Lawyers in Love Part 11

Gino left for work a little earlier than usual. Marilyn was there when he left, for which I was grateful, because he wasn’t able to do more than give me a hurt and puzzled look. Marilyn barely acknowledged I was there. She’d got home at eleven and, to judge by her bedside table, went to bed with a big tumbler of gin. She wasn’t crisp that next morning.

As soon as she was gone I called Doctor Spector’s answering service, and said that I needed to see him that day. While I was waiting for the call back I scoured the house for everything of Gino’s and packed it up. Considering he had lived there five months, it wasn’t a lot. I appreciated that he never felt truly felt at home here. I didn’t think the fault was mine.

By noon his possessions were on their way to his mother’s house and I was on my way to my appointment with Doctor Spector.

This time, he didn’t ask me to undress. Instead, he gave me a smile and a hug. “You’re looking wonderful, Suzee.” He looked me up and down. “This is a really wonderful result. .I wish all my patients did so well.”

“I want to start taking testosterone. As soon as possible and the highest dose I can stand.”

Surprise, disappointment, and discomfort all showed on his face. “Why is that?”

“I’ve decided to leave my wife and I want to go back to being a man.”

“Oh . . . it’s going to be a lot of work at this point, you understand.”

“I know.”

“It may not be completely satisfactory. You have changed a lot.”

“I’ve decided to leave. Changing back is part of it.”

He was flustered. “Suzee, this is very hard . . I have no reason not to support you in this. It’s a personal decision, just like when you started. And normally you and I have complete confidentiality. But . . . this isn’t a normal situation. You know that you signed a health care power of attorney in favor of your wife?”

“I signed a lot of documents one night when I was drinking.”

“I don’t know if you realize this, but your wife has veto power over your medical decisions. And she requires me to report to her about your treatment.”

“And that includes this visit”

“I’m afraid so. My instructions are to call the same day. I just wanted to be sure you knew that. I’m not even supposed to tell you, according to the document, but . . . I wanted you to know.”

“Even so, I would like to start. I’m leaving her and changing back is part of that.”

He gave me a small bag with bottle of testosterone and some syringes. The bottle was different in size and color than the ones Marilyn had been injecting me since we’d returned from Key West. :”I’ve been on estrogen all along, haven’t I, Doctor? She told you to keep giving that instead of switching me a year ago.”

“Those were her instructions. I’m sorry. It’s been twenty months of high dose estrogen.””

“Well, thank you , Doctor. Things are going to change now.”

“Suzee, I’ve given you the medication you asked for. But it’s very late in your therapy. And when your wife finds out I don’t know what will happen.”

“I’d like a favor, doctor.”

“If I can, of course.”

“Everything up to this moment, you report to Marilyn. What I wanted and why I want it. But there’s something else, and I want that kept confidential. I’ll sign a letter to you, but the other thing, that stays between us.”

He looked dubious. “This says it’s a binding document. ‘Durable Medical Power of Attorney.’ It’s notarized, husband to wife. I don’t know that I can just disregard it.”

I pulled a copy of my divorce decree out of my purse. “She’s not my wife anymore.”

“If she asks specifically, I still think I would have to tell her.”

I allowed myself a small smile. “That’s fine. She won’t ask this.”

Marilyn was home late that night, as usual. I heard her car pull in, heard her go to the bar, heard her steps on the stairs. She went to sleep without calling for me. What she thought when she walked in and found the bedroom empty, I don’t know. Perhaps Gino had called and perhaps he hadn’t.

The next morning I brought her breakfast; she accepted it without comment. It went on that way for two days. Gino was never mentioned. There were few opportunities to talk, anyway; she came home last, poured herself a huge gin, and went to bed. Our only interaction was my delivery of the breakfast tray. Until Friday morning, that is.

For the first time I could remember, she was fully dressed and ready to go out. I put down the tray and started to leave. She looked me in the eye, coldly. “You are going to get me that bottle of testosterone, right now.”

I retrieved the bag from Doctor Spector and handed it to her.

. “On your knees, Suzee.” She stood over me, her hands on her hips. “You have been very, very bad.”

“You said I could have testosterone. You said so when we came back from Key West.”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Suzee. You wouldn’t have made an appointment to see Doctor Spector if you hadn’t figured out you were on estrogen all along. You know what would happen if you took this? You’d get ideas. You’re better off the way you are.”

“But Ma’am, you said . . .” my voice trailed off.

“I can’t believe I spent all this time getting you to toe the line, and you’re still acting up.”

I kept my eyes lowered, looking at her knees. “You said I could change back.”

“Are you kidding? You’ve got longer hair, bigger breasts, a flatter stomach, and nicer ass than I do. You, be a man again?”

I kept my voice level and slow. “You said I could. I shouldn’t need your permission again.”

“You didn’t think I would take you off estrogen, did you? Give up after all that work?” She sighed. “You’re getting very uppity. I think those teeny little balls of yours must still be pumping something out.” She looked me in the eye. “We need to fix that.”

“What’s wrong with me wanting something for myself?”

“Because I decide. You’re the maid and I’m the boss. And I’ve decided.” She held up the bottle of testosterone. “What did you think this would do for you? Change you back, like magic? Make those breasts go away? Make your little thing stand up again? And what would you do with it if you could? It was the size of a child’s the last time I looked.”

“I want to leave. And I want to leave as a man.”

She shook her head. “It’s way, way too late for that. This isn’t about your choices. And it never was..” She put the bottle on the floor and stamped on it with her shoe. There was a tinkle of glass, and a pool of clear liquid appeared around her foot. “There’s your testosterone, Suzee. You have no job and no money. You don’t even have health insurance. And even if you did, you can’t get any medical care if I don’t want it. You are mine. Being my maid is all there’s ever going to be for you. Change into a dress and get in the car. You can clean up the mess later.”

“Where are we going?”

“I’m not going to ask you again.”

She drove in silence to a nearby strip mall and stopped in front of a tattoo parlor. Whatever was going to happen, I hadn’t anticipated this. “What are we doing here?”

“School, part one. Follow me.”

She led me inside; they were expecting us. The receptionist showed us to a private booth and drew the curtains.. As soon as they were drawn, she stepped close, pulled my dress a little away from my body, and slashed it from top to bottom with a small knife. I gasped. As the dress fell away she grabbed my bra and sliced it through between the cups. My hands moved to my chest. She slashed my panties off as well. In seconds, the shreds of my clothes in a puddle around my ankles and I was naked except for my shoes

She stepped back and regarded me. I kept a hand on my crotch and one over my breasts. “That’s better,” she said. “This is part one of school. Teaching you how to be a better maid.”

I looked around; there was nothing to wear but a hospital type smock, and she was making no effort to let me get to it. “My clothes—what did—“

“You ought to be a lot easier to deal with now. You can do as you’re told, and I will go get you some clothes. Or you can be difficult and I will leave you here, for good. There’s a homeless shelter a few miles away, if you can figure out how to get there.”

“You’re just mad because Gino left.”

“I couldn’t stop him from leaving but I can stop you.”

“I . . . could leave if I wanted.”

“Your problem is that you have too many choices. You’re confused. I’m going to help you. When we’re done you’re not going to be confused anymore.”

“I like being the way I am. What am I here for?”

She made a show of looking at her watch. “We have a lot to do and not much time. I’m going to have you tattooed.”

“What kind of tattoo?”

She was enjoying this. “Oh, we’re going to do a lot of things to you.” She looked me up and down. “We’re going to start with the eyes. We’re going to tattoo eye makeup on. Eye liner, a little eye shadow.. Nothing heavy, just enough so that you can never try to pass as a man again. And then we tattoo your lips. Permanent lipstick. Something subtle, pink or a soft red. I’m going to let them decide the color I just care that it never comes off. I’m going to have your ears pierced, for good measure. And one more thing. Just so there’s absolutely no confusion about what you are, I’m going to put a tattoo on your ass. A nice big one so no one will miss it.”

“Please, no, Ma’am.”

“The one on your ass, it’s going to say ‘Suzee Slut,’ and they’re going to ink it really deep so it can’t be removed without major surgery. You’re going to carry that on your butt the rest of your life. That will give you something to think about next time you wonder if you should leave.”

“Please—“

“And maybe when I get a new boyfriend who will want to use that ass of yours. Think about how that would be. You’re doing the vacuuming and he comes up behind you and tells you he’s ready. No candy and flowers for you, Suzee. You pull your panties off and spread your legs and grab your ankles with your hands. And while he’s sticking it to you, he gets to look at your tattoo. It will give you both something to think about.”

“Ma’am, that would be so cruel, you don’t have—“.

She shook her head impatiently. “I’m leaving now. I’ll be back in two hours with some fresh clothes We need to get to the second part of the school.” She opened the curtain a little and turned. “Are you going to be ready? No arguments; yes or no?”

She was being especially cruel then. There was really no choice, none at all. But she wanted me to pretend that there was, and that I was deciding this freely. Like so many of the choices in the past, it was an illusion. But I was so close now, no matter what happened, there was no turning back. I had to see this through.

“Yes.”

The tattoo artists were good at their work, but there was much to do in a short time. Marilyn had left very specific instructions. The tattooists must have had instructions not to talk to me, because they spoke only when necessary. I sat quietly; for almost an hour my eyes were shut while they tattooed the eyeliner and eye shadow. I kept my eyes shut when they did my lips, too; it was painful, and I didn’t want to see them partly done. It would have looked awful. And I didn’t have a choice on the shade, anyway. By the time they were done with my face it was throbbing. My eyes hurt, my ears, my lips. Then they had me lay on my stomach and started on the ass tattoo. I was having so much facial discomfort that I barely felt the new one by comparison, but knowing what they were doing, marking me for the rest of my life, was worse than the facial work. Marilyn had a sort of a reason for the makeup tattoos, and by comparison to all of the other body modifications, they were minor, even necessary to complete the transformation. But the tattoo on my ass was sheer meanness, disfiguring my body just for spite.