Have you ever taken a really hard pop in your nuts? I don’t mean the playful little raps that horny junior high school boys give each other while exploring their newfound sexuality, I mean the kind that drops you instantly to the ground in a puddle of your own puke, hands clutched to your guts, desperately trying to breathe. I’m taking about the kind of kick Lou Gossett gave Richard Gere, or the full frontal kick from Butch Cassidy. You don’t ever forget that kind of assault to your balls. Even if you don’t have them anymore.

I was a junior in high school the first time I really got nailed. I was on the wresting team and was in great shape and I knew it. I was dating this girl---no sex yet, just dating--- from the other side of town and we were in a drive-in eating when a couple of guys started flicking me shit about dating a girl from their school. I knew one of the guys; he was also a wrestler, heavier than me, and not very good. I knew damned good and well that I could take him so I told him to ‘bite me’, which in that time meant to suck my cock.

He got all pissed off and jammed the door of his old piece of shit Ford open against the side of my mom’s almost new Pontiac. I came out of the car mad as hell and was fixing to clean his fucking clock for him when he kicked me square in the balls. I didn’t even see it coming. I was down and out of it right there. The guy left and my date decided to walk home. The manager came out, stuffed me into my car, and drove me off of his parking lot. I couldn’t even stand up straight for about two hours. I finally made it home and the next morning my nuts were the size of grapefruits. I couldn’t wrestle for a month and was dropped from the team. I vowed to get even with the bastard but he got killed in Nam before I ever got the chance. I like to think he got his balls shot off.

It took a long time to heal from that kick, and I shot bloody jizz for two months, but the real damage was to my head. Every time I got into a tense or antagonistic situation one hand would automatically go to my balls to protect them. I lost a couple of street fights because of that but none of them resulted in me taking another kick. That came later, and from a direction I never would have foreseen.

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Rudy was my roommate in college. We were both freshmen, unmarried of course, and policy demanded that all unmarried freshmen reside in the dorms. There was some agency that supposedly matched up roommates based on a compatibility questionnaire that we all had to fill out. I was a smoker---that was allowed in dorms and classrooms in 1970---- Rudy wasn’t. I was a business major, he was engineering. My eight track tapes were mostly rock while his records were all country and western. I was straight, I never figured out just what the hell he really was.

This was before coed dorms, and things were a little bit fruity. There was a dress code that dictated that clothing must be worn at all times but we weren’t that fussy. We usually went bare ass naked between our rooms and the common bathrooms. The showers were very damp and any towels or clothing left there would immediately be soggy, so everyone but the fat asses and dinky-dicks went around the hallways nude.

Rudy wasn’t openly gay; he dated and I know he scored occasionally, but he had some disturbing habits. He always looked at guys from the waist downwards, and he spent a lot of time in the hallway every morning satisfying his curiosity. We had a policy between us to allow each of us a few minutes privacy in our room every day. I, like most of the other freshmen, naturally used mine to jack off, but Rudy viewed that as a public activity. I awoke to the sounds of his bed springs squeaking most every morning. He was also prone to making remarks like ‘you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours’, which of course could have been taken as a come-on.

He had a sister who was a senior in high school and very shy. I would be doing him a big favor, he said, if I would take her out on a date. I agreed, and she came up to the college on a family visitor’s pass and camped out in one of the women’s dorms. Rudy didn’t say “ please take my sister out and fuck the snot out of her”, but he did slip me the key and address of another student’s apartment and told us it would be empty all weekend, and to “please leave the sheets in the washing machine.”

Miriam was a bit young and gushy, as most high school kids are when around big, strong, macho college men like myself, but she was smart, witty, and good looking. It was hard to believe that she was shy. We went out for a pizza and beer---Idaho let eighteen year olds drink beer in taverns back then, but they couldn’t buy it to go---and then went in search of the apartment. There wasn’t any real doubt about what was going to happen: She wanted to get laid and I was willing to help her out. The surprise came the next morning when I looked up from the bed and spotted the small surveillance camera that had recently been installed. It even had Rudy’s name and driver’s license number etched into the case.

I confronted Rudy and he didn’t even bother to deny it. He wanted his sister to know what sex with a real man was like and he figured that I was the right one. He didn’t have an explanation as to why he felt obligated to film the action.

I should have pulled the plug right then and demanded a new room assignment, but I was too fucking dumb or full of myself or something, anyway the next morning I saw the camera again, this time in our dorm room. I was tied up spread eagle to some eyebolts he had screwed in the floor, and the camera was aimed right at me. Rudy made a big production out of cutting my skivvies off of me with a big knife, and then messing around sticking it in the floor between my legs while he tied a stout cord around my scrotum and stretched it tight to another eyebolt between my feet. I was so focused on the knife and what he might do to me with it that I never even noticed the six foot long piece of railroad track that was balanced against the wall until he tipped it towards me. Rudy was an engineering major and it had planned it all out very carefully. Mass, velocity, impact, etc, he had it all down to exactly what it took to crush human testicles.

The first sensation was of shock, which quickly gave way to total, all encompassing pain. I pulled the eyebolts from the floor with my exertions, and the paramedics had to sedate me to release my muscles enough to secure my arms to the gurney. I was in the hospital for a month and when I came out I was officially nutless. Rudy was judged insane and sentenced to an institution somewhere.

I can’t bear to watch a guy get busted now. It brings a sickness to my belly, and the balls I lost so long ago protest in spasms of phantom pain, just like those experienced by amputees.