On the fifth day I was beginning to suffer from blue balls. But of course, I had to delay any sexual activities until I was completely healed. Not to mention I wouldn't even know how to get off. The tool I've used for that purpose was now floating in a jar of liquid on Leslie's desk.

I had to change my bandages a few times a day and I've observed my new look every time. It was indeed a refreshing change. Not that I didn't like my penis, but now when it is absent, the whole area is nicely smooth, with the testicles hanging free like a pair of jewels, completely unobstructed from view. The little pee hole is indeed just a small hole, adding to the overall elegance, like a birth mark. I've been looking at myself in the mirror with satisfaction. I was looking forward to the time when the scar and swelling dissipate. A few days later I didn't need bandages anymore and only used large sticking plasters. An interesting view indeed - on the place where my penis has been, there's just a simple plaster. Someone not familiar with a male anatomy would never guess anything important was occupying that very spot just a week ago; they would think I've got a paper cut.

The wound was healing nicely and quickly. I couldn't resist checking and touching the new flat area. Leslie was watching me and commented that I act like a teenage girl, who is carefully trying to masturbate for the first time.

"Need some help? We girls have to stick together," she asked on one day, when I was already well healed to play with myself. Of course I welcomed her help, since the new sensations were so unknown to me. After all, perhaps she is right and I need to masturbate more like a woman. And my urges were really beginning to overrun me.

I just put my hands behind my head and let Leslie work on me. Carefully, with a delicate touch, she run some circles around the empty place with her finger, as if she was approaching a clit. Gently she rubbed my ball sack, up to the pee hole. like she would rub the outside of a vagina. The result were some very interesting sensations - I could feel something pleasant on the inside, something I couldn't quite grasp. Leslie put her other hand on my nipple and began to make circles around it as well. It was like if I was touched by small current of electricity, so subtle, nice and decentralized, un-graspable the pleasure was. It would take a long time before I could train myself to enjoy these sensations thoroughly.

Leslie then carefully began to lick my balls. That's when my body suddenly recalled an old reflex and. Something built up in me and a second later I felt I've got an incredibly strong erection. I had to look down and of course, where my brain expected to find the familiar cylindrical organ, there was nothing obstructing my view of my smiling wife. That was the first time since our original discussion that I felt a shade of doubt. Had I still had a penis, this would probably be the beginning of an oral sex session. I had a strong urge to thrust my hips and target Leslie's mouth with my imaginary glans. Leslie noticed my slight movements and giggled.

"Not today I think." She's slipped out of her bra and panties and begun to crawl closer to my face, rubbing her tits over my thighs, scrotum, belly and chest.

"You'll need to learn to be patient... Like we have to be," she lied down on me. Again I was instinctively trying to reach for her pussy with my penis and I couldn't quite wrap my head around why can't I feel the familiar rubbing on my glans and twitching of the shaft.

Leslie wanted to make sure I wouldn't make any more futile instinctive attempts to penetrate her. I've placed myself between her legs, but she wrapped our legs together like an ivy plant. This way, our genitals would touch, but could freely rub each other in all directions. My body was confused at first as this shouldn't be possible and was still trying to convince me there should be an erect penis standing in the way. Leslie was using every inch of her body to rub on mine. She was very much enjoying being one body with with mine, without everything being concentrated around one spot. We went on for at least an hour. That was the first time I've made dickless love to my wife.

While she enjoyed it very much of course, it was much more difficult for me. My brain was hard-wired to the old ways - get in, shoot the load, get out - and that's very difficult to change. And not only I wouldn't have the patience; the worst thing was that huge phantom erection. To say it had felt as real as a real erection is an understatement. It actually felt more real. I could literally feel the blood pumping into my penis; I could feel every vein, every crinkle. My phantom penis was throbbing and wanted to be pushed down anything pussy-shaped. Even as I was touching myself or when I watched myself closely in the mirror, I couldn't quite grasp the reality of the situation. It felt so real and yet it was not there - a real paradox!

It was a horror. The phantom erection continued 24/7 and wouldn't go down. I was trying hard to get off but I could never finish it. There just wasn't enough sensations in the empty area - or, rather, the sensations were way too different and I couldn't manipulate them. Leslie kept comparing me to a teenage girl and commented that it takes years for some girls to achieve their first orgasm. Ted, who was visiting us often to see how I was doing, said it can take months to years for penectomized men to gain enough sensitivity in the place where the penis used to be. I wasn't very happy with that. Eventually and reluctantly I allowed my wife to use a vibrator on my anus to get me off, but that wouldn't work either. My body was stuck in an anorgasmic period.

You see, you can opt not to masturbate for a long time if you want. But when you have a penis, there are always those little sensations from you touching it (at least for peeing), or from rubbing against the inside of pants, or, well, just from you knowing it is there. Your penis kinda works like a lighting rod and those little sensations actually take some of the lust away. Also, when you have an erection, you can be extremely aroused but eventually the erection goes away and with it, at least a part of the arousal goes too. All this helps the man from getting crazy. Well without a penis, there are no such safety freaks (at least not until the body adjusts to the situation). The erection is constant and never goes away, not for a minute. You constantly have the urge to stick the non-existent penis into just about any hole of the appropriate size. But of course, now there is no penis, just the need which can never, ever be satisfied. The lightning rod effect is gone too. The arousal is just constantly building up with no sight of release. It does drive a guy crazy.

For days I was walking around the house, rubbing my dickless crotch against anything that got in my way. Nothing was helping and I was slowly getting mad. Finally I've got an idea I should make myself busy somehow, ideally with physical work. I was well healed at the time, so I went swimming and do some work-out. This has helped somewhat. I could disintegrate and burn at least some of those feelings. Interestingly, for once I appreciated the lack of penis when doing push-ups - nothing is hanging in the way. Also, that was the first time anyone else has seen my dickless crotch. Some of the guys in the gym and in the showers very much noticed, but noone commented and those same guys very much avoided to look at me afterward. (Years later, I've learned to love that I'm different than the rest. After all, my smooth look is cool and if for nothing else, being unique is always an advantage.)

My physical activities have partially solved my problem for a good part of the day, but not for the nights. I'd been hunted by lust and needs, and especially by thoughts of my hot wife sleeping next to me. Several times I've woken her up in the middle of the night and positioned myself on top of her naked body for the missionary position. She wouldn't argue with me; it wasn't needed. It only took a few movements before I would realize that I'm not achieving anything except rubbing my balls on her butt. No deeper contact would ever be possible. I could do little else than to crawl back to my side of the bed and remain tormented by my thoughts, which translated into dreams as well.

Around three months after my operation, my scar was very small and there was no more swelling on the place where my penis used to be. A complete opposite was true for my testicles though. There's some real tension inside and I would often feel like they're going to pop. They've grown huge, maybe three times their original size. Perhaps it's because they were constantly filling up with contents; or maybe my body was just trying to compensate and create a new 'manliness' look. Whatever the cause is, I appreciate it. I've always cared about my testicles more than about my dick and didn't feel their size is quite up to par. Now I could be really happy with the look. I've also ordered the dick plugs - small metal tubes specially crafted to allow penectomized men to pee standing. I love those things. It's like having a robo-dick.