My story

Some of the folks here at the hospital told me that they thought that it might help me come to grips with my problem if I wrote things down on paper. Like, this isn't gonna be fancy or anything, but here goes. My name is Steve, and I'm 16 years old, and a junior in high school, and I have cancer. How's that for bad news.

It started about four weeks ago in the middle of August. See I'm on the track team at school and that means that we have to get a physical every year. We have a choice of going to our family doctor, or the school sets up one day near the end of summer when a doctor comes to the school and gives anybody who wants one an exam. Like it's not much of an exam - I think they just want to make sure that you're not going to drop dead during the middle of a race or anything. It's kind of funny in a way, cause the doctor who gives the exams is like old and fat - he must weigh over 300 pounds. Until they made the whole school smoke-free last year he used to smoke during the exams. So here we are in pretty good shape and there's this fat old guy, smoking away, lecturing us on how to take care of our bodies.

So there are about thirty other boys and we're all lined up in the high school gym and we're only wearing our underwear. That's probably a good idea, given that it's about 85 outside and close to 100 inside. We're all sweating away and our bodies are covered with a glistening sheen of moisture. We're doing the usual boy things like making loud jokes about each other's bodies, and pushing and shoving some, and one of the guys back down the line has this huge erection so we're on his case about being a faggot. Mostly though, we're just wishing this dumb ass exam were over with so we could go and play basketball or take a swim. Part of the exam is when the doc checks us for a hernia or whatever. It's kinda gross cause we're standing in front of him and we have to drop our shorts and he sticks a couple of fingers up under our balls and tells us to turn our head and cough. He didn't use to tell us to turn our head but I guess a coupla years ago one of the guys coughed and spit a big loogie out on him. That musta been funny. So anyway, he's feeling away down there and I'm staring at the wall and trying to pretend that there isn't this fat old guy playing with my private parts when he says something like ".....have you noticed this lump here?" I didn't know what he was talking about so I said "no" and he told me that I should go to my family doctor to get it checked out. No big deal I figured, but I couldn't get a medical approval for track till I had done it so my mom set up an appointment for the next week.

When we went to our family doctor - well first let me tell you about our family doctor. It's really a group practice where there are like 5 doctors that work in the same office. So you don't know which one you're going to see whenever you go in. The problem is that one of them is a young woman and no way was I going to let her check out my balls. Like, she's OK for an earache, but not for boy-stuff. So I was trying to explain to the nurse at the front desk why I wanted to have one of the men doctors see me, without everyone else in the waiting room hearing that I needed my balls checked out. Finally she kinda got the idea and I got to see one of the men. He felt around a little, and I'm doing my looking at the wall thing, when he says ".....yes, there are definitely some sort of growths on your testicles. Might be as simple as some fluid-filled cysts, but we should get them checked out." I wish I had asked him what he meant by "checked out" but I still figured that this was no big deal. So he made an appointment with a specialist at the hospital a couple of days later.

So I figured this specialist was just going to feel me up again but he wanted to do something called a biopsy. I asked him what that was and he told me that was when they took a small sample of the tissue so they could check it out in the lab. This is when it started to get bad. Turns out the way they take a sample is to stick a needle in you and suck out a little tissue. And this wasn't your run of the mill flu-shot needle, but one that looked like it would scare the shit out of an elephant. So he swabbed some antiseptic on my scrotum and gave me some local anesthetic and shoved the needle in. Just before he did it he said something like ".....you might feel something sharp for a second." Sharp? When he shoved that needle into one of my balls I thought my fuckin head was gonna blow off. It felt like the whole fuckin marching band had kicked me in the crotch. I let out this big groan and almost fainted from the pain. So he pulls the needle out and says something like ".....there, that wasn't bad, was it?" And I'm just laying there on the examining table and trying to learn how to breathe again.

Later that afternoon I was sitting in the family room watching TV, and thinking about the various neat things I could do to that guy who did the biopsy on me, when the hospital calls and says that the lab results are back and could my mom and I come back in and talk with the specialist again. So we went back in and he had us sit down and he said that the tests had shown conclusive evidence of some long name that I didn't understand in both of my testicles. I asked him what that meant in normal language and he told me that I have cancer. And worse, it's a kind that grows fast, and even worse, they think that it may have spread to other parts of my body. Mom almost fainted at that point.

We took a break and got calmed down and then he told us that we have basically two choices; either do nothing and I'll probably be dead within a year, or aggressively treat the cancer and I will have an excellent chance to survive. My mom asked what the treatment would be (I'm like, figuring that there would be some pills or something) and he said that they would have to remove both of my testicles, and follow up with some kind of therapy. That fucking asshole wanted to de-nut me! I told him no fucking way, and a couple of other things about his biopsy skills, and his mother and all that. After I thought it over awhile though, I figured that if I let them do what they want, about the worst is that I won't be able to have any kids. On the other hand, I'm only sixteen now and wasn't really trying to start a family right away, so there are worse things - like dying in a year. So I agreed to have the surgery. It's September 13th and I go into the hospital tomorrow for the surgery. They said that it's not like major surgery or anything and that I'll only have to stay at the hospital one night. I'm sure not looking forward to tomorrow, AT ALL!

September 15th - Well, the surgery is over with and I'm home now - less two of the most favorite parts of my body. When I woke up from the anesthetic, the first thing I did was to check out my equipment. Like, you hear all these stories about how somebody goes into the hospital for one thing and they screw up and do something else. Like, I was a little worried that I'd wake up and find out they had cut off my dick or something. But things looked pretty much the same, except that there were some stitches on my scrotum, and it was really swollen. The Doc said that when they removed my testicles they took out some lymph glands or something that drain fluid and that until things healed up in a couple of weeks, the fluid build-up would cause some swelling. Some swelling! Shit, it looked like I had a cantaloupe down there. Mom had to get me a larger pair of Jockey's and no way was I going to be able to get my pants on. I had to wear a robe when I went home from the hospital, and I'm like, trying to walk down the hall with this huge sack of fluid slapping back in forth in my crotch, and pretend that everything's normal.

The doctor said that later on after the swelling goes down they can put in some "artificial testicles" to make things look more normal. I guess they are just like big plastic marbles or something. I told him I wanted the biggest pair they made and he laughed. Well I figured what the heck, might as well give myself something to advertise to the girls when I wear my tight jeans.

The doctor said they'd also eventually start me on a series of male hormone treatments to replace the hormones that my body wouldn't be making any more. So my body should develop normally and everything - just no kids. The other thing I noticed was that I didn't have any hair in my crotch anymore. Like I have blond hair so it wasn't really dark down there or anything, but now it was all gone. Actually, it wasn't just my crotch that got shaved. I had a fine line of hair running from my crotch up to my navel and a little past it, and that was gone too. The doctor told me that after they gave me the anesthetic that a nurse shaved me. No shit. I'm glad I wasn't awake for that! So anyway, I have to take it easy and rest at home for two weeks (no school!!!!!) and then go in and start the therapy.

September 21 - I'm getting pretty tired of just lying around the house and watching TV. Mom's being pretty nice to me, getting me tapes from the corner video store to watch, and fixing me snacks every so often. This morning after she had gone to work, I was sitting on the couch watching the Today Show, and just wearing my Jockey shorts cause of the swelling, and I noticed that the bulge in my crotch still looked larger than normal, but not as big as right after the operation. I figured that maybe the swelling had gone down enough that I could get dressed for the first time since the operation. Just to check things out, I tried on a pair of my jeans. Boy do I look big. It looks like I have a football stuffed away in there. I had a hard time even getting my jeans zipped up. Geez, if I stayed this way would the other guys be jealous! Steve the stallion.

September 30th - I went into the hospital for my first therapy today. It wasn't too bad to start out with. I just had to lie back in a chair and they put this needle into a vein in my arm, and had one of those bottles full of liquid connected to the needle - just like in the TV shows except the nurses were uglier. Why can't I get a nurse that looks like "Baywatch?" So I'm just sitting there and watching TV and thinking that maybe this won't be so bad after all when I threw up. For about two hours I had the worst stomach cramps that I can ever remember. I'm home now, relaxing and watching TV. The worst of the sickness is over with but I'm probably not going to eat much for supper tonight. The nurses told me that after a few more sessions, my body will get used to the therapy and the treatments won't make me so sick. It looks like I'll have to go into the hospital for therapy every two weeks. And of course there are a couple of kinds of pills that I have to take every day. I guess the good news is that the kind of chemotherapy that I'm getting isn't the kind that makes your hair fall out. That would be too gross.

October 2nd - I only missed one day of school when I was sick from the therapy. Today was kinda embarrassing though. I can't participate in track because of the surgery but I still take regular gym classes as long as I'm careful not to get kicked in the wrong place or anything. The guys really got on my case in the showers today. They haven't said too much about my having to have my balls removed, but they were really kidding me today about my shaved crotch. I had only told my best friend Mark, about why my crotch was shaved but that asshole blabbed it all over school. Even the girls know. So in the showers today the guys were saying things like ".....tell us what it felt like when she was shaving you Stevie.....", and ".....did she give you a hand job at the same time.....", and ".....can you give me her phone number so she can do the same thing for me.....", and ".....you really look cute with no hair there, are you going to keep it that way.....", and ".....nice Steve, I have more hair in my armpits than you do in your crotch....." Some friends.

October 8th - Well, the stitches are out and everything is pretty much back to normal - except that my scrotum is just an empty sack now. The swelling from the surgery has gone down now so the things that are left are pretty much back to normal size. I noticed when I put on my Jockey shorts and looked at myself in the mirror that the bulge in my shorts is noticeably smaller then it was before. The same thing when I put on my jeans - they aren't as tight in the crotch as they used to be. I still fill them out, just not as much as before. It's just that I can notice the difference - I hope nobody else will. I guess it's a guy thing. Like the first thing you do when you meet a new guy is to check out the size of the bulge in his pants. And when we're taking showers after gym, you can see everybody checking everybody else out the first couple of times. So I do look a little smaller now. It used to take me both hands to cup my crotch but now I can do it with one.

I can still get erections though - thank God for small favors, or maybe for "BIG" ones. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to jerk off after the operation but that still works too. Well, there is one difference, when I come now I don't get nearly as much liquid coming out. Like I used to get a real handful in big hot jets, now I only get one or two drops of a watery fluid. Still feels as good though. Look on the bright side - my bed doesn't get as messy anymore when I have a wet dream!

October 26th - Kirsten and I went to a movie tonight. I guess I haven't written about Kirsten before. She's my girlfriend. Things are pretty much back to normal between us now. Like back in September I was pretty upset for awhile and I didn't see her too much. Now we're back to going out a couple of times a week. I was kidding her tonight that I was probably the safest guy that she could go out with now - I carry built-in protection. She thought that was pretty funny. It wasn't a good enough argument to get her to have sex with me though. I'm gonna have to keep working on her. My goal is to get her into the sack before Christmas.

November 14th - The doctor was right, the therapy isn't making me as sick as it used to. I'll be a little nauseated for an hour or so after each of the treatments but it passes fast enough that I only miss a half day of school. Actually, I'd be willing not to miss any school if I could get these treatments over with. The doctor told me that the chemotherapy every two weeks will be over with by the end of this year. That gives me something to look forward to. He said that the hormone therapy will go on for about a year. I thought those pills I was taking every day were part of the chemotherapy, but he said no, that those were to adjust my body's hormone levels to make a recurrence of the cancer less likely. I guess taking a couple of pills a day is a small price to pay for being alive........................

December 3rd - I think I'm going to have to exercise more. Guess that being laid up for a couple of weeks after the operation took more out of me than I thought. And without being on the track team this year, my body is getting even less of a workout. I noticed in gym today that I don't seem to have as much upper body strength as I used to have. My high school is like 70 years old or so and the boy's and girl's gyms are down in the basement. The locker rooms are in the sub-basement, and the swimming pool is even lower, like the sub-sub-basement or something. Even though it's old, the gym really isn't too bad - like it's really over two stories tall and there's an indoor track running around the top. So during bad weather I could be using the track while there was a basketball game going on at the same time. There's also a bunch of rings and bars and stuff for gymnastics that can be lowered from the ceiling, and some climbing ropes - there are ten of them - they're pretty big like about two inches in diameter. The coach breaks our class into ten groups and we do like a relay where the first person from our group runs to the rope, climbs up it, slides back down, then the next person and so on. The first group to have everyone complete the climb gets to go to the showers first. I think the ropes must have been there since the school was build cause they have like years and years of sweat on them and are kinda slippery. So to climb them, you have to like, wrap your legs around them and clamp your feet together to lock yourself into place on the rope. Then you release your feet just a little, and use your arm and shoulder muscles to pull yourself up a couple of feet, lock yourself with your feet, use your shoulders and arms to pull yourself up another couple of feet, and keep doing this till you're at the top - about 50 feet in the air. When you slide down you gotta be kinda careful cause you want to get down fast, but you don't want a rope burn. I used to be able to do the climb really fast - with no problems at all but I found today that getting to the top was a real struggle for me. When we do the climb we just wear our gym shorts and go barefoot. I got about halfway up the rope without too much of a problem but then it got really tough. So I'm about twenty-five feet in the air, and I'm sweating like mad, and the rope is getting really slippery and I just didn't seem to have the strength in my arms or shoulders to make the climb. The guys on my team were cheering me on and I finally made it to the top but certainly not in my best time. When I got back down to the floor of the gym I was sopping wet from the exertion and felt really weak and tired. Our team came in last but the guys didn't kid me too much about it. On our way to the showers, Mark was really funny. He came running thru the gym, completely naked, and gave this big Tarzan yell, and swung from rope to rope across the gym. The coach suspended him for a day.

January 2nd - Well the chemotherapy treatments are over with and am I glad! The doctor said that I'm making excellent progress and that my blood enzyme levels don't show any recurrence of the cancer. I asked him if I couldn't quit taking the pills every day and he told me no, that I have to continue taking them for almost another year. That even though there's no evidence of cancer now, that there could be a few cells left in my body somewhere and we need to keep the hormone levels adjusted so that the cells won't grow any. If everything still looks good next year at this time, then I'm completely done with the therapy. My mom was kidding me that I took too much advantage of all the good food over the holidays. I guess I must have gained about ten pounds. I don't look any different when I look in the mirror, but my jeans are a little tight when I put them on now. Kirsten said she likes me just a little heavier - there's more of me to love.

January 8th - Yeah, that extra ten pounds is messing me up. When we were doing the rope climb in gym today, I couldn't even get halfway up the rope. I worked at it as hard as I could but I just couldn't do it anymore, so I'm hanging there about twenty feet in the air, sweating like mad with the effort, and with my hair hanging down into my eyes, and I couldn't climb any higher. I slid back down and went down to the lockers. Like the locker room has a low ceiling and isn't very well lighted. There are just row after row of lockers there, with wooden benches to sit on while you're changing. So I had stripped off my gym shorts and was just sitting on the bench naked when Johnny came in. He was on my team for the rope climb and was pissed that we came in last again cause now we'd be the last kids thru the showers and would have to haul ass to make it to the next class on time. He asked me ".....what the fuck's the matter Steve, you didn't use to have any problem with the fuckin ropes before you let them cut your nuts off?" I told him that I didn't know - probably just having a bad day.

That's the bad news. The good news is that Kirsten and I had sex for the first time last weekend. Her folks were away for the weekend and after we went to a movie, we went back to her house to watch TV. We were sitting on the couch eating snacks and we started making out a little. And then we just kinda went farther and farther and all of a sudden we had our clothes off and we were on the floor and my cock was inside her. Afterwards we just snuggled up under a blanket and held each other. It was really great. And when we went out on the date I wasn't like, even planning on it - it just happened. As we were lying there under the blanket Kirsten was running her hands over my body and exploring it and saying how great it felt just being there next to me. As I was putting my shorts on, I noticed that my scrotum seems a little smaller. Well, it has been empty ever since the operation, but now it looked a little smaller.

January 10th - The doctor said that's normal for my scrotum to shrink up. That without the testicles in there it may even shrink a little more. But not to worry, once they put in the "artificial testicles" that it will come back to it's original size. I hope so, it looks like it's only about half as big as it used to be. I reminded him that I wanted the "super stallion" size of testicles.

January 20th - Kirsten and I had sex again last night. It was just as good as before, maybe even better, cause now we know what to do to make each other feel good. As we were laying there afterwards, she was playing with my body again when she stopped and said ".....Steve, your bag is really small now....." I told her the doctor said that was normal. But when I was getting my clothes on I looked and it's hardly more than a little bulge now. I'm not sure how to explain it, but my body looks a little different now. Nothing that I can put my finger on, but just a little "softer." At least all the hair in my crotch has grown back so the guys won't kid me in the showers any more. I noticed that it's not as rough and wiry as it was before - it's a little lighter color and finer in texture now - almost silky.

February 4th - I had to get a couple of new pairs of pants yesterday. Even though I've been watching what I've been eating, my old pairs just got too tight to wear comfortably. Not tight in the crotch, but really tight in the waist and in the seat. The crotch is really pretty loose now. I was looking at myself the other day and you'd never know that I ever had any balls or a bag to hold them. Other than my dick, my crotch is completely smooth. And covered with the silky blond hair, of course. The rest of my body hair seems to be a little lighter too. Or maybe it's just my imagination. I was kinda embarrassed that my jeans don't show as much of a bulge in the crotch anymore like the other guy's do. So when I get dressed now I'll shove an extra pair of socks down into my Jockeys - makes everything look normal.

March 2nd - I'm gonna have to go in and talk to the doctor. I haven't seen him since last December and I've got some questions for him. My body has changed a little in a couple of areas. Nothing big, but I guess that it's noticeable. My bottom seems to be a little bigger now and softer and more rounded. And my nipples are more noticeable. They used to be really small, like about the size of a dime and a very light pink color - about the same color as my skin. Now they are a little bigger, like maybe a quarter, and are a darker color. In the showers after gym today I noticed that some of the guys were staring at me. Like to take showers, we go to the locker room and take off our clothes, and then walk down this long corridor to get to the showers one level below the gym. The showers are really just one big open room, with shower heads all around the walls. When you get fifty or sixty guys in there at one time it gets pretty crowded - and hot and steamy of course. And the guys get to messing around like squirting soap at each other, and goosing, and stuff. Nothing bad - just guy stuff. I was soaping up my hair when Johnny came up behind me and cupped my butt with his hands. He said something like ".....nice ass Steve. Wish my girlfriend had one like that. Wanta go to the movies with me tonight?" I just kinda laughed and told him that he wasn't my type. He left me alone after that. But I saw several of the guys staring at me and I think they noticed the changes in my body.

March 4th - The doctor said the changes I've seen are normal and are my body's normal reaction to the adjustment of my hormone levels. I didn't know it but I found out that the pills I have been taking every day are synthetic estrogen. He told me that the male hormones would stimulate the growth of any cancerous cells left over from my testicles, and that female hormones have the opposite effect. So that's why I've been taking female hormones for about six months now. That didn't sound too great to me, like why should I screw up my body that way. He told me not to worry, that later this year they would switch me back to a maintenance dose of testosterone and everything would change back to normal. I hope.

March 28th - My mom got the doctor to write a statement to the school that said that I should be excused from gym. It was getting too embarrassing for me to take classes with the other guys. Like I was having trouble keeping up with them in sports now, and the kidding about my body during the showers was getting worse. I didn't have any trouble in running, but basketball, climbing, and especially wrestling were washouts - I just couldn't compete at things I had been very good at last year. My bottom is a little bigger, and my nipples are a little darker now, and protrude just a little bit - maybe half an inch or so. They are really noticeable whenever they get cold cause then they get hard and stick out even more. I've found that if I wear loose shirts that nobody notices them. In general, my body seems to be a little more "rounded" and softer now than it was several months ago. The doctor said this was normal - that my body seemed just to be reacting a little more than usual to the hormone levels. In the showers yesterday, Johnny came up behind me and kinda snuggled his body up against my back. We were both all soaped up and it felt really weird to have his belly pressed against my back that way. I felt something funny between my legs and realized that he had this huge erection and was shoving it between my legs. Then he reached around and cupped his hands over my nipples and gently rubbed them. He said "Hi sweetie. You're looking pretty good these days. I bet you're looking for a hot guy like me to service you. Right?" I didn't know whether he was kidding or what so I broke away from him and ran out of the showers, up through the hallway and into the locker room. I plopped down on the wood bench and just sat there shaking. A minute later I felt somebody put a hand on my shoulder. I figured it was Johnny coming after me so I gave a little scream and turned around and backed up against the lockers, using my hands to cover my body as best I could. It wasn't Johnny though, it was Mark. He looked at me for a second and then said "Take it easy Steve, It's OK. I won't hurt you. I just wanted to let you know that I and the other guys won't let that dork Johnny bother you any more." I didn't know what to say so I just pulled my clothes on as fast as I could and ran to my next class. When I told mom that night about what happened at school that day, that's when she had the doctor write the note to the coach.

April 11th - Kirsten and I haven't had sex in the last month or so. I'm kind of ashamed to have her see the changes in my body. And there's one other thing that I'm worried about. I don't really know how to describe this but my dick seems to be just a little smaller than it used to be. Like it was never really huge, but it was about 6" or so long which is at least an average size for the other boys in my class. But now it seems to be a little smaller. It's not a lot different, but when I hold it to jerk off I can feel the change. It's also taking me longer to jerk off now. I have to work at it harder to get an erection. It still feels just as good when I come - just takes a little more work. I'd hate to try to have sex with Kirsten and then find out that I couldn't do anything. I haven't said much about any of this to my mother, but I know what she would say. Her attitude is that ".....don't worry, the doctor said all this is normal, everything will change back later this year....." I sure hope so.

April 15th - I just realized that I haven't had to shave for over a month now. Like, I never used to have to shave every day, but usually every other day. Now instead of whiskers I just have this very soft, fine blond hair on my face. You have to look really close to even be able to notice it.......................................

May 7th - I had to use some of my birthday money to buy new clothes. My mother was like ".....what's wrong with the clothes you have....." Yeah, sure mom. Have you seen how I fill them out now? My jeans were really snug around my butt. It was getting to be a problem zipping them up and buttoning them. My chest looks different too. My nipples are almost an inch across now and my pecs seem to be fuller and more rounded. They must stick out a couple of inches now. So I invested in some baggy pants and shirts. I'm certainly no fashion plate but at least I'm comfortable now. Before, after I struggled to finally get my jeans on they would be so tight I could hardly breathe. I could get comfortable by unbuttoning them and unzipping them a little, but then my tummy would bulge out in a soft rounded little white swell and I didn't want people to see that. Like, it was OK when I was at home just reading or watching TV. But certainly not while walking around the mall or at school. Actually, when I'm home by myself, I like to unzip my jeans and let my tummy swell outward. I take my fingertips and trace around my nipples, letting them become fully erect. Then on down to my navel, slowly and gently massaging the soft white swelling that is my lower belly now, and on down into my crotch where I play with my dick and rub the insides of my thighs. That feels so good in a way that I never noticed before.

May 15th - I was sitting in English class yesterday and it was getting kinda boring towards the end of the period and I was having trouble staying awake so I put my hands behind my head and leaned way back and stretched and yawned. All of a sudden I realized that when I got dressed this morning I hadn't put on one of my baggy shirts and when I leaned back this way you could really see the changes in my chest thru my shirt. There were these two big bulges showing thru. It didn't look like anybody had seen me but I leaned forward right away. After that, I kinda hunched forward the rest of the day so that nobody would notice my bulges. I was real careful to wear one of my new baggy shirts today. It hangs down to my knees and is so floppy that everything's pretty well covered up. There's a side benefit of wearing the baggy clothes. My body is so covered up that I can play with myself and nobody notices. Like, in Math class this morning, I had my left hand up inside my shirt and was stroking my nipples and tweaking them with my fingertips while the teacher was working problems on the board. Then after awhile, my hand drifted down to my crotch and I stroked my dick. After awhile I got this little hard on and nobody in the class knew what I was doing.

May 22nd - Kirsten and I are still going out. But we're not having sex any more. We go to movies and walk around the mall and look in stores a lot. I used to hate to go shopping - like I'd figure out what I needed before I left home, run into a store, get what I needed, and hurry on to the next store. Lately I've decided to relax and look around a little more. So Kirsten and I spend a lot of time checking out the clothing stores. She's telling me all about the fabrics and colors and styles and stuff that I never cared about before. Now it's kinda interesting. This afternoon we were walking thru a cosmetics department and she picked up a sample of perfume and squirted me with it. Wow, did I smell sweet. When I got home that evening mom took one whiff and said ".....Why Steve, I like that scent that you're wearing. It's very nice on you....." Funny mom. Kirsten told me today that my voice sounds different lately - a little softer and higher pitched. I hadn't noticed any change. I think she's wrong.

May 27th - After I took my shower this morning, I took a good look at myself in the mirror. My body has certainly changed. My bottom is much larger and more rounded now, and my buttocks seem to hang lower than they used to. My hips and thighs are heavier. In fact the upper parts of my thighs rub against each other when I walk now. I think I've gained about 20 pounds since before the operation. But all the changes aren't due to the weight gain, my body weight seems to be redistributing itself. I'm not even sure that I'd call my pecs "pecs" anymore. They have gotten so large and rounded and prominent that they look more like breasts. The most shocking change is that my dick is much smaller now - like only about 2 inches long. I tried to masturbate last night and couldn't get anything to happen. Like, it felt really good to rub my dick, but I couldn't get it big anymore. My jockey shorts really don't fit very well anymore. Like they are really baggy and hang down in the crotch, and are way too tight in the waist and buttocks. These changes are all really weird. If the doctor hadn't told me that my body might change a little but that everything would go back to normal, I'd be really freaked out about the way I look now.

May 30th - Mom said something to me about the fit of my Jockeys. I've torn several pairs trying to put them on over my larger and heavier waist and she asked me what the problem was. I told her how they were way too tight in some areas, and too loose in others. Later in the day she came back from the store and handed me a shopping bag. When I opened it, it had GIRL'S PANTIES in it! I asked her what they were for, and she said that ".....I just thought that you might find them more comfortable to wear....." Oh come on, give me a break mom. GIRL'S PANTIES? No fucking way!

May 31st - The funny thing was that I tried on a pair of the panties and they really were much more comfortable to wear than I had thought they would be. They fit so much better than the boy's Jockey shorts I had been wearing. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I like wearing girl's clothes or anything - but they are a lot more comfortable. And they aren't fancy or anything - just plain white with no lace or anything so I guess they're OK to wear.

June 1st - Guess I don't have much choice in wearing the panties. Mom threw out my last two pairs of Jockeys yesterday. She said they were all ragged and stretched out so she just heaved 'em. If I'm going to wear panties to school, I gotta be real careful. I can imagine what would happen in the locker room after showers if the other boys saw me pulling on a pair of tiny yellow bikini panties. I'd never make it out of there alive!

We were pushing and shoving in the lunch line as usual today. We only have a 30 minute lunch period, and by the time we drop our books in our lockers, and then pick them up afterwards, and then get to class, it only leave about 20 minutes to eat. And then everybody else is trying to eat at the same time so the lines are long and we're all pushing and shoving to get thru as fast as we can. So I'm getting squished between this guy in front of me and another guy in back of me and all of a sudden it started to feel really good. Like my breasts were pushing into the back of the guy ahead of me, and my belly was rubbing against his butt. And the guy behind me was grinding his crotch against my ass. Like they didn't do anything on purpose, but it felt so good to have those two boys rubbing up against me that way.

I've had a couple of "accidents" while I was taking a pee lately. My dick is less than an inch long now and I was having trouble holding it and getting the pee to go in the urinal where I wanted it to go. It's embarrassing in the boy's room. Like the other boys can just step up to a urinal and unzip their flys, and fish their dick out and just let loose. Like they can lean their arms on the wall, or talk to the other guys, or whatever, while nature does it's thing. But I gotta get real close to the urinal, like almost stick my belly in it. Then I carefully unzip my pants and push my panties down just a little while I put my hands in them and feel around to find my dick. Then I gotta kind of stretch it out a little so that it clears my panties. All of this takes awhile and them sometimes with all the stretching and everything I can't get the pee to flow after all. And of course I'm trying to pretend that everything's normal so that nobody looks at me too closely. A couple of times I peed on the floor. And once it slipped out of my hands and I peed in my pants. I've found that it's much easier and less messy to sit down all the time now when I have to go to the bathroom. It's kinda cool to get into a stall somewhere and shut the door and drop my pants and pull down my panties and sit down on the toilet. I can spread my legs, look past the two large white sacks that are my breasts now, down to the soft white mound of my tummy, and past it to see the pee squirting from my tiny little dick. Sometimes I rub the inside of my thighs as I pee cause they are so sensitive and it feels so good when I touch myself there. It's funny, I've noticed that my panties are beginning to fit a little tighter in my crotch. Even though my dick is hardly noticeable now, the skin around it has swollen up some. I'm beginning to get a soft white mound down there where my balls and dick used to be. I can see the swelling thru my panties now. I wonder what's happening?

Since I can't use a urinal any more, I have to use the stalls at school. The stalls in the boy's bathrooms at the high school are a problem. They don't have any doors on them. I guess the Board of Education figures that we'll do horrible things to each other if we can close the doors. So mostly I try not to have to pee while I'm at school, or if I do have to do it, to find a stall way in the back where nobody can see what I'm doing and then I do it really fast and get back to class. It would be so embarrassing if anyone saw me in my panties. I cut it too close the other day. I thought that I could wait till I got home to pee but about halfway home I knew I wasn't going to make it. So I'm walking along the sidewalk as fast as I can, and I'm pressing my thighs together and trying to think about anything except having to pee so bad. All of a sudden I couldn't hold it any longer and I felt my crotch get all warm and wet, and then there was this warm feeling running down the inside of my legs, and I knew that I'd peed my pants. I got home as fast as I could, and washed my clothes before mom came home. Luckily nobody saw me do it. Messy, Messy, Messy, Messy.

June 4th - I'll sure be glad when school is over with this year. I was having trouble in chorus the other day. I used to sing in the tenor section but lately I've been having trouble with my voice - I can't reach the lower notes any more. So the teacher moved me over into the soprano section with the girls. I don't have any trouble at all singing soprano now - but it's embarrassing having to sing with the girls. Kirsten doesn't seem to want to have much to do with me now. The last couple of times I've called her she have said that she's busy. At school she always finds a way to never get close to me. A couple of times I've seen her talking with her girl friends and giggling and pointing at me. Johnny's been really mean to me at school. Whenever he can he comes over to me and tries to rub up against me accidentally like. The other day he actually told me that he heard that I don't have a dick any more and that I'm wearing panties now and could I show him what I look like now. While he was saying this to me real loud we were standing in the hallway and lots of other kids heard him. All the while he was saying this he was staring at my chest. Even with the baggy shirts, and me leaning forward a little, the swelling of my breasts is now visible thru my shirt. I try to hold my books and notebooks up in my arms to cover up my chest now but it doesn't always work. I blushed and ran into the nearest classroom to get away from him. Usually the other boys make him leave me alone though.

June 6th - It's kinda funny, but if I had a chance to go back to wearing boy's shorts now, I'd stick with the girl's panties. They fit me so well and I really like the feel of their smooth silk against my soft white skin. I looked in the mirror the other day and I noticed that my tummy is getting a little bigger. Not like a beer belly or anything, but it is soft and white and bulges out a little between my navel and my crotch. My panties accommodate it without any problem, but I think that I better watch my diet a little. Mom bought me some new pairs of jeans today. The only way she could get some that fit well was to go to the girl's section of the store. Even then she had to get the ones for girls with a "full figure." I think "full figure" is a polite way of saying "fat ass." When I was trying on my clothes this afternoon, I was looking at myself in the mirror and really like the way I fill out my jeans now. All of a sudden I felt a warm wetness in my crotch and found that I had gotten my panties all wet from the excitement. I didn't pee on myself or anything, but some of that watery white liquid had come out and gotten my panties damp. Even though I haven't been able to masturbate lately, I've found that I can make myself "come" by looking at my body, and running my hands over it, and playing with my breasts. After Kirsten and I would have sex and we would lie there checking out each other's bodies, she used to like to have me slowly rub her crotch and slip my fingers up between her lips down there and very gently touch her clitoris. I remember thinking how neat that felt to be able to put my hand between her legs like that and cup her warm, soft, wet mound of flesh. I notice that I've developed the same way now. Like I don't have any female openings or anything, but I have this large soft mound of flesh between my legs now also. Mine might even be a little bigger than Kirsten's was.

June 12th - The doctor told me today that my body has had one of the strongest reactions to the hormone therapy that he has ever seen. He said that if he continues to see changes that he'll have to consider switching me over to testosterone therapy earlier. I think he's worried that it may become difficult to reverse some of the changes. I don't care anymore. I just want to get the whole thing over with.

June 15th - Mom was going out to get some groceries tonight and I was getting a little tired of listening to my CDs so I decided to go along with her. I was following her around thru the store while she did her shopping when all of a sudden she stopped and looked at me. I said "....what? What’s going on?" She responded ".....don't you see what you're doing?" I looked down and realized that as I had been walking thru the aisles, my right hand had strayed down to my crotch and had started to massage the mound of flesh between my legs where my dick used to be. I wasn't even aware of what I was doing but I guess I was getting some stares from the other shoppers. Of course I stopped. It's funny, the head of my penis used to be really sensitive, but that mound that has developed there is even more so. I was out in our backyard a coupla days ago and there's this tree that has this big horizontal limb way down near the ground. We kind of use it like a seat sometimes. Anyway I was straddling it with my legs when I started to notice this feeling begin to develop. Soon I started moving around on the limb a little, forcing my thighs tightly against it. Pretty soon I was rubbing my body back and forth on it as hard as I could - the feeling of it thrusting between my thighs, and my mound rubbing back and forth on it was unbelievable. I think that limb just made a friend for life!

June 18th - While I was brushing my teeth this morning, I noticed several changes in my face. My cheeks seem to be fuller and more rounded, and there's a pink "blush spot" on each cheek. My dimples seem to be more pronounced. The biggest difference is my lips though. They are a lot fuller and more pronounced and stand out more because they are a darker red color then they used to be. There was something else about my mouth that I couldn't figure out at first, and then I realized that with my bigger lips, it looks as though I'm pouting all the time now.

June 20th - Last day of school - thank God. These last weeks have been very unpleasant for me at school. Even though I try to wear clothes that hide my body, and hold myself and walk so as to hide the changes, it's not really working anymore. My bottom is very pronounced now, and my breasts swell out thru my shirt in front. And when I walk my hips kinda sway back and forth like a girl's do. Most of the other kids either ignore me or stare at me. The guys that I was on the track team with last year had been kinda watching out for me and protecting me from Johnny but now even they are keeping their distance. Like guys, it's not like I'm going to give you some horrible disease or something - my body has just changed a little. Johnny's been following me around a lot lately. This morning while I was walking down the hallway to homeroom, he came up and stuck his hand into my back pocket and walked along with me, rubbing my butt. He said something like ".....that's how I like 'em - round firm and fully packed....." Well hell, if they're going to stare at me, then I'll stare back at them. I've noticed that I find myself unconsciously checking out all the boys now, looking at their build, and wondering what they'd look like without their clothes on. And when I look at the girls, I compare my equipment to them and keep thinking that they're just jealous cause they're a lot smaller in the important areas than I am.

June 24th - My nipples have been really sore the last couple of weeks. My breasts are now larger than Kirsten's were. Hers used to stick out without much of a sag at all. Mine now hang down several inches. I think that Kirsten told me that she was a 36C and I'd guess that I'm at least a size or two larger. The problem is that when I walk around my breasts sway back and forth and the nipples rub on the inside of my shirt. My nipples are very big and sensitive now and the rubbing can be very painful. First I tried rubbing Vaseline on them to lubricate them but all that did was get it all over my shirt and call attention to my nipples by making them look as though they were leaking or something. My conclusion was that rubbing the Vaseline on my tits felt really good, but after that it just got messy. So then I tried putting Band-Aids over them to protect them, but the adhesive on the Band-Aids really irritated the soft while skin of my breasts. I asked mom what she thought, and she said that maybe I should consider wearing a bra. I got upset and told her that the panties were just fine thank you, but that no fucking way was I going to wear a bra. She said that there's something that works like a bra but really isn't. It's called a sports bra or something and she wears it when she goes jogging. Like it's not designed to show off your tits or anything, it actually squishes them down and makes them look smaller. And it holds them tight so that they don't bounce around when you exercise. That sounded like what I was looking for. So she gave me one of her's to try on and I had to admit that it wasn't really fancy or anything - just plain gray cotton. So I tried it on and it did seem to support everything and keep my nipples from getting irritated. Hers was too small for me though so she had to go to the store and get one two sizes larger for me.

July 6th - I was so embarrassed today. Mom and I had gone shopping in the mall. We stopped at the food court to eat lunch and I had some tacos and a large Coke. About an hour later I really had to pee so I headed off to the restrooms. I had just gone into the boy's room and was looking for a stall to sit down in when a guy at one of the urinals looked at me with a look of surprise and said ".....excuse me miss, aren't you in the wrong room?" I couldn't believe it. He thought I was a girl. I felt like I was blushing like mad and I didn't want to argue with him so I ran out of the boy's room. I really had to go pee by this time, so I went into the girl's room, and found an empty stall, and sat down and relieved myself. As I was leaving the girl's room, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw how the guy could have mistaken me for a girl. With my waist and hips, I do kinda have a girlish figure. And I was wearing a shirt that was kinda tight, and with the top four buttons undone, my breasts swelled out thru the v-shaped opening and were very obvious. In fact, the more I looked, the more I thought that I looked pretty cute. I guess that should have bothered me but it didn't. When I told my mom what had happened, she just laughed and said that she wondered when I would realize that I look more like a girl now than a boy. I asked her if that didn't bother her and she said not especially, that she had always wanted a daughter instead of a son. Not that she is trying to change me into a girl or anything, but she's comfortable with the way I look now. She said that if I didn't mind, that she'd like to take a couple of hours and buy me some nicer clothes to wear. Hey, I'm for anything that's free, so we spent another three hours shopping. She bought me some slacks and a couple of tops, and some panties and bras - but fancy ones this time, and some things for my hair, and some makeup. I also got my ears pierced and she bought me a small pair of diamond earrings to wear. Just before we left I had to pee again. This time I just went into the girl's room without even thinking about it......................

July 8th - After we got back from the mall, mom spent most of the next day helping me try on my new clothes and seeing which outfits coordinated best. And she showed me how to put on makeup and lipstick and how to fix my hair. I haven't had a haircut in about a year now and my hair is a light blond that falls in thick waves to just below my shoulders. She had gotten some shampoo and conditioner for my hair and when I tried them that night they made it look a lot fuller and really glossy. With my deep blue eyes, she said that I'm a real "knockout." Course all this is just temporary. In a couple of months the doctor will switch the hormone therapy and everything will go back to normal. Hope he does it so I'm back to normal when school starts in September. There's no way I could go back to school and explain to the other boys why I look, and dress, and act the way I do now. I tried on one of the pairs of white slacks that mom got me. They were kinda tight around my waist and over my bottom. When I looked in the mirror I could really see the outline of my bikini panties under the tight white fabric. Neat!

July 18th - I really enjoy dressing up in the new clothes that mom bought me. It's a real turn-on to see how I look in the frilly panties and bras. I've got one pair of pink bikini panties that I like really well because they are really tiny and emphasize the soft rounded swelling of my lower belly when I wear them. When I'm just going to be at home with mom, I don't wear any clothes now except for a bra and panties. Mom got me one of these kinds of bras that emphasize the size of your breasts. Like it has some padding in it and it kind of pushes them together. It's called a "superbra" or something like that. I hardly need to emphasize the size of my breasts these days, but with the superbra they look really spectacular with just the tops of my nipples showing above the fabric. With the superbra, I have this tremendous cleavage. Mom got me a necklace to wear the other day that's really just a gold chain with a cross on it. It looks really neat hanging down between my breasts against my soft white skin. I gotta be careful though, I didn't hear the doorbell the other day and all of a sudden there's this guy coming in the front door to go down into the basement to read the water meter. All of a sudden I saw him and he saw me. His eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. I screamed and put my left arm over my breasts, and my right hand over my crotch, and ran off to my room to hide till he had left.

I don't know whether I had them and never noticed them, or whether I've recently developed them, but I found out that I have two dimples on my lower back, just above where the soft white skin of my buttocks begins to swell out. When I wear the pink panties, my dimples are just an inch or so above the top of the panties. Just for the heck of it, I had mom get me a pair of bikini panties that were several sizes too small. I wanted to see what they would look like on me. It was a real struggle to get them on. They made me look kinda funny from the back. They were small and pressed into the flesh of my buttocks with big rolls of soft white skin protruding both above and below the panties. A couple of inches of the crack of my ass was exposed. In the front they were way too tight in my crotch and bound very uncomfortably on my tummy. So much for that experiment.

There's nothing in my crotch now to indicate that I ever was a boy. My dick has totally shrunk away, leaving only a tiny hole that I pee from. I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day when I just had the panties on and I noticed how beautiful my body has become. My breasts especially have become very large and prominent. I like to see how they swing back and forth as I walk. My nipples are very dark now and are really big - like about three inches across, and they stick out a good inch or so. I realized that I now look a lot like some of the girls in Playboy that I used to jerk off over. That made me feel so good that I realized that I had wet my panties again. I've found that it doesn't take much to get me to wet my panties these days. Usually the sight of another teenage boy with a good build and tight jeans is enough. Almost every time I go to the mall now I come home with my panties sopping wet.

July 27th - I saw this funny looking pillow advertised in the Sunday newspaper and asked mom to get it for me so she did. It's about 18" in diameter and about five feet long. When I go to bed I take it with me and go to sleep with my arms and legs wrapped around it. Usually when I go to bed, I don't wear anything so I'm, like, naked and snuggling up against this big pillow. It feels really nice to be able to wrap my legs tightly around it, and to put my arms around it so that it crushes my breasts. I can dream that there's another person sleeping with me and we're all snuggled up to each other.

August 4th - While I was shopping the other day I bought a tank top. I always thought that the girls looked neat when they wore them and I wondered what I'd look like with one on. It's a pale yellow which goes pretty nice with the tan I've been working on. I have a pair of ragged old beat-up cutoffs that I put on with it. I got the tank top just a little on the large side so that it wouldn't squish my breasts, I took the top and pulled it way down below the top of my breasts, so that several inches show. Then I took the bottom and pulled it up to make a kind of pouch that the bottom of my breasts fit into and roll over onto my tummy. It really emphasized the size of my breasts that way. The cutoffs were really tight to begin with so I left them unbuttoned at the top and unzipped them an inch or so. This let my lower belly bulge out a little, and I kept them pulled way down on my hips so that helped. You could just see a little of the hair in my crotch showing over the cutoffs they were down so low. I liked the way I looked so much that I walked around the house that way all day - admiring myself. Mom took a picture of me and said that I looked ".....good enough to eat' Funny mom.

August 6th - I don't have much to do this summer so I've been concentrating on getting a good tan. Our backyard is pretty secluded so I can lie out there without anybody being able to see me. When I first started sunbathing, I wore just a bra and panties. But I noticed that I was getting white stripes where they covered me up, so I just switched over to wearing nothing. It's so relaxing to just slather lotion all over my body and then just lie there and bake. Even though I have a pretty light complexion, I'm getting a really good tan. My body hair has gotten bleached almost white by the sun. I look kinda nice with the dark tan, and the fine white silky body hair just visible against the tanned skin.

August 10th - Mom dropped me off at the mall so I could have a snack, do some shopping and then watch a movie. I was eating a taco in the food court when I heard someone come up behind me and say "hi". I turned around and it was Mark. I was going to say something to him when I realized that he didn't recognize me. He said "Hi there. I don't remember seeing you around before. What school do you go to?" I told him that my name was Stephanie and that I had just moved into the area from downstate. He asked me if he could sit down and I said yes, so we talked for awhile and he hadn't seen the movie before so we saw it together. Afterwards he asked me if he could call me sometime, I said that we didn't have a phone yet but that I'd call him sometime.

August 18th - I called Mark today and we decided to meet at the mall and go to a movie again. While we were watching the movie he put his right arm around my shoulders and his left hand on my left thigh, and gently pulled my head down to lean against his right shoulder. It felt really nice just being close to him - I liked the smell of his aftershave - kind of a musk scent. He told me that he really liked the smell of my hair - I had used a conditioner that leaves just a little bit of a strawberry fragrance. After awhile the arm around my shoulders strayed down till his fingers were brushing the tops of my breasts. I hadn't worn a bra and my blouse had the top four buttons undone. His hand slipped under the top of my blouse and gently rested against the top of my breasts. It was kind of like he didn't realize what he was doing. Yeah, I'll bet he practices this on all the girls. I didn't stop him, I was beginning to feel emotions I had never felt before. Just before the movie ended his hand on my left thigh gently pushed down between my thighs and very slowly and gently massaged them thru the tight fabric of my slacks. My panties were now sopping wet. After the movie was over, we decided to go for a walk in the parking lot. It was a beautiful summer evening, dark and you could see the stars. As we walked I slipped one of my hands into the back pocket of his jeans and rubber his firm little butt. In a little while, we stopped in a dark corner of the parking lot, turned to each other, put our arms around each other, and kissed. My God, I have never felt anything that good before. Mark slowly unbuttoned the remaining buttons on my blouse and opened it to fully reveal my large breasts. After what he had done to me in the theatre, my nipples were very swollen and stuck out into the cool night air. Mark just brushed my nipples with his finger tips, then put his hands on my breasts and slowly massaged them as I groaned in pleasure. He removed his hands and I leaned forward a little to allow my huge milky white breasts to hang free and sway gently back and forth. He bent and gently licked each nipple in turn, kissed them and then gently sucked each. My legs were so wobbly now I was afraid I was going to collapse I was so aroused I could feel something warm and wet all over the inside of my thighs. I slowly sank to my knees in front of him, reaching out and gently rubbing the increasingly large swelling in his crotch. Then, unzipping his jeans, I pulled them down to expose his huge cock. He wasn't wearing any underwear! I was getting so hot. I slowly drew my fingers along the length of his cock, feeling it's warmth as it swelled even more. I kissed it's bulging tip, smiled up at him and then took it in my mouth, running my tongue around it and nibbling gently on it's head. Mark put his hands in my hair, gently forcing my mouth deeper and deeper into his crotch. Suddenly he came, filling my mouth with a huge jets of hot cum. God this was great. And I thought that fucking Kirsten was the best thing in the world - how wrong I had been.

Afterwards we helped each other to get dressed and went and sat in his car. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be with Mark all the time but pertty soon he was going to find out my secret. Finally I figured that I might as well try the truth and told him my whole story. Was I shocked when he told me that he had suspected as much. After the first time we met he had tried to check on me and found out that I hadn't told the truth about the school I used to go to. Then he had seen me returning home from the store several days later, had followed me to the home that he knew Steve lived in, and pretty much figured out for himself what had happened. I asked him if it didn't bother him that I was a boy. He told me that the next time I was in front of a mirror that I had better take a good look at myself because I looked, acted and had the desires of a girl. He also told me that it didn't bother him if I wasn't ".....100% female....." cause even when I was a boy he had been attracted to me. He had never found a way to tell me about it. So he wants to see me again. It felt so great sitting there in his truck and talking to him. I kept looking at him in the dim light coming in from the lights in the parking lot and he looked so cool. I reached over with my left hand and stuck it down an inch or so into his jeans, running my fingertips thru the curly hair on his lower tummy. He smiled and pulled me over to him and gently kissed me. I have my first boyfriend!......................

August 19th - It was after midnight when I got home and mom had gone to bed. I didn't realize how long Mark and I had talked last night. But as he was finally driving me home, I could see that all the stores and clubs and theatres were closed up and dark. And there were almost no cars on the road. When I crawled into bed and turned off the light my clock radio told me that it was almost 3:30 in the morning. I had never been out that late on a date before. I couldn't get to sleep though. So much had happened and I was still excited about Mark and everything kept running thru my mind so I just lay there in bed and tossed and turned. I tried laying on my back and stroking my belly and rubbing my breasts - that usually gets my mind off my problems but even that didn't work. I've let my fingernails grow - they are almost a half-inch long now. Whenever I draw them over my thighs and the mound in my crotch that usually gets me going, but that didn't work either. Finally about 8 am I got out of bed and went into the kitchen to get something to eat. Mom was there drinking coffee and she told me that I looked like hell. I checked the mirror and she was right. My hair was all messed up, and my lipstick was smeared, and I had big dark bags under my eyes from not getting any sleep. Mom asked me if something had gone wrong at the movie. I wasn't really sure that I wanted to talk about things so I just mumbled something and took a glass of orange juice back to my bedroom and got in bed and slowly started to drink the juice. Mom wasn't going to give up though - mothers NEVER give up. She came into my room and sat down on my bed and kept after me till I told her what happened last night. Well, I mean that I told her some things. Like no way was I going to tell her all about the sex. I kinda just told her that I had told Mark what had happened to me during the past few months. And I told her that Mark and I both had these really strong feelings for each other. She asked me how I really felt about everything and I had to tell her that I wasn't sure. I don't know anymore how I feel.

August 23rd - Mark has been calling me a couple of times a day but I haven't talked to him. I've been trying to work thru some things in my mind and I haven't gotten everything squared away. Heck, I'm not sure that I've even gotten ANYTHING squared away. Like up until several weeks ago I was kinda thinking that the changes to my body were a temporary side effect of the hormone therapy and that pretty soon everything would be getting back to normal and my life would go on as it had before - less my nuts, of course. In the meantime I was having a ball seeing what it was like dressing like a girl and all that stuff but that was temporary. Now I kinda wonder if I will ever be able to go back to the way I was. Or, if I could, would I want to? Like when Kirsten and I were having sex it felt pretty great. But my feelings for Mark and a lot stronger than anything that I ever felt for Kirsten. I just don't know anymore.

August 27th - I went in for my regular checkup with the doctor today. He had been on vacation for the summer and hadn't seen me since sometime early in June. I was sitting in the examining room with mom. I wanted her along for some moral support, and the doctor came in. He said ".....oops, sorry miss, I guess the nurse sent me into the wrong room....." As he was turning to go out the door I said "Doctor, it's me. It's Steve." He turned and looked at me again and his jaw dropped. I've heard people say that someone's jaw dropped to the floor but I always figured that was just a figure of speech. I swear, his mouth just kept getting more and more open, and his eyes were staring wider and wider. Finally he got control of himself and said something like ".....oh, I didn't recognize you for a minute Steve, lets get on with the exam, shall we?" So I stood up and let the robe I had been wearing drop to the floor. All I was wearing was a pair of tiny pink bikini panties and a very sheer bra with tiny little cups that covered up most of my nipples but that was about all. I swear, if his jaw didn't hit the floor the first time, it sure did this time. I ran my fingers thru my shoulder length blond hair, turned around slowly for him, and said ".....well, what do you think doc?"

Most of my other checkups had been like 10 minutes or so. Just a quick check of blood pressure and heart rate, and taking a couple of blood samples for the lab to analyze - that kind of thing. This time though he took an hour to fully examine me. I don't think there was a square inch of my body that he didn't measure, or poke, or palpitate, or check out. Actually, at one point I think he was getting just a little too interested in palpating my breasts so I put my finger tips on his hands and gently moved them away from my nipples. At the end he just said something like "...My God, I've never seen such a reaction to the hormone therapy. I didn't think a body could respond this way....." Then he saw my mother staring at him and shut up real quick - probably thinking about malpractice suits and things like that. So he said that he wanted to see the lab results from the samples that he had taken and that his nurse would call us in a day or so to schedule a follow-up visit.

September 1st - Mom and I went in for a follow-up visit with the doctor this afternoon. He said that the test results were in and that after we went over the results of the examination, that we would have to make some decisions. First the good news; there was no evidence of my cancer remaining and that I am now officially "cured." Then he got into the tough stuff. He explained how female hormones are used to suppress any of the remaining cancer cells from my testicles - like I'd already heard this several times. He also said that it's common for a boy's body to have a slight reaction to the female hormones but that the reactions are slight, and reverse themselves when the therapy is over with. But in my case, he'd never seen such a severe reaction. He pointed out that with a few differences (like the internal plumbing is different!) I have become a seventeen year old girl. So he is stopping the hormone therapy immediately, but he's concerned about whether my body will ever revert to being that of a boy. In fact, if nothing is done, I will probably end up somewhere in between, neither fully a boy, nor a full girl. He explained that male hormone therapy, probably coupled with breast reduction surgery, might make me appear more like a boy. Or, I could continue to take the estrogen and possibly have surgery that would make me more like a girl. And there were clinics that specialized in this sort of thing.

Mom and I had spent a lot of time talking over what to do before this meeting with the doctor. We had decided that we weren't ready to make a final decision yet. So we asked the doctor to put me on a low "maintenance" dose of estrogen and that I would live with my body the way it was for awhile and then decide what I wanted to do and whether I wanted to have surgery. He said that that seemed like a wise choice - not to rush into anything.

September 3rd - So mom and I are just going to see what happens and take life on a day-by-day basis. I called Mark this morning and he sounded really glad to talk to me. It almost sounded like he was getting ready to cry on the phone he was so happy. We decided to go out to a movie tonight. I've got this very sheer silk blouse that I'm going to wear. And this bra that pushes my breasts up and out to make them really stand out. And the cups have holes in them so that my nipples stick thru and really poke out thru my blouse. I'm gonna drive Mark wild.