Matthew wasn’t about to go to Dr Mueller’s with Lukas, and anyway, the strobe was broken. In the morning, he counted out the tablets. There were only twelve left. If he kept taking three, he would have to back and see Christian before Thursday, or on Thursday, at the latest. He had no supply for Friday morning.

Lukas would be at Dr Mueller’s house today, would be in Dr Mueller’s office. Matthew could take over Lukas, and prescribe himself something from Dr Mueller’s pad, or his computer, if Dr Mueller did it that way, like his father did.

No, Matthew thought, that was stupid. Dr Mueller would be there. It wasn’t like he could stop Dr Mueller from seeing what Lukas was doing. But if Dr Mueller went out of the office…

No, it was stupid.

And anyway, the strobe was broken.

He walked to the station at St John’s Wood and caught a train into the city. He trailed down Rosemont, Johnson, and went all the way over to Thirteenth and Avenue before he found a shop that sold strobe globes, and then he realised that he ought to have brought the thing with him, or at least have taken a better look at the globe. There were about a hundred different kinds.

When he finally got home, it was after four. And he had the wrong type.

‘Fuck!’ he said, and threw it against the wall. It smashed. ‘Fuck!’

‘What are you doing, Matthew?’ His mother called out from the bottom of the stairs.

‘Nothing,’ he said, and started to pick up the pieces.

He would have to get the vacuum.

‘I broke something,’ he said to his mum. She was standing over him in the hallway, and watching him pull the vacuum out. ‘Is that a crime?’

‘This came for you.’

She was handing him a package. The package with the keys in it that Lukas had sent to him, that he had sent, to himself.

When he got upstairs again, struggling with the vacuum, and with the package tucked under his arm, his phone was ringing. It was Lukas.

‘Hey, Matty.’

‘Hey.’

‘I thought you might want to come over and do something.’

‘Yeah? Okay. What do you want to do?’

‘I don’t know. Just hang out.’

Lukas sounded pretty happy.

‘Okay,’ Matthew said. ‘Can you pay for a cab, if I catch a cab over?’

‘I’ll give you a couple of hundred, if you haven’t got any money.’

‘Yeah? Okay. Well I’ll come in a minute. I’m just cleaning something up.’

Matthew hung up and realised he had missed eight calls. They were all from Lukas. As usual, he had forgotten to take his phone with him into the city, and hadn’t looked at it since he’d got back.

By the time he got to Lukas’, it was almost five.

‘So what do you think of it?’

‘I don’t know. It looks pretty old.’

Matthew had brought the wetsuit and he was holding it up. It had been dark blue once, but it had bleached in the sun, till it was sky blue, and it was crunchy.

‘Can I cut the arms and legs off it?’

‘If you want to.’

Matthew handed it to him.

Lukas laid it on the coffee table.

Matthew sat down on the couch.

‘How are your balls feeling?’

‘Not too bad,’ Lukas said, biting his lips and staring at the wetsuit.

‘Did you tell Dr Mueller about it?’

Lukas nodded.

‘What did he say?’

‘I think he was annoyed.’

‘Annoyed?’

‘Disappointed. He didn’t think I’d really do that to myself. He said he wouldn’t have thought I could.’

‘You didn’t tell him you got me to do it, did you?’

‘No.’ Lukas stopped. ‘But he said it would have taken a lot of determination.’

‘Well it did.’ Matthew put his hands behind his head. ‘You were pretty brave.’

Lukas turned around and walked into his kitchen.

‘You hardly made a sound,’ Matthew said when he came back. Lukas had a pair of scissors in his hand. ‘I would have been screaming.’

‘You think so?’

‘You bet. There’s no way I would have sat there and let someone crush my nuts without screaming.’

Lukas had sat down in the armchair, and he nodded, staring at the carpet. When he looked up again, his eyes were wet.

‘He said they might be okay still – to a certain extent. He said they’d repair themselves to some extent.’

‘Did you show them to him?’

Lukas nodded.

‘Well you shouldn’t have done that.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Anyway, he said he’d do some tests in a few weeks. Sperm count. And testosterone levels. In a month or two, he said, I’d probably notice some improvement.’

Well that wasn’t very fair. Lukas shouldn’t have them at all. They needed to be cut out. And his cock needed to be done too.

‘I thought they were fucked.’

‘They are. Pretty much.’

‘Yeah. But not properly.’

Lukas nodded again.

‘He’s only a psychiatrist you know?’

‘He’s still a doctor.’

‘If you went to GP, he’d probably tell you they were fucked.’

‘I think Dr Mueller would know.’

Matthew knew that he would. He was being stupid. Dr Mueller would be better than most GPs, probably better than his father.

Lukas picked up the wetsuit and started to cut it. Matthew watched in dismay as Lukas put the scissors under each armpit and cut straight up. He had thought Lukas would leave sleeves, short sleeves, but he cut the arms off. And then he did the same thing to the legs. He put the scissors in the groin and cut straight across, even angling up a bit, so that he was almost cutting them like speedos. When he had finished, there was only an inch wide piece of material between the legs.

That was going to look pretty stupid.

‘Oh, I forgot,’ Matthew said. ‘I’ve got this.’

He unzipped his bag and pulled the package out of it.

‘What is it?’ Lukas said, frowning.

‘The keys, I suppose. I haven’t opened it.’ But he knew they rattled. He rattled it.

Lukas took it and turned it over in his hand.

‘Well, that’s weird,’ he said.

‘What?’

‘This isn’t my handwriting.’ He frowned. ‘It looks like yours.’

‘Mine?’

‘That’s the way you do your Us,’ Lukas said, showing him, ‘and the Ys have got that flat tail on them.’

‘How do you know what my handwriting looks like?’

‘I’ve known you all my life.’

‘Well I didn’t send it.’

‘How could you?’

‘I couldn’t.’ He stopped. ‘Don’t you remember sending it?’

‘Kind of.’

‘Well, you know, Lukas, it was a pretty strange thing to do. Most guys wouldn’t have come over and helped you out if you told them you’d done that.’

Lukas nodded, but he wasn’t really listening to Matthew. He frowned at the handwriting and then tore the package open. He looked inside it and walked into the kitchen. When he came back he had all of the padlocks, the three that were open, and the fourth one, the one that was still locked, the one that had been trapped around his balls when they were crushed.

He worked through the keys, finding the right set for each of the locks, and leaving them in there, as though he thought he was going to find, through a process of deduction, that the ones for the locked padlock weren’t there. He found them last, inserted one of the keys in the lock, and turned it. The lock clicked open. The arm popped up.

‘I bet you wish you waited till today,’ Matthew said, smiling at him widely and restraining a laugh as Lukas looked up. ‘You could have been opening that on a pair of uncrushed nuts.’

Lukas looked at him, and then stared at the padlock. He swallowed.

‘You did tell me to do it, you know.’

Lukas nodded.

‘I reckon you should cut your balls off.’

‘Cut them off?’

Matthew nodded, smiling.

‘But they might still be okay.’

‘I don’t reckon they will be.’

Lukas twisted the arm of the padlock in his hand.

‘It’d be better, like that.’

‘How would it be better?’

‘I’d like you better.’

‘Would you love me?’

Matthew turned his head away.

‘I love you, you know.’

Matthew nodded, looking at the doorway into the bedroom.

He turned back to Lukas. ‘Do you want to suck my cock?’ he said. And then he watched Lukas nod, still staring at the padlock.

Matthew could probably make him do anything.

‘Come on, then,’ he said, putting his hand out to Lukas. He pulled him up.

‘Do you have to feel my sack?’ Lukas said, while he was unbuttoning his shirt.

‘I really want to.’

Lukas nodded.

In the bed, Matthew lay on his back, while Lukas lay on top of him, face down, his thighs on either side of Matthew’s head, his bum right up in Matthew’s face. Matthew took his balls in his hand and felt gently. It was just like Dr Mueller had said. Lukas’ balls were re-coagulating. Already, Matthew could feel that there were two distinct, though very soft lumps in there. Fucked, obviously fucked, but it wasn’t all sloppy like it had been yesterday. How the fuck could that happen?

Lukas had himself propped up. He put his head down, and wrapped his lips around Matthew’s cock, put his hot mouth over it. Matthew opened his mouth and sucked a deep breath in, knowing it was the best thing he’d ever felt. He knew he was going to come at any moment. He felt Lukas’ balls harder, and felt that he could separate out some of the mass if he worked it with his fingers, but every time he put any pressure on it, and tried to work some of the lumps out into mush again, Lukas bucked and wriggled, and took his mouth off Matthew’s cock.

He let go. Lukas put his head down again, and he came into Lukas’ mouth.

‘Fuck,’ Lukas said, pulling his head up and spitting.

Matthew smiled. ‘What?’ he said.

‘You came in my mouth.’

‘What does that taste like?’

‘It’s all salty.’

‘Turn over.’

‘What?’

‘Turn over on your back and let me do it that way.’

Lukas turned over and Matthew eased his cock down into Lukas’ mouth. He held his body off Lukas, and looked up underneath it, watching his cock slide in and out of Lukas’ mouth. Lukas had his lips around it, but he had hardly taken any more than the head in his mouth when he was doing it the other way. Matthew slid his cock down, putting more and more of his weight onto Lukas, and watched his cock slide down into Lukas’ throat. Lukas started to squirm and wriggle, but Matthew put more weight on him, holding his head there between his thighs. He moved his cock up and down gently, sliding it right down into Lukas’ throat, out again, and down again, and feeling Lukas’ gag reflex as Lukas fought underneath him.

He tucked his head down and fed Lukas’ sack into his mouth. He started at the top, bit down on it, and then worked all the way down it with his teeth, separating all of the lumps out into mush, and grinding his teeth from side to side.

Lukas went crazy. He had his hands on Matthew’s hips, and he was trying to push him off him while his body writhed and squirmed and bucked. His legs were going everywhere, going crazy, and he was making it worse for himself, ripping his sack away from Matthew’s mouth, or trying to, while Matthew bit down harder.

Matthew used his tongue and sucked, and managed to get most of Lukas’ pulp between his back teeth. He chewed on it, grinding his teeth from side to side, and planted his cock right down into Lukas’ throat as he bit down as hard as he could on what was left of Lukas’ balls.

He felt his cock throbbing in Lukas’ throat, felt Lukas swallowing, and he kept chewing softly, mashing it all up so that it was as fucked as it could be.

Lukas stopped struggling. His body went limp.

And Matthew came.

He pulled his head up, his cock still planted in Lukas’ throat, pumping the last of his come into it. He looked at Lukas’ sack. It was a pretty sorry mess now, hanging loose and limp, a heavy soggy mess in a pocket of skin.

So much for Lukas’ balls.

But Lukas wasn’t moving.

Matthew pulled his cock out and got up quickly.

‘Lukas!’ he said.

Lukas looked dead.

Matthew slapped him gently on the face.

‘Lukas!’

He bent down and put his ear next to Lukas’ mouth.

Lukas wasn’t breathing.

Matthew took his pulse.

There was a pulse, but he wasn’t breathing.

Matthew hesitated, and then put his lips over Lukas’ lips. He held Lukas’ nostrils between his fingers, took a deep breath, and blew.

He felt Lukas’ chest expand with one hand, and stopped breathing.

Turned his head and heard his breath come out of Lukas’ mouth as he watched Lukas’ chest deflate.

He turned his head and sealed his lips over Lukas’ again.

Gave him another breath.

And then a third.

He opened his lips to seal them over Lukas’ for a fourth time when Lukas coughed. Coughed suddenly. Coughing a huge gob of come onto Matthew’s lips.

Matthew wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stared down at Lukas as he opened his eyes. Matthew leant over him and smoothed Lukas’ hair away from his brow.

‘Are you okay?’

Lukas nodded, coughing.

Matthew picked him up and held him. Lukas. He really did like Lukas.

‘You choked me,’ Lukas said.

Matthew nodded.