Shaun Smith was a eunuch and I think his friend, Kim, was one, too. For as long as I could remember, I’d hated having balls. I hated my dick, too. My mom wanted a girl instead of me, and my dad left before I was born. I’d never even met him. I was sure my mom wouldn’t care if I had my balls cut off; I’d told her before I hated having them. I didn’t think I want to be a girl; but I knew I didn’t want to be a boy. I hated starting puberty.

Kim hadn’t started puberty; that’s why I thought he was a eunuch. All the other boys in our class had started puberty. I wished I had my balls cut off before I had started it.

I caught up with Shaun in the hallway.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Tommy.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot,” he said.

“Do you really like not having balls? You weren’t just saying that?”

“Why are you asking? Do you want to be a eunuch?”

I felt my face burn. I glanced around to make sure no one else could overhear us. No one was close. I nodded.

“I always hated having balls.”

“I told Kim you would make a good eunuch,” he said, smiling.

“Is Kim one?”

“You’ll have to ask Kim that.”

He didn’t tell me Kim was one, but he didn’t say he wasn’t either. I figured that meant Kim was a eunuch. If he were not, Shaun would have just said he wasn’t. He was Kim’s best – and maybe, only – friend.

“Did you want to become a eunuch; or was it really an accident?”

“You promise not to say anything to anyone?”

I nodded: “Yeah.”

“It was no accident. I wanted to be castrated.”

“Really?”

“Really. Do you want to be castrated?”

Again, nodding, I said, “I want to get rid of my dick, too.”

“You don’t want your dick? Jeez! Do you want to be a girl or something? You would make a cute girl.”

I felt my face burn. People had even mistaken me for a girl, and I wasn’t a girl. I didn’t want to be a boy, though. At least, I didn’t want to be a boy with a dick and balls.

“I don’t think I want to be a girl; but I want to get rid of my dick and my balls. Can you help me get castrated, at least? I tried to do it myself once, but I couldn’t. It hurt too much. Did it hurt when they cut off your balls?”

“No,” he said, “the doc knocked me out; besides, my balls were already dead.”

“How did they die?”

“You won’t tell anyone, you swear?”

“I swear,” I said, “I won’t tell anyone.”

“This guy shot them up with alcohol; it killed them.”

“Like, rubbing alcohol?”

“Hell, no,” he said, “that shit will kill you, make you go blind, or something. You have to use the kind you drink. This guy used some shit called Everclear. It took a long time, but it sure killed my balls. They dried up becoming hard little lumps. When the doctor saw they were dead, he cut them out.”

“Do you think he would do mine, and do you think it would work on my dick, too?”

“You really don’t want your dick?”

Emphatically, I shook my head. “I don’t want either my balls or my dick, but I definitely want to get rid of my balls. I hate having them and what they make me do?”

“What’s that?”

I felt my face burn. I looked at the floor and mumbled:

“Jack off.”

“You don’t like jacking off?”

I shook my head.

“I hate it, but sometimes I have to do it; I can’t help myself.”

“I used to jack off four or five times a day,” he said.

“Fuck. I jack off three or four times a week. I thought that was a lot.”

“That’s nothing,” he said.

“It’s too much for me,” I said. “I try not to do it, but I can only go a couple of days without doing it. I almost made it a week once, but I thought it was going to drive me crazy. I think I jacked off twice a day for the next several days, so I didn’t try that again. Do you still jack off?”

“No. I thought I might miss it, but I don’t. I don’t even think about jacking off anymore.”

“Cool. I want to be castrated. Can you help me do it?”

He placed his hand over his mouth, apparently thinking it over.

“Maybe. I’ll have to talk it over with the guy that did mine. I don’t think the alcohol will work on your dick, though.”

“I want them cut out,” I said. “My mom won’t pay to have them cut our, even if they’re dead. She doesn’t have health insurance at her job. I got real sick once, and she didn’t take me to the doctor. Couldn’t he cut them out?”

“He could,” Shaun said, “but I don’t know whether he would. Wouldn’t your mom freak, if you came home without balls?”

“She would probably never find out. She never sees me naked, and like I said, she never takes me to the doctor.”

“What about at school? You shower with the other guys.”

“I could quit showering; Kim never does. No one knows whether he has balls or not.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Again, he didn’t say Kim had balls. I was more convinced than before that Kim didn’t.

“Will you do it? Will you help me get castrated?”

“I’ll talk to the guy or pass the word along. I can’t promise anything, but I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks, Shaun. Please see what you can do. I really don’t want my balls. I, at least, want to get rid of them.”

Kim

“Tommy wants to get castrated?”

“Yeah, he wants to be castrated.”

“Did you talk him into it?”

He had told me how he had jacked off thinking of Tommy as a eunuch, and we had talked about what a cute eunuch Tommy would be.

“I didn’t talk him into it.” He shrugged, his hands held out, palms up. “Well, I didn’t set out to talk him into becoming a eunuch; but I did tell him how cool it was to be one; and I guess I did tell him I thought he would make a good eunuch. If anything, I think he’s more like you than I was. Tommy was never meant to be a boy either. Have you ever talked to him? I mean, really talked to him?”

I shrugged.

“I don’t know. I’ve talked to him; but he and I aren’t close enough to get into the personal shit.”

“Until I got castrated, I had never really talked to him either; but he more or less approached me after I was. I think he felt comfortable talking to me, because I no longer had balls. That’s why I think he was meant to be a eunuch. He probably would have approached you, if you weren’t so fucking standoffish. I’m the only real friend you’ve had for the last couple of years. I know, now, it was all the puberty shit, but the other guys don’t know that. Tommy didn’t know that. I’d like to tell him you’re a eunuch.”

“You haven’t already told him, have you?”

“No, I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I haven’t. I keep my promises.”

I felt a twinge of guilt. I hadn’t kept my promise to Roger; I had told; but that was different. Roger, even though he had done me the favor of cutting out my balls, was no friend of mine. He had cut out my balls for the pleasure cutting them out had given him; he hadn’t done it for me.

“How about,” he continued, “I have him over, and you show him you’re castrated.

“What if he tells someone?”

“I trust him; I don’t think he will; besides, you don’t have to tell him, right then, Roger did it. You could say you had them out a long time ago, that a doctor removed them, like you told me at first. You could say you don’t want the rest of the guys to know, and I’m sure he wouldn’t tell; besides, he wants to be castrated, too.”

“Maybe, it’s just a passing whim with him, and he’ll change his mind.”

“Was it a passing whim with me?” Shaun said. “You said I was probably just going through a phase, but I went through with it. I’m a eunuch; and I love being one. Even you said you could see Tommy as a eunuch more easily than you could see me being one. Tell me you don’t think Tommy would make a great eunuch.”

I closed my eyes and pictured Tommy without balls. I nodded.

“He would make a great eunuch.”

“Well, then, can I have him over, and will you show him that you’re one?”

“OK, but what’s he going to do, tell his mom and dad he wants to be castrated?”

“He doesn’t have a dad, or at least, his dad’s not around. I don’t think he even pays child support. His mom wanted a girl; she used to dress him up in girl’s clothes.”

“Does he want to be a girl?”

“No, but he doesn’t want to be a boy, either. He wants to be a eunuch like us.”

“So, his mom’s just going to let him get castrated?”

“She probably would; at least, she won’t care that he was; but of course, she couldn’t just let it get done. Castrating a kid is against the law, even if the kid wants it done.”

“Roger castrated me while my mom watched.”

“Yeah, but you have to go around pretending you’re still a boy; besides Roger and your mom, I’m the only one that knows; although a lot of the guys suspect you’re a eunuch.”

“They do?”

“Yeah, I hear them talking. If I weren’t one, they probably wouldn’t think that, but since I don’t have balls, a lot of them are betting you don’t either. You should come out as a eunuch.”

“I wish I could; but what would I say about how I became one?”

“You could say you had a problem with your balls like I did and that a doctor cut them out.”

“What about the school? What if they ask to see proof that a doctor did it?”

“They never asked my parents to provide proof that I needed to be castrated. Medical records are private. They aren’t any of the school’s business. Of course, with me, I never hid that my balls were ruined, and pretty well everyone knew they needed to come out; but you’ve always been much more private about yourself than I have. People will understand that you didn’t tell anyone. Like I said, most of the guys already think you’ve been castrated. It’s not like it would be a big surprise to anyone. Will you show Tommy?”

I shrugged: “OK.”

“I’ll call him and have him come over.”

“Now?”

“Why not now? You’re not going to change your mind, are you?”

“No, I don’t guess,” I said, “but I’ve been hiding it for so long. The thought of telling someone feels weird.”

“I’m going to call him, OK?”

“OK.”

He called Tommy, who said he’d be right over.

While Shaun met him at the door, I was lying on the bed in Shaun’s bedroom.

“Hey, Tommy,” I said, when they came into the room.

“Hey, Kim,” he said.

“Kim wants to show you something.”

Shaun nodded in my direction. I pushed down my shorts. As usual, I wasn’t wearing underwear.

“Fuck,” said Tommy, “you don’t have balls. I didn’t think you did. Everyone bets you don’t.”

“Everyone?”

“Yeah,” he said, “none of the guys think you have balls. That’s so cool.”

“You really think it’s cool not to have balls? I asked.”

“Yeah, I’ve thought about cutting mine off a bunch of times, even before Shaun had his cut off. My mom wanted a girl, and it just never felt right for me to have a dick and balls.”

“Do you jack off?” I asked

He got red in the face.

“Yeah, but…”

“But what?”

“It’s not like I want to do it; I have to do it. If I got rid of my balls and my dick, I wouldn’t jack off; I couldn’t jack off.”

“You want to get rid of your dick, too?”

“Yeah, I don’t want anything down there.”

“You want to be a girl?”

“No, I just want to be smooth down there. I think it’s so cool you guys don’t have balls. I want to get rid of them, at least.”

“So, Shaun didn’t talk you into it?”

“No! I’ve always hated having a dick and balls; even when I was a little kid, I hated having them.”

“Told you,” said Shaun.

“Did you tell him everything?” I asked Shaun.

“I didn’t tell him everything. I didn’t say anything about how you became a eunuch or even that you were one. I did tell him that I killed my balls, but I didn’t tell him who helped me do it.”

“Do you want your balls killed?” I asked Tommy.

“I don’t want them killed, I want them cut off. I want my dick cut off, too.”

“Yeah, like you’re just going home one day without your dick and balls. Don’t you think your mom might notice?”

She wouldn’t care. She doesn’t like that I have them, anyway.”

“What about the guys at school. Don’t you think they’ll notice?”

“How long have you been castrated?” he asked me.

I shrugged: “A long time.”

“No one knows for sure you’re castrated.”

“Yeah, but I have a dick.”

“You couldn’t have proved it by me. Until today, I hadn’t seen it for months. You always dress out half into your locker. No one has seen your dick. You don’t even pee at a urinal.”

“If you get your dick off, you won’t be able to either.”

“I don’t much anyway. I like peeing sitting down. I don’t like having a dick. I don’t like jacking off. It feels wrong. I only do it because I have to.”

“You’re sure you don’t want to be a girl?”

“No,” he said, “I don’t want to be a girl. I want to be a eunuch. I’ve wanted to be one for a long time; only when Shaun became one, I knew I had to become one, too.”

“What do you know about eunuchs?” I asked.

“I know a lot about them. I’ve read all about them on the Internet. A long time ago, lots of times, when they castrated boys they cut everything off. I fantasize all the time that I’m one of those boys.”

Shit! I had thought I was the only boy that wanted to be a eunuch. I had been shocked, when Shaun had told me he wanted to be one; I had been even more shocked, when he had gone through with it. Now, here was another kid that wanted to be a eunuch. I wondered how many more there were.

“Even if your mom doesn’t care, someone is going to find out you no longer have a dick or balls. Someone will call the cops.”

“Did a doctor cut off your balls?”

I shook my head.

“I didn’t think so; otherwise you wouldn’t be hiding it. You haven’t told anyone, and no one has called the cops; at least, unless your mother has, I don’t know of anyone that has. Does your mom know you don’t have balls?”

“She knows,” I said.

“She hasn’t called the cops, has she?”

“No.”

I didn’t tell him she’d watched them get cut off. I wonder what he’d think if I told him she had an orgasm while watching my balls get cut off.

“They’re going to find out you don’t have balls,” he said.

“How?” I asked.

“I’ve heard the guys talking. One of these days they’re going to grab you and check you out. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before now.”

I looked at Shaun.

“Did you know that?”

“No one said anything to me; they know I’m your friend; but I wouldn’t be surprised to see them do it. I know they think you’re a eunuch. It’s kind of obvious, after all. You don’t even have underarm hair; they can see that, even if you never show them your crotch. It’s obvious you haven’t started puberty.”

“Yeah, even I have underarm hair,” Tommy said.

He took off his t-shirt and showed me. It wasn’t thick, but it was as black as the hair on his head. I glanced at his crotch. His dick was hard; I could see it pressing against his shorts.

“You got a hard-on, don’t you?”

His face turned red, but he nodded.

“Can I see it?”

“Why?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I just want to see it. I showed you my empty ball sac.”

“It’s kind of small,” he said.

“Do you care?” I asked. “You don’t want it, anyway.”

He shrugged and pulled down his shorts and underwear. His dick was small, as I had thought it must be. It was slender and not more than four or four and a half inches long. It stuck out, not up, and with a slight curve in it, hung way to the left. I wanted to reach out and straighten it.

It was cute, though, and I wanted to suck it, but I didn’t. Unlike Shaun – before he had his balls cut off – Tommy didn’t like jacking off. Although it might feel good to him to have his dick sucked, I figured he would feel guilty about the pleasure it gave him. I realized he was more like me than he was like Shaun. He probably was meant - possibly from birth - to be a eunuch. The only real difference was he’d been through puberty and I hadn’t. He had a small patch of pubic hair above his dick and curly black hair on his balls. He pulled up his shorts.

“It’s bigger than mine,” I said.

I still had my shorts off, but I didn’t have anything to hide. I was glad that another person knew I was a eunuch. I’d shout it from the rooftops, if I could.

I should have told Tommy we couldn’t help him become a eunuch; the risk was too great; but I couldn’t; I wanted him to become one for a couple of reasons: he obviously wanted to become one as much as I had; and I wanted there to be more of us. As much as I had tried to discourage Shaun from having his balls cut off, I was glad he was a eunuch. That he was my best friend made it all that much better. He was a good role model for eunuchs: he was popular; and he obviously enjoyed being a eunuch.

“Still,” I said, “you can’t get your balls cut off and go home like it never happened. You’re not going to feel like doing much for a couple of days. I don’t know how long it would take to recover from having your dick cut off.”

“It’s only a few weeks until school’s out,” he said. “Mom’s going to be travelling around Europe for most of the summer. I’m supposed to go to a summer camp; but I could ditch it. She’s leaving a couple days before I do. I’d have all summer to recover. Maybe I could stay with you or Shaun or something, and when I’m healed up, I could stay at home. I have my own key. You guys could stay there with me some of the time, too.”

“This guy cut off my balls; but I don’t know that he could cut off a dick. I don’t even know for sure he would cut off your balls.”

Shaun coughed out a little laugh.

“You know he would. He likes doing it; he likes castrating kids. He almost drooled when he shot up my balls. Look at Tommy: tell me he wouldn’t want to castrate him.”

I couldn’t. I knew Roger would love doing it. No matter the risk, I knew Roger would want to do it. If any boy should be castrated, it was Tommy. The only boy I knew that had needed it more than he did was me; and I was already castrated. Shaun was different. That he had wanted to be castrated, as I’ve said before, surprised me. That he is happy to be a eunuch still surprises me.

“Will you help me get castrated?” asked Tommy. “If this guy won’t cut off my dick, At least, I want to get rid of my balls.”

I nodded:

“I’ll see what I can do. I won’t promise anything, but I’ll see what I can do.”

I knew there was a risk; but what real risk was there for me? I wouldn’t cry if Roger went to jail; we might have a truce; but that didn’t mean I liked the guy. Roger was a jerk. He castrated me, not because I wanted it. He got off on it. Mom got off on my castration, too. I didn’t even know whether she loved me; if she ever told me she did, I didn’t remember it. Hell, when I was little, she used to fuck guys with me in my bed in the same room. Does that sound like something a mother would do? I didn’t want mom to go to jail; but I guessed I’d live through it, if she did.

I did want Tommy to get castrated. Hell, I wanted to see a bunch of the guys at school castrated, but I especially wanted to see Tommy castrated, and I really wanted to see what he would look like smooth.

Sometimes, I wondered how I’d look smooth, but my dick was small and my ball sac was shrunk up tight against it, most of the time. If my dick got hard, I’d probably want to get rid of it, but since it didn’t, I thought I’d keep it. I liked being able to pee standing.

That night, Roger was sitting in the living room watching TV, while Mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner. He was sitting in the recliner Mom had bought especially for him. If he was over, I wasn’t allowed to sit in it. I sat in Mom’s chair, so I could talk without being overheard by Mom in the kitchen.

“Hey, Roger.”

“What?”

I could tell he was irritated, because I had disturbed him, while he was watching TV. I seldom spoke to him, when he came over. Usually, I went to my room, staying there, except to eat supper, until he and Mom retired to her bedroom to fuck. Then, I came out to watch TV for a while.

“I know another kid that wants to be castrated.”

“Fuck! What’s with kids these days? Don’t any of you want to become men?”

“It’s not like many of us have good male role models,” I replied. I think it went over his head, though.

“What does he want, his balls shot up?”

I shook my head.

“He wants them cut off. His mom’s going away for the summer; he figures he could have it done then, and he’d be healed up by the time she came home.”

“Like she’s not going to notice her kid no longer has balls?”

“He said she wouldn’t care if she does eventually find out. She wanted a girl. He probably should have been a girl or a eunuch, at least. You’d have to see him to understand, but he’s more like me than he is like Shaun.”

“Yeah, you were never a boy.”

I shrugged. What else could I do? I had never been a boy, not really. I was born with balls, but I never wanted them.

“It’s too fucking risky.”

“You cut off my balls, and you castrated Shaun, even if you didn’t cut his balls off. You didn’t get in trouble for that. This kid wants his balls cut off; he’s not going to tell anyone you did it. We don’t even have to tell him your name, if you don’t want. You could pick us up and take us over to your house. We could blindfold him or something, so he didn’t even know where you lived. What risk would there be? You want to do it; you know you do; and once you see him, you’ll know he should be castrated.”

“Shit! All you little fuckers should be castrated.”

“You won’t get any argument for me about that,” I said. “I like being a eunuch; Shaun likes being a eunuch; I know Tommy – that’s his name – will like being one. A bunch of guys at school, even if they wouldn’t like being eunuchs, would be better off being eunuchs.”

He was quiet for a long time.

“All right, but no one says anything to anyone, not even to your mom.”

“We never told her you castrated Shaun. Like everyone else, she thinks it happened naturally.”

“She asked me if I had anything to do with it,” he said.

“That’s only because she knows you and because Shaun was over here all the time. She doesn’t know Tommy; he’s never been over here; no way will she connect him to you, if she even ever hears he’s been castrated. From what Tommy says, his mom will be glad to see him castrated. Mom’s glad I am – right? I don’t give you any shit now that I’m castrated, do I?”

“Not a lot,” he admitted.

Of course, losing my balls before puberty meant that losing them didn’t really change me physically. It was all mental with me. I knew, without balls, I wouldn’t grow up to be like Roger; that’s why I could put up with him; that’s why I stayed out of his way. He’d done me a favor; and I figured staying out of his way was the least I owed him.

“Will you do it?”

“OK. When?”

“After school’s out; after his mom leaves for Europe.”

“Like she’s just going to leave him alone here?”

“He supposed to be going away to camp, but he’s going to ditch it. He’s got a key to his house; he can stay there; and maybe he can stay over here sometime or stay at Shaun’s house.”

“I don’t want him over here,” Roger said. “I don’t want him around your mom. I don’t want her to suspect I nutted the kid.”

“OK. No sweat. He can stay at Shaun’s if he wants; but you got to get something to kill the pain. Shaun says there are places on the Net you can order Lidocaine.”

“You lived through it OK.”

“Yeah, but it hurt like hell. I don’t want him hurt.”

“You sucking his dick?”

“No, he’s not like Shaun. Even jacking off makes him feel guilty. By the way, he wants his cock cut off, too.”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah, he wants to be smooth down there. Think you can handle it?”

“I don’t know anything about cutting off cocks. There are a lot of fucking blood vessels in the cock. Balls are easy, just tie off the cords and snip them off.”

“Do you know anyone else that might do it?”

He shook his head, but then cupped his hands over his nose and mouth, rubbing his nose with his index fingers. He was thinking, considering something, I supposed. He looked over at me, looking me up and down, as if he were taking stock of me, appraising me.

“Is he a cute kid?”

I nodded: “He’s super cute. With long hair, he could pass for a girl.”

“How old is he?”

I shrugged: “He’s in my grade, so he’s about my age.”

“Has he started puberty?”

“Yeah, but he has a little dick and a little patch of pubic hair. He’s smaller than I am. I don’t think he started puberty too long ago. It hasn’t changed him like it has other boys my age. I mean, you can just look at them and know they’ve started puberty, but you’d have to look at Tommy’s crotch to know he had.”

“And he’s cute, huh?”

“Yeah, I said he was, didn’t I?”

Appraising me again, he said, “You’re not a bad looking kid, either, and Shaun’s OK.”

I opened my eyes in surprise. It was the first compliment he’d ever paid either Shaun or me.

“Tell you what…I’ll talk to some people I know: they might do it, castrate your friend and all, but they’ll want to take pictures of the operation, and they’ll want pictures of you and Shaun – naked pictures. There’s an underground market for pictures of castrated boys.”

“Who’s gonna see the pictures?” I asked.

“Nobody you know; at least, nobody that will admit to you they’ve seen them. You can go to jail for having them.”

“Do you have some?”

“Let’s just say I’ve seen some.”

Yeah, I bet he’s seen some. The hard drive on his computer is probably full of them. I wondered if he’d taken pictures of me after I’d fainted. I’d be willing to bet he had. Anyway, what would it matter if some dude I would never meet jacked off looking at a picture of me?

“I’d have to talk to Shaun and Tommy, but if they’ll do the operation on Tommy, it would probably be OK. I’m sure it would be OK with Tommy. He wants it done real bad.”

“OK, I’ll talk to my people. Let me know when he’d be ready to have it done.”

I nodded. Mom called from the kitchen that dinner was ready, and Roger and I went to the kitchen.

I talked to Shaun and Tommy. Tommy didn’t like the idea of having pictures taken of him, but if that was a requirement for getting it done, he was willing to go along with it. Shaun, the fucking extrovert he was, would be willing to have a naked picture of him put up on a billboard. He wanted a t-shirt saying, I’m a eunuch and proud of it, but his mother wouldn’t let him get one. There’s a place at the mall that will put anything you want on a t-shirt, but even if he had one made, his mother wouldn’t let him wear it.

I was over at Shaun’s house a couple of days before school was out.

“You think they would do James, too?” Shaun asked.

“James?”