It always was.

I am a frequent flyer in the chat room. I never have a problem baring my soul to whoever wants to chat. I never hold back and am (generally) quite honest with anyone. That though is the nature of a true sub and I find myself in that category most of the time. I never asked to be male, hate the fact that I am and exist only because I have to.

I have lived this lie all my adult life. Had a wife, raised the kids, but I am done with that. I want to be free now. I worked hard to free myself from debt and undid most of the mistakes I had made, essentially being free from society by being unencumbered from debt, leaving me free to relocate if I found a situation that would allow me the freedom to loose the manhood I hated and be free to be just a servant. I would no longer having to deal with the responsibilities that revolve around a relationship that is other than one of service.

But once again, I was jilted at the last minute. It seems that everyone wants a servant without benefits, but no one wants to be ‘the one’ that is responsible for that person, should they choose to do something as drastic as to shed their manhood and become just a possession, and no longer a ‘person’.

What is this? After all, it is my choice! I never viewed it as a sacrifice, but a correction of nature that saw fit to cram me in this male body that I loathe. Why does someone I do not give permission to take responsibility to this, want to take credit for it?

The problem here is that I want this. I cannot just go out and have my genitals removed without having a situation in place already where I can thrive. I cannot do that. No one would understand. But when I find someone who wants this, and really feels that that is something that would make their life and world a whole lot more complete, it seems THEY are the ones that get second thoughts when it comes right down to actually having coffee face to face.

I never figured that out.

Well I guess that leaves me with my dreams and the forums and chat rooms.

I struggle on, and wonder where the real people are and if I will ever have a life.

(As always this is a purely fictional rambling of a frustrated male locked in a world that has absolutely no understanding of anything outside of what they define (narrowly at that) as normal. Feel free to e-mail me if you need an understanding shoulder)