Juhan couldn’t bring himself to pick up Oskar’s balls, even though he’d promised to throw them down a drain. He shined the light on them. They had spilled out of their sac, two oblong eggs with string like cords attached to them.

Can they reattach balls? He doubted it.

“I’m going to call an ambulance.”

Oskar’s eyes were rolled back in his head; only the whites showed at the bottom. He didn’t answer; but he was alive. He panted - short, quick, breaths.

Juhan ran out to a phone on the corner and called Emergency.

The hospital was just blocks away; the ambulance arrived within minutes. Still, it had been a good twenty minutes since Jonny had cut off Oskar’s balls. He had lost a lot of blood. One of the medics started a transfusion of plasma before taking Oskar to the ambulance.

Juhan stayed behind to tell the police about how they’d been waylaid by some older boys wearing ski masks.

“I don’t know who they were. I didn’t recognize any of them. Poor Oskar. They cut off his…”

Puke down his front and crying, Juhan was obviously distressed. The officer patted his shoulder.

“I know – I know. It’s a shame; but you saved his life. If we had got to him any later, he would have bled to death.”

The medic had told him the boy would likely live.

Oskar awoke in the emergency room. A doctor was bent over his groin. When he tried to raise up to look, a nurse pushed him back. Bending over him, she smiled.

“Easy. The doctor has some stitching to do. He’s almost through.”

“What about my…”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re going to be OK?”

“Did they find it?”

“No.”

Apparently, she knew he was talking about his dick.

“But they can make you a new one someday. They can do that, you know.”

Not if I can help it.

God! It had hurt. He ached deep inside him, but he didn’t hurt like before. If the doctor was stitching him, he had probably used a local anesthetic.

If Oskar had known how much it would hurt, he probably wouldn’t have gone through with it. Did it hurt Eli, when hers – his – were cut off? Should he still think of Eli as a girl? He was just like her, wasn’t he, and he still thought of himself as a boy – even if he weren’t one any longer.

I’m no longer a boy. I don’t have a dick; I don’t have balls.

When they took him to his room, his mother was waiting.

“My poor baby – my poor baby; who did this to you?”

“I don’t know. They had on ski masks.”

“What about Juhan? Did he have anything to do with it?”

“No, he saved my life.”

He repeated the same story to the cops, when they came.

The next day, at his request, they let Juhan come to see him. Saturday, there was no school.

Pulling back the covers, he showed Juhan. A bandage covered his groin; a catheter ran from it to a jar off the end of the bed. The clear plastic catheter showed traces of yellow urine.

“Does it hurt?”

“It’s sore, but they give me some pain pills, and it’s not too bad.”

“You sure screamed.”

“It fucking hurt. If you ever have your nuts cut off – that hurt the worst – be sure they put you out first.”

“No one’s cutting off my nuts. Are you glad you did it?”

“Yeah.”

“Even though it hurt?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you feel different?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…it’s not like you’re a boy anymore. You don’t have a dick or balls.”

“It feels like it’s still there. I felt like I had a hard on this morning. The doctor said part of my dick is still below the skin and that can get hard.”

“That’s fucking weird – to have a hard on and not be able to grab your dick or jack off.”

“I haven’t felt much like jacking off. I’m too sore down there.”

“Jesus Christ, Oskar. I can’t believe you really did it.”

“If you don’t believe it, look.”

Oskar held up the sheet again.

“That’s not what I mean. Hell, I watched him cut them off. It’s just that I can’t believe you would actually go through with it. Are you going to tell anyone Jonny did it?”

“No.”

“Why not? Jonny’s a jerk. You don’t like him.”

“You’d get in trouble, and I’d probably spend months seeing a shrink. They’re going to make me see one, as it is. I don’t want everyone to know I wanted them cut off. Everyone thinks I’m weird already.”

“You are weird, Oskar. You just had Jonny cut off your dick and balls. How weird is that?”

“Are you going to tell anyone?”

No! I don’t want to get in trouble. I’d be some kind of accessory or something. I’d probably get in as much trouble as Jonny.”

“Did it turn you on to watch?”

“I was turned on, until I saw all the blood; then, I threw up.”

“I saw you jack off.”

“That was before. Everyone jacked off; you jacked off. What was it like sucking Jonny’s cock?”

“OK, I guess. I like yours better. His is too big. I couldn’t get it all into my mouth. I kind of liked the way yours slid down my throat.”

“I fucking liked it. Think you’ll want to do it again?”

“I don’t know. We’ll have to wait and see I guess. I won’t have balls. That might change how I feel about it.”

And what Eli thought would matter. He’d tell her about Juhan, about how he’d sucked Juhan’s cock. Would she care? He wasn’t certain one way or the other. Was Eli the jealous type? He was, as far as Eli was concerned, but maybe not having balls would change that.