Another Johnson Bites the Dust

“Sadie, I have heard of sympathy pains during pregnancy, but never during a hysterectomy.” Replied “Frieda.

“That’s right we haven’t seen each other since the operations, and that has been four months now. Hermie was on the table right next to me. It is something called ‘equivalency’, they cut all his stuff off too.”

“What do you mean they cut all of his stuff off?”

“You know, his little things down there, they cut them all off.”

“His penis, his testicles, they cut them off”

“They made a joke that I didn’t understand, they said Mr Johnson is loosing his Johnson, and won’t cut any more bush. I didn’t get it.”

“I’ll tell you about it later dear. They cut it off?”

“Yes, the doctors explained to him that since I couldn’t take estrogen, sex would probably not be possible, so in the name of a good marriage, he should be done while they operated on me. He fussed and fumed awhile, they told him the only excuse that he could give me for not going along was that he planned to take up with another woman. That’s when he agreed rather than have to deal with me, they put him a table next to me handed me a rope to pull, when I pulled it a little machine just cut everything off. He even has to sit to go to the bathroom now.”

“Gee that is terrific Sara, at least you won’t have to go through what I go through with Sam. I can’t take estrogen either, since my mother had cancer, and in the three years since the complete hysterectomy he has had a bunch of girl friends.”

“Frieda I am so sorry for you.”

“Well don’t be, this has been going on our entire married life, but it still hurts. I thought when Sam had the heart attack and started on all the medications the fact that he was limp as a boiled noodle would stop him, but it hasn’t.”

“He can’t do it?”

“The only way he can do it is to stretch the damn thing out and dip it in laundry starch. That doesn’t stop him; he has taken up with that Teddie from the garden club. He gets down on his hands and knees an licks her.”

“Really.”

“They tell you about the ‘Golden Years’, they don’t tell you about hysterectomy’s and being married to an old fool that is still trying to dip his wick long after the candle has burned out.”

“Well I can call the doctors office and let you make an appointment, but I don’t think you can just run Sam in like you do a tom cat at the vet’s office.”

“Oh I know, it’s just something to look forward to it is better than nothing.”

Sara called the doctors office, and said she had a referral of a friend, could the doctor please call. The call was returned a half hour late, after filling the doctor in on herself she turned the phone over to Frieda. Frieda outlined her sad tail of woe, and made an appointment for testing and counseling the following week.

It took a lot of talking, but finally Sam with the understanding that this was marriage counseling for older people was convinced to go with Frieda to the doctor’s office.

The testing started in the morning with blood and urine drawn by a young but dry looking female doctor with a nametag that read Sam. Then a short series of psychological tests, both written and some administered on a desktop computers were given to both Sam and Frieda by a second doctor. They were advised to go have a light lunch, and come back at one P.M. and the head of the medical group would go over the results of all the tests.

Sam and Frieda went to a nearby fast food place and had salads. The talk between them was strained, Sam didn’t want to be here, and Frieda was constantly hurt and hurting over Sam’s extra curricular activities.

At the appointed hour they arrived back at the medical groups office and were introduced to an older female doctor, she to had a dryness; to her appearance also. She was thin but otherwise appeared to be in good physical condition.

“Sam, Frieda how nice to meet you, please be seated and I will review your test results and give you some insights. First let me explain that I am first a surgeon, and second a psychiatrist. Counseling can only go so far; in the end it is the chemicals that count. So I ask you why should some one spend years in counseling wasting time and money when a simple surgical procedure will solve many problem that exist for individuals in your age group. My practice is limited to individuals over forty, and is dedicated to helping people such as yourself live out their lives in peace and comfort.”

“Sounds all quite nice and airy, but what is it that you do, and how much does it cost?” Asked Sam.

“We do some counseling of course, with two psychiatrists on staff, myself and William we try to get people to adjust. Sam is an endocrinologist; I want to have a complete profile of an individual’s chemistry along with the usual head shrink mumbo jumbo. Usually nullification is a permanent and easy solution for couples such as you. The cost is surprisingly low, after many years of being hard headed we have finally accepted government grants for our work, the feds are picking up 90% of the cost.”

“Well at least the cost is okay, but what exactly is nullification?’ Continued Sam.

“It takes a little explaining and some background. First women have traditionally gone through menopause; that is loose fertility, the body would stop producing chemicals and she would become less feminine. This is the natural order of things, there is no equivalent happening in males, if in good health with no artery disease a man can remain potent into his 70’s or 80’s but to what end I would ask?”

Continuing: “There has been a proliferation of chemicals; medical, agricultural and personal since the turn of the century. Some of these chemicals mimic estrogen; particularly food additives and insecticides, they bind to the same receptors in the body. Of course a women’s hormonal apparatus is not as concentrated as a man’s, being located in several parts of the body. So you have a situation today where girls are maturing faster based upon excessive stimulation of the receptors, plus the pervasive presents of sexual advertising, televisions and movies.”

“So Mr Hardin to answer your question, your wife has been nullified, she has had a complete hysterectomy. Her hormonal level has tested extremely low, as would be expected in someone that has had this procedure and is post-menopausal. You on the other hand have a full set, including way too much cholesterol, for a man with a heart condition.”

‘That still doesn’t explain nullification.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to avoid your question just giving you some background.”

“Time is money, how about getting to the damn point.”

“My, my we are a little testy today aren’t we Mr Hardin?”

“No but I have been stuck, prodded and questioned, and still don’t know what this is all about?”

“Okay, right to the point. If your wife were to have had her operation today we would invoke the ‘equivalency’ rule, if your wife is having a hysterectomy and can take hormonal replacement we do a simple castration on the husband, if she is having a hysterectomy and is at risk, as is your wife, then we completely emasculate the husband.”

“Are you nuts?”

“A poor choice of words Mr Hardin, we have lots of nuts here, all on the floor, when the procedure is done.”

“Then I will rephrase my inquiry, are you some sort of Nazi, or re incarnation of a witch like Margaret Sanger?”

“No on both counts Mr Hardin. The Nazi’s were concerned with something they called ‘racial purity’, I have no concern with that whatsoever, as the people I deal with are well beyond the breeding age, besides everyone is related so closely race, religion all of that matters little, people from the lowest stations in life can produce genius. As an example Abraham Lincoln, illegitimate and the son of a failed farmer, and George Washington Carver, born a slave and the savior of the south. As to Margaret Sanger was concerned with birth control, and racial purity, again that is not applicable, since only a fool would father children past the age of fifty. My concern is helping individuals such as yourself adjust to a realist life in the last third of the lives.”

“So you want me to give up my manhood, so I can turn into a dried up old prune like her?

Pointing to his wife.

“Sam that is so unfair and cruel of you.” Said Frieda.

“Mr Hardin, Sam, that is all part of growing old. Besides which you are not in really great shape yourself, you have heart disease, one heart attack and the medication’s you take have rendered you incapable of having or maintaining an erection. So you have all these wants and desires, and no physical capability of fulfilling them. To be blunt, you have lost all the lead for your pencil.”

“Very funny doctor, but by what convoluted logic do you think cutting me up would do me any good.”

“I have a very good statistical base, long interviews, and well over three hundred clients that have processed through that small room over there. Two hundred men, and one hundred women have been nullified, they now lead happy productive lives without the chemical surges that bother you.”

“They don’t bother me damnit.”

“Sam, I have read the tests, the interview and studied your blood work. You are and have been a sexual sociopath your entire adult life; you will jump on any woman that has been alive in the last three days. Except now you have to either eat it of feel it because you can no longer fuck it, can you Sam?”

“Now who is being cruel, tell me that Frieda

“Oh Sam, you have never been faithful to me either mentally or physically, whatever happened to ‘forsaking all others.’ That was what you promised when you married me thirty-five years ago.”

“Well a man is different?”

“Perhaps Sam, when we were pirates or Viking raiders, but there is no need for that now, except as a means of ego boosting, for people who need constant re-assurances of their worth. Since I have the floor Sam, about an hour in the room next door, and for the first time since puberty you will be content, not necessarily happy but content and at peace. That is the best we can hope for. But I warn you in advance, if you step through that door it is tacit permission for me to alter you, do you understand.”

“Yes I understand, don’t worry, you aren’t getting my permission to chop me up.”

“Actually, Sam this is all approved by the psychiatry board, not the surgical board or the OB/GYN, or any of the other lines of medicine. As such we can do the strangest things to you in the name of mental health, and no one will question us at all. Keep in mind Sam, by tradition your cock and balls belong to your wife, and you have been a bad boy and have not had her permission to use them on anyone else.”

”Your telling me you don’t need my permission, you’re a psycho!” Exclaimed Sam.

“Well with my two specialties and my new ideas many other doctors have referred to me as the Psycho Surgeon, so you are close. Point of fact all nice and legal if your wife’s says go ahead, I and my associate will declare you ‘non compos mentos’ and could in theory run you right in to the room and alter you. That is not now and has never been the case with my practice. All of the men that have been processed through my little ceremony have in the end asked for the procedure.”

“Well I might as well leave now then,” declared Sam, “you will never get me to ask to be done up like that.”

“Why not Sam, you cock is useless, it won’t get hard any more. Your balls are still pumping out testosterone though, and that is causing you and your wife a great deal distress. All we do is have a little ceremony, then remove all those parts that are offending your wife, and causing you to act like a jerk.”

“You sure do talk technical doctor.”

“I don’t want you to accuse me of obfuscation with technical terms.”

“You keep talking about ceremony, what does that mean? I want to know so I can tell the boys down at the bar.”

“I do some further modifications on your wife, they are more or less symbolic, as is the method of emasculation. The more traditional way of performing the operation on a male is costly, time consuming and requires a long period of recuperation. My method is swift, and in a weeks time you are healed with little or no side effects. In thirty days you would be asking yourself what all the fuss was about.”

“ I still don’t understand the ceremony part?”

“That is psychologically putting these items to rest, both physically and symbolically. We make some final modifications on your wife, remove her clitoris, suture her vagina closed, and remove her nipples, so physically and symbolically she is devoid of sex. On you we remove your genitalia. No shaving is needed for your procedure; we remove everything, a really close shave as it were. We first remove your nipples, since they are vestigial at best, and this to reassure your wife.”

“Reassure her of what for gods sake.”

“Actually her sexuality. She is in fact giving up sex; this shows your acceptance of her without nipples. Sam, men’s sex is concentrated, primarily in their cock and balls, woman are defused throughout the body, but if there is a comparable part it is the breasts, so you both sacrifice in that area.”

“No thanks I gave at the office.”

“Don’t be that way Sam. It is I know, very frustrating for a once virile man to accept impotence, so what I am offering you is the most intense sexual experience you could ever imagine.”

“And the last, you left that part out.”

“There is that also. Most men have an erection as they are being led to the machine that does the cutting, and the majority ejaculate when cut. It is most interesting to see the latter. The cock, the balls on the floor, and this stream of fluid coming out of the stub left behind.”

“That’s okay, just count me out.”

“What ever you say Sam. Frieda do you have any questions?”

“No I think I understand, Sam you are a selfish s.o.b., who only thinks of getting it wet. Now you can no longer cut the mustard, so you’re down to licking the jar. You’re a pathetic old fool.”

“Sam any response?” Asked the doctor.

“No you two broads are ganging up on me.”

“Don’t feel that way Sam we are both just pointing out the obvious, that it is time for you to relax and let go. According to current theory time does not pass, we only perceive it passing, and all time exists together, that is there is no past, present or future. With that in mind the time when you were a virile stud, an impotent old man, and a content eunuch all exist concomitantly.”

“You trying to confuse me.”

“No, just pointing out the obvious, get up go over and look in the room, remember don’t go through the door, and look at my little friendly machine. See, if you don’t get a tingling between your legs. It is called the ‘gallows syndrome’, when men are about to be cut they get an erection, interesting no?”

“No it isn’t, interesting I find the whole subject morbid and near psychotic.”

“Speaking of psychotic, what do you call a man of your age who constantly puts himself in mortal danger by engaging in extra marital affairs. Sex with your spouse is one thing, good slap and tickle. But the element of danger, guilt what have you, that exists in sex outside of the marriage puts you right into the second heart attack category.”

“Sex is sex.”

“Wrong Sam, are you trying to die in the saddle. That adrenalin rush you get from a stranger, is more than your old heart can take, keep it up and they are going to be carrying your corpse out of some strange house.”

“Your full of shit, you know that doc.”

“Well said Sam, well said. I am one of the few individuals in the entire country that can help you, the rare combination of a psychiatrist and surgeon that specializes in problems of the older generation. A pure psychiatrist would want to waste your money for years of counseling and therapy. I on the other hand know that few quick cuts and you and Frieda can live out your lives in contentment and peace.”

“Maybe I need strife.”

“Yes we all need a bit of stress just to let us know we are still alive, but you are in a position now where you should put away childish things. Your behavior is childish and selfish. It is time to change. Just glance into the room, but don’t enter.”

“You have really done two hundred men in there have you?”

“Yes, now it totals 211, the first of course was my ex husband.”

“You cut your husbands thing off?” Asked Frieda.

“Yes, he was like Sam here an incorrigible womanizer, but a brilliant doctor who was wasting his career. I altered him so he could concentrate solely on medicine. My second husband was done the night before my marriage to him, and we are quite happy together.”

“Men must not want to be around you much?” Said Sam.

“That part is changing too. There is a very specific set of criteria that qualifies you for my treatment. My second patient was myself.” The doctor got up undressed and showed a startled Sam and Frieda all of her changes. “No one can say to me: physician heal thyself, as I have been healed.”

“Good grief, your crazier than I thought.’ Exclaimed Sam.

“Not crazy, dedicated, and well motivated. Now Sam it is time to put aside all of this bullshit, I can’t be any plainer than that. Either walk into my room, or get out of Frieda’s life.”

“Maybe Frieda has something to say about this.” Replied Sam.

“Yes I do Sam, for thirty-five years you have chased skirts, now you can’t do anything to them if you catch them. I want this Sam.”

“Well dearie you can’t fucking have it, is that plain enough doctor, Frieda?”

“Frieda do you want to keep Sam if he continues acting in the same manner as he has been?” asked the doctor.

“No, it has been one chippy too many, this is the end, if he won’t do something about his behavior.”

“Sam you are faced with a problem, I would like to try and experiment just to prove my points.” Picking up the phone she buzzed one of her assistants. Sam (Samantha) came into the room. “Sam, would you open Mr Hardin’s trousers and clinically relieve his sexual frustration. That is masturbate him.”

Sam kind of grinned, slid a stool over opened Sam’s trousers and pulled out his flaccid member, and began to manipulate him.

“Don’t worry Frieda, this is all part of the treatment, Sam is an endocrinologist and is used to dealing with chemical problems such as your husband has.”

Sam spanked the monkey for about five minutes, with no noticeable results.

“This isn’t fair, your all watching me.” Shouted an embarrassed Sam.

“That is certainly a point to be considered. Dr. Sam can take you into the next room to be finished off, would you like that Sam?”

He nodded.

“ Dr Sam take Mr. Hardin into the next room and get him ready to be finished off.” The seated doctor turned and winked at Frieda, who was confused about what had just happened.

Once Sam the doctor and Sam the husband were in the room, she turned to Frieda and said: “Sam tacitly agreed, we will give the doctor about nine or ten minutes and then we will do the procedure. She is quite good, when we go in your Sam will be strapped down, filled with muscle paralyzer’s, a local and already to be taken to the other side.”

“That quickly?” Asked Frieda.

“Yes that quickly, why wait. We know what Sam is and what his problem is. You have been to marriage counselors before, and it has not changed him, this will I assure you will. The question is however, at this point to you care?”

“I am not sure what you mean?” Asked Frieda.

“Your husband is a horney, unrepentant old goat, you have put up with his infidelities your entire married life, perhaps you should consider a life by yourself as opposed to more suffering, even though he would be changed.”

“You mean divorce?”

“Sort of, remember that to complete the treatment would mean more alterations to you, is it worth more cutting and loss of more body parts to keep together what is apparently a failed marriage. Remember the rules, if you walk in you must be changed.”

“What would happen to my Sam?"

“Oh we would complete his processing, he is really a deserving case, then send him to the state mental hospital for 30 days of observation. If one wanted to, that would give one sufficient time to convert all assets wouldn’t you say?"

“Yes, it most certainly would, doctor I think I will be running along you take good care of Sam, give him what he deserves.” Frieda said.

“Yes I will, stop and see Dr William on the way out and sign the commitment papers, if you stop by tomorrow a copy you can take to court to be appointed your husband’s guardian will be ready.”

“You have thought of everything, how nice.” Frieda smiled.

“Have a nice day.” The doctor walked into the operating theatre. “Well Dr. Sam, do you have patient Sam already for his little procedure.”

“Yes he is all strapped in, locals etc, have an I.V. drip going since he is a heart patient, we wouldn’t want him dehydrated, and the battery’s are all charged if you have to defib him.”

“Wonderful, this isn’t going to take long, would you go out and help William with the commitment papers for Sam here, we are sending him up for observation.” Said the doctor. “Oh and lock the door on your way out.”

The young doctor left, locking the door as she did.

“Sam it is just you and I now, how you doing you old goat?”

“A lot better than you will be when I get out of here.”

“A threats it is now. Fuck you Sam.”

“What kind of talk is that from a doctor.”

“It is from the doctor that has you tied up and is about to cut your cock and balls off. Your lucky, you remind me so much of what my first husband was like, it is a temptation not to take your dick off like a piece of salami, one slice at a time. But professional ethics prevent me from doing it that way. I do have some good news for you, you can keep your nipples, since Frieda won’t be joining us, she has gone home and left you to my care.”

“Well whoopee, I get to keep my nipples. I am going to sue you into the next century.”

“That’s what you think Sam, who is going to listen to the ravings of an escapee from a loony bin, you’re going to the state mental hospital tomorrow, for observation. Thirty days there should be a nice vacation for you.”

“You can’t do that.”

”Wanna bet. You know the old saying ‘it isn’t the size of the wand, it is the magic in it.’”

“Yeah, so.”

“Well your wand has lost its magic, and now you are going to loose your wand. Hold still not I have got to catheterize you.”

“Geese that hurts.”

“Only temporarily Sam, only temporarily, the nice doctor is going to make it stop hurting in just a minute.”

“What happened to my having to ask?”

“You did, you walked in to the room. I told you three times what would happen if you did and the fourth time I asked you directly if you wanted to come and be taken care of. Now it is time to be taken care of.”

“I thought you meant have that pretty girl jerk me off some more.”

“Wrong Sam. Now you all opened up so you can pee while you are healing. The next thing is the band castrator, that acts as tourniquet so you won’t need a dressing. Then you get to meet my little girl friend, she will change you from a he to an it.”

“You’re the one that is loony.”

“Be that as it may Sam, I am the one with doctor behind her name, and you are the one tied to a table about to be emasculated. Once they are cut off they cannot be reattached so get used to the idea.” The doctor banded his scrotum and penis with one band, and then affixed a metal shield to prevent the band being cut.

“This Sam is my little girl friend, nice isn’t she?"

“It’s a little fucking Guillotine.” Sam exclaimed.

“Your win the prize Sam, one free demonstration.”

“Please doctor, don’t do this, I will beg you please do not do this.’

“Oh we are to the begging phase already, no I don’t think so, I am going to gag you, no more talk.” The doctor gagged Sam, then pulled his cock and balls through the opening of the Guillotine, and added weights to stretch him out.

“Well Sam already, I am going to hand you the rope, when you already just give it a little tug, the blade will take you manhood off nice and clean. Here is the rope, oops, sorry Sam, how clumsy of me I have pulled the rope. It was an accident pure and simple. How nice though, you came one last time, you’re dribbling down your stump. I do so hope you enjoyed it, that was the last time for you. The blade did a neat job; you’re now an official eunuch. You’ll be happy up there at the mental home.