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Advice Column Dear Grabby, I'm having a serious problem with my husband of 2 years. We are both 20 years old. He seems to not take our wedding vows seriously, and I'm a woman who takes vows seriously. On our wedding night, we exchanged a second set of vows. His best man, and my maid of honor were the witnesses. In his vows, he said, "I give you my penis; you may do anything you wish to him." Grabby, now he doesn't want to honor his vow to me. All I am asking for is that he undergo a penectomy. I have found a guy who is a qualified cutter, who has performed over 1200 penectomies in the last 5 years. He has a long waiting list, as he only does one per day, 5 days a week, but since we have a mutual friend, he offered to do my husband as a walk-in, THE SAME DAY THAT WE GO TO SEE HIM! Also the cutter is married to a guy who specializes in preserving penises and turning them into dildos, so its not like he wont be able to fuck me any more. All he will have to do is strap on his penis and he can fuck me all night. My husband's penis would make a beautiful dildo. It's 13 inches long and as big around as a beer can. What should I do, Grabby? The cutter and his husband have offered to kidnap my husband and do him, if I want, but for that, I would have to wait almost a month longer than if he willingly has the penectomy. Sign me, Betrayed. Dear Betrayed, Well, in all the years I have been giving advice, I thought I'd heard everything, but this takes-the-cake. Even if your husband had not made the vow, the simple fact is that when a couple gets married, the penis belongs to the wife. It is completely unreasonable that he doesn't want the penectomy. It is YOUR penis, not his! The fact that it can be made into a dildo, and a beautiful one at that, just further compounds his unreasonableness. Now for the advice: Inform your husband of these facts. If he still doesn't voluntarily go for the penectomy, take the gay couple's suggestion of kidnap. A month is a long time to wait, but sometimes "a woman's got to do what a woman's got to do."
Dear Grabby, I'm worried sick about my 17 year old son. See, penile cancer runs in our family. I had it. Also, my father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and older brother all died from cancer of the penis, as did numerous cousins and uncles. I survived the cancer because it was caught in the earliest stages and I had a penectomy. My younger brother survived it for the same reason. I can tell you that a penectomy is not the end of your sex life, although, we both had to turn gay and find top men to marry. It took a while to get used to, but I now get off from being fucked. I don't want my son to get the cancer, so I want him to have a penectomy and prevent it. The problem is, he doesn't want to loose his healthy 10" penis, and he says he loves fucking his boyfriend's ass. (It's okay, they're planning on getting married as soon as they graduate from High School. They're both Juniors, so its just a little over a year away.) He is the nude model for the school art class and has to pose nude 3 periods per day, every day. I talked to the teachers in the art department and they told me that they are through with the classes on erections, so it would be fine with them if he has a penectomy. In fact, they said it would open up a whole new theme for the class, "the penectomized male form," and they are pressuring me to get him done. What advice do you have for me? Signed, Worried Father. Dear Worried Father, I can see why you're worried. My sympathy on the tragic, preventable deaths of so many of your loved ones. My congratulations to you and your brother for having survived by way of penectomy. I think you know the answers to this. You must protect your son's health, Period! Take him for the penectomy today! Now for some advice that you need to know. I consulted with the head of the local bar association for some legal advice, and he told me some very important info. Since your son is engaged to be married, his fiancee needs to go with to the penectomy procedure. The fiancee must be the one to hold the knife and do the actual cutting. Also your son must be awake and must feel the pain of the penectomy. He may not be given any pain killers. DO NOT TELL YOUR SON ABOUT THIS OR HE MAY TRY TO PREVENT THE PENECTOMY! It is imperitive that he have the penectomy for his health. Also, art of the penectomized male is non-existent. Your son truly honnored to contribute to art in this way. Remember, art is a necessity of life. Life without art is not life, it is a fate worse than death! |