The only thing Matthew could remember, and which he was sure was a memory, was an airbag exploding in his face.

Every time he tried to sleep. Every time he drifted off, he was woken, suddenly, and unexpectedly, by this airbag exploding in his face. He slept, though, somehow, must have been sleeping. Once he passed the airbag, everything was black.

Matthew lay on his back, and the days went by.

He had a very big penis. It wasn’t something he expected. Everything about his body seemed familiar, but his balls, and his penis, seemed ridiculously big.

He didn’t remember them ever being like that, but then, he didn’t remember anything.

They wanted him to get up, and to try to walk with a frame. His legs had screws and bolts in them, sticking out of the plaster, and Matthew didn’t think it could be right, making him walk. Though the worst thing, and the thing that made him turn red in the face, was the hospital gown. It was always too short, or mostly, too small, and the head of his cock swung underneath it. He could feel it, swinging against his thighs, and because he was big, the hospital gown was stretched across his back, leaving a big gap, and his arse was bare.

By the time he had got to the end of the corridor, Matthew’s cock was hard, and it lifted the whole of the hospital gown up at the front, though no one said anything about it. He saw people look, the nurses, though there didn’t seem to be many patients where he was, and no visitors, when they were making him walk.

His cock was so big. It stuck out, and up so far. Matthew knew it couldn’t be normal. He knew that.

And when he was in bed, he couldn’t get it to go down. He seemed to have an erection all the time. And he got one at the drop of a hat. When he was watching television, or anything, not even thinking about it.

He asked one of the nurses, one of the male nurses, what he could do about it, and the guy brought Matthew a box of tissues. After that, Matthew spent a lot of time pulling himself, though he had to listen first, to see if there was anyone in the corridor.

It didn’t take much. He only had to pull his cock a few times, and then he blew a huge load of come. It jetted out in three large bursts, each a little smaller than the one before. And Matthew supposed he had done this lots of times, though he didn’t really remember it.

After a week or two, the kid came back. He had bandages on his wrists, and he came with his father.

Matthew had said he could come back. He had told his mother to tell him that he could. And Matthew supposed, if the kid had really been his friend, then Matthew ought to want to see him.

He tried to remember that the kid’s name was Lukas, and that he wasn’t a kid, though it didn’t seem like he could be.

The old man, who had white hair, seemed somehow familiar.

‘I think I remember you,’ Matthew said.

The guy smiled. His name was Mr Sorensen.

That was the kid’s name. Lukas Sorensen. That seemed familiar too.

‘We were playing a game,’ Matthew said.

Lukas frowned.

‘I remember that. We were playing some sort of game.’

‘Probably when you were kids,’ Mr Sorensen said.

Matthew said nothing, but he watched Lukas, as the kid turned his head down. It was like he was embarrassed. Embarrassed in front of Matthew.

‘Well I’ll leave you two alone,’ Mr Sorensen said.

Matthew smiled, and watched him leave.

There was silence.

‘I had an operation. On my head. I don’t remember anything.’

The kid nodded. ‘I didn’t get hurt,’ he said.

‘Did you slash your wrists?’

Lukas nodded.

‘I didn’t mean it, what I said to you, that I didn’t want to see you again. It’s just…I don’t remember who you are. I thought you were a kid.’

Lukas lifted his head and let it fall again, in a nod of comprehension.

‘You don’t remember anything?’ he said.

Matthew shook his head, but the kid wasn’t even looking at him.

‘I might. They said I might. After a time. It might come back.’

Lukas nodded again.

‘You were going to come to England with me. Next year.’

‘Yeah? Was it a holiday?’

The kid lifted his head. ‘I’m going to live there,’ he said.

Matthew couldn’t help it, but he was thankful. The kid was going away. It was September now, almost October, and the kid was going next year.

‘When are you going?’ he said, trying to sound like he wasn’t interested.

‘In January. Or February. I haven’t booked a ticket yet.’

Matthew nodded. ‘What are you going to do over there?’

‘I got into the Royal College,’ Lukas said, though he was watching Matthew closely.

He had to be a faggot, Matthew figured. And it was pretty obvious that he had some sort of thing about Matthew, from the way he was looking at him – and he had slit his wrists. You wouldn’t do that, not unless you were crazy about a person.

Again, Matthew figured that he was thankful that the kid was going away. He wasn’t about to be gay with him, even if he did look good, and kind of sexy, for a boy. Kind of pretty, like he was a girl.

Matthew frowned, and looked at him closely, and then it occurred to him, for the first time since he had seen Lukas, that Lukas was beautiful. Perfect – for a boy.

Matthew felt something shift in his groin, and he moved the blankets, to cover his cock.

‘They told me not to tell you, about the charges, but I figure you’ve got to know some time.’

‘Yeah? What are they?’ Matthew said.

Lukas turned his head away. ‘Don’t worry,’ he muttered.

#

When he came out of the hospital, Matthew went back to live at his parents place, in his old room. They told him he had used to live at Lukas’, that there had been a fight, that Matthew had been taking drugs, and had got violent, and had argued with his mum and dad and left. Matthew didn’t remember it, but he felt guilty about it. They seemed like such nice people, and he didn’t know why he would have ever been violent. He didn’t feel violent.

‘What was I taking?’

‘We don’t know.’

The house seemed familiar. Not like he really remembered it. But it seemed comfortable, like something he was used to. His father went to Lukas’ house, and got all of his stuff.

Matthew didn’t mind about seeing Lukas again, and he supposed he would see him. There was something about the kid’s face, about his hair, and his red lips, which made Matthew feel like – he didn’t know, and didn’t want to think about it, but it turned him on.

Three days or so after coming home, Matthew had a dream. He was in a garage, and the Lukas kid was up on a bench, in front of him. Matthew had the kid’s balls in a vice, and he was crushing them.

While he was dreaming, Matthew came. And then afterwards, when he had woken, he thought about it again, and pulled himself, though he felt guilty about it.

But he couldn’t get the idea of it out of his head.

In the morning, after breakfast, when he was sponging his body, Matthew started thinking about it again, and again he came.

He frowned.

It was a pretty weird thing to be thinking about.

Almost like it was a memory, though it couldn’t be.

Lukas came to visit. One day. Three weeks or so after Matthew had come out of the hospital, and Matthew found himself looking at the kid’s groin. He had cords on, and they were pretty loose, and Matthew couldn’t really tell, but it didn’t look like the guy had a cock or balls.

And then Matthew remembered, how in the hospital, Lukas had said he would show Matthew, how he had said he would show Matthew his groin, if Matthew wanted to see it.

Matthew wondered if the vice thing could be a memory, but it couldn’t. Things like that didn’t happen. Things like that couldn’t be real, and he knew that, because when he thought about it, the kid was coming as his nuts got crushed. There was come fountaining out of his cock, and he kept asking Matthew to keep going, while he had his arms around Matthew’s shoulders (and they were shaking). He was in pain, but he kept asking Matthew to keep going, like he had to come, and then he came, like a bubbling fountain, while his nuts got ruined.

There was no way that could be real.

The kid even made a sound of relief, of pleasure, as he came – and you wouldn’t do that, if your nuts were crushed.

Though it made Matthew smile, to think about it, and he pulled himself about it all the time.

‘Do you want to go somewhere?’

‘I can’t really move very well,’ Matthew said. ‘But the casts are coming off next week.’

The kid left, and Matthew pulled himself again, thinking about how the kid got his nuts crushed, while he imagined that it was real, and that the kid had been sitting with him, talking to him, when he knew his nuts were crushed, and that Matthew had done it.

Afterwards, Matthew felt awful.