Christine XXI: Surgery (Final chapter)

“Did you know about all this?” I asked Josh when I got him alone.
“Sorta,” he replied. “I guess I been kinda in a world of my own the past few days. It just seemed that there was one thing after another keeping you from getting that surgery, an’ then when you said you were canceling, I really didn’t know where I stood. I started tryin’ to get used to the idea of us just being friends all our lives, an’ that got me real depressed. I didn’t want to give up, but when it looked like you were givin’ up I didn’t see that I had much choice. I just want you to be happy, Christine.”

“I am happy, Josh,” I said as he surprised me once more by starting to cry. Suddenly I was the comforter. Josh had always been so strong, had always been my rock, my stabilizing influence, my protector, and now it was HIS head on MY shoulder, sobbing as if his heart would break.

“Hey, you lovebirds,” Uncle Robert said as he came in the back door, “everyone is wondering where you two disappeared to. C’mon, you have a whole lifetime for that.” And then he noticed Josh was crying. “He’s been under a lot of stress lately,” the doctor explained. “Josh doesn’t say much, but I knew he was very worried about you and how this was all going to turn out. I think you’ll find him a different person after tomorrow.”
“Uncle Robert... uhhhh... Dr. Reynolds, can we talk for a minute?” I asked. “I mean just you and Josh and me? I got a very big favor to ask.”
“Sure, Honey,” the gentle man said as he hugged us both. “What is it?”

“Tomorrow morning,” I said when we’d got Josh calmed down, “the first thing you’ve gotta do is the castration, right?”
“Yes, that’s right. I think Dr. Cooper is planning on doing that before they put you to sleep.”
“Yeah, that’s what he told me,” I confirmed. “He said the less time I’m asleep the better it is for me, and I told him I kinda wanted to see that much anyway. Kinda like I was being set free from the prison my body is in.”
“So what’s the favor? Have you changed your mind? Would you rather be asleep?”
“No, sir. I was just wondering... could you maybe somehow arrange for Josh to do it? I mean to cut them off? Please?”

The look on Josh’s face was priceless. It was a combination of shock, disbelief, and pure unadulterated stark terror. His gorgeous brown eyes popped open to twice their normal size, his mouth dropped so wide open his chin was resting on his chest, and he was gasping for breath. “Gee, I don’t know, Christine,” the doctor said, but I could see in his eyes that he realized the value of having Josh do it. Poor Josh had been kept in the background of so much of the negotiations lately, and his father and I both knew this was a good part of the reason he was so depressed. Josh was one of those people who had a desperate need to be involved in anything that affected him, and I certainly fell into that category.
“Please?” I begged. “You could coach Josh tonight, and it can’t be that complicated.”
“You’re not being fair,” the doctor said to me. “You know I can’t refuse you when you look at me like that.”
“Please?” I pressed.
“I’ll see if I can set it up,” he sighed. “I’m not promising, but I’ll check with Dr. Cooper. If he says OK and Josh feels he’s up for it, we’ll do it.”

“I don’t know if I can do it, Christine,” Josh said haltingly.
“Why not?” I said with a mischievous smirk I hadn’t used for quite some time. “After all if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be getting castrated at all.”
“Me? What’ve I got to do with it?” Josh asked with surprise.
“C’mon, Josh, you know you’re a lousy liar,” I accused. “You yourself told me there’d been a lot of donations. How stupid d’ya think I am? I know those so-called donations came from your retainer from Mr. Marks. I shoulda known all along in the end it’d be you who came to the rescue, just like always.”

“I’m afraid she’s got you, son,” Dr. Reynolds said with a grin. “I told you she’d figure it out.”
“But I... I mean how...” Josh stammered.
“Just do it, ok Josh?” I pleaded. He didn’t answer, but his face broke into one of his old smiles - the one that had so captivated a little boy in a dress two years ago in a campground in the mountains.

We had the option of spending the night at home Sunday night provided we were back at the hospital at 6 AM, but Tony was anxious to get back to check on Ben. Uncle Robert had a few patients he wanted to check on anyway, so Tony and I just went with him when he left at 5. As he had promised, we had been moved to a semi-private room with two beds. Tony was delighted. As soon as we were checked in and had our dinner - if you can call custard and Jell-o dinner, we made our way to Ben’s room. I could see no improvement whatsoever, but the nurse told us that he was showing definite positive signs. “You won’t see any difference until his blood count improves a lot, but the signs are there,” she told us.

“So you guys are both goin’ under the knife tomorrow,” Ben said weakly but cheerfully. “Are y’all nervous?”
“Not me,” Tony said confidently. I didn’t bother telling them I was scared to death, but I didn’t have to. I guess Ben could see it in my eyes. “You’ll be ok, Christine,” he assured me. “Take it from Uncle Ben here, you’re gonna be just fine.”

Uncle Ben? I opened my mouth to tell him that I was two months older than he is, but I closed it again. I guess I figured with all that he’d been through that he had the right to call himself “uncle.” But he certainly wasn’t CRYING uncle. He wasn’t talking about death any more either, which was a relief to Tony and me.

We sat and visited for an hour or so with Tony monopolizing most of the conversation as he told Ben all about our day, his first ever cookout, his new family. I tried to hush him with my eyes, remembering that Ben had been more or less abandoned in the hospital, but Tony would have none of it. Ben seemed to take it well, and I found myself thinking that we could perhaps help him too once he started to get better. When it was time to leave and get ready for bed, Ben smiled and wished us well, promising to come visit us while we were bedridden if he could talk someone into getting him into a wheelchair.

“Time to get up, you two,” an all-too-cheery nurse announced at 6 the next morning. As usual Tony had crawled into bed with me, then barraged me with a million questions about life at the Elliot home, were Mom and Dad always that nice, did I think Gail liked him, and on and on. By the time we’d got to sleep it had been well after midnight, so we weren’t really thrilled about being jarred awake at 6. “Of course you both know after your surgery you’re gonna have to stay in your own beds for a week or two,” the nurse informed us.
“Yeah, we know,” I said as I yawned and stretched.

“I have also learned that you two were a bit naughty yesterday,” she said conspiratorially.
“Naughty?” we asked as we searched each other’s face. “I didn’t think we were,” I added.
“Sorry, Dr. Reynolds ratted on the both of you,” she said with a smirk that made me most uncomfortable. “He said you both had two pieces of chicken. I hope you enjoyed it, but of course you know we’ve gotta get it out of you before you go upstairs.”
“Out of us?” Tony asked. “How you gonna do dat?”
“With these,” she answered as she began to prepare two enemas. “You might as well hold off on your showers until we’re through. This could get a little nasty.”

Neither Tony nor I had ever had an enema before, but I had been warned it would probably come. Tony hadn’t been, and he was absolutely horrified when the nurse explained what she was going to do. He begged and pleaded, promised never again to eat chicken in his life, all to no avail. “I was just fooling with you,” the nurse laughed. “Even if you hadn’t eaten at all, the doctors would still want you cleaned out. So who wants to be first?”
“I... I’ll go first,” I volunteered, hoping that it would allay some of Tony’s fears. It didn’t, but when his turn came Tony submitted, not willingly, but bravely. Three enemas later we finally got our showers and were just settling back in bed with those horrible hospital gowns on when the troops came in to see us. “The nurse said they’re running a little late, so we can only stay for a minute or two,” Mom said when everyone was in the room.
“Where’s Josh?” I asked, noticing that he was the only one not present.
“No one’s seen him this morning,” Gail answered.
“Maybe he’s with his dad,” Mom suggested.

Five minutes later the nurse came in to shoo everyone out. So Tony and I were subjected to kisses and hugs from everyone, then we were alone again. “You scared?” Tony asked in a trembling voice.
“Yeah, a little,” I confirmed. I wasn’t about to admit to my new little brother that I was terrified. “You?”
“Yeah,” Tony said. “The doc said he was gonna have to take some stuff outta my legs to make my new dick, ‘cause my arms are too skinny. I bet they’re gonna be real sore.”
“It’ll be ok,” I tried to reassure him. “Dr. Reynolds told me the doctors that are operating on us are the best in the business.”

Before we had a chance to discuss it further, a nurse showed up with a needle for both of us. “This is just something to help you two relax,” the kind nurse said as she plunged the needle into my butt.
“But what is it?” I asked, more curious than nervous.
“Just Demerol, a mild narcotic,” the nurse answered. Totally wrong thing to say. Before either the nurse or I realized what was happening, Tony was practically climbing the walls, all the time screaming at the top of his voice, “NO! PLEASE, Christine, don’t let her. NOOOOOO!

“What on earth,” the nurse exclaimed. “He’s gone nutso!” For reasons I really don’t understand, I understood instantly what was going on. Tony was so terrified he was literally out of control.
“You’ve gotta understand,” I said to the nurse. “Tony’s life up to now hasn’t been all that great. He doesn’t even know who his father is and his mother was so hooked on drugs she wouldn’t even help him when he had his ‘accident.’ If it hadn’t been for his sister he would’ve bled to death.”
“But I’ve got to give him this needle,” the nurse stated firmly. “Doctor’s orders.”
“Give me a minute with him, please?” I asked. “Come back in ten minutes.”
“But our schedule...” the nurse protested.
“Ten minutes,” I pleaded. “He’ll be ok, I promise.”

I had quite a time getting Tony calmed down after the nurse had left. My task hadn’t been made much easier by the shot I’d had because it was already making me somewhat unsteady on my feet. I explained to Tony that the drug wasn’t going to turn him into a junkie, wasn’t going to addict him or get him high because the dose was too low. “It just makes you more relaxed, Tony,” I said as the little guy settled in my bed with me. “Do you think I’m acting high?”
“Well.... no,” he sniffled.
“You saw her give me the shot,” I said. “I kinda lied to you earlier. I said I was a little nervous, but the truth is I was scared to death. But I’m feeling a little better now. That shot just kinda took the edge off.
“But... I don’t wanna end up like my first mama,” Tony said, his eyes open wide and staring directly into mine.
“Not gonna happen,” I promised. “Have I let you down yet?”
“You would never let me down, Christine,” Tony said. It suddenly occurred to me that at ten years old I was someone’s hero! But there was no time to think about that now.
“That’s right, Tony, I wouldn’t ever let you down. You’ve been through so much, and it’s almost over. After this surgery you can just be the great kid that you are without any worries. Our Mom and Dad are the greatest in the world, and they’re not gonna ever put you in a situation that isn’t good for you, and neither am I. You gotta learn to trust us, ok?”
“Yeah,” Tony said as he snuggled close. “If you say so I’ll trust you.”

Tony submitted to the injection, then proceeded to get as high as a kite. He was giggling and laughing, flailing his arms about, trying so hard to get out of bed that the nurse had to call for help and strap him down. In spite of the drug that was in my system, I was terrified. What had I done?

“He has inherited his mother’s addiction,” Dr. Reynolds explained when he answered the emergency call. “I’m afraid he and Marcy will live with that all their lives. I’m sorry, Christine, we should have thought of that.”
“But will he be ok?” I asked. I’m sure if I hadn’t been somewhat high myself I would have been in a state of total panic, but as it was I was quite mellow; nevertheless I wasn’t so out of it that I wasn’t concerned about what I’d done to my little brother.
“He’ll be fine,” Uncle Robert assured me. “But from now on we’ll have to be sure we’re real careful about giving him and his sister... errr... YOUR sister narcotics.

Uncle Robert made sure Tony and I were both settled down and comfortable before he left. “By the way, Josh is waiting for you upstairs,” he said over his shoulder. He was gone before I had a chance to ask him what he meant.

When they came for me with a stretcher, Tony was fast asleep. “We’ll let him sleep it off for an hour or so,” the nurse told me. “In a way it’s better anyway. We’re gonna be pretty busy with you for a little while.” So with her repeated assurances that Tony was fine and would have his surgery today, I allowed myself to be helped onto the waiting stretcher and was wheeled out of our room, up the elevator, and into the OR.

“You have made a very unusual request,” Dr. Cooper said when he came into the OR. The nurses and two doctors were scurrying around, setting up all the various devices and gadgets that are a part of all surgical procedures. I couldn’t tell what the doctor was thinking because his face was mostly covered by a mask. I didn’t know this man as well as I knew Dr. Reynolds, and I wasn’t really sure if I was ready to confront him, but I decided to stand my ground as best I could, given my drugged state.
“I’d really appreciate it, sir,” I answered. “Josh has been with me every step of the way, from the very first day. I just thought... I dunno, I guess what I thought, I was just hoping...”
“I’ll make you a deal,” the doctor said. “Josh’s father has already told him exactly what to do, but obviously he’s never been in an OR before. I’ll do the initial incision and clamping off the cords, then I’ll cut off the first testicle so he can see exactly what the procedure is. Then if he’s still standing he can do the second one. Is that acceptable?”
“Oh yes,” I said excitedly. “That would be perfect.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do,” Dr. Cooper said. “We’ll all be seeing you in a few minutes.” Then without waiting for a reply he was gone, leaving me to someone putting my legs in stirrups, someone else getting an IV started, and yet another swabbing my entire crotch area with betadyne.

There was a few minutes delay after I was all ready, the surgical site well swabbed and draped, IV inserted and running. I was lying on the table with my head slightly elevated so I could see when one of the nurses turned on a stereo, tuned to a local country station. “Some surgeons like to have music playing while they operate,” she explained to me. I didn’t mind at all. I wasn’t all that nervous because the drugs I’d been given had me in something of a euphoric state, but still I welcomed the entertainment while we all waited for the team of doctors. As I listened, a song I’d never heard before came on the radio. My training with Mr. Marks had taught me to listen to the words of every song I heard, so that now it was second nature to me. As the song unfolded, my attention was drawn to those words:

My dad chased monsters from the dark
Checked underneath my bed
He could lift me with one arm
Way up over top his head
He could loosen rusty bolts
with a quick turn of his wrist
He pulled splinters from his hand
and never even flinched
In 13 years I’d never seen him cry
But the day that Grandpaw died I realized...

Unsinkable ships sink, Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen, happen just like that
Unbendable steel bends if the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I’ve learned to never underestimate....
The impossible...

“Turn that garbage off!” Dr. Cooper ordered as he and his team entered the room, all gowned and gloved and masked, ready for surgery. “I have a Mozart CD on the shelf. Put that in the player.”

“No, wait!” I yelled. “I wanna hear the rest of that song... Please?”

Dr. Cooper stopped dead in his tracks, causing two residents behind him to collide into his back. Evidently the good doctor was not accustomed to someone, much less a pint-sized squeaky-voiced and slightly drunk patient, questioning his orders. But as he paused the song continued.

Then it was my junior year.
Billy had a brand new car.
It was late, the road was wet...
I guess the curve was just too sharp.
I walked away without a scratch,
Brought the helicopter in.
Billy couldn’t feel his legs...
They said he’d never walk again.
But Billy said he would. And his mom and daddy prayed...
And the day we graduated he stood up to say:

Unsinkable ships sink
Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen, happen just like that
Unbendable steel bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable...
I’ve learned to never underestimate
The impossible...

Now the song had the attention of everyone in the room, including Dr. Cooper and all his assistants. I’m sure the doctor had some idea what all my family and I had been through; he had told me himself that he would never have considered doing such an operation on anyone so young but Dr. Reynolds had managed to convince him that it was necessary, even urgent in many ways. Then there was Ben, so close to death and with no hope of ever getting better, yet the nurses had said he was showing signs of rallying. Tony and Marcy, hopelessly stuck in the quagmire of a slum with an abusive father and addicted mother, yet they were now facing a whole new life. So as I heard the song go on I saw Dr. Cooper looking at me with a knowing, understanding expression on what little I could see of his face.

So don’t tell me that it’s over...
Don’t give up on you and me
Cause there’s no such thing as hopeless
If you believe...

Unsinkable ships sink
Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen, happen just like that
Unbendable steel bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable.
I’ve learned to never underestimate...
The impossible...

When the song was finished and everyone was again scurrying around making last minute preparations, my eyes were blurry with tears, and in my mind there were a thousand songs I’d sung, and thought I’d heard and understood the words; but I understood them now more than ever before:

Dream-land.... dream-land
Just close your eyes, fly to dream-land
You hold the key to your fantasy
And to your beautiful dream-land

I was getting more and more teary eyed. I know some of it was nervousness, but I’m sure there was also a component that was simply relief: relief that I was finally living my dream, that I could finally be the person I’d known for two years I really was. And then I saw Josh.

I didn’t recognize him at first. He had been dressed in green surgical scrubs, a large green skull cap, a surgical mask over the lower half of his face. My first reaction was to giggle because he really did look somewhat out of place, and I’m sure that’s how he felt. But before I’d had a chance to make some smart remark I remembered why he was here, and another song popped into my head: the same song that had so profoundly affected me two years ago the night we had first met:

When you wish upon a star...
Makes no difference who you are...
When you wish upon a star your dreams come true

“That was very nice,” Dr. Cooper said. “But I think it’s time we got started.” I hadn’t even realized it, but I had started singing, and Josh had joined me. I remembered the dream I’d had not that many nights ago, and I wondered if it had been a premonition of some sort. But it really didn’t matter any more as Dr. Cooper became all business and began working and arranging the surgical drapes between my legs. “Can you feel this?” the doctor asked as he grasped my scrotum and pinched.
“No, sir,” I said.
“I guess we’re ready then,” he said as he held out his hand for a scalpel. “Can you see what’s going on?”
“Yes, sir,” I answered.

The doctor described in detail what he was doing as he worked, mostly I’m sure for the benefit of Josh and me, just as he had done in my dream. He made two small incisions, then manipulated my scrotum a little until my tiny testicles popped into view. I was astonished at how tiny they were, how easily they had been squeezed out of their home and into the doctor’s waiting hand. He explained to Josh how he was clamping the cords and wouldn’t bother doing any more than that until I was asleep, then after confirming again that I wasn’t feeling any pain he took my right ball in his left hand, then took a small pair of surgical scissors and just snipped off the cord. “One down,” he remarked as he stepped back to allow Josh access. “Your turn, young man. Just do exactly what I did. Do it gently but quickly.”

I could tell by the look in Josh’s eyes that he was feeling a little queasy, but he took his position between my legs anyway. He had never touched that part of my body before, not that he was seeing that much of it now. He very gingerly took my left ball in his hand. “That’s it,” the doctor coached. “Just pull the cord slightly snug, but not too tight. Here are the clippers.”

Josh’s right hand was trembling slightly as he accepted the small scissors from the doctor. “Just pause and take a deep breath,” the doctor instructed. “Get control of that tremor in your hand before you try cutting.” Realizing that the doctor had seen his hand shake made the tremor worse. He paused, then looked up at me. I smiled at him and nodded slightly. I could tell by the narrowing of his eyes that he was smiling back. We both returned our attention to Josh’s right hand that was now steady. He opened the scissors and placed the blades against the cords, then after a very quick glance toward me again he closed the blades. His left hand moved away from my body an inch or two, my last chance at becoming a natural man still in it.

“Good job!” the doctor and two of his assistants exclaimed as what I could see of Josh’s face turned an ashen white. Josh had still not spoken a word. “Just go back through those doors,” a nurse instructed. “Your father is waiting to get you out of those surgical clothes.

“I love you, Christine,” he called over his shoulder in a shaky voice as he was led out of the room. Even before I had a chance to answer I felt a wave of... of what I can’t really describe but it doesn’t matter, it only lasted for a fraction of a second and then there was nothing.

It seemed as if only a few seconds had passed, if that, and I heard a female voice calling me from the other end of a large pipe or something. “Christine?” the voice said. “Are you awake? Are you feeling ok?”
“I’m awful tired, Mom,” I think I said, “can I sleep a little longer?”
“I’m afraid not, Christine,” the voice said, a little clearer now. “You’ve been asleep all day. We’ve got to get you awake, Honey.”

Slowly the fog cleared and I realized I was in a room with several other people, some of whom were lying very still on gurneys; others were rushing around, adjusting various instruments, talking to the patients, and looking very busy. I could not remember ever feeling so comfortable, so completely washed out and weak. Then as my head started to clear I saw my mom and dad, just being ushered into the room. “Hi, Peanut,” Dad said with a wide grin on his face. “How’re you feeling?”
“What happened?” I demanded in a panic. “Didn’t they operate? Did something go wrong? Do we gotta do it again?”

“It’s all done,” Mom consoled as she brushed the hair out of my face. “Dr. Cooper said the operation went very well. He said you’ll be very pleased with the result.”
“But... it was only... I mean they didn’t have time, did they?”
“Lord, I hope so!” Dad exclaimed. “They worked on you for over 8 hours. How long did you think it would take?”
“Eight hours?” I echoed. “But I was only... I mean...”

“She hasn’t got her sense of time back,” the nurse explained as she came over to take my temperature. “To her it seems like she was only out for a minute or so. It’s nine PM, Christine,” she said to me. “You were sleeping the whole day while they were working on you.”
“So... so it’s really done? I’m all finished?” I asked incredulously. “It’s all over?”
“It’s done,” the nurse said. “I’m afraid it’s not all over though. The doctor has fitted you with a large brace so you can’t move your legs, and he instructed me to be sure and tell you not to try. It’s important for your proper healing that you don’t move your legs even a little bit, or strain your muscles. Well keep you on a mild tranquilizer so it’ll be easier for you to lie still, but you’ll be wide awake by morning.”

For the first time I noticed that my legs were indeed still elevated, still wide apart and held in that position by some kind of a contraption. I lifted the sheet that was covering me and saw that my crotch was heavily bandaged, and that from the waist down I was in something not unlike a body cast. “We’ll be keeping you for another hour, then you’ll be going back to your room with your brother if you’re ok,” the nurse informed me.

My brother? For a moment I’d completely forgot that I had a brother, and that he’d had surgery today too. “Tony?” I questioned. “How... I mean, is he...”
“He went down to the room about a half hour ago,” Mom told me. “Johnny and Marcy are with him. Would you like to see Josh?”
“Oh yeah!” I answered enthusiastically. “Is he here?”
“Are you kidding?” the nurse said with a chuckle. “He’s been bugging us to death ever since you came out of the OR. I’ll go get him.”

I was still somewhat groggy so I closed my eyes just for a second. When I opened them again my mom and dad were gone, but I was looking up into the gorgeous smiling face of my hero, my protector, my Josh. “You scared me!” he exclaimed. “They told me you were awake, then when I came in your eyes were closed and you didn’t seem to be breathing. Are you ok?”
“Yeah,” I said drowsily, “I’m just sleepy.”
“You in much pain?”
“Nope. The nurse said I prob’ly will be sometime tonight, but right now I’m just all warm an’ fuzzy.”
“Dad said I can stay with you tonight,” Josh said after he’d kissed me lightly. “Your mom’s gonna be staying too.”
“Cool,” I said. “We can have a game of hearts later.”
“She’s in for a rather rough night,” the nurse said as she came to check my pulse. “She might not be very good company.”
“Christine’s always good company,” Josh said defensively.

“How’s Ben?” I asked. I had asked Josh to spend some time with him while I was in surgery, rather than just sitting in a waiting room and worrying.
“About the same,” Josh answered. “The doctor says the signs are good, but he’s still awful weak. They said it’s still too early to tell, but Ben’s sure he’s gonna get better.”
“And Tony?” I asked.
“Tony’s Tony,” Josh said with a grin. “The doctor said everything went ok, an’ Tony is in his room now grinning one minute, then worried to death about you the next. He’s all bandaged up an’ got a catheter again an’ he’s not too thrilled about that, an’ they’re havin’ quite a time keeping him in bed, but he’s fine.”

Not long after Josh and I had spoken, I was declared fully awake and wheeled down to my room. Transferring me from the gurney to my bed was to say the least interesting, what with that huge body brace on and all, but eventually they had me snuggled in, and Mom and Johnny took turns fussing over Tony and me. The whole gang was allowed in to see us just for a few minutes even though visiting hours were long over, and that short reunion did a lot for both our spirits. Gail was absolutely convinced that she could see a change in me already, that I was somehow more feminine, my features more girlish. The adults tried to explain to her how such a change so soon after the operation was simply impossible, but she would not be convinced.

Recovery was, to say the very least, interesting. When you’re 10 years old, or 8, your body is at its most resilient. The doctor explained it to me in terms a child could understand. He said all children get bumps and scrapes, cuts and bruises, and so their little bodies are designed to deal with all those little setbacks, and that same principle holds true when kids have surgery. Tony and I both had a lot of pain that first night, but after that our primary problem was itching that drove us nearly insane. For the next three days we could do nothing but lie there, both of us bandaged thickly and me in my body brace, and try to scratch mentally what we couldn’t get to physically. Three times a day they changed all the bandages, and even though the process was somewhat painful the coolness of the open air when the bandages were off felt so incredibly delicious we begged the nurses to leave them off, but of course they wouldn’t.

“You have a visitor,” a nurse said on the morning of the fifth day; then without waiting for a response she pushed the door open wide and wheeled in a wheelchair. “Ben!” Tony exclaimed.
“Yeah, it’s me,” Ben said brightly. “I got tired waitin’ for y’all to come visit so I decided to come see you guys. “How y’all doing?”

I could not get over the difference in him. He was still as thin as a skeleton, still couldn’t walk on his own, but his cheeks were showing color, his eyes were bright, and he had a constant smile on his face. I guess that same childhood resilience that was healing Tony and me in record time was working on Ben as well. He stayed about a half hour and we had a great talk, then he was taken back to his room. “You don’t want to overdo it your first day up,” the nurse said. “And besides, Christine gets out of that body brace today, so she’s gonna be busy for several hours.”

Busy was not the word for it. My new genitals, which I hadn’t even seen yet, were inspected, poked and probed, manipulated and admired by just about everyone in the hospital. The bandages had been removed just after breakfast and I had been left open and exposed for literally hours. Finally Dr. Cooper arrived and after a review of my charts, plus a cursory inspection of his own, announced “Ok, Christine, that brace that’s been holding you captive is coming off.”

There are simply no words to describe the sensation when I could finally move my legs again. They were stiff and creaky, but as soon as the braces were off I brought my legs together for the first time in five days. Just that simple movement of my legs felt indescribable. “You can get up and walk around tomorrow,” the doctor said as he did a more thorough inspection of the site of the surgery. “We’ll leave the catheter in a few more days, but hopefully in another week or so you’ll be able to go home. In the meantime don’t overdo it. Just a few steps the first day, a few more the second, and so on.”

As soon as he finished with me, Dr. Cooper moved on to Tony. “Very nice,” he exclaimed when he had removed the bandages. “You can get up too, but we’re gonna leave the catheter in place for a little while. Do you want to see?”
“Yeah, man,” Tony replied in his characteristic tone. “Can Christine see too?”
“Gee, I dunno, Tony,” I said doubtfully. “I’m your sister now, and I’m not so sure I should be looking at your... errr... ‘down there’ parts.
“Christine is not allowed out of bed until the bandages are put back on,” Dr. Cooper said firmly.
“But I want her to be the first to see,” Tony said just as firmly. “If it wasn’t for Christine I wouldn’t even have it.”

Dr. Cooper, knowing that he’d just been double teamed, sighed and wheeled my bed a little closer to Tony’s, then pushed his bed so that the two beds were almost touching. I sat up in bed and looked over as Tony moved his leg so I could see. Obviously the doctor had seen something I hadn’t. Tony’s penis, relative to his body, was absolutely huge. It was dark and bruised, stitches everywhere, and to me looked absolutely hideous, but of course I couldn’t convey that sentiment to Tony. “It was a lot more difficult because Tony’s skin is so black,” the doctor explained. “Wounds on black people often heal white if you’re not particularly careful. You might end up with some white scars on your butt where we took the skin, Tony.”
“But it’s so big!” I exclaimed.
“Look at it this way,” Dr. Cooper answered with a grin, “for the next 3 or 4 years Tony’s gonna be the envy of every boy in his class. The truth is a penis usually grows a whole lot at puberty, but we’re not sure if his will or not since it was basically fabricated from other tissue from his legs and buttocks, so I made it big enough to get the job done in case it doesn’t grow as much as he could normally expect. If it doesn’t, it’ll be smaller than normal once he’s grown but big enough to... well, for its intended purpose.”
“It’ll work,” Tony said confidently. “It’s sure more than I had before.”

When our visitors began arriving: Josh and his parents, our parents, Johnny, Marcy, Gail and Aunt Julia, Adam and his mom, plus several staff members from the store, Tony and I were lying much more comfortably in our beds, laughing and joking with each other. It still hurt me to move very much, but Tony was almost pain free now and ready to get on with his life. He was determined to show everyone who came in his new enlarged penis, but eventually Mom convinced him that they wouldn’t appreciate it as much as he did. Everyone seemed very pleased and enthusiastic except Marcy, who was quiet and reserved, almost sullen.

“What’s da matter with you, Marcy?” Tony asked suddenly. Obviously he had noticed her mood as well.
“Nuthin’,” she replied, which only served to convince both Tony and me that there was definitely something wrong.
“She’s just a little out of sorts,” Mom said. “She’ll be ok. A lot’s happened to her in a short period of time.”
“A lot’s happened to Tony and me too,” I countered. “What’s goin’ on, Mom?”
“You’re right, Honey,” Mom said. “You both have a right to know. The truth is, Tony, the police called just before we left for the hospital. You... I mean, I’m sorry but...”
“Your mother’s dead, little buddy,” my Dad said as he took Tony’s tiny black hand in his.

Tony went deathly silent. For the longest time he didn’t say anything at all, nor did anyone else. I saw the biggest tears I had ever seen in my life form in his white eyes, then roll down his black cheeks. He looked up into the face of his new white father, OUR father, and he said simply, “Barry shot her, didn’t he?”
“I’m afraid so,” Dad said. I don’t think I had ever seen my father so tender. “They were found this morning in Indianapolis,” Dad added.
“They?” Tony questioned.
“Barry’s dead too,” Dad answered.
“Where they were... it was burned wasn’t it?” Tony said. In spite of his tears, his voice was strong and steady, almost emotionless.
“Yes they were,” Dad replied. “How did you know, Tony?”
“Barry was always gettin’ drunk, or high,” Tony explained. “Then he would start wavin’ a gun around and sayin’ he was gonna shoot us all and then burn the place down. Marcy and I would be dead too if it wasn’t for you and Mama, an’ Christine.”
“I’m so sorry, Tony,” Mom said as she took Tony’s other hand in both of hers, her tears flowing freely.
“It’s ok,” Tony said as his demeanor seemed to change before our eyes. “She didn’t really love us or she wouldn’t have got into drugs so much. She loved those drugs more than she loved us, Marcy.”

As if by magic, once Tony had resolved the situation in his mind, he was over his grief and made it very clear he didn’t want to hear any more about it. As we all watched in amazement, he turned his attention to his new big brother, Johnny, and began quizzing him about what it takes to become a Navy Seal. Following her brother’s lead, Marcy was soon her old self too. She was smiling and giggling, happy as any carefree little girl we had ever seen. Years later Mom confided with me that she was concerned that Marcy’s quick turnaround that way had worried her. She had wondered if Marcy and Tony had been so hardened even at their young age that they couldn’t form an attachment that would be a true bond. But as Mom admitted when we discussed it, nothing could have been further from the truth.

When I left the hospital I thought that it was over, that I was a girl in every way now, and that was the end of it. Well, life is never that simple, is it? I was still subjected to a fair amount of teasing from former classmates who remembered Christopher, the little misfit boy who just didn’t fit in anywhere. There were giggles and chortles when I appeared at a public swimming pool, entered girls’ washrooms, all that sort of thing. The thing that they didn’t understand was that I was a lot better equipped to handle such harassing now. I had more self confidence than I’d ever had, which was boosted not only by Josh’s constant admiration of my talents, my looks, my personality, but I had a black sister and brother now who both thought I walked on water. It was really difficult to stay depressed for very long with those three around constantly telling me how great I was, but the real surprise was my father.

Ever since he’d first seen me in a dress on that hot Sunday afternoon, my dad had tried with varying amounts of success to deal with my femininity. I really believe he tried his very best from the start, but he was usually less than successful. After my surgery, though, it was a totally different story. It was as if the doctor, when he’d cut off and rearranged the parts I no longer needed, had also cut out any thoughts from my dad’s brain that I had ever been anything but his little girl. He was so attentive, so doting and proud, so... so spoiling all the time it was embarrassing. We were buddies again, and to achieve that I would have gladly cut off every appendage on my entire body. That’s not to say Dad ignored Tony and Marcy and Gail because he didn’t. He made us all feel so incredibly special it was impossible to even dream that he didn’t adore us all. Even Johnny enjoyed a whole new relationship with our dad. It was totally incredible.

Josh and I were able to go on tour that summer with Mr. Marks and his band. We had a great time and learned a lot, although we did miss our families a lot. When it came time to go back to school we continued our tutoring instead of going back to school, and even had two trips to Germany to perform with the band and make a CD. We made money - not a fortune but it certainly seemed like a fortune to two pretty starry-eyed kids. But after two years we decided we wanted to just be normal kids again, so we gave up our music careers and re-entered the rat race of the public school system. It had been an incredible experience and we weren’t the least sorry we’d done it, but it was time to go back home and get back to the business of growing up.

My teen years were so fantastic there are simply no words to describe them. I had Josh, never far away even when we attended different schools, constantly watching over me and all my brothers and sisters. The whole gang now considered themselves part of our family now, because those without fathers had “adopted” my dad as their father. Josh was an unbelievable mixture of good common sense and responsibility, an inclination for a good time and a ready sense of humor, and a sensitive side that was always there with a hug, a kiss, or simply a kind word. He was one in a million, my Josh, and we all knew it. He was his father’s son in every possible way.

******************************

Well, that was then and this is now. I’m twenty-something now, actually closer to 30 than I care to admit. There are three Dr. Reynolds’ now: the original, his son Josh who is also a Pediatrician and a surgeon, and me, with degrees in Education and Child Psychology. Some day I hope to make use of my education degree and teach school, but right now I’m sorta busy as a stay-at-home mom. Oh yes, Josh and I are parents of adorable twins: Michael and Michelle. We were married just two weeks after I graduated High School, and things have been getting better every day since then. I had begun worrying about our sexual compatibility when I was 15 and wanted to check it out, but Josh had refused steadfastly, saying that he had too much respect for me to “test drive” me before we were married. As it turned out the first time we made love in the physical sense, the night of our wedding, we both knew it was going to be incredible. We’ve been proving it several times a week ever since. Neither Josh nor I has the slightest idea if our sex is better or worse than other couples because neither of us has tried anyone else, nor do we ever plan to. All we know is what we have is pretty great.

I still work part time for my dad, mostly teaching computer classes and doing a little consulting when I get the chance. I have no problems with babysitters; my twins have two grandmothers who jump at the chance to take care of them. So as soon as they were weaned I took full advantage of the built-in babysitters. Weaned, you say? Well, thanks to an excellent endocrinologist, I was able to breast feed my babies and will do so with the next one.

But back to my story. Josh was a resident at the hospital when the twins were born to a single mother who had cancer and had refused to take drugs because they would harm, maybe kill her unborn children. She died three days after Josh delivered the babies. We had planned to adopt children, but not until we both had college out of the way and our careers were established; but those twins had no family, no home, and Josh couldn’t resist. They’re three now, and we’re expecting our third child next month. This one is a little more planned. It’s another single mother, only 17 years old with a child she doesn’t want. The baby will be delivered by Josh and his name and mine will go on the birth certificate, and the mother will never know where he or she went unless the child chooses to look her up when it’s older.

One day a few months ago I arrived home after an all day seminar that had lasted well into the night to find Josh practically a basket case. It was a Saturday and I had left him caring for the twins, a task he always welcomed when the opportunity arose. I had never seen Josh like this before. He couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t even stop shaking. I immediately went into a panic, thinking something had happened to our children. Eventually after I had dashed to their rooms and assured myself that they were sleeping peacefully Josh settled down and explained.

He had bought a new music CD on the way home from work, and as we had been trained to do as children, Josh had sat and listened to a song on that CD after the twins were in bed, fully digesting and “living” the words as it played. “It’s us!” he said as he broke down again. “It’s a song about us!” So I listened as he started the music:

She started her new life ten dollars in debt
That’s all it took to get started back then
A trip to the courthouse across the state line
No one could stop her, she’d made up her mind
He was 18, she wasn’t...

But she said she was, never thought twice
Came back home as my daddy’s wife
She just shook her head when her momma said
Are you sure he’s the one...

She was.

He took a job and farmed on the side
He made the ends meet but she kept them tied
Changes were coming to their little world
She said what would you like, a boy or a girl
He said are you......

She said she was
Never thought twice
About taking the next step in building their lives
Soon there were three
And she tried to be everything to us....

And she was.

Those precious moments turned into years
In what seemed like the blink of an eye
I held her hand as I leaned down to ask her
Momma, are you ready to say good-bye...

She said she was, but she thought twice
Holding my hand as she let go of life
Daddy always said
A woman like her would be hard to give up...

She was...

If there ever was a picture of love...

She was.

By the end of the song we were both in tears, I holding my Josh and comforting him. My Josh: strong as Gibraltar, wise as Solomon, reduced to tears over a simple country song. “I’m sorry, Christine,” he sobbed. “I can’t help it. Every time I think that some day the twins and I will lose you...”
“Josh, we’re both young!” I countered. “It’s gonna be years before either of us have to think about that. I’m not going anywhere for a long, long time.”
“Promise?”
“I promise, Josh,” I assured him. “Where would I go? I’d have to be an idiot to leave perfection.”

We didn’t have a big wedding, neither of us wanted one. We were both students when we were married: Josh was in his third year in college, I having barely graduated High school. My parents would have preferred we wait a while longer, but we’d already waited nine years and we saw no reason to wait any longer. So we had a simple ceremony with only our extended families and a few friends, but those of us who were there partied well into the night that day.

I have often thought of those two years when I was just a confused, frustrated child, and the conflict with my father. As I grew older and more mature, I realized that my father had never, after that very first day when he had gone totally ballistic when he saw me in that party dress, been anything but fully supportive of me. What I had interpreted through my child’s eyes as rejection and abuse had been nothing but his desperate attempts at making sure I wasn’t making a very large mistake. Maybe he could have done it better, but he was doing the best he could with a very difficult situation. As my mother had told me more than once, he took every incident, every shred of evidence and filed them all away for future reference. Then when he was finally convinced that my claims were not just the ravings of a desperate, depressed child, I had no stronger supporter, no more vehement ally. Unlike his father before him, my dad lived to a very old age and enjoyed not only his own children, but those of others who had adopted him as their surrogate father and literally dozens of grandchildren.

Johnny is still in the Navy and loving it. He was married to a really nice girl two years after my surgery, and they now have 3 children. Johnny is stationed on the east coast now, so we get to see him more often and that’s a source of great pride and pleasure for our father. He and Johnny have grown a lot closer than they would have been had Johnny stayed home - they both know that they’re so much alike it’s better for all concerned if they aren’t in each other’s face every day.

We never did reconcile with my grandfather. My dad tried a few times, even got to the point where he was visiting him every month or so, but Grand-dad would not even discuss his grandchildren, so the relationship was strained at best. Grand-dad died about three years ago, a very lonely and bitter old man.

Gail has her degree as well, in Computer Science. Her father never did come back, so Gail now owns his half of the computer business and she works in the store, which has made quite a name for itself around here. She still isn’t married, but there’s every sign that will be changing soon. Her boy friend is a really nice guy, a young man she met in college.

Tony got his degree in Law and joined a law firm in Atlanta. He wanted to get some experience before coming home to start his own practice, and that event could be happening any time now. We see him on average about once a month, and his homecomings are always accompanied by lots of laughter and good times. He is a born comedian, with more energy than anyone I have ever met. He was married last year, and he and his wife are expecting their first child in about six months. Evidently Dr. Cooper’s repair job on him worked as well as his work on me, although I have to admit I never did see the final result. I am one of many who can’t wait till the day he’s back home so we can see him every day.

Marcy went through college as well, getting a degree in Engineering. After that she followed her big brother Johnny’s footsteps and joined the Navy. She has her wings now and is stationed aboard an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. She wanted to go to the Middle East, but we her family are glad she didn’t. Things are getting a little too hot over there for our comfort, but knowing the grit and determination Marcy has she will go in a heartbeat if she gets the chance.

I guess I haven’t mentioned Ben since the day of Tony’s and my surgery. Well, he recovered. By the time Tony and I left the hospital he was up and walking, and in another two weeks he was ready to leave the hospital himself. In the meantime Gail and I had been doing what we had always done best: double teaming our parents. Aunt Julia ended up adopting Ben, rationalizing that she needed a man around the house, so if she couldn’t have a husband she’d just have to settle for a son. And what a son he turned out to be!

Ben is now a psychologist, specializing in terminally ill children. He realized that it was an incredible turn of circumstances that saved his life and provided him a home, but there are thousands of kids every day who don’t get that “second chance,” so he has dedicated his life to dealing with them, comforting them, being their friend in their final days. It’s doubtful that he will ever marry because he is called upon all hours of the day and night to be with a dying child, and he never refuses. It takes a very special person to do that, and Ben loves his work more than any of us.

Adam’s mom had a very sudden heart attack and died just three months before he got his degree in Business Administration. He had been working with his mother in the computer store all through school, so with his degree he was well equipped to run just about any business. He is now working for a very large food distribution company, who hired him to get them out of their troubled financial state. So far he’s been doing exactly that, which of course has made the stockholders very happy.

I would like to report that everyone lived happily ever after, but unfortunately I cannot. With all the excitement and goings-on after my little adventure with Social Services, I completely forgot about Randy for several months. I had left a note under his pillow giving him our phone number and asking him to call us. I didn’t know what we were going to do, but I was sure my dad would think of something. I don’t know if he ever got the note or not. When I remembered him and tried to contact him we were told that Randy had moved on and the Nelson’s were no longer keeping foster children. I grieved for him for a while, but as Josh told me repeatedly, I couldn’t have expected to save the whole world. I know that’s true, but it would have been nice to do something for someone who had shown me kindness when I had least expected it.

Sometimes when I’m alone at night, while the twins are asleep and Josh is out on some emergency call (incidentally, Josh is in medical practice with his father now), I get a case of “what if’s.” What if I hadn’t fallen in that cess pool? What if I hadn’t met Josh? What if I hadn’t forgot my suitcase that morning we left for the campground? What if Gail hadn’t been there? What if my mom hadn’t been so tuned in to my feelings? What if I hadn’t gone to Florida that first year? What if I hadn’t taken ballet when I was a very small boy? What if I hadn’t met Tony and Ben? What if I hadn’t had those dreams; indeed, were they dreams, or something more powerful? No one has ever been able to explain the things in those dreams I couldn’t possibly have known beforehand.

Josh and my mother are the only people in the universe who know I have these thoughts, and they are both quick to tell me that the fantastic life I’ve lived was all built on these and other seemingly unrelated incidents. Frankly I agree. I cannot imagine a life any better than the one I’ve lived and continue to live. At the same time I realize as hard as it was at times, as close as I came to giving up, my adventure has been so much easier than most people in my situation. Actually the more I reflect on my life, the more I think I need to get into the teaching profession as quickly as I can because I’m sure there are lots of kids out there just like I was, and someone has to be there for them. Maybe that’s my destiny.

To this day, whenever we hear “our song,” Josh and I have to get up and dance. If you have a lover, a wife or husband, girlfriend or boyfriend, and you don’t have a song you consider “our song,” I strongly suggest you get one - a song that has some special meaning to you. Josh and I have two:

The first is, of course, the song we’d first danced to the night we met. Neither of us knew what on earth was happening to us that night, but we both knew somehow that whatever it was, it was special and profound. That has always been “our song” since that night so long ago:

When you with upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.

For course the other one, the song that I first heard as I was lying on a gurney in the operating room waiting for the surgery that would make my dream come true. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but Josh was standing behind the throng of surgeons listening to the very same song:

Unsinkable ships sink
Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen, happen just like that
Unbendable steel bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable.
I’ve learned to never underestimate...
The impossible...

The end.