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ANNUAL PENIS-CUTTING SPREE ABOUT TO BEGIN IN JUNOVILLE You can see the gender divide in this balmy city of 100,000. Every March the men walk with worried looks on their faces, glancing suspiciously at every woman they meet. And the women look confident as they walk past the men. Many of them look at the men mockingly. Some of them make "snip snip" motions with their fingers directed at the mens' crotches. For the tenth year in a row, Junoville's penis-cutting spree is about to begin. To date, no one has been caught, but police estimate five or six people, likely women, manage to cut off the penises of twenty or so men. How they get away with it is unknown. But they typically lure drunk men with promises of seeing two women have sex. To date, 187 penises have been reported severed. A few have been found mailed to the men, on their doorsteps, or on their lawns. None has been reattached. "Personally, I think it is FUNNY," said one young woman. "Just knowing that all these strong men are afraid of me each fall is thrilling. I make scissors motions to lots of guys every day. It's a great way to start every spring." It has given rise to all-female parties where participants bring dildos and cut them up. They wear them in harnesses and dare other women to cut them off. Contests are held to determine who does the most mocking job. Mina Helming is the most well known. She sells videos of her party antics. "I just caress the women teasingly and whisper in their ears how I'm going to cut off their cocks. They love it." She has penned the annual penis-cutting anthem, which can be heard nearly every day in this city: "Cut, cut, cut it off": We're gonna hunt you down in the darkness And we'll pull it out when you wanna boff And sing, 'Cut, cut, cut it off.'" 'Cut, cut, cut it off.'" "Just knowing there are 187 men who have to pee sitting down and who can't fuck women makes me happy," said Mina. Indeed, some of the men have come forward and posed for a new underground calendar that shows a different man each month sitting on the toilet. The caption above reads, "Guess why this man has to sit down to pee?" The men have been too embarrassed to pursue legal action against the women who cut off their penises. City officials are disturbed by all this, of course, but the mayor, a woman, has actually been seen at several of these parties. MOZANIA VOTES ON MANDATORY PENECTOMY Men are cringing in fear in Mozania now that its citizens, 54% female, have voted on mass penectomy of men who are not likely to reproduce. This means that up to 60% of men may lose their coveted male organs. The new referendum mandates penis-removal for all men over 30 who have not had children. It is set to begin in only three months. Feminine power has been growing in this little country for decades, and the women have not forgotten the olden times. "Dominance, rape, suppression of women's sexuality," said the Senate leader. "We remember those days. " And the younger women listen intently to these descriptions of the "old days." It is an era of almost obscene feminine power. Women have risen through the ranks in the last few decades and are now determined to cement their hold on the country. Nowadays, among women, the penis is seen as irrelevant. The tables have turned on men. "Look, we value men. We need them. Their work, their ideas. What we don't need is that overpowering sexuality of theirs. They think with their penises." Younger women have been trained by their culture not to value intercourse. When taking pleasure, they usually prefer the tongue, the fingers, and the penis moving over the clitoris. Because intercourse is not as pleasurable as direct clitoral stimulation, it has lost its value in a culture where women have learned to expect sexual pleasure. "Feeling a penis inside is nice, but it's not as intense as it is over the clit," said one young woman. "Besides, it feels better to have a man's balls on my clit instead, since the surface area is bigger. And if I cut the man's penis off, I can control it better." Clinics have been set up for the estimated 1.2 million penises that will be removed. What will happen to these male organs is not yet known. Most women surveyed have expressed a desire to keep and preserve them, most likely to be used as dildos. Many others will be destroyed. The annual women's bonfire in the capital city will include naked men who voluntarily cast their severed and cauterized organs into the flames. These men are likely to be seen in a favorable light by Mozanian women, who are attracted to acquiescent men. Some of the men are actually looking forward to facing the knife. "Frankly, my penis has always just gotten in the way of my sexuality," said one man. "My wife agrees. We both voted in favor of mandatory penectomy. This country can only get stronger if we men make the choice to get rid of our penises." |