You see, about a year ago, my now-ex-wife, Mary, caught my secretary, Bridgett, taking “dick-tation” from under my desk, if you know what I mean. It was just a few short days later that I was served with the divorce papers. She had used the family attorney, so I was forced to find my own. Luckily, Bridgett was friends with a hard-ass lady divorce attorney who was making a name for herself by getting guys out of bad marriages with their fortunes intact. I had quite a lot of money to protect, so I agreed to let Bridgett set up an appointment. That was where my life changed forever.

My first few meetings with Donna were standard fare; going over assets, demands, expectations, possible vulnerabilities and the like. It wasn’t until the fifth such meeting that anything out of the ordinary happened. Donna was asking me about my past indiscretions. “So, Bill, how many women have you cheated on Mary with and how many is she aware of?”

“God! Maybe twelve or so, but I doubt she even suspects more than three or four,” I replied.

“Really? All secretaries? Any professionals? Close friends of Mary’s?” Donna was suddenly all ears, but I just brushed it off as human nature to hear juicy dirt.

“Almost every secretary I’ve ever had. Heh heh, those afternoon blowjobs are practically a job requirement. I only nail pros when I hit Vegas. As for people who know her, I tend to watch my ass. Otherwise, I’ll fuck whatever willing little piece comes along.” That was true, too. Hell, I’d have tried stuffing Donna if she didn’t have ‘Ice Bitch’ stamped across her forehead. She wasn’t all that bad looking, just intimidating. I counted that as an asset seeing as how she was on my side.

“Standard All-American Pig, then, but with enough brains not to shit in your own trough. Got it.” She looked pleased at the mental image.

“That’s me. Proud to be a cunt-pumping swine!” At this point, I was starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t try to get Donna naked, since she didn’t seem at all upset about my sexual appetite. But that thought went out the window as she turned all business again like she had thrown a switch.

“Okay, Bob. It looks like, all told, you’re worth in the $50 million range. There’s no way to keep her fingers completely out of your cookie jar, but we may be able to minimize the damage if she doesn’t know too much of your past. Just how much are you willing to part with? Ten mil? Less if possible?” Whatever kinky thought had been brewing in the back of my mind suddenly flew out the window.

I was suddenly on the edge of my chair. “Ten would be great! Hell, if you can get less, I’ll let you name your price!”

“It won’t be easy, but you’ve done a fairly good job of covering your ass, hiding just enough to make it possible. I’m not guaranteeing anything, though. I’m just saying it’s possible.”

I must have been grinning ear to ear. I hadn’t heard news that good in a long time. If I would have known I could get away with that much money, I would have divorced her saggy ass years ago. “Christ! I think I love you. I’m getting turned on just thinking about it. You don’t date clients, do you? Just kidding. Just kidding. Seriously though, you’re talking about saving me $15 million, or more! God! I’d give just about anything if you could pull that off.”

She gave me a cold, amused look, sort of like a predator. Too bad for me my ex wasn’t the prey. “Yeah. Most men I know would give their left nut for that kind of money.”

“I know I would! It’d be worth it. Damn!”

“An ‘All-American Cunt-Pumping Swine’ like yourself? Yeah, right!” She was looking at me like I was some kind of joke. I never suspected that I really was, but the next few words out of my mouth proved it, at least to her.

“I’m serious! I would!”

“Okay…” For a second she looked lost in thought, then suddenly piped up, “Done! In addition to my standard fee, if I manage to get Mary to accept less than ten million in assets, not counting on-going support, I will pay for the doctor to remove your left testicle, which I get to keep. Deal?” She was on her feet, hand extended.

“What? Really?”

“Why not? Most men don’t have the balls to bet one of them, and you only really need one, right?” The way she was looking at me, I could almost hear her thinking I was a spineless little turd.

“Done!” I grabbed her hand and pumped it. Her jaw went slack for a moment, then she started smiling like crazy.

“Wow! I was just kidding, but what the Hell! Let’s do this right though.” She turned to her computer and spent a few seconds typing, grabbed some papers from the printer and handed them to me. “There you go. All legal.” She even shoved a pen at me. And there it was, in black and white. Her fee for protecting the majority of my assets was to be one testicle, payable upon finalization of the divorce. I was shocked that she had put it in writing, but I honestly felt that it would be worth it, so I signed away.

A couple weeks later, while I was at work, Donna called me about some problem involving the support agreement. Mary was asking for almost $3000 a month. I was pissed. Donna calmed me down and explained that she could bring that down a bit. “Bob, maybe I can get it as low as $2000. Let me talk to her lawyer and see what we can do.”

“That’s unacceptable. She’s trying to rob me blind! Do what you have to, but I want to see it under a grand. Got it? Hire a detective or something to get some dirt on her.” I wanted to crush the bitch. I was furious. Donna sounded hesitant, so I reassured her. “I know it’ll cost more. I’m not worried about that. I’ll swing by your office after work so we can discuss it.”

When I got to her office later that night, she was talking to some guy I had never seen before. She introduced him as a private investigator. A rather pricey one at that, from what she said. I didn’t care. The bitch was going down. “It’ll at least double my fee if we use this guy. Are you sure?” If it was going to keep Mary’s filthy hands out of my wallet I was sure. I almost ripped the paperwork out of her hand in my haste to sign it. What an idiot I was!

Over the next month or so, I got several pieces of good news. It turned out that the detective found enough dirt on her that she accepted the $1000 a month with no questions asked. All she wanted in the way of material possessions were “objects of little or no real value but of deep sentimental value” and one of the cars. Not even the nice one. And finally, she was awarded a few thousand bucks short of $10 million. I was thrilled. I never imagined my luck could be so good. That’s why I was a little shocked that next Friday when Donna showed up at my work wanting to talk.

“Well, Bob. Did I get you everything I swore to get you?” There was a mischievous glint in her eye.

“And more. Lots more. That was worth every penny.” She looked like the can who ate the canary. Maybe she was horny.

“I’m glad. When do you get off work?” I knew it! She was horny. And I was just the guy to give it to her.

“Noon. That’s the sweet thing about being the boss. I’m even taking that vacation you recommended. Want to come with?” Hopefully someplace warm and clothing optional.

“To the hospital? Of course. Especially since I’m paying for it.”

“What? Hospital? I don’t understand.”

“The rest of my fee? For keeping the damage under 10 mil…” She pointing at my crotch and I…

“Oh! Crap! I forgot. Wait, you were serious? Of course you were serious. You had me sign the deal and now you’re picking me up. I, um, yeah…” My left nut. Damn. But if I backed out now, she could sink me with all the stuff I’ve pulled that she knows about, attorney-client privilege or not. “I guess, um, sure. Let’s go. Shouldn’t take too long, should it? I mean I’ll still have time to catch a plane for the Bahamas, right?”

“The vacation was meant as a recovery period, unless you intend to swim in salt water with fresh stitches. And they kind of knock you out for this. Not something you want to be awake for, is it? And if you forgot, that means you didn’t shave either, did you?” She was looking at me like I was an idiot.

“Recovery. Right. Awake? No! Um, shave? No. I didn’t. Should I?” I was suddenly out of my element. Honestly, how often does an attractive woman walk into a man’s office and tell him he’s about to get a testicle removed.

“Hold on.” She walked into my private bathroom and came out with my clippers, shaving cream, and razor. “You’re scheduled for one, so we’ll be cutting it close. Let’s just save time. Drop ‘em!”

A few minutes later my whole jock area is bald as a bowling ball and she was sucking me off like my dick is filled with air and she was drowning. When I popped a nut, she climbed on top of me and fucked me like I couldn’t believe. I came two more times. Then Donna goes back down and starts sucking me off again. This last time takes forever but I finally go. When I do, she cups my sack and says, “There! You should be empty now. It would have been a shame to waste it.” Yes. Yes it would have…

Within minutes of getting to the hospital, I’m stripped naked, thrown on a gurney, and pumped full of something that makes me dizzy. Next thing I know, I’m waking up with a dull ache in my groin. The nurse looks over and asks if I’m okay. I nod and she says I have visitors. Am I up for them? I nod again. A few seconds later, in walks Donna.

“So, how does it feel?” There’s a big smile on her face. She sets down a small jar with something floating in it on my bedside table. Without my glasses it’s just a blur.

“Not too bad. Is that it?” I reach for my glasses.

“That’s them!” Them? Them?!? I put my glasses on. Sure enough there are two orbs, not one, in a jar marked ‘Common American Cunt-Pumping Swine’. “Pair number seventeen. Nice, huh?”

“I agreed to one. Not two, one!!!”

“No, Bob. You offered one as a part of my fee if I got her under 10 mil. You later agreed to double my fee if I hired the detective. That contract even states specifically that I get both nuts in the event I am able to pull it off. You signed it. My secretary notarized it, and it has now been fulfilled. All nice and legal like. Thank you so much.” She looked smug. Very smug.

“But, with the fucking and the sucking… I thought…”

“Some people like to deflower virgins. Me? I like to be the last lay a man will ever have. When you remove a man’s cock and balls…”

“WHAT!!! My cock too!? When did I agree to that shit!?”

“When you said that Mary could have anything from the marriage that had no ‘real value’ except sentimental. With no balls, it’s worthless, even to you. But since it was what she used to get pregnant with, she felt an deep emotional attachment to it. In fact, that was the pound of flesh that got her to agree to such a lousy settlement. Almost a pound and a half of flesh, actually. I had them take it out up at the root. It’ll look nicer when it’s all healed. Hope you don’t mind.” The smirk on her face was enough to tell me that she was dead serious. I was so shocked I just sat there flapping my jaw as she took her jar and left.

If all that wasn’t a bad enough ending to my manhood, the next few weeks polished it off nicely. After being released from the hospital, I went over to Mary’s to giver her the last few things from the divorce and she called me into the living room. I almost fainted when I saw my penis hanging above the mantle.

“Like it? I had it stuffed and mounted. I’m sure the girls will get a kick out of it when they get back from college. ‘Take him by the balls, Mom’ they kept telling me. Of course, the balls are fake, but the rest is real. A bit bigger than I remember, but that’s okay.” The plaque was engraved. It said ‘Sometimes in a divorce, you really do get the shaft. Literally!’

“You… You… My whole dick… Right there… For the world to see?”

“No, silly. Not the whole thing. Just the outside. I had the rest smoked. It’s kinda like jerky now. Want some?” She went to a jar and dug out a scrap of what appeared to be leather and offered it to me as she tore another piece apart with her teeth. I ran screaming from the house.

The next week at work, Bridgett greeted me as enthusiastically as ever. “How’d the vacation go, Bob? You look like a new man!”

“Fine, Bridge, just fine. I feel like a new man” What else was I supposed to say? I feel like less than half a man? Right!

But sure enough, right at 1:00, like she had for years, in came Bridgett for my daily BJ. “Um, don’t worry about it today, Bridge. I’m kinda busy.” I got up and moved toward the door but she locked it.

“Now Bob, you know that’s not true. I always schedule things so they don’t interfere with your oral sex time. You take lunch at noon, smoke a cigar at 12:30, and have oral sex at one. Full blown fucking on special occasions. Three and a half years we’ve done that. Let’s not screw everything up now, shall we?” She moved over and plopped down in my chair. As she threw one leg over an arm of the chair, I saw that she wasn’t wearing panties under her sundress.

“Yes, I know, but after the whole divorce thing, I figured it would be best if we just laid off for a while.”

“Poppycock! You’re a free man now, Bob. It’s time to take full advantage of it.” She started slipping out of her dress. Just a few weeks ago, I would have run across the room and stuffed her like a turkey.

“Well, yeah. The divorce left me free, but I still think we should cool it.”

“Wrong answer dipshit!!” There was a fire in her eyes as she stormed over to me. Grabbing me by the front of my shirt, she spelled it out very carefully. “I meant that you’re free from your testosterone drive piggery. See, Donna is an old friend of mine. I’ve actually seen the jars she keeps old clients’ balls in. Hell, Bob, I’ve seen yours.” Oh, God! “For three fucking years now, I’ve been forced to choke down your little swimmers. Three years, asshole! But since you can’t receive oral sex anymore, from now on, it’s payback time. Especially since I have a copy of your customer list and you don’t want all those guys knowing you’re a dickless wonder. And, who do you think looked up all the hidden finances for Donna to go over, you little shit? If you want to stay out of prison and keep what little dignity you have left, I suggest that you do some work for me now, got it, you worthless puke?”

All I could do was nod as she sat back down. I was helpless. I knelt at her feet and began my new job as her personal lap dog.

“And Bob? Since I don’t like cigars, let’s add that time to our little sessions, shall we?” I nodded as I worked. “And I’m going to order a plastic cover for this chair. I just hope it gets here before next week or there could be a few blood stains.” I groaned as she giggled. “And Bob?” I grunted a reply as my tongue found her clit. “I think I’m going to need one hell of a raise, don’t you?” I quietly began to weep as I slowly lost myself to my new life. “Or maybe I’ll just move into the mansion with you. I love your master suite and your shit should fit in one of the servant quarters, I would guess.” What little piece of a life I had left at least.

Donna’s practice is thriving. Last I heard she was up to almost forty sets, each with a different label, like ‘Womanizing Dog’ or “Red-Headed Humpin’ Pecker’. Mary started a business selling fake versions of my mounted penis as a gag gift. She has dozens of different sayings her company puts on the plaques. She also sells a line of cow penis jerky. Not as popular, but catching on in certain circles. Bridgett has taken over the day-to-day stuff at the office. She only trots me out when she needs “the boss” to do something. Otherwise, I’m her round-the-clock slave, performing tasks with my tongue that a year ago would have made me gag. And me? I am still a very rich man, but at what price? One woman has my balls, another my cock, and a third owns me body and soul. By trying to keep it all, I became nothing.