Comedy of Errors

The problem is her husband is a “Stud” he has woman always coming onto him everywhere he goes. Jolene is not overly jealous but Lorne flirts much more than a good husband should. She keep telling him, “You know one day I’m going to bring you to that hospital and remove that your penis and balls permanently. This way I will keep you under control and put an end to your flirting!”

“Well whenever your ready just let me know and I’ll be there!” he would always say.

“One day I may surprise you!” She said “Then what…Uh?”

“Well I guess I could start wearing your underwear they would probably be quite comfortable then!” he said rather smugly.

“You know what my love, what say we make an appointment for you to have it all removed and make you smooth as can be?” needless to say he knew she was joking and could never resist a good poker game. And he knew she was bluffing so…

“When ever you want just let me know and I’ll be there.” That came out equally smug!

She disappeared for at least two ours into their den making calls on the phone in the other line. When she came out she was laughing and sat in front of him.

“Sunday morning you have an appointment with Dr. Rosenthal for the surgical removal of your Penis and Scrotum. Be at the hospital at 10am, for your pre-examination and then surgery at 12pm, you know what ward I work in right?”

“Your work place, Sunday at 10am, I’ll be there! Can’t wait too!”

Jolene had contacted her assistant Veronica and told here everything. She checked the Sunday schedule and the floor was going to be extremely quite. Veronica laughed and was even excited to be helping out as Lorne all to often would ogle her each time he saw here. This was going to be the scare of his life, and she was loving every minute of it. She would never even want to bruise a single hair on his spectacular man hood, and he new that. But this was a game of chicken and it was left to see who would say “UNCLE” first.

Sunday 10am came and right on time Lorne walked in, big smile on his face and cocky as ever. Jolene had already been there since 8am and had set-up a file for him with chart and complete requisition for O.R. Time, nurse and anesthesiologist.

The file looked real because it was real, just not entered into the scheduling computer, that meant nothing would happen.

When he arrived he was taken to administration where a new nurse on duty signed him in, took him to a room and asked him to remove all clothing and put on the gown provided. Now Gloria was new and Jolene did not bother giving her the details as it was not necessary. It made the situation that much more real. She did her job and proceeded to give him his ID bracelet, take his temp/pulse/BP and told him to wait, the doctor would be in shortly.

Jolene came in suppressing a smile as best she could.

“Nice gown, Are you all ready for the big moment?” she asked.

“Absolutely!” he said “Do I get to keep the gown?”

“Well is closer to what you will be wearing in the future” She laughed and he just fake laughed. “So are you sure you want to go through with this?” He was showing no sign of fear, but it was still to early. We had time.

“Nope! I’m committed!” He said.

“Good, so am I” and before she left, “oh and by he way, I’ve asked Dr. Rosenthal to warm his hands before he inspects you.”

“I’m used to your feet and ass in bed so I should be alright!” he said loudly as I excited.

She was laughing when she returned to the Nurses station and went to find Veronica and give her a run down. What she did not realize was that Gloria had taken Lorne’s file she left at the station and was reviewing it. Jolene did not like her very much due to her lack of professionalism and lateness. She chewed her out several times in the last month. She had been trying to rack up points with by kissing up and took the file and reviewed it. To her joy the schedule was not in the computer and proceed to enter everything into the computer. Points, points points!

Jolene was not aware that Dr. Rosenthal had asked Dr. Collins to shift exchange as the head of obstentriks had invited him to a Celebrity Golf Tournament the night before. The joke to be played on her husband was not first and foremost on his mind and the details were not relayed. Anything special Dr. Collins asked. Just a routine stuff, details are in my files.

At 10:15 there was a crisis in ER and Veronica and Jolene were called down. “Can you handle things here?” I asked Gloria rather sternly.

“Yes you go, It’s quite I’ll be fine.” She said as they run off. Lorne would have to wait. Knowing him he would get fed-up and leave. The ER was a swarming mess with casualties from a car crash streaming in. She leapt into automatic mode with Veronica at her side.

The chart showed that Lorne was due for surgery at 12pm. Gloria had the O.R. chilled, surgical trays prepped and all staff ready. She went to see Lorne and did a final allergy questionnaire and then proceeded to administer the sedative given prior to surgery.

Lorne was quite impressed by how Detailed his wife was making things and would not be outdone.

“Where is Nurse Jolene?” he asked.

“She is in ER right now. Do you know her?” asked Gloria

Lorne thinking Gloria was in on this played the role thinking he was being smart, but only sealing his faith and never mentioning that he was married, just a long term friend. Gloria thinking she was racking up more points moved him to the best private room available. The sedative was starting to take effect and Lorne was feeling good and very slow. She won’t win he said to himself, she won’t win.

Dr. Collins had come in and started his rounds. He took Lornes file and read with interest. Total Penectomy and Orchedectomy with relocation of urethra between the…Blah Blah Blah (Remove penis and balls, make a pee whole between he ass and balls.)

He went to see Lorne who was lying in bed humming.

“Mr. Coles? I’m Dr. Collin, I’m here to check you over before your Penectomy and Orchodectomy, you do understand what is about to happen here.” He asked.

“Yes” Lorne replied “Yes your going to remove it so I don’t…You know, with woman when I shouldn’t, they don’t like it.” The words coming out were not slurred but clear. To Dr. Collins everything was in order and after this one surgery he would be out of here so he checked to see that everything was signed and in order and he signed the final approval himself and gave it to nurse Gloria who got the final prep order.

Dr. Collins sent down to scrub.

An Orderly came in and shaved Lorne from his belly button to his knees. Then he was moved onto a guerney and the journey to O.R. began.

It was just afternoon and Gloria took her purse and went to lunch. At that exact moment while she was awaiting the next ambulance to come in, Jolene stole 5 minutes to go check on Lorne. She went to the room and it was empty, she checked the closet and his close were gone.

Lorne was transferred over to the OR bed and the heart monitors were hooked up and an I.V. was started.

Oh well Jolene thought he went home and he won this one. Well there will always be another practical joke to play on him.

In OR Lorne was thinking to himself what if this was for real, what is she really was cutting everything off, what if they really were going to emasculate him?

“Last chance to back out?” the nurse said. Back out? Give-up, say Uncle, Say Chicken? Not me, no-way! No-way “NO-WAY!!!”

“Very good then.” Said the nurse as the sleep juice was administered into his veins.

“Count down from 100…” Said a voice.

“Why…100, 99, 98…

Jolene was passing the Nurses station when the thought of having the chart lying around was not a good idea. As she was almost around the corner her pager went off, the message was ER 911. Without missing a step she switched into automatic mode and raced down to ER.

The first step was the removal of the scrotum and in went the scalpel to open the interior and clamp some veins. The rest would be child’s play for a skilled and experienced surgeon like Dr. Collin. Removing penis was so much easier than having to repair or correct one. Severe that nerve, snip that muscle, caterize, soocher and all smooth!

Done and Dr. Collins was himself off to a golf game.

Lorne was on his way up to Recovery and his amputated penis and balls where on their way to Bio Disposal. A few hours later when Lorne came out of anesthesia he still thought the whole thing was a rouse.

Jolene could not reach Lorne on his cell or at home. At 4pm before heading home she went back to the Nurses station. The file was missing. Gloria had left early the bitch! She looked and finally found the chart in the active patients list. There were also some computer printouts of the final results. But Lorne was not entered into the computer, how could that be.

She sat down and entered his name, “Lorne Coles” and up it came. Surgery completed,

Results, penectomy, orchiodectomy Blah Blah Blah room 423 Private.

She could not imagine what she was thinking. Maybe it was his joke on her. Yes that was it the bastard had turned the tables on her. She entered the room to find him in bed.

“Jolene, you are good! I swear I really believed you had did it to me! The Nurse the Doctor, The OR, then knocking me out…now this big bandage over my crotch, they strapped my hands because I wanted to take it off. I bow my head to you, your the master.”

Jolene pulled the blanket back and gently pulled the main bandage off.

ALL GONE ALL SMOOTH! She had to be impressed by the stitching job.

“Sweet heart, I will be back.” Jolene said.

“Where you going?” Lorne asked.

“I’m going to buy you some female underwear, I’m sorry to say…Your going to need them!