Christine VIII: Johnny Comes Marching Home

As soon as the meeting was over, Dr. Reynolds asked Mom and Dad and me and Josh to meet in his car. “That was quite a turn around for Mr. Morgan,” Mom observed as soon as we were all in the car.
“He’s just afraid of all the publicity if I sue his ass,” Dad answered.
“I don’t think so,” Dr. Reynolds said. “I’ve worked with him before, and I think he honestly wants to help all he can. He couldn’t go too far in apologizing or hanging his principal out to dry, but I think we can count on him as an ally from now on. But I wanted us to get together as soon as we got out of there just to be sure we all understand each other.”
“What’s to understand?” Dad said grumpily. “As far as I can see, my son is still my daughter, only now the whole town knows about it.”

I was crushed again. I thought I’d seen pretty clear evidence that my dad was coming around, but now he seemed to have reverted to where he was when he first saw me in that dress. But not to be undaunted, I crawled into his lap and hugged him. “Thanks, Dad,” I said as I kissed his cheek. “You know, for sticking up for me in there. And for calling me Christine, and all...”
“Just so you know,” he said as he hugged me back, “I haven’t changed my position. I still don’t believe you’re a girl or ever were. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna let some self righteous school teacher tramp all over you. You’re still my child and I still love you, and when we make a decision together, we STICK together.”

As he was talking his hand had roamed up my leg until it was on my bottom. He had a handful of a very wet diaper. Damn! I thought, just when we’re starting to get together, he’s gotta be reminded that his eight year old... er... child... is wearing a diaper. And using it! “Hey, little buddy,” Dad whispered, “I think your diaper’s kinda wet. Do you suppose you could find it in yourself to let your old dad change you when we get home? After all, I’ve only got to pull up your dress to get at it?”
“Really, Daddy?” I said excitedly, “you don’t mind?”
“You may be a dainty little girl to some, but to me you’ll always be one tough cookie, the way you’re handling all this. I would be honored to change your diaper.”
“You can take it off if you like,” I said with a nervous giggle. “But I don’t think I’ll be needing a clean one.”

“Looking at the bright side,” Dr. Reynolds said as he tried to get our attention again, “I think in many ways it’s a good thing this all happened. I guess we all knew that sooner or later the truth would come out, and I think it’ll be better now that everyone knows all about what’s going on. Now they can either deal with it or not, and Christine, I think you’re gonna be surprised at how many allies you have.”
“Yeah,” I agreed as I snuggled into my dad’s lap, “I was gettin’ kinda tired of wondering who knows, when I’m gonna see someone from my old school, and all that. Now I don’t have to worry about it any more.”
“That’s great, Christine. Now, I’d like to see all the Elliot’s tomorrow, ok? I’ll have my nurse call to set up an appointment first thing in the morning. I’ll be wanting to see you too, Josh, so you come straight to the office from school, ok? I’ll have your mom pick you up.”

By the time we got home I was soaked through and leaking. I was concerned because I’d had no idea I was wetting so much. “Not a problem, Peanut,” Dad said as he lifted me easily and carried me upstairs. “I suspect you had such an upset today you’ve probably lost all control. But it’ll come back. And in the meantime your daddy’s gonna change your diaper, ok?”

I didn’t answer, at least in words. I just threw my arms around him as he carried me up the stairs, then gently laid me on my bed. At that moment I didn’t care if the entire world watched me get changed, because my daddy was doing it - without shame or guilt, just love and a mutual respect. He lifted my bottom off the bed and pulled my dress up to give him access, then undid the pins and pulled a totally saturated diaper off as Mom handed him a clean one. “I don’t need it now, Dad,” I reminded him.
“Humor your old dad,” he replied. “If you’re still dry at bedtime we’ll consider you cured; but let’s not take a chance, ok? And with that dress no one will know.”

He laid my butt on the fresh diaper and then powdered me all over the groin area. I could not believe how gentle he could be with his big hands. “I’ll go out after dinner and get you some disposables,” he said as he pulled the diaper up between my legs and pinned it in place.
“But, Dad,” I protested, “I’m eight years old! I can’t be wearing diapers any more.”
“Course you can!” he answered. “You go ahead and wear ‘em until you’re ready to take ‘em off. I don’t care if it takes you twenty years. You’ve earned it.”

Gail came over just before dinner and ate with us, and just as we were finishing up, Amanda and Josh arrived. We were all in the living room playing a game when Miss Anthony, my teacher, rang the doorbell. “Thank you for coming,” Mom said as she invited her in. “The children are all in the living room.” Miss Anthony had been Josh’s teacher, and I could tell by their reunion that she and Josh liked each other a lot. She didn’t stay long - just long enough to leave me some books and assignments, then she apologized a few times for all that had happened and assured me that her class would not give me any trouble, then she hugged me and left. “She’s really nice,” Josh told me after she had gone. “I think you’re really lucky to have her.”

“I’ve gotta ask you something,” I said to Josh before he and Amanda left. We were out on the back patio after I’d said I wanted to talk to him. “When we were in Mrs. Davis’ office today, you were crying. Why, Josh? Were you in trouble? I hope I didn’t get you into trouble.”
“No, you didn’t get me in trouble,” Josh said. He had a very distant look in his eyes. Then to my utter astonishment he started to cry again, only this time he completely lost his composure. He threw his arms around me, laid his head on top of mine and sobbed out of control.

“What, Josh? What’s happened?” I pleaded.
“I was just thinking about how you must feel,” he sobbed. “I started wishing I was grown up so I could grab you and take you away from all that mess. It musta been terrible for you, Christine.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” I said as I found myself consoling my hero, the boy I thought could handle everything. “I guess I was pretty scared all right, till my dad got up and stuck up for me. Then I started thinking it was worth all the trouble. Our dad’s were both pretty awesome, Josh. I really believe it’s gonna be all right now. Please stop crying, Josh.”

Josh did stop crying. He looked at me with his deep brown eyes, and the look he gave me reminded me of the day we’d spent in the little pine grove, when he had held my head, patiently waiting for me to wake up. I was almost in tears myself when Josh whispered “You’re so awesome!” And then he kissed me. It was only a little peck on the cheek, then he had self-consciously released me and went back inside to get his sister, and they were gone. I was so shocked it took all the strength I could muster just to wish them good-night. I was shocked by that little kiss, but I was even more shocked at his admission that he’d been crying for me. He had put himself in my place and there he found the pressure, the tension, the pain almost unbearable. I didn’t realize it then, but I know now that the little exchange we had that night on our back patio gave me more strength than an injection of the most powerful drug known to man.

I made full use of the next three days, staying around home and being babied, literally, by both Mom and Dad. Gail came home Thursday and reported that they did indeed have a new principal, and that he was a younger man and seemed really nice. I wore diapers all day until Friday, when I announced that I was ready to try going without them. I had no problem during the day, but I continued to wet the bed for another week after the big incident. My parents didn’t seem to mind my wearing diapers and I didn’t really mind either, so I just wore them until I was comfortable going to bed without them.

The morning I returned to school was interesting to say the least. Some of the kids just stared or pointed and whispered; others avoided me as if I had the plague. Still others were all over me, trying to assure me that their friendship was still available if I wanted it. Some kids tried to tease me, but after what I’d been through it didn’t bother me in the least. But the good news is that I had a fair bit of admiration from just about everyone in the school because I’d been instrumental in getting rid of Mrs. Davis. It turned out that no one liked her, and everyone, it seemed, was grateful that she was gone. So all in all things worked out not too badly.

I’d been back to school a full week before we had gym. I had been given an excuse from having a shower, which wasn’t particularly unusual. Almost half the girls had one reason or another for not showering. My mom had instructed me to always wear a sanitary pad on gym days and to always carry a spare just in case. This added responsibility was not what I would have preferred, but under the circumstances it was far better than the alternative, which was getting caught with my extra body parts showing.

My gym attire was far different from what I’d worn last year: just a simple leotard that looked and felt a lot like the Speedo bathing suit I’d worn all summer. Instead of straps over the shoulders it had short sleeves and there was a zipper up the back which would have given me a lot of trouble a few weeks ago, but I was already getting quite used to fastening my clothes in the back. I was quite adept now at applying the sanitary napkin that hid my extra parts, and Dr. Reynolds had arranged for a regular hormone injection that would reduce my ability to get erections. “Before I give you the first needle,” he said as he prepared to stick my bare butt, “I want to be sure you understand what’s going on. As soon as I start these injections, you will never again experience what most boys consider normal. You will simply not be able to get an erection. Is that really what you want?”
“Bring it on!” I exclaimed. In my mind this injection was the first step in what would be a death sentence for my penis, and I couldn’t wait.

I think the first time I wore that leotard out on the gym floor and took part in gym class with all the other girls was a milestone for me. It was very tight and stretchy, so I felt the slight pressure, almost a support type pressure, all over my torso. But to my total surprise none of the other girls paid any attention to me at all, other than the usual girl talk and getting acquainted. I found that I was completely accepted as one of them, and my self confidence had taken a giant leap upwards. Because of that I could actually participate with the others and not worry about flubbing the ball, falling down at an inopportune time, or otherwise making myself a laughing stock. I discovered that I not only felt great, but I looked great! I soon got so I actually looked forward to gym for the first time in my life!

One thing that had been bothering me that I hadn’t shared with anyone was my brother John. He was due home the middle of September for two weeks after he finished boot camp, and he knew absolutely nothing about what had happened. As I mentioned before, Johnny had been anything but a sissy, and it was inconceivable that he would ever even consider wearing anything that even closely resembled female clothing. I had no reason at all to hope that he would approve or accept his little sister, and that concerned me more as the time for his arrival approached.

Considering our age difference, we had been very close. Johnny always had his little brother tagging along whenever possible and had never complained. As he grew older, he would volunteer to baby sit me when the need arrived, and we both cherished our times together. He tried tirelessly to help me learn to play the various sports that came so naturally to him, and when I just couldn’t do it, he would always say something like “That’s ok, lil bro, you’ll catch on sooner or later.” And now, finally, he was arriving tomorrow. I was anxious to see him, but I was afraid.

“You think I should dress like a boy while he’s here?” I asked my mom.
“That’s up to you, dear,” she replied. “But I think that would be a little less than truthful, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” I said, “but I don’t know... I can’t bear the thoughts of what Johnny will think.”
“He’ll understand, honey. Johnny loves you. He’ll understand.”
“Dad doesn’t, and he loves me,” I reminded her.
“He’s trying,” she said. “He just needs a little more time.”
“Maybe,” I admitted. “Sometimes I wonder... I mean... does Dad really love me any more? I mean, he hasn’t even once asked me to go fishing or offered to take me anywhere.”
“You know he does. Just give him more time, He’ll get over it. He and your Uncle Dan have been very busy trying to get the business off the ground. But for now, I suggest you spend your efforts deciding what you’re gonna do about Johnny. If you want my opinion, you should do just as you do with us: be yourself.”

I took my mom’s advice. Johnny was supposed to arrive on a Thursday afternoon, so that morning I donned what was fast becoming my usual school attire: a skirt and blouse, with knee socks and white shoes. I was beginning to believe Mom when she said blue was “my color,” so I chose a navy skirt with a lighter blue silk blouse, with short sleeves. I let my hair down and tied it back from my face with a blue hair band. My socks were blue with white trim. “Mom, would you paint my fingernails?” I said as I ate breakfast.
“Christine,” she said with a little surprise in her voice, “you’ve never asked to have your nails painted. Next thing you’ll be wanting your ears pierced.”
“Well, actually, I was gonna ask you about that,” I said as I felt myself flush.
“I’ll paint your nails this morning,” Mom said. “As for your ears, we’ll talk about it later.”

I watched with fascination as Mom applied a coat of light pink polish to my nails. I had been manicuring them for weeks, planning to ask for them to be painted and hoping they’d pass inspection when the time came. My efforts did not go unrewarded as Mom commented on what a good job I’d done getting them to grow and shaping them. “Thanks, Mom,” I said as I gave her a hug, then flew out the door to meet Gail and the others.

When I got home from school, Johnny had still not arrived. That gave me a chance to go freshen up so I’d look perfect for my big brother. I checked my nails... they were still fine. I gave my hair a final brush as I heard the front door open. Mom had agreed to give him a little warning before I came downstairs, so I perched myself at the top of the stairs and strained to hear what was being said.

“I’m not sure exactly how to tell you this,” Mom began after she’d hugged him to death and dried her tears. “It’s about Christopher.”
“Is he ok?” my brother asked. “Where is the li’l guy anyway? I can’t wait to see him.”
“He’s fine... or rather... well, SHE’s fine. Christopher has changed her name to Christine.”
“Her?” Johnny asked, the confusion obvious in his voice.
“Johnny, it’s gonna be really hard to condense the past three months into a few minutes. But the fact is, Chris began seeing a therapist, and they have concluded that he should have been a girl. In Chris’ mind she already is.”

There was a long silence. I wanted to go running down the stairs and scream “say something!” but I didn’t. I stood waiting, knowing if Johnny was going to laugh, or call me some disgusting name, or just not speak to me at all I wouldn’t go downstairs at all. I would just stay in my room and avoid him while he was home. “I was worried about him,” Johnny said at last. “I knew he wasn’t very happy. So they think that’s what was bothering him?”
“I’m not going to say any more, John. I think you’ll find a very happy child in place of the depressed one you left last June. But right now she’s terribly afraid that you’ll reject her.”
“Reject her? My little brother... er... sister? That’s crazy! It’d take a whole lot more than a little thing like a dress to make me reject him. Where is he.. Er... where is SHE?”
“Right here, Johnny!” I said as I stepped off the bottom stair. I started walking toward him. He had changed so much! And he was so incredibly handsome standing looking at me in his dress white’s. I walked slowly. To me my big brother was at least ten feet tall. I felt a shiver go down my entire body. He knelt down on one knee. Now I could see the utter shock on his face. Being the little girl that I was now, I burst into tears and threw myself into his arms, wailing that I was SOOOO glad to see him! Then I really started bawling. “I’m... I’m so sorry, Johnny,” I wailed.

Johnny returned my hug warmly, then kissed the top of my head. Then he pushed me away from him and looked at me. “Heeyyy!” He soothed as he wiped my eyes with the backs of his fingers. “What’s all this? I thought you’d be glad to see your big brother, not cry your eyes out. C’mon, Christine, dry your pretty eyes and give me another hug. Then I want you to tell me all about it.”
“I am happy to see you, Johnny,” I wailed. “If you only knew how much I’ve missed you. Then when you show up an’ you’re so handsome! I always wanted to be just like you, Johnny! But now...”
“Now you’ve realized that you can’t be like me,” he interrupted. “You’ve gotta be you, Christine! You’ve gotta do your own thing, whatever that is. You’re doin’ fine from where I stand. So why don’t you dry your tears and tell me all about it?”

As I ran upstairs to go the bathroom, I heard Johnny say to my mom, “My God! I can’t believe it! She really IS a girl! She’s beautiful! This is so incredible!”
“You mean you’re not upset?” I heard my mom ask.
“Are you kidding?” my brother answered. “This is like a dream come true! I almost didn’t go into the navy at all, I was so worried about Chris. He was so depressed! I can’t believe I didn’t realize the problem. He told me only a few months ago that he just felt like he didn’t belong. I asked him belong to what, and he couldn’t answer. He didn’t know himself what was wrong, he just knew things weren’t right.

“Tell her!” mom said. “Take her out to dinner, right now, and tell her how you feel. She needs that, son. She needs YOU! She needs to know it’s all right with you and her.”
“It’s more than all right,” John said. “I can tell just by looking at him... er... HER, tears and all, that he... uhhh... I mean SHE is happier. And she’s gotta be the prettiest little girl I have ever seen in my life!”
“I should hope so,” Mom chuckled. “She’s been primping, trying on various outfits, making herself perfect for you all day.”

We did go out that night. As soon as I had put myself back together and had a pee, I went back downstairs. “Come on, li’l sis,” Johnny said as if he’d been doing it all his life, “you and I are going out to supper, and you can tell me all about it. That is, if my car will start.”
“No problem,” I said proudly. “I charged the battery up yesterday and started it up. It’s all ready for you. I also checked the tire pressures and the oil.”

Johnny had bought an old Ford when he was in high school. He adored that car, but cars and boot camp just don’t mix. So he had left it home, saying he’d be back for it when it was more convenient. He had shown me how to start it and asked me to start it every week or so while he was gone. Obviously I had not been able to do that while we were in the campground, but as soon as we got home and Dad had moved the car to its new home, I had tended to it religiously. So now that my brother, my BIG brother, my hero, was home, his wheels were ready to go! “My!” Johnny said as he ran his fingers through my hair, “aren’t you the efficient one! I guess you haven’t lost all your boy skills.”
“Just ‘cause I’m a girl don’t mean I don’t know about cars,” I answered him defiantly.

I have since thought of that evening many times, and I’ve got to say, it ranked right up there with the first evening I danced with Josh. It was so special! Johnny wanted to know all about how I’d discovered what was now a fact of my life, and I told him everything. I told him things that night that I’d never told anyone, including Dr. Reynolds. I told him that I knew, from the very first moment I felt that sun dress slipping down over my body, that I was home. And he understood. My jock, all-American he-man sailor brother, my hero, understood! And I lost count of how many times he told me I was pretty.

As I sat opposite my brother in a Wendy’s booth, I saw again how incredibly handsome he was in his sailor’s uniform, and I started having my first case of doubt since the entire transgender thing had started. Did I really know what I was doing? After all, I was only eight years old. I so wanted to be like my brother, but I had already proven that I wasn’t like him at all. Had I been too hasty? Was I positive I could never be the man that he was becoming so quickly? But johnny sensed those doubts too. “Christine,” he said as he took my tiny hands in his, “you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. You’re you, just like I’m me. And if you really want to be a Navy Seal some day, or a pilot, a drill sargent, whatever, being a girl won’t be a problem like it used to be. We had two girls in our boot camp and they did just fine. You haven’t closed any doors, Christine, you’ve opened more! But how’s Dad dealing with all this?”
“Ok,” I answered simply.
“Come on, Christine,” Johnny pressed. “That’s not an answer. This is me. Your big brother! How are things with Dad and you?”

I told him everything. I told how Dad was still thinking of me as a boy in girls’ clothes, not a girl. I explained what Dr. Reynolds had recommended, but that Dad said he would never agree to castrating his son, or any other surgery for that matter. I told him that we still had a little time, but that I needed to have the surgery before I reached puberty or it would get a whole lot more complicated. “How do you feel about that?” he asked me. “I mean, that’s pretty heavy stuff when you’re only eight years old. Once your balls are gone you can’t just glue them back on, you know. Maybe Dad is right.”

“I hate my boy parts!” I stated flatly. “It’s getting so it’s an effort to just keep myself clean. Sometimes at night I pull everything real tight against my body and just run my hand up and down and feel how smooth it is there, and I wonder if I’ll ever be like that. An’ if I don’t get rid of those balls before I’m 12, I’m never gonna be a real girl. I’ll be a guy trying to be a girl, an’ it’ll be so much harder. My voice will be deep like yours, an’ I’ll have hair all over my legs and tummy and everything, and it’ll just be impossible. Dr. Reynolds says if I could get that orchi... orchi.... well, castration... if I could get it now, I could just grow up as a girl.”
“But Dad won’t go for it, right?”
“No. He says I’m too young to make that kinda choice. He thinks I’m gonna wake up some day and thank him for not allowing me to have my manhood cut off. That’s crazy, Johnny! I don’t have any manhood. I never did! And just having those horrible things between my legs isn’t gonna change that.”
“We’ll handle it,” Johnny said. “Just don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, ok? Your big brother’s got it covered.”
“But Johnny...” I said as I fought the tears.
“Got it covered,” Johnny repeated. “Just trust your big brother, ok? Have I ever let you down?”
“No,” I admitted. And it was true: Johnny had never ever disappointed me.
“Ok,” he said. “Put it out of your mind. You have my word that you will never experience puberty as a boy. Now let’s talk about something else. How’s school?”

It was time for me to go to bed by the time Johnny and I got home that night, but sleep wasn’t in my future for some time to come. I had told him about all the things that were going on at school; I had told him about clogging, ballroom dancing, and... and I told him about Josh. Well, at least I started to. But he stopped me in mid sentence. “You don’t have to tell me about Josh,” he told me. “You have hardly spoken a whole sentence all evening without Josh’s name in it somewhere. Christine, is Josh your sweetheart?”
“No, Johnny!” I said forcefully. “I’m only eight years old! What would I be doing with a sweetheart? Besides, he’s eleven. He’s just a real good friend.”
“Ok,” he said. “I was just asking.” But I think that’s when I knew as well as Johnny that he was on to something. I had never given a thought about Josh until that moment as anything but a very good friend, but Johnny forced me to think about it. My conclusion: I still found the idea somewhat preposterous, but I had to admit that life without Josh would be pretty hard to face.

I had a total blast with my brother Johnny while he was on leave. But it was only a little over two weeks, and then it was time for him to go back. He had been assigned to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific, halfway around the world. I begged him not to go, but of course he had no choice. During his stay he had spent more time with Josh and me than anyone else in the family. Josh had liked him instantly, and the two had got along like two brothers. Josh was everything a little brother should be: great looking, witty, and probably most important, he and Johnny could play catch, one-on-one basketball, anything that Johnny desired. But still, even when I was sitting on the sidelines watching the two play some sport that I either wasn’t interested in or couldn’t play anyway, I was confident that my big brother loved me and accepted me as I was. And if I’d had any doubts, they were put to rest the night before he left.

It was late Saturday night. I’d been sent to bed in spite of my protests, with the promise that Mom would get me up in time to see Johnny before he left in the morning. Naturally as soon as I was ready for bed and tucked in, I lay awake until all upstairs seemed quiet, then I crept to the head of the stairs to listen to whatever was going on. I got settled in my position just in time to hear Johnny ask, “So Dad, Christine tells me she needs surgery, but you won’t give your consent. What’s the problem?”
“HE doesn’t need surgery, he WANTS it! It’s just more of his stupid kid fantasy. He’s fine.”
“It would mean an awful lot to her if you’d acknowledge what everybody else seems to know, that SHE is a girl.”
“I haven’t seen him with his pants off for a while, but last time I did, I saw no evidence of any girl. Has something changed that I don’t know about?”
“Dad, you know as well as I do that it takes more than a little skin and flesh to make a boy. Christine is happy now, can’t you see that?”
“Well, then, if he’s so happy, I guess he doesn’t need surgery.”
“She’s absolutely terrified that puberty is gonna rob her of her gender.”

“Have you ever stopped to consider that a good dose of testosterone is all he’ll need to lose all those ideas that everybody keeps planting in his head?”
“All I know for sure is that I left a pretty depressed little boy in June, then in September I come home to find a very happy, content little girl who is very satisfied with herself. I should think that would make you happy.”
“I should be happy that my son wants to be castrated and throw away all his family heritage? I should be happy that he wants to denounce his duty as my son?”
“His duty? Dad, isn’t that a bit old-fashioned? All Christine wants that she doesn’t already have is to know that you’re proud of her.”
“And all I want is something to be proud of. Now please, I don’t want to discuss it any more.”
“I’ll bet you don’t! Well, I’m sorry, but I think we need to discuss it. And if you don’t hear anything else I have to say, hear this: I promised that she would have her orchiectomy before puberty, and I meant it. I don’t know how, in fact until she told me I didn’t even know the meaning of the word. But I’ll be checking in with her, and one way or the other she’s gonna get that surgery, and in time. If I have to castrate her myself, it’ll be done before it’s too late. I have never broken a promise to Christine, or Christopher before her, and I don’t intend to start now.”

My head was swimming with ideas and emotions as I rose and padded back to bed. I was so proud of my brother! But could he really help? How in the world could he go against my father? But it was hope, and I desperately needed hope as I thought about life without Johnny again. As I drifted off to sleep, I sang softly to myself:

...When you wish upon a star...
...Makes no difference who you are...

To be continued...