Lucky Slave

I don't think I had ever really considered castration arousing; unlike many fascinated by the subject, I had never hated my genitals nor resented my gender. I had, however, long been disappointed in the size of my penis.

In high school, I had for several years been cuckolded boyfriend and occasional participant to my girlfriend, to whom I had inadvertently introduced the fantasy.

I still remember the story that captured me: Chance to Impregnate Lost.

It popped up while I was searching Usenet for husband humiliation and cuckold stories. While scanning through the story (I would print stories to read at home) the description of the wife snipping one of the (un) fortunate husband's testicles jumped out at me.

That night I jerked and jerked myself off, just staring at that paragraph.

It planted the eunuch 'seed' in my mind and it wasn't long until I had tracked down the Archive.

Experience

When I was in middle school, I did the 'normal' experimentation with guys my own age. But when they were growing out of it, and moving on to girls, I was slowly adding girls to the equation.

One of the guys I played with was named Mike. For all the stories I read about cocks thicker than arms and with head the size of baseballs, I imagine there are actually a few like that really out there. He wasn't like that, but was huge - and not just for a kid.

I, on the other hand, am not. Fully hard, I might stretch to five inches, and it's slender. I have small balls, not all that much bigger than they were then. When we were playing, the size difference didn't really affect me, but it would come back to haunt me later. What I did know was that I loved having him in my mouth and in my ass. I loved the taste of his cum, (a work that apparently is in the spell check dictionary) and I loved/hated the empty feeling in my ass that I felt when he wasn't in me.

He figured that out.

I don't know if he's straight, or bi, or gay, but he knew a good thing and knew I would drop whatever I was doing to play with him.

Of course, times change, we moved on to high school and started looking to the other side of the aisle. Our play steadily decreased through freshman year. We both found girlfriends, but he was always on my mind.

Eventually I started dating a girl with a love for kink. She was aware of my leanings and experiences; rather than be disgusted, she was aroused and liked to hear all the details.

She may have been the love of my life, or at least the high school sweetheart we all look back fondly upon. She was also a slut - though as long as we were together and she was my slut I didn't care.

We had sex everywhere. All over the school. In movie theaters. I lost my virginity in my bedroom while my parents were a floor below - I assume trying very hard to not notice. We habitually played in the very last seat on the bus - with the full knowledge of the other riders and the driver; again trying not to notice rather than saying something.

I wasn't a perfect boyfriend; I took the opportunity from time to time to explore with other girls. It was at this time I learned that the more unstable a girl was mentally, the better she was at sex and the more willing she was to try whatever kink would make her 'man' behave.

Well, inevitably, I brought up the idea of a three some. Although she was admittedly bi, with a little experience, she was absolutely close-minded to any experience where I would be involved with another girl. I didn't mind. I may have been the only guy in the school who felt no particular urge to watch two female classmates go at it. I was all for bringing another guy into the picture.

I started to create stories about myself and the guy I had played with when I was younger. Gradually, I worked her into the picture, as a willing participant.

It was about now that the issue of cock-size came into the picture. While talking on the phone into the night, we were both masturbating while I described his size pressing into her. I was always involved, there to guide him in or pre-pare her tight pussy for his 'monster cock' and to provide 'emergency birth control' after they fucked, by sucking his come out of her.

Eventually there was a shift. I started making her tell me the stories. Always a different one every night. She knew the effect of his cock's size on me, and played it up. And I started to be written out of the stories.

They would meet after school, on a day I had to stay late, and meet in his house. Of course they would fuck, and he would come deep inside her without a condom, always raising the fear of pregnancy - and the sick fantasy that we would have a shotgun wedding so I could raise his child began to form in the back of my mind.

She and I stopped having sex. I would suck on her breasts while she told me a story then cum on her - just the way, she would say, he had cum on her just hours before.

I would make her suck my cock in the backseat of the car and cum in her mouth; she would hold it for me while I asked if she had something for me. She nodded. I asked if it was cum, and she nodded. I asked if it was mine and she would frown; then I would ask if it was his, she would smile, nod and spit it into my mouth so I could swallow it.

Inevitable, we grew to hate each other. In her eyes, I was more interested in him, than her. And I was. I took a girl looking to do whatever would please me, and trained her to despise me, to see me as less than a man. And still, she told me the stories.

But a point came, where I was working every night and never taking her out, but always expecting a story at night, when the stories became true. She was sleeping with him, and she was loving it.

And the strange thing was, as this was happening, I didn't mind. I knew, in the back of my mind, that the girl I loved was fucking this guy. And I knew, it was all my fault.

The worst part was that I loved it.

The humiliation turned me on. I knew that all our mutual friends knew it was going on. I just went through the same motions as before, and I drove her to him. I pretended nothing had changed, but everything had.

Ultimately, it came out. Not as an act of outrage and indignation where I challenged him for her love and demanded she turn back to me. It came out and resulted in me becoming the background figure in my own fantasies.

I had NEVER been inside her without a condom. I had been in her ass, but it had taken a near act of rape. I had had a girl willing to try all sorts of sick things, but hadn't wanted them.

It came to a point where I actually asked to be involved. I asked permission to see them together; to suck his cock, lick her pussy, and guide him into her. They usually used condoms, but there were times where her orgasm was less the pleasure of his cock than it was watching me watch him cum inside her without protection.

Of course, it ended. Not just for me; she decided to move on to other guys. Not before, however, she explained just how many other guys had been involved. That was humiliation.

So life fell apart for me because of my own actions. I did the normal drinking and drugs, barely graduated and felt horrible.

Then, in reaction to the natural insomnia that this caused, I started to use Someone and Unisom to get to sleep. I discovered a wonderful side effect - at the right levels the drugs kept me nearly completely impotent. Dysfunctional. But they didn't hurt my sex drive. I had been working for years, and now wasn't dating, so I had the cash to buy an ever increasing amount. Ultimately I would get off work, take a handful and head home. By the time I got home I started to feel the effects kicking in. Mostly, it was just a warm feeling, good on its own. But after an hour or so, I would go to my room and play with my soft cock trying to come while picturing all the things I had seen during the previous years. Sometimes it was him fucking me, sometimes it was him fucking her, and sometimes I would imagine them in the room, fucking while they looked at my soft, small cock.

It's sick, but it was so incredible. The orgasms I had were weak, just a little dribble, and I grew to hate them. When I came, I had to leave the fantasy and return to reality. With practice, though, I learned how to take the sleep aid in successive doses so that I could play for hours without coming, then drift off to sleep.

I continued the practice for years. The fantasy I created left me as a background figure to my own life's story and I was happy to be there.

Of course the Internet had a role to play. I had been online for years, this was when the 'online world' involved calling local computers to access BBSs, which were like websites. When I got real internet access and discovered the Usenet, alt.sex.stories, I was in heaven.

I could make myself impotent, then spend hours stroking my two inch softy reading about men with cheating wives.

Sometimes the men were happy that they were cuckolded. Sometimes they were angry. But they all had to accept that their wife wanted something they could never give them: a big cock.

Cuckolds were amazing to me. For some reason, instead of dumping their wives for adultery, they preferred to stay with them, care for the children they didn't father, even serve the men that filled their wives with come.

So when I discovered castration, I had achieved a new high. It was possible to be more than just humiliated, serving as a proxy husband and surrogate father; it was possible to take the step of sacrificing their manhood. Cuckolds accepted the denial of sexual satisfaction by their wives; eunuchs accepted the denial of their sexuality, and gave up the ability to ever be men. A cuckold could conceivable turn to another woman and start anew - a eunuch could never turn away.

Banding

During this time when I artificially imposed impotence on myself, I had periodic errections. Sometimes half hard, or even occasionally full, throbbing, rock solid errections. But they were rare. I dated during this time, and sometimes functioned fully as a man, but it was hard. I had to go off my carefully developed regimen and face long nights of insomnia. Other times I used the simple answer of putting rubber bands around the base of my cock. It worked, I got hard and, even better, numb. I could fuck indefinitely without ruining the sex by coming. It is possible for a man to satisfy a woman this way - even with such a small cock, but it wasn't like being a real man, it was like using a strap-on.

Additionally, girls don't like the idea. The times I would be caught with a purple black cock after pretending to have filled a condom with cum were beyond humiliating. Girls were horrified by this self-torture, like it was some sort of self mutilation. And angered if they found out I had to 'pretend' to cum. There really is no explanation for that, it's much more humiliating to a girl in our culture that they would be unable to cause a man to have an orgasm than it is to a man when his woman fakes one.

Men are supposed to pop off at the slightest touch, and they assume something was terribly wrong with them that they couldn't provide what I needed.

I was afraid to be open about what that was. I told some about the gay experiences I had had, but never suggested a three-way again. I just tried as best I could to hold things together, for as long as I could.

Chatting

Although I had had access to the archive for a long time, it was only a few weeks ago that I finally got the courage to try the chat rooms.

I had looked at the personals, but there weren't many, and even fewer with in easy traveling distance from where I live, in Kansas City.

Now that I had the privacy of my own place, and my own machine, I didn't have any excuse - except for a little fear that I would get what I wished for......

The chat rooms are a lot like the story archive. Some people are morons. Some have intense fantasies that take hours to explain. But most are polite, converse simply. Greet by saying "Hi." then "What are you into?"

Complete openness and acceptance. No judgment. There's a certain comfort when a complete stranger can invite you to bite the head of his cock off, 30 seconds into conversation.

I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I knew I was submissive. That I was interested in losing my balls. I was bisexual. But was it fantasy or did I really want to be a eunuch.

Some of the people were clearly nuts. Some of the people were for real. I think that most of us were at the same point - try to find themselves.

The first night I was on, I ran into a master. Don't remember his name, but had a great time. For over an hour we talked, with me wrapping bands around the top of my sack, the base of my cock, struggling to stay hard. I loved it.

I came back to the chats, finding other males who wanted to eliminate their testicles or penises. Some wanted to serve a female dominant, more were gay and into becoming sexual slaves to masters. Others sought complete or partial nullification to serve their own needs, or as a response to some trauma or emotional problem. It was a community of people as sick and twisted as I was and it was amazing.

I have used chat rooms before; it's easy to develop a sense of community from people who you see every day but never really meet. I think that is even more intense in the archive's chat, and the IRC channels that are linked to. Bboy does an incredible job and service to the entire community.

I played the game, chatted with people, learned the

lingo then discovered Mistress Sultry.

A rarity on the chat, a real female with a real talent for domination, she was looking for a slave willing to do some incredible things.

She had an interest in castration, something I knew I wanted, and wanted it to be part of broader training, not just a quick slash in the night. We talked for hours and I was pleased by her openness.

We also talked about techniques, and found a mutual fascination with the idea of destroying testicles from the inside; we both loved the story "Exploding Balls" where a husband wakes to find the ruined remains of his testicles laying outside his scrotum.

I have hopes and fears of the next few steps but am anxious to continue the exploration. Hopefully, she may let me share those details.