Last year in school they showed us a nature film about a pack of wild wolves.  There was this one wolf in particular that was sort of the boss of all the other wolves in his pack.  He didn't fight with the other wolves, he didn't have to.  All the other wolves would back down when he put up his hair and they let him eat first or lead the hunt or whatever.  The guy who was narrating the film said the boss wolf was the "Alpha Male".  I wanted to know what the heck an Alpha Male was so I looked it up in the class room dictionary.  This is what it said;

1) DOMINANT MALE ANIMAL:  A male in a pack of animals that other members submit to and follow and that takes priority in mating.

Takes priority in mating?  Let's not kid ourselves.  When the dictionary says that what they really mean is that the Alpha Male is the one who gets to f*** the most.

So who told the wolf in the nature film that he was an Alpha Male?  No one!   He just knew that that's what he was born for.  That's the way it is for me.  You see I was born not just to be a male but to be an Alpha Male.  It's in my DNA.  I can't help it.  Some are born to lead while others are born to follow.   If you don't know what I mean don't worry about it.  This is something that only another Alpha Male could understand and any Alpha Male would know about it without anyone having to explane.  It's sort of like a "Law of the Jungle" thing.  Sort of like the age old question, "Who died and made you Darth Vader?"

My cousin Kelly is a great guy and all that but because I'm what I am and he's what he is I can't help but push him around from time to time.  You see Kelly is a Nullo.  He didn't ask to be fixed or anything, they just did him.  He can't help the way he is.

Anyway I guess I pushed Kelly a little too hard and he left the house mad after pulling on his shorts and a T-shirt.  I figured I'd just give him time to cool off and he'd come back.   But after a few hours there was still no Kelly.  I started to get worried.  Not only is Kelly a Nullo he is also a country kid, a farm kid, and so not really suited to city life.  Well I guess I'll have to admit that Santa Cruz isn't really much of a "city" but still anything could happen to him.  Boys could take advantage of him.  They could have their way with him if you know what I mean.  Boys are like that!  I should know, I am one.

The first place I went looking was the Boardwalk.  I didn't see him but I did see Steven who is one of my friends.

"Steven," I asked in an innocent manner not wanting to admit that anything was wrong or that Kelly and I had just had a fight that morning, "You haven't seen Kelly around have you?"

"Sure I saw him about an hour ago with Craig," Steven replied.

"Did you see where they were going?" I asked and again I didn't want to seem like I cared too much.

"I think they might have gone back to Craig's place."

Not good, I thought.  Oh I was happy that I was on Kelly's trail but I didn't trust Craig, not for a second.  I was sure that Craig was running some sort of scam and that Kelly was falling for it.  Craig claimed that he wanted to have his genitals nullified.  Don't get me wrong I would just LOVE to see Craig fixed.  Craig as a eunuch would be too good to be true.  I'd really have fun with that. But I was sure Craig was lying about wanting to have himself fixed.  He couldn't be serious.  After all, what boy would be willing to submit to castration let alone nullification?  

Oh sure just like some of the other boys I've been told of all the "good" reasons I might want to be fixed;  never having to worry about getting kicked in the balls again, never worry about getting a bad case of jock itch, never worry about shaving or zitts, never worry about wet dreams or uncontrollable erections, never have to worry about knocking up Betty-Sue next door or turning into a sex crazy nut case, never have to worry about your voice changing.

Sure I guess it might be nice not having to worry about all that but just stop and think.  All those things combined are not worth losing your package for.    Not being able to f***!  Not ever!  Not being a man.  Not even being male.  I'd rather die then let them "fix" me!

Anyway I huried over to Craig's house but when I got there I didn't ring the door bell.  Instead I snuck around to the backyard and peaked into Craig's bedroom window.  It was just had I had feared.  I saw Kelly and Craig on the floor both stark naked.  

It was all so clear to me now.  Craig must have told Kelly that he wanted to see what it was like to f*** just once before he lost his genitals.  Kelly being a good kid would agree.  That would be the only reason for Kelly letting Craig screw him since I was the one Kelly loved.  Then after Craig had finished he's say something like, "Gee I had no idea f***ing felt so good as a boy.  I guess I'll stay a boy and forget all about my castration."  Leave it to a kid like Craig to pull such a stunt!

Kelly was on his belly with his knees tucked under him proping his butt up for easy access.  He was facing away from the window which was good as he hadn't seen me.  Craig was fondeling Kelly's empty crotch savering the moment before he mounted the nullo.  Before he mounted MY nullo!  Craig positioned himself behind Kelly and as he did so I could see the glisten of liquid on Craig's erect penis.  It was spit, Kelly's spit.  Before I arrived Craig had forced Kelly to suck him!  Now he was using Kelly's own spit to ease his penetration into my eunuch!

I wanted to yell out and order them to stop but if I did how would I explain my presents at the window?  I was spying, how could I explain that away?  All I could do was watch in silence.  It was torture.  Craig went into Kelly with out any trouble at all which surprised me.  When ever I entered Kelly he always squirmed around a bit with pain and I had to settle him down before going to work on him. 

Craig started to thrust in and out and my dick got so hard it hurt.  I wished that I was the one doing Kelly.  I knew I could do a better job of it than Craig.  Then I realized that if not for that stupid and pointless fight I had with Kelly that morning I would be doing him.  This was all my fault.  It was my fault Craig was humping Kelly.  That made me feel like s***.  I comforted myself with the knowledge that Craig would soon be losing his boyhood and with any luck I'd be there to see it happen.

But I noticed something very odd.  Kelly was moaning and thrashing about and carrying on like he had never been f***ed before.  It looked like he was about to go out of his mind with ecstasy.  If I didn't know better I would have said that he enjoyed being done by Craig more then he did by me.

After they finished they collapsed onto each other and then rolled onto their backs.  I ducked below the window sill so as to not be seen and listened.  For a long time there was only silence as they both tried to catch their breath.  Kelly was the first to speak,  "That was so so awesome!  Craig I love you."

"I love you too,"  Craig replied.  What a sap!

Then Kelly said, "Craig I'm always finding out that eunuchs are so very different from men and boys.  It seems I learn something new about myself an eunuchs everyday.  When a man or a boy is in love he is always very jealous of his lover.  But I'm not jealous, not at all.  I guess eunuchs don't get jealous."

"What do you mean?" Craig asked.  Yes Kelly, what do you mean, I wondered.

"Well," Kelly replied.  "Before they cut you I want you to do my best friend Dominic.  I want him to know what it's like to be loved by a boy.  I wish I could do it to him myself but since I'm not a boy I can't.  But I want him to have the same pleasure you have given me."

"What about Josh?"  Craig asked.  "Josh is like super cute.  All the girls say he could win any Arron Carter look alike contest and they are right.  Wouldn't you like to have him do Dominic?"

Kelly replied, "Well Josh is a beautiful boy and all that but now that I've had him and I've had you as well I know what they mean when they say, 'Once you have had caviar why go back to peanut butter?'"  At that they both laughted like idiots.  Their laughter wounded me to the very core.  I guess you could say it broke my heart.

I walked home as if on autopilot, so numb to the world that I quite easily could have been hit by a car and killed.  At that point I wouldn't have minded if I was.  This must be how ghosts feel, I thought.  Still moving around but no longer alive, not really.

When I reached home I saw that my mom was just getting back from work.  "Hi honey," she said.  "Where is Kelly?"

"Sill out," was all I said.

"Well when he returns lets all go out for pizza."

"Sure," I said listlessly.  "That would be great."

"Joshy honey, what's wrong?" she asked looking really concerned.  "It's not like you to be so indifferent to pizza."

"Oh I don't know," I said.  "I was just wondering if maybe I should think about being nullified."  It just sliped out with out me really thinking about it.

"What?" she asked.  I could see that a part of her was pleased.  I think she always wanted a eunuch rather than a son.  But she was also very concerned.  She didn't know what had brought about this change in me.

"Joshy if that's what you'd like we will have it done.  By why he change of heart?  You were once so dead set on staying a boy.  Are you sure this is what you really want?"

"Of course I'm NOT sure it's what I want!"  I yelled.  "I keep wondering how I'll feel when I look at myself naked in a full length mirror and see that I'm smooth between the legs!  I wonder how it will feel when I put my hand down there!  I wonder what it will be like in the locker room showering with boys but not being a boy myself.  Most of all I wonder about sex.  Will I be able to please a girl with out my dick?  How will I like being mounted by a guy?   Geez mom how do you think this makes me feel?  No boy should have to tell his mom stuff like this."

After saying that I threw myself down on the sofa and started to cry uncontrollably.  Maybe it would have been easier if I had a dad to talk with about this.  Maybe not.  Maybe these were feelings no one could put into words.

Mom sat down on the sofa next to me and started to gently rub my back.  It felt good.  It felt very good.  I knew she loved me and would continue to love me no matter what.  I shouldn't be taking my anger out on her.  "Joshy sweetheart," she said.  "If you feel that way about it why have it done?  Why not stay a boy?"

Between sobs I managed to say, "You wouldn't understand mom."
 
"Try me.  I might understand after all," she said.

"Well sometimes it's hard to have genitals and be a boy," I said.   "If you have them you have to use them but when you do everything gets so complicated and messed up.  If you have a dick you can't just forget about it.  It's always there and you have to take care of it.  After a while your dick and balls start to run your life and you lose control of everything.  You lose control of how you act and even how you feel.  My life would be so much easier with them gone and forgotten."  Then I sat up and she held me the way she did when I was a little kid.  It felt good to be held that way.  I felt safe in her arms.

"Don't worry darling," she said.  "I do understand and I'm sure you'll feel better after we have you fixed.  I know you'll be very brave."

[TO BE CONTINUED]

Dear Friends

Please keep the cards and letters comming.  I enjoy reading them all.

Timothy