps approach me. I was released from the wall and led blindfolded out of the room. That brings me to the present where I now stand before my new master. I figure him to be in his late 30’s. He obviously takes care of himself as looked at his defined chest. He looked me over and said “Befriedigen Sie mich” which I immediately understood to be German meaning “satisfy me”. I replied “Während Sie Herrn wünschen” meaning “as you wish sir” and he then proceeded to guide me to my knees and pulled his cock out in front of my face. I knew what to do and didn't waste any time getting busy.