“In the northern part of Africa, I volunteered to go into the desert to assist some social workers who were investigating women’s health issues.” “The harem was referred to as a ‘weepen’. There were elaborate tents made of animal skins. The women were much happier and healthier than I ever expected. Their master was an old and sickly man. It was tiring for him to see the ninety plus women and take pleasure with them.” “He could have benefited from Viagra, “ I chimed in with a laugh. Allaire ignored me and continued. “The one woman I spent days with told me she had two other lovers besides the master. One of them was another woman in the harem and the other one was one of the eunuchs.” “It was the eunuchs’ job to keep the women from running away. As I told you, the eunuchs had mostly come from poor families and the safety and abundant food provided for them kept them relatively happy.” “Not a bad thought – give up your balls for a pretty nice set-up and all the kitty honey you could handle,” I added. Allaire ignored me again and I felt stupid. “Yes, well, the woman who had the highest favor of the master schooled the women in lovemaking to other women with hands and mouth and also taught the eunuchs to perform similarly for the women who often became frazzled and frustrated as months could go by before the master summoned them.” “I can remember that feeling – months and months before a call, “ I added sarcastically. Allaire went on, “This woman revealed that the eunuchs grew to love her deeply.”

I turned to Allaire, “And during that time is when you first experienced sex with a woman and a eunuch.” “Tell me, which was better?” I demanded. She smiled and scrunched me a bit. “Well, the women are very bosomy, but taught in the abdomen and leg area. Their lips are fuller than ours and they can do amazing things with their mouth. These women had no inhibitions and nothing was taboo. I learned to give and receive incredible pleasure.” The smile crossing her face was enough to tell me that she was thinking back and remembering.

I felt myself getting wet as I listened to Allaire describe these women of the harem. “One of the women had recently given birth and was heavy with milk.” “I nursed her and alleviated her engorgement. It was a very erotic thing for me.” I nodded in agreement, growing still wetter, my own breasts jutting and hardening at the notion of lactation, my secret wish and dream…

“Yes, and well, the eunuchs were generally heavyset with large expanding butts. It is a treat to know they only want to please you and cannot attain orgasm of the body. However, she held up her hand, there is the orgasm of the mind and I was able to simulate the copulation with him by inserting a tube in his ass and blowing and then another tube wrapped around his flaccid penis which I inserted in me.” I could feel her sense of pride. “Both different and satisfying, “ she concluded.

I started to get up and knew there was no turning back from here. I started to cry. “Allaire, I miss his mouth on me – everywhere. I miss his balls tied up inside me and filling me. His eyes would grow so wide, like an animal and they would roll back into his head when he came.” “You’re right, Allaire, he was an animal, he was my priest/confessor and he was the man I truly loved.” “I still call to his heart in my dreams,” I ended with emotional downtroddeness. “Do you want me to love you like that, Rageane?” Allaire offered sincerely. I felt all twisted and torn inside. “No, no thank you. I can’t. I just can’t,” and I wept. She held me and petted me until I drifted off to sleep.

Allaire took Reilly up to the beach to run while I slept. She considered the myriad of possibilities surrounding the outcome of the mysterious dreamings.

“The priest is real, “ she thought. “The wolf is real, also.” “The ex-lover, well, he could be anywhere after six years.” Even she could not utter his name without a little distaste. “John Robert Maxwell.” “Max,” as he was known. Allaire had also fallen under his spell from the time she laid eyes on him and he put his hands on her chakras. He was a “be-all”. If it were a skill, he mastered it. If it were a deal, he solidified it; if it were a woman, he conquered it. They were all “its”. He showed commitment only to “self”.

Allaire’s thinking continued. Regeane deserved and needed so desperately to be loved. Her loyalty and devotion to this man went unmatched. She had the ability to embody everything and everyone he could have ever wanted, but the two of them in their own self-destructive, selfish ways split themselves apart into other universes. “Sad, so sad.” “Sex was their only language, and it left so much unsaid.” “He is the assassin of her heart.”

In a matter of course, Regeane allowed her feelings of deep-rooted unworthiness lead to heavy drinking later in life and bulimia. She became unrecognizable. A pale, sickly, smelly ghost.

Allaire remembered that late summer night, Regeane had called her slurring and puking at the same time. “Please, help me!” Allaire found Regeane drunk, an 8” deer knife in hand ready to castrate herself. Her reasoning was that she was sexually and spiritually dead inside, there was nothing left to give or offer so, a little bud of skin didn’t have any use to her anymore. After detox and a six-month therapy with someone versed in depression and alcoholism, Regeane bounced back to life. She now had a “woman’s” body that jiggled when she laughed and a strong sense of who she wanted to be, “when she finally grew up”. Reilly was pet therapy and brought her along as well.

In those six years, Regeane had never spoken Max’s name, but her heart continued to beat his rhythym, of this Allaire was certain.

Even with Allaire’s insistence, Regeane took no new lovers, only one man who would guide her to accept her talents as a true submissive. He tortured her and tested her endurance with gadgets galore, but he never made love to her. She would always hold back from that. She vowed she’d go to her grave with no man’s sperm ever to be inside her again. In her mind, she would rather live without than replace her greatest love.

Mixing meditation with masturbation, Allaire taught Regeane to accept her loveable body, no longer emaciated, bruised and colorless. She could finally achieve multiple and delicious orgasms. But that had died off too, hence the trip to the Outer Banks.

Deep in thought, Allaire vowed that Regeane would leave Buxton with a new peace and passion. With that, Allaire called to Reilly and they started back toward the cottage.

I awoke to the wet kisses of Reilly and the gentle shaking of Allaire. “C’mon sleepy head, there’s still a day left to enjoy and have some fun,” she urged.

The three of us spent the day on Okrakoke Island, shopping, visiting the lighthouse and the pirate museum and watching the pony pens. Allaire and I purchased a collar for Reilly that said, “Bite Me”. He seemed to get the joke and wore that simple Beardie smile all day.

On the ferry ride back, we watched dolphins flipping and performing for us. Allaire came up behind me and put her arms around my waist. I leaned back into her, her arms, comforting and her bosom safe and cradling. We stood like that for a long while.

Over the sound of the heavy spray and the ferry engine humming, she whispered in my ear. “I found something on the island and I want you to wear it.” I turned and steadied my hands upon the railing and nodded. She stepped back and fished in her bag. She held it up between her fingers. My eyes grew wide as I saw the gleaming silver filigreed chain, suspended form which was a triangle of pearls. I put my hands to my mouth and muffled, “Oh my God, it’s gorgeous!” “Please put it on me!” I did not miss the symbolism. The triangle of me, Allaire and him, the wolf, the monk and me and of course my allegiance to AA. I was filled with awe and gratefulness for such a meaningful gift.

Allaire kissed me sweetly on the lips and we embraced after she engaged the clasp. “I have something for you too!” I squealed. From the pocket in my overall shorts, I removed a pair of etched silver red-tailed hawk chandelier earrings. She held out her hand and cupped them. “That’s because you’ve taught me the truth.” She shook her head, “No, you taught yourself,” she said with encouragement. Allaire began to attach them to her lovely lobes.

The drive to the cottage was slow. A storm seemed to be kicking up. Heavy clouds began to roll in and gusts of wind threw the sand onto the windshield. “I guess the beach is a no-go tonight,” I told her. “We can stay put and make a fire indoors, can’t we?” “Uh huh, sounds good.” We agreed.

The heavens unleashed buckets of steady rain for a half hour. I silently prayed for a rainbow to follow. I needed a sign. At the cottage we split up with hand towels to wipe the wet sills and lower the sashes. Reilly followed in my wake and stopped to bite at a wet piece of paper stuck to the pads of his left hind leg.

I picked it up off the floor ready to dispose of it, when I noticed the weight of the paper and it felt like parchment. My breath caught as I looked closely at it and saw at the top an outline of the fireplace mantle and written words below: “We await you at the sacred place.” Hands shaking, the parchment rattled and Allaire was at my side, pulling it from me. We stared in disbelief at one another. She finally spoke. “This is not coincidence.” “It has been ordained.” “What is the sacred place, Regeane?,” she asked deliberately. “What? I don’t know, a church, a graveyard… “ I trailed off shaking uncontrollably at the knees. I threw myself at the couch and in fetal position sobbed. “Stop this --- right now!” Allaire was now showing some temper. “No!” I screamed back at her and thumped the pillow. “Listen to me, little one, whatever you most fear – abandonment, rejection, failure, loss, humiliation, has already occurred. You are seeing the long shadows cast by your past.” “This is the door to your freedom and your future!” “Think…. What is the sacred place???” she was pushing me.

I knew all along, but wouldn’t say it. “It’s the rockpile, “ I answered with tearful surrender. “Daddy taught me to fish there, I pray there, my rocks… He and I made love there – it was the last time we were together in June.”

“You must go then, little one, tonight when the moon is full.” “Look at the mantle again. Come.” Allaire dragged me up from the couch to the mantle and put my hands on it. “You see, it is the night of the full moon and the silver wolf and the red wolf shall meet.” I touched the mantle and electricity flowed through my fingertips up my arms and pulsated in my ears. “There is something/someone here for you – have the awareness to find it,” Allaire counseled.

Trickles of sunlight touched the room’s interior, as if to say, “The moon shall shine tonight for the glorification of the “she wolf”. With hands on my shoulders Allaire began to direct me to the bathroom. “Come, I must bathe you and prepare you for what is to be.”

She ran the water in the tub and helped me undress. The silver/black of my hair matched the heavy thatch below. Since it was September, I had already begun my annual fall growth of hair in the underarm area and pussy as I had for many years with him. By winter, I would be a European man’s glistening silver wet dream. Only my larger than average pierced clit could play peekaboo in the Black Forest.

“Unpin your hair, Regeane,” Allaire ordered softly and I did so until it fell below my shoulders in wavy gray tendrils. She stood behind me as I gazed into the full-length mirror on the closed door. Allaire was a good 8 inches taller than me. She touched my hair and whispered, “You do look lovelier all gray.” Then she cupped my firm and ample breasts, lingering on the nipples that had been tortured with suction until they were as big as a thumb by the dom who thought he owned me.

God, her hands felt divine, as I thought of him and the last time we had made love. Slowly, I watched her as she moved along my ribcage to my waist and then twirled her fingers into the lush bush. She found my clit ring, silver and jade and tugged on it slightly, sending immense pleasure through my womb and comb. The black hole that had reigned for these six years began to implode and I yearned for her to complete the act. No one had completed an act with her for over 10 years. The universe and every bit of “star stuff” was all there at that moment. Finally, I felt like I was enough and the center of it. How could I have ever thought of cutting this clit? I watched and felt her fingers enter me both front and back. I molded my spine into her clothed body feeling my wetness covering her and oozing so thickly.

In my ear she was whispering as I was whimpering, again, thinking of him, that man. They both spoke a language of desire and erotica. Her kisses were his kisses on my neck. I couldn’t tear my eyes from the mirror. I saw my own ecstasy and wantonness in the reflection. The chain with the pearl triangle bobbled against me as she thrust me to and fro. We were all one – I knew somewhere, somehow he was watching me.

My body shook with orgasmic firing, one after another, waves of fluid, light and hammering making me cry out in a soprano symphony, wanting more, but she broke away and wordlessly eased me into the tub and bathed me as a servant to her mistress. This was not the Allaire I knew. A dreamlike state overtook me, my body erasing the past with every pass of the sponge. She was cleansing me with love and renewal. She washed my hair with gentle soap and left me alone to steep and revel and prepare.

Allaire went to her bedroom, quickly shed her clothing and masturbated with urgency and fixation upon the coupling of the wolves. She wanted Regeane to eat him alive and tear at him until he submitted to her will. Allaire was writhing with orgasm knowing she had loved the “she-wolf” first and taken away his power over her. She thumped savagely at her clit and hole, rocking the bed with convulsions. She rested and pondered what might have been….

In her duffle bag, Allaire’s toos were at the ready. They were with her at all times. She would be close at hand if her pupil needed her, but down deep she knew Regeane would do beautifully if her emotions did not get the best of her. There was a bit of the sadist in Regeane which would serve her well.

Allaire recalled Regeane telling her that at times Max’s lovemaking had been like being stabbed with vengeance and buried anger instead of the tender magic she desired. She felt that he hated her somehow.

She marveled at the power one weilds when cutting off the testicles of a helpless, drugged and submissive excuse of a man. This almost sent Allaire into another orgasmic frenzy. The blood, the cords, that final ejaculation and the disposition of the flesh in a finality so tittilating – nothing matched it. “Yes, it is power, control, rage and revenge,” she mused. It’s not Regeane’s love, sweetly obedient , soft way.

We both dressed casually and braless for a light dinner, with Reilly subdued on the rag rug at my feet. What had happened earlier between Allaire and me set a tone of intimacy like knowing lovers. She adored pleasure and pain and so did I, so the display of instruments, sponges, syringes, sutures and the ever-loving burdizzo clamp sitting on the table were reverenced like the finest Rothschild ever fermented.

“All the questions will be answered with obedience. After all, isn’t that one of their vows?” I toyed mentally. I pushed the vegetables around my plate haphazardly until a wad flipped and hit Reilly on the ear. “Soooory, baby. Mama loves you, “ I said apologetically. Reilly sniffed and gobbled the tidbits and then walked to his bowl.

“What are you mulling over?” Allaire questioned. “Oh, I don’t know,” I answered with a sly smile. “When you neutered Reilly, that was my first hands-on.” I chuckled. “Yes, you did a splendid job of it, my dear, “ was Allaire’s response with a pat on my hand. “And he loves you more than ever because of the after-care you gave him.” She picked up the steak knife and held it. “Some are not quite so lucky, you know?” I rolled my eyes and smirked remembering the other human clients who really wanted mutilation and humiliation. “Customer service with a smile – and a blow-torch!” “Ouch”. We both laughed uproariously.

I could not believe the carefree attitude I was exhibiting – standing on the precipice of castrating someone unknown, yet known.

The dreamsharing was a fascinating component. I had become open to it years ago and the blessings and torture it brought were bittersweet. “Well, my lovely silver wolf, shall we clear, stack and pray before the moon rises?” “Yup, Let’s do it!”

The night was drawing on with a cool breeze blowing the chintz curtains, reminding me to dress appropriately for a walk to the pile. We lit incense and began to build a small fire, the wolf mantle our focal point of concentration. Allaire laid hands on my head and then blessed my fingers one at a time. She put her hand to her heart and to mine as we breathed together. Lastly, she blessed my throat and my mouth so that the right words would pass my lips. (Oops, she blew that one).

I got up, we embraced and I grabbed my green woolen hoodie by the door. Allaire looked at me and said, “Take your knife in case you need it.” I tapped the side of my boot and said, “Got it”. “I will wait for you here – be strong.” I nodded to her. Allaire stood gazing at the fire, her hands on the mantle and prayed.

The walk to the beach lasted long enough to sing softly, but strongly the newest Jagger tune, “Old Habits Die Hard,” “… Just like an addict, I’ve just got to have it, I never can leave it alone….”

I stopped at the top of the dune and lit a cigarette, cupping the flame of my Zippo and sucking in the sweet tobacco. I drank alone and I smoke alone. My eyes darted nervously side to side, unconsciously blowing smokerings into the air. Thoughts of the mystery whirled in my brain. When I looked toward the pile, I noticed the tide coming in, but no fishermen were casting from the surf or rock.

Deliberately, I flicked the ash from my 120, cupped it, wrist bent backward and walked toward the familiar rock formation. From the shadows I felt them before I actually made out the outline of a four-legged creature and an upright one. The hairs on my arms were standing up and my lower back was beginning to ache.

I sucked in one long, last drag and exhaled the smoke, tossed the Capri into the sand and kicked it. Like a procession, we fell into line upon the rocks. All were surefooted. The hood of his robe hid his head and I could only make out his bulky form and that of the rather large, burly wolf. They peered out to the breakers and beyond. They never turned to acknowledge me and I was insulted.

“So, did we take a vow of silence too?” I asked with sarcasm. The wolf turned and his almost human-like eyes sent shivers up my hairline. The monk held his hand up as if to silence me and that’s when I saw “the ring”. Waves of nausea took me and shook me. My knees buckled and everything began to spin.

Barely a whisper…”Yoooou!” I tried to turn on my heels and run but nothing was working. Never turning to me, he spoke his first words to me in six years. “Regeane, it’s been a long time.” The familiar cultured tenor voice was like ice water in my face. He continued. “This is Sirach, my friend and companion.”

I was pissed now. “What the fuck was this? A cruel joke?” “There have been many changes, many journeys for us all.” “You’ve been missed, my pet.” I clenched my hands in the pockets of my hoodie, wanting to lash out and dissect him right there. I felt my legs saying, “Okay, we can run now” and I began to walk away. “Don’t go. I need to speak with you.” I stopped staring at the wolf and the back of the man who left me in the gutter of existence.

“You had six years to speak to me, monk. I have nothing to say to you or your canine companion.” “This is absurd – and I don’t want to know.” “Why don’t you go exorcise someone or go sit in a chamber somewhere and ponder the meaning of life…” I started going off on him.

“I’ve never seen your rage, where has it been hiding?” he addressed me with silky smoothness.

“Get thee behind me, Satan!” I screamed and started to lose my footing on the pile. He grabbed me, his hood falling away and I saw his face as he began to kiss me, and kiss me he did until I fainted straight away in his arms.