Christine XIV: Christopher's Return

Johnny was to arrive home Thursday afternoon, the day before the start of the labor day weekend. He had phoned to tell me he had a belated birthday present for me that he was sure I would like. He said that he had wanted to present it to me in person, which is why he hadn’t mailed it to me. I had no earthly idea what the present might be, but I knew if it came from Johnny it would be special.

Johnny had been doing very well in the Navy. He was on shore now, going to college in California. The plan was for him to get his commission as soon as he had his degree, and then go right into training as a Seal. I was so proud of him. My brother, a Navy Seal. I didn’t understand all the steps he had to go through to get to his goal, but I had no doubt that he’d get there, and in record time.

“I wanted to make this a total surprise for you,” he told me after he’d been home for a few hours, “but I can’t. The truth is, I’ve arranged to take you to a doctor who is willing to do an orchiectomy on you, but I’ve got to try and get Dad’s consent before we go.”
“Don’t bother even trying,” I answered darkly. “We’ve tried a thousand times, and he’s not gonna budge. I’m just gonna have to do it the hard way, after I’m eighteen.”
“How’s Josh feel about that?” Johnny asked.
“Josh says it makes no difference to him ‘cause he’s not gonna touch me till we’re married anyway. But he hates that I have to go through all the hair electrolysis and throat surgery when it really isn’t necessary.”
“Are you telling me that you and Josh aren’t... well, I just assumed...”
“That’s what I’m telling you, Johnny. Just ‘cause I’m a little confused with my body parts doesn’t mean I’m... well never mind. But no, we’re not.”

There was a rip-roaring fight that night in the Elliot house. This time I wasn’t listening from my vantage point at the head of the stairs, I was in on it. Johnny informed my father that I was going to lose my family jewels this weekend, with or without his permission. “You can’t do that.” my dad said smugly.
“Don’t be too sure,” Johnny said back. “Unless I’ve missed something, my birth certificate says ‘John Elliot,’ same as yours. And Christine’s says her father’s name is John Elliot. All the doctor needs is a consent form signed and notarized by John Elliot.”
“You can’t get away with that,” Dad challenged. “You’ll go to jail. Are you willing to go to jail and ruin your life to get your brother castrated? And besides, who’s gonna pay for it?”
“No, I’m not willing to go to jail to get anyone castrated. But I’m willing if you’re determined to send me, if it’ll mean I’ve helped my sister avoid a lot of painful surgery and hormone treatment she doesn’t need. As for the money, don’t worry about it. I’ve been saving. I’ll pay for it. Come on, sis, it’s time for bed. We’ve got a plane to catch early in the morning.”

“I can’t let you do it, Johnny,” I said as we climbed the stairs, me on his shoulders.
“It’s already set up,” he answered. “We’ve got an appointment in Atlanta tomorrow afternoon at three.”

I heard the rumblings and raised voices as the argument continued, but I didn’t bother going to the head of the stairs to listen. Mom had convinced Dad to allow me to go even if he didn’t sign the papers, so I was pretty sure of the outcome. There was no possible way that Dad would ever sign his consent and I knew it; but after a quick call to Dr. Reynolds he was assured that at least I wasn’t going to be cut by some butcher so he would at least not stand in our way.

Dr. Chalmers was known throughout the medical community to be sympathetic to TG’s. He had performed hundreds of orchiectomies and dozens of sex reassignment surgeries. He was known to do excellent work, though his ethics were never pure and without blemish. Dr. Reynolds had referred Johnny to him when Johnny presented his plan. My doctor had checked him out thoroughly and satisfied himself that I would receive excellent care without a lot of the legal hassles that usually accompany such procedures, especially on a child. The procedure would be done in his office which would not only reduce the cost, but also avoid a lot of inquisitive eyes and embarrassing questions.

On the long flight to Atlanta, Johnny and I did a lot of talking. I told him about the past year and how happy I’d been, and that he’d been right about Josh and me. “I don’t know exactly when I realized it,” I said, “but one day I just realized that Josh and I are in love.”
“You’re still pretty young to be in love,” Johnny observed. “I really envy you, Princess.” He had started calling me ‘Princess’ as soon as he got home on leave, and I loved it. Then I told him about the past two weeks of school and how everything had changed when I’d been assigned my new teacher. “She’s really a witch,” I hissed. In that department Johnny didn’t seem to have any more wisdom than our dad.

Johnny showed me a picture of a brand new red Corvette. “Now that I’ve been accepted to Seal school, I’ll be ordering one. It’ll be delivered in California as soon as I graduate,” he told me. He’d had to finance almost every penny, but as he said, he had nothing else to spend his money on. “And I’ve wanted a ‘Vette since I was 12,” he added. I was still into cars a little, even if I was a girl, so I appreciated his desires and I was excited for him. I knew he could have used the money he was spending on my castration toward a down payment, but I didn’t say anything.

By the time we arrived at Dr. Chalmers’ office, his patients and most of his staff, except for one trusted nurse, had left for the day. I was very nervous, but Johnny assured me that I had nothing to fear. I had put on my favorite blue and white dress, white socks with blue lace trim, and white shoes. Johnny told me I looked at least 14 except for one thing: I had no breasts at all. “That’ll soon be remedied,” he promised me. The doctor was very short and to the point. With hardly a glance, he told me to strip naked and put on the hospital gown that was on the table, then climb aboard. I did it as quickly as I could while Johnny signed some papers and paid his money.

“By the way,” Johnny said with a grin as the nurse placed my legs in the stirrups and strapped them in, “Dad signed the paper this morning. I knew he would when it came right down to the wire and he realized I was serious.” I didn’t answer.

There were a lot of HMMM’s and Ohhh’s, Oooo’s and Ahhh’s as the doctor examined me. He checked out my genitals so thoroughly I was beginning to think it was the first set of intact genitals he’d ever seen in his life. He poked at my stomach, then stuck a finger up my butt so far I thought I was feeling his elbow disappearing inside me. “Are you sexually active, young man?” he asked.
“No, sir,” I replied. “And it’s ‘young lady.’”
“Ah, yes. Sorry, I forgot. Have you ever had a sexual experience?”
“No, sir.”
“Never had an orgasm?”
“No, sir.”
“Do you know what an orgasm is?”
“Yes, sir. I’ve been studying all about the development of boys and girls so I would know what to expect.”
“Ever have a wet dream?”
“No, sir.”

After a little more examining, the doctor sat down and began writing. Then he went into the other room and we heard him on the phone. “He’s not gonna do it,” I said to Johnny, almost in tears. I could see Pinocchio crumbling and disappearing before my eyes.
“He’ll do it,” Johnny assured me. “Money talks.” We heard the door open, and the doctor was back.

“I’ve just been speaking to your Dr. Reynolds,” he told us. “Between us, we have decided that an orchiectomy would be inadvisable at this time. Christine, you have already begun the very first stages of puberty. According to the charts I received from Reynolds, your genitals have grown considerably in the past three months. There are a few hair follicles beginning in your groin, and your erections are almost instant whenever you are touched. You don’t feel them or see them because of the drugs you’re taking, but the reaction is still there. You are in an absolutely perfect position developmentally for a very successful SRS operation. I would like you to go home and discuss this with your doctor and your parents. If you can possibly raise the money, we can save you some by doing the entire procedure in one surgery. It’ll have to be in the hospital of course, but it will save you the trauma of two surgeries, and it will all be over in a week or so. If you decide to proceed, I can book an OR in the hospital as soon as you give me the go-ahead.”

“How much more will it cost?” Johnny asked.
“A lot more than a sailor makes,” the doctor replied. He sat down and did some figuring, then showed Johnny the results. Johnny gasped.
“Why don’t we just do the castration?” I pleaded. “Or better still, just cut everything off.”
“Whatever you do, don’t do that,” the doctor said. “When we do SRS, we don’t cut anything off. We re-use the tissue to form your new organs. Without your penis and scrotum, it’s almost impossible to form the new parts. That’s why I feel it’s so perfect right now. Your genitals have grown out of proportion to the rest of your body, so there’s lots of tissue to do a really great job. But if you insist, I can go ahead with the orchiectomy.”
“Not yet,” Johnny said thoughtfully. “There might be a way.”

“There’s no way, Johnny,” I protested. “Dad would have a heart attack if you showed him that kinda money. At least if I have the castration, I can delay the rest till I can raise my own money.”
“I can see where this is going,” Johnny said to me in an accusing tone. “You or Josh, or both of you, will forget about college, maybe even quit high school, to raise the money for that surgery. That’s not gonna happen, li’l sis. We’ll raise the money. Go ahead and get dressed. Thanks, doc, we’ll be calling soon.”

I didn’t say much on the flight home. In my mind Johnny had set me up. He had me naked and prepped and on the table, then he’d pulled the dream out from under me. And the doctor had said I was already in the beginning stages of puberty. Now the clock was really ticking, and I was alone.

Before we got off the plane, Johnny shared with me his idea. “I’m gonna cancel the order for the ‘Vette,” he stated. “The financing is already approved, so I’ll just use the money for the medical bills. I can’t get it right away, but within the next year or so, soon as I can show the finance company some good grades, I should be able to get it.”
“You can’t, Johnny,” I said. “You’ve wanted that car as long as I can remember. I’d always hate myself if you did that. And besides, Dr. Chalmers said that unless Dad cooperates, the only way we can do all that surgery would be if we did it in his office, and that’s just too risky.”
“We’ll find a way. But don’t worry about that ‘Vette. After all, it’s just a car. There’ll be others.”

As soon as we were home, the battle between my brother and my father got so intense that Johnny left early to go back to California. He told me not to worry, that he would raise the money somewhere. I tried to be cheerful and assure him it would be all right, but I don’t think I was very successful. And now Dad was starting to get more determined to convince me that I was going to be his son again. He said that once puberty got going in a big way, that I would look and sound ridiculous in a dress. I was already forming visions in my head, and as visions usually are, everything was exaggerated so that I did indeed look almost obscene, with brawny hairy legs, huge muscles, and a deep bass voice.

I didn’t seem to care about anything then. I had managed to rise above all the crap that Miss Banks handed me at school, but now I didn’t care. I began bringing home school work with less than my usual good grades. I had even lost interest in my studies with Professor Chambers. As Thanksgiving approached, Dad told us that Uncle Dan and Aunt Julia were taking Gail to Grand-dad’s house, but that we weren’t invited. That was the final straw. “Not to worry though,” he said. “We’ve been invited to the Reynolds’ for dinner.”

“I’m not going,” I said. “I got some things I’ve gotta do.”
“You’ll go if I say you go,” Dad said sternly. I didn’t answer. I went to my room and closed the door, as I had done so much lately. I turned on my computer and logged on, then went immediately to the web site I’d been visiting more and more lately.

“What in the world has happened to you?” Mom demanded on Thanksgiving morning. I had refused to get dressed, and it was almost time for us to leave. “Do you have any idea how much you’re hurting your father? And what about the Reynolds? They all love you so much, and now you treat them like this. If you don’t show up for dinner with us, what are they gonna think?”
“Are there any stores open today?” I asked, ignoring her questions.
“What kind of stores?” Mom asked. “What are you up to, Christine?”
“Clothing stores, Mom. I got some money saved and I need some clothes. I gotta get some underwear an’ some other things.”
“Christine, you’ve got drawers full of underwear. You’ve got more clothes than three girls your age.”

I tried to fight the tears, but they were sneaking out anyway. “Promise to take me to a store an’ I’ll go to the Reynolds for dinner. Otherwise I’m not going.”
“Of course I’ll take you to the store, honey. But I wish you’d tell me what’s so all-fired important that you have to go today.”
“It can wait till tomorrow if that’ll make it easier. But I’ve got to go this weekend. When I go back to school on Monday I’m gonna be Christopher.”

Mom put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. That was too much. I started to cry harder. “Why, honey?” she said quietly. “Is that what’s been bothering you? Do you want to be a boy again?”

I nodded.

“Are you sure?”

I nodded again. “I can’t do this any more, Mom.” I cried. “Dad hates me; I’ve been messing up the whole family. We’re not allowed to go to Grand-dad’s because of me. Dad and Johnny aren’t speaking, and he even left before his leave was over. My teacher thinks I’m a freak. The kids at school hardly talk to me at all. I just can’t do it any more, Mom!”

“You can’t NOT do it either, sweetie,” Mom said. “Dr. Reynolds warned you that this was not going to be easy. But don’t you remember how miserable you were as Christopher? You were never happy.”
“I’m not exactly jumping for joy now either,” I blubbered. “I just can’t take it any more!”

“As for Johnny,” Mom said, “things there are pretty normal there. Why do you think he joined the Navy instead of going to college?”
“I thought he wanted to,” I said.
“He did want to. But it was WHY he wanted to that you don’t know. He and your dad haven’t got along since he was twelve years old. He joined the Navy because that’s the only way he could get away from here. Your father wanted him to help in the business, but Johnny knew that wouldn’t work. They have always fought about everything. They both know that, Christine. They love each other, but they can’t live together or work together, and they know it. You didn’t drive him away, Honey.

“As for your grandfather, I think you’re being unfair to your dad there. If he wanted to go there for Thanksgiving, he would go. You should know your dad well enough for that. He told me last night that he was GLAD we weren’t invited. He said he’d rather go to the Reynolds where he knew he was welcome and that you’d be happy. You’re hurting your dad a lot more by being unhappy than by anything you’ve done or will do. Now please, Christine, give your mommy a hug and let’s get you dressed. Please? For me?”
“Will you take me to the store tomorrow?”
“Yes, Honey, if you still want to go after we’ve talked about it and you’ve had the night to think about it, I’ll take you to the store in the morning. That’s a promise.”

I guess I should have felt better then, but I didn’t. I had made my decision and I was determined to stick to it, but it wasn’t going to be easy. I had one more day to live as Christine, and then I was going to kill her forever. I would try it for a year or so, and if I couldn’t make that work for me either, I would kill Christopher too. Of course I didn’t tell Mom that part.

I was still prancing around in my underwear when I heard the back door open and someone come in. “That’ll be Gail, all ready to go,” Mom said as she pulled a pretty party dress out of my closet.
“Gail?” I echoed. “Gail’s coming with us?”
“Yes, dear, I thought you knew. Gail is coming with us today. She had a horrendous fight with her dad yesterday. She wanted to go where you go. She said it would be no fun at your Grand-dad’s without you, and her mother agreed with her.”

There was a light knock on the door, and Gail stepped in wearing one of my favorite blue dresses. I had outgrown it and given it to her two months ago. Gail always seemed to know exactly what to do and when to do it. She was absolutely beautiful. “Gail?” I said, somewhat stunned. “Man, you’re so pretty in that dress.”
“Not as pretty as its last owner,” she said. “But I think it looks pretty good, don’t you?”
“You’re gonna get a whole closet full to go with it tomorrow,” I told her. “All those pretty clothes... they’re finally gonna get to be worn on a REAL girl.”

“What’re you talking about?” she said. Then I could see the lights come on in her head. “No, Christine. NO! You can’t. Don’t even joke about that!”
“You see anyone laughing? I’ve got to, Gail.”
“No you don’t. I’ll be your sister full time. I’ll move in with you and be your sister. My dad doesn’t like me any more anyway. PLEASE don’t do it.”
“We’ll talk about it later,” Mom said. “Everyone’s all worked up and tense, and in no condition to make any decisions about anything. Let’s just drop it for now and go have a good time with friends who love us. We’ll talk later.”

We did drop it. Mom and Gail both set out to get me dressed. They paid particular attention to every little detail that I might have been inclined to ignore. When we climbed into the car, I was as perfect as a little girl could be. I was wearing the necklace and earrings Josh had given me last Christmas, my all time favorite blue party dress with sheer white tights. My hair was shining like satin, with a velvet hair band that matched my dress, and Mom even put just a hint of lipstick and blush on me. Oh well, I thought, no harm in looking my very best just one more time. Tomorrow I would be wearing briefs and jeans. UGGHHHHH!

“Actually, that’s a very good idea,” Uncle Robert said when we told him of my plan. “But I’d like to make a suggestion that will hopefully help us all decide this matter once and for all.”
“You like the idea?” Dad said with no small amount of surprise. “But I thought... I mean, you said...”
“I said that in my opinion Christine is definitely a girl. But I can’t feel what she feels. I like to think I can get close, but when all’s said and done, only she knows exactly what she feels. Maybe this will help her know for sure.”
“I already know,” I said stubbornly. “But it’s just too selfish. My grandfather says I’m a selfish, spoiled little brat. Sometimes I think my dad thinks so too. I don’t wanna be a spoiled little brat. And I don’t want to be selfish.”

“Christine,” Uncle Robert said in his best psychologist voice, “no one thinks you’re selfish. And even if you are, that’s ok. It’s your job as a child to express your feelings and tell us what you want. It’s our job as parents to understand our children and make them happy, if we possibly can. You have nothing to feel ashamed about, Christine. You can’t help the way you feel.”

“So what’s your idea?” Dad asked.
“Well, we’re all going to Florida for a week this year, right? So why don’t we leave Christine home and take Christopher? He can be a total boy for a week, without embarrassment or confusion. It wouldn’t really be fair to the other kids at school for a boy to appear one day where there used to be a girl. If you think they’re giving you a hard time now, Christine, you have no idea how tough they’ll be if you start changing your gender during school. By giving it a try while we’re away, perhaps we can all settle a few things in our minds, and in a way that we can make a more informed decision without a lot of turmoil. No one around here ever has to know.”

Everyone liked the idea, so we spent the day planning our trip. I was to be a total boy, in every way, from the time we left home until we returned a week later. Mom would buy me some new clothes, starting from the skin outward. Only those with a need to know would be informed; everyone else would just think that Christine was away for a week, just as we had planned.

Mrs. Williams had gone to work for my dad at the computer store. It turned out that she was an office manager, which in actual fact meant that she had been doing the job of a vice president for the company she’d been working for, but being paid as a secretary. So when I started traveling with the band last summer, Dad wanted more free time so he had hired her at considerably more money than she’d been making to run things when he was away. She informed us that as much as she’d like to go to Florida, she would rather see my dad go provided that we could take Adam. Dad certainly had no problem with that, so for the first time in a long while, the boys would outnumber the girls.

I went shopping with Mom the day after Thanksgiving, as she had promised. She led me directly to the boys’ briefs, but I turned them down. I wanted boxer shorts, I told her, like Josh wears. So she bought me four pair of boxers, all with different patterns on them, all very masculine. She bought me some athletic socks, two pair of really nice stylish boys’ shorts and a pair of jeans, a new bathing suit and five T-shirts. There was a new pair of sneakers and two pair of very boyish pajamas, and even a very heavy gold neck chain like the one Josh always wore. Josh had already said that he had lots of clothes he had outgrown I could wear, but Uncle Robert said I also needed some clothes of my own. I was a little afraid that Mom would want to buy items I could still wear if Christine returned, but she said no, what I wore for the week should be totally masculine.

I was taken off all medications, which resulted in my dormant little wee-wee springing to life almost instantly. By the time it was time to go, I was having erections every morning and several times throughout the day. I was so embarrassed I was already wondering about the wisdom of what we were doing. I asked Mom to cut my hair, which was probably the hardest part for me. She didn’t want to cut it all off, but I was determined. I wanted my ears showing... I wanted to feel the wind on my head. I wanted it all off. “It’s taken you over two years to grow that beautiful hair, Christopher,” she reminded me. “Boys have long hair now too, you know, especially hair as beautiful as that.”
“I don’t care,” I asserted. “I want it all off.”

“Just wait a second,” Dad said. “I think you need to think this through, son. You owe some people, and your hair is a part of it. I agree it would be better next week if your hair was short, but what if Christine comes back after the week is over?”
“She’s not comin’ back,” I said with determination.
“And what about Mr. Marks?” Dad reminded me. “Don’t you think he deserves more of an explanation than to just be presented with a short-haired boy next time he sees you? H’s invested a lot of time and money in you. I think you owe him, Chris.”

“I’ve got an idea,” Mom said after thinking about it. “It may be a little unconventional, but not totally unheard of. I can gather your hair in one large ponytail, but lower down. On boys I think they call it a rat tail, but it’s the same as a girl’s pony tail except that it’s gathered lower down on your head. That way it’s out of the way, but it’s still there. I’ll have to thin it a bit, but it will soon thicken out again if you need it long, or we can cut it all off if that’s what you decide.”

“As usual, you’ve got it covered, Susan,” Dad said. “How about it, champ?”
“A ponytail?” I said doubtfully. “I guess... if you think...”
“I’ve seen them before,” Mom said. “Frankly I don’t like them as well as full and flowing hair, but I think it’d be better than cutting off all that beautiful hair prematurely.” And so began the formidable task of thinning my very thick hair and then gathering it into a rat tail at the bottom of my skull. I really didn’t like the result, but it sure beat losing all that hair.

The morning we were to leave, Mom took all my girls’ clothes and put them away in my closet and dresser drawers. She helped me pack a more than adequate wardrobe of all my new clothes, plus several pairs of shorts and other articles donated by Josh. Then she stripped me naked and handed me a pair of white boxer shorts with green stripes. Next came the jeans - very plain Levi’s, and a dark blue T-shirt, a pair of white socks and my new sneakers. She removed all my nail polish and cut my nails in a much shorter, more masculine style.

When Josh saw me, he had a look on his face that I couldn’t describe if I live to be a hundred. It wasn’t shock, or surprise, but... well, he just looked at me differently than he’d ever done before. “You look... err... nice, Christopher,” he stammered. I didn’t know what to say to him, so I just thanked him for the compliment. Mom had already told me that all the other kids had been coached pretty thoroughly, and that there was to be no reference whatsoever to the fact that I had spent the past year and a half as a girl. It was as if Christine had never existed.

Uncle Robert had managed to find a very luxurious twelve passenger van to rent, which was more than adequate for our needs. Once again Uncle Dan had decided not to go. It seemed that more and more of the time, Uncle Dan was avoiding family type activities. Of course he was somewhat caught in the middle of the feud between my dad and their father, but that didn’t help Gail’s feelings much. She was quite depressed as we got ready to go: her father wasn’t coming and neither was her twin sister Christine.

I tried really hard to have a good time in spite of how awkward and silly I felt, and if I do say so myself I did pretty well. There were times though, like when we stopped for lunch on the drive down I-95. We all went scrambling into the restaurant like any other happy bunch of kids out of school a week early and on their way to Disney World, and I went bounding right into the Ladies’ washroom. Amanda burst out laughing and I stood there wondering what the joke was. Gail was covering her mouth trying hard not to laugh when a lady come out of a booth and said rather sternly, “Young man, I think you took a wrong turn.” At first I ignored her, thinking she was talking to someone else. And then I remembered. God, how could I have made such a mistake? “Oops!” I said stupidly. “Sorry, Ma’am.” I turned red-faced and joined Josh and Adam in the Mens’ room.

It was an honest mistake, my dad said, and no harm was done. But it certainly did some serious damage to my dignity. Everyone laughed about it until they saw that I was not amused, then Uncle Robert said sternly that the incident should be forgotten.

In the washroom wasn’t any easier. I had never been able to use those darned urinals comfortably, and my time as Christine had made it no easier. At school we had no choice: if we were caught using a toilet for anything other than serious pants-down pooping, we were in serious trouble. At least here I had a choice, so I went into a booth and closed the door, then fished out my wee-wee and peed in the toilet. It felt incredibly weird standing to do it, but I told myself I would get used to it.

We got settled into the resort in time for a good swim after dinner. Again one of my old horrors came back. I could not, simply COULD NOT show myself bare-chested. So Mom told me to wear a T-shirt with my ample boxer bathing suit, that I probably wouldn’t be the only boy dressed that way. She was right, too. There were two other boys about my age wearing T-shirts. I ached to ask them if their reasons were the same as mine, but of course I never got the courage to speak to them, never mind ask such a personal question.

When bedtime came, the three boys were assigned one king size bed. I was totally mortified. How in the world could I sleep with Josh and Adam? How would I get dressed and undressed? Why in the world had I asked Mom for boxers? If I’d had briefs I could have held my errant penis in check a little bit; but with boxers it did whatever it wanted, and what it wanted most of the time was to stand up and make a test tour of those boxers. And I found to my horror that it had grown more than I had thought. When I noticed that Adam was wearing briefs, I pulled him away from Josh’s earshot. “Adam, trade underwear with me? Please?”
“What?” he said a little too loudly.
“SHHHH! Trade underwear with me.” I repeated. “These boxers are embarrassing me. I mean, when I get a... a...”
“You mean a stiffie? I thought you didn’t get them.”
“I do now, all the time. Will you trade me, please? Just till tomorrow and I’ll get my mom to buy me some briefs. And don’t tell Josh, ok?”
“Ok,” Adam said with a shrug. “But keep the boxers. I hate ‘em.”

We didn’t lie awake very long that first night. I guess we were tired after the long drive. I slept on one side, with Adam in the middle and Josh on the other side. I think Adam sensed that I didn’t want to touch him or Josh, so he crowded Josh and left me lots of room so that it was almost like sleeping alone. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t too bad.

Monday was Disney World day. The Florida sunshine was at its best, the temperature in the low 80's by early afternoon. Like last year, I would’ve had a blast wearing a dress, pants, in my underwear, or stark naked. The Disney park had only one requirement for unbelievable fun: that you be a child somewhere between 2 and 102. I completely forgot what I was wearing or what I was trying to accomplish. We were at the gates when they opened at nine, and we didn’t leave until after the fireworks at ten that night. Then back to the resort and into bed, then the deep, contented sleep of a totally exhausted child. It was incredible.

The big poolside party was to be Tuesday night, and we all wanted to go and stay up late like we’d done last year, so we didn’t go anywhere special Tuesday . Josh wanted to go golfing with his dad so they planned to get up early. No one else was really interested, so my dad promised to take Adam and me fishing while the four girls went shopping and just rested up for the party and dance. I would have liked to go with Josh and Uncle Robert, but not so much for the golfing as just to be with Josh. I think Dad recognized that and discouraged me from even asking. “Besides,” he said, “I’ve been waiting a long time to take my boy fishing.”

I’ve gotta say we had a great time out on the lake. Dad had made some inquiries about where to go and what kind of tackle to use, what to use for bait, and so on. We rented a boat and went to one of the many lakes around Orlando, and all together the three of us caught over 100 fish, and they were all big. It was like old times - Dad and I were buddies again. We laughed and joked, made fun of each other when we caught a small fish or lost our bait - all the things that fishing buddies do together. We didn’t ignore Adam and he had a great time too, but all the same the bond between me and my dad got stronger that day than it had been for a very long time.

The party began about like we had expected. Mom had bought me a cool Hawaiian shirt which I wore over a pair of really baggy cargo shorts Josh had given me. There was certainly no girl in this dude as we all headed for the location of the party. Josh and Adam and I laughed and giggled as we stuffed ourselves with hot dogs, chicken burgers and barbeque while the girls and adults watched with some amount of disgust at our silly behavior. I was beginning to think that perhaps being a boy wasn’t all bad after all. Maybe I’d been too hasty. Perhaps I could pull off this boy thing. But then the music started, and the MC started encouraging everyone to dance. With the start of the music came the start of my memories - memories of the party we’d had last year, or rather the party Christine had had with the rest of the crew.

I wanted to dance so bad I ached inside. Finally I asked Gail to dance. In our lessons everyone was taught to both lead and follow because they told us that even though it was customary for the boy to lead, it was certainly better for the girl to lead a partner that couldn’t dance than to not dance at all. That training would come in handy tonight. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time Gail and I had danced anyway. We did ok, but it wasn’t the same.

When Josh led Amanda to the floor and they began dancing, I found myself watching their every move. Was he enjoying it as much as he had dancing with me? Was he mad at me for my decision? Would we ever dance again? “I’m tired,” Gail announced and shook me out of my reverie. “Can we sit down for a while?”
“Ok,” I said. It had never occurred to me to get tired when I danced - I guess that was one of the things that made me different: I could dance all night and still want more. But tonight my heart wasn’t really in it anyway, so I readily agreed to take a break.

I danced with my mom a few times, and with Aunt Julia and Amanda, but mostly I just sat and listened to the music. I guess Josh did much the same thing, but I really didn’t notice. When a slow number started, my mom took my hand and led me to the dance floor again. Being an interpretive dancer I instinctively listened to the words to every song whether I was dancing or not. This time, listening to those words was a big mistake.

“Can’t say we’re lovers, can’t say we’re friends.
Don’t even know if I’ll see you again.
But against your warm body, I felt so alive
You got me over a heartache tonight.

“My heart was broken, my hurt was deep.
I had lost something I wanted to keep.
I was lookin’ for comfort when you caught my eye.
You got me over a heartache tonight.

“Sweet conversation, a drink and a dance
Led to an evening of making romance.
I don’t even care if it’s wrong or it’s right
Cause you got me over a heartache tonight.

Yes, you got me over a heartache tonight
Starting of passion brought me back to life
Oh it might not last, but who knows? It just might
But you got me over a heartache tonight
Yes, you got me over a heartache tonight.”

I had tears in my eyes before the song was over. I didn’t want it ever to end because I’d have to face everyone at the table. So I told Mom I had to go to the washroom. I ran into a stall and locked the door, then I sat on the toilet and buried my face in my arms so no one could hear me crying. Why did I have to come here anyway? All I could think of was the fabulous time we’d had last year. I knew that I could never ever be like Josh. I might eventually have a girl friend, but I could never make a girl feel the way Josh made me feel. It just wasn’t in me to be a prince. I sat there alone as long as I dared without having someone come looking for me, then I did my business, got myself straightened out and joined the others.

Finally around 10:30 Mom suggested that we go back to our rooms. For once she got no argument from me. I didn’t think I was particularly depressed, but there was definitely a lack of the “spark” that usually kept me smiling at times like this.

Back in our rooms, I had a quick shower and got into my pajamas. The sky was clear - so clear we could see millions of stars. I had always loved watching the stars, so I got a bottle of coke and wandered outside. I was sitting on a lawn chair, sipping my soda and looking into the endless sky when someone pulled a lawn chair close to mine and sat down. I didn’t know who it was, but for some reason I figured it was one of my parents. When I felt someone take my hand, I knew it was Josh.

“You mad at me?” he asked.
“No, Josh,” I said without looking at him. “Whatever makes you think I’m mad at you?”
“Well, you haven’t hardly said a word to me all day. And tonight I was hoping we could dance together.”
“I’m a boy, Josh,” I answered. “Boys don’t dance together, haven’t you noticed? Everybody laughs when boys dance together.” I looked at Josh for the first time, and he had tears in his eyes. Josh, my hero, the strongest boy on the planet, was crying.

“There’s nobody here to laugh now,” he whispered. “I can still sing, if you can still dance.”
“I’d feel silly.”
“I don’t think so. I saw you crying, Christopher. I know why you were in the bathroom so long. Dance with me? Please?”

He didn’t wait for a refusal, he just took my hand and pulled me out of the chair. I didn’t resist. He put that incredibly warm, strong arm around me and started to hum that same song that had sent me flying to the privacy of a washroom stall.

Can’t say we’re lovers, can’t say we’re friends.
Don’t even know if I’ll see you again.
But against your warm body, I felt so alive
You got me over a heartache tonight.

“My heart was broken, my hurt was deep.
I had lost something I wanted to keep.
I was lookin’ for comfort when you caught my eye.
You got me over a heartache tonight.”

“I love you, Christine Elliot.” he whispered.
“Christopher,” I corrected.
“Call yourself whatever you want, and dress any way you like, you’ll still be Christine to me, the prettiest girl in the world. And if I never see Christine again, then I’ll just have to learn to love another boy, ‘cause I can’t live without you.”
“We’re just kids,” I said as Josh’s tears streaked down his face. “Mom says we’ll have dozens of ‘can’t do without’ loves before we’re through. She says you’re only 12 and I’m only nine, and we can’t possibly know for sure.”

“Do you believe that?”
“No. But if I’m gonna be a boy...”
“If you’re gonna be a boy, you’re gonna be a gay boy, and so am I.”
“Your dad says we can’t DECIDE to be gay or not, we just are.”
“Then I just AM. My dad’s pretty smart, but he doesn’t know everything. And neither does your mom.”

Without even realizing it we had stopped dancing and sat down on the lawn chaise, me positioned between Josh’s legs, his arms wrapped around me, my head nestled on his chest. “I had a long talk with my dad on the golf course today,” he told me. “If he knew I was telling you about it, he’d kill me. But I’m sorry, I can’t help it. We’re not supposed to say anything at all to you about being a girl this week, but that’s just not fair. I think you need to know what’s going on.”
“Going on?” I questioned. “What do you mean?”

Josh was quiet for a minute or two. I could tell he was thinking; probably deciding if he dared tell me what was on his mind. But I also knew Josh, and I knew that he would not keep anything from me if he knew it would help me. “Dad told me he thinks you’re pretty unhappy,” he said finally. “He said this might be the best thing that ever happened... I mean, you spending the week as Christopher with your parents here watching. He said any fool can see that you are different.”

“Mom said it’s only natural,” I answered. “She said I’ve spent so long now as Christine it’s bound to feel strange, especially with you and your family ‘cause you never knew Christopher till this week.”
“That’s true,” Josh agreed. “But I told my dad, and he agreed, that it’s more than that. I mean, you’re just plain different. It isn’t so much your looks or what you do, it’s just... well... you seem so unsure of yourself.”
“Christopher always was,” I told him. “When I was Christopher I was afraid to meet people my own age ‘cause I knew before I met them that we’d never get to be good friends. I was always more comfortable with Gail, and that didn’t help my popularity any.”
“I dunno about all that, Christopher,” he said as he fought tears again. “All I know for sure is I can’t stand to see you like this. Your smile is gone, you don’t ever sing any more, and whether you realize it or not, you were always singing. I mean, ALWAYS.”

There was so much more I wanted to say, so much more I wanted Josh to tell me, but just then our mothers called us in, saying that it was way past our bedtime. When we got to the bedroom Adam was already fast asleep, so we crawled in on either side of him. Josh dropped off to sleep almost immediately, but I couldn’t sleep. I heard voices from the other room so I strained to make out what they were saying.

“I think he’s pretty unhappy,” I heard Uncle Robert say.
“I’ve noticed that too,” my dad answered. “I fully expected him to be so relieved at being a boy again, with no explanations to give to anyone, no confusion, no one questioning him. But he’ll come around.”
“I’m not so sure,” Uncle Robert countered. “How was he in the boat today?”
“About the same. I think he enjoyed himself, but he wasn’t natural. I think we both enjoyed it, but... well, I guess the only way I can describe it is to say there was a tension there that never was before. I guess I’m beginning to realize what he’s been going through this past year.”

“I’m going to ask you both to do something,” Uncle Robert said. “I’ll be asking Christopher to do it too, but I don’t want his mind on it this week. I’ll probably ask him on the way home Saturday.”
“What is that?” Mom asked.
“Come outside,” Aunt Julia called from the patio door. “It’s so peaceful and warm.”

They all went outside then, so I didn’t hear what it was that Uncle Robert was going to ask them. Obviously it had something to do with me, but I simply wasn’t going to find out until the end of the week unless I could get it out of Mom in the morning, and I didn’t see how I could do that without letting her know I’d been listening to them. Still wondering and thinking about it, I fell asleep.

To be continued...