Christine X: Christine's First Kiss

Gail had already gone back to class so I’d have to wait till after school to tell her. I wanted her to be the first to know, but I had to tell Adam as soon as I could. I’m afraid I wasn’t the most attentive student in the school that afternoon, as I pictured myself with Josh in one of the many love movies Mom was always watching. We romped around all afternoon in my imagination: taking walks together through the woods, dancing... always dancing together, kissing, and... and someday getting... getting married! Miss Anthony had to speak to me several times, and when she asked the class a question my hand wasn’t always the first in the air; in fact it was hardly in the air at all.

“Can you come over tonight?” Adam said three seconds after the final bell had sounded. “We’re havin’ pizza for dinner. My mom makes killer pizza.”
“Sorry, I can’t tonight, Adam,” I said. “I’m going dancing with my boyfriend.”
“Your boyfriend?” he questioned. “You got a boyfriend? An’ you’re goin’ to a dance?” The look on Adam’s face was pure unadulterated awe!
“Uh-huh. I’m goin’ to the dance at the middle school with Josh.”
“Josh is your boyfriend?”
“Uh-huh.”

Adam didn’t say any more. I could tell he was rather upset, but he was trying to hide it. “I guess that means you won’t be coming over tomorrow?” he said wistfully.
“I was planning on it,” I answered. “Don’t you want me to?”
“Oh yeah!” he replied. “But I thought... you know, ‘cause you got a boyfriend, you’d want to spend all your time with him.”
“No,” I assured him, “Josh is playing in a basketball tournament all day tomorrow. I’d much rather spend the day with you. I was looking forward to it.”
“Cool!” he said as his face brightened. “See ya tomorrow then?”
“Uh-huh. My mom will drop me about nine.” Then after a quick Hi and Good-bye to Josh and Gail as they walked up, Adam was gone.

“What was that all about?” Gail wanted to know.
“He was kinda disappointed when I told him I had a boyfriend,” I said mischievously.
“You got a what?”
“A boyfriend,” I repeated as nonchalantly as I could. “Josh and I are going together.”
“Josh?” She looked at Josh questioningly, and his blush confirmed what I had just said.
“Yeah, Josh. Who else?”
“Well, DUHHHH!” Gail said with a grin. “You just finding that out now? Everyone else in the world has known all along that you and Josh were going together. But I thought Adam...”
“Adam? Good heavens no! He’s a really nice boy and I like him a lot, but... well, I don’t LIKE HIM like him.”
“Awesome! So that means I can have him?”
“Gail, I don’t think he’s interested in you or me or anyone else as a girlfriend. But go ahead and try. In the meantime he’s a pretty cool kid and will make a good friend.”

The dance was out of sight! Josh told me that Amanda would be going, so I called her to ask what I should wear. “I’d suggest a party dress,” she answered. “There will be girls there in slacks and maybe even jeans, but I know how much you like to dress up, and I’m gonna be wearing a new party dress Mom got me last week.”
“How about that yellow one that you gave me?” I suggested.
“Perfect! Does it fit you?”
“Sure does. I’ve been waiting for a chance to wear it. Do you mind?”
“Why should I mind? It’s yours now.”

Josh showed up in a new brown suit, and man, was he handsome! By some miracle he seemed to have grown about a foot in that suit. I felt kinda like a midget alongside him, but he thought I was the most beautiful thing on the planet. Mrs. Reynolds sure knew how to pick out clothes for her children.

Mrs. Reynolds dropped us off at the school, and Mom had said she would pick us up. The middle school was only four years old, and one of the largest schools in town. I had never been inside before, and I was totally in awe of the gorgeous facilities. The dance was in the gym, which was absolutely huge. They had set up tables along both side walls, a canteen at one end where we could buy snacks and drinks, and of course the dance floor in the middle. Amanda explained that they liked to have dances at the middle school to encourage kids to date and get comfortable with the opposite sex. “Most of the kids don’t dance,” she said, “they just stand and sit around and look stupid trying to look cool.”

“Josh! Over here!” a voice called out. It was Greg, one of Josh’s basketball buddies.
“Ok, brother, see ya later,” Amanda said as she and her date headed for their own friends. “Have fun, Christine. And you guys show ‘em how it’s done, like you did at the campground.”
“This is your girlfriend?” Greg said with a smirk when we approached the table. “Looks more like your little sister!”
“This is Christine,” Josh said as he introduced me to his friends. “And yes, Greg, she is my girlfriend. That’s official now.”
“Josh and the munchkin,” Greg said with a grin. “She outta diapers yet?”
“I’d be a little careful what I say if I were you,” Josh said calmly. “You gotta face me in that tournament tomorrow.”
“You bringin’ the munchkin along to help ya?”
“Leave ‘em be, Greg,” Todd ordered. Todd was about the biggest boy there, and the only one of about six boys besides Josh who had a date. He was apparently something of a leader in the group.

“C’mon, Christine, let’s dance,” Josh said as the music started. I was glad to get away from Greg and his hassling. I knew that he was going to be on us from here on.

This was the first dance of the school year. It was about what one might expect for a middle school first dance. There weren’t that many twelve year old’s who had come at all. Of those who did, most were girls, almost none of whom had dates. Most of the boys who were there were also dateless; they were apparently very nervous and did what young teenage boys always do when they’re nervous: they cut up, made fun of those who were dancing, those who were dressed better than they, those with dates. Of the older kids, ages 13 and up, many of them were paired off and stuck to each other like glue. Almost none of the kids there could dance very well; so Josh and I, Amanda and her date, and about six others stuck out like sore thumbs. When we were dancing, we could see the look of admiration and envy in the eyes of the kids sitting on the sidelines; when we were sitting at the table, we were the victims of constant harassment and teasing.

“Your friend Greg seems like a bit of a butthole,” I commented as we danced.
“Yeah,” Josh agreed. “He’s a good basketball player, but I think his brains are all in his jockstrap. But he knows not to mess with me. He’ll only go so far, then he knows enough to stop.”
“You wouldn’t fight him, would you Josh?”
“Nahh, I don’t fight. But there’s all sorts of things I can do to him on the court. I’m smaller than he is and a lot quicker. I can give him a cheap shot or a jab, then be all the way across the court before he knows what happened. I can trip him when he’s gettin’ ready to make a shot, hit him with the ball, all sorts of things. Then if he gets mad and starts a fight, I can lick him with one hand tied, and he gets thrown out of the game for fighting.”

I thought about what Josh had said. It was true: Josh was about the youngest boy in the sixth grade, and among the smallest. Some kids were already into puberty in a big way, as evidenced by their deeper voices, developing muscles and in some cases, almost rampant growth. Josh’s voice had given no sign yet that it would ever be anything but the beautiful clear soprano that I loved. He was growing, but slowly. He was certainly smaller than most of his classmates, but his body was well developed and muscular, he was a valued team player and he was afraid of no one. “I wish I was athletic like you,” I said as the dance ended. “You’re so... I dunno, you just aren’t afraid of anything or anyone!”
“Oh yes I am,” he said as he squeezed my hand. “I’m scared to death that I’ll wake up some morning and realize that you’re some kinda dream, that you’re not real. And you don’t have to be afraid of anything either, Christine. Anyone messes with you, they gotta deal with me! That’s my job.”

We sat out a lot of the dances. They played some slow dances, a little 50's and 60's rock and roll, and a little bit of country. We danced all of those; but there was also a lot of modern rock tunes, and neither Josh nor I liked that stuff. In our minds that wasn’t dancing at all, but just standing and shaking at each other. I guess even at eight and eleven we were a bit old-fashioned, but that’s what we had learned and we loved the precision of the older style of dance.

“May I have this dance?” Erin asked as they started a waltz. “That is if Josh doesn’t mind?”
“Ok by me,” Josh said with a smile. I had already warmed to Erin. He was one of the older boys in Josh’s group. He was 13, very good looking, and had the same basic personality as Josh: sensitive, kind, and quiet. So I blushed a little and took his hand and allowed myself to be led to the dance floor.

“Josh really likes you,” he said as we started to dance. I was surprised at how well he could dance. He had that same quiet confidence I loved so much in Josh.
“Thanks,” I replied nervously.
How old are you anyway?” he asked.
“Eight and a half,” I answered, trying to make myself seem as old as I could.
“Oh,” he said. “I guess you look about eight, but you seem so much older in some ways. I guess it’s because of all the mess you’ve been through.”
“Mess?” I questioned. “What mess?”
“You know, all that garbage with Mrs. Davis, and all the doctors and all. And I suppose there’s still lots of kids that like to tease you.”
“Oh,” I said, somewhat disappointed. “So you know all about... that.”
“Oh yeah, we all do. You’re something of a hero to any of us who went to Jefferson Elementary. Mrs. Davis was a witch! And you got rid of her.”

“Everyone knows about me?” I questioned.
“Oh, yeah! But Josh made it very clear to all of us that anyone who gives you a hard time would have to deal with him. Besides, you can’t help it if you were born with a birth defect. But still, none of us could understand it when Josh volunteered to stay behind. But now that we’ve met you...”
“Volunteered? Josh volunteered to stay at Jefferson? But I thought...”
“Yeah, he volunteered. I thought you knew. They picked out all the younger and smaller kids and asked for volunteers ‘cause there wasn’t room for all the sixth graders here. He said he was glad of the chance to stay behind so he could be with you. That meant that he couldn’t play on the basketball team here or be with all his friends. We thought he must’ve gone insane. But I understand now. Like I said, you seem so much older than eight. And you dance better’n most of the girls here!”
“You’re a good dancer too, Erin,” I said. “Where’d you learn? I mean, Josh and I belong to two dance clubs, but...”
“I take lessons. I love dancing almost as much as baseball.”
“You should join our dance club. We have a blast!”
“I would, only I don’t wanna go without a partner. Josh tells us about all the fun you and he have all the time. I’m lookin’ for a partner, and as soon as I find one, I’ll be joining.”

I wanted to take Josh outside, but it would have to wait. We weren’t allowed to go outside during the dance. Josh explained that there had been trouble in the past with drugs, some kids had tried to bring liquor and stash it outside the door, and there had even been one couple caught having sex in the bushes. So once we were all inside the doors were locked until the dance was over. So I waited for the next waltz and got him onto the floor.

“Erin told me you VOLUNTEERED to stay at Jefferson this year,” I accused.
“Yeah,” he confessed. “You weren’t supposed to know.”
“Josh, you think I’m some kinda wimp that needs a guardian? You shouldn’t have done that.”
“Actually, I did think you needed a guardian. I know now that you’re quite capable of taking care of yourself. But I didn’t know that in August.”
“But, Erin said you can’t play on the team here because you’re not really a member of the school. That’s important to you, Josh. I hate that!”
“Not as important as you are, Christine. It’s no big deal, honest! Actually I’m kinda enjoying the break. Sometimes bein’ on a team and havin’ to deal with all those schedules can be a bit of a pain. I’m enjoying my freedom more, and I don’t ever have to choose between dance club and a game... I mean, don’t worry about it, ok?”

Suddenly I wanted to kiss Josh so bad it hurt all over! He had promised me he was going to kiss me tonight, but so far he hadn’t mentioned it, had made no moves. Had he forgotten? Had he suddenly remembered what was hidden under my dress and had second thoughts? Had he decided that we were too young to be... uhh... kissing? To an eight year old, this was pretty serious stuff! I started to say something, but thought better of it. But I knew now just what a tremendous sacrifice he had made for me. Kiss or no kiss, I knew that Josh loved me far more than I had ever dreamed. And I also knew that somehow, even if I had to do it myself with an Exacto knife, I HAD to have that surgery! I HAD to be a complete girl for him.

This was not to be a long dance - after all the kids were all middle school age. I was the exception, but there were some ten and eleven year old’s, so everything shut down at 9:30. I was just as pleased - in my opinion we had more dancing and therefore more fun in the Reynolds family room. But just the same it was nice to get out and socialize, and finally to get to meet some of Josh’s friends. I learned with a great deal of admiration and no small amount of envy that Josh was well respected among his classmates and friends. He was smart and witty (well, I always knew that), but he was also a very valued athlete. There was a rather large movement getting under way to pressure the school into letting him and others still in elementary school play on the school teams. Josh said he really didn’t care one way or the other, but I still wondered.

Just as we were getting ready for the last dance, Amanda arrived at our table. Her parents had agreed to allow Bruce, her date, to bring her home after going for something to eat and drink. But Bruce was nowhere to be found. “Mind if I come home with y’all?” she said to Josh and me.
“Course not, sis,” Josh replied. “Where’s Bruce?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care! He’s a butthead!”
“What happened? Did he hurt you or something?”
“Drop it, Josh,” she said. “It’s not important.”
“Darn right it is,” he insisted. “If he hurt you...”
“He didn’t hurt me. Now drop it!”

Josh kept pushing as we gathered up our things to leave. “What, Amanda? What’d he say?”
“He said you’re gay!” she finally spat out.
“Gay?” I questioned. “What’s that? Don’t sound bad to me.”
“Forget it, Christine,” he said. “It’s not important.”
“It was important to Amanda,” I pressed. “What’s it mean when he said you’re gay?”
“Christine, I’ll tell ya later, ok?”
“Tell me now!”
“It’s just stupid. I’m not gay.”
“But what does gay mean? What’s so bad about being gay?” Of course in my mind the word meant ‘happy.’ I’d heard of it being used in less than complimentary tones, but up to now I had just ignored it.
“When a boy is gay,” Amanda said, “it means he likes other boys. It means he doesn’t have girl friends, he has boy friends. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it kinda classifies you.”

“So what’s that got to do...” I said, and then I figured it out. “Oh!” I exclaimed as the lights came on. “Because of me, right?”
“It don’t matter, Christine,” Josh said as Mom’s car came in sight.
“Yeah, Christine,” Erin agreed. “We all know you and we know you’re not a boy.”
“But... that means you’ve lost your boyfriend because of me,” I declared as the depression set in again.
“I didn’t do any such thing,” Amanda said forcefully. “Even if Josh WAS gay; even if you WERE a boy and you and Josh were going together, Bruce had no right to say what he did. It’s none of his business.”
“I’m sorry, Amanda,” I said as I felt myself starting to cry. “I’ve ruined everything! Again!”
“You haven’t ruined anything,” she and Josh said together. “You can’t help the way you were born, and none of us can help the fact that there are buttheads like Bruce in the world. Forget it.”

Of course I couldn’t forget it. Mom tried her level best to make conversation as we drove the few blocks to the Reynolds house, but we were not cooperating. We were all deep in our own thoughts. Josh and I were sitting in the back seat, his hand holding mine so tightly it was starting to ache. But there was no way I was going to tell him that. When we arrived, Mrs. Reynolds appeared at the front door. As Amanda was getting out, her mom called something to her. “Mom wants you to come in for coffee,” she said as she stuck her head back in. “She says she’s got it all made.”
“Well, just for a few minutes,” Mom said as she shut the motor off.
“We’ll stay here,” Josh said as he closed the back door again.

“Christine,” he said when we were alone, “please forget that Bruce stuff.”
“I can’t, Josh,” I sniffled. “It’s because of me they’re calling you names, and Amanda’s lost her boyfriend, and...”
“Listen to me,” he ordered as he took my chin in his hand, “Do you believe you’ve done anything wrong?”
“Well... no.”
“Neither do I. As I remember the way it went, I was the one said I wanted to go with you, not the other way around.”
“I know, but I just can’t... I can’t get it off my mind. I mean, is this ever gonna end?”
“You know it’s not, Christine. But... we’ve got to go on with our lives. And that’s why... Uhhh... that’s why I’m gonna...”

He stopped in mid sentence, sat looking at me in the dim light inside the car for a few seconds, then reached over and kissed me. It was just a light peck on the cheek, but he kissed me! I gasped and turned my head to look at him. He had a strange look on his face, like he had done something really naughty. And then his lips were on mine. It didn’t last very long - only a second or two; but I don’t think I’ll remember another kiss like I remember that one if I live to be a hundred. “I better get inside,” he whispered.

“Do it again?” I said without even thinking. He didn’t have to be coaxed. And then he opened the back door, said that he’d call me tomorrow night when he got home, and ran into the house.

“Josh tells me you are now his girlfriend,” Mom said when we were on the way home.
“Uh-huh,” I replied absently.
“Honey, don’t you think you’re a little young to be someone’s girlfriend?”
“No, Mom, I don’t. Everybody at the dance said they would’ve thought I was older if I wasn’t so small. And besides, it was Josh’s idea, and he’s 11.”
“Do you think it’s fair to Josh?”
“No, Mom, I don’t. But I can’t help it if I’m only eight.”
“I didn’t mean that... I mean, not completely. But what about... you know...”
“What about it, Mom? Josh knows, and it doesn’t matter to him.”

“Amanda says some of the boys at the dance were calling him gay.”
“She also said they were buttheads,” I pointed out. “She said that boys who call other boys names just ‘cause they like boys instead of girls are the ones who are weird.”
“Christine, it’s not that simple.”
“Do you think Josh is gay?” I asked her as we walked into the house.

“Who’s gay?” Dad asked.
“Nobody,” I answered.
“They had some minor trouble at the dance,” Mom told him. “Amanda says some of the boys were calling Josh gay.”
Because he was dancing with Chris?” Dad said with that ‘I told you so” look on his face.
“It’s got a little more complicated than that,” Mom said. “It seems that Josh has declared that Christine is his girlfriend.”
“WHAT!” Dad yelled as he rose out of his chair.
“Honey, they’re just children,” Mom said. “They’re having fun with it, and they’re not doing anything wrong and they’re not doing any harm. It’ll pass.”

“It’s not gonna pass, Mom!” I said.
“Maybe they’re both gay,” Dad said as he eyed me curiously.
“I’m not gay, Dad,” I said as I started to cry. “And neither is Josh.”

I didn’t hear any more of the discussion. I ran upstairs to my room and slammed the door. I threw myself on the bed and sobbed. I don’t know how long I was lying there, but I had pretty well cried myself out when I heard a light knock on the door. “May I come in, Peanut?” I heard Dad say. I loved it when he called me by one of his nicknames. When I was a boy it was Champ or Son or Tiger. Now that I was a girl he refused to use any name that would suggest gender, so it was Peanut or Squirt or Runt. But the names were all expressions of love, and I knew it. I would have preferred Princess or Angel, but that was simply not to be; not yet anyway.

“If you want,” I said without lifting my face from the pillow. I felt the bed jiggle as Dad sat down. Then I felt him fumbling with the buttons on the back of my dress. “Mind if Daddy gets his little Peanut ready for bed?” he said.
“If you want,” I said. I didn’t move. I loved it when he touched me. It didn’t matter to me when or where or how; I just loved the feel of my dad’s hands. He undid the buttons, then gently took my shoes off. He reached under my dress and pulled my tights down and off. He reached up again and pulled off my panties.

“Want a bath?” he said.
“Not tonight,” I replied. “I’m too tired.”
“Honey, about what I said about you and Josh being gay,” he said as he struggled to get my dress off over my head. I still hadn’t moved as I lay with my face buried in my pillow. “I... I didn’t mean anything by it, really. Maybe deep down I was hoping that maybe you are both gay. That would explain all that’s been going on. But Josh is a really nice boy and if you and he want to be... uhh... special friends, that’s ok. But I wanted you to know, as you get older, if you figure out that you are gay, that’s ok. Lots of boys are gay, but that doesn’t make them terrible people. I’ll love you anyway.”
“I’m not gay, Daddy.” I said as I sat up and allowed my dress over my head. “I can’t be gay, ‘cause I’m not a boy. Don’t you understand anything?”
“Maybe you are and maybe you’re not, but whatever you are, I still love you.”

I was naked now except for the camisole Mom had me wear, and the special underwear that Mom had made for me. Dad undid the buttons on the camisole and pulled it over my head. “What’s that?” he asked as he noticed the last of my clothing.
“It’s a thing Mom made for me,” I answered. “It kinda squishes my wee-wee against my body so it don’t show.”
“Looks kinda like a jockstrap,” he observed.
“That’s where Mom got the idea,” I answered. “She puts a little padding in the front with a crease in it for... you know... then instead of two straps like a jockstrap there’s only one up the middle in the back. I wear them all the time.”
“Doesn’t it bother you, that strap going right up the crack of your butt?”
“No, sir. I like them. I like anything that helps me keep those parts out of sight.”
“Do you wear ‘em at night?”
“No,” I said as I started to giggle.
“Can Daddy take it off?” he asked tentatively.
“Daddy can do anything he wants,” I said. “There’s only three people in the world that’s allowed to see what’s in there, and Daddy is one of them.”
“Three?” he questioned.
“Uh-huh. You and Mom and Gail.”

Now I was completely naked. Dad had not seen me naked for months. It felt good! I was surprised to realize that I wasn’t the least embarrassed, not even a little shy. Dad fished around and got my nightie and pulled it down over my head. “You got to go to the bathroom?” he asked. I shook my head. “Ok then, in you go.” He pulled the covers down for me and I crawled in. “Forgive me?” he asked.
I nodded my head. “I love you, Daddy,” I said. He kissed my forehead and whispered, “Remember what I said: Boy or girl, gay or straight, I love you. Gnight, Peanut.”

I was snuggled in so comfortably, so sleepy! But I knew there would be things said that I wanted to hear. So I waited until I heard my dad’s footsteps on the stairs, then I got out of bed and took my usual place at the head of the stairs.

“She loves you so much,” I heard Mom say. “I wish you could just accept that she’s your daughter and go from there.”
“I’m doing the best I can, Susan,” my dad said. “I try to let him know I love him, and believe me, I want to accept him or her and I’m trying so hard. I stripped him naked tonight and got him ready for bed. I couldn’t help thinking as I touched his naked body, that his skin was so soft - like a girl’s. Maybe he’s right, that he’s been a girl all along. But his genitals are so perfectly formed! I just start to think of him as a girl, and then that perfectly formed little penis stares me in the face and I’m back to not being ready to write Christopher off.”
“Christopher is gone, John. He never was, really. And it meant so much to her that you referred to her as ‘Christine’ at that school meeting. She’s confused, John. She can’t understand why you accept her completely as she is outside the home, but at home, where it’s supposed to be her safe haven, the friendliest place on earth, she’s still a boy in your eyes.”
“I know what you mean. But I’m committed to presenting a united front to anyone outside the family, and I’ll do it until someone comes up with some kind of proof one way or the other. And in the meantime I’m gonna try spending more time with him, and as long as he’ll let me, I’m gonna put him to bed whenever I’m here, and even bathe him if he’ll let me.”
“I think you’ll find you’ve got a job for a good many years to come, honey. Christine really does adore you. Being a girl didn’t change that in any way.”

“By the way,” Dad said, “I noticed that jockstrap thing you made. That was rather clever of you.”
“Yes, it works quite well. Kinda makes those genitals melt right into her body, doesn’t it?”
“Where in the world did you get that idea?”
“I just kinda put things together. She was wearing sanitary pads, and the ones she liked best were the ones with the belts. I just took the thickness of the pads, added the concept of the male jockstrap, and put it all together in a pattern that wouldn’t show under her underwear. It means she can’t wear that dainty sheer underwear she loves, at least on school days; but really it’s a small price to pay.”
“But he’s got that strap going right up the crack of his butt. That would drive me nuts.”
“Another difference between the sexes, dear. We girls get used to that at an early age, the first time we have to wear a Kotex with a belt. They have all sorts of alternatives now, but the belted pads are still the best for those heavy days.”
“Well, I’m glad you made them for him. He seems much less self conscious now.”

I had a sudden pang of guilt, listening in on my parents like that. But at the same time I felt better. It was one thing for Dad to tell me he loves me and I appreciated it; but it’s quite another for him to say the words when he thinks I’m not there. So having heard what I needed to hear, I got up and crept back to bed. Within minutes I was sound asleep.

To be continued...