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Chapter 70
In the morning, Matthew lay with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. He knew that this was it. His first day off the tablets. There werent any more. He couldnt get any more. He went downstairs, to breakfast, and ate with Mr Sorensen. And then, after breakfast, he came upstairs again, and played the playstation for a while. By ten-thirty, he could feel the beginnings of it. It started with an itch. With an itch in his arms and his chest. He felt a little sick. And then the dizziness started. And the heat. By twelve, he was sweating. He went downstairs, for lunch, and then afterwards, when he came upstairs again, he went into Lukas bathroom and took one of the Capanols. And then, because he knew it was another addiction just waiting to happen, he flushed the rest of the Capanol down the toilet. Within half an hour, he was feeling violently ill. He didnt react well to opiates, and he knew that, but he had never felt anything like this before. He found the bucket, in Lukas kitchen, and he lay in bed for the remainder of the day, turning his head and wretching from time to time, until he had vomited everything in his stomach but bile. The day passed quickly, like a piece of light on a string. The darkness surprised him. And then it was the middle of the night. He slept fitfully, and in the morning, the bright sunlight hurt his eyes. He turned over, and felt like every bone in his body would crack. His spine felt brittle, and there was something wrong between his legs. Matthew felt so sick that he could hardly be bothered with it. He put his hands down, between his legs, to see what the matter was. There was nothing there. He jumped out of bed quickly and fell over. He got up again, and sat on the edge of the bed, bending forward, so that he could see his groin. His cock had disappeared, like a turtle, the whole length of it retreating inside him. And not only inside, but even back a little, and there was a whole lot of bunched up skin that he had to look inside so that he could see the eye of his cock. The area between his legs, his perineum, seemed swollen, but as Matthew touched it, gingerly, he realised that it was all of his cock, the whole length of it, bunched up in there, between his legs. When he had got back from the hospital, the day before yesterday, he had measured his cock again. It had come in at just over ten inches. And he had smiled when he realised how big it was. And now there was nothing. But that wasnt all. Matthews balls had retreated, way up inside his groin. They hadnt done that since he had been twelve or thirteen. Not properly. Not like this. Not retreating, and staying there. He stood up, and found them with his thumbs. There was so much pressure on them that they were hurting. He tried to move them down, with his thumbs, but it hurt even more. He straightened up, and staggered a little. And then he looked at himself in the mirror. It looked like he had no gear. Like he was so shrivelled that he was freezing. All the time he had been on the tablets, his cock had never shrivelled even a little, and now it was shrivelled up inside him. The tablets. Matthew thought of them and sat down on the bed. He put his head in his hands. If only he could get some more. He had arranged with Mr Sorensen to go to the hospital this morning, had said he would. He hadnt visited Lukas yesterday, but Lukas. Matthew frowned. Lukas was in the hospital. Matthew frowned again. Matthew had cut off Matthew shook his head, and tried to push the thought away. and crushed Lukas He stood up, and swayed. He had eaten eaten Lukas balls. He had eaten Lukas cock. Matthew felt violently ill. He vomitted, vomiting bile onto his bedroom floor. And then he staggered up the hallway to Lukas shower. He had a shower there, trying to warm himself, and looking down at his gear every now and then, trying to move his balls, and trying to get his cock to come out, but it didnt make any difference. It didnt matter how hot the shower was. It didnt move. He turned the shower to cold, and had the feeling again that his bones would break, that his spine was brittle, and would break. He turned the shower off and got out. He walked up the hallway, naked, and dripping wet, and got a towel from his own bathroom. A clean one. He would have to go and visit Lukas. Lukas. Matthew shook his head again. He sat down on the bed. What had he done? He bit his lips and stared grim-faced into the corner of the room. He remembered when he had been little, when Lukas and he had been friends, and had laughed together. And now he had gone and He had ruined Lukas life. He shook his head again, hardly daring to believe that what had happened was real, but it was real. He remembered it, remembered the blood, and how he had acted, remembering crushing Lukas nuts in the vice which had been the best thing He stopped himself. He had felt a twinge of pleasure. Something. Remembering crushing Lukas nuts. But you couldnt really do that. You couldnt really do that to a person. Still, he had done it. Matthew smiled. And then he felt awful. An awful sinking feeling which gripped him in the stomach. He put his hand on his throat, and felt his Adams apple move. Lukas had been his friend. They had been best friends as children, and then he had gone and abandoned Lukas, in high school, when the other kids had called him gay. Lukas had had a tough time of it. He had spent years at West with no friends, with no one. Always eating alone at lunchtimes, and walking alone, when Matthew saw him. And Matthew had barely said a word to him all that time. Matthew put his head in his hands and started to cry. Lukas. What had he done to him? He had fucked all his gear up. Matthew sort of half-laughed, unable to help himself. And then he felt awful all over again. Lukas would be naked. Matthew could imagine him standing, naked, with nothing between his legs, not even any hair. Just nothing. And they were going to move his piss hole between his legs. Matthew smiled a little, thinking of how it would look. He felt something stir in his groin. A little ripple of pleasure. He really would like it, Lukas looking like that. Who the fuck was he? he suddenly said to himself. Who the fuck was he to decide what he liked and what he didnt like when it was someone elses body? Still, though, it had felt good. Crushing Lukas nuts. Chewing on his mushy sack. Cutting his nuts out. Swallowing them. Cutting Lukas cock off Matthew looked at his own groin, where there was nothing. He frowned. What if that had happened to him? How would he like it, if what he had done to Lukas was done to him? Matthew gritted his teeth. He would kill the person, whoever it was, who dared to fuck with his gear. That kid in the lift yesterday. Matthew would have hit him, if he had been alone. He would have elbowed the kid in the face. Matthew frowned. He stared at his groin, and tried to peel the skin away so that he could see the eye of his cock. Was it going to stay like this? Was that how it was going to stay now, now that he had finished the tablets? Matthew didnt know. He stood up and pulled a jockstrap on, not even thinking about what he was doing. He was so used to having to crush his gear up that he didnt even think about it. He pulled the tight jeans on, again, not even thinking about it, and it was only when he was in the car, and pulled up at a set of lights, that he looked down at his groin and noticed how empty he looked, like he had nothing. Like he was Lukas. In the hospital atrium, he bought Lukas flowers. It was Lukas money, money that he had found in Lukas wallet, but it was the only money he had. And it wasnt like Lukas was going to care about it. Outside Lukas room, Matthew paused. He didnt know if he could face it. Didnt know if he could face Lukas. He took a breath and walked into the room. Lukas wasnt there. The bed was empty.
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