The Private Hell of Don Juan

Legend has it that Don Juan de Marana jokingly invited the statue of a man whom he had murdered to dinner and the statue accepted his invitation and dragged him down to hell. A fine romantic and moralistic tale, but the truth is that Don Juan endured his own hell on Earth for 36 years before finally being released by death at the age of 72.

In the sixteen years which he had spent in Seville, Don Juan had made many enemies, mostly cuckolded husbands. Though he preferred seducing and deflowering young virgins, he would never reject an attractive married woman, many of whom found him vastly more attractive than their husbands.

Don Juan de Marana was hypnotically charming, exceptionally handsome, and very well-endowed, though not uncomfortably so. His sexual prowess was the stuff of legend. Even nymphomaniacs found it impossible to exhaust him. He would leave a woman utterly spent....and begging for more. Men considered his reputation greatly exaggerated. Women knew better.

Even if a man knew for certain that Don Juan was having an affair with his wife, he was unlikely to confront the young grandee over it. Don Juan was unarguably the best swordsman in Seville, probably in all of Spain.

Among his bitterest enemies, therefore, were cuckolded husbands who knew very well that they were cuckolds. Every one of them plotted revenge against Don Juan, but none dared attempt it alone or knew who the others were . Gradually, however, some of them did become acquainted and learned of their common grudge.

Don Juan relied heavily upon the espionage abilities of his manservant, an Italian named Amilcare Leporello to keep him appraised of the doings and attitudes of the husbands of his various women, both to ascertain if the husband was aware that his wife was unfaithful and whether it appeared that he might try to do something about it.

Leporello kept watch outside the house during his master's romantic esacapades and spied on the master of the house afterward. If there was danger of interruption by a husband or father, Leporello played the role of a drunkard singing in the street outside to warn Don Juan.

As he could watch only one cuckold at a time, Leporello was unaware of a cabal of outraged husbands which had met several times to hatch a suitable plan to be avenged on Don Juan. Even so, there had been much talk but nothing decided. All of this was to change, however, with the arrival in Seville of an old flame of Don Juan's from Burgos whom he had abandoned after promising to marry her.

Doña Elvira de Burgos had promised to cut out Don Juan's heart if he did not return to her and carry out his promise to marry her. Leporello, of course, soon discovered that she had come to Seville seeking blood or marriage. He reported this to Don Juan and asked what he intended to do about it. "You are going to do something about it, Leporello. Dissuade her from wanting to marry me. Tell her anything unfavorable about me that you can think of, even the truth !"

Leporello was known to Doña Elvira, and she might listen to him, especially if she thought that he was disgruntled about his service to Don Juan. On the other hand, Leporello welcomed the opportunity to visit Doña Elvira because it would give him an opportunity to resume his seduction of her chambermaid, Zerbinetta, which had been so rudely interrupted by Don Juan's precipitate flight from Burgos.

Leporello decided that nothing could be more unfavorable to Don Juan than the truth and, therefore, took with him the diary of his sevice to the dissolute young grandee which he had kept for ten years.

In his own lower-class way, Leporello could be just as charming as his master, and had wormed his way into Doña Elvira's good graces back in Burgos. He was, therefore not at all surprised when she had him invited into the house which she had rented.

She smiled upon him and asked "Well, Leporello, have you been well ?" "Yes, very much so, Doña Elvira, and you ?" "As well has one can be who has been wounded to the heart by a viper." she replied " And that scamp of a master of yours, he is well ?" "Considering the dissolute life that he lives," answered Leporello, "his health is astonishing ."

"Dissolute ?" asked Doña Elvira in some surprise. "Up to his old tricks, Señora: a new woman every night and over half of them married. His pursuit of women of all degrees and all sorts has been unremitting since early youth. This far from small notebook lists them all. In Italy, 640; in

"Perfidious monster!" shrieked Doña Elvira. "He swore that he had never loved another woman before me, that he had come to me as a virgin." "HAH !" bellowed Leporello "Pardon my mirth, Madama, but the sheer brazen gall of his daring to say such a thing makes me laugh out of sheer incredulity.

Don Juan often defends his "honor" with the sword, but daily sullies it with , er,.......another weapon." "You seem displeased with your service of this master, Leporello." "That, Madama, is an understatement . Day and night I weary myself in his service, Rain and wind I endure. Poorly rested and poorly fed, yet do I get any thanks for it ? He throws some ducats at me and thinks that that is thanks enough."

"This scoundrel of a master of yours has done me an ill turn. Let him not be surprised if I requite him in like fashion." "Whatever it may be, I am sure that 'twill be no worse than he deserves, Señora." "Adios, then, Leporello and muchas gracias." "Adios, Señora."

When Leporello returned and told Don Juan of his visit to Doña Elvira, Don Juan laughed heartily . "Well done, Leporello. That ought to get her off my neck." "She means you ill, though, master. Watch out for her." "Hah ! woman is fickle, like a shifting wind, soft of speech...... and of mind. I've had her and any time I want her in my bed again, all I have to do is crook my little finger."

Doña Elvira , chatting with the Countess Almaviva mentioned Don Juan's perfidy, and, her tongue rather loosened by a glass of oloroso sherry, even quoted Leporello's statistics. "Surely this is masculine exaggeration." said Rosina [the Countess] . " Anyhow, so do they all. You may be sure that the Count is no monk." Rosina, however, did not hesitate to spread the word about Don Juan and mention the source of her information.

Thus the conspirators learned of a possible ally who might help them bring retribution to Don Juan.The elderly grandee, Don Emilio del Toboso called on Doña Elvira, both as a social call and after sounding her out about her feelings toward Don Juan to ask her to meet with others of like mind at his palace.

Don Juan had not bothered to have Leporello keep an eye on Doña Elvira's activities. So, he was unaware that Doña Elvira had met with five men who intended to inflict a most grievous revenge upon him. The plan was for Doña Elvira to appear to have forgiven Don Juan and still to be smitten with love for him.

When he had fallen asleep post coitum, she was to give a signal for them to fall upon him and do the deed. The exact nature of the punishment which they had in mind they would not divulge to her, though they assured her that it was their intention that he should survive and live a long unhappy life afterward.

Leporello, to send him a note asking him to meet her in the square and also mentioning that Doña Elvira had forgiven Don Juan and was

This would assure that, if Don Juan did visit Doña Elvira, Leporello would not be there to stand guard. Don Juan was flattered that, even after learning the nasty truth about him, Doña Elvira was still mad about him. He could not resist such an appeal. Don Juan sent her a note by way of Leporello suggesting that she leave the lattice of her bedroom window open. This also gave Leporello a chance to assure Zerbinetta that he would meet her in the square. Doña Elvira replied (also via Leporello) that she would expect Don Juan at the tenth hour. She sent a note to the same effect to Don Emilio del Toboso.

At the chime of the bell in the great bell tower for the half-hour after the ninth hour. Don Juan and Leporello parted at his door. Don Juan knew well the house which Doña Elvira had rented. He had climbed to the balcony outside the lady's bedroom window before the present owner of the house had been made a widow by his sword. Don Juan scrambled up vines and architectural ornaments to the balcony and into the bedroom where Doña Elvira awaited him nude under a sheet.

His doublet, shirt, hose, and shoes were off in less time than it takes to tell of it. However, eager he might be, though, Don Juan knew well the value of foreplay and controlled himself while arousing Doña Elvira to such a frenzy of passion that almost she regretted agreeing to betray him to the five cuckolds.

The conspirators had a long wait. That should not have surprised them for Don Juan's sexual prowess was legendary as their wives could , no doubt, attest. He gave the clitoris no rest, constantly stimulating it either with the glans penis or, while the entire 10 2/3 digitæ [eight inches] of his miembro viril was couched within her, with his index finger. Skilfully, he varied the depth and frequency of his thrusts always introducing an element of unpredictability.

Don Juan was as skilled with his tongue as with his miembro viril. No woman whom he had ever kissed ever forgot the experience. His tongue and the edges of his teeth, applied gently and subtly to the nipples and areoles of Doña Elvira's breasts drove her wild. Doña Elvira was especially skilled in the use of her vaginal muscles, relaxing during the thrusts and tightening them upon withdrawal, so that it felt as if her vagina was sucking his member.

It was an unforgettable sexual experience for both of them, but finally, with a satiated smile upon his lips, Don Juan dropped off into deep slumber. Doña Elvira rose silently, went out onto the balcony and rang a small bell. She had left the door to the garden unlocked and, through it, the five conspirators, cloaked and masked in black, entered the house.

Entering the bedroom, they drew off the sheet which Doña Elvira had thrown over Don Juan's naked form. Four of the men seized him by his arms and legs. Of course, exhausted as he was, though Don Juan struggled, it was to no avail. They had only to hold him for a moment, just long enough for the fifth man to take ahold of Don Juan's miembro viril with his left hand and, with one slash of his dagger, cut it off flush with his belly. His cojones were left to maintain the fire of his lust which he could never again satisfy.

Too late to help, Leporello returned from his tryst with Zerbinetta in time to see five men run from the house and hear Don Giovanni's anguished cries. Grief stricken at what she had helped them do, Doña Elvira was sobbing uncontrollably. Leporello ran to the nearby house of Figaro Bartolo, a barber of quality and the best in the city. [NOTE: in the seveteenth century, physicians considered the messy business of surgery to be beneath their dignity, and it was generally left to barbers.]

Figaro paused only long enough to gather his instruments and a special catheter which his father Dr. Francisco Bartolo had designed for just such cases as this. It took a while to blow up the fire in his charcoal brazier to heat the cautery . While waiting for it, he washed the stump of Don Juan's member with strong vinegar and then inserted the catheter which had a bulb at the end to be inserted, so that the tissues could be sewn together around it and it could not come out again. The cautery was curved downward through an angle of about 135º to facilitate passage of urine in a more-or-less natural manner.

Figaro carefully stitched the tissues around the catheter and then , after cutting away the pubic hair which would interfere with healing he cauterised the stump of the miembro viril as close to the catheter as he could without burning the stitches. To stop the bleeding from razor cuts, Figaro had long used an astringent made from zinc dissolved in strong vinegar this he applied wherever there was bleeding. It was quite effective, as he had always found it to be.

Figaro had his own servants bring his litter and in it carefully carry Don Juan back to his own house, promising to send his father, Dr. Bartolo in the morning to treat Don Juan for inflammation and fever, if any.

Thus, at the age of 36, the greatest lover in the world was deprived of the means to make love to any woman ever again, but left with the burning passion to do so. The five cuckolded husbands spread the story of Don Juan's mutilation and quickly he became a laughing-stock among the menfolk. The women, on the other hand, were nearly as heartbroken as Don Juan himself.

Don Juan returned to his ancestral home at Marana and went into seclusion. Little is known of his later life. It has been said that he went mad, but it has also been said that he joined a monastery. Neither can be confirmed. All that is certain is that he died at the age of 72.