Shanghai High
By: Classy Bitch

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[PENECTOMY] [TESTICLES] [Oriental and Organic]

Losing his trophy wives, a friend’s safaris evolve from matrimonial to culinary.


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After his seventh divorce, after seven nuptial vacations from sex, after his seven-inch itch had remained un-scratched for so long, M needed a vacation for sex.

He writes a mouth-watering tale from the mouth of the Yangtze:

“C, I see you received the samurai sword I sent from hentai-sex-crazed Japan as I cross the orient. It looks good adorning your avatar back side, but then again your sexy back side has welcomed sword presents from me before, including the special one I am especially attached to.

“Well, this is not to reminisce but to tell you about finally making it to mainland China after the long laying and layover in Thailand. I did receive your email of the Chinese castration stories that you had a hard time reading and I will have them translated in all their subtle pornographic nuances and sent to back to you.

“Just as Chinese medicine is ancient and works superbly, Chinese aphrodisiacs are ancient as well and they work better and more naturally than Viagra, Levitra and Cialis combined. The not-so-secret secret ingredients are soups that include phallic parts from animals of all sizes. Tiger penis soup is the second most effective and it is super expensive and extremely hard to find the genuine article, but I have my sources as you know.

“By separate email I have sent you the name of, and clandestine directions to, the one Chinese store in New York City that can get you the real deal, not the usual shop in America that substitutes deer tendons and tells you it is tiger. You will have to print out the two Chinese symbols in the email, so when you knock on the subterranean shop door and show them through the peep hole they will let you in.

“Of course, the most effective and most rare of penis soups is the human penis soup. I am in search of that and expect to succeed soon. I have a new shemale traveling companion who I bought, well leased, from Thailand on the way through. Her ass will be pounded like crazy after I find my next crazy cock soup. She is ready and willing and almost as excited as I am about our adventures.

“Don’t worry, I will not be getting married again anytime soon.

“I cannot give you full details about my hunt for human penis soup because if I find it I do not want it to become a tourist Mecca. From what I hear, there is a monastery of Chinese eunuchs who have been practicing a special no-phallus no-scrotum religion for millennia. You can see the iconic photograph of a castrated monk online if you search Cartier-Bresson and Chinese eunuch.

“Turns out the monastery keeps monetarily solvent by selling off the off’d parts. The soups are made from these. My mouth is salivating and my own penis is pre-cum dripping over the prospects. For now, here are two culinary notes from the English menu at a penis palace I recently visited in Shanghai:

Strong like a bull is a phrase that attracts some lovers to this four-legged mammal with a notorious temper. In areas of Southeast Asia, a soup composed of onions, carrots, broth and bull’s penis and testicles is a popular dish noted for its aphrodisiac properties. The parts in question are given a good scrubbing and scalded in boiling water for good measure before winding up in an aromatic soup loaded with vegetables. Unlike some truly wild aphrodisiacs that are potentially harmful, bull’s soup is pretty tame by any stretch of the imagination. And while ostrich testicles are said to be tasty, they fall short in the bedroom when compared to the hardy bull variety.

There are many penis soups out there but this is by far one of the most rare and expensive. Tiger Penis Soup has been around for centuries in Asian cultures, known for its almost mythical properties akin to Viagra. The dried tiger penis is soaked in water for a week and then simmered up to 24 hours with other spices and medicines, at times with tiger bone. A single bowl of soup can cost you up to $4,000. Tigers are an endangered species and protected, yet many Asian markets still carry tiger parts in their shops. A recent survey of New York’s Chinatown revealed that 60 percent of the shops claimed to carry tiger parts. If you do decide to buy some tiger penis make sure it is legit, shady shop owners often substitute ox or deer tendons for the real thing.

“I sign off by tickling my palate on the tiger penis soup just described. My companion said she wants to be ball-less and cock-less herself someday soon. I have a feeling that when we get to the monastery that someday soon will come sooner than she thought. She does have good taste and will likely taste incredibly good as well.”

When I hear more from M, EA readers will know first.

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