An Innocent Man

by

Kortpeel

_________________________________________________________________

Jim came home looking shaken. “Christ, Kate. It happened again today.”

“You didn’t actually …?”

“No but I was going to. I would have done if … “ A look of despair and self loathing came over Jim. One that I’d seen many times before and it was getting more frequent.

“Kate, would you stay with me if I did go for the option?” The option was to have his testicles removed. Without a sex drive he would no longer be tempted.

Jim was a paedophile. Or rather he had paedophile longings. He’d never actually assaulted any of the little girls that he lusted after so strongly but he knew it was only a matter of time.

The only thing that had stopped him from doing so already was that he was also a decent man. Part of him was appalled at what he so desperately yearned for. He’d gone for counselling. That was how I met him. I was there for post rehab support for my crack addiction.

One thing’s for sure: having touched the bottom as a result of crack, you are in no position to be censorious about other people’s weaknesses. Jim and I became friends out of mutual need. More than a few times he’s saved me from a relapse. I didn’t appreciate it much at the time, but later I certainly did. The first time, he told me afterwards, I’d fought him with a man’s strength. I’d scratched him so badly on his face, arms and shoulders that he’d needed treatment. Later I would steal things from him and sell them in order to buy crack. Once I was just lighting up when he caught me and dashed it from my hands. Another time I was paying for the stuff when he came screaming up in his car and knocked over the dealer.

I’d been clean for about five years by this stage and was just about able to resist the siren song to re-enter that dark wonderful world of crack-induced fantasy. That was mainly because my life was ok and Jim was in it but I would be an addict until my moment of death and I could never relax. Crack messes your brain and I knew all too well how it could suddenly seem a brilliantly irresistible idea to go and get a fix.

For my part I was able to help Jim deal with his problem. I saw to it that he got a frequent release and never built up a head. I was there whenever he wanted to talk about it. When we first met I was 19 and had a skinny beanpole figure. Crack kills the appetite and I’d been going days at a time without food. My superficial resemblance to a little girl had been attractive to Jim and I was the nearest he’d ever been to realising his fantasies. I see now from photographs that I looked like a corpse in those days so heaven knows what Jim thought he was looking at.

Jim’s self-loathing had on occasion caused him to contemplate suicide. He’s told me that he would have done but for me. I’ve always tried to make him see that his taste for little girls is probably something he was born with. It isn’t a moral flaw. Same as some guys are gay. Being gay is the way those guys are made and while it may not make for an easy life in a predominantly straight world it is nothing to apologise for. At least they have the support of other gays and are a community in their own right. Poor Jim has only me and a tower of strength I most certainly am not.

Knowing that I need him has also helped Jim. He can see the inevitable path if he ever gave in to his longings. Arrest, public shame and humiliation and then jail. I’d be on my own and I’d almost certainly lapse. Jim knows that. It’s saved him more than once. Trouble is the temptation is always there. He’s changed his job to teaching at an all-boys school. Little boys are safe enough. Snag is little girls do like him. They seem to see him as a cross between an uncle and a big brother, a nice friendly grown up who makes them laugh and who understands them. It’s safe enough if anyone else is around but there are some precocious little cats who lead him on. We both knew that Jim would fall victim to the standing prick syndrome if one of them ever got time alone with him.

We were living together. We slept together and occasionally even had sex. Sex is not all that important to either of us. Crack kills the libido. In the five years I’ve been clean I have never particularly wanted sex. I enjoy it because I enjoy helping Jim, not for its own sake. Normally I am happy to bring Jim off by hand or mouth. I don’t mind giving him a blow job. I got used to oral sex when I was on crack. It was an easy way to finance the habit when I couldn’t hold down a job. Which is one very good reason not to get addicted to it. There were plenty of days when sperm was the only thing I swallowed.

When Jim was at counselling, castration was a much discussed option. Opinions varied, some were for it more than others but at least Jim knew what to expect if he did go that route. For my part the main need was to keep Jim around and I didn’t really mind whether he was a man or a eunuch.

The incident that had shaken Jim that day was the parents of a potential new boy had brought their daughter, aged 8 to the school as well as their son. Jim had been detailed to look after the little girl and it was like asking the fox to look after the chicken. As usual the eight year old had liked Jim and was quite happy to be with him. At the end she gave him a big hug and Jim had to hope that no-one noticed the bulge in his pants.

“Yes Jim. I will stay with if you go for the option. But don’t rush into it. Remember it’s for keeps.”

“Yeah. Pity you can’t just unplug ‘em and plug ‘em in again.”

By this stage Jim and I had a fairly decent, respectable middle class lifestyle. Apart from Jim’s salary our business that Jim and I started and which I ran was doing well. We made plastic injection mouldings for customers with a few of our own products such as kitchenware. That was rolling along nicely. It amused me the way my relatives had welcomed me, the black sheep, back into the fold. It is easy enough to look down on a practising addict and even a reformed addict. But if the reformed addict has cash in the bank, no debts and an income several times your own it is oh so hard to look down on her.

It was Jim who’d made it possible and kept me clean. And apart from all that I really did love him. With or without his balls.

“If you do go for it, Jim, honey, will you stay with me?”

Leaving me hadn’t occurred to him. “Yes of course I will. Why ever shouldn’t I?

”Well a man with no balls doesn’t need a woman does he?”

“I’ll always need you Kate.” He gave me a cuddle which was exactly what I wanted.

“I think I will get castrated. It’s the only safe long term solution.”

He’d had such a fright with that eight-year-old he deleted the collection of kiddie porn from his hard drive that same evening. Then to be quite sure he reformatted the drive too and spent all evening until late reloading his regular software.

He came to bed and took a vaginal release, as we’d come to call it. I was half asleep and to begin with wasn’t too sure whether it was a lovely dream or for real. The subsequent pregnancy was real enough though.

We were both jittery of the awesome responsibility of parenthood. Neither of us felt worthy to be a parent. Then again abortion was an even worse option. At least we’d give our kid a chance at life.

Our wedding was a small affair. Just my mom, dad and little sister were there. I’d put all of them through hell during my dark days. They were so pleased to see me clean, happy and respectable. Mom cried buckets all through. Even my sister shed a tear or two. Afterwards we took them for dinner at the best restaurant in town. When I got mom on her own I told her about the baby and got her word not to say anything until next day. She nearly exploded trying to keep her promise but she did.

None of them knew about Jim’s weakness and we certainly kept that one a secret.

I was six months when we learnt that we were expecting a daughter. Jim knew at the same time that his balls were doomed. He got moody and quiet while he came to terms with it. He gave me a phone number and asked me to make the appointment.

Sister Allaway, on the telephone, explained that her licence to perform the procedure only permitted her to carry it out on people who had been referred by their Doctors. She put me on to a Jean Weathers, a psychiatrist whom she could recommend.

Dr. Weathers booked a consultation for both of us. I was obviously pregnant at that stage. Jim was a touch nervous. He went through his story all over again. He and I had discussed it a million times.

The doctor’s opinion was the same as mine. Paedophilia is a genetic thing and a man cannot be held responsible for his sexual orientation. He is responsible for what he does about it though. She seemed to respect Jim for never having done anything about it except for organising his life so that he avoided temptation.

“Do you find that prepubescent girls are drawn to you?” she asked Jim.

“Yes.” Jim was surprised at her insight. He hadn’t mentioned it as it might have sounded like he was bragging.

Dr. Weathers gave a sad little smile. “Hmm. How do you feel about it Kate?

“It’s up to Jim. I’ll accept whatever he decides. I want him with or without. I certainly don’t want him in prison.” And that was exactly how I felt. To me it was a shame that a man like Jim should need to be castrated. I was sure that if he ever were to commit an offence against a child it would be the little bitch’s own fault but I knew that would be no defence in court.

“If Jim does go this route there are a couple of things you ought to know. The option exists to freeze his sperm so that you can have more children if you want.”

I nodded. I’d read about it but had absolutely no idea how to go about it. Obviously Dr. Weathers did.

“The second thing is that Jim should take a base dose of testosterone just to keep him healthy. Otherwise complications might arise. And generally, you can restore the libido to intercourse level if you want. So when it’s just the two of you and no little girls are around, you can up the dose and get him back to his old self for a while.”

Jim and I both nodded.

“Personally, I have reservations about this.” Dr. Weathers seemed a shade uncertain. “Jim is a completely innocent man living a responsible life in a stable relationship. He certainly doesn’t deserve to be castrated. If it wasn’t for the fact that it’s at his own request, I wouldn’t sanction it for a second.”

“But it’s better than going to jail, surely?” Jim asked her.

“Of course it is, but in your case Jim, I think it’s an outside chance. If you were prison material you’d have been there by now.”

“I think I’ve just been lucky. Just that the circumstances have never arisen. I know …” Jim broke off there. He didn’t say he would if he could.

Dr. Weathers nodded. “Kate is right. It is your choice Jim. Meanwhile why not build up a credit balance at the sperm bank? Sister Allaway will organise it for you, the same one who does the procedure. Meanwhile I’ll authorise her to carry out the procedure.”

What happened next? I’ll let Jim told you as he told me, long afterwards.

* * *

What Kate has told you is accurate enough from her point of view. She doesn’t really go into the details of my obsession with little girls and their tight smooth little cunts. I know for a damned fact that if I ever got started I wouldn’t be able to stop. There are photographs of Kate by our bed taken when she was young. That’s the child I am with when we make love. Maybe it is sick and perverted but it’s great at the time. Afterwards, when I get my mind back again it’s a different matter.

You must know that anything to do with child molestation is the last unforgivable sin. Just read any press report on the subject. Meanwhile, Kate and I have build up a decent life between us. Kate has been to hell and back and I admire her for what she has made of herself. And she’s certainly kept me out of prison, probably saved me from self-extinction. I owe her.

So it had to be the cut for me. I had no option if I were to keep out of gaol.

I was too depressed and embarrassed to call Sister Allaway about the sperm bank thing. What the hell do you say? In end it was Kate who phoned. Turned out Dr. Weathers had already spoken to the Sister. Everything was organised and they were expecting me.

My appointment coincided with Kate’s gynae visit so I went on my own. Kate was all keen and happy and looking forward to motherhood and her fulfilment as a woman. I was arranging to jerk off to freeze my sperm in readiness for having my balls off and losing my manhood. I tried not to let Kate see how upset I was. I didn’t want to spoil her happiness.

Sister Allaway was a very pleasant down to earth lady when I met her. She told me that Dr. Weathers had briefed her and there was no need for me to explain anything. She did explain that it was considered unethical at their establishment to ask a man to bring himself off and Sally was there to help me in that respect. Unless I really preferred d-i-y?

Sally turned out to be a pretty blonde woman in her twenties. Suddenly it was the best I’d felt all day. The hell with d-i-y.

I went with Sally to her room. She explained that she was really a masseuse but extracting sperm for cryogenic storage synergised well with that line of work.

“Would you like to get completely undressed?” She asked me. “I prefer it if my patients enjoy the extraction process.”

I started to strip. I thought Sally would leave me to undress but she stopped and said in a hesitant voice “May I ask a favour please?”

She seemed a nice, warm hearted person. “Yes. Of course you can ask a favour, Sally.”

“It’s just that my daughter is off school today and would you mind terribly if she came in here with me?”

Would I mind! “Er no. If you’re sure.”

Sally smiled. “Don’t worry. Carrie has grown up with me in this line of work. She thinks she’d like to take it up herself one day.”

Sally disappeared, presumably to get her daughter, I stripped off nude and was sitting on the massage table waiting for her return.

Sallie came back with her daughter. “Jim, this is my daughter Carrie.”

Carrie was a cute little seven year old with blonde curly hair, blue eyes and just the slightest hint of shyness. She was barefoot, wearing white shorts and a tank top.

“Hi Jim,” Carrie said with a friendly, open smile. “Thank you for letting me be here.”

“You are welcome Carrie,” I told her.

“Ok, Jim. On the table on you hands and knees. It makes it easier to catch your ejaculate that way.”

I complied. I was acutely aware of Carrie watching.

“Can’t I help, mom?” Carrie asked.

“You can catch what comes out.” Sally handed a glass beaker to her daughter. “Stand back for a minute. I’ll tell you when.”

Carrie took the beaker from her mom and put it down. Then watched her mom rubbing lotion onto my scrotum. Suddenly Carrie whipped off her top. “Carrie, what are you doing?”

“I thought it would be nice to work topless,” Carrie said. She must have heard her mom say that. And before her mom could say anything she added “I know. I haven’t got anything to show. So it doesn’t matter. Does it?” She said it with such adorable panache that even her mother let her get away with it. Carrie gave me a conspiratorial smile.

“Just keep your shorts on honey,” Sally told her.

I got another smile that told me she’d just love to take off her shorts too if only Mom would let her.

I was the happiest I’d ever been on my hands and knees. Or in any other position, come to that.

Alas, such moments cannot last. Carrie held the beaker in exactly the right position but such was the force of my squirts that a good half of my come splashed out and was lost. Not that I was bothered. The prospect of having to have another appointment didn’t upset me in the least.

I arrived for the next appointment in a mood of pleasant anticipation. I knew the ropes now and Sally seemed happy to see me. She soon had me sitting on her massage table nude. “Jim, did you really not mind Carrie being here last time?”

“No, of course not Sally. She’s a lovely kid.”

“What it is Jim, you seem to have made a hit with her. She’s kept on so much about you and she’s been pleading with me to let her take the sample.”

Oh yes please, I thought.

“Would it too embarrassing for you if she did take it?”

I thought I ought to be a bit cautious. “Would she know what to do?”

“Well, she has seen me do it quite a few times. She’s never done it herself though.”

God! Carrie’s first work wank and I get it!

“You will be here Sally?”

“Yes. I think she’d rather I left her alone with you but on this occasion at least, I should be here.”

“Great. No problem.”

“Thank you Jim. It means a lot to her. I’ll get her.”

If there were more Carries and Sallies the world would be a much better place for people like me.

Carrie came in wearing a school dress, white ankle socks and black buckle up shoes. She looked pleased to see me. “Hello Jim. Mom says you’re letting me take your sample.”

“Fine by me, Carrie.”

“Thank you,” she said. “I haven’t done it before, you know.”

“Your Mom told me.”

Sally produced a box for Carrie to stand on. “Now what’s the first thing, Carrie?”

“Have the beaker ready. And it is.” She showed her mom the glass beaker.

“And the next thing?”

“Get him in position.”

“Go on then,” Sally told her daughter.

I was sitting on the massage table enjoying this immensely.

“Would you get on your hand and knees, please,” Carrie asked me. She was so beautifully polite and just a little nervous.

I got into position. Carrie thought to put the beaker under me ready to catch the ejaculate. I must admit that in my excitement I had forgotten that was the whole point of the exercise.

“And I think, Carrie, that you don’t want to risk getting any marks on your school dress, do you?”

“No Mom.” Carrie unbuttoned her school dress and stepped out of it. All she had on was white cotton panties. Carrie put her dress on a hanger and hung it up.

“Now he’s in position, the beaker is ready. What’s the next step?”

“I have to make sure that he has a good erection.” Carrie was as matter of fact about it as if she’d been asked how to tie up her shoelaces. “And I’d say that he has.”

She was absolutely right about that.

Without any further prompting the little girl took the jar of massage oil, poured it generously onto her tiny hands and proceeded to rub it into my scrotum and penis. Her touch, firm yet gentle, was exquisite. It was heavenly as she worked it into my scrotum, giving my balls a massage. I enjoyed the look of concentration on her sweet little face.

She saw me looking at her and smiled. “Am I doing it right?”

“You’re doing it beautifully, Carrie. You’re a natural.”

She smiled again, pleased with the compliment.

Carrie had seen her mom holding a man’s scrotum in one hand and working his penis with the other. She tried to do that but her hand was too tiny. She needed both hands to work my penis. A two handed wank had never occurred to me before, not even in my fantasies but let me confess it is the most wonderful experience. It gives you the illusion that you have a prick like a tree trunk and adds a whole new dimension to the process.

“I’m coming.” I’d held back as long as I could which certainly hadn’t been very long. Sally held the glass beaker in position to catch the come while her daughter knew enough to speed up the stroke rate. It was the most powerful ejaculation of my life. I knew my urethra was going to be a trifle sore afterwards. Bolts of come spewed forth like machine gun bullets. Sally was skilful enough to hold the beaker so that it spewed down the sides and thus didn’t spill any.

I was totally spent and just knelt there getting my breath back. I hadn’t realised until afterwards that I’d been holding my breath.

Sally went off to freeze the sperm and Carrie cleaned me up around the genital area.

“How was it?” she wanted to know.

“I was lovely, Carrie. I really thoroughly loved it. Thank you for doing it so beautifully.”

After that I had two more appointments with Sally but without her daughter. I’m sure there was enough of my sperm frozen by that stage to re-populate the Earth but I didn’t mind in the least. When Sally suggested one last appointment, just to be sure, I certainly wasn’t going to argue with her.

I was depressed when I arrived for that last appointment. The next time I came here would be for my castration and the very idea scared me to death. Sally greeted me, and led me into the sample taking room. She seemed preoccupied. “Jim, I’m double booked. Would it be ok with you if Carrie took you all the way through?”

“Yes, Sally. Of course it would. She did it beautifully that other time.”

“She does seem to have developed a crush on you. She’s been on at me to let her do it.”

“Of course.”

“I’ll send her in then.”

I wasn’t sure whether or not I should start undressing or wait for Carrie. I waited. Carrie came in wearing jeans and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt. I suddenly felt guilty and knew myself for the sick pervert that I really was. She was far too young for this. I was going to say something but Carrie beat me to it. “Hi Jim. Thank you for letting me take this session. I worked hard on mom to persuade her.”

“Hi Carrie. You sure you want to do this all by yourself?”

“You bet I do. Now shouldn’t we get undressed?” Carrie was certainly a take-charge little girl.

So what the hell. I got undressed. Carrie gave me a head start then took off her jeans. It was about this point that any qualms of guilt were becoming drowned in lust. The sight of that kid in her white satin panties and t-shirt was too much. Her t-shirt came off too.

“Jim I’d like to try something a little different. I won’t have a hand free to catch your sperm in the beaker.”

I looked at her. What did she want to do?

“What I thought, if you were to lie on your back, would you mind holding the beaker and catching the sperm while I get you to ejaculate?”

“No Carrie. That’s fine.”

So I got on to the table on my back. Carrie adjusted it so that my head was raised and I could see what was happening.

“How’s that? Is it comfortable for you?”

It was and I told her so.

“Okay, let’s get started then.” She handed me the beaker and then looking me right in the eyes and with a cheeky smile she slipped off her panties.

She took a classic pose, one knee slightly in front of the other, and by spreading her arms invited me to look at her naked little body. The way her dainty vaginal slit disappeared between her legs was delightful beyond words. Her smooth hairless pube was a miracle of nature. God but she was lovely!

“What do you think?”

“I think you are beautiful, Carrie.” There was complete sincerity in my voice.

“Thank you, Jim.”

“Now mom always says it’s important to make sure that a man has a good erection. Bring your knees up for me. I did and she jumped up on to the end of the table by my feet. She spread my knees and slid up my body between my knees so that she was on top of me with her face level with mine. She kissed me on each cheek. “I really do like you Jim.”

“And I really do like you Carrie.”

She opened her legs and used her feet to push my knees together. I straightened my legs. This was classic missionary except I was bottom.

Carrie eased herself down my body until she could feel my penis on her labia. She held it there for a while, her head was on my chest. Then she got into a squatting position so that the end of my penis was at her threshold. With one hand she spread her lips to take it.

This was my deepest darkest sweetest fantasy coming true.

Carrie was looking at me for a sign.

I gave just the slightest nod of my head. It was enough. She took my penis and rubbed it against her clitoris. When she put it back to her lips I could tell she was moist. She wanted it as much as I did. She allowed herself a little pressure so that my penis pressed against her. On a mature woman like Kate or Sally this was the point where it would have slid smoothly into her. With this little girl it would take too much force to achieve penetration.

“You are too young, Carrie. It would hurt you”

She allowed herself even more pressure and knew the truth of my words.

She smiled at me. “You are too big. But you do have a very good erection now.”

She moved further down my body so that she was sitting astride my legs. She took my penis in both hands again and got to work. I got ready with the beaker.

“Tell me when and I’ll speed up.” I had no doubt that Carrie was a very good learner. I watched her giving me her two handed wank. She was concentrating on her task and enjoying it too. She wasn’t enjoying it as much as I was though.

“When.”

I caught most of it. Some spilled on to my chest. Carrie wiped it with a finger and tasted it. “It’s supposed to be good for you,” she said.

She put the sample into a freezer, cleaned me up and we got dressed.

“Thank you Carrie. That was beautiful. I’ve never enjoyed anything so much.”

She beamed. “Mum says this is your last appointment.”

“I’m afraid so.”

“And after your castration you won’t want me any more?”

“That’s right.”

“Why not. What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing at all Carrie. But what we nearly did just then is against the law. I could go to prison for it. That’s why I’m having it done.”

“To keep out of prison?”

“Yes.”

She thought about it. “I wouldn’t want you to go to prison for me.” In that lovely impulsive way that little girls have she gave me a hug around my waist.

“Thank you for everything, Jim.”

“Thank you for everything Carrie. I shall remember you always.”

Sally came in. “All over? Or not started yet?”

“It’s all over, mom. The sample is in the freezer.” Carrie ran out of the room.

“Everything okay?”

“Yes thanks. It went fine. Carrie did it perfectly.”

That was my last appointment with Sally. The next one was with Sister Allaway. My castration happened quickly and smoothly with no fuss. She fitted prosthetic testes so that at least I could look normal. I stayed in for 24 hours and Kate took me home.

For a week or two I was depressed. I was acutely aware of my loss of status and found myself unable to look ‘normal’ men in the eye. Then I gradually got accustomed to it and simply forgot about it.

* * *

Sister Allaway had emphasised that I should be supportive and reassuring to Jim. The first two weeks were really bad for him. As he got used to it the benefits of his castration became apparent to me, if not to him.

The main one was that he lost that self-loathing he used to have. Little girls were no longer a temptation for him and he was happy that he could trust himself whenever he was with them. That happened from time to time. For the final trimester of my pregnancy neither of us were interested in sex. I just kept Jim on his base dose.

After Nancy was born I started to get my figure and my libido back. It actually came back stronger than ever. It was as if the pregnancy had got the last of the crack out of my system. The brain re-wiring and hence the addiction were still there and I am scared to death that I might get one of those sudden irresistible urges for a fix. I have Jim keep an eye on me for exactly that. He knows what to look for.

Jim is happy for me to control his testosterone level. We got into a routine of boosting it on a Friday night for a fun filled weekend. It works well. Bareback is great too. I’d never been able to get on with the pill, hence Nancy. We both learnt that castration is nothing to be feared or to get depressed about. In fact with the external testosterone supply there is better control over your life than ever.

Jim is a great father to Nancy. There is a special bond between them. Jim is still attractive to little girls but now I now I can safely leave Jim to keep an eye on Nancy and her little friends when they come around.

But not when I’ve got him charged up. The old lust is still there. Castration hasn’t changed that. It has just made it easier to control. And Jim is sure that it has kept him out of prison.

End