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I never wanted to be male. Ever since I saw the difference between my two elder sisters and myself I wanted to be like them. When I was about three or four I used to pray before I went to sleep that I would not have a penis when I woke up in the morning. At about nine years of age, my father bought me a pony, and after I could ride he would take me out about every six weeks to a property to bring in cattle for dipping. We would go out and muster them and bring them in by midday, then run them through a poison dip to get rid of ticks, then leave them overnight. Early next day we would go out and separate the calves from the herd. Branding irons were put in the fire, a couple of the men would grab a calf, turn its head until it fell, then one would hold its head, the other its hind legs( feet pushing the underside leg forward, the hands puling the upper leg back, exposing the underside of the crotch). Then the brands were put on. Red hot irons onto the upper thigh. If it was a young bull, my father, or one of the others would come over with a knife and cut the balls from the animal. Then after it was over we would drive the cattle back to the paddock. The young bullocks were a bit shaky at first, but they seemed to get over it.
I was never quite sure what it was all about, and whenI asked the men I usually got a stupid reply, but eventually one of them told me that it took away their masculinity, made them docile and stopped them fighting and injuring each other. When I heard this I knew that was what I wanted and wished I could be like one of the calves. I realized that I didn't want to lose my penis, just to be castrated. I wasn't game enough to ask my father or one of the men, as I thought I would get into trouble, because when the men talked about it they made out that it was a terrible fate, but I couldn't see anything wrong with it, as the castrated bulls didn't seem to mind, and were quite content. When I turned twelve a cousin came to stay with me, and after a couple of weeks I confided in him. He was a bit surprised as he hadn't thought of anything like that, and when I asked if he would do it to me he just shrugged and said allright if I really meant it. I was pretty excited about it but couldn't see how to do do it without my parents finding out. Then I was asked if I wanted to stay with his parents for a couple of weeks. I went, and found that his father used to go away working for weeks at a time, and was away and probably wouldn't be back for two weeks. This was my chance. I reminded him that he said he would do it, and although he was a bit hesitant he just shrugged and said O.K. Early on the third day we went into the bush and he tied me to a tree, gagged me, then took my pants off and castrated me. At first it really hurt and I went close to passing out. This really frightened him, but then I came O.K., and after we stayed away for a couple of hours we went back to his place. I was a bit shaky, so we told his mother I had fallen from a tree. She wanted to take me to a doctor, but I persuaded her I was O.K. so that didn't happen. Next day I was sore and stayed in bed saying the fall had made me sore. After that I had no trouble. If I walked a bit stiff or had trouble sitting I just said the fall had done it. I came home after two weeks and no one was the wiser. I was getting pretty good marks at school so the next year my parents decided to send me to boarding school, as there was no high school near us. I had been learning the piano and loved it, and was getting good results at it. I liked boarding school, and as it was a religious school everything was private so no one knew of my condition. It got a bit embarrasing when I was sixteen and my voice hadn't changed, and this was to be one of the things which I came to hate. I left boading school at seventeen and the next year went to university to do and engineering course. I enjoyed it, and did pretty well. I joined a band playing keyboard and everything was great except for my damned voice. I was six foot three and when I spoke in this high voice everyone who heard me for the first time used to stop and look in surprise. I practised talking as low as I could and did manage to get down a bit in the register, but it was still a bit freakish, although my friends got used to it. I used to play a fair bit of tennis, but at university this wasn't available so I played squash. This kept me fit and kept my weight down, as I had done a bit of research and found that eunuchs grew fat, and I certainly didn't want that th happen. At nineteen I received a letter from the goverment saying I had been called up for National Service and to report at 7.00 p.m. to a hall for a medical checkup. I wasn't too worried as I knew that I would not be eligible. I arrived at the hall and went in. There was about thirty nineteen year old men standing around in the nude. I had grown used to seeing myself in the nude,no pubic hair, my dick was about the size of my index finger from the main knuckle unto the tip, with an empty bag hanging under it, and when I saw these men with immense cocks and long dangling balls, some of them covered with hair I thought "my God, I can't get undressed in front of them, I'll die", so I didn't, I went home. This was a bad time, as I realised I was always going to be unable to mix with other men, or women for that matter, and felt really desolate. However this soon passed as I reminded myself that it was my choice. Two weeks later I got another letter saying I had better explain or else. I wrote saying I had been sick. I then received another letter for another appointment. This wasn't so bad. I made sure I got there late, and there wasn't so many there and I waited until last. I went in, told the doctor I was unfit for service and gave the reason. He wouldn't quite believe me, although he should have because of my voice. He examined me and of course asked me what happened. I told him a story about a motorcycle accident, but then he said I could still serve in the forces. I said "how would you like to be in a shower full of men like this" and pointed to my ballbag. He said "you're right" and put me down as medically unfit. I graduated from university as an engineer and started work at an engineering firm. I was playing in a band and also playing squash. There was four of us playing squash together, and we used to travel to other clubs to play. Occasionally we would go to a tournament in another town. On one of these we had been playing for the day and were invited out to a dinner. The four of us went to shower. Normally the showers were private, but on this occasion we went in and there were six showers against the wall with do partitions or dividers. I couldn't get out of it, I had to strip and shower in front of my mates and about ten other players. I tried to keep my back to everyone but one of my mates looked at me and then did a double take and had a second look, and then siad "hey! look, Dave's got no balls". A few of them heard him and looked, but mainly they kept away, and funnily, covered themselves up as if I was a woman or something. The one who had first noticed me bought the matter up later, and said he was sorry he had said anything but he had got such a surprise he couldn't help it. I said not to worry, because at this stage I was getting a bit sick of the secrecy, and was pleased it was out in the open. I told them the motorcycle story, because this seemed to make it O.K. Whenever we went anywhere from then on they always made sure to cover me in the shower. Actually, they were pretty good mates. One of them came to me on one occasion and asked to have a look at me, so I undressed and laid on a bed. He looked at me and then felt my dick and ballbag, and said he was envious of me. I don't know if he really meant it but it made me feel better. I got quite a bit of attention from women when playing with the band, and they couldn't seem to accept that I didn't want to jump into bed with them. A couple of them were pretty persistent, and one in particular just wouldn't take no for an answer. I took her to my apartment, we had a couple of drinks and she came on pretty heavy. I told her I was a eunuch. She didn't know what a eunuch was, so I undressed her and then myself and showed her. She cried, and then said it didn't matter, she loved me. We lived together for a couple of years before we went our separate ways. I'm getting on in years now, but lookling back, I'm happy with my decision. Like I said, I never wanted to be male.
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