Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

It’s ironic that Ray Childress was in Yosemite Park that night. Ray was the head of an almost unknown, and certainly unpublicized department in the Pentagon, “The Department for Study of UFO Phenomena.” This isn’t to imply that Ray was an important man in the government. His department consisted of Ray, his secretary, Wanda, and his investigator, Elmer (Johnny) Johnson. What is so ironic is that the person on who’s shoulder would fall the responsibility for the upcoming investigation, was one of the first victims. Oh, there had been reports of alien abductions, and of mysterious surgeries being performed, but there had always been such stories, so not much attention had been paid to previous reports. After June 14, 2003, after Yosemite, no one would any longer have doubts about UFO’s, or about alien abductions. Oh, the government tried to hide it for a while, but it started happening so frequently and to so many people that there was no way to keep it quiet.

The last thing Ray remembered on June 13, was sitting around the campfire with his wife and two kids telling ghost stories. I guess it’s only appropriate that Ray was telling a story about aliens coming to the campground to abduct them. Ray’s story only partly came true. He was the only one of his family taken. He didn’t know it at the time, however. He didn’t realize that he had been anywhere. He woke up lying on the ground around the campfire with the rest of his family who were also beginning to stir. He was cold and stiff from lying on the ground, but otherwise felt fine. If he felt a twinge in his groin, it wasn’t significant enough to call his attention away from the stiffness of his muscles.

He and his wife, Sarah, looked at each other with puzzled expressions on their faces. They didn’t understand how they could have fallen asleep sitting in front of the campfire. They really didn’t have any other explanation, however.

Ray did feel his usual morning need to pee, though. His prostate gave him trouble from time to time, so he rarely made it through the night without urinating. This time he hadn’t peed all night, so his bladder felt like it was ready to burst. He told his family that he’d be right back, and walked rapidly to the toilet. He latched the door, and as usual dropped his pants. When he reached down to grab his cock, he received the biggest shock of his life, possibly the biggest shock that any man could receive. His cock was still there, but he had no balls. There wasn’t even a sack! It’s as if he had never had balls. The skin beneath his cock was tight and smooth. When he looked closely, there seemed to be a red line down the center of the skin on the bottom of his cock, but even as he looked, it seemed to be fading. Along with other more morbid thoughts that passed through his mind was one positive one, “Well, that should take care of my prostate problems.”

Ray still had to pee, so he took care of that necessity while he continued to stare at where his balls used to be. He sat down on the toilet so that he could examine what was left. He stared at the underside of his dick as though, if he continued to watch, his balls would reappear. They didn’t.

He was in the toilet so long that Sarah began to worry. She walked over and knocked on the door. “Ray, honey, are you OK?”

Ray replied, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be out in a minute.” After all, what could he say, “No, honey, my balls just fell off.” How do you tell your wife that you no longer had balls. She used to grab hold of them when they were screwing, and threaten to pull them off, but he knew that she really liked his nuts.

After a few minutes he came out. Sarah looked at the strange look on his face. “Are you sure you’re all right, Ray?” This time Ray said, “I need to talk to you about something, but let’s have breakfast first. I can tell you later.”

After breakfast, rather than say anything, he took her into the tent, sat her on the bed, stood in front of her and dropped his drawers. Sarah shrieked and put her hand to her mouth. “Wha-What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Ray replied. It was like that when I went to pee this morning. It must have something to do with our passing out last night.”

By this time there was a stir throughout the campground. It was strange, though. It was occurring mostly in each individual campground. There wasn’t much interchange between groups, but I guess one doesn’t run around shouting, “I lost my balls! I lost my balls!” You couldn’t very well ask, “Has anyone seen my balls,” could you?

The park rangers and medical staff were notified, however, and, before long, it was determined that every male between the age of 25 and 60 had lost his nuts. In each case there was no visible evidence that they’d ever had any. There wasn’t a nut or a scrotum on anyone in that age range. Needless to say, many vacations were cut off.

Ray and his family flew off to Washington.

Over the next six months men continued to lose their balls. At first it was at campgrounds and then in small towns. People would fall asleep and wake up the next morning without balls or any evidence that they’d ever had any. By June 14, 2004, more than fifteen million men in the United States had lost their balls. During this time, UFO sightings had increased tremendously. Even many of those who had been spared before lost their nuts when they reached twenty-five years of age. By 2006, forty-five million men in the United States had lost their balls, and it was happening all over the world. Usually it happened to men between 25 and 60, but occasionally a particularly virile older man would lose his, and, now and then, even pubescent boys would lose them. Everyone figured that it was connected to the UFO sightings, but no one was sure, until one crashed near Roswell, NM.

Ray flew out to investigate. The aliens had been killed in the crash, but the ship was mostly intact. In the ship they found the rooms where the surgery had been performed. When they were able to partially restore power they found that the surgical tools could make an incision that never bled and then close it without a sign that an incision had ever been made. They found over a million human balls stored in a stasis field that kept them as fresh as when they’d first been extracted. They determined that the storage containers were in the kitchen of the ship. In the dining room area there were containers of testicles prepared in many different ways. The floor was littered with balls that had spilled out in the crash. Human testicles were a great delicacy to the aliens. They didn’t care much for the taste of the rest of a human, but the nuts were ambrosia to them. It was concluded that the aliens cared little for the stringy old nuts of old men, and that they usually refrained from cutting those under the age of twenty-five in order to maintain breeding stock.

The aliens were too far advanced for us. We couldn’t even regularly detect their ships, much less attack them. They could place a large area under a stasis field, that would render everyone in it unconscious. The governments did the only thing they could. They passed laws encouraging men to marry at a young age and to have children before they were twenty-five. Chances were, after age twenty-five, their nuts would be on some alien’s plate.