Al Packer was approaching his birthday with a bit of trepidation, fifty-five seemed ancient to him.  The big 40 and 50 hadn’t bothered him, but this one did, he felt like he was on a well-greased slide headed towards old age and the grave.  Something else was bothering him; he had packed on a couple of pounds and was having splitting headaches.  Each morning he would get up shit, shower and shave and within twenty minutes of dressing would have a sight-impairing headache.  Aspirin and other NASD’s didn’t even dent it, finally unable to work effectively he made an appointment and went to see his doctor.

His doctor a Brit examined him carefully, making sure his blood pressure wasn’t causing the heads as a precursor to stroke city, his bp turned out to be fine.  After a through examination the doctor said:  “Al I don’t know what to tell you, these aren’t migraines, and your blood pressure is fine.  Try some codeine see if they help.”

So Al went home with a prescription and a pocket full of samples the doctor gave him.  The codeine worked fine, however they knocked Al out cold.  So back to the doctor he went.  This time the doctor gave him a referral to a neurologist.  The neurologist examined Al, poked prodded, CAT Scan, PET Scan and MRI and could find no organic cause for the headaches.

His doctor went over the results of the tests with Al.

“Doc I don’t know what to do, I get some sleep, get up, get dressed and the headaches start, my job is in jeopardy, there has to be something, where are all the wonder drugs?”

“Well it is a bloody puzzle Al, what could be causing these headaches you are experiencing.  Now this is going to be a bit drastic and I don’t normally recommend this, but if you are game we can give it a go.”  Said the doctor, who was an escapee from the Canadian Health Care System.

“Oh doctor I will try anything at this point, paint my ass blue and dance in the moonlight if you think it will help.”  Said Al desperately.

“Well it is not quite that drastic.  I will give you a referral to this female doctor but be warned she is a bit of a stick, read “The Female Eunuch” and believes it is gospel.  Real bloody feminist, Patricia Ireland, you know all that bloody nonsense the birds are spouting these days.  For all of that she is perhaps the best diagnostician in the city.  I just warn you in advance to be prepared for a lecture on man’s inhumanity to women when you see her.”

“Thank you doctor I will be as meek as a lamb.”

Al’s appointment was to take a half a day, so he took the entire day off.  He had a copy of all his recent tests; which he brought to the appointment.

The doctor, Doctor Amelia White by name did not fit the build up his doctor had given him, she was a pleasant looking woman of forty five or six years, a little on the heavy side and inordinately cheerful.  While the doctor reviewed his test results and a nurse led Al into an examination room, took his bp, weight and temperature, then she took his clothes leaving him in a skimpy hospital type gown with his ass hanging out in the breeze.  Al waited for perhaps fifteen minutes in the examination room, freezing and trying to keep his privates, private.

“Well Mr. Packer let us begin.”  Said the doctor as she entered the examining room.  She began with stethoscope to check his heart and lungs.  Then she examined visually every inch of his body, all the while asking him question after question..  After looking carefully at his toenails, she checked him for hernie’s, then had him get on all fours for a prostate examine.

‘Geese.’ Thought Al as the doctor worked her finger on his prostate, ‘she stays in there any longer we will have to get married.’  Still the doctor kept after him and the result was he got a woody.

“Oh my Mr Packer you seem to have a little problem don’t you?”  Smirked the doctor as she snapped his erection with her index finger.  “I now typical male reaction.  Now I want you to come over here and get on the table on your back and put your feet in the stirrups.”  Instructed the doctor as she placed Al in an ob/gyn chair.  “Take this it will relax you while I review my findings.”  The doctor sort of grinned as she gave Al a small glass of liquid to drink.

“Yuck!  What is that doc?” 

“Just a mild tranquilizer, the time will go by so much faster for you.”

“This position is sort of uncomfortable and I feel really vulnerable.”

“Oh poor boy, don’t be silly women are examined in this position all the time, now be a good boy and relax.” With that she left the examining room.

Al started to count the ceiling tiles, but they began to blur as the tranquilizer kicked in.  Then the nurse bustled into the room and asked him to read and sign some papers for insurance and the procedure to relieve his headache.  Al couldn’t focus his eyes so he just scratched his name wherever the nurse told him to sign.

He dozed off and was awakened by the doctor returning to the room. 

“Well, well Mr Packer, you did relax didn’t you.”

“Mmmm, guess.”  Al’s mouth was full of cotton.

“I have found your problem.”  The doctor said proudly.

“You have, great what is it?
”Your gonads.”

“My gonads are the problem, why.”

“The problem with your gonads is they are still attached to your body.  They are causing your headaches.  Now I have the permission you just granted me to remove them to alleviate your problems. So I might as well get started with your castration and penectomy since you are already in position for this minor little procedure.”  With that she began to inject his groin area with a hypo full of pain killer.

“Wait a minute now this doesn’t sound right, how could my balls be causing headaches?”

“I have eliminated every other cause and that is all that is left.  So a radical castration or if you prefer emasculation is in order, this will alleviate your headaches and you can get on with your life.”

“No I want out of here.”

“Sorry Mr. Packer, its too late, I already have pre-certification from your insurance company, and you know how hard that is to get.  Once you get used to the idea of being a eunuch, you will be quite happy.  Now say good by to your cute little package.”

At this point Al tried to get up but found he was paralyzed.

“This will be a little uncomfortable Mr Packer, but only for a moment or two.”  Grinned the doctor as she rammed a long catheter into his penis and pushed it in until he felt the ball hit his prostate.  “ As soon as I remove our penis the discomfort will stop. There all set, this won’t take long you will be back home this evening, my nurse will drive you.  Think of it this way, a man your age shouldn’t have balls anyways, what good are they when you are in the process of becoming a bothersome old fart who would you get to use them on, and with out their little friends a penis is no good, better to take the whole thing.”  Still grinning like a Cheshire Cat the doctor started to cut.

The doctor quickly went about her work, cutting out the centerline of Al’s scrotum, then pulling the chords out so far Al though his teeth would come out through his groin. She then snipped the cords, and proceeded to perform a penectomy and re routed his urethra.

She trimmed off excess skin, and closed with surgical glue.

“There you go Mr. Packer, no more balls, no more penis, no more headaches.”

“Oh god doctor I hope and pray this works.”  Cried Al.

“Well even if it doesn’t, at least there is one less pair of balls out there.

As the doctor had said the nurse drove him home to his apartment.  He took some time off from work.  On the third day the pain stopped and he began to fall back into his routine. His follow up appointment was at the ten-day point, the doctor removed his bandages and pronounced him better than new.

Al was having some withdrawal symptoms as his body let go of the last little bit of testosterone.  He decided to buy some new clothes to cheer himself up.  Stopping at a fashionable men’s store he was greeted by a clerk who must have been seventy plus years old.

“Good day sir, how may I be of service?”

“Well I want to get a complete new wardrobe, lets start with some nice shorts first I wear briefs. I’m a size 30 short.”

“Ah no, I ‘ve been doing this a long time, you are a 38 long.”

“No can’t be I have been wearing 30 short for as long as I can remember.”  Replied Al.

“Nah, you’re a 38 long, a man like you wears 30 short he will have blinding headaches.”

 frb