Andy XXXII: More Hormone Grief

XXXII More Hormone Grief

The next five weeks turned out to be the toughest any of the Conner crew had ever experienced. Billy busied himself finding reliable help that could be trusted to run the farm in the absence of all management. He was firmly established as the band's drummer now, and was even beginning to help out in the vocal department. Karen had countless trips to Wilmington and Raleigh, gathering together instruments, buying clothing and having it altered. Guido and Angelo worked on getting good people to run the lights and sound system. They also tried to hire extra instrumentalists for the show, but Karen was adamant: as far as music was concerned, the Conner family would stand or fall on their own merits. Dennis worked with his new attorney sorting out all the legalities, making sure they had legal clearance to perform all the songs they planned. Everyone worked very hard on their music, getting familiar with their new instruments, and working with stage presence and choreography that would be attractive but easily learned by a family of amateurs.

As if their lives weren't complicated enough, the hormones running rampant in two of the boys, Andy and Charlie, continued to wreak havoc on their young and unprepared lives. Charlie was the first to fall victim to further confusion when he met a young lady, seventeen years old, the daughter of one of the lighting crew who were preparing for the show.

Jeannie was a little taller than Charlie, had long black hair and a slender body that she didn't mind displaying, and was obviously quite attracted to this young would-be star. Charlie was instantly captivated and reduced to a mumbling idiot in her presence. To make matters worse, Karen had decided that a few dancing numbers would be beneficial, and had hired Jeannie to be Charlie's dancing partner for the show. So for the next few weeks a lot of Charlie's time, and most of his attention, were taken up by Jeannie and learning the dance routines Karen had devised. Andy felt mixed emotions by this turn of events. On the one hand he was definitely jealous; on the other, he'd been warned from the start that Karen didn't think Charlie as truly gay. Still, it hurt to see the couple romping about the stage, looking deeply into each other's eyes, and... and... yes, even kissing!

Perhaps it was precipitated by Charlie's infatuation with Jeannie, or maybe it would have happened anyway. But whatever the reason, Andy found himself at a local teen gathering place, dancing with a girl whose name was Lisa. Her dancing was flawless; her looks, out of this world! She stood about three inches shorter than Andy, had long silky blond hair; her eyes were the same fluorescent blue that he had always admired in Charlie. She wore very little makeup because, as he often told her, she didn't need it. Her natural coloring was irresistible! Andy fell head over heels, hopelessly, helplessly, in love.

Charlie's affair lasted just over a week; a week in which he noticed very little else, especially how often he'd gone to bed alone because Andy was still out. Of course he was more mobile, having a drivers license and his own truck. Finally in the middle of the second week Jeannie decided it was time to take Charlie one step further, and it was a step Charlie simply was not prepared to take. "We can't do that, Jeannie," he protested when she'd begun exploring. He brushed her hand away.

"Why not?" Jeannie demanded, "You know most guys your age do it all the time. You do love me don't you?"

"I dunno if I do or not. And besides, I'm not 'most guys,' I'm Charlie Conner. An' I just don't know if I'm ready. I dunno if I'll ever be ready."

At that point Charlie shared with his girl what had happened three years earlier. He assured her that he could still perform but that he simply wasn't ready to go all the way. Jeannie was overjoyed that they could romp in the hay all night if they wanted without fear of pregnancy, and that turned Charlie totally off, so he told her their affair was over. They fought, then made up, then fought again; finally for the sake of the upcoming show which was important to both of them, they parted friends; but their affair was definitely history. And that's when he finally noticed that Andy was never home at bedtime and when he did come in he slept in his own bed.

"Where were you last night?" Charlie asked one morning after Andy had come home particularly late.

"Out with Lisa," came the simple reply.

"Lisa?" Charlie questioned.

"Yeah, I told you about her. I guess maybe you were so involved with Jeannie you didn't hear me. She's real kewl, Charlie!"

"Yeah? Kewl in what way?"

"I dunno, she's just so much fun. She's a great dancer, and she's a lot of fun to be with. Not bad to look at either. But you're gonna meet her Sunday. She's gonna join us for dinner after our rehearsal."

"Cool! But we really need to work on that duet tonight. I thought after the work's done..."

"Can't tonight, Charlie. Lisa and I are goin' to a show then to her house. I gotta leave soon as I get cleaned up."

"Oh. Well maybe tomorrow night?"

"Maybe. I gotta check with Lisa, an' if we're not doin' anything special maybe we can work on it a while."

The boys didn't work on their duet the next night, nor the next. Soon it was Sunday and they still hadn't got their duet anywhere near ready. Karen tried to hide her annoyance, but she was only partially successful. Andy knew something was bothering her, so he got Charlie aside and asked him if they could go out to the barn to practice away from the others. "We should already know it by now," Charlie complained, but he followed Andy outside anyway.

They had just begun to make some progress when Lisa showed up, driving her father's car. Andy bolted from the barn to meet her, then when Charlie appeared, somewhat irritated at how quickly Andy had left their practice session, he introduced them. "This is my brother Charlie," Andy said. "Charlie, this is Lisa."

"Hi, Charlie," Lisa said. "Andy, can I talk to you? Alone?"

"Sure, Lis... we're about done anyway aren't we Charlie?"

"Seems like," Charlie said wistfully. He hated to do it, but he knew when his mother heard their duet she would cut it from the program, so he decided to tell her now rather than have a big scene later.

When Andy turned nineteen there was a little less than two weeks till the concert. Karen had declared a day off from their practicing so they could have a party. They had all been working very hard... well, all but Andy that is. He was trying hard to balance his commitment to the family and the band with his intense relationship with Lisa, and she seemed to have no sense of balance at all. She began by being extremely possessive, and as time went on that possessiveness grew to the point of being an obsession.

Charlie, Paul and Christopher got together and planned what they thought would be a great party. They had invited all Andy's friends, and when they listed them all it seemed he'd made friends with just about everyone. Signore Guido and Angelo were coming, as were several family friends. Christopher was his usual hyperactive self as they planned and plotted. The whole affair was to be a surprise, but Andy had a surprise of his own.

"I'm sorry, Mom," Andy said when she'd told him that there would be birthday cake and gifts at dinner, "Lisa wants me to go to her house. She's planned something special for me."

"Like what? A party?"

"I dunno, she wouldn't say. But I assume it's a party of some kind."

"Andy," Karen said, "I wasn't supposed to say anything but I guess now I have to. Your brothers have planned a big surprise party for you. They've been working on it for two weeks."

"Gee, Mom, if I'd known..."

"It wouldn't be a surprise if you knew, would it?"

"But... I already told Lisa I'd be there this afternoon. She's gonna be here any time now. Her dad is dropping her and she's going in with me. I don't know how I can get out of it now."

"Can't she come here? You don't know any of her friends anyway, do you?"

"Not really. But it was important to her that I go... I'm not even sure who all is gonna be there, but she said it was gonna be special. D'you think you could tell the guys?"

"No, Andy, I can't. If you're not coming to their party you're gonna have to tell them yourself."

* * *

"You... you're not gonna be here tonight?" Charlie questioned with surprise.

"Nope," Andy answered. "I'm goin' in to Wilmington. Lisa has a surprise for me."

"But Andy, it's your birthday! We always have something at home on birthdays. It's always been a family time."

"Sorry, lil bro, but not this time. I got a choice between cake and presents with the family, or spending the night with Lisa. Which would you choose?"

"I know which one I'd choose," Christopher said. It seemed that everyone was developing a dislike for Lisa, and with his hothead temperament, Chris made no effort to hide his feelings.

"Well you better get used to it," Andy replied, "cause after this show I'll probably be spending a lot of time in Wilmington. Lisa doesn't feel very welcome here."

"She hasn't killed herself to make us like her," Paul pointed out. "She just ignores us. How are we supposed to like her if she doesn't care?"

Andy didn't answer. A car appeared in the driveway, deposited Lisa, then did a quick about face and was gone. Andy went to greet her, leaving his three brothers to discuss the situation. "So now what do we do?" Charlie said.

"We'll have the party anyway," Christopher answered. "We'll have more fun without him anyway, cause if he comes she'll come too."

"We can't do that!" Paul said. "What'll we tell everybody?"

"Tell 'em the truth," Christopher answered. "That Andy's not into family any more, right Charlie?"

"I dunno," Charlie answered. "I gotta think about this. You guys go ask Mom, ok? There's something I gotta do."

What Charlie had to do is what he always did when he was upset or bothered about something. He strolled over to the barn and into the hay loft. It was two thirds full of fresh hay and smelled wonderful. He climbed the ladder and lay down on the bales on his back, looking straight up and seeing nothing. He thought of all that had happened over the past two weeks, then the past three years. He was devastated! Birthdays for Charlie had always been special, always family times.

He thought of his brief affair with Jeannie. Could he have hurt Andy this way? He didn't think so. Yes, he'd been pretty infatuated with her, but not like this! But then it didn't last that long either. Then he thought of the reason it hadn't lasted. Could Andy and Lisa be doing it? No, that was impossible! Andy wouldn't do that! Not to him, not to Mom, not to himself! Or would he? As he got up to leave, he heard voices approaching. It was Andy and Lisa and they seemed to be in a serious discussion about something. Then he heard his name.

"I wish you could at least tell me what you've got planned," Andy was saying. "Charlie was pretty disappointed. Mom told me he and the others had planned a big party."

"Charlie?" Lisa answered, "You want to stay here with Charlie? That little geek of a brother of yours? Dammit, Andy, I get so tired of hearing about Charlie!"

"Charlie's ok," Andy said.

"Ok! How can you say that? He's a freak! He sings all the time! He uses that computer of his constantly! He plays the piano! He doesn't even have any balls, fer God's sake! An' he's probably a faggot too."

"Lisa, you don't..."

"You're right I don't. I don't anything far as Charlie is concerned. Look at him! Take a good look and tell me he's not weird! He's got arms like an ape! He had a girl friend but he couldn't keep her! He's just plain weird!"

"I guess he is sorta different," Andy agreed.

"Different? That's the understatement of the century! He was your ticket out of the orphanage, but you don't need him any more. It's time to get on with your life and forget this weird family. You're nineteen now. You're a man. Why don't you act like one?"

"I never said he was my ticket," Andy answered weakly.

"You didn't have to. From what you told me it's pretty obvious. What other reason could you possibly have for spending any more than a few seconds with a weird little eunuch like that?"

No answer.

Charlie decided he'd heard enough. He started down the ladder, his eyes burning, stomach about to woof his cookies. "Charlie?" Andy exclaimed when he'd reached the bottom, "What're you doing, spying on us?"

"Wouldn't be surprised," Charlie answered. "We weirdo's do all sorts of stuff like that."

"Charlie, I didn't... you heard?"

Charlie didn't answer. He didn't have to. His face said he'd heard enough to last him a lifetime. He walked past them, looking first at Andy then Lisa. "Have a good time tonight... BROTHER." he said over his shoulder.

Charlie went in the house and straight upstairs. He found Paul and Christopher upstairs working on one of their songs. He hugged them both and kissed them deeply, one at a time, told them both that he loved them, then said he wanted to be alone for a while. "What happened?" Paul wanted to know.

"Nuthin' much," Charlie answered as he went to his room. "I just kinda want to be alone. I got a little more of an education than I needed." He closed his door and walked to the window in time to see the bright red pickup go down the lane and out of sight. He fished the gift he'd got for Andy from under his bed, a new bug deflector for his truck, and set it on Andy's bed. Suddenly it didn't seem like much of a gift.

"What is it, son?" Karen asked when she'd come into the room and found Charlie lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. "What did they say to you?"

"Nothing, Mom," Charlie answered. It wasn't exactly a lie, they indeed hadn't said anything TO him. "I guess I'm just disappointed that Andy's not gonna be here tonight."

"Christopher told me you looked pretty glum when you came in from the barn. He was worried about you, Charlie."

"It's ok, Mom, honest. I just need some time to myself. I'll be ok."

Andy was quiet during the drive into Wilmington. He couldn't get the look on Charlie's face out of his mind. It was the same look he often thought he saw in a steer's eyes just before they put a bullet into its head. They didn't do a lot of slaughtering on the farm, but they'd done enough to have a profound effect on Andy. Lisa, on the other hand, was bubbling over with excitement. This was going to be so cool, she kept repeating. Andy asked her several times for a hint of what she had in store, but she would give him no clue.

"Where is everybody?" Andy asked when the got into a very quiet, empty house. It was about 6 PM when they arrived, having stopped at a teen hangout for a burger.

"Mom and Dad are away," Lisa answered. "That's the surprise. I've got you all to myself tonight!"

"Nobody's comin' over?"

"Course not, silly! We're gonna have our own little party. I'm gonna order in a pizza, and we've already got everything else we'll need."

"Need? Like what?"

Lisa didn't answer, at least in words. She opened her pocketbook and pulled out a package of condoms, then grinned when she saw Andy's reaction. "Surprise!" she exclaimed, "Happy birthday, stud!"

Andy didn't come home that night. At all! He got a thorough third degree from Karen when he arrived home next afternoon, and his answer was pretty typical for a boy on his nineteenth birthday: he was too tired to drive home and had been offered the chance to sleep over, and he thought it best to accept. He wasn't defensive, simply stated the facts as he saw them.

"Andy," Dennis said, "were you... were you drinking?" Dennis had after all been nineteen and pretty adventurous, and he had a good memory.

"Yes, sir," Andy answered. "A little. I had a bottle of beer, but that won't happen again. I didn't like it."

"Well," Dennis said, "I'm not thrilled that you had something to drink, but I can't fault you for not driving. I only wish you'd called."

"It was pretty late."

"Doesn't matter," Karen said. "We need to know you're all right. Next time you call, ok?"

"There won't be a next time, Mom."

"In case there is, promise you'll call."

"Where are the others?" Andy asked.

"All gone fishing," Karen answered. "They were up at daybreak and got their work done, then they took the old pickup and went fishing at the river."

"Are we gonna practice today?"

"Probably not till after supper. Are you gonna be here?"

"Prob'ly. Right now I gotta get a shower and change my clothes."

Practice that night was more or less back to normal. The boys didn't get home from their fishing trip until dinner time, so Andy was not able to get Charlie alone. He wanted to talk to him, but the dinner table chatter centered around the boys' fishing trip. They'd caught some nice catfish and a few good sized bass, and Chris, so excited he kept slipping into Italian, had to give everyone a blow by blow description of every fish they all caught. Andy got the distinct feeling that he was being politely excluded from the conversation. But at practice, everyone was all business as usual. Charlie was as cooperative toward Andy as he'd always been, but Andy still sensed a difference.

"Can we talk?" Andy said when he and Charlie were in bed... their own beds.

"Sure. Whadda ya want to talk about?"

"What you heard... Charlie, I..."

"There's nothing to talk about, Andy. I heard what I heard. I heard what you said and what you didn't say."

"But I wanted you to know..."

"Good night, Andy. Tomorrow's another day."

"I guess you're pretty pissed at me, huh? Guess I can't blame you."

"I'm not pissed, Andy. Paul and Christopher are mad as hell, but I guess I'm just kinda disappointed. I thought we meant more to you than that. Oh well, the world is full of surprises isn't it?"

"Charlie, please don't turn your back to me like that. I really want to tell you..."

"I'm tired, Andy! We've had a busy day and I'm tired. What d'ya want to tell me that's so important?"

"It's just that... uh... Lisa and I... we.."

"You slept with her didn't you?"

"Yes. I had a bottle of beer and things kinda got outa hand..."

"Thanks for telling me. That really made my day. I kinda figured it would happen sooner or later, and after what I heard yesterday I'm not surprised. G'night, Andy."

A week went by. Mealtime was very uncomfortable for Andy, as were the practices. They were all working very hard, and the birthday incident was outwardly forgotten; but bedtime was an entirely different story. Charlie stayed in his own bed and made no sign that Andy was the least bit welcome. Christopher and Paul were still hardly speaking to him except when it was necessary. Karen still didn't know all that had happened, but she knew that somehow Andy had hurt his brothers pretty badly. She vowed not to bring up the subject but to just let it die a natural death. All the boys were working very hard on their concert, so she elected to deal with the cold war after that pressure was over. She did notice, though, that Andy wasn't seeing Lisa any more.

"Is Lisa away?" Karen asked innocently one afternoon when they were alone.

"I have no idea," Andy answered. "We broke up."

"Really? Did you have a fight?"

"Yes, ma'am, sorta. I told her I didn't want to see her any more."

"What about, if I may ask?"

"It's kinda personal, Mom. At least some of it is."

"That's what mom's are for, Andy. If you think it'd help to tell me, I'm here to listen."

"You mean Charlie didn't tell you? I mean about what happened in the barn?"

"No, he wouldn't tell me. He said he'd work it out."

When Andy thought about it for a few seconds, he broke down completely. Charlie's heart was obviously broken, yet he'd not told anyone what had happened. Suddenly Andy's fear about Karen's reaction to what Lisa had said vanished and he had to tell her all, and he did. "I'm so sorry, Mom," he cried. "I never told Lisa that Charlie was only a ticket. I can't believe I was so stupid! That's the way she thinks and I knew it from the start, but I was so... so..."

"So overcome with hormones? With teenage infatuation? Maybe even love?" Karen offered.

"Not love. Never love. I got a pretty high standard about love, after living in this family for two years. I guess maybe I thought I loved her at first, but I soon learned the difference. And that's what makes me feel so ashamed, especially after we... uhhh..."

Karen eyed Andy evenly. "You slept with her?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'm not proud of it, but we did it."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Andy, considering the past two years and what you and Charlie have been up to, you can't tell me there weren't some decisions made, or that there were no surprises. Don't you think Charlie has a right to know what you've learned?"

"Yeah, I guess he does. Mom, you and Dad have been so great about it. I mean, the things we've done, and y'all have never questioned it or got upset. I mean, we did what we did out of love, and you just accepted it for what it was."

"That's why we accepted it, Andy. I can't even begin to understand it, but we could see the love between you two. But where does Lisa fit in all of this? And where does Charlie fit now? I seem to remember you telling me on several occasions that you could never hurt Charlie. I think he's hurting pretty bad right now."

"Mom, this is gonna be even harder for you to understand. In a way I think it's a good thing that we went all the way. Charlie and I didn't go to bed that first night planning to do anything, it just happened. It wasn't lust or hormones or play, it was an expression of love! With Lisa it was purely physical. It was then that I knew that's all she wanted, and maybe a piece of the action if this concert goes well and we make millions of dollars. She thinks we're gonna be rich and she wants in on it. That's when I told her that I was leaving and wasn't coming back. I told her that Charlie had more guts and loyalty in his little finger than she ever would in her whole body, and that she was the one using people, not him or me. Mom, she said such terrible things about Charlie, and I just stood there and didn't say anything! I didn't agree with what she was saying, but I never said a word to defend him! And then I..."

"Does Charlie know about that?"

"He knows we slept together, but he doesn't know that we broke up. I suppose he's wondering 'cause I'm not goin' out any more. That is if he has even noticed."

"He's noticed, Andy."

"But he won't talk to me about it at all. What am I gonna do, Mom?"

"I don't know, Andy. He worships you so much, but he doesn't get over things like that easily. I could tell he was hurting pretty badly. I'm sure he still loves you, but I don't know if he will ever..."

"I don't care if he never speaks to me again!" Andy answered in a fresh volley of tears. "That's what I deserve. I just don't want him to hurt any more. I just want him to know that I'm sorry I hurt him, and that I know I screwed up. I just want him to be happy like he used to be."

Karen thought a minute as she held her son. "I've got an idea," she said suddenly. "When Charlie really wants to make a point, when he feels he's not communicating, what does he do?"

"I dunno what you mean."

"Sure you do. Remember that night at Carlo's house when we were all talking about sending him to Italy? He tried to break in and everyone ignored him. What did he do? And the concert we did when he thought he was dying of cancer. How did he deal with it?"

"He... he sang?"

"Precisely! When Charlie's back is really against the wall, he resorts to music, just like Christopher still switches to Italian when he gets excited. That's his element. That's how he communicates when it's really important. So if you really want to reach him, I suspect that's the best way."

"But how? What song would I sing? Where would I sing it to him? How would I even get him to listen?"

"That's for you to figure out, son. We've sung literally hundreds of songs. Go over them in your mind and pick one that says what you want to say. If you can't find one, write one!"

"But couldn't you just tell him I'm sorry and I still want to be his brother and friend?"

"I could, but I won't. It won't mean anything coming from me, Andy. It's got to come from you."

Before any of the group was ready, it was July 3, and they were all in the huge empty arena for their dress rehearsal. They started at 8 AM, and they were still working hard at 8 PM. Even then they had never gone through the entire program without ceasing. Karen had arranged things so that the four boys were doing most of the vocals, with Dennis adding his bass voice when needed. Charlie's voice had deepened to the point that he could sing any part with ease; Andy was definitely a baritone, his voice soft and mellow. Paul's high soprano voice, still unaffected by the tiny doses of hormones he was taking, was also very mellow. Christopher, on the other hand, had the same strong powerful voice that Charlie had always had. But when singing together, their voices blended as harmoniously as if they'd been singing together all their lives. Finally at 10 Karen declared the group ready, and they all retired to their hotel suite where they were to spend the night.

"It's a sellout!" Guido said excitedly as thy ate. He and Angelo, together with the staff they had assembled, had done a wonderful job of advertising the concert. When the big name canceled, everyone had been offered a refund; but then came a barrage of TV commercials, newspaper ads, and live interviews, even video clips of actual performances of the group. Of course there was a lot of emphasis on the fact that it was a local group and that despite their lowly North Carolina farming roots, three of the family had studied music in Italy.

"You mean that whole arena is gonna be full?" Paul questioned.

"To capacity!" Guido answered.

"Awesome!" Charlie said.

"But..." Christopher said, "that place must hold fifty thousand people!"

"Actually, twenty thousand," Angelo corrected. "But the TV cameras for all the networks are gonna be there, so there's no telling how many people will be watching."

"Hey guys," Karen said when she sensed the growing nervousness, "we just go out there and do our thing. We play the best we can and sing from our hearts like we always have. They either like it or they don't, right?"

"Yeah, Mom," Charlie answered. "But we got a fortune invested in all this equipment, all the other people like lighting and sound, makeup, rental on the arena.... what's gonna happen if they don't like us?"

"This one is already paid for," Karen replied. "And if they don't like us, we'll know not to do it again."

"I guess," Charlie answered. "But I can't help thinking, if we had spent all that money on the farm..."

"It's an investment," Dennis told him. "If we're successful, and I really think we will be, we'll never have to worry again about that farm. Even if it doesn't make money, we'll be able to keep it going. And with you and your brothers doing your best, I don't see how we can lose!"

The four boys, at their own request, had been assigned to one large bedroom in the suite. There were two king sized beds which hosted, predictably, Andy and Charlie in one, Paul and Christopher in the other. But before the lights had been out fifteen minutes Paul and Christopher had migrated to their older brothers' bed. "I'm scared!" Paul said as he snuggled up to Charlie. "I've never sung in public before without the choir to cover for me."

"You got no reason to be," Charlie assured him. "You've got a beautiful voice. You're gonna be fine, and just to be sure we're all gonna be there. You don't have to rely on your voice and nothing else 'cause we'll all be there supporting you."

Christopher, in spite of all the performances he'd done in Italy, was equally terrified. He didn't say anything though; he just snuggled into Andy and held him as if some unseen force was trying to rip him away. Andy didn't share with the others the panic he was feeling. He was the oldest, and like it or not that meant that he was by definition the strongest. So he held Christopher as tightly as he could while running one hand over Paul's body as he clung to Charlie.

They made love. Who did what to whom is totally irrelevant except that Charlie and Andy didn't so much as touch each other. All that's important is that it was not a hot sex scene, something erotic to be told in some sex magazine. It was a true, honest, sincere expression of love amongst four brothers, from very different backgrounds, who truly cared for each other intensely. Before he dropped off to sleep, Andy made a decision.

Next: XXXIII (Final Chapter) The Concert