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I was considering my Dads question when I slipped back into the bed, but there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to go first. Honestly, I didnt know if I could wait the few short days until I could finally realize my desire. Stephen was still sleeping, his body curved into the same casual position it had taken an hour earlier. I couldnt resist the temptation to slide back between his tanned arms. It was going to be a warm day, but the gentle heat of his skin was so comforting. The touch of his body and the peaceful rise and fall of his chest calmed my nerves which were still jumping from the decision I had just made. Glad you came back to bed, Rob. I was getting lonely. I hadnt noticed Stephen stir, but now he was snuggling closer. The smell of his hair intoxicated me as he nuzzled into my neck. Everything alright? I could hear your Dad talking. Um yeah, everything is alright. But we need to talk about something. Even Stephens touch couldnt calm my nerves about what I was about to say. I didnt want to hurt him, but I knew he needed to know with enough time to adjust to the idea before I visited the clinic. Stephen pulled himself up slowly into a sitting position, leaning back on our pillows. Whats up? I have something to tell you, and I dont think youre going to like it. Youre worrying me, babe. Please tell me. He was staring at me intently. Alright. Here goes. I took a deep breath and let it out. Brendan and I are both going to have penectomies performed next week. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wished I had put it more gently. Stephens whole body seemed wracked with despair as he began to shake his head. Stephen, please dont react this way. Its what we both want. Like I wanted it? He grunted. Oh Rob, please dont ruin yourself like I have. I took him in my arms, holding him close. He was crying hard. Shh. Its going to be alright. Its going to be different for us. We dont have to face this alone like you did. I stroked his hair as I tried to kiss away the tears on his cheeks. Stephen, look at me. He looked into my eyes, his lips quivering. I love the way your body is now. I love you, and I want to share this with you. Im a freak, Rob. You dont want to be like me. I pulled the sheet down away from his lap and let my fingers slowly caress the stubble around his scar. You arent a freak. You are beautiful. Youve made your body the way youve always wanted it, and I respect you so much for that. And you know what? What? He was looking down at himself with a mixture of fascination and revulsion. I cant wait to know what it will feel like to rub my scar against yours, to feel your arms around me and mine around you without the urgency of our cocks crying out for attention. I cant wait to enjoy being with you, enjoying your whole body without this distraction. I grabbed my hard cock and squeezed it to emphasize the point. Stephen looked down at himself, and then he gently took my penis in his hand and began to stroke it. You wont ever feel this again, and you WILL miss it. You just dont understand. You cant understand until its gone. I know I will miss it sometimes, but I will have something more important afterward. My body will be the way I want it to be, and I will have you. You already have me, Rob. Whether you have a cock or not, you will still have me. I know, Stephen, but after we will be together like we are meant to be. I straddled his legs as I began to kiss him deep, wrapping my arms around him. For an instant, Stephen resisted, like he wanted to say something more, but as my tongue began to stroke his, all resistance faded, and he pulled me close. The morning sun and sea breeze were streaming in the open window, setting off the golden tan and musky scent of Stephens body. I couldnt resist the urge to revel in the touch and taste of his skin, kissing my way from the stubble of his chin, down his neck. Peppering his shoulders and arms with my lips, I pushed his arms over his head and licked down his taut triceps. I worked my mouth over his chest and the hollow of his throat, and then settled in to lick and gnaw his nipples. When I looked up, Stephens eyes were closed and his breath was coming faster, his excitement obvious. I slid off his body and spread his legs open, pulling them onto my shoulders. Mesmerized by the beauty of his Y shaped scar, I blew gently on it making him moan. The new skin that had been red and angry the day before was now pink, and the neat rows of stitches were dissolving. Stroking his legs with my hands, I began to work my mouth on his ankles, calves, knees, and thighs, getting closer to his warm balls with every lick and kiss. Wait, Rob. He stopped me as I was about to turn my attention to what remained of his package. I want you inside me. I looked out the window. I cant, Stephen, not yet. I want my last time to be special, like that night we spent under the lifeguard tower. I have to save it up until then. He sighed heavily, half-hearted acceptance starting to set in. I understand. Its okay. I felt the same way. I will remember that night I was inside you for the rest of my life. He reached up and stroked my hair as he pushed my head back between his legs. Instead of continuing what I was doing, I pulled his legs farther onto my shoulders and nestled my mouth in close to his hole. While I traced my tongue in little circles, Stephen began to moan again. As his breath began to come in quick pants and grunts, I slipped a finger inside him. Massaging his prostate slowly, I worked another finger in, and then another. My mouth was now free to return to his balls, which it did hungrily, sucking them in one at the time, then both together. As I tongued his orbs, Stephen began to push against my hand in time with his quickening breath. He shouted out my name as cum jetted out of the new slit behind his balls and coated my chin and neck. His hole clinched down hard on my fingers as he came, but he also lost control of his bladder again. Oh, Rob, Im so sorry. I can hold it back most of the time, but while Im cumming everything relaxes. With difficulty, he pulled his legs off of me and turned away, disgusted with himself. No, its okay, Stephen. I reached up to touch his face, but he pulled farther away. Tears were again leaking from his eyes as he curled into a fetal position. Im not sure I can take all of this, Rob. In a way, I love my new body, but in another I hate myself for what I have done. I hate myself for giving in to my urges, and I hate myself for what Ive done to you and your brother. I hate that I will never cum inside you. I wadded up the loose sheet and wiped myself off, tossing the soiled cloth to the floor as I tried to scoot closer to Stephen. My closeness didnt seem to be offering him much comfort, though. The hardness of my cock was betraying us both I couldnt spoon against him without pressing my cock against him, a reminder he didnt need right now. Grasping for the right words, the right action, I didnt know what to do. It terrified me that Stephen might be slipping into a suicidal depression, but selfishly it scared me even more that he was pulling away from me. I could take almost anything, but not losing him. In desperation I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him around toward me. He tried to resist, but in his weakened condition, I was stronger. He turned his face to the window, trying not to look at me I couldnt tell if he was starting to hate me or if he just despised himself so much that he didnt want me to see his tears. I wasnt going to let that slide. Taking his face in my hands, I made him look at me. Kissing his leaden lips gently, my eyes searched his. Look at me! Rob Enough, Stephen. I love you. I love all of you. I love your body the way it is now. He tried to pull away again, but I held him firm. I wont lie and say that I understand everything youre feeling. Im sure that I dont, but I do know that you feel like somehow youve betrayed yourself and betrayed me. Well, you havent. You reached out and took hold of something youve always wanted for yourself, and youve given me the strength to do the same. Are there going to be hard problems to work through? You bet. Is life going to be perfect? No way. I dont know whats going to happen. Im scared shitless, to be honest, but I also know that this is something you wanted, and its something that I want for both of us. And I know that whatever comes we can face it together. Stephen stopped trying to look away, but as his resistance faded, so did his composure. He dissolved into sobs as his arms wrapped around me like he was clinging to a rock in the open sea. I am so scared, too, Rob. Im scared Ill never be happy again. Im scared that if you go through with your penectomy you will hate me, and that I will end up losing you. Im scared for Brendan hes so young. Im scared Im never going to cum again without pissing all over myself. Im scared of what people will think when they find out. Im so scared of everything. Please hold me. I pulled him close, so close. I would do anything to stop his suffering. Our bodies intertwined, I kissed him again, and this time he kissed back. Baby, if you really want me not to do it, I wont. My cock didnt matter to me anymore, what I wanted didnt matter anymore. Only making Stephen better mattered. He stopped crying. You would do that for me, Rob? I cant stand to see you hurting, and I would do anything to make it stop. He looked deep into my eyes, searching. Do you really want it, Rob? Do you really think it will make you happy? I took a deep breath and let it out. I want it more than anything except making you happy, Stephen. I want to share it with you, and I also want it for myself. None of that matters, though, if its going to make you this upset. Still searching for something deep inside me, his eyes were more intense than I had ever seen them before. When is your appointment with the clinic? It doesnt matter. I will tell dad to cancel it. I cant see you like this. When is the appointment? His voice was demanding, but not hard. The pre-op visit is Monday morning, and the procedure is scheduled for Wednesday morning. His body relaxed against me, and his tears had stopped. Can I come with you on Monday? What? I was shocked. Of course you can, but I didnt think you Rob, I can see it in your eyes. You want this as much as I wanted it. I cant let you give up on something you want so much just because you dont want to hurt me. I understand now this isnt just some passing thing. Just like you want to make me happy, I want more than anything to make you happy. If this is what it takes, then this is what it takes. Are you sure? Im sure. Just promise me one thing. Anything, Stephen. Promise me youll let me be there for you, that you wont try to shield me. If were going to share our lives, if were going to share this His hand slid between us and trailed over my now flaccid penis and his scar. You have to let me share it all with you. I promise. We were both silent for a long time. My heart was racing, and the only thing that was keeping me from losing control was that Stephens arms were around me. We held each other in the morning light, both of us thinking but not speaking. It was finally becoming a reality we were going to share this, we were going to share everything. There was a knock at the door, and we heard my Dads voice. You boys alright in there? Everythings just fine, Dad. Glad to hear it. I just wanted to let you know your Mother called. She and Brendan will be driving home as soon as they check out of the hotel. They should be home sometime this afternoon. In the meantime, Im going to take a walk and then make a grocery run. Ill be back before they arrive, but I wanted to let you know. Ok, Dad. Have a good walk. I snuggled back into Stephen. He was actually smiling. What are you thinking about? Im thinking about how lucky I am. Even with all thats happened and all thats going to happen, Ive never felt more at home than I do here with you and your family. Im so glad you feel at home, and remember, my family is your family now. You know, your Dad and I had a long talk on the way here. Hes an amazing guy. If my parents had supported me the way yours have, I might not be as messed up as I am. You arent messed up. You just need to heal, inside and out. He hugged me tight and was quiet for a moment. You know, there are some things youre going to have to think about before Wednesday. Im sure youve thought about some of them, but I guess nows as good a time as any to talk about it. What do you mean, Stephen? Well, when I visited the clinic they gave me a lot of different options about what I wanted done and how I wanted things to happen. You have thought about it, havent you? Sure, I have, but I was really hoping to talk to you about it before I made any decisions. I was thinking we could make them together. Do you know whos going to do the procedure? Dr. Gonzalez. I was starting to get the old butterflies back as we talked about the procedure it was really going to happen. Hes very kind and gentle. Im sure you will like him. He gave me three options for how far I wanted to go. They could remove my entire penis, including the internal part, and relocate my urethra. Of course, thats what I chose, but the other two options both involved leaving the internal part of the penis, with or without relocating the urethra. If you decide not to relocate, they have to leave a small part of the external penis so you can still pee normally. As far as that goes, I already know I want mine just like yours. Okay, then the next thing you have to decide is how aware you want to be of the process. I wanted to be under general anesthetic for the whole procedure, but that was mostly because I was scared of how it would feel to watch. I was all by myself, and I really thought seeing it would make me freak out. They offer a wide range of options, though, from a spinal block, to a local, to twilight, to general. The only thing I asked for was that I wanted to see my penis one last time after it was done. I think I want to watch, but Im a little scared of how that would make me feel. How would you do things if you had it to do over again? To be honest, I dont know. I was so scared being there alone, going to sleep knowing when I woke up it would be gone. When I did wake up in recovery, I freaked out. I think if I had it to do over, I would either be aware of everything or of nothing: Id let watching be part of the closure process or just make a clean break. Its so hard to decide. Youve got time, so dont feel pressure to decide right now. Stephen, if I am awake for it, will you hold my hand? He swallowed hard. Of course, I will, Rob. I put my head on his shoulder, took his hand in mine and closed my eyes. ********** Mom woke me up early to tell me Dad had made the appointment. I was so excited I couldnt keep my hands off my dick while I packed up the few things Id brought to Orlando. We were going home early, and best of all Rob was having his dick cut with me! I was even stroking a little bit as I got down on my knees to check to see if Id left anything under the bed. Nothing was there, but it never hurts to check. I still had a few minutes before Mom was coming to get me, so I walked into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. I kept running my hand over my nipples as I stroked, but then I had a great idea. Even though my cock was as hard as it could be, I pulled it down hard and squeezed my legs together tight to see what I would look like without it. What I saw made the little guy spring loose, so I decided to go ahead and let him have his fun. I turned off the light, flipped on the heat lamp, closed my eyes, and started stroking hard. Before I knew it, my eyes flew open as I wobbled on weak knees. Three lines of milky liquid were dripping down the mirror, and it was time to get dressed. Mom would be there soon. As we were checking out at the front desk, I happened to be watching the elevators when Sean walked out. He looked just as hot as ever in his tight t-shirt and swimsuit. He was with his parents, and when he saw me he immediately looked away and stood between them, almost like he was a little scared of me. I waved, but he just kept going. Oh well, I couldnt let a little thing like that get me down after all, I was going to get the best present in the whole world in just a few days. Before I knew it, we were out on the interstate heading back to the island. Wed picked up some burgers from Hardees on our way out of town, and I was sitting in the backseat munching away while Mom listened to one of her books on tape. I had my iPod turned all the way up to drown out the story about some middle aged woman having an affair with a pirate. The burger was pretty good, but I was really scoping out the cars that we passed. There were a lot of vacationers leaving town that day, and every other car had a hot guy in it. Every time I saw one I liked I would imagine him fucking me while I rubbed the empty spot where my cock used to be. That was when I saw it. The coolest billboard in the world: Next Exit! Lap-Dances, All Male Review, Adult Toy Shop. There was a giant picture of this young guy in a leather jockstrap serving drinks. Mom, quick, take this exit. What on earth? Quick, take this exit. Hurry, dont miss it. I told you to use the bathroom at the hotel if you thought you were going to need to go before we get home. She pulled onto the off ramp, and we slowly curved around into this intersection with three gas stations and a small non-descript building with all the windows blacked out. The parking lot was packed. Mom! I dont have to pee. I want to visit the toy shop. What toy shop? Weve got a long drive ahead of us, and we want to get back to Gastern before dark. You didnt see the sign? Theres a gay toy shop. Brendan, you mean to tell me you made me pull off because you want to go to an adult sex shop? Theyll never let you go in there. Youre way too young. What do you want to get, anyway? After being with Sean, I really want to get some dildos and stuff like that. Especially now that Im not going to have a penis, I need some way to get off. Mom pulled the car into the parking lot and exasperatedly turned off the ignition. We need to have a talk, Brendan. About what, Mom, all I want is a dildo. I dont mean about that. If you want a dildo, Ill get you one. Theres nothing wrong with a boy enjoying every part of his body. I mean we need to talk about your penectomy. I thought you and Dad already decided I could do it. I was starting to get worried. She turned around and looked at me, and I could tell she was really worried, too. Weve decided to let you do it, but you have to be sure its not something youre going to regret. Its obvious, Brendan, that you enjoy sex, and thats perfectly natural. Its also obvious that you have the same urges that almost every other boy your age has. You get more erections than a rabbit in springtime. Why is it that youre so set on having a part of you removed that brings you so much pleasure? I dont know. Ever since I first heard Rob and Stephen talking about it, its been all I can think about. Its so amazing. Thats not a very good answer, Brendan. I know you tend to be more emotional and impulsive than your brother, but before we let you do something this permanent, I feel like we have to understand why you want it. Until I was with Sean, it was just something I liked thinking about. Even when I went to the clinic, I wasnt really serious. I just wanted to know more about it. You know, thinking about it makes me so hard. When I was talking to the doctor about what they do and what its like afterward, I started thinking about my body and what it wanted. You and Dad always tell us that we need to listen to our bodies and give them what they need. I want to be smooth down there, and my body wants it, too. Thats why I told Dad I wanted all my junk taken off. What about being with Sean made you so sure? And what made you change your mind about castration? Im worried that if being with him could make you change your mind, then something else might have the same effect, but if you decide differently after youve had your penectomy, it will be too late to do anything about it. Im not going to change my mind. Sean made all the difference. Hes really the first guy Ive ever been with all the way. Sure, Ive fooled around a little with friends back home, but he was the first person to ever really fuck me, and hes the first boy Ive ever been with who was more grown up. How did that change your feelings? Sean had such a beautiful body. I want a body like that, too, and I cant have it if I lose my balls. When I first started thinking about it, I really wanted to stay like I am now forever, you know, to stay like a boy. Now, I know I want to grow up and have hair and muscles like Sean. Its not that simple, Brendan. Even if you were castrated, you could still take hormone treatments that would let you grow up normally with masculine characteristics. Really? Yes, really. See, theres a lot you havent thought about yet, and Im worried that youre just too young to appreciate what it is that you want to do. But I really am sure now. You didnt let me finish. Go ahead. When Sean fucked me, I knew for sure what I wanted. It felt so good to have him inside me that I realized I wouldnt miss my dick, that my body was made to enjoy sex that way. There are many gay and straight men alike who enjoy anal sex. Just because your prostate can give you pleasure doesnt mean that your penis should be removed. Dont you still want to be able to have pleasure with your penis? You dont understand, Mom. Help me understand. I dont know what its like for a girl, and I dont want to be a girl, either, but for boys your cock is always on. Does that make sense? You mean that your penis is hard to control, that it has a mind of its own, so to speak? Yeah, I mean I get hard all the time, even when I dont want to. Sure it feels good to get off like that, but it feels so much better to get off the other way. Are you ashamed of your penis or of your erections? No, why should I be ashamed? All boys are like that. You should never be ashamed of your body, and youre right that almost all boys experience arousal like you do. I still dont understand, though. Why not have anal sex, but keep your penis in case you want to use it later? Its so hard to explain. Youre doing fine, Brendan. Just keep going. Tell me what youre thinking. I guess it feels like my cock wants to be removed. My body is trying to tell me that it doesnt belong there anymore. Whenever I think about going to the clinic, I get so hard. Thats my body trying to tell me Im supposed to be cut. Its all I can think about. I stopped for a minute and thought hard of some way I could explain it to her. I watched this show a few weeks ago on TV about transplants. They were talking about this guy who got the first hand transplant ever over in France. I remember that story. Yeah, anyway, when he got his new hand, he just felt like it wasnt a part of him. He could move it, he could feel with it, he could use it, but it just didnt feel like it was his. All he could think about was getting rid of it, even after all the trouble of getting it attached in the first place. Is that how you feel about your penis? Yeah, thats exactly how I feel. I mean it feels so good when I touch it and when I cum, but ever since I started thinking about this stuff I just havent felt like it was mine anymore. Its still attached, but its not part of me. Mom was quiet for a long time. I was still scared she was going to tell me I couldnt go to the clinic. I think I understand a little bit better now. Thank you, Brendan. Anything for you, Mom. I reached up and gave her a hug. Now what did you want from the toy shop exactly? I want a dildo, but I dont know much about them. Ill go take a look around. She went in to the little building, and it wasnt but about two minutes before she came back out. I was a little disappointed because she wasnt carrying a package, but she walked over to the car and told me what happened. I explained to the nice young man in there that my gay son was interested in picking out a few things, and he said it was alright for you to come in as long as Im with you. I jumped out of the car, and my heart was pounding as we walked back in together. I dont know what I expected, but the shop sure wasnt it. There were rows and rows of shelves with videos on them, and some of them were pretty gross. Others were pretty hot, too, but thats not what I was looking for. The guy behind the counter was about Stephens age, but he looked like he hadnt washed his hair in a week or two. I didnt let that stop me, though. I just walked right up to him. Where are your dildos? Theyre along the far wall, right beyond the viewing rooms. I raced down the aisle and almost knocked over this one older guy who was coming out of the rooms. He looked shocked to see me and almost ran out of the shop, but before he was out the door I found what I was looking for. The whole wall was covered with boxes and shrink-wrapped packages of dildos. Some looked like the real thing, but others were all sorts of weird shapes and colors. Some were even double ended, and one was the size of my arm. Mom walked up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. Do you see anything that you like? There are so many. I grabbed one that sort of reminded me of Seans dick. It was latex and very realistic. Maybe you should get several. You never know what kind youll like the best, and it may be a while before you can get another one. Good idea. I pulled another one down that was a little bit smaller but vibrated and another one that was vinyl and bigger. How about one of these? Mom showed me a bright blue thing made of silicone. It was called a butt plug and had a base about three inches across. The shaft was skinny and about seven inches long, but all the way up there were balls spaced about an inch apart. Each ball got bigger as they went down the shaft. Your Father enjoys this kind. Cool. Lets get it, then. Four should be enough. If I need something else, we can always order it off the internet. As we paid at the counter, several other customers came and went. Each one of them seemed shocked to see Mom and me standing there. By the time we got back out to the car, I was already opening the one that reminded me of Sean. While Mom cranked up the car and got us back on the interstate, I played with it. The dildo felt so real hard on the inside, but still soft and warm to the touch like skin. I unzipped my shorts and stuck the fake dick inside so the head was sticking out. After giving it a few strokes, I imagined I was cutting it off. I pulled it out, and put it on the seat next to me. While I looked at it lying there, I pretended it was my cock. Somehow it just felt so right. I reached into my shorts and began to stroke my real dick, but thinking back about what I had told Mom I stopped. It wasnt part of me anymore, and even though it felt good, jerking off just wasnt the same. I zipped back up, put my iPod back on full volume, and smiled. It wouldnt be long now until things would be the way they were supposed to be. The rest of the trip back to the island went in a flash. Before I knew it we were pulling into the driveway, and Dad was there to give us both a big hug. I ran inside to show Rob my new toys, but I had almost forgotten that now Stephen was living with us, too. The two of them were sitting on the couch together, arms around each other. Rob smiled, but Stephen had a hard time looking at me for some reason. Hey guys. I gave Rob a hug and shook Stephens hand. He looked so uncomfortable. Look what Mom got me. I opened the bag and dumped the toys on the couch next to them. Rob kind of chuckled as he picked up the butt plug, but Stephen still looked like he was going to be sick. Are you okay, Stephen? Everything healing up good? He gave me a half smile. Yeah, now that Im with Rob, everythings going to be alright. Good, cause all of us were worried about you. Did Rob tell you the big news? Rob spoke up. He knows about our appointment, Bren, but what say lets talk about it later? Thats cool. You guys mind if I use the bedroom for a while since youre out here? I was more than a little relieved they didnt want to talk about it. Id already talked about it enough, and I had something else on my mind. Sure thing, Stephen said. Have fun, Rob added with a grin. I scooped up the toys and off I went. As soon as I got the door closed, I had my shirt and shorts off and was opening the tube of anal lube my Mom had picked out. I took Sean back out of the bag and started working him against my hole. My cock was rock hard again, but it didnt matter. The dildo soon slid inside me, and I couldnt help but moan it felt so good. It was a little hard to get the right angle on the thing with my hand, though, so I sat on the bed using my own weight to push the latex cock deeper. Before too long, I figured out I could squeeze it back out with my ass muscles, so I started riding the corner of the bed. Bouncing on Sean was so intense. My eyes closed as I started sweating from the workout. I dont know how much time it took because I was lost in the sensation, but soon waves of pleasure were rocking my entire body. I didnt even bother to try to catch the cum as it shot out of my cock and onto the dresser. I slowly pulled Sean out of my hole and started to open the next fake cock. This felt so good, so right. I couldnt wait until my dick was gone then all I would have to worry about was finding a boy to love so I could have the real thing inside me again. |