Reflections of Nate I

The smaller boy yelped, his eyes going wide as grabbed at his blanket. He couldn’t quite get himself covered in time, however, before his older brother Nate got a good look at his four and half inch and tightly circumcised erection with his left hand hovering guiltily over it. Once he did, he sighed and realized the futility of it. He bit his lip and stared at him, remembering.

“How long you been standin’ there?” the younger boy demanded.

“Long enough,” Nate replied, a familiar burning sensation building up within him. God, he was jealous of the kid! He glanced around at the models, the Nascar posters, the scattered clothing and shoes here and there. He looked over at the closet, the door firmly closed, and the scattered videos and CD’s here and there on the far end of the room where the TV and stereo were. If I had it all to do over again … He sniffed.

Typical boy’s room.

“Don’t you even know how to knock?”

Nate smiled and stepped into his little brother’s bedroom, closing the door behind him. “Like I said, Devon, you’re not doing that right. If you don’t do it right, it won’t feel as good!”

Devon stared at him, unable to believe what he was hearing. He had just been caught masturbating by his older brother and expected to be put on the spot : scolded, punished, blackmailed, or worse even – ratted out to mom and dad! And instead, Nate had just said that he wasn’t doing it right?! It didn’t make sense. He stared at Nate in disbelief, covered but too late, and ran his hand over his shortly cropped crew cut of brown hair.

Nate sighed again, a million different thoughts and images running through his head. He always does that when he’s nervous. What do I do now? How do I handle it? Wonder how many times he’s done it? Surely this isn’t … no, couldn’t be, could it? Jesus, how stupid could I have been for doing that? Oh well … what’s done is done. No sense ruining it for him.

“Don’t tell me you don’t know what you’re doing?” he asked.

Devon looked away and nodded slowly. “I thought you’d be on the stupid computer again,” he muttered, “and well, I thought … I thought you …”

“You thought I wouldn’t notice? In case you didn’t know it, little brother, your bed makes noise when you do that. I heard it on my way to the bathroom. You’re gonna get blisters if you keep rubbin’ at it dry like that.”

“So what are you, the expert?” the younger boy demanded, his face beet red.

“I used to be,” Nate replied, “Don’t go anywhere. Be right back.”

He returned shortly with a small bottle of lotion and to Devon’s surprise, suddenly pulled back the blanket. Devon yelped again, his hands flying to his crotch. Nate, however, had time to notice the changes. It had been a good while since he’d seen his little brother naked, and the boy was beginning the struggle with puberty. Before his hands could get his package covered up, Nate noticed the small growth of pubic hair surrounding the topmost areas of his crotch. There wasn’t much, and it wasn’t thick and coarse yet, but it was there. The childhood softness of the boy’s body was also beginning to be replaced by the onset of muscle tone as well, but there wasn’t a great deal of that either. He flexed his own arm. Not yet.

“What the fuck are you doin’, pervert?!” the boy squeaked.

Nate grinned. “If you’re gonna do it, you’re gonna do it right, kid!”

Does this make me gay? I mean, I think … I know I look at guys, but this is my little brother! Why the hell do I feel like this? WHY am I doing this? I should leave … I should call him some dumb name and leave!

But he didn’t.

Devon blushed even brighter, his hands desperately trying to hide his nakedness. Nathan laughed, tossing the bottle at him. It bounced off of his tight stomach and he grunted. Unconsciously, he reached for it, exposing his obvious erection again.

“Eighteen and knows it all,” the boy muttered, “I suppose you’re gonna show me how, now?”

Nate nodded. “As a matter of fact, I am.”

“What’r you, the expert?” Devon demanded.

“Used to be,” Nate answered with heavy regret in his voice. Thankfully, the boy didn’t catch it and ask what he meant. He certainly didn’t want HIM to know! Hell, he didn’t want ANYONE to know. He could still hardly believe it himself, and it had been four months. Thank God the days of showering in gym class at school were over! THAT in itself had been bad enough beforehand.

Four months since he had come home, four months time to recover. Things were fine, no infections, no complications; well, one complication.

He wanted to jack off and couldn’t.

“How old are you now, Devon?” he asked, genuinely curious. He couldn’t remember.

“Thirteen, just,” the boy replied, “dumbass!”

Nate grinned, stepping closer. Devon edged back on the bed towards the wall. He had been about twelve or thirteen himself when he’d discovered the Internet, and almost fourteen when he’d seen that damn video. In fact, a copy of it was still buried in his sock drawer. How many nights had he secretly watched that flick, some Asian thing, jerking off and again as the one scene was rewound over and over as some guy on an operating table had his penis removed? How long had he fantasized about HIM being on the operating table, about waking up to find HIS own penis gone?

How many times he watched that nice dick slide off down the catheter, to be split and discarded like so much trash? Certainly the tape was well worn by now, and he realized that he hadn’t watched it once since he had returned home from his trip. And how many times had he talked about it online in the chat room on that castration page? True, most of them were in it just for castration, balls off only, but there were some who wanted either the whole thing gone or just the penis. And how many people had he copied it off for to mail out? Then he’d discovered video ripping, DSL, and the MPG fest had begun!

Thank God for password security, he breathed, thinking about what might happen if Devon found the video, the MPG, or worse yet, the chat room! He just see the boy going online in there, naïve, real name and all, and talking to strangers about having various parts of his male anatomy cut off!

That was not going to happen, period.

In fact, it had been almost a month since he’d gone back there. The emails were piling up, but somehow he just couldn’t bring himself to read them and reply. He’d gotten carried away by it all and his own enthusiasm and done it, planned it so well. Now here he was.

“So what are you doin’? Hello? Earth to Nate?” Devon asked.

Nate shook his head. “Sorry. Just remembering. Now, the first thing you need to do is move the mattress over so there’s no noise and then stretch out and relax. “

Devon did that, and Nate took in the shape of his near perfect adolescent body as the boy adjusted the bed. He knew it wouldn’t be long until the arms were suddenly too long, the joints hurt, the changes running amok. Growing pains, then hormones.

And raging hard-ons.

Nate bit his lip as Devon stretched back out on the bed.

“I CAN’T believe we’re doin’ this,” he demanded, “Is this illegal?”

“No,” Nate replied. “There’s nothing wrong with an older brother teaching his little brother how to jack off the right way.”

“Oh,” Devon replied, blushing again. “Well, I don’t play with it much, I swear. I never really tried before, I mean, sometimes I …”

As the boy stumbled over what he was trying to say, making excuses for being caught with his pants down, Nate ran it all through his own head, mournfully remembering his own days of raging puberty and urges some five years prior and his strange trip through it which had led him to where he was now. “So, you shoot yet?” Nate asked, interrupting his little brother and cutting right to the chase.

“Only at night when I dream,” Devon confessed. “Am I ok?” he added, suddenly near tears.  Nate sat down on the bed. “Please don’t tell on me!” Devon begged.

“Devon, there’s nothing wrong with it. You had wet dreams. That’s what happens when you build up too much cum inside your balls and it can’t get out. Why do you think you wanna jack off so much? It’s your brain telling you that something has to go, and when it doesn’t, you fire it off in your sleep!”

“What if I get caught?” he moaned in a pathetic voice.

Nate remembered feeling the same way, and he smiled. “I just caught you, and you need to be more careful is all. Do it in the bath. Do it when no one’s home. At least in the bath there’s no evidence.”

“Is that what you used to do?” the boy asked, and Nate cringed at the words ‘used to.’

He nodded.

“What about my sheets?”

Nate suddenly laughed. “You sleep naked?” he asked in amazement.

Devon flushed again and nodded. “I like how it feels.”

Nate noticed that his brother’s erection hadn’t gone down a bit. For his age, it looked as if Devon were going to be well off later in life. Again, he suppressed the jealousy. “Man, I wasn’t brave enough for that until I was like sixteen,” he admitted, “AND there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s your body, you should like it and not be ashamed of it. Get out all the sheets you’re hidin’ and I’ll wash ‘em before mom and dad get home. Now, what you need to do is get some lotion on your hand.”

The boy did that, hardly able to believe he was getting first hand lessons on how to masturbate! And all this time he’d thought that his older brother was a weirdo, just wanting to be online and never dating or anything. He never went to school functions, didn’t seem to hang out with many friends, a few, the same ones, but he never dated or went out anywhere much. He seemed to be in love with his computer, and Devon had always thought he was just a dork. Yet here he was …

“Now, rub it all over your dick. If you don’t use lotion, you get blisters. Hell, when I started I didn’t know either and trust me, friction burns suck! Now, once you get the dick lubed up, just start moving your hand up and down it, slow. Don’t try to go too fast, or you’ll shoot and it’ll be over before you know it. Here,” he offered, handing him a tissue. Then he handed him a few more, unsure of how much penned up boy spunk was going to be coming out of the kid.

Devon did as he was told, his face still flaming as Nate watched and nodded. “Is this it?” he asked, “What now?”

“Just keep doing it,” Nate offered. “Think about what turns you on, and keep your mind on it. Forget me, just think of what gets you horny. Think of what you were dreamin’ of when you had that last wet dream.”

Forget about me, I’m not here. I wasn’t here for a month or so earlier this summer, and now school’s gonna start but not all of Nate is going back to school, just most of him! Go at it kid, hang onto it!

Again, the boy did as Nate said. In a few minutes, his eyes were closed and his hand was moving a bit faster. “Pay more attention to the head of it,” Nate advised, “It’s more sensitive.” If Devon heard him, he didn’t reply.

The younger boy had begun to moan very softly, his mind obviously filled with something that turned him on. Nate wondered what it was, and thought of that video again. He felt the familiar internal stirrings, and his balls began to creep up a bit. He knew how Devon felt; he’d had about three or four wet dreams in the last month. You gotta have relief somehow, I guess, he thought as the boy continued his actions.

“Keep going,” he advised again, reaching over and taking Devon’s free hand to move it down to his balls. “Work with those too, easy! Don’t rack yourself. Put a little gentle pressure downward on ‘em.”

“OK,” Devon whispered, his mind obviously occupied a very stupid look on his smooth face.

The shaving, Nate knew, would come much later. He hadn’t shaved until he had been sixteen, almost seventeen. God, I hope you’re enjoying this, you little shit! He thought to himself.

Devon obviously was.

After a few more minutes, the boy’s stroking of his penis became more frenzied. He sped up, and Nate leaned back. His moanings became more pronounced, and Nate was profoundly grateful that his parents were out to dinner for the night. Devon’s back began to arch, and his eyes clenched shut tight. He moved his hand faster and faster, his modest erection throbbing in his grip. Whatever he was fantasizing about, it sure had to be a goodie, or so Nate thought.  “Aughhh!” Devon cried out, his jerking slowing down.

“What?!” Nate asked, having gone to rummage through the dirty clothes for the soiled and incriminating sheets. He had no idea how their parents would react, but he didn’t care to find out either. He’d been able to hide it, and he’d do it again if he had to.

At least for Devon. Nate knew that he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

As he got up, his legs trembled and his breathing was sharp. He was so damn excited, watching his little brother jerk off!

“It hurts, kinda!” Devon announced, his eyes opening wide.

“Don’t stop,” Nate ordered, “Keep going!”

Devon did that, and seconds later, he was twisting and making funny little noise as he jerked at his penis. He clamped his legs together, began moving his back so that his butt left the mattress as he fucked his own hand. He LOOKED as if he were suffering, but Nate knew better. He just wished he could be sure, but …

Then Devon’s back arched high and he yelled loudly. Spasms began to tear at his body as the first shot fired off. “Dammit!” Nate said to himself, “tissues!”

But it was too late.

Devon was still jerking, and firing off string after string of light colored yellow-white fluid that hit him in the face, covered his chest, belly, and splattered unceremoniously all over his Jeff Gordon poster at the head of the bed. Still, he didn’t slow down. As he continued, and his penis stopped it’s shooting after the sixth or seventh string, Nate felt a wet spot forming in his pants. His crotch felt as if it were on fire, and his balls ached. He pressed a hand against his loose jeans, and it felt good. His first thought was to pull his pants off and join Devon, for visual aids of course, nothing mutually sexual.

God, what kind of pervert would that make me? he wondered.

But it didn’t do much for him, and he wasn’t sure what to do. His mind raced, and he pressed harder. His balls let him know they were still there, but in a moment it passed.

Silently, he cursed himself and his fantasies.

He stared in amazement as Devon finally stopped, his erection beginning to fade. He moved his hand off of his penis and stared at it. His chest was covered in white fluid, and so was his right cheek. There were splatters on his forehead and in his hair, and the poster was pretty much ruined. He was still shaking.

“What was that?” he asked in a low voice, his dark brown eyes wide.

Nate laughed despite his own futile urges. “That, little bro’, was your first conscious orgasm. In other words, ya just cummed. How’d it feel?”

“Oh, shit!” Devon said, “I thought I was gonna die!” he added happily, a broad smile on his face.

“Just be careful. Don’t wear it out. Wipe this up, and try to remember to use tissue or a sock or something to catch it in next time,” he advised, as a bit of cum rolled down off of Devon’s forehead and dripped off of the tip of his nose. He wiped at it and sniffed.

“Gross!” he stated in flat voice.

“Clean it up, I’ll get the sheets,” Nate offered. He sniffed again. The smell of the fresh cum was strong, and it was evident that Devon’s balls were in full production.

“It smells!” the boy replied.

“So do you. Go take a bath, and don’t even try it again tonight,” he warned. “You do it TOO much, and it won’t feel as good. Pretty soon, you wanna do it and feel it and it just won’t feel that good. Once a day, got it?”

Devon nodded, his eyes wide. “I’m not gonna like, uhhh, go blind or anything?”

Nate shook his head. “NO. That’s something old-fashioned parents made up to scare boys out of jacking off a long time ago. Trust me. It won’t break off, either.”

Listen to me, won’t break off! Jesus, what am I, stupid? That’s no guarantee it won’t COME off though!

“But it smells!” Devon repeated.

“Air freshener will cure that. Besides, it stinks in here anyway. You need a bath, too, ‘cause wipin’ it off of YOU won't help and someone will notice,” Nate told him, picking up the incriminating laundry and heading out.

He listened as the water began to run, and then waited in the laundry room a bit until the tub had filled. He pictured his little brother naked in the bath, playing with himself, scrubbing the cum off of him and wondering. He tired to remember his first time, and found that he really couldn’t. Hell, he’d done it so much that he’d lost track of what did the best for him or how.  It no longer mattered, anyway, because Nate wouldn’t be jerking off anymore.

He dropped the semen stained sheets into the Kenmore and let it run.

And while he certainly didn’t begrudge his little brother a good wank, he was still jealous as hell. He went back upstairs and listened to the splashing noises a bit. “It won’t work again so soon, I said!” he yelled at the door.

“How’d you know?” a squeaky voice replied in shock.

“Leave it alone for a while, Beavis,” he ordered.

“Shut up, Butthead,” Devon replied in a very bad impersonation of his favorite cartoon characters.

Then Nate went back to his room, still amazed at what he had done. It didn’t really hit him until he got online and logged onto the page. Not just any page, THE PAGE. The page where it had all started after the video, the page where his chat buddies hung out and talked about cutting it off. He logged on to the chat room.

“Whasssssup?” one chatter asked.

“Long time, no see,” another said, and then a flood of greetings from the regulars.

There was a pause, then one member of the chat room asked, “So, you finally cut it off?”

Antoher asked, “Where you been for a damn month? Mexico? Thailand?”

Nate, logged in as ‘18_n_nodick,’ thought for a moment before replying. He knew, unlike most of the fantasy driven chatters, that HE was different. Nate had realized his fantasy, made it real. Most of them hadn’t.

And now he was paying for it.

“I just taught my little brother how to jack off.” He typed, and hit ENTER.

After all, he WAS a chat room regular. He’d been talking to most of these people and trading MPG’s, JPG’s, emails, etc. for years.

“So did you teach him good?” someone asked.

“Yes I did,” Nate replied, “He’s got it down already!”

“But where you been, man?” a regular asked again.

“Yea, it’s been forever,” another agreed.

“I bet he went to Mexico! Workin’ boy saved his pennies and took a vacation from Willy!”

There was laughter in the room as Nate gathered his nerves. He wasn’t’ sure he could do it. True, he did work. He worked full time at the local grocery store in the summer, stocking shelves or sacking or cashiering. Everything. He had saved up every dime he had made, and when he was ready, he had asked his parents about the trip. He remembered how he had made up the excuses of the beaches, the resorts, all of it! He’d cited that he’d wanted to go for a long time, and was going with some friends before they all took off for college. One big road trip, but not like the movie! They’d all go together! He’d begged, and then when he’d encountered resistance, lied.

He still felt guilty about lying to them.

But didn’t the ends justify the means? He had been allowed to go, driven in fact, since it was only two states and the border away.

And he’d gone alone.

He was still thinking about doing it when he heard his door open, one hinge squeaking a bit. In the doorway stood Devon, still damp and wearing only a large white cotton towel.

“What are we eatin’ since the ‘rents are gone for the night?” he asked.

Nate sighed and turned off the screen, motioning the boy over. Devon approached him slowly, one hand gripping the loose knot in the towel. As he walked, Nate noticed the inevitable erection poking at it. He smiled and reached for his wallet. “Well come here!”

Devon did as told, and took a twenty and a ten from him. “Order pizza. Whatever you want. Soda, breadsticks, cheese, I don’t care. Just get enough for ME too, hogjaws!”

“You lookin’ at porn again?” Devon asked, grinning from ear to ear.

“Wouldn’t YOU like to know?”

No, I’m not, he thought, And if I was, what the hell could I do about it? Go to sleep and have a wet dream tonight like YOU do? Shit …

Devon clutched the money in one hand and held the towel with the other. “Thanks!” he squeaked, his facing turning red.

Nate laughed at him. “Now, go order it already!” he ordered, and Devon turned to go, he reached out and grabbed the back of the white towel and jerked it.

It came off easily enough, but the boy didn’t drop the cash.

“You asshole!” he shouted, his face flaming.

“But you’re so cute!” Nate retorted, holding the towel up out of reach.

“Pervert!” the boy accused, “Gimme!”

Nate laughed, and when Devon had gotten his towel back and fled, he sat back down. He turned the screen back on.

“Where’d you go?”

“So did you do it?”

“Yea what gives?”

The questions poured in, and finally Nate took a deep breath. I can do this. I can turn the camera on, I can prove it. All they have to do is look.

He did that, and told them all to migrate to a chat room with webcam capabilities. Having a fast connection and having been ready, however, Nate arrived first. As the regulars filed in, he aimed the camera for a wide shot and stood up. He pulled his shirt off.

“Take it off!”

“Take it all off!”

“He did take it off!”

“That’s where he’s been, I told ya’s.”

“Bullshit. He didn’t do it.”

“Fuck you, I say he did. Bet?”

“What?”

“Your dick!”

“You’re on!”

The comments went on and on until Nate was down to his briefs. There were comments on these as well, and he paused. The chat room grew “quiet,” and he could hear Playstation sounds coming from Devon’s room. At least he didn’t have THAT to worry about. The last thing he needed was for the boy to walk in on him naked in front of his webcam!

And the things you’d see if you did, Devon. You don’t’ need to see THIS. You don’t need to know. You don’t need these kinds of ideas!

Then he pulled off his briefs and just stood. Sweat began to pop out on his body, all over, and he stepped closer. The camera refocused, and he took another deep breath.

For a long time, no comments came up on the screen.

Then they all hit at once.

“Oh, shit!”

“I can’t believe it!”

“He really did it!”

“I told you that’s where he’s been!”

It took a while for the comments to subside, and Nate was fairly sure that most of them were busily jerking off while he stood there. The sight of him should have been almost enough to set them off, anyway. Nate was a good-looking young man with a short ivy-type haircut. His hair and eyes, like his little brother’s, were both dark and he was a very well developed and healthy young man. He knew that the girls, and sometimes other guys, checked him out regularly and he didn’t mind that.

But that’s all changed now, idiot. You’re probably a virgin for life, now. You should have done something, anything, while you had the chance, girl or boy! Why the hell didn’t you? Shit, Michael would have done something, you know it! The way he looks at you, the comments he makes? How could he NOT be? But now it’s too late!

Nate then stared down at his naked body, noting that the full shave that he had given himself before the trip had started to grow back in. In fact, it was almost back to half of what it had been. He stared at his crotch, taking in the sight of his low-hanging balls in their slightly pink sac.

He then gripped them, and the comments from the room flooded in! He moved his hand and pulled them down and away a bit, as he began to tremble slightly. He then ran his index finger up and along the pink line that led from his mid-scrotum and up to where the pubic hair began. He touched that place, sensitive, well-healed, and gasped. He thought about taking it in his hand, like so often in the past and wanking in front of his webcam along with his online friends.

But he didn’t.

He couldn’t.

He shivered and ran his finger over the slight line of pink scar tissue again, smoothing the area where, only a month or so before, his penis had been. He thought again of Devon, what they’d done, and how jealous he was now!

Nate had indeed come back from Mexico alright, but his penis hadn’t.