At Federal Laser Centers, I lay back on the paper sheet as the doctor -- or should I say technician -- singed the hair off my chest, my back, my ass, with something that looked like it came straight out of a bad Dr. Who episode. Then, sliding a polite finger from my anus to on my perineum, then my crotch, she asked, "You want to laser these, too?" What did you expect? I said sure, why the hell not.

That day, I went to my girlfriend Susanna's house dressed in a suit. I couldn't find my good shoes, so I wore an old pair of Chuck Taylors. I mean, I didn't know how to break it to Susanna, you know, whether it would be a good or bad surprise. So I dressed up real nice. How should I know what she would say? Anyhow, I told her we were going out to eat, so she hurled some spoons onto some dishes, threw the pots in the cabinets, and slammed all the cabinet doors. I've always said, It's right after a good, hearty fit that the heart, not to mention the stomach, grows fonder.

At the Italian restaurant, I ordered a shit-load of the richest sounding pasta that I could possibly pronounce, with cheese and sauce and everything. I told Susanna, "Get whatever the hell you want. Good old Max came by and dropped a huge green turd in my wallet. Hell, after dinner, if there's time, let's go to Macy's. I'll buy you a fucking diamond ring."

Then Susanna started crying, and I remembered why I got that funny feeling as the word "diamond ring" burst out of my mouth: She couldn't have children. Or maybe she could, but the doctors were doubtful. Either way, I'd somehow convinced her to get her tubes tied, I don't even remember how. So I guess she's been kinda sore at me, and she remembers it every time someone mentions diamonds or rings or weddings or people dedicating their lives to each other or some other kinda romantic shit like that.

Back home I got her into bed and got most of her clothes off, but soon enough she turned on her side and cried again. Then she said she had a headache. I didn't even get to show her my chest. And I had a pretty good chest. Being unemployed left a lot of time in my schedule for working out. Hell, I was so bored most of the time I became the fucking stair master.

The next morning, while I was taking a shower, Susanna poked her head in and said, "Well, you look like an eight year old boy today." So I asked if she wanted to fuck, but she said, "Why the hell would I want to fuck an eight year old boy?" and walked out of there like it was nothing.

Over breakfast, I finally told her what I'd really done, only she didn't take it with the same humor as in the shower. She practically shouted me out of the house. She told me never to come back again, though that meant that I should just chill out at my mother's house for the day, then come back for some make-up sex in the evening.

Come evening, Susanna was at the door waiting for me. She was in better spirits than she'd ever been in her life. She said she'd scored these great pills, and that I should definitely have a few. So I did, and she was right, they were the most bangin' pills I'd ever taken. I totally don't even remember that night.

The next morning, I woke up in a daze and she said, "Hey, you wanna try these other pills that I got? They're even better than the others."

I said sure, why the hell not, and the rest was like a dream. Everything felt good and peachy.

"My friend Jenny gave me these," she said. "She also gave me all these sex toys to play with."

So she took out some of these sex toys, threw them on the bed, and picked out one mean looking cock with a weird hook thing on the end. She said that's the part she puts into her and holds onto with her cunt muscles. Then she told me to turn over and lubed up my ass.

Later that evening, when I woke up again, she asked if I wanted more of the last kind of pills, and I said I dunno. But then she smiled kinda sexy, so I said okay. In bed, she asked if I'm okay being tied to the bed with my face down. I said I dunno, but she smiled sexy again, and I said okay.

Then she took out a few other toys, metal ones. I mean, I couldn't see them, but I could hear them clanging, and I could feel the nice cold steel touch on my skin.

Then she licked my anus and reached her hand toward my cock. Her hand was cold, and my nads shivered and shrunk right away. Then she warmed me up with a hot water bottle she'd brought, and she put one of these steel toys around my cock and balls. I couldn't see, but I could feel it. Then she gave me some more pills, and I couldn't remember the rest of that night.

The next time I woke up, I was lying in bed, a little groggy. I got out of bed and I went to the bathroom to take a piss. I couldn't really feel my crotch. Must have been a real bangin' night. Then, as I was pushing on my bladder, trying to piss, I couldn't hear the piss hit the toilet water. I only felt my left foot getting wet.

I looked down, and sure enough, the piss wasn't going in the toilet. The body was still the same body, nice and hairless and muscular. But at the tip of it, at the place I'd loved so much I'd always taken it for granted, my cock and balls were missing.

Then Susanna came into the bathroom, frowned, and said, "Hey, why're you pissing on the goddamn floor!"

I turned to her, not knowing what to say. I guess I must have looked at her questioningly, because she said, "Yeah, I know. I cut your cock and balls off. Then I sewed you back up and made you a nice new peehole, free of charge. In a way, you should really thank me. That Jenny really taught me good."

Then she walked up to me, caressed the little hole in that once-loved tip of my pelvis, took my face in her hand, and gave me a long, passionate kiss. I can't remember the last time she'd actually kissed me this passionately.