Serving "Father"

My story begins in 1974. I was fifteen and a runaway. Up until then, I had lived my entire life in Fresno, CA, which, although a city, still had a small town atmosphere.

My mother and father divorced when I was six. He moved back East. He stopped by a couple of times when I was a kid-when he traveled to the West Coast on business-but, since my Mom married Steve three years ago, he hadn’t even sent me a card on my birthday, or at Christmas. I didn’t have his address or phone number.

When it was just my mom and I, it wasn’t so bad, but that changed when she married Steve. I hated Steve! He didn’t hit me often-it would have been an acknowledgment of my existence-but, if he talked to me at all, it was to put me down. I could never do anything right-as far as he was concerned. I often overheard his talking to my mom about how worthless I was. She never stood up for me.

School had just ended. I had completed my sophomore year of high school. It was hot-I was fed up. There was no way that I was going to spend the summer listening to Steve tell me, and my mom, how worthless I was.

I had been saving my money-I had about fifty dollars. Steve had been putting his change in a large jar in his bedroom for years. After putting it through their change sorting machine, the bank gave me $315.67.

I packed some clothes, a pair of hiking boots, my tooth brush, toothpaste, a safety razor that my mom used-I shaved my upper lip about once a week-and a picture of my mom and me before she married Steve into my backpack. It was hot, so I was dressed in a T-shirt, jeans and sneakers.

I caught the 2:45 PM bus to LA Mom and Steve wouldn’t get home from work until almost 6 PM. I’d be long gone before then. Steve would be mad about his change jar, but he would be glad to be rid of me. It was only right that he had to pay for my going.

LA was too intense for a boy from Fresno. If some guy was nice to me, it was because he wanted to suck my cock-or wanted me to suck his. I wasn’t into that. Although I was a virgin-I was a shy kid-I liked girls. I decided to catch the bus to San Francisco.

San Francisco was cool. It was like a big carnival in many ways. It seemed as though there were musicians or performers on every street corner. I liked the cable cars. You could jump on, or off, of them while they were still moving. I rode them up and down the steep San Francisco streets, went to Fisherman’s Wharf, saw Lombard St., which they called the most crooked street in the world, and went to Golden Gate Park. I smoked dope for the first time, but didn’t like it that much. It made me too paranoid. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad, if I hadn’t already been a little scared-felt so lonely.

The next day I caught the subway (BART) over to Berkeley. When I got off the train, a guy came up to me. He was dressed in a suit. At first I thought that he was coming on to me-started to walk off, but he said that he was a member of a group of people-girls and boys-who lived as a community in an old fraternity house off the campus of U.C. Berkeley. He gave me the address-invited me to come over at 6 PM for dinner. Since I had less than $200 left, a free meal was welcomed.

I had assumed that I would be the only guest, but there must have been at least twenty. We filled our plates from a buffet line, then sat on folding chairs set up in a large room in the basement of their large two story house. I never talked to any of the other guests. We each had a member of the community living at the house on each side. Everyone was friendly. No one asked me if I was a runaway. For the first time since I’d left home, I didn’t feel lonely-or scared.

After we finished eating, a tall balding man in his forties-he looked like a college professor-stood up in front of the room. He was in charge of the house-of the community. He said that they were a group of people dedicated to making the world a better place. He gave some anecdotal examples of the friendliness of members in dealing with people outside of it, for example, how they would engage people on busses or elevators in conversation, or sing songs. He invited us to come up to their farm at Boone Valley for the weekend. Boone Valley was north of San Francisco. I decided to go.

There were a few conventional buildings-a house, a couple of workshops, a barn-several mobile homes, and a large, but insubstantial, meeting building capable of holding several hundred people.

It was evident that the old fraternity house was only part of their community. There was no less than two hundred people there that weekend! Some were guests, but there was at least two members for each guest. David, the guy who met me at the train, although he was obviously in some kind of a leadership position, took me under his wing. He later told me that he was in charge of a community owned janitorial company.

I was never left alone all weekend. At least one of the members was always at my side. We spent time in the meeting hall, listening to people talk about the community or holding hands, singing songs such as “You are my sunshine,” or in smaller groups. There were some prayers, but of a generic flavor. Jesus, or God, weren’t mentioned. The prayers were to “Father,” which I took to mean some kind of universal force, rather than any particular religion. I considered myself to be an agnostic, but this was OK with me.

In one group I was encouraged to sing, although I protested that I couldn’t. The only song I knew was “America the Beautiful.” In spite of myself, I felt good when everyone clapped as I finished. During the weekend, I was only complimented. No one ever put me down. We ended the weekend with a big game of dodge ball. It was fun.

David asked me to stay at the farm for the week. It sounded better than sleeping on a park bench in the city, worrying about getting mugged or raped, so I accepted. I had also come to really like David and some of the other people there. I didn’t want to do anything to disappoint them.

We were kept busy the whole week. We spent time in meetings, learning more about the community, held hands in groups singing songs, ate in small groups, encouraged to share our food with others in the group. We worked around the farm for four hours each day. From the time we got up in the morning, until we went to bed at night, we had but one hour a day to ourselves. During that hour, we weren’t allowed to speak! Most of us used it to bathe and clean up.

During the entire time I had been either at the house in Berkeley, or at the farm, no one had ever given a name to the group-to the community. On Thursday night of my first week at the farm I overheard some visiting members talking. When they left the room, I opened some drawers in a table in the living room. I found some brochures inside. They were Moonies! The brochures confirmed what I had overheard. Shit! I had heard about Moonies. I had to get my butt out of there!

We were somewhere out in the country. I didn’t even know where the nearest town was. I thought to myself, I’ll wait until Sunday. Then I can ride their bus back to Berkeley. It would only be three days, besides, I still liked the people-didn’t want to disappoint them. It would have been impossible to sneak out. I would have had to confront them. I wasn’t good at confrontation.

On Saturday, I met Susan. She came up to me in the meeting hall. She was beautiful! No girl as pretty as she had ever bothered to talk to me, and she came up to me! Every time we were in the hall, she was at my side. When we stood to sing, she held my hand. She wasn’t a guest. She was a member. On Sunday, when I told her I planned to leave, she begged me to stay.

“Just give it one more week,” she asked.

The week was much as the previous one had been, but, because I had always had an interest in psychology, I recognized some of the techniques which they used. I knew that they similar to those used in brainwashing. For example, once we were taken on a long hike, which ended in a climb up a high hill. They made us run. Everyone was at his limit of physical exhaustion. They told us to open ourselves-to let “Father” come into our hearts. The mind-the will-is weakest when one is physically exhausted.

Besides, I was in my second week of hearing only one side of things. When a couple of us sneaked out one night to talk about the Moonies, about what we were experiencing, they came to get us-made us go back to bed.

Still, I had begun thinking that it wouldn’t be so bad-staying there. Where else could I go. I couldn’t go home-not back to living with Steve. On Thursday, though, they started on their doctrine. I had the same problem that I have with Christianity-how can anyone believe this shit? Again, I made up my mind to leave on Sunday.

Susan was back on Saturday. When I told her, she cried. I felt my resolve weakening-I would have stayed another week for her-but didn’t tell her that I would. I guess that I wanted her to beg me to stay-to satisfy my need to know that she really wanted me. I asked her to sneak out that night shortly after midnight-to meet me in the meeting hall. Everyone should be asleep by then. She reluctantly agreed.

I slept in my clothes, as I usually did in the boy’s dormitory. I couldn’t sleep at all, thinking about-anticipating-meeting Susan. When my watch read midnight, I slid from my sleeping bag and crept to the door. Being as quiet as possible, I opened the door-walked to the hall.

I had been there almost ten minutes-afraid that she wasn’t coming-when Susan came into the hall. I thought my heart would pound its way through the wall of my chest. I ran to her-took her hands in mine-kissed her. She put her arms around me, pulled me to her. I felt the softness of her breasts against my chest. It was my first real kiss, the first time a girl had run her tongue in my mouth.

When I tried to pull her to the floor, she resisted.

“No, Jon. We can’t. ‘Father’ requires us to be celibate.”

“But, I love you. If I can’t have you, I don’t want to stay here.”

“Maybe someday ‘Father’ will decide that we can marry, but he’s the one who chooses who will marry whom. It’s not for us to decide.”

“Please! I’ve never made love to a girl. You can’t expect me to wait until we’re grown. If you don’t let me, I’ll leave tomorrow.”

I was blackmailing her. I knew it. I wasn’t proud of myself for doing it, but I wanted her more than life, itself. This time, she came with me when I pulled her to the floor. She cried softly, as I fumbled with the button-the zipper-on her jeans. I pulled them down, along with her panties. I almost creamed my jeans when I saw her lovely, soft, brown, bush. She was the first real girl whom I had ever seen-naked from the waist down. She was still crying when I kissed her, but she returned my kiss. With one hand, I pulled down my jeans and shorts-freeing my throbbing cock. As soon as it touched her bush, cum started spurting from it. It matted in her bush-shot all over her stomach. For a minute, all I knew was my pumping cock. I thought the cum would never stop. I hadn’t masturbated during the entire two weeks I’d been at the farm. When I came to my senses, I tried to insert my cock into her pussy, but by that time it was getting soft. I would have to wait a couple of minutes for it to get hard again.

I never got the chance. The door opened-the two monitors from my dormitory came in.

“What do you think you’re doing? ‘Father’ doesn’t allow sex between unmarried couples, especially not between children-like you.”

The last time I ever saw Susan-the picture still burned into my brain-was when one of the monitors marched her out the door.

The other one took me to the Director’s office. About fifteen minutes later, the one who had left with Susan returned with the Director.

“I understand that you were having sex with one of our members. What are your intentions. Do you plan to become a member?”

“Will I be able to see Susan?”

“No, we’ll have to move Susan to a different city. She’s going to have to undergo some indoctrination-purification. She should have known better. “Members are expected to remain celibate during their youth. They are to subsequently marry, have children, and create an ideal family which contributes to world piece. The Blessing or mass wedding ceremony is the most important Unification ritual. Rev. Moon matches up each couple a month (or less) in advance, selecting them from among the membership. The bride and groom are expected to marry...A Holy Wine Ceremony is conducted before marriage: this purifies the couple so that they are able to have children free of Fallen Nature (resulting from original sin inherited from Adam and Eve).””

“If a child results from this illicit act, it won’t be free of Fallen Nature.”

“If I can’t see Susan, then I’m not staying.”

“OK, we need to discuss how we’re going to handle this. We can’t have it disrupting the community. Howard,” he said to one of the monitors, “would you get us a couple of Cokes?”

Howard handed a glass of Coke to the Director, and then one to me. I eagerly took it. I love Cokes, but hadn’t had one during the two weeks I’d been on the farm. I gulped it down.

As I sat there listening to the Director, I was progressively becoming very sleepy. It was late-I could barely keep my eyes open.

It was light out when I awoke. I was on a bed in the infirmary with a hospital gown on under the sheet. There was some pain in my groin. I lifted up the sheet, pulled up the hospital gown. There were bandages on my crotch-a catheter from my cock.

When I yelled, the medic-a male-entered.

“What happened? What did you do to me?” I asked.

“We had to castrate you. You demonstrated that we couldn’t trust you around our girls.”

“Why didn’t you just let me leave?”

“No one...ever...leaves.”

It was four years before I left the farm. It wasn’t until I had assisted in the castration of a boy that couldn’t stop masturbating that they truly trusted me off the farm. After that, they knew that I couldn’t tell what had been done to me. Of course, I was still always in the company of other members.

For twenty-four years it’s been my duty to identify and castrate those who are unable to exercise proper sexual restraint.

Of course, now I realize that Satan resided in my testicles. What I did with Susan was contrary to “Father’s”-Rev. Moon’s-will. I was attempting to subvert his plan-for couples to have children free of Fallen Nature.

I lost my balls, but saved my soul. Sometimes, though...I wonder what it would have been like-what it would have felt like-to stick my cock into Susan’s pussy.